Posts Tagged ‘Brooke Hyland’

Dance Moms: Fix Your Feet And Your Face And Try Not To Put Your Pants On Backwards. It’s Recital Rebellion!

Wednesday, July 24th, 2013

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I’ll have you know that in a number of countries jiggly Arm Fat is considered a delicacy. So suck it.

 

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This is your pilot Abby speaking. In the event of a crash, I only brought one damn parachute for Maddie. So good luck with that.

 

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Seriously? Already? This bitch is just lucky I’m wearing strapless today or I’d be all up in that ratty Bump-It.

 

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OhNoSheDin’t. Hold on to yo’ weave, girls. My mama ’bout to Shut. It. Down.

 

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Oh. My. Gawd. You guys were so right. Hurtful fat jokes ARE hilarious.

 

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Twerkin’ in my backward pants. Haters still gonna hate, mmmkay?

 

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I’m about to put someone’s face on backwards if they keep trash talkin’ my baby. Do we really wanna do this when I’m still jet lagged?

 

 

 

I tell you.

Sometimes I don’t know which is more exhausting.

Actually being on the show Dance Moms, or just watching it from home.

Between the screaming and the yelling and the storming out and storming right back in again like you forgot something, on top of all the crying and packing and unpacking and repacking all while declaring that you’re soooo over it, it never seems to end for these people.  Never.

And that doesn’t even take into account any actual dancing.

Because sometimes they still do that.

Like this week at the annual ALDC Recital.

Abby Lee Miller‘s big once a year danceapalooza where you and all your screaming, giggling BFFs get to spend all your parent’s hard earned allowance money on tickets to finally see the full dances that they wouldn’t broadcast on television.

Or something like that.  I think that’s how it works.

Plus you get to see all the ALDC dancers, not just the TV ones.  That means the little preemies who just kind of wobble around pretending they are flowers, all the way up to the Big Dawg troupe with that kid who threw a pie in Brooke‘s face.

But not before the Pyramid of Shame, of course.

As everyone marched into the studio for the big reveal, all that really mattered was that Kristie and Asia were back.

Insert your Happy Dance here: ___________________.

Since JLo and I are tight I already knew that she would be back this week, so I had proactively moved all my furniture out of the way to allow for a much bigger somersault in my living room.  Love.  Her.

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…And that West Coast Realness she was serving them bitches.

Trust me.  Nothing says ‘LA’ like a palazzo pants ensemble with one of those strapless tops that chicks always keep tugging on when they get ready to throw down.

Yeah.  Asia definitely gets her from her Mama.

And I love me some crazy Jill, too.  She really tries.  But the poor thing doesn’t stand a chance when she’s next to JLo.

Kristie always looks like she just had lunch with Lisa Vanderpump before flying back to Pittsburgh.  Which unintentionally makes Jill look like she’s wearing every single markdown purchase she made at the mall today all at the same time because every store ran out of shopping bags.

Anyway.  Bottom row of the Pyramid was nothing but Paige, Brooke, Kendall and Nia.

The usual.

I’m fairly certain this was done just to push Mom Kelly‘s buttons.  And it worked, because she blew yet another nutty.  Which was kind of like last week’s nutty, but different than next week’s, I’m going to assume.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s up with that woman anymore.  She’s never happy.

Sometimes I think the producers are actually just splicing in the same hissy fit each week, because nothing ever really changes.  Something about favoritism and her daughter’s getting shafted.  Again.

Rinse & Repeat.

As Maddie did some pushups for no reason other than to shut Kelly up, the middle row was revealed to be Asia, Chloe and Maddie, which tossed the nutty ball into Jill’s lap.

Jill couldn’t understand why Asia was hanging on the second tier this week when she had been completely MIA for last week’s competition.  Jill then tag-teamed Kelly back up into the ring and everyone screamed some more.

Kristie tugged on her top and suggested that maybe the other Moms should stop selling bracelets at Meet & Greets and get their kids back into rehearsal.  ‘ Nuff said?

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Mackenzie made it to the top of the Pyramid while Asia was out of town.  We’ll just leave it at that and move on.

It’s been well documented over the last few seasons that the annual ALDC Recital is pretty much the most stressful week of the year.  For Abby.  For the kids.  For the Moms.  And for most of the viewers.  And this year’s extravaganza seemed to be heading down the same highway.

Everyone was doing a solo.  Everyone was in a bazillion other group routines.  Everyone had more costume changes than Cher.  And as an added bonus, Paige was given a squeaky clean brand new solo to perform and sister Brooke was even asked to sing her famously auto-tuned youtube hit “Summer Love.”

Score for both the Hyland girls, right?  You’d think.

Pick any random KellyFit and stick it right here, because she flipped out again.  Too much pressure.  Not fair.  Not fair when the kids get nothing.  Not fair when they get everything.

Before Kelly’s head popped off her shoulders, Abby announced that in the midst of all the hilarity the girls would also be participating in a photo shoot to determine the winner for the digital cover of Dance Track Magazine.  The first ever Kid On The Cover issue.

Squeals of excitement.

Up in the MomPerch, Kelly continued to complain about all the good things that had just been handed to her daughters until even Jill was all like WTF, Girlfriend?  Why are you never happy, woman?

We even got a flashback to last year’s recital when Kelly blew a 2012 KellyFit and pulled her kids from the entire production at the last minute.

In case you forgot, it was the scene where she went back to her car to sulk and Melissa did that uncomfortable Baywatch run out to the parking lot to find out what was going on.  Could have lived without seeing that one again.

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As Abby tweaked all the solos in rehearsal, it became clear early on that Paige did not want to do a new routine.  She wanted to do an old one like everyone else, so you just knew that this was not gonna end well.

When they weren’t splicing in random KellyFits, I think they snuck in a few of last year’s Christi eye rolls and pissy faces, because Chloe’s Mom was definitely not in a good mood.  At all.

Even her hair was having a bad week.  Did you see that?  What was that all about?

As the recital grew closer it was time for the technical rehearsal, which always gives me life because Abby gets to wear that clunky NFL coach headset and walk back and forth like she’s on the 20 yard line at the Super Bowl.  She even gathered the team together for one last locker room pep talk.

Did anyone else find it odd that Abby was standing closer to the girls backstage than she normally does in the studio, and yet she felt it necessary to wear a disconnected headset and address them all with a second hand held microphone?  From 2 feet away?

I’m no Emmy winning sound technician, but I’m pretty sure they can hear you.

Instead of just handing Maddie the new solo that Paige wanted to bail on, Abby messed with everyone’s heads until Kelly blew her final nutty of the week and dragged her daughters out of the recital.  Again.  Just like last year.

Seriously.  That lady pays more money for her kids to never do anything.  I swear.

And how about how Abby always screams for someone to call the cops every time somebody gets (bleeped) out?  I guess there can’t be much crime in Pittsburgh if it’s that easy to find a cop just hanging out waiting for some Soccer Moms to go all ghetto on each other.

A special Snark of the Week Award has to go to my idol JLo.  Not only did she publicly thank Mackadoodle for keeping Asia’s seat warm while they were out of town, but Kristie also compared Kelly’s annual abandonment of the the ALDC Recital to getting your tires rotated.

Oh.  Snap.  She went there.  Girrrrl…you nasty.

Just in time for the recital, the girls all got fancy new warm-up jackets and shorts.  Free of Charge.  All they had to do was was pose a little and let Abby pimp them out as free sandwich boards on the streets of Pittsburgh, because advertising ain’t cheap.  Enjoy.

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At some point in the chaos we also got to see Jill rehearse a tango routine that she and her arm fat would be performing at the recital.  Don’t ask.

There was barely enough time to scoot all the girls over to the Dance Track photo shoot, where they portrayed different dancing school age superhero characters.  Like if Disney had invented the Spice Girls.  Sorta, but not really.

Werk.

Finally, it was Showtime!

But first…the unveiling of the new Dance Track cover girl:  Kendall.

I know, right?  Take that.

Everyone rocked their solos.  Maddie’s angry tap dancing housewife apron stayed on this time.  Chloe spun around so fast she temporarily reversed the Earth’s gravitational pull.  Kendall flipped herself around that stage like I don’t know what.  And Nia brought SashaNia back for an encore.  Boom Boom Pow.

Even Asia’s first ALDC dance recital solo was a fierce a** calypso two snap mess you up booty shakin’ thang, all strutted to sassy perfection in pants that were on backwards.

Yeah.  That kinda happened.  Whoops.

But honestly, her choreography was so tight that the only people who should have noticed were Abby and people who specialize in little girl dance pants.

(Clearly, that wasn’t supposed to sound as creepy as it did once I typed it.)

So no biggie on the pants.  She killed it.

Maddie busted out her new solo, which was pretty much the same one from her guest appearance on the upcoming new season of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

Coming soon to a television screen near you.

See?  I do pay attention.  Now stop promoting it every week or I swear I’ll boycott.

MackaWhacka had a momentary meltdown and thought she had forgotten her entire routine due to some sugar-induced seizure or something, but she got on  stage and it all came back to her.  False alarm.

There was also a Piggly Wiggly grocery cart just sitting around backstage.  No clue how Abby dragged that thing all the way across town, because the wheels lock up when you hit the curb.  And no clue why I felt like I had to mention it.

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Jill and her arm fat hit the stage with her friend Jimmy and some other woman to kinda sorta tango around the stage a little.

Oh, Jill.

It was a bit like that first week of Dancing With The Stars when everyone sucks mixed with a Thursday night at the Ramada when all the girls from the back office go out and drunk dance on the carpet because their feet hurt.

But Jill makes me smile.  And it wasn’t Gangnam Style.  So that was a plus.

Christi and Melissa even rushed the stage and plopped a tiara on Jill’s head for no reason whatsoever during her curtain call, and I kind of think Jimmy thought it was for him because he looked a little disappointed when they ignored him.

Maybe next time, big guy.

They finished it off with a new group routine which was a Broadway sumthin sumthin that started out in flasher trench coats like they all do and ended up with nothing but jazz hands and flips.

Everyone was happy, and 1300 screaming girls started posting crap on Facebook before the houselights even came back up.

Backstage, there was very little drama beyond another discussion regarding Kelly’s exit and the whole BackwardPantsgate controversy.

Asia eventually fessed up to putting on her own pants without checking the tag, and everyone was happy.

Except Christi.  She’s never happy lately.

And Kelly, where ever she was.  And Brooke and Paige, because they had to miss yet another recital.

Ok.  Maybe not everyone was happy.

But at least Dance Moms had some dancing in it this week.  That’s good, right?

Enjoy it while you can.

Next week looks to be a big ol’ Candy Apples Black Patsy hot mess.

I’m ready.  You ready?

Let’s Go!

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Dance Moms: The West Coast Abby Returns! When It’s Tap vs. Hip Hop, You Better Pop It, Lock It And Bump-It.

Wednesday, July 17th, 2013

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Everyone in LA has bangs. Richy said that if he was into it and his standards were a little lower, he’d be all over this.

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Lawd. This s*** and that Priscilla Presley hair just got real.

 

 

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Umm. I didn’t sleep with my boss. We were awake the whole time, thank you. And you’re pretty much a bitch.

 

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This Chipotle App is the bomb. That beef burrito will be ready before we even pull into the bus stop.

 

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Oh. My. Gawd. I’m freakin’ finally on Dance Moms and I’m wearing horizontal stripes. What was I thinking? Dying.

 

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Shut. Up. You really gave Chloe hip hop? That is HIGHlarious. You’re gonna make me pee my pants.

 

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Mama’s coming home soon, Baby.

 

 

 

 

Well.

Freakin’ finally.

After being preempted for what seemed like six months by the premiere of the already classic What’s Vivi-Anne Gonna Eat Today? Show and then being postponed for another two more weeks while that cable access Drink While You Dance Chat mess auditioned a few D-List comedians…Dance Moms is back.

I think.

Or maybe it was a repeat.  I’m not sure.

I remember last season there was an episode that was nothing but Christi getting all up in Melissa‘s face about butt kissing and special treatment and everyone swearing in front of their kids until Maddie cried.

And that totally happened again this week.  So I’m not really sure what was going on.

Honestly, with all the recent repetitive story lines and rehashed Mama Drama, the only way I can keep track of what day it is is by referencing my Crazy Jill Hair spreadsheet.

And my Where’s Kristie? board game, of course.

And speaking of.  Do I physically have to go down to the Lifetime TV executive offices and slap somebody until they put Asia‘s bad a** Mama in every episode?

Because I will.  If this site ever starts making me some money, that is.  Have you priced airline tickets lately?  Seriously.  I don’t want to buy the plane.  Just a ticket, ma’am.

Let’s go, people!

Thanks to poor planning on somebody’s part, Ms. Miller had to take a sabbatical from the show in order to jet out to California (…swimming pools, movie stars…) to film the second season of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, which left the inmates running the prison.

But Abby was back now.

With a fresh new LA attitude, a ton o’ fresh new LA hairstyles that she was clearly trying to get a handle on and basically every piece of fresh new Resort 2013 she could strip off the Lane Bryant window mannequins down on West Pico Blvd.

Did you see all her new clothes?

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But it was back to bidnez now and that meant that the Two Months Later And Maddie’s Still On Top Pyramid of Shame finally made a reappearance.  After one more promotional blitz for AUDC, coming soon to a television near you.

Was it just me, or was Richy Jackson wearing a Burger King crown in that hazy flashback?  Because Girlfriend was definitely having it her way.  MmmHmm.

I’m fairly certain that Abby just left the last pyramid taped to the mirrors, because nothing looked very different this time around.

Bottom row was reserved for Brooke, Paige, Kendall and Nia.  Apparently Brooke had blown off dance rehearsals while Abby was gone and had gotten busted by the ALDC SpyCam or somebody’s thermal heat goggles when she and Mom Kelly snuck off to record another youtube CD.

I don’t know.  Somehow Abby knew though.

Second row was Mackenzie, Chloe and the MIA Asia.  After I did the math and realized that an MIA Asia meant an MIA Kristie…again…I stopped paying attention to that row.

And natch, top of the pile was Maddie again.

This week the gang was headed to beautiful Syracuse, NY for another In10sity Dance Competition and Abby was ready to shake things up again.  Last time, as you will recall, she had sent Maddie and Chloe out on stage to perform the exact same routine to the same music.  It was like, OMG.  Totally twinsies.  Like…totz.

This time they would be hitting the bright lights as complete opposites.  Maddie would be doing a tap routine.  Chloe would be going gangstah with a hip hop number.

Maddie’s favorite thing in the whole wide world is tap.  Chloe is a skinny little white ballerina who doesn’t even take hip hop lessons.

You do the math on that one.  It’s even easier than my Kristie addition & subtraction a little earlier, so you probably won’t need a calculator.

MackLoJack also got a solo, but she’s not Asia…so you know…

The group routine was entitled Gone Too Soon about celebrities who were gone too…well, you can probably figure that one out as well.

Every girl would play a character.  A dead one.  Dead Diva Dancing, basically.

Nia was Whitney.  Kendall was Selena.  (The Latin one, not Bieber‘s on again/off again suckah girlfriend.  She’s still alive.  A fool for going out with such a Dbag, but still alive.)

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Brooke was Amy Winehouse.  Paige was Anna Nicole Smith.  Chloe was Marilyn Monroe.  And Maddie got to wear a tiara, which was all that really mattered to Abby.

Not to steal any of Honey Boo Boo Child‘s thunder, but if this show had its own People Magazine Whiff & Sniff card this week, the whole thing woulda stank up the barn with favoritism and shame.  And bacon.

Up in the MomPerch it was National Gang Up On Melissa Day.

Apparently while Abby was gone, the Moms had all taken some kind of blood oath to band together as a team and not pimp out any of their kids by sending them to Los Angeles.  One Team.  One Mission.

Yeah.  How did that Mom Parking Lot Sit-In of 2013 work out for everybody?

Needless to say, Melissa had crammed Maddie into Abby’s carry-on and shipped her off to the West Coast asap to appear on AUDC while the rest of the girls stayed in Pittsburgh to do whatever it is that kids do in Pittsburgh before they grow up, smarten up and run away from home without ever looking back.

(No hate mail from the Pittsburgh Office of Tourism, please.)

Somehow that move translated into an argument between Christi and Melissa about sleeping with your boss.  Or Melissa’s boss, more specifically.

Because that’s what she (…allegedly…) did.  Numerous times.  Multiple numerous times, if you know whaddimean.

Before she ended up marrying him.

And can we just talk for a second about how Melissa fights?  Like your 5 year old niece fights, maybe?

Nuh uh.  No way.  You lie.  Whatever.  Not talkin’ about it.  Not talkin’ about it.  Maybe because you’re a big poopy head liar, that’s why.  Whatever.  Fine.

Whatever Infinity.

And then she grabbed her Bratz doll and her sleeping bag and stormed out of the Perch.

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The next day (…I knew it was the next day because Abby and Jill both had new hairdos…) Melissa narced on Christi for being White Trash and then apologized for not remembering that it was 1960’s Dress Up Day at the ALDC.

Holy Bang ‘n Bouffant, Batman.

As Melissa hunkered down in the studio to watch Mackawhacka try and imitate SassyPants Asia’s sassypantsness in her solo, the rest of the Moms looked down and (…white…) trash talked their brains out.

MackPaddiWack was having a rough time of it, and Abby blamed it on her having taken part in recess earlier in the day.

I know, right?  The nerve of that kid.  Playing with her friends.  Getting all that exercise out there in all that unhealthy fresh air.

And that is why dancers should be home schooled, according to Abby, whose wisdom and hairstyles both seemed to be trapped somewhere in the JFK Era this week.

Maddie’s solo rehearsal went a little better.  She’s Maddie, after all.

And Christi is Christi, after all, so she was right back to chewing on Melissa’s neck about whatever and whoever as soon as Mom came upstairs.

They weren’t supposed to run solos.  But Abby’s running Maddie’s.  So you know she won’t run Chloe’s.  Blah blah.  My kids are not your concern.  White Trash.  Boss Sleeper Arounder.  Then somebody said “Bitch” about 100 times.

And then it was the whole pick up your Bratz doll and sleeping bag attitude again.

Punctuated this time by Melissa’s delightfully adolescent “You wish I would die in a car accident while tweeting about One Direction and putting on mascara.”

Or something.

Gah.  Kids today.

After getting liquored up following rehearsal (…do these kids just drive themselves home now?…) everyone was back for one last day of practice and snarking up in the Perch.

Unfortunately, even after cocktails the Moms were way too sober to deal with Payton‘s Mom Leslie, who swung by with her bodyguard on the way home from Walmart.

Turns out that Payton was helping Chloe with her hip hop routine, because the best person to help a skinny little white ballerina get gangstah is a taller skinny white ballerina, right?

Don’t ask.

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And I have no idea who that other woman was who tagged along with Leslie up to the Perch, pretending she didn’t notice the cameras or the fact that Holly, Jill and Melissa were all color coordinated like a Pointer Sisters Cover Band .  Did you see that?

I’m guessing the woman with the glasses won some kind of Facebook contest or something and got to do a walk-on like they did on All My Children a couple years ago.

Look at me, baby.  Mommy’s on the television.

Leslie said that she was supporting her daughter helping Chloe and then quickly left before all the ice cream in her car started to melt.

And seriously, how perfect was it that the Lifetime people weren’t paying attention again and added in a Catering Wars pop-up promo at the bottom of the screen right then that said “The Ultimate Food Fight?”

I wish.

Melissa stormed out again at some point.  Cuz that’s kinda her thang lately.

Finally, it was Showtime!

To compensate for MackSplat not having any of Asia’s sassy “this” and “that,” Abby gave her a whirly twirly Grinch movie headpiece that boinged all over the place when she walked.  Stiffer than a Slinky, but bouncier than a pipe cleaner.  And slightly askew.

If you can’t fake sassy…werk a hat, Bitch.  And you can quote me.

Abby also changed Maddie’s Messy Housewife outfit a few times while basically stepping over Chloe before everyone hit the stage.

Mack’s solo went great, and she did that strut off the stage again that I still can’t master when I leave a room.  Peace out, haters.

Chloe danced around like every drunk chick I’ve ever met at a frat party trying to booty pop.  I’m from Delta Delta.  Wanna do shots?  I’m so wasted.

Don’t get wrong.  I love me some Chloe.  But she was set up to fail.

Maddie jumped all over the stage in her pink apron like some bat s*** crazy DC Cupcake Lady all wired up from licking one too many beater bowls.  Gimme more sugar!  She nailed it, though.

Even when her little pink cartoon apron top fell down, she took a (…bowl…) licking and kept on ticking.

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From here on out is was basically the Maddie Show until the credits rolled.

Abby loved Maddie’s solo even though she had an apron malfunction.  Christi pointed out that Abby had an emotional melt down when Chloe’s headpiece fell over her eyeballs a few seasons ago, but yet had nothing negative to say about Maddie flashing her baked goods on stage.  Really?

Insert random Christi eye roll here:  ______________!

After the group routine, Abby stated that she had only watched Maddie.  Not her backup dancers.

Even when they took First Place in the group category Abby never looked up from that iPhone with the “Save Those Tears…” sticker long enough to recognize any of the other girls.  She thought it was crap that Maddie had only gotten 2nd Place in her solo, and she didn’t want to play anymore.

I guess she was doing her own version of a Sit-In.  But she sits all the time, so I couldn’t be certain what was really happening.

Backstage it was more Christi vs. Melissa vs. Tap vs. Hip Hop dramz.  I don’t know if it was the same episode or another repeat.  Jill had another hairdo, but it was one I’d seen before, so I got all confused.

This week, it was Melissa who uttered the contractually required “That’s it.  I’m done.  I’m so over it.” before slamming her suitcase and taking the mandatory Walk of Shame past the lockers.

I think they need a new gimmick.

Or maybe just freakin’ bring back Kristie.  How’z ’bout dat?

Don’t make me keep saying it.

Abby hugged Maddie, who had started to cry a few Precious Moments tears before being swallowed up by Abby’s ample bosoms like Star Trek‘s Enterprise when it gets sucked into a Klingon Black Hole.

In Dance, no one can hear you scream.

And then it was over.

Let’s just say that those Lifetime execs are darn lucky that I saw Kristie in the previews for next time or it wouldn’t have been pretty.

Put yo’ hands up, cuz next week LA is back in the house!

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Dance Moms: They Say That There’s No Room For Any Rotten Apples, But Cathy Just Hijacked The Show Again.

Wednesday, June 26th, 2013

2Don’t touch that dial or adjust your television set.

You’re not on the wrong channel.

The show formally known as Dance Moms was back again this week.  Sorta.

Or as I like to call it…the second installment of the Candy Apples Variety Show was back again this week.

Due to the combination of somebody in the Lifetime back offices having some noticeably poor planning and organizational skills when it comes to juggling two different Abby Lee Miller show tapings, and someone else’s hot mess of an idea to blatantly cross promote the two shows as long as there’s leftover B-Roll, America was once again subjected to a full hour of commercials for Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

And the Ohio Department of Tourism, of course.

That should explain your confusion if you tuned in after the opening credits.

It probably also explains the slowdown in your internet speed, because not since that North by NorthWest Kardashian Baby popped out last week has the Twitterverse encountered such a firestorm of opinion.

If you were looking for…I don’t know…the actual Dance Moms this week, you came to the wrong place.  This was Candy Apples territory.  Again.

And all those little tweeny boppers who made the switch from Pretty Little Liars to Lifetime weren’t happy at all.

Now I’m all about good marketing and promoting your shiz so we all remember to reset our DVRs when Dance Moms finishes up the season.  I get it.

My biggest concern is that by the time we get back to Pittsburgh and the ALDC, these kids who have been MIA for the majority of this month are probably going to have already graduated college and gotten jobs in summer stock theater somewhere.

What if they don’t even have braces anymore?

And don’t even get me started on two weeks without my girl Kristie Ray.

Not acceptable.

I expect a call from Lifetime explaining how they plan to make up for this error, and what I’m supposed to do with all these “I Heart Kristie” t-shirts I was planning to put up on eBay today.  I even used glitter glue, fercryinoutloud.

Clearly I should just put her face on a milk carton and hope someone has seen her wandering the cold, lonely streets of PA looking for the ALDC cameras.

Don’t get me wrong.  We love the conflict and hissy fits and water fights between Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and the Moms.  But a full hour?  Twice?

It was called Batman & Robin for a reason. Not The Penguin Show.

So according to my dedicated online research, which could potentially get me flagged as a creeper if anyone actually knew which chat rooms I checked up on after the show (…I used to read books, you know. Now I just make sure to delete my laptop history and go to bed…) it’s clear that the majority of you did some channel surfing during the episode.

And despite all the Moms, and one DadMom, being 2nd string this week…there were still a few chuckles.  And you know I like the chuckles.

So I give you the Pittsburgh Quickie.

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All the highlights that you may have missed while you were complaining online somewhere or checking in with that Spice Girl on America’s Got Talent.

And, yes…little Sophia Lucia was even spotted on AGT spinning around behind the curtains.  How many more stages does that little kid really need to pee on before she marks her turf in all fifty states?

But I digress.

We’re here to catch up on Dance Moms in under 5 minutes.

As soon as we saw that Chaos Cathy had created a whole new agriculturally friendly Pyramid Video in Photoshop, we knew she meant business this week.  Now she just needs to have all the kids get some new headshots so she doesn’t have to keep using those creepy Facebook selfies.

Cathy and Anthony Burrell continued to butt heads all week as they prepped for the Masters of Dance competition on local docal Columbus, Ohio.  He was trying to take over as the new Candy Apple King and she wasn’t having it.  Even his constant celebrity resumé name dropping didn’t phase Cathy.  Or me.

Anthony also wanted the boys to do push ups without wetting themselves while the girls just stood around putting on makeup and talking about the lines at Sephora.

Or something like that.

Jalen’s Dad Rick called the MomCouch the “Kiss And Cry Room” which was slightly ironic, since he’s the only one who ever cries in there.  Man Up, dude.

The highlight this week was pretty much Cathy and sluggish Vivi-Anne spending some quality bonding time categorizing the 4,000 bunny statues and bunny wreaths and bunny figurines and bunny KitchenAid appliances that Cathy had crammed into her home.  Just.  Whoa.  Say NO to the bunny.

If those things ever came to life, it would be Planet of the Apes all over again.

Bunny Hoarders.  Coming this Fall to Lifetime.

The group routine was a full-on ecstasy induced Klub Kid Studio 54 routine set to the music of scenester Malik So Chic.

Bitch, please.

If you were out of the room you also missed some headwear drama when Hadley‘s little neck couldn’t support the massive Lion King accessory that Anthony had chosen for her tribal duet with Nick #2.  Who goes into a performance without a dress rehearsal?

Let’s be honest.  I don’t even go to the mall without walking around my house once or twice to make sure I look good from all angles in the Food Court.  Geez Louise.

Then some kids danced.

Amidst all the AUDC promos and sniplets of Maddie performing on the finale show, they even won some stuff.

I’m assuming that Mom Melissa must have been at Bloomingdales during the AUDC filming, because we never saw her face even once while Maddie rolled around on the floor in front of two fingered Richy Jackson and that Broadway Flashdance lady.

You remember Maddie, right?  She used to be on Dance Moms?

Oh, snap.  I went there.

And now you’re caught up.

I appears that after a quirky Oprah-looking Chatter Show next week we might finally get back to our normal drama filled hilarity at the ALDC.  Keep your fingers crossed and save those tears for your pillow.

Yeah.  I’m talking to you, Rick.

But until then, in the words of that trashy girl in high school…

Enjoy your quickie.  The first one’s free.

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