Posts Tagged ‘Blake Nagy’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Snatch That Crown And Hit The Road. It’s Time To Pack Up And Head To Vegas, Baby. Game On!

Thursday, September 22nd, 2016

j1

 

 

So I never actually looked around here before. Cambrie got 7 different sets and I got a bathroom?

 

 

sun

 

 

No, look. I literally have two dents in my nose from the damn sunglasses that won’t go away.

 

 

40

 

 

 

Hell yeah we’re rolling 40 Proof this weekend. Bring It!

 

 

cait1

 

 

 

Now was it really that hard to get it right? I don’t even know what Math is but I figured it out.

 

 

eye

 

 

Gimme strength, cuz I’m about to save a horse and ride a cowboy right through that wall.

 

 

kp2

 

 

 

Me? Just a banana hair clip and a black Old Navy V-Neck sweater. What are you wearing?

 

 

aretha

 

 

I know when that bell rings, if I wake up with straight hair Imma go Aretha on somebody’s a**

 

 

 

And finally…

It’s time for Crowning.

Welcome back, e’rrybody.

Toddlers & Tiaras finally got around to handing out some headgear this week as the GemStars Heroes vs. Villains Pageant wrapped up its 14 episode arc.

Look.  Even Director Debbie Graston was all like ‘Can we just wrap this thing up so I don’t have to go out and feed the meter again, please?’

debOk.  Fine.  In actuality, it was probably less than 14 episodes.

But the new and improved Toddler 2.0 is apparently going to spread every pageant out over the span of a few weeks and then (…Spoiler Alert!…) maybe even randomly stick half a new episode onto the end of what you thought was just going to be last week’s storyline.  Like when your DVR somehow tapes the last half of one show and the first half of the next episode and then forgets to shut itself off.

And if you understood that, you’re a hardcore T&T fan.  And if you didn’t, you should probably be watching American Horror Story anyway.  Lady Gaga‘s on it, you know.

So, anyway.  It was time for crowning.  After one last hallway throw down.

b

We picked up right where we left off last week with Mom Becky and her husband and his backwards sunglasses still accusing Mom Katie and her husband and his cowboy hat of being Trailer Trash and creating the fake FairPageantBureau.com website in an attempt to sabotage little Kaylee‘s chances at scoring a title.

They showed us the FPB email again…

fpb…except that this time the ‘Rebecca’ part was highlighted in yellow magic marker because Jimmy the Cowboy is the only person who ever calls Becky ‘Rebecca.’  

Which meant that there was no doubt in Becky/Rebecca’s mind that Katie was the Mastermind behind the whole elaborate scheme to purchase and set up a domain name through GoDaddy, create a fake website with WordPress, send out emails from an unsecured server and then wipe the hard drive so clean she could run for President.

enhanced-buzz-10329-1391544708-0

Allegedly, of course.

It’s complicated.

And it’s also why we’re 3 weeks in and there’s still nobody with a crown on their head.

Becky screamed at Jimmy.  Jimmy screamed at Becky.  Becky called them Trailer Trash about a million times and then Jimmy said “Yeah, I got horses and friends in low places” and then went outside with Katie and that Bow Tie Mom to…I dunno…feed ’em, maybe.

butt

For some comic relief, Katie rubbed her face all over the glass door like this…

baby_glass_face

…except that it was her butt, not her face, which made Becky get all like Whaaaaa?glassAnd then somebody may or may not have called Katie a whore, which made Jimmy come storming back inside with his cowboy hat and blurred out Fresca and peanut M&Ms…

blur…yelling ‘You call my wife a whore?’...

dallas_aop…and getting all up in Becky’s husband’s face like…

fight…until some guy with a mustache showed up like a Redneck Ninja and broke up the party.

pillowIs it just me, or…?  Tell me that’s not the same guy.

My Pillow BoxThose pillows are proudly made in the USA, by the way.  ‘Merica.

And then Jimmy got all like “For the last time, my wife’s not a whore” before kicking open the door with his boot like they used to do on Gunsmoke and riding off into the sunset on his loyal Palomino steed.

Look at those Saloon Girls in the background.

jimmySide note:  Also look at those sunglasses.  They aren’t going anywhere.

sgOnce all that drama wrapped up, it was time to move on to new drama:  Crowning.

Tiny little squirt Selyse got the first lowball of the evening, because…remember…Pageant Math.  You don’t want to win anything at these things.  At least not until the end.

selyseTrue Fact:  That lady actually comes with the crown.  Her only job is to hold those giant things on your head so there’s no risk of paralysis before kindergarten.

Mom Kim thought Selyse’s award was BS, but blamed it on former coach Jaimie and knew that once they completed the transition to Cambrie’s Court, her baby would start winning.  Winning like a Boss.

If she ever figured out how to get home from Oz, that is.

ozWhat the what is that green room?

That bridge leads you right into the back wall, fercryinoutloud.

oz1Kidding.  That’s actually where they filmed Superman.  She’s just on a puppet break.

superman_green_screenThe next crown that nobody wanted went to Special Harlie, who didn’t even want to be there in the first place.  She took the 5-6 Princess title.  Because she’s 7.

Pageant Math.

giphy-2I know, right?

sideCheck out the #SideEye from that blonde chick.

My Boo Jayliana scored the next one.  7-9 Queen.  Whatever.

giphy-3

#NaturalHairDontCare.

Side note:  I guess in Pageant Land, it’s not good enough anymore to just pop out a rib or two for a slimmer waistline.  Now they expect you to extract DNA, because JayBae actually had points taken off her score card at one pageant for not relaxing her ‘do.

boy-bye-serena-beyonce

Yeah.  What she said.

Cadence was awarded the next crown.

cadGlitz Mini Grand Supreme.  Which sounded pretty rad, but didn’t come late enough in the rankings so it made Mom Amy ugly cry out in the hall.

bag1

Is there a body in that garbage bag or yes?

Oh, man.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  Now they’re both crying.

bag

#ProudMamas.

Poison Ivy Piper stole the Beauty Turquoise Supreme title, whatever that was.  I’m seriously starting to think the emcees are just making this s*** up as they go.tumblr_odtwtdqfod1tb8iyko4_500That’s actually a shot from this week’s Dance Moms, but it’s still how all the Moms were acting when they heard their kid’s names and it will get DM fans off my a** for not recapping Season 6.5…Everyone happy now?

Except Piper, I mean.

p

Kaylee won Pink Diamond, which again sounded cool, but turned out to be a category that was supposed to be reserved only for kids who have not made more than $300 in their entire career.  Which pretty much makes me eligible for my first crown ever.

tumblr_odtwtdqfod1tb8iyko4_500I’d like to thank the Academy.

The final leg of cutie patootie Caitlyn‘s 2016 Redemption Tour paid off with a Glitz Grand Diamond Supreme crown, which nobody snatched off her head for a change.

wig-snatchLook at these two niblets.

One of us is gonna have to change and it’s not gonna be me.  #BitchStoleMyLook.

caitAnd to put this thing to bed, Riley shut the joint down by winning Ultimate Diamond Grand Supreme Deep Dish Double Cheese.  And the crowd went wild.

Mom Sheena was super excited, but not so much Jaimie, who got all like…

tumblr_m4yd0ybahz1r3e62yo1_500…and then made a pouty Kardashian Face to show her disdain for the results.

kkDid you see that article about how Kylie’s lip plumping whatchamacallit is actually made in the same factory that spits out $1.99 CVS chapstick?  We love Adele.

Needless to say, Katie wasn’t having it with any of those results.

k

She felt that her daughter Piper should have won the Top Spot.

And would have won the Top Spot if she had not tripped on her gown.  Twice.

And then she took all the progress that our country has made on mental health legislation and set it back about 100 years by fake calling an Insane Asylum to come pick up Kim, Sheena and Becky and to lock them up in the same room that she herself had just escaped from last week.

kpI swear.  The sheets were still hanging out the window through the iron bars.

And you know that’s a joke, right?

Because you know I love all these (…allegedly…) crazy Moms.

And they don’t put bars on windows anymore.  They just bolt them shut from the outside with L brackets.  Google it.  It’s true, I swear.

The whole scene was enough to make you wanna pull out your own eyelashes.

lash

Doesn’t Katie look like she’s ordering takeout for the office?  Hold on.  One at a time.

kphoneWhich reminds me.

Where the hell is that waitress with my two styrofoam heads and hash browns?

waitressAnd then the next episode started!

hypExcept it was the same episode, ‘kay?

Because Toddler 2.0.  Don’t ask.

It doesn’t even matter how or why, really.  Because this was about to happen…

n3

We were back in Vegas.

Cambrie Littlefield‘s home turf.  And it was Game On, bitches.

Cambrie’s Court was about to go up against one of their toughest competitors in the bidnezz:  Top Models.  So it was time get serious.

pp

Ladies and Gentlemen…Amanda.

ag

Pageant Director/Coach at Top Models.

A woman who don’t play when it comes to pageants.  And a woman who has a penchant for wearing Michael Kors sunglasses on her head.

And Nisa.

n3Talent Coach at Top Models, who also don’t play when it comes to pageants and has a penchant for wearing sunglasses on her face.  At all hours.  And with every outfit.  And in every situation imaginable, looking like she just got dilated and had to drive herself home from the optician even though it specifically says on the eye drop bottle to call a friend.

Part Dr. Evil.

giphycatPart Invisible Man.

15819953anPart Yoko Ono on her craziest day.

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 22: (EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE) Yoko Ono introduces a special screening of 'GasLand' as part of the BFI Screen Epiphanies series at BFI Southbank on June 22, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Ben A. Pruchnie/Getty Images)Nisa is…well…she’s Nisa, dahling.snAnd Nisa doesn’t care for Cambrie, dahling.  Even though Cambrie is #Goals.

cboob

Side note:  Dat dress, doe.  You could literally put Becky’s husband’s sunglasses on those things and they wouldn’t fall off.  Did I already say #Goals?  I forget.

Honestly, the best part about when Amanda and Nisa get together is the way Amanda looks at Nisa like she’s never seen her before.

an1Who is this?

an2No really.

see1Who is this?

seeAmanda’s daughter Landree also competes in the circuit, but Nisa sucked so much oxygen out of the room that I don’t remember anything except the $7,500 in kiddie pageant money that paid for the above-ground pool.  Because that totally happened.

And then Nisa picked up her dog/cat and told somebody that Cambrie should be a lady in the streets but a freak in the car before dramatically leaving the studio.

giphy-1One.  I don’t think that’s how the song really goes.

And Two.  I don’t think I even told that story in the right order.

20Still. #Goals.

Somewhere around here was when we met 5 year old Addison and her Mom Trish and her Mom Trish’s red eye shadow.

addredIf that wall was an adobe color, I’d swear she was the hostess at Olive Garden.

And doesn’t that seem like a lot of poop for such a tiny dog?  It took two people with two garbage bags an entire scene to pick up everything that came out of that hamster.

poop

At least we know why their eyes were burning.  Who left that in the hall?  You nasty, gurl.

bagPost-poop, Addison had a Skype coaching lesson with Amanda and Sia…skypeAustralian singer Sia arrives at the 57th annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, California February 8, 2015. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni (UNITED STATES - Tags: ENTERTAINMENT) (GRAMMYS-ARRIVALS)…which cost them $125 per hour, probably because Sia is so famous.

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And then freakin’ FINALLY we got to spend time with Jayliana and her Mom Deborah, who was sprawled out on the couch putting back vino but not putting up with any crap.

sue-ellen-eulogy

We heart Deb so hard.deb1

Mostly because she keeps an ice bucket literally on the couch next to her so she doesn’t have to get up.  And because she still has that one shoe on the sofa table.  And because she likes funky socks.  And because she’ll mess you up if you try and flat iron her kid’s hair without parental consent.

But mostly, mostly because she’s a riot.  Period.  End of story.

Whoa.  Looks like she dozed of there for a second.

debzzzNope.  She’s back.  Oh, yeah…Mama likes.

40I can’t even do justice to Deb’s rant about Pageant Mama Drama and taking a hiatus and coming back and blowing things out your blow holes and hitting somebody if they don’t shut up, so I’ll just raise my glass of pink slushie whatever that is and then sleep it off.

Side note:  Jayliana has a Michael Jackson Thriller costume just hanging in her room like it was nothing.  Because of course she does.

mj

Side note:  Cambrie dropped by to run JayBae through some Macbook powerpoint presentations where everyone’s hair seemed to really be on point.

mac And then we got hypnotized.  Really.

dcBecause that totally happened next.

Since Jayliana and two other little nuggets were having trouble keeping their smile-on during judging, Cambrie brought the whole Court over to some Vegas Hypnotist Dude’s PALACE home to help them stop smoking.

Or something.

vegasI dunno.

The fact that his house was bigger than the town I grew up in got me so twisted that I wasn’t paying attention.  Did you see that real estate?  That can’t be one person’s house.

Relax.  Sleepy.  Sleepy.  Cowbell.

tumblr_m0aqf1ygjw1qd4x3po1_500

Then Pretty Feet.  And they were cured, I guess.

pillow2Disclaimer:  I’m dying to make a joke about how Mr. Vegas should’ve probably hypnotized this dude right here in the green polo to stop looking at Cambrie’s boobs, but I don’t know if that’s her Dad or not and that would just be gross.  So I won’t.

Please tell me that’s not her Dad, because the more I look at their noses I’m thinking I should probably hit ‘DELETE’ but it’s too late now.

Finally, it was Showtime!  The Supreme Me Pageant in Vegas, Baby.

And almost the end of this episode.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

So we’ll whip a Nae Nae through this part, since it’s really a preview of next week.

Cambrie’s Court showed up on the TMZ Tour Bus.

tmzJayliana dropped a second Nae Nae.

giphy

Everyone thought that Cambrie’s makeup guy Mykel Baca was going to also be doing makeup for all 73 of Amanda’s girls…

mbp  …until they got a call informing them otherwise.  A call which Amanda thought might at first be just a poorly executed prank by someone with too much time on their hands…

kphone…until they found out that it was true and confronted Cambrie, who pulled a fake call of her own, walking away saying she didn’t have time for their Mama Drama even though it was clear to everyone she was just holding the Weather App up to her head.

fakeMom Trish lost her noodle and said that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen (…trumping even cancer and the typhoon that wiped out an entire city last year, I guess…) and then made this face before threatening to book a flight back to Dallas asap.

t

No makeup?  Sorry, kids.  It’s a scheduling thang.  Mykel made this face.

mb

A little peanut made this face, which was so sad I wanted to put lipstick on her myself.

sad

Nisa made this face.
peering_over_glasses_gif

And now we just wait until next week.

When Jayliana gets her hair did and we all make this face.hairNisa.  One more time, please.
giphy-1

 

Toddlers & Tiaras: Holy Pageant Panic Part Two, Batman! Only Superheroes And Sparkly Things Can Save Us Now.

Thursday, September 15th, 2016

deb

 

 

Just between us, I lie about my age all the time. It’s the only way to get a discount at Claire’s.

 

shot

 

 

Don’t even tell me those chicks are in my shot, because I am the Queen. You listening to me?

 

 

drink

 

 

Honestly, every time they start crying I just close my eyes and pretend I’m holding a cocktail.

 

 

h

 

 

If the Fair Pageant Bureau wants that certificate, they’re gonna have to pull it back outta my butt.

 

ch

 

 

And now they say I can’t claim any of this as med school tuition just because she’s a fake doctor.

 

 

 

 

I read in Cosmo that if you press right here you can tell if you’re about to have a massive stroke.

 

xray

 

 

 

My new X-Ray Specs are totally gonna help me track down the bitch who stole my crown.

 

 

The mean streets of Mesa are on fire.

Villains are terrorizing the residents with giant hair and hammers.

Heroes are finger kissing and fighting the forces of Evil, trying to regain control of their city.

It’s chaos and contouring, people.  But have no fear.

Because just like that…

kapow-1…they’re back.

Toddlers & Tiaras is here to save the day.

In the nail biting 2nd part of GemStars‘ super-sized Heroes vs. Villains Pageant, it was anyone’s guess who would still be standing when the dust and (…Spoiler Alert…) smoke machine haze cleared before Crowning.

When we last saw our heroes, Mom Becky had just been stopped at the Check-In desk by Director Debbie Graston, who was in the process of both physically and verbally blocking her entrance into the ballroom until Becky could produce a notarized and laminated copy of Kaylee‘s birth certificate.

Because, you know…The Fair Pageant Bureau.

fpbI know, right?  What is that?  Is that even a real thing?

And who sent Debbie that mystery email?  And why did Debbie suddenly take it as gospel that maybe tiny Kaylee wasn’t really 6 years old just because she looks like she’s 10 years old when she’s in hot rollers?

cait4

She looks like she’s 32 when she’s all teased up.  Are we really gonna go there?

cait

Maybe we should check her LinkedIn profile while we’re at it to make sure she didn’t pad her resume that year she worked at Wells Fargo.

Gah, she’s cute.

And how did her Dad keep those sunglasses on the back of his neck the entire episode?  I can’t even keep mine on my face if it gets too humid outside.

blog

Needless to say, Becky had a copy of Kaylee’s birth certificate right there in her Back To School pocket folder and whipped it out all like…

1365706340988393_animate-1…which shut everybody else up and made my PageantCoachCrush Cambrie start to think that maybe the GemStar cards were already stacked against them.

rhHome Decor Tip:  You can never have too many accessories or boobs in one room.

Nobody told me I needed 3D glasses to watch this show.  But I guess that’s why Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  And your argument is irrelevant.

And the entire mantle display can be purchased thru West Elm’s website, FYI.

As you’ll recall, Kim had shown up with her little niblet Selyse, despite the fact that they were currently coach-less thanks to last week’s Sassy Mom-tervention.

bf

No.  YOU talk to the hand.kimBut it didn’t matter.  Because Kim had it all under control even though I believe Selyse’s Snuggie is on backwards.  Or maybe not.  I don’t know.

But I love Kim.  F’realz.wigletAnd she knows that little wiglet goes on her kid’s head, right?  Not her’s?  Cuz I swear…

Side note:  Now you guys all know that everything on this sloppy site is done in fun and I’m easily sloppier than anyone else on any of these shows and most of what I say is straight up made up anyway, right?  Because I would never intentionally go in for the kill.

Ever.

Except for maybe right now.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love me some Jaimie and some Debbie, but you might wanna get the kids out of the room for a few minutes.

stage1

What the F***ing F*** is even F***ing happening on that F***ing stage right now?

Are they blocking a Fire Door?

And what the what is up with those decorations?

Spoiler Alert:  Even Harlie stopped right in the middle of her Beauty Routine to try and figure out what the F*** was going on back there.

fire

Srsly.  Have you ever gone to one of those temporary Mall Halloween stores in the middle of November when it’s their last day before it turns into a temporary Christmas Shop?

And there’s only one person working and all they have left are four cardboard cutouts and the fabric they used to cover up the Radio Shack logo?

That soldier is literally shooting out the kneecaps of a Disney lady.

But I still love you, Jaimie.  Call me.

23-adele-phone-2-w1200-h630 adeleflip-1445785825

And scene.

Moving on, we smoothly transitioned to Queen Cadence, who revealed some secret organization that collects all the unwanted babies that have been tossed out windows and finds them new homes with people that I assume won’t throw them out windows anymore.

Because the Baby Club is a real thing.  Like the FPB.

sel1

Q.  You gonna tell that #PatootieFace there’s no such thing?  I don’t think so.

jcQ.  And you gonna tell that #ProudMamaFace to stop crying?  I don’t think so.

From the minute Cadence his the stage, Mom Julie was a hot mess.

jc1Haters gonna hate, but Amy and Julie are THE best.  Period.giphy-copy-6

The lady behind her is even making the exact same face.  What are the chances?

jcry

With all the waterworks you’d think they could at least top off that aquarium, tho.  fish

Cambrie felt bad that Cadence appeared a little lost on stage, but it gave Ms. Littlefield an opportunity to wear yet another outfit in a confessional.  So there was that.

cbJudge Toniann Rotante wanted more facial expression and had a last name that sounded like spaghetti sauce, so I immediately bonded with her.

Mangia, Mama Mia!  Gimme Face, dahling.

judgegiphy-2Little squirt Selyse was up next and was so cute I wanted to slap somebody.

sel3 kimselsel4Like Piper‘s Mom Katie, maybe, who called Selyse a hot mess.

Violence is never the answer kids, but you know…

kat2One thing I do like about Katie is her hair.

She has that messy hair like when you’re at the club and you see another girl texting your man and you just clip as much as you can out of your face before you throw down so the bitch doesn’t try and yank it out when you drag her across the floor.

That kind of hair.

kat

Ain’t dat rite, Cambrie?

cMmmHmm.  You know dat’s rite.  That’s why Mama wears a bun, yo.

TLC Newsflash:  Cambrie Littlefield….c3

…makes…c6

…winners…c7…mmmkay?

063e174f0ef5b86492ff523de274f8f2-jpgSide note:  Everyone on #TeamHope got iPhones as a bribe to get in the car.

hope“S.O.S.”…SEND.

ph“Dude.  There’s like NO Pokemon in here.  Not even a Squirtle.  This sucks.”…SEND.

ph2Next up was cutie Caitlyn who, as you’ll recall, was going for redemption this week after having her crown snatched right off her head at the last GemStars shindig.

Nobody is took’ed-ing her toys this time.  Ain’t happening.

cait6Somebody needs to prevent this kid from getting any cuter before she warps the Time and Space Continuum on Cuteness and all the ugly people get sucked off the planet.  And that’s not even a joke.

Her hair looked familiar…

melania…but for the life of me, I couldn’t place where I’d seen it before.

donald-melania-trump-bill-hillary-clinton-600When you’re cuter than your pink poodle, is that really fair to the rest of us?poodletoysDid she just snap his neck?

Mom Charis got upset that Caitlyn missed two parts of her routine…

ch…because if you divide the $100,000 that Mama’s spent on pageants so far, that averages out to roughly $50,000 per pinky wave.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjBy the time Kaylee hit the stage, her hair was so big she had to spread her arms out for balance like those high wire people do when they  tip toe across rope tied between two skyscrapers.  Careful, gurl.

kay2It should probably be noted that one judge said Kaylee looked just like a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, but this whole conversation could go wrong in so many ways that I think it’s best if we just move on.  #GoTeam.  dallas-cowboys-cheerleader-during-philadelphia-game

Side note:  Is that a real baby or one of those puppets where you make the mouth move with your hand?

puppet

Because Mom is still holding her the same way out back.  Why is she doing that?

puppet1

And what is even happening right now?

selfie

Doesn’t that seem kinda close to her face, or is that just me again?

Anyway.  Katie’s other daughter Harlie was next to wander the stage.

You remember Harlie.  She’s the one who looks like Piper but didn’t want to participate in the pageant like Piper.  Unfortunately, the check was already in the mail so bailing wasn’t really an option.

But Mom and Dad still love you and still think you’re special.

h2Long story short:

The Rules specified that any child over the age of 5 could not be coached by their Moms from behind the judges’ table without losing points.  You read it.  You signed it.

But then this happened.

jk

A few times, actually.

Was Jaimie coaching Harlie from behind the judges’ table?  Wasn’t that…?

Excuse me?

sn

Becky went OFF.

maxresdefault

Right behind the emcee.  Look at him almost drop the mic.

mc2Before anyone could even say ‘Sparkle, Baby’ the whole thing spilled into the hallway where Becky and her husband and Katie and her husband all pig piled on top of each other screaming about rules and breaking rules and how Harlie was a special needs child and —
powWait.  What?

Nobody ever mentioned that Harlie was a special needs child.  Just special.

Even Cambrie changed her outfit again and got all like…

cblIt was ON with the Moms.

You’re trailer trash.  You’re a bully.  Who bullies a special needs child?  You’re still trailer trash.  And you’re still a bully.

It got In.  Sane.

People were running in circles all over the place.  Charis came out of the ballroom all like ‘Keep it down out here!  We’re trying to run a damn pageant!’ while that one poor lady who just came downstairs to find a vending machine ended up caught in the crossfire holding her baby and an empty ice bucket.

wpcrazyLook at her.  You just know she was all like…

124c45d5bf34b506be033752dbf2701bThankfully, the other Deb (…Jayliana‘s Mama…) came swooping in to separate the women and get everyone back inside before Outfit of Choice got started.  Ain’t nobody gonna screw this thing up before my baby gets on stage.  Don’t even think about it.

Swear to God I will stick my stiletto wine bottle opener in your throat if you don’t sit down.

djAgain.  Violence is never the answer, kids.  But Deb has a stiletto on her sofa table.

Side note:  Check out that little girl trying to sneak a picture of Jaimie when she’s not looking.  She totally thinks she’s about to post a photo of Adele onto her IG account.

adeleAnd how about Yellow Shirt Guy trying to get on TV?  Look at his friend trying to dive out of the shot because he told all his buddies he was at a Wildcats game.

buddies

Riley and Piper finished off the Beauty Game and then the party really got started.

Outfit of Choice.

Cadence came bounding out as Harley Quinn, the Joker’s girlfriend.hqharleygifhq2She even had the hammer, which she smacked on the ground so hard…

comic_graphics_impacts_previmage

…that it made Julie cry again.

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Dr. Caitlyn was next to hit the stage, wearing glasses and dancing like a ’50s sock hop waitress on roller-skates.  I’m not really sure what that was all about, given the pageant’s theme, since I find doctors to be scary but not necessarily in the villain category.  Unless it was an homage to the recent Suicide Squad movie where Harley Quinn dressed up like a doctor and I just missed it.glassRegardless, my goal is to one day be as cute as this kid so it doesn’t even matter how nonsensical I behave.  She doesn’t even have lenses in those googlie things.

Then it was Kaylee’s turn to set the stage on fiyah.  Or almost, anyway.

Remember last week when they tested out those pyrotechnics and blew the hem on Cambrie’s pink babydoll dress up another 3 inches?  Well, it was showtime.

Dad clicked a bunch of Home Depot wires together, setting off fireballs and one of the restroom sprinklers as Double Oh Kay Kay werked the crowd.

Which seemed to wow the judges but rub Katie the wrong way.

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Apparently, somewhere in the GemStars contract was a clause that you couldn’t use Vegas Special Effects during your routine.  Or something.  They weren’t very clear about the actual verbiage.

But if Kaylee could use fireballs, then HellToTheYeah Piper was gonna use her smoke machine.  Which Mom just happened to have on her, BTW.

Because she’s a freakin’ redneck Boy Scout, that’s why.

What?  Your Mom never told you to make sure you stocked the glove compartment of your Nissan with a candle, a can of Spam and a fog machine just in case you spun off the highway and landed in a ditch and had to wait for help?

Next thing you knew, Piper emerged from the mist like the Phantom of the Opera.

Except that she was Poison Ivy from Batman.pipi2

And then it all just kinda fell apart.

Cambrie snuck at a peek at one of the judge’s scoresheets and saw that Piper and Kaylee BOTH received a ‘7‘ in one of the little boxes, which could not have been possible unless the whole pageant was…say it with me…RIGGED.

Somehow the whole thing spilled back out into the hallway again.

Trailer Trash vs. Bully:  Round II

Katie did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

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And Becky did this a few more times, like she did in the first fight…

cheatAnd then someone did this…

hand…which in shadow puppetry makes the face of a duck if you turn the lights out.  I’m not sure where they were going with that one, but note that there are still sunglasses securely attached to the back of Tim’s head.

And is it just me, or…?

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Katie yelled.  Becky yelled.

Take your birth certificate and shove it up your butt.

Rinse & Repeat.

powAnd then it over.  Or at least Part II was.

Will our Pageant Princesses ever make it to Crowning?

Who sent the FPB email?

And does this guy ever NOT wear a cowboy hat?dadAll those questions…and more…will be answered next week.

Same Toddler Time.

Same Toddler Channel.

Trust me.  It’s gonna be eye opening.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: Shut The Air Lock And Shut It Down, Girl. It’s Universal Royalty’s Queen Of The Galaxy.

Friday, June 14th, 2013

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How ’bout you little nuggets grab a juice box and let Mama show you how it’s done, mmmkay?

 

 

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Lawd give me the strength to not pop off on that child and to not break a hip in the 2016 Olympic gymnastic trials.

 

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I see dead people…and the CEO of Pixar telling me to dress like Buzz Lightyear. And a Hooters Girl.

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She better not be pointing at me or I’ll kick that tiny a** to Infinity and Beyond.

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Twerkin’ by the mats. Go NeNe.

 

 

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Every time a cowbell rings, an angel gets their wings. And a crown, or I’m gonna lay hands on some judge in the lobby.

 

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The continental breakfast was a nice touch, but the free circus hats? Hell, yeah I’m coming back next weekend.

 

 

Lawd have mercy.

Put your hands…and your photon laser beam guns…up in the ayah and testify with Toddlers & Tiaras.  Never underestimate the power of prayer and pixie stix.

Can I get an A-Hill?

That’s right.  Annette Hill and the Universal Royalty Beauty Pageant took it to church this week.  Big Time.

Granted, that church was on Pluto, and the choir robes looked a little more like cupcake dresses and Science Fair solar system dioramas…but it was still a religious experience.

It was the Queen of the Galaxy competition and Pageant Director Annette wasted no time in explaining how this rocket was going to be launched into outer space.

Oh, Annette.  Where do I start?  As you know, it’s been well documented over the last few years how much I love me some Annette.

I think it was way back during that Tribute to Motown Pageant that I first realized my girl was off the hook.  That was the episode where someone accidentally popped in a James Brown cd too early and Annette almost had to be airlifted out of the studio in a medical chopper.

Girlfriend does love her Motown.  Werk.

She was cray cray back when she was still rocking that librarian bun and those fancy Joan Rivers readers.  But now that Annette got her hair did and got rid of the chain on her glasses, she’s unstoppable.  When we finally wreck the clubs together, I hope she’s been saving some of that Good Morning America money, because bail ain’t cheap.

The theme was Space.  The Final Frontier and all.  But with glitter instead of stars.

For some reason, Annette hoped that there would be a dancing astronaut, which was such a random statement that it was pretty much perfect.  Plus it gave her a chance to pop her head like like she was about to start a fight in Walmart while a cartoon flying saucer flew across the screen.

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TLC…I bow to your awesomeness.

Annette also showed us her Space Face for some reason, which was a delightful combination of a pageant girl pouty face and a Kardashian Instagram selfie.

Our first little contestant was 4 year old Katlyn and Mom Kymberli.  Flashback.

This was not their first trip to Toddlers & Tiaras, and as soon as I recognized Mom I was ’bout to drop down and thank the Lord…but she beat me to it.

Lawd, Mom and Grandma Kelli were pretty much Everything.  Period.

Let’s just say that I hope there’s room in Annette’s SUV, because you know I just found us two more BFF girlfriends for Klub Nite.  They are totally the ones who would make Annette stop the car in the middle of a four lane freeway to pray to Jesus for enough toll money so we could use the express lane.

Everything was Lawd this and Lawd that.

Lawd, help me get this Jane Jetson wig on straight.  Lawd, give me strength to open this damn pickle jar.  Lawd, strawberries are Buy One Get One at Sam’s Club.

You name it.  Just make up a sentence, stick Lawd at the beginning or the end and there you go.

The last time we saw them both getting their gospel on, Kymberli had some crazy a** blonde weave that I’m pretty sure was glued on sideways, but this time around she traded up to a more colorful number that’s a little more on trend for the season.

Imagine Katy Perry and Beyoncé having a Smurf baby Love Child at the VH1 studios and you pretty much know what I’m talking about.

Lawd, that’s some blue hair.

Grandma Kelli, who likes to be called NeNe…as opposed to last week’s Toddler Mom Naye Naye…had that loud Food Court laugh that I love so much.  From a mile away, I tell you.  Even over the Vitamix blender at Smoothie King.  When she’s not trying to text the Lord, NeNe pretty much acts exactly how you would expect a Grandma named NeNe to act.

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(Memo to self:  Get a sassy nickname asap.)

There was also another woman sitting on the couch who never talked.  And a dude that I swear was half of Milli Vanilli back in the day.  It was a full house.

Next up was 3 year old Ava and her cute Mom Ashley.  I know she was cute because she said it about a bazillion trillion times.

Ava was a paranormal ghostbuster and liked to shoot zombies, which was fine by Mom, who had already picked out a crop top, Nike high tops and booty shorts for the upcoming Apocalypse.

She said that.

Dad Mark was also living in the house, even though he had already signed the divorce papers and was dating other women.  Awkward much?  His upper lip looked a little sweaty when he tried to explain that one to America.

Sorry Mom, but Ava was also redoinkulously cute in that smiley Asian baby way.

So cute.  And her pageant coach was cute, too.  There was a lot of cute in the hizzle.

Cambrie Littlefield was back!

Unfortunately (…for her, right?…) I’m already committed to Pageant Coach Katie Boyer in my fantasy pageant coach pool, but Cambrie is a close second if Katie breaks one of her pretty feet and goes on the disabled list.

Every time I see Cambrie she looks like she should be in a country music video.  Not the twangy kind, but the Carrie Underwood kind.  With a wind machine, because if that is really all her own hair she must get hate mail from every Mean Girl in Jersey.

Cambrie’s stunningly pretty and nice and I mean, c’mon…anyone who can wear thigh high boots while ghost hunting with a 3 year old deserves to at least sing back up for that guy on The Voice.

The third little princess was 7 year old Iyslah (…Pat, I’d like to buy a vowel…) and Mom Ruby.  All the kids this week were patooties, and Iyslah looked like a mini JLo playing Selena on the Disney Channel.

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This was their first Glitz Pageant, so you knew where this one was headed already.  But with some practice, you know Iyslah will nail it.

Her Grandfather was some kind of commissioner or traffic cop or mayor and brought everyone down to city hall for National Iyslah Day.  Watching her speak like a Big Girl to all the town’s elected officials made me smile.  Not as big a smile as hers, but pretty big.  If she doesn’t stick to pageants, you know that Iyslah is going to be the first female sumthin sumthin in that town, because she owned that podium.

You go, girl.

Meanwhile, Pageant Prep was in full swing for Katlyn & Company.  After a drama filled trip to Weaves ‘R Us for an orange Jane Jetson bob, it was off to the gymnastics center to practice her Space Wear routine.

Blah.  Blah.  All that really matters is that Grandma NeNe did a somersault.

Yeah.  That totally happened.

Lawd, have mercy.  It was like a slo-mo version of that “I’ve Fallen And Can’t Get Up” commercial, and it pretty much made my entire year.  Why they felt it necessary to make a grandmother attempt a gymnastic maneuver with that much junk in the trunk, I dunno.

But thank the Lawd they did.

By the time she landed upside down with her legs spread wide up in the air, my cable reception got clearer and now I have free HBO.  I can’t hear it over her laughing and all that thanking Jesus for not rupturing her spleen, but it’s free.

Love.  Them.

While NeNe was doing her splits, Cambrie and Ava were at a pool hall seeing dead people.  I’m not really sure how they ended up at a former brothel turned pool hall, but there are so many pool stick and blue ball jokes I could make right now that my head hurts.

Ava saw some dead people and Cambrie posed by the pool table like she was on the cover of the cd for that music video she should already be starring in.  Don’t make me say it again.

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Iyslah’s rehearsal was a little less dramatic, though she did do the same chair dance that I saw them do on the Pussycat Dolls Tour.

Finally, it was Showtime!  Well, after NeNe had to stop the car so Mom could run back in and get the makeup bag she had forgotten, that is.  Lawd, get me some ginkgo biloba before I forget my own name.

So.  Before we go any further.

Annette…you been holding out on me, girl.  Nobody told me that if (…I mean WHEN…) I finally get to judge on Toddlers & Tiaras that I get a free circus hat.  Excuse me?

A free top hat decorated with ostrich feathers and shiny stuff?  Yes, please.

Lawd, those two boy judges.  Just. Lawd.

Anyway.  Annette was all wound up and couldn’t wait to give away a trip to Space Camp.

Umm, yeah.  Hello.  Space Camp.  Forget that gigantic 5 story pink Barbie condo that Tonya Bailey gave away last week.  We’re talking NASA.  Get this prize and you can freakin’ fly over Tonya’s pink house.  Just make sure you wave hello.  She’s a hoot.

Space Camp.  Not gonna lie.  The visual of some tiny little sparkly kid in a cupcake dress bouncing upside down in zero gravity as a stray wiglet floats by like a Star Trek Tribble did make me smirk.

But that prize is sweet.  Totz Jealz.

The Beauty portion of the competition went like they always do, except for the Top Hat Boyz who hated everything.  Not enough bling.  Too poofy.  Not poofy enough.  Too many cowbells.

I just wanted one of those hats.

(Memo to self:  Get a fabulous chapeau to go with your sassy new nickname asap.)

Space Wear is when the party started.

Ava hit the stage as Buzz Lightyear and whipped those airplane wings around so many times I thought she would cross into the hotel’s No-Fly Zone.  Katlyn’s orange wig stayed on her head during her front roll, which nobody thought would happen, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

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Thank the Lord and about 50 bajillion million bobby pins for that one.

Iyslah’s outfit looked like a tiny tyke version of that Lady Gaga dress with all the Saturn rings dingling around it.  It was very cool, but one of the Top Hat Boyz felt it was too dark and, of course, not blingy enough.  Never blingy enough.

Apparently, in Space no one can hear you scream…or over accessorize.

NeNe clanged her cheering section cowbells in the air like she was back in Mayberry calling Opie home for lunch, which really irritated the delicate ear canals of at least one Top Hat Boy.

Then some kids won some stuff.

During crowning, Ava stood way up high on her Dad’s legs wearing the cutest little Oriental costume that made her look like she was performing the finale of Miss Saigon.  If NeNe hadn’t been laughing and clanging those damn bells so loud I swear you could have heard a helicopter land.

(That joke is pointless if you never saw Miss Saigon.  Don’t over analyze it.)

Thank you, Lawd.  Katlyn scored Miss Grand Supreme and then almost choked to death on a straw during her final interview.

Unfortunately, poor Iyslah didn’t get squat.  Hopefully Annette snuck her some stuff when it was all over, because she looked so sad.  I’m sure she hugged her for me.

And a special thank you to the Spirit World, for giving Ava the Ultimate Deep Dish Grand Supreme.  That’s right.  Top Prize.  Space Camp, bitches.

Mom said Holy F*** (…nice talk, by the way…) and screamed and hugged Cambrie like they were at a Bieber concert.

(Memo to self:  Make a fan out of money like Ava was holding and start paying for everything with Liberace flourish asap.)

And then it was over.

As quickly as it had appeared, the Universal Royalty Shuttle was gone.  Back to wherever it is that they go to refuel, fix their hair and get ready for wherever the next round of Space Sparkle takes them.

But it’s all good.  Tonight when you look up at the stars and see that twinkle, just know that all is right with the world and that somewhere out there Annette Hill is slow dancing with an astronaut to a James Brown groove.

Cuz that’s how she do, mmmkay?

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