Posts Tagged ‘Christi Lukasiak’

Dance Moms: Fix Your Feet And Cover Your Ears. It’s Nothing But Trash Talk And Decisions…!@#$%* Decisions.

Wednesday, March 26th, 2014

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Yo. Hold up. What’d that little bitch in the beanie just call me?

 

 

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Between you and me, I think they’re all !@#$%* stupid for showing up every week to get their a** whooped.

 

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Really don’t like that language. Especially when I just spent three !@#$%* hours flat ironing my hair and nobody noticed.

 

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Swearing like that just shows everyone you have no class. Hit ’em with your purse and be a lady.

 

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Cuz I mean…c’mon. Are you looking at this hair? That’s right I got it going on today, bitches.

 

 

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Ok. Fine. It’s gone. Now can we all stop talking about it and watch my damn kid do her spins?

 

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What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? Srsly.

 

 

 

 

Lawd.  I swear.

Well, not really.  Not a lot, anyway.

Maybe once in awhile I might cuss someone out.  Every now and then when they get in my face.  Or maybe every time I have to deal with the boobs in Comcast’s customer service department.  Then I definitely swear.  A lot.

But otherwise, I don’t swear that much.

At least not as much as some of these Dance Moms.

I swear…a few of these ladies could probably back an 18 wheeler up through the ALDC parking lot and never hit one pothole.

And speaking of.  It was potty mouths and pretty feet this week as Abby Lee Miller set out to make it an even dozen in the Win category.

You know the song by now.

Two Four Six Eight.  Nine uncork the wine.  Ten let’s drink again.

I forget what Eleven was.

But Twelve?  That would be sumthin sumthin beyond Santa’s Elve, I imagine.  So there was already pressure building as everyone scooted in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Kalani was back in the lineup.  And most of Mom Kira was back, too, if you know what I mean.  Because I know you do.

Yup.  The MoleGate scandal is officially over now, people.  Keep it moving.  Nothing to see here.  Not anymore anyway.

Super tall Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie were also still in the building, which had to be some kind of a record for the two of them, given their history.kh

Spoiler Alert:  If she was smart, Leslie kept the motor running in the getaway car this week, so it would be all warm and ready to go.  Just in case.

Before the Big Reveal, Abby made it official.  Kalani did not have to return her ALDC track jacket because she was now a permanent member of the Team.  She was the new Brooke and Paige.  Which meant that Kira was the new Kelly.

Which meant that Payton was still nothing and that Leslie could blow her first nutty of the episode.  Which she did.  And quite well, I might add.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was packed full of Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Chloe.  Kendall got called out for going through the motions at last week’s competition.  Chloe had lost out to Mackenzie, who had basically just worn one of Maddie‘s old HandMeDown costumes and danced one of Maddie’s old HandMeDown MaddieFace dances.

Abby had expected much more from Nia, given her past drag queen experience.  Which was something that I never thought I would hear spoken to a 12 year old girl from Pennsylvania, so Holly and I both made the same LaquifaWhatFace at the same time because we didn’t know what else to do.

The middle of the pile was home to Mackenzie, Maddie and Payton.  Kudos to Leslie’s kid for looking like a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl with Groucho Marx eyebrows.

And the top?  Aren’t we out of dancers already?

Psych.  It was Kelly Hyland and her Charlie Brown sweater, captured in extreme fuzzy closeup on that fateful afternoon when she smacked Abby’s face and ended up on TMZ.

Nothing like slamming a Mom hard when you know that she’s legally prevented from responding on Twitter, I always say.  Boom.  Take that.

This week the gang was headed to another World Class Talent Experience in Cow Country Canton, Ohio.  Which is still home to more beef jerky than you could ever eat in a lifetime and the Evil Dance Lair known as the Candy Apples.

So, yeah.  It’s on again.  And this time it’s on Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s home turf.

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The group routine was going to be a snowy white Frost kind of theme, which I think meant that nobody wanted to pay the rights to use any of songs from Disney’s Frozen.  Abby was still in the HandMeDown Zone, so she wanted to reuse some old fuzzy white costumes that the Moms had taken home after the first go-round.  Why they did that when there’s a whole cluttered fire trap of a costume room somewhere in the belly of the ALDC where the Moms always end up when they want to snark on each other…I dunno.

But for whatever reason, Abby had let those off the property and now she wanted them all back.  Which meant that someone had to either break into the Hyland home while they were out filming youtube videos or the Moms had to draw straws and call Kelly for the costumes.

Yeah.  Good luck with that.

Kalani and Payton both scored solos.  And then everyone got to rehearsing.

Up in Ohio, Cathy and her crew were also hard at work preparing for the competition.

Nick Daniels had returned and both his freakishly long legs and frosted tips were all pointing straight up in the air the entire time he was on camera.  I swear his dancing is actually done by the same George Lucas CGI people who did Star Wars, because there’s no way somebody can really do that in real life with their junk.  And I’ve tried.

Those tiny Morales Salsa kids were also spinning around, as were Lady Killer Lucas Triana and Zack Attack Torres.  Everyone was already starting to stress out as Cathy reworked her own HandMeDown routine for the group number, which probably explains why Zack and Nick were being total pissy bitches to each other.

Dial it down, girls.

With only two days to go, the ALDC girls were going in a million different directions, which would explain why nobody seemed to notice that random guy in a baseball hat follow the Moms through the parking lot right up into the building.  That was kind of creepy and not explained at all, so I don’t know what was going on.  But stalkers and murderers don’t usually carry their drinks in with them, so it was probably nothing.

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At the front desk there was more drama about the missing Frost dresses.  With 48 hours to go, Kalani and Payton were still going on stage naked unless someone came up with a plan.

Melissa thought that she could somehow telepathically will an old dress to transform itself into a new sparklier version, since in real life the woman can’t even plug in an iron.  Not waiting around for that miracle, Leslie left voicemail #79 for Kelly demanding the dresses back, which you know Kelly listened to while laying in her housedress watching Ellen.

God Bless caller ID.

Christi dropped about 20 F-Bombs and Holly wore the same big coat and head wrap that Carol Burnett wore when she did that 1920’s skit with Tim Conway.  I’m really starting to think that Dr. Beyoncé has poor Evan and William back in their old bunk beds now just so she can straight up hog that second bedroom for a walk-in closet.

Dang, girl.

Back in Ohio, all the Moms were making fun of Jill‘s 1-900 voice and watching Zack run around with one sock on his left foot.  It must be an Ohio gang thing or something, because little Gavin was doing the same thing.

I keep forgetting how ‘hood they are up in Canton.

Even when they have the sniffles.  Which Nick totally did.  Watch his nose.

While everyone checked the dryer for missing socks, things were chugging along back at the ALDC.  My MomCrush Jill was wearing one of her signature furry vests over some Wilma Flintstone couture top and Leslie was still on a rampage about something.  Kira was just rolling with the punches as Kelly kept checking caller ID.

With only one day left, nobody was in a good mood.  Nobody.

Remember those sassy pants that Holly was wearing last week?  Well, she bought them in black, too.  Girlfriend wasn’t having it anymore when Leslie started going on again about poor Payton, and she put a stop to the madness with one slam of the brakes.

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Shut.  It.  Down.

She even called it a Poor Payton Pity Party.  MmmHmmm?  Girl, bye.

You just get back up in your top bunk and be quiet.  Mommy’s having a day.

Then it was back to the white dress drama.  Melissa hadn’t learned how to sew overnight, but she did figure that she could probably get the cap off some Woolite and bleach out a few of the old costumes that everyone had brought into the studio.  All the Moms shlepped in with armloads of anything white that they could find at home and were determined to MacGyver something together with fur scraps, tin foil and paper clips.

Because the Show Must Go On.

Even without Payton, who…thanks once again to Leslie mouthing off…was kicked out of the group number before the bus even left for Ohio.  At least she still had her solo, right?

Finally, it was Showtime!

And some of the tackiest random makeup room fabric swagging I’ve ever seen.

Did you see that?  WTF was that all over the walls?  (Yes…it deserved more than one swear word.)  Was it covering up some kind of top secret information that should never be seen on broadcast television?  Or did somebody really think they had just created the newest trend in home decorating?  Really?

It was like when you were in college and hung marijuana tapestries and that flag from Dukes of Hazzard all over your walls.

If you went to Liberace University, that is.

Sidenote:  Can you even imagine the syllabus if that was a real college?  Fabulous 101.

Leslie had one of those last minute Toddlers & Tiaras Moments when you find out that your kid’s cupcake dress doesn’t fit right as they’re calling her name to the stage.  Who does that?  And why do they keep doing it?

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Payton’s costume didn’t fit and they didn’t bring another one.  It escalated quickly and before you knew it Leslie dropped an F-Bomb that would make even Christi blush right before the whole world found out that Payton already needs an upgrade to a larger size.

Buh Bye, Leslie.  Thanks for playing.  The new rules clearly state that any Mom who drops the F-Bomb gets kicked out.

There’s also probably something in there about not wearing a blouse that’s going to gap and pop open so wide that we can see your bra if you’re planning on losing your mind.

Because that totally happened and now I’m not sure I can forgive you.  Ever.

So go.  You can wait in the bus.

And if it gets cold, maybe you could borrow the Candy Apples track jacket that Cathy gave to the judge as a bribe.  Because that also totally happened and I’m willing to bet he wears it proudly every Thursday when he goes bowling.

If Liberace University has a Faculty Bowling League, that is.

Nick’s solo was all legs and Slinky arms.  No shirt, though.  That must be another Skinny Boy Dancer Gang thang, yo.

Kalani rocked her Asia Monet Ray bun and showed that she could handle the pressure on her first ALDC solo.  Bring it.

Backstage in the CADC makeup room, the kids were all checking their iPhones and discussing some of the Anti-Abby #Hashtag names they had seen on posters when things got way outta control.

Waaaay.

Lucas and his red beanie (…allegedly…) called Gavin !@#$%* Stupid (…that’s even how they subtitled it, missing one letter if you want to get overly technical…) when he tried to join the conversation.  Gavin’s Mom Joanne flipped a switch.  Lucas denied swearing even though his mouth moved and whatever he was doing with his tongue was deemed gross enough to need pixelation by the Lifetime people.

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Joanne screamed.  Gavin cried.  Brigette refused to let go of her new Revlon lipstick, but still managed to hurl herself into the heat of the battle like a Mama Bear.

Then Lucas cried.  Like they do on soap operas when they go from 0 to 60 in a split second.  Mom got protective but still refused to put down that lipstick.  It’s like it was the source of all her superpowers or something.

Joanne yanked both kids out the door, quit the CADC and then got talked back into staying by Cathy.  Brigette applied a second coat of Super Lustrous Cherry Blossom and my boy Lucas had some ‘splaining to do when this episode aired in his house.

I believe the whole thing only lasted about 30 seconds, but I’m still traumatized.

Eventually, the Candy Apples managed to zip their potty mouths long enough to hit the stage for the group dance, which was a-mazing.  Legs and mo’ legs.  And some crazy a** spins that totally deserved a swear word.  Nick (…of course…) ended the number with the Mother of All One Leg In The Air Lifts and now I can no longer go upstairs without having flashbacks.   I don’t care what anyone says.  That has got to hurt.

And then finally, it was time for the ALDC group routine.

The hometown crowd was making so much noise that the girls couldn’t hear the music and missed the first turn bop a loo bop.  Maddie freaked out because it wasn’t perfect.  Kalanie gave her second dose of Asia Monet Ray Realness and was all like If You Can’t Make It Fake It.  We were fabulous, mmmkay?  Snap Snap.  And then she walked off like she was leaving the Wendy Williams Show.

We like her.  She’s almost sassy.

Then they did some awards.  Google it if you’re really that into the scores.  You’re really on the wrong website if that’s your thing.

All that really mattered was the ALDC made it Twelve on the Shelve(s) and won First Place.  Guess that means it’s time to come up with something that rhymes with Thirteen.

Gah.  I swear this show is a lot of work sometimes.

What do you think, Lucas?

How’d you like the recap?

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Dance Moms: You Better Werk. It’s A Drag Queen Extravaganza During The Sister Showdown. Maddie Face x 2.

Wednesday, March 19th, 2014

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Srsly. How ’bout you just get your hands outta my weave and sit yourself down. Laquifa got this.

 

 

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Drag Queen? I thought they said Dry Clean. I’m just gonna stay cute a little bit longer.

 

 

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Wait. What? Why is that camera all up in my face every time they talk about Drag Queen potential?

 

 

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I didn’t think of Maddie even one time while that girl who’s not Maddie was dancing.

 

 

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MmmHmm, Gurlz. This is how you give Vertes Realness. Don’t be jealous of my MomDance.

 

 

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Hashtag: YouWish

 

 

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Shut. Up. Duct tape? I thought wrapping my ankle was tough.

 

 

 

Cover Girl.

Put the bass in your walk.

Sickle Toe.

Make your whole body talk.

Walk.  Now walk.

Oh, Honey.  Let me tell you.  They were sashaying down the Dance Moms Runway this week.   Every one of them.  Snapping and werking those fierce mail order wigs and questionable makeup choices like they were lip syncing for their ALDC lives.

Which is closer to the truth than you might think.  Because everyone is replaceable, you know.  Even during Drag Queen Week.

Fresh off 10 wins in 10 weeks, Abby Lee Miller and Co. were looking to make it 11 straight.  Or not-so-straight, if you want to get the first RuPaul joke out of the way before we get to the Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone scooted in for this week’s leader board, tiny Fallon and her Mom Cheryl were noticeably MIA from the lineup.  I’m not really sure if Fallon was cut after only one episode or had simply forgotten how to get into the studio through the front doors.

Because she literally forgot everything else last week.  Am I right?

Ouch.  Too soon?

In their place was not-quite-as-tiny Payton and everyone’s favorite Walmart Mom Leslie.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaaack!

Payton seemed to have recovered nicely from being attacked by that folding chair a few weeks ago.  Her ankle was no longer in a boot and Mom didn’t have to carry her in on her back this time.  So it looked like she had healed right up and was ready to go.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was home to Mackenzie, NiaPayton and Holly‘s first HollyFace of the week.  (Spoiler Alert: If you’re pressed for time and want to fast forward your DVR to the good stuff, the face that Dr. Beyoncé unleashes on the bus is this week’s clear winner.  And you’re welcome for this new screensaver.)

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Mackenzie was stuck on the bottom because she hadn’t gone to the most recent competition.  Nia, on the other hand, had gone but given too much Face in the group routine.  After a short discussion it turned out that she had actually given just the right amount of Face.  But the wrong Face.  So clearly, you need to make sure you pick the right one going forward.

Payton finished up the trifecta thanks in part to all the drama during her last competition with the ALDC (…pre-Attack of the Chair…) when she had cried like a little Goo Goo Baby after Leslie accidentally gave her a Boo Boo Kitty while clipping in a cheer bow.

That girl needs to stop acting like a baby.   I mean, like right now.

And I know from experience that the first thing I always do when someone tells me to stop acting like a baby is to start acting like a baby and run out the room in tears.

Because that’s what Payton did.  And it worked about as well for her as it works for me.

Mom ran out after her.  Then Abby walked out after Mom, because Abby doesn’t run unless the building is on fire.

A few minutes of hysteria and ugly crying later, everyone came back in to finish up the Pyramid.  It’s only a one hour show, people, so let’s keep it moving.  Chop chop.

Middle row went to Chloe and Maddie.  Something about how one of them is home schooled and one isn’t.  And I’m not judging.  I’m just saying that if you go to public school you get fish sticks.  I think the correct choice in that debate is pretty clear if you really weigh the tasty pros and cons.

Top of the Pyramid went to Kendall, which made Jill happy.  Which in turn made me happy because Jill is still my MomCrush.  Especially when she dresses up in crazy vests and throws stuff at people’s heads.

This week the gang was headed to a brand new competition.  The World Class Talent Experience in Rockville, MD.

Chloe, Maddie and Mackenzie all scored solos.  Ziegler vs. Ziegler in the first ever Monster Truck Pull Showdown Throw down.  With poor Lukasiak now fighting for her spot in the shadow of not one…but two…Maddies.

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Abby’s not-so-secret goal has always been to create an army of Maddies to overtake the dance world.  We all know that.  And what better place to start than with someone who already shares her Number One girl’s DNA and orthodontic issues?

For the competition this week, Mackenzie was going to be performing one of Maddie’s classic routines.  In one of Maddie’s old costumes.  Probably with Maddie’s old head if Abby could figure out a way to swap it out with the one that was already growing on Mackenzie’s shoulders before the weekend.  Not gonna lie.  It’s getting creepy up in here.

The group routine was going to be based on the hit Broadway Musical Kinky Boots.

Say Wha–?  Did you just say Drag Queen Realness?

Everyone squealed in joy.  Nia got so excited that she collapsed into a Death Drop complete with two snaps in a Z formation on the way down.

Laquifa is back, bitches.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls all got to werking it like they were girls pretending to be boys dressed up as girls all werking it at a club on Fire Island.

(I didn’t even understand that sentence and I wrote it.  Don’t worry about it.)

Upstairs, Leslie somehow managed to pick up the conversation exactly where she had left off a month ago.  She’s good like that, I guess, because she started right back in on Christi and Abby like she had just seen them last night.  Same yelling.  Different outfit.

More importantly, though, Dr. Beyoncé had a gigantic new water bottle.  Which meant that she was either training for the Pittsburgh Marathon or had made a conscious decision to cut down on some of that caffeine.  Nice to see that she’s finally getting that Starbucks monkey off her back.  I don’t know how any of those Moms sleep at night with all the Cup o’ Joes they suck down up in that Perch.

Rehearsals chugged along like they always do with one day to go.  I think Gianna had a cold or something.  She kept coughing and her eyes looked like mine do when the pollen count gets too high.

Side note: Abby’s hair was completely whacked out at one point.  Completely.  Like she had just run through a lawn sprinkler before coming inside.  Except that I know this was filmed in the winter, so I have no explanation for what was happening other than maybe she was just trying to channel Beyoncé in that new video.  So we’re clear, I should probably point out that straddling a chair backwards in a wet body suit is a little different than sitting on a pile of gymnastic crash pads wearing sensible shoes.

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Just something to ponder next time you’re Drunk In Love with some time to kill.

Cue the Drag Queens, please.  And bring back my gurlzzzz.

Werk!  Next thing you knew, the door to Studio A flew open and in sashayed Miss Lola and Blade, two of the fiercest Queens that Pittsburgh could afford to put in public transportation and send to the ALDC.

Miss Lola was all side swept hair and smokey eyes, clearly sent from the Heavens to show the girls how it’s supposed to be done.  Blade was all ombre curls and 9 feet tall in heels, clearly sent from the Heavens to look at herself in the studio mirrors while Miss Lola did all the heavy lifting.

The Moms literally scrambled over each other in a pig pile to get downstairs.

Side note#2:  Miss Lola commented that she definitely saw some Drag Queens in the making right before the cameras zoomed in on Jill’s face.  That wasn’t awkward at all.

Lining everyone up on one side of the studio like she was picking teams for an impromptu game of Dodge (Your) Ball, Miss Lola attempted to show all the Moms and kiddos how to werk that runway like a Super Model.

Umm.  Yeah.  Nia nailed it like it was her day job.  Been there.  Done that.  The rest of the girls kinda sorta figured it out, even though I saw most of them do the same dance at the Teen Choice Awards last year.

Dr. Beyoncé had it going on and looked like she might have been a hoot back in the days when she chaperoned all those school cafetorium dances.  Leslie even managed to turn flagging a cab outside of Sam’s Club into her own version of Buying In Bulk Fierceness.

But Melissa?  And Christi?  And Jill?  Oh my.

They might want to check out RuPaul’s youtube channel for a refresher.  Asap.

Remember when Dorothy, The Scarecrow and The Tin Man all linked arms and criss crossed their legs down the yellow brick road?  Or the psychedelicly groovy opening credits from The Monkees 1960’s television show?

Yeah.  That totally happened.  For a long time.  And they need to promise to never do that again or I swear I’ll book a flight to Pittsburgh and give all three of them a soap opera slap.

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Miss Lola also hooched up Payton so we could see what she would look like as a Drag Queen with a bad perm.  I don’t remember asking, but maybe somebody else did.

Once the Queens sashayed away, it was back to cloning some more Maddies and finishing up rehearsals before hitting the road.  We learned more about The MaddieFace vs. The MackenzieFace, as well as how much effort goes into making a boy look like a girl.  Too much work, if you ask me.  Or Mackenzie.

Then finally, it was Showtime!

And one more chance to pound #MaddieFace into Mackenzie’s brain.  Because I guess people actually search that hashtag on Twitter.  Probably not as often as they searched for #BobCostasPinkEye, but you know.  A Face is a Face, right?

Maddie’s solo was a tap routine this week, which unfortunately gave me a flashback to the heavy walkers who used to live above me in my old apartment and negatively effected her scoring in my head.  Nothing personal, but you try sleeping while a family of fourteen are doing shuffle step spank digs on a school night.

Mackenzie’s Tribute To Maddie routine was going well until somebody in the production booth decided to go Picture-In-Picture and slap the original version down in the corner so we could compare sister against sister like it was the Superbowl or something.  I don’t know whose face Mackenzie was using by the end, but she seemed to have nailed it for her first Showdown.

Melissa even cried and stated that for a full 2 minutes she didn’t even think of Maddie one time.  I knew I should have put the World Record people at Guinness on speed dial.

Side note#3:  That skinny judge in the loud shirt with the buzz cut and sweaty forehead certainly caught me off guard.  That’s all.

Side note #4:  Were they doing makeup in the hallway or in a room or what was going on there?  It was the oddest set up, complete with an ALDC banner and sheets hung everywhere like when your babysitter helps you make a fort at a trade show.

Laquifa sez What The–?

And speaking of.  Sasha Nia had it going on with her Drag ‘do.  Nice to see that Abby finally tossed the ’70’s sitcom afro for good.  It was so fierce that Mom couldn’t stop patting it the whole time they were getting dressed.

Step away from the weave and nobody gets hurt, ma’am.

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As for the rest of the girls, I’m not sure the other Moms actually read the email.  Maddie looked like George Washington.  Kendall looked like Kendall with new hair.  Mackenzie looked like her lace front was going to knock her off the stage.  Chloe looked like her Mom in one of those Dolly Parton wigs from the back of a magazine.

And Payton just scared the Beliebers outta me.

Did I forget to mention that most of the girls were wearing shiny silver Go Go boots all week?  Like Lost In Space meets Laugh-In Go Go boots.

(Google it kids.  You’re on your freakin’ phones all day.  Do something productive while you’re walking into people on the sidewalk.)

Not gonna lie.  Knowing the ALDC’s history with head gear mishaps, I was feeling a little anxious before they hit the spotlight.  The dance had the potential to either be amazing or end up looking like the hair aisle in CVS where everyone is always screaming at each other over the last box of pink rollers.

Hold my purse and my weave, gurl.  This shiz ’bout to get real.

But everything stayed where it was supposed to stay.  It was laid, as they say.  Mackenzie managed one of her signature hand stand walk arounds with out losing any tracks, even busting out a baby twerk when she landed back on her feet.  Booty Booty e’rrywhere.

She’s still a patootie.  Don’t you grow up too fast now, you hear?

When it was all over, the crowd had no idea what just happened.  Everyone just kept looking at each other like they couldn’t decide whether to applaud or leave now and go directly to church.

Chloe pulled Third Place.  Mackenzie and her original face pulled Second.  And then #YoullNeverBeMeSoDontEvenTry pulled First Place.  Again.

Even the group routine placed First, so I guess Maryland knows a good Crab and a good Queen when they crack one open.

And then Leslie and Melissa suddenly started screaming at each other out back for some reason.  Pretty much right out of the blue.  Because someone has to fight every week.

It’s in the rules, remember?

And this week it was Melissa’s turn to werk it.  And to walk it.

Right out the damn door, Miss Thang.

Slam.  Now slam.n1

Dance Moms: Holy Toledo, Batman! It’s Another Chance To Blame It All On Ohio…Or Maybe Just That New Girl.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

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Just saying I’m into stocky guys and dudes with funny hats. Think we can make this happen?

 

 

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Lawd have mercy. I’m gonna have to write a whole other book just to get that outta my head.

 

 

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I don’t recall that Dr. Beyoncé lady’s hair looking like that last year on the Zenith. Do you, Bernice?

 

 

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It’s called a smokey eye. Doesn’t anyone read Cosmopolitan Magazine anymore?

 

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Haters gonna hate. But sometimes it’s just good to be Jill. It’s ok to be jealz.

 

 

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Srsly. What the hell? A haunted house? I never had to put up with all this s*** in Miami, bitches.

 

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OhMyGod! We took the wrong dog home from the nursing home last night!

 

 

 

Finally.

Mystery solved.

I think I finally figured out what’s on that sheet of paper that Melissa is always holding during competitions.  When she isn’t texting, I mean.

She must be keeping track of all the new faces that come and go through the revolving door of the ALDC.  That has to be what she’s doing.  Because without some kind of spreadsheet I don’t think that even Abby Lee Miller could remember who gets to keep their logo tank tops for another week and who has to wash and return them before hitting the road.  Don’t cut the tags off just yet, kids.

Dance Moms was back this week with yet another stray child attempting to score a permanent locker and snappy track jacket of their own.  And the pressure was building.

Because Eight is great.  And Nine is fine.  But then again…there’s Ten.

I don’t know if they were referring to winning streaks or newbie dancers, but everyone kept rhyming stuff for the full hour like it was Seussical the Musical.

Good Golly, Miss Molly.  Buy that book by Dr. Holly.

This week started out in the lobby again, with Abby and her trusty sidekick Gianna chilling and gossiping and doing everything they could possibly think of to avoid having to organize that hot mess of a front desk.

Four seasons later, I’m beginning to realize that parking lot potholes and front desk clutter are two things I’m going to have to come to terms with or I’ll drive myself crazy.

Abby let Gia know that yet another spunky new kid would be joining them this week for a test run.  Fallon and her Mom Cheryl from the Orlando Open Call Auditions.

And in they came.  All polite and sparkly and excited to be in Pittsburgh.

Sidenote:  Do these little tykes all wear glitter eyeliner to school, too?  Or do they put in on the car on the way to rehearsals?  I’m never really sure if it’s 7am or 7pm when everyone shows up at the studio, so I’m just throwing that one out there.

And then it was time for the Pyramid of Shame.  And to introduce Fallon to the Team.

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Did you see Nia‘s little half-wave?  Amazing.  I couldn’t tell if Sasha couldn’t be bothered putting the effort into a full-on ‘Howdy’ since it was already pretty clear that Fallon would be gone by next week, or if she just didn’t dare fall out of military formation.  You know how the General can be during inspection.

But it’s also the International Year of the Nia, so she’s got a lot on her plate right now.

Regardless, it was fabulous.  Hi.  Yeah.  Whatev.

Kalani was MIA.  Which I didn’t understand, since she still shows up on some of the kid’s Instagrams.  Which totally just sounded like I creep young girl’s Instagram accounts.

Which I don’t do.  Because it’s called Research, thank you very much.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, Chloe and Nia.  Kendall had pulled a measly Ninth Place last week, so she’s lucky Abby didn’t add a 4th row to the Pyramid just for her.  Chloe had done the same turn for ten minutes in the Improv Dance-Off part of the competition, while Nia only did half a turn before she got cut, so I didn’t have high hopes for my girls this week.  There’s always next time, little buckeroos.

The middle row was tag teamed by Fallon and Mackenzie‘s pouty Kardashian face.  I forget why Fallon made it that high up in her first 4 minutes with the ALDC because Melissa started doing that hyper-fast stress blinking that she always does when she’s about to lose her nutty on someone and it really distracted me for a second.

Mackenzie was given props for having that crazy seizure on stage and giving Face, Face and More Face.  I totally called that one last week, by the way.

And then Maddie was on top.  She’ll probably be on top next week, too, if you have somewhere to be at 9pm.

Special shout out to Holly and her new sweater ensemble.  And her sassy pants.

Because she definitely had her sassy pants on this week.  Oh, snap.

Seriously.  When Abby first revealed Fallon taped above Nia on the Pyramid and Holly put her hands on her hips and got all OhHellNo, she kind of looked like Clair Huxtable pretending to be Wonder Woman standing on a rock overlooking Paradise Island wondering why all her kids are late for dinner again when she clearly stated 6pm.

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Did that even make any sense?

And to my other MomCrush Jill, who seems to have finally gotten her hair under control and when she dials down some of the fur accessories is looking pretty damn fly.  Did you see her in that red dress at the competition?  Dang, girl.  Werk those Spanx.  Hubba.

We.  Love.  Jill.  Dot-Com.

This week the gang was headed to another In10sity Dance Competition in Toledo, Ohio.

Yeah.  That Ohio.

Candy Apples turf.  And you know how Abby gets when Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein shows up on the playground.

Kendall and Fallon scored solos.  The group routine was called Red With Envy.  Cheryl is a hard 40+ years old.  And her boobs are real.

Because Christi asked.  So there you go.

While all the Moms were in the MomPerch looking at Cheryl’s chest, Chaos Cathy and her team were up in Ohio working out their own kinks.

Bad A** choreographer Blake McGrath was gone.  Off getting another skull tattoo or something.  And in his place was some hottie from Los Angeles named Erin, who you could tell was making the two male dancers act a little dorky.

Especially Zack Attack Torres, who had somehow inexplicably grown at least 2 feet taller since the last time we saw him and was a Real Boy now.  Holy Growth Spurt, Pinocchio.

But let’s be honest.  All that really mattered was Cathy’s smokey eye.

I know, right?  What was that all about?  It was a little less like a Jersey nail tech and whole lot more like some shaky priest had completely missed her forehead on Ash Wednesday.  I had to walk away for a minute just to wash my face.

The only thing that could really top that was a trip to an assisted living center.

It was time to go visit Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorraine Miller and put on a quick improv show for the residents of The Sterling House.  And for Abby to yell at some old people.

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The serious part:  We miss Maryen, who passed away in February.  She proved that she was sharp as a tack right to the end, sitting there all coiffed and hair bowed, and it was clear how much all the girls loved her as they stampeded in with glitter cards and warm fuzzy hugs.  Her contribution to the world of dance can’t be ignored and she will live on forever in the hearts of young dancers everywhere.

The not quite so serious part:  There was a dead dog on the bed.

Shut.  Up.  Broadway Baby was back.  Stuffed and just chilling out on the blanket like nothing had happened.  It was so wrong on so many levels that it almost seemed right.

It was also nice to see that no matter how old you get, you still don’t have to listen to your Mother as Abby tossed Mackenzie’s live dog (…butt first, of course…) right in Maryen’s face before scooping him up again and dumping the tiny pup right on top of Broadway Baby despite Maryen begging her not to tread on sacred territory.

Luckily the little dog caught the scent of cellophane wrapped Grandma Candy and scooted across the bed before he soiled the Broadway Baby shrine in any way.  Because I know what you expected him to do.  And it probably would have been hilarious.

The girls then did a quick Improv Dance-Off, complete with a grand finale Nia Frazier Death Drop.  Which seemed like an odd message to send to residents of an assisted living center, but I’m not here to judge.

As the competition drew closer, the ALDC rehearsals grew more stressful but remained fairly uneventful.  Fallon had trouble remembering which foot was the Right one and Kendall learned that if she didn’t place in the Top Five this week it wouldn’t be pretty.

And speaking of pretty, thanks to Christi we also learned that Jill likes to keep herself ‘fresh,’ which I believe is MomCode for Restylane fillers.

Remember that time when Jill wrapped her belly in saran wrap?  The man on QVC says that shrink wrapping all your squishy stuff will definitely extend its shelf life.

The More You Know, kids.  Just keeping it Real.  And keeping it Fresh.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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At the Collingwood Arts Center.  Which I think was supposed to be spelled ‘Collinwood.’ 

Like the mansion in Dark Shadows.  Where Barnabas Collins lived.  Who was a vampire.  Wait.  What?

Can someone explain what this place was all about?  Because I have no clue.  It was almost as if the In10sity guys forgot to put down a deposit and ended up having to run the show out of someone’s house.  There were secret hallways.  A million doors.  Everyone was bumping into each other trying to get to the bathroom.

Did you see the actual performances?  The stage looked like someone had just pushed the couches out of the way and made the kids all dance under emergency generator lighting.  And I’m not even exaggerating for once.

There was even a hand coming out of the wall trying to grab Brigette Triana‘s head.

On the bus ride over, Cheryl had casually mentioned that she didn’t actually bring anything for Fallon to wear during her solo.  Holly made some of her best HollyFaces yet while Melissa proved that she had clearly mastered the art of being snarky without even looking up from an iPhone.  Meow, girls.  Me.  Ow.

So that meant that Abby had to go to Macy’s and buy an armload of dresses in a last minute panic.  Good thing they have a One Day Sale every weekend.

And then it was really, finally, Showtime!

Chaos Cathy sent out a tiny shirtless boy for her solo contribution.  She basically broke up the Gavin/Mackenzie Morales salsa set and made the brother do all the heavy lifting this week.  He could use a few bicep curls, but otherwise he did great.

Kendall rocked her solo, while newbie Fallon didn’t even know where she was.  That kid was lucky she even made it onto the stage before forgetting her entire routine.

Abby tried to coerce the two dudes in charge of the event to disqualify Fallon on the spot because she was such a mess, but they weren’t buying it.  Some nonsense about rules or something.

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Nice hat, by the way.

A couple of times during the event, Jill and Cathy went a few rounds, but it was pretty tame compared to previous water tossing, pocketbook swinging confrontations.  Cathy seems to have lost her will to live lately.  Especially when you’re trapped inside a venue where municipal fire codes only allow seven people in a room at one time.

And then she panicked.  Cathy cut the CADC group number right as the kids had one foot on the stage.  Because if you know you can’t win at something, it’s always better to just take all your toys and go home instead of striving to be the best you can be under less than perfect conditions.  Or at least I think that was the teaching moment.

Somehow, Fallon pulled a Third Place by simply wandering around stage for two minutes.

Sign me up for that gig.  I love trophies.

Kendall lost out to Gavin by 1/10th of a point as they pulled in Second and First Place respectively.  But still a major victory for girls who cry too easily and skinny boys everywhere.

The ALDC group routine brought in another First Place.  Boom.

Backstage, everyone was screaming and hugging and high-fiving each other like it was the Superbowl.  Except for Holly, who got left hanging with both hands up in the air and nobody to palm slap.  Anyone else notice that one?

Girlfriend.  Love you.  Mean it.  But you’re like 8 feet tall in heels.  What kid is gonna hit that target?  They’re dancers, not Globetrotters.  I did get up off the couch and give you ten so you didn’t feel left out, if that makes you feel any better.

Next time…low five on da side, yo.

And then Abby sent Fallon home without even a consolation prize.  Thanks for playing.

Cathy whined a little more and then grabbed the crosstown to get the heck outta there before Brigette freaked out.  Yet another loss for the Candy Apples.

Time for Lady Killer Lucas to bring his heart breaking skills to Pittsburgh, I think.  And bring Pinocchio with you.  He can stick his head out the sun roof.

And then it was over.  Ten if you’re counting.

Next week?  Drag Queens.

Now we’re talking.

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