Posts Tagged ‘Brooke Hyland’

Dance Moms: It’s The Final Solo Battle Before Nationals, So Somebody Better #SLAY This Thing Right Now…Or Else.

Thursday, August 6th, 2015

js

 

 

 

#Janky

 

 

mm

 

 

 

Maybe because I’m FABULOUS, bitch. What exactly don’t you understand after all this time?

 

 

mdp

 

 

Let’s just keep it real. With only one week left, technique is more important than whether they can breath or not.

 

 

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#Nationals.

 

 

eb

 

 

 

And technically, I’m pretty sure it’s not illegal in CA unless it’s a plastic bag with a big zip tie.

 

 

jjb

 

 

 

Oh. My. Gawd. Get a snap of this big a** bow and then tell me I didn’t just die and go to Heaven.

 

 

h

 

 

Nobody pushes my baby around. Except me today when she blocked my closeup in the video. Mama’s werkin’ here, honey.

 

 

 

And I quote.

“Our girls are so crazy.  Those crazy girls.”

Mikey Minden said it.  Not me.  I’m just agreeing with him.

And that pretty much sums up this week’s episode of Dance Moms if you need to leave now.  Thanks for coming.  Drive safely.

But if you can stick around, let’s get right to the deets…because there was certainly enough crazy (…Spoiler Alert:  And FAAABulousness…) to fill an hour.

Beginning right out on the sidewalk as soon as the credits rolled.

After some pregnant lady stuff almost knocked her off the show last week, Kira was back with the other Moms outside 3rd Street Dance, feeling much better and discussing their plan of attack for the final competition before…say it with me…Nationals.

YGWUAvm

Using two thumbs and her invisible cell phone, Melissa asked Kira if she had seen any of the juicy dirt on social media about the upcoming weekend, because Erin Babbs and her dreaded MDP girls were coming back to try and steal another win out from under from the ALDC.  Needless to say, Kira was up to date.

Don’t you worry, Mel.  Even when she was being intravenously fed fluids through a tube in the emergency room, I’m pretty sure Kira had that other hand swiping through somebody’s Instagram.  She’s good like dat.

I did get a little bit of anxiety when I noticed that my MomCrush Jill was MIA, but it was quickly explained that she had returned to PA for a family graduation.  Kendall was still in California with the rest of the ALDC troupe (…her choice.  Jill didn’t forget her…) and Melissa was quick to let everyone know that she was in charge of the youngest Vertes in Jill’s absence, just in case any Twitter haters thought they could spin the situation into 140 characters or less on child abandonment.  Which was good to hear, because I’m sure somebody out there was already thinking it before Melissa even finished the sentence.

fail-whale-twitter

Side note:  Speaking of.  Srsly with some of these Twitter peeps?  I mean.  I barely have enough time to watch this show and then recap it.  And I like all these little Dance Moms kids (…old AND new, thank you…) as much as anybody else.  But spamming and retweeting 1,000s and 1,000s of tweets and tweeting your hate tweets about how you hate little kids who hate tweet and making a secret Twitter club of grown a** adults who smack talk and hate tweet little kids who hate tweet?

We get it.  We know who your #ChoiceDancer and #CandiesStyleIcon is.  I like her, too.

But here’s a thought.  When you start posting more photos of a complete stranger from a television show than you do your own new grandchild…maybe it’s time to go off the grid.

I’m done with this subject.  Forever.  Or this week.  We now return to your regularly scheduled funny stuff already in progress.

And the good news for the rest of you?  That rant took up so much time and space that I don’t have room to post Abby Lee Miller in her racy lacy Lane Bryant bra this week.

ab1More than once, I mean.

The Pyramid of Shame was back again.  Was it just me or did those 6 tiny pictures taped to the gold bricks look like the first day in a Freshman dorm when you haven’t had time to decorate but can’t go to sleep in a strange place without at least one photo of all your BFFs wearing plastic New Year’s Eve 2014 glasses on the wall?

That Pyramid looked so lonely up there.

Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the bottom.  Kalani and Mackenzie were in the middle.  And Maddie was on top.  Rinse and Repeat.

Q.  Has Abby been using the same Pyramid since Season Three?  Because, I swear.

Oh.  And the grand opening of the new ALDCLA was still on schedule for next week.

Good job, Bob.  You single?

abThis week, the gang was headed to Anaheim, CA for the Dance Kids USA Competition.

That’s the one from last year where little kids are the judges and the dancers get unicorn stickers and smiley face emojis instead of points.  And everyone drinks from those plastic glitter Target cups that magically keep your beverages hot or cold.  😍💋😍🐴😍💄😍

In the last Cage Match Battle before Nationals next week…

giphy-42…Nia and Kalani were going up against each other to see who would fill one of the sacred solo spots at Nationals.  Next week.

When Nationals takes place.

Kalani’s solo was entitled ‘Shades of Grey’ like the book (…but hopefully not as nasty…) while Nia’s was simply called ‘Bye, Felicia’ like Drag Queens and Real Housewives always say when you get up in their face like a stupid hoe.

Vicky_vox_bye_feliciaThe ‘Made In The Shade’ group dance was a DoWhatYouDoBest kinda number that would utilize what I believe were the same flimsy, frilly parasols they used in that cartoon part of Mary Poppins when all the penguins danced like Dick Van Dyke.

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Props.  Lord Almighty.  When will they ever learn?  Clearly, nobody on this show reads my blog.  Look at how crazy Melissa looks right now.

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As the girls got to popping their Umbrella-ella-ellas backward and forward into each other’s eyeballs, we scooted over to MDP to see what wassup with Erin and all those red head sacks.  Because that’s what she was using for her ‘Last One Standing’ dance.

Red fabric satin gift bags from the Dollar Store turned upside down and cinched nice and tight around the girls’ necks with about 75 feet of Evil Villain Cape flapping in the breeze like this guy from the Batman comic books:

redhood-b66-7_zpsbae4e813Erin even said the exact same thing.  Go back and watch that part.

With two days left before…you know…the ALDC umbrellas were a hot mess.  After three of them either broke or turned inside out within the first 8 count, Jessalynn called them “Janky” and I grew to love her even more.  She’s a freakin’ hoot.

True Fact:  The Oxford Dictionaries added the word “Janky” to their listings this year, so clearly JoJo’s Mom was ahead of the curve when this was taped.

Right around here was also when Abby gave a 20 minute dissertation on Kalani’s character for the dance that I completely spaced out on midway through.  It was something about Disco Dancer  Roseanna Roseannadanna from Saturday Night Live who broke the hearts of all these gay men at Studio 54 in the ’70s or something.  I dunno.

Honestly, I knew Mikey Minden was coming up next with Nia’s new music video shoot and I kind of lost my focus due to all the upcoming Fabulousness that was about to get sprayed in my face.  I had to emotionally prepare myself and put plastic on the furniture.

And then it happened.  And it was sparkle-tacular.  ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

Mikey did this a lot, while this other dude kept checking his texts…

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And then Mikey did it some more while that other dude tried rebooting his phone…

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The video was all like OhHeyGurrrrl

dragAnd Nia was all like Sup?

v2And then she was like…

v1And even like…

vMom Holly was so proud she even put on her Coachella hat again for some reason.

hatJoJo was a backup dancer in the music video and got to wear this ornamental bow contraption thingamabob that was so big that after filming she had to go outside and smoke a candy cigarette.  Because it was THAT good.  JoJo does love her BowBows.

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And her Miley Cyrus accessories.

No lie:  Carmen Electra even showed up to be in the video.

Not with this sense of urgency, of course…

CarmenElectra-Baywatch220…but in her defense, she was wearing a tiny Mad Max Thunderdome denim booty short ensemble kind of thing with the pocket flaps hanging out, which probaby explained why she couldn’t run very fast.  Because, you know.  You can’t really run with…those.

ce#CandiesStyleIcon.  Am I too late?

Side note:  Throughout the episode you never really saw Abby show any support for Nia’s blossoming musical career, but I also didn’t see anybody from Baywatch begging to run in circles with a pink umbrella, so…

tumblr_inline_n6msxhdIOr1sdq5iyJill Vertes Fashion Watch:  I think I forgot to mention that Jill came back from Pittsburgh with extremely toned triceps and some new hair.  That must have been a pretty awesome graduation party if you needed new extensions by the time it was all over.

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Side note:  In the ThrowBack Tuesday Special which aired directly after this DM show, Kendall made fun of Jill’s new Malibu VertesBarbie hair by making this face…

kk2…which is totally unrelated to the recap but funny.  Clearly, I heart Jill too much.

But at least I own it.

After a brief crafting session out behind the studio where all the Moms tried to MacGyver some dowels into sturdy umbrella exoskeletons (…did you notice that Holly was more than willing to help even though Nia wasn’t in the group number?  There’s no ‘I’ in ‘TEAM,’ people…but there’s a ‘FRAZIER’…) everyone headed back to the hotel to pack.

Finally it was Showtime!

The ALDC showed up carrying their open umbrellas because, you know…umbrellas, I guess.  Good thing their props weren’t park benches or that giant prison fence from two weeks ago, even though the MDP girls could probably have offered assistance and helped hoist them out of the bus after they finished doing their 100 push-ups in the hot sun.

Don’t ask.

Naturally, all the Moms from both sides came face to face outside the building and sniffed each other up and down like I dunno what circling a sand dune.  Jessalynn noted that all the MDP girls looked like cousins, which I believe was SiwaCode for something about inbreeding, though I could be mistaken.  But probably not.

Some random MDP Mom (…I have no idea who these women are, so we’ll just call her MDPM #1…) accused the ALDCMs of just being in it for the money and then somebody said something about Nationals again.

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Side note:  How much do we love these little judges?  They are IN.  TO.  IT.

jdgAnd you know those headsets aren’t even plugged into a transmitter, right?

It’s Britney, Bitch.

The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was first up with her solo and she nailed it.  It was all jazzy, urban-y, Nia-y and everyone loved it.  Except for Abby, who just kept shaking her head and looking at her iPhone.

Kalani followed Nia with a dance that somehow interrupted Abby’s cell service long enough to get her undivided attention for the entire routine.  Abby even called Kalani “breathtaking” when the number was finished.

After the solos were completed, Abby snubbed Nia so hard that it made me squint while all the MDP Moms watched in delight from the sidelines in the back hallway.  I’m not sure what that was all about, or why you would want to do something like that in front of your competitors.

PS.  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week:

h1Then there was another commercial for that manic Dance Moms Slumber Party thing that has been going on for the last 29 weeks.  When are these kids finally gonna go to bed fercryinoutloud?  Some of us have to work in the morning.

Behind the scenes in the makeup room (…which all the Moms were putting to good use this week, BTW.  You see everyone buffing themselves back there?…) the MDP gang burst in to stir things up again.

Do none of these doors have locks?  How does this keep happening?

They didn’t stay long though, because the group routines were up next.

The MDP Red Hood Dance had the Red Hood WOW Factor, while the ALDC routine had Mackenzie’s umbrella doinking out a spike and almost puncturing the carotid artery on the left side of her neck.  At least she wasn’t wearing pigtails.

Check out this kid in the audience sucking down a Pixie Stick while random MDPM #2 gets #11 lines in her forehead by frowning too much:

wtfI miss Toddlers & Tiaras.  And Pixie Sticks.  In that order.

And then the little kid judges handed out One Direction buttons and honorable mention construction paper certificates made out of macaroni and glitter pens.

Solos:  Kalani came in 3rd.  Somebody that didn’t get any camera time came in 2nd.  And then Nia took home First Place.  Nia Sioux.  That one.

First Place!  For this kid right here, yo!  #SLAY.

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Abby gasped in horror, but the way they edit some of this shizz lately it could have been a shot taken when a kid from another studio backflipped off the stage and went out on a stretcher in a neck brace.

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Or Abby could just be a hater.  Who knows.  I’ll let the #ChoiceDancer people deal.

Group:  Turns out the MDP girls cut off their own oxygen supply for no reason, because they ended up only taking home Second Place.  Which meant that the ALDC got back their mojo AND their First Place macaroni plaque all in one night!

Backstage, Abby hugged Kalani so hard she almost went to the emergency room with her Mom again as Nia and Holly just stood there and watched.  There was definitely not an even distribution of AbbyLove spread around the room this week.

And then the rules changed.

Again.

Just because Nia won First Place, it didn’t mean that she would be doing a solo at Nationals.  Even though those were the rules 59 minutes ago when the show started.

Solos were still up in the air.

In one week.

At Nationals.

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See you then, suckahs.

Lord Almighty.  I’m out.

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Dance Moms: Who’s Yo’ Baby? When It’s Only Two Weeks Until Nationals, Someone Has To Deliver The Drama.

Thursday, July 30th, 2015

mmz

 

 

Or I could just snap her neck right now and settle this whole solo thing before we even order lunch.

 

 

kg

 

 

It’s 200 degrees out, I’m pregnant and I’m sitting on untreated plywood. You really want to start with me again today?

 

 

jb

 

 

Psssst. Can you tell who’s dancing right now? I can’t see a damn thing behind this big a** Bump-It.

 

 

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“Nationals.”

 

 

np

 

 

 

Yeah, Hi. I need to know how to stop a guy from posting photos of my dance teacher in her bra.

 

 

jm

 

 

How ’bout you save some room for the cake? I’m not going to Costco if you’re not gonna eat it.

 

 

kk

 

 

Seeing my Mother do a cartwheel in a skirt on national TV. Guess I can check another one off my Bucket List.

 

 

 

Who knew?

Nationals are coming up again.  And in two weeks, apparently.

Or at least that’s what I gathered from the latest episode of Dance Moms, because everyone was sure talking about it a lot.  And I mean…a lot.

Which I guess means it’s a pretty big deal.  So let’s not waste any valuable time.  Just grab your high-end designer dance bag, stenciled ALDC logo Drinking Game shot glass (…or plastic Asia Monet Ray sippy cup if you’re under 21…) and some form of protective chapeau in case you bump your head and let’s get this party started, shall we?

It’s The Road To Nationals.

You know the rules by now.

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As all the Moms and Kids wandered into at a vaguely familiar back alley location, it was clear that this was going to be a week of change and progress for all our temporarily displaced Pittsburghians.

You heard me.  Actual progress.

Most notably, the arrival of the Official ALDCLA 1-800-Got-Junk? Dumpster, which signified that Abby Lee Miller‘s first step towards World Dance Domination was now one trash receptacle closer to becoming a reality.

It’s true.  Somebody was actually throwing stuff out.  Which meant that the new LA studio was real.  And almost completed!  Good job, Bob.  Took you long enough.

bob

I’ve never seen so many people so excited to see a dumpster since that episode of CSI:Miami where they found all the missing bodies that were supposed to have been eaten alive by swamp alligators during Spring Break.

It was the Big Reveal.  The ALDCLA Studio was actually happening.

And now it was time to check it out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush did a cheerleading cartwheel in a skirt and somebody had to blur out her 1-800 like it was Melissa‘s mouth.  If I smoked, I would be outside behind that dumpster having a cigarette right now.  That will be all for today.

The girls went ba-zonkers when they saw the new studio, which really was pretty slick.  It had that light colored wood flooring you always see on the cover of Hamptons Magazine and brick walls painted the same color as Donald Trump‘s toilet.

Side note:  FYI for the Internet Gamers out there.  Wherever they are placed, walls made out of gold bricks immediately stop your enemy from spawning and can be used to build houses, castles, barricades and dance studios, I guess.

Hilarious, when you put it into Dance Moms context.  Right?

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The Road To Nationals:  I can’t keep up with this one any more.  This week it was Two Weeks To Nationals, which we’ll just refer to as “2W2N” going forward, since there is no way I’m typing that whole sentence out every time one of these women says it.

Not happening.

tumblr_mfpr904wdD1rysluto1_500As the girls ran in circles strapping on yellow iParty hard hats, Melissa got a little touchy-feely with two of the construction guys for some reason.  Sam and Chris didn’t seem to mind, tho, since they got free advertising for their flooring company.  You’d swear Mama Z thought this was her own new home being revealed on HGTV for the first time.

Am I wrong?  Dial it down, ma’am.  They already handed out the Emmys.

As for the ALDCLA, Abby announced that the goal was to have the new studio open and up and running in two weeks.

Just like Nationals…

giphy…which concerned Jill, because she knew how Abby gets when it comes to multi-tasking.

Abby’s concern, on the other hand, was that none of her team had improved their technique since last year’s final competition.  And how is that even possible?  Other goals?  Other interests?  Blinded by the lights of Hollywood?  Hmmm.

But that would have to wait until the Pyramid of Shame, where Kalani, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia found themselves commiserating at the bottom, while Maddie and Kendall hung out somewhere in the middle.

Which meant that Mackenzie (…is she legit not MackZ anymore?…) made it to the top.  And that’s about as quickly as Abby went through the lineup.  Game over.  Moving on.

This week, the gang was headed to Spokane, WA for another Sheer Talent Competition.

Kendall, who had beat out JoJo in last week’s ALDC Battle For The Solo Cage Match, would be going up against Maddie this time for a spot at Nationals.  JoJo, as you will recall, had spaced out and forgotten her entire routine at the last competition, but it really doesn’t matter because her Mom has the best SideEye on the show.

Srsly.  Jessalynn Siwa Hilarity Scale:  I’m afraid her eyeballs may stick like that some day.  She makes me snort.

Here she is giving SideEye while calling 911 on her imaginary cell phone:

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Love.

Mackenzie was also assigned a solo this week, entitled ‘Bat S*** Crazy,‘ which made everyone laugh and get (bleeped) out.  Not sure how I feel about parents always swearing around their kids, but Mackenzie’s face was so F***ing hilarious that everyone got a pass this week.  Her solo also had something to do with getting a spot at Nationals, but she wasn’t going up against her sister, mainly because I can’t do Dance Math.

The group routine was based on the movie Bridesmaids.  Figure it out.

With only two days to go before Sheer Talent, the girls were hard at work always being bridesmaids while the Moms sat around the perimeter wall on the same un-sanded plywood risers they use to display terra cotta plant pots in that seasonal part of Home Depot that you can never get to when it rains.  You see that set-up?

I realize the whole thing is still a work in progress, but you know how the Moms like to slide in and out of position without setting down their Starbucks and Sidekicks.  I hope Lifetime is footing the bill for everyone’s tetanus shot, cuz that’s gotta hurt.

NEWSFLASH:  Kira is pregnant!  With a baby.

kg2Pregnant!  But not married, as Melissa was quick to point out.  Or even engaged, as Melissa was quick to point out.  And maybe, but probably not (…or maybe yes…) living in Sin, as Melissa was also quick to point out.  I dunno.  But Kira was definitely pregnant.

Five months pregnant, actually.

And definitely staying cool in all the shade Melissa was throwing her way.

I love this show.  And Melissa.

Doctor’s note:  Turns out that Kalani’s Mom has had complications with her pregnancy, which would explain all the screaming and yelling and raging hormones during the last few Abby vs. Kira throw downs.  Like the one where this happened…

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So to recap:  It’s 2W2N.  And the 4W you’ve seen Abby in her ALDCDDD bra.

Dance Moms:  The Gift That Keeps On Giving.

ab1And Giving.

I’m done.  I swear.  At least until I mail out this year’s holiday card, that is.

xmas

Now I’m done.

As Melissa, Abby and Jill planned out Kira’s Baby Shower (…did we miss an episode or something, because didn’t they all hate each other last week?…)  Holly and Nia Sioux received an absolutely Fabulous phone call from the Fabulous Mikey Minden who was off at some undisclosed location just being Fabulous.

Long story short…Mikey had just scheduled Nia’s next music video shoot.  Abby tried to eavesdrop on the call.  JoJo was asked to be a back-up dancer.  Melissa and Jill seemed to be less than supportive, but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt because party planning is a pretty stressful occupation when you’re new in town and don’t know a good cake shop.  And Mikey was Fabulous.

The next day, Mackenzie was having trouble being Bat S*** Crazy, which is pretty ironic given her surroundings.  So she cried.  And Abby called her a 10 year old baby.  And then Melissa got (bleeped) out again.  And then Mackenzie cried again.

Kendall’s Radical Red Riding Hood Routine (…say that 10X fast…) involved a flying head scarf as a prop.  And you know how well this show does with props.  So you might as well just leave that one on the floor and work on your spins, honey.

Maddie, on the other hand, did NOT get a prop for this week’s competition.  Which, according to my MomCrush, left zero room for error with the judges and pretty much guaranteed Sia‘s BFF a spot at Nationals.  Which were in two weeks.

9bef607a18aa859bb870c1a0bce764f1.500x275x8Side note:  The Moms finally got a blanket to sit on.  Nobody said it, but you know it was Holly who made someone go get one at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  It would be one thing if she was still wearing pull-on principal pants, but now that Dr. Beyoncé is a fashionista…Girl, pleez.  Protect that investment.

Side note Two:  Holly does NOT carry around an afro wig in her purse.  Never has.  Never will.  That debate was finally cleared up once and for all during this week’s bonus #ThrowbackTuesday Holly & Nia Variety Hour which aired immediately after the regularly scheduled episode.

Not that anyone other than Abby ever thought she did, of course.  But have you seen the size of that Louis bag?  Mama’s got something good in there.  You just know it.

And then Abby noted that it was only 2W2N.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

Aside from winning First Place, everyone’s biggest concern this time around was finding a cake table for Kira’s impromptu baby shower.  And maybe finding Kira, who was MIA as the bus pulled up to the curb.

According to Kalani, her Mom was headed to the hospital.  Just as a precaution.  For some pregnant lady stuff.

Did I forget to mention that Kendall only got a little red head scarf for a prop but Maddie got an elaborate Cirque du Soleil costume that did everything but light up and blow fireworks for her solo routine?  I may have forgotten since I almost didn’t notice.

But Jill noticed.  Oh, yeah.  She noticed.

Right before Abby announced that it was only 2W2N.

giphy-1Mackenzie was first out on stage.  Second, actually.  Her music started before she got there.  Not sure how that happened.

mAt first she was kinda cute with her little Halloween BatEars and BatTumble shtick that she does every week, but then all of the sudden she got all like…

tumblr_m212paEGuo1qbjy8co1_500…and it went from being just plain BatS***Crazy to pretty BatCool.

Side note:  Did we ever figure out what happened to that one missing judge?  Did you see the #EmptyChair that stayed #Empty throughout the entire competition?

That was #Random.

mdd

Maddie followed with her Living Oak Tree Dance and then Kendall rocked her RRRHRoutine until she dropped her scarf on the floor, just like I said she would.

Props.  Go figure.

And then Kira showed up, so I guess her pregnant lady stuff wasn’t too serious after all.

Unless she knew there was gonna be cake, I mean.  Because if I knew there was cake involved, I’d drag my IV Drip against traffic, straight up Hollywood & Vine just to get me a slice.  But maybe that’s just me.

The last ALDC performance was the group dance, which they nailed.  If you’re getting tired of The Road To Nationals Drinking Game, we could probably change it to the Mackenzie In Pigtails Again Drinking Game if you’d prefer.

Because that needs to stop immediately.

I’m serious.  Pigtails and Ugg Boots.  Just stop.  I’m not even joking anymore.

Side note:  At some point in the show, Nia made this face.  Which was hilarious.

niaI swear.  I don’t know where she gets that sassy attitude.

h2As for the Awards:  Mackenzie took First Place in the I’m Not A Baby Anymore category.

Maddie took First Place in the other one, followed by Kendall in Second Place.  And the Bridesmaids swiped First Place right out from under everyone else.  Pretty much a clean sweep.

Which totally called for cake.  And the cutest little ALDC onesie evah.  Kira definitely hauled in some quality goods at her backstage baby shower.

She even got in a food fight with the girls.

kg1But the fun was short lived.  All of the sudden everyone started arguing about who was going home and who was staying in California and how Melissa could possibly have two different departure dates for the same Hawaiian vacation.  I’m not even sure what that was all about, since I’m too poor to ever go to Hawaii.

Everyone was talking at once and it gave me anxiety.

And then it was over.

That fast.  Just like that.

2W2N, people.

Count ’em.

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Dance Moms: It’s Solo Battle Round 1 As JoJo Goes Up Against Kendall K. Let’s Get Ready To ALDC Rumble!

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015

jsw1

 

 

Because I called the big googly glasses and frizzy hair today, that’s why. Now go home and change.

 

 

jc

 

 

 

#IHateYouGuys.

 

 

 

jv

 

 

 

I swear to Gawd. If ONE man in that chorus is prettier than me, I’m quitting this show for good.

 

 

superman-is-done1

 

 

 

 

“Nationals.”

 

 

 

mc

 

 

 

I know, right? Check ’em out. Miley Cyrus socks. They even smell like her by the end of the day.

 

h

 

 

 

Girrrrl, pleez. Did she just say 527 hair bows for one little girl? That is srsly messed up.

 

mf

 

 

 

If I can just knock this down and get to the door, I might stand a chance of getting out alive.

 

 

 

Let’s just get right to it, shall we?

It was Dance Moms: Lite as what was left of the ALDC all gathered in front of 3rd Street Dance to regroup after the dramatic exit of one of their own last week.

Kira and Kalani had (…once again…) jumped the Lukasiak/Hyland GetOuttaTown Bus and walked out on the team after a second throw down with Abby Lee Miller.  It was pretty dramatic, with lots of screaming and yelling and Alexa Moffett in a dress that the internet still hasn’t come to grips with seven days later.

They cried.  They quit.  And then they went home to Arizona, never to bee seen again.

Spoiler Alert:  Or not, maybe.

As the girls headed up to the penthouse rehearsal space 84 floors above street level, the few remaining Dance Moms…Moms…hung out on the sidewalk for a few more minutes to discuss their current situation.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Stripper Shoe Shout-Out:  It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, I guess.

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Holly really didn’t know if Kalani would come back after that second fight, which was a good lead-in to a quick flashback of Kira trying to maneuver her roly-poly suitcase around 42 Louis Vuitton bags and whatever that mess was behind Melissa.

Seriously.  Five seasons later and not one Mom has yet been able to scream “I’m Done!” and exit the building with all four wheels and/or their dignity still intact.

SuperFan TakeOver Flashback:  Do you remember when Melissa tried to bolt down that hallway in Season One carrying every trophy she could snatch and ran over those two kids that still have to sleep with the lights on four years later?

I love this show.

But that second fight between Kira and Abby wasn’t the Big One, at least according to Jessalynn.  It was the first one, a few weeks back, that had really set them off on a path to destruction.  Which gave a good lead-in to yet another flashback.

And an opportunity for me to use this photo for the third week in a row.  Do enjoy.

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Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Staaahp it with this woman.  HIGH-sterical.  AND you get to see Abby in her lacy Lane Bryant again?  Pretty much a Win/Win all around.

Side note:  Bonus Points to the Marketing Department for randomly placing that 3rd Street floor banner right out there in the middle of the sidewalk during filming.  I see what you did there.  You know you’re supposed to get city hall approval anytime you put something outside that blocks traffic and fire exits, right?  When that thing blows over in the wind and kills somebody, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  It’s public access, not a Trade Show booth.

Upstairs, the Pyramid of Shame had returned!

JoJo with the (..Spoiler Alert: 527…) Hair Bows and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the Bottom.  I almost forgot how this thing worked.

Side note:  Feel free to pre-order Nia’s on-fleeka duet with Coco Jones right here.

Yaaaaaaas!  Slay, gurl.  Slay.

Mackenzie and Maddie held down the mezzanine level of the Pyramid.

Wait.  What?  Maddie?

Turns out that Abby wanted to knock her Golden Child down a peg and make the oldest Ziegler work for that top tier status from now on.  No more Free Rides, honey.  Which would have been much more of a Teaching Moment if Abby had stuck her all the way down on the bottom and moved Nia up a peg, if you ask me.  But you know…

Whatev.  I’m pretty sure Maddie was too busy making music videos to even care.

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Drumroll.  Which meant that Kendall was on top of the Pyramid!!!  KK got all excited.  My MomCrush Jill got all excited.  Everyone was pretty excited.

About time Kendall got some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.

This week the gang was headed to Escondido, CA for the New York Dance Experience.

NYDE.  Which I totally thought said NYSE on the backdrop during previews.  Not that Maddie doesn’t already have enough money invested in SiaStocks to justify ringing the opening bell.  I just don’t think she can reach the button yet.

Kendall and JoJo scored the solos.  Top and Bottom of the Pyramid.  Just like in baseball.

KK’s solo was entitled ‘Immortal’ and had something to do with chariot races at the first Olympiad, while JoJo would be channeling her Inner Miley Cyrus in a tribute to the former Hannah Montana star who got really famous by doing stuff with one of those foam fingers you can buy at football games.

JoJo.  Loves.  Miley.

Like, OMG Smiley Face and Hearts loves Miley.

giphy11JoJo literally had to be put on a ventilator during the commercial break she loves Miley so much.  She even wears Miley Socks.  Maybe by the holidays Miley will finally start wearing underwear and put her face on that, too.  You better start making your Christmas lists now, kids, just to be on the safe side.

The ‘Don’t Fence Me In’ group routine was going to be based on a gigantic barbed wire (…duh…) fence prop, which was very timely considering that everyone on the news seems to be breaking out of prison nowadays.  (You don’t think that Jeff Collins is psychic, do you?  How else do you explain this week’s dance theme when the show is taped so many months in advance?)

As luck would have it,  Abby had more than enough available barricade surrounding the terminally-under construction ALDCLA site, so finding something for Mackenzie to swing on wasn’t going to be a problem.

F’realz.  Is that new studio even open yet?  It’s been like two years.  I bet they’re faking their Instagram feed with a green screen.  What’s the hold up, Bob?

maxresdefault-1This was an especially important week, tho, because the highest scoring ALDC soloist would move on to compete against NEXT week’s soloist in the battle for a spot at the…umm…they say it all the time.  And it always sneaks up on me every season.  What was the name again?

The Road To Nationals:  You know what to do every time you hear somebody say it.

tumblr_ndcjvy2ZVC1qk08n1o2_500Under 21?  Have a juice box.  We’ll make a game out of it.  It’ll be fun.

As the girls got to rehearsing, we went to check in on the Candy Apples.  Who were back again.  Except that they were called the Broadway Dance Academy dancers now and Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was not even listed on my DVR recording.

Don’t ask.

Jeanette Cota was also back, if that helps give you any sense of normalcy.  The way she explained it, she and Ava were here for the long run now that Chaos Cathy had moved on, whatever that means.  I’m pretty sure Cathy’s still alive, tho, because somebody is still talking smack about Abby on her Twitter page.  So I’m thinking she definitely just moved on…not passed on.

And if Jeanette was going to lead this new and improved team to victory, she was going to do it with edgy, controversial, on-trend subject matter that she could rub all over Abby’s face like butter on a biscuit.

Starting with Transgender issues and the impact it has on young members of the LGBT community.  And on Chloe’s Mom Liza, apparently, who got so overwhelmed by the subject matter that I thought somebody was gonna have to run across town and get JoJo’s inhaler.

Liza got all like…

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…and barely made it through Jeanette’s full backstory on the dance like…

VerklemptThat other lady still had on her razor slice necklace, too.  What the what?

Transgender Advocate Jay Pryor, whose life the It Gets Better musical project is based on, would be coming to visit soon, along with members of the Gay Men’s Chorus, who…wait for it…would be singing LIVE during competition.

Side note:  Did Jeanette call it the Gay MAN’s Chorus the first time, or was it just me?

Cuz I swear…

Jeanette was clearly going for the kill shot this week.

Just like Kira.  Who was baaaaaaack.

kg2No lie.  They were back already.  Granted, Kira and Kalani pulled into the parking lot on Day Two so slowly that I thought they had a nail in their tire.  But at least they were back.  And whatever swear word came out of Melissa’s mouth when they drove up is the same one that’s written on Kira’s vanity plates, because Lifetime blurred them both out at the same time.  No lie.

Honk if you Bleep.

The Dealio:  Kalani loved the team and wanted to finish up the season with her Dance Family.  Kira didn’t want to be there, but had flown back and forth and back again from AZ in the hopes that Abby would accept her daughter back into the fold and forget about the whole silly thing.

Side note:  How mad do you have to get that your entire shirt pops off in public, anyway?

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Better the back hallway of a hotel than in the middle of a mall food court, I guess.

I’m officially done with this photo for the week.  You can open your eyes now.

Naturally, Abby wouldn’t let Kalani back into the group routine since it was already a work in progress.  True, she can re-block a number four minutes before they go on stage every time she forgets a costume at home…but, still…it wasn’t gonna happen this time.

Especially since Abby felt that Kira wanted everyone to take it up the a** for some reason that escapes me right now.

Side note:  How about when Abby yelled at Kendall and told her that she was dancing like Mackenzie and then Mackenzie got all like Hello?I’mRightHereInTheRoom.

Hilarious.  Nationals is really getting everyone on edge.

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Back over at whatever the Candy Apples are called now, all of Jeanette’s guests arrived to make everyone cry.  Especially Liza, who cried like she was on a soap opera…

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…as Jay (…who used to be Janet…) told his story of self-awareness and transitioning from female to male after years of not feeling comfortable in his own skin.

I really liked Jay.  He reminded me of the Genius Bar guy at my local Apple Store who swapped out my iPhone 6 with no questions when the battery wouldn’t hold a charge.

Jay was super-smiley and so happy now that you couldn’t help but get a little fuzzy.  And any one who talks shizz about my boy Jay and his life choices is no longer allowed to read this blog.  So there’s that, too.  Choose carefully, because you don’t get a do-over.

Live your life, dude.

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Jeanette introduced her team to Jay, singer Jason and song writer Morten, whose funky black and yellow shirt looked like a Crate & Barrel pillow.  They all spoke and explained how important the story was and how it was all going to go down on stage at the competition.  Honestly, everyone smiled so much it freaked me out.  Not as much as Jay’s old breasts used to freak him out, I’m sure.  But close.

By the time we returned to 3rd Street, Abby was quizzing Kalani about her religious choices like she was the Pope or something.  Not dancing in the group routine was now considered penance for walking out on everyone last week.  Go say three Hail Marys and slap your mother for me.  Amen.

Finally, it was Showtime!  Hallelujah.

Outside the auditorium, the ALDC came face to face with the CADC/BDA in an odd moment that looked exactly the way I always imagined a PTA meeting on a Gay Pride float would look.  Jeanette and Jessalynn wore dueling Jackie O glasses (…Mama Siwa for the Win because hers were BeDazzled…) while the other Moms sniffed each other out like meerkats.

Bonus Points for Liza holding one of the little rainbow flags they stick in Greenwich Village cupcakes.  She might be my new favorite funny person in the event that Jessalynn can no longer fulfill her duties.

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Side note:  How about the two guys in suits and earpieces walking between the teams like somebody was going to pull a gun at an Escondido dancing competition?  You see them?

I need to know right now who the big bald one was.  He wasn’t taking crap from anybody.

In the makeup room, Jill contoured Kendall K’s face so hard I thought the extra ‘K‘ might have been for ‘Kardashian,’ while JoJo modeled her Miley Cyrus outfit for the crowd.  The sparkly costume itself was pretty snazzy, but somebody clearly cheaped out and bought her one of those Carol Brady wigs you always see advertised in the back of Ok! Magazine.  Not cool.

And then Abby gave one last pep talk to the soloists about how this could make or break their chances for Nationals.

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Rachelle “Sas” Rak Sighting:  Yaaaas!  There she was at the table, right next to some judge wearing a Forest Ranger hat.  I’m not sure if my girl was just keeping it low-key this time or if they kept showing the same shot of her over and over the entire evening.

But she never moved once.

#BiteTheApple.

jdJoJo was first up and she legit hit the stage like a Wrecking Ball.  At first she was all like…

maxresdefaultBut then ended up more like…

rudolph-yukoncornelius-9…when she completely forgot all her choreography.

Kendall, on the other hand, remembered hers.  Clearly my MomCrush was off a week or so when she declared that previous week as National Kendall Week, because KK was on fiyah this time around.  Wear Em Out, girl!

Side note:  After all the controversy (…and exposed undergarments…) surrounding Embracegate, it was certainly a nice surprise to see Abby actually hug it out with JoJo following her less than stellar performance.  Maybe Bumbles really can bounce and come back with a softer side.  Guess we’ll just have to wait and see, Cornelius.

527:  The number of hair bows that JoJo owns.  Officially announced right here during one of those Dance Moms Slumber Party thingamabobs where all the girls talk at once and write on dry erase boards.  527.

And then the groups performed.  And NAILED it.  Both of them.

It was clearly a tough decision, but in the end the ALDC came in on top and beat the CADC/BDA.  One.  Two.

But Jay’s story was more important to Jeanette than the actual win this time.  And I have to agree.  I don’t have to agree when people have bikini bathing suit tan lines and then wear a strapless dress to a dance competition, but her team’s moving performance on stage made up for Jeanette’s whackadoodle lack of sunscreen.

And then it was over.

The ALDC was back on top.

Kira and Kalani were sticking around.  For now, anyway.

These two were getting ready for a solo showdown.

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And Abby’s hair inexplicably did this right as the credits started to roll.

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One week closer to Nationals, people.

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