Posts Tagged ‘Christi Lukasiak’

Dance Moms: It’s Solo Battle Round 1 As JoJo Goes Up Against Kendall K. Let’s Get Ready To ALDC Rumble!

Wednesday, July 22nd, 2015




Because I called the big googly glasses and frizzy hair today, that’s why. Now go home and change.















I swear to Gawd. If ONE man in that chorus is prettier than me, I’m quitting this show for good.
















I know, right? Check ’em out. Miley Cyrus socks. They even smell like her by the end of the day.






Girrrrl, pleez. Did she just say 527 hair bows for one little girl? That is srsly messed up.






If I can just knock this down and get to the door, I might stand a chance of getting out alive.




Let’s just get right to it, shall we?

It was Dance Moms: Lite as what was left of the ALDC all gathered in front of 3rd Street Dance to regroup after the dramatic exit of one of their own last week.

Kira and Kalani had (…once again…) jumped the Lukasiak/Hyland GetOuttaTown Bus and walked out on the team after a second throw down with Abby Lee Miller.  It was pretty dramatic, with lots of screaming and yelling and Alexa Moffett in a dress that the internet still hasn’t come to grips with seven days later.

They cried.  They quit.  And then they went home to Arizona, never to bee seen again.

Spoiler Alert:  Or not, maybe.

As the girls headed up to the penthouse rehearsal space 84 floors above street level, the few remaining Dance Moms…Moms…hung out on the sidewalk for a few more minutes to discuss their current situation.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Stripper Shoe Shout-Out:  It’s 5 o’clock somewhere, I guess.


Holly really didn’t know if Kalani would come back after that second fight, which was a good lead-in to a quick flashback of Kira trying to maneuver her roly-poly suitcase around 42 Louis Vuitton bags and whatever that mess was behind Melissa.

Seriously.  Five seasons later and not one Mom has yet been able to scream “I’m Done!” and exit the building with all four wheels and/or their dignity still intact.

SuperFan TakeOver Flashback:  Do you remember when Melissa tried to bolt down that hallway in Season One carrying every trophy she could snatch and ran over those two kids that still have to sleep with the lights on four years later?

I love this show.

But that second fight between Kira and Abby wasn’t the Big One, at least according to Jessalynn.  It was the first one, a few weeks back, that had really set them off on a path to destruction.  Which gave a good lead-in to yet another flashback.

And an opportunity for me to use this photo for the third week in a row.  Do enjoy.


Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Staaahp it with this woman.  HIGH-sterical.  AND you get to see Abby in her lacy Lane Bryant again?  Pretty much a Win/Win all around.

Side note:  Bonus Points to the Marketing Department for randomly placing that 3rd Street floor banner right out there in the middle of the sidewalk during filming.  I see what you did there.  You know you’re supposed to get city hall approval anytime you put something outside that blocks traffic and fire exits, right?  When that thing blows over in the wind and kills somebody, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  It’s public access, not a Trade Show booth.

Upstairs, the Pyramid of Shame had returned!

JoJo with the (..Spoiler Alert: 527…) Hair Bows and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia were on the Bottom.  I almost forgot how this thing worked.

Side note:  Feel free to pre-order Nia’s on-fleeka duet with Coco Jones right here.

Yaaaaaaas!  Slay, gurl.  Slay.

Mackenzie and Maddie held down the mezzanine level of the Pyramid.

Wait.  What?  Maddie?

Turns out that Abby wanted to knock her Golden Child down a peg and make the oldest Ziegler work for that top tier status from now on.  No more Free Rides, honey.  Which would have been much more of a Teaching Moment if Abby had stuck her all the way down on the bottom and moved Nia up a peg, if you ask me.  But you know…

Whatev.  I’m pretty sure Maddie was too busy making music videos to even care.


Drumroll.  Which meant that Kendall was on top of the Pyramid!!!  KK got all excited.  My MomCrush Jill got all excited.  Everyone was pretty excited.

About time Kendall got some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, yo.

This week the gang was headed to Escondido, CA for the New York Dance Experience.

NYDE.  Which I totally thought said NYSE on the backdrop during previews.  Not that Maddie doesn’t already have enough money invested in SiaStocks to justify ringing the opening bell.  I just don’t think she can reach the button yet.

Kendall and JoJo scored the solos.  Top and Bottom of the Pyramid.  Just like in baseball.

KK’s solo was entitled ‘Immortal’ and had something to do with chariot races at the first Olympiad, while JoJo would be channeling her Inner Miley Cyrus in a tribute to the former Hannah Montana star who got really famous by doing stuff with one of those foam fingers you can buy at football games.

JoJo.  Loves.  Miley.

Like, OMG Smiley Face and Hearts loves Miley.

giphy11JoJo literally had to be put on a ventilator during the commercial break she loves Miley so much.  She even wears Miley Socks.  Maybe by the holidays Miley will finally start wearing underwear and put her face on that, too.  You better start making your Christmas lists now, kids, just to be on the safe side.

The ‘Don’t Fence Me In’ group routine was going to be based on a gigantic barbed wire (…duh…) fence prop, which was very timely considering that everyone on the news seems to be breaking out of prison nowadays.  (You don’t think that Jeff Collins is psychic, do you?  How else do you explain this week’s dance theme when the show is taped so many months in advance?)

As luck would have it,  Abby had more than enough available barricade surrounding the terminally-under construction ALDCLA site, so finding something for Mackenzie to swing on wasn’t going to be a problem.

F’realz.  Is that new studio even open yet?  It’s been like two years.  I bet they’re faking their Instagram feed with a green screen.  What’s the hold up, Bob?

maxresdefault-1This was an especially important week, tho, because the highest scoring ALDC soloist would move on to compete against NEXT week’s soloist in the battle for a spot at the…umm…they say it all the time.  And it always sneaks up on me every season.  What was the name again?

The Road To Nationals:  You know what to do every time you hear somebody say it.

tumblr_ndcjvy2ZVC1qk08n1o2_500Under 21?  Have a juice box.  We’ll make a game out of it.  It’ll be fun.

As the girls got to rehearsing, we went to check in on the Candy Apples.  Who were back again.  Except that they were called the Broadway Dance Academy dancers now and Cathy Nesbitt-Stein was not even listed on my DVR recording.

Don’t ask.

Jeanette Cota was also back, if that helps give you any sense of normalcy.  The way she explained it, she and Ava were here for the long run now that Chaos Cathy had moved on, whatever that means.  I’m pretty sure Cathy’s still alive, tho, because somebody is still talking smack about Abby on her Twitter page.  So I’m thinking she definitely just moved on…not passed on.

And if Jeanette was going to lead this new and improved team to victory, she was going to do it with edgy, controversial, on-trend subject matter that she could rub all over Abby’s face like butter on a biscuit.

Starting with Transgender issues and the impact it has on young members of the LGBT community.  And on Chloe’s Mom Liza, apparently, who got so overwhelmed by the subject matter that I thought somebody was gonna have to run across town and get JoJo’s inhaler.

Liza got all like…


…and barely made it through Jeanette’s full backstory on the dance like…

VerklemptThat other lady still had on her razor slice necklace, too.  What the what?

Transgender Advocate Jay Pryor, whose life the It Gets Better musical project is based on, would be coming to visit soon, along with members of the Gay Men’s Chorus, who…wait for it…would be singing LIVE during competition.

Side note:  Did Jeanette call it the Gay MAN’s Chorus the first time, or was it just me?

Cuz I swear…

Jeanette was clearly going for the kill shot this week.

Just like Kira.  Who was baaaaaaack.

kg2No lie.  They were back already.  Granted, Kira and Kalani pulled into the parking lot on Day Two so slowly that I thought they had a nail in their tire.  But at least they were back.  And whatever swear word came out of Melissa’s mouth when they drove up is the same one that’s written on Kira’s vanity plates, because Lifetime blurred them both out at the same time.  No lie.

Honk if you Bleep.

The Dealio:  Kalani loved the team and wanted to finish up the season with her Dance Family.  Kira didn’t want to be there, but had flown back and forth and back again from AZ in the hopes that Abby would accept her daughter back into the fold and forget about the whole silly thing.

Side note:  How mad do you have to get that your entire shirt pops off in public, anyway?


Better the back hallway of a hotel than in the middle of a mall food court, I guess.

I’m officially done with this photo for the week.  You can open your eyes now.

Naturally, Abby wouldn’t let Kalani back into the group routine since it was already a work in progress.  True, she can re-block a number four minutes before they go on stage every time she forgets a costume at home…but, still…it wasn’t gonna happen this time.

Especially since Abby felt that Kira wanted everyone to take it up the a** for some reason that escapes me right now.

Side note:  How about when Abby yelled at Kendall and told her that she was dancing like Mackenzie and then Mackenzie got all like Hello?I’mRightHereInTheRoom.

Hilarious.  Nationals is really getting everyone on edge.


Back over at whatever the Candy Apples are called now, all of Jeanette’s guests arrived to make everyone cry.  Especially Liza, who cried like she was on a soap opera…


…as Jay (…who used to be Janet…) told his story of self-awareness and transitioning from female to male after years of not feeling comfortable in his own skin.

I really liked Jay.  He reminded me of the Genius Bar guy at my local Apple Store who swapped out my iPhone 6 with no questions when the battery wouldn’t hold a charge.

Jay was super-smiley and so happy now that you couldn’t help but get a little fuzzy.  And any one who talks shizz about my boy Jay and his life choices is no longer allowed to read this blog.  So there’s that, too.  Choose carefully, because you don’t get a do-over.

Live your life, dude.


Jeanette introduced her team to Jay, singer Jason and song writer Morten, whose funky black and yellow shirt looked like a Crate & Barrel pillow.  They all spoke and explained how important the story was and how it was all going to go down on stage at the competition.  Honestly, everyone smiled so much it freaked me out.  Not as much as Jay’s old breasts used to freak him out, I’m sure.  But close.

By the time we returned to 3rd Street, Abby was quizzing Kalani about her religious choices like she was the Pope or something.  Not dancing in the group routine was now considered penance for walking out on everyone last week.  Go say three Hail Marys and slap your mother for me.  Amen.

Finally, it was Showtime!  Hallelujah.

Outside the auditorium, the ALDC came face to face with the CADC/BDA in an odd moment that looked exactly the way I always imagined a PTA meeting on a Gay Pride float would look.  Jeanette and Jessalynn wore dueling Jackie O glasses (…Mama Siwa for the Win because hers were BeDazzled…) while the other Moms sniffed each other out like meerkats.

Bonus Points for Liza holding one of the little rainbow flags they stick in Greenwich Village cupcakes.  She might be my new favorite funny person in the event that Jessalynn can no longer fulfill her duties.


Side note:  How about the two guys in suits and earpieces walking between the teams like somebody was going to pull a gun at an Escondido dancing competition?  You see them?

I need to know right now who the big bald one was.  He wasn’t taking crap from anybody.

In the makeup room, Jill contoured Kendall K’s face so hard I thought the extra ‘K‘ might have been for ‘Kardashian,’ while JoJo modeled her Miley Cyrus outfit for the crowd.  The sparkly costume itself was pretty snazzy, but somebody clearly cheaped out and bought her one of those Carol Brady wigs you always see advertised in the back of Ok! Magazine.  Not cool.

And then Abby gave one last pep talk to the soloists about how this could make or break their chances for Nationals.


Rachelle “Sas” Rak Sighting:  Yaaaas!  There she was at the table, right next to some judge wearing a Forest Ranger hat.  I’m not sure if my girl was just keeping it low-key this time or if they kept showing the same shot of her over and over the entire evening.

But she never moved once.


jdJoJo was first up and she legit hit the stage like a Wrecking Ball.  At first she was all like…

maxresdefaultBut then ended up more like…

rudolph-yukoncornelius-9…when she completely forgot all her choreography.

Kendall, on the other hand, remembered hers.  Clearly my MomCrush was off a week or so when she declared that previous week as National Kendall Week, because KK was on fiyah this time around.  Wear Em Out, girl!

Side note:  After all the controversy (…and exposed undergarments…) surrounding Embracegate, it was certainly a nice surprise to see Abby actually hug it out with JoJo following her less than stellar performance.  Maybe Bumbles really can bounce and come back with a softer side.  Guess we’ll just have to wait and see, Cornelius.

527:  The number of hair bows that JoJo owns.  Officially announced right here during one of those Dance Moms Slumber Party thingamabobs where all the girls talk at once and write on dry erase boards.  527.

And then the groups performed.  And NAILED it.  Both of them.

It was clearly a tough decision, but in the end the ALDC came in on top and beat the CADC/BDA.  One.  Two.

But Jay’s story was more important to Jeanette than the actual win this time.  And I have to agree.  I don’t have to agree when people have bikini bathing suit tan lines and then wear a strapless dress to a dance competition, but her team’s moving performance on stage made up for Jeanette’s whackadoodle lack of sunscreen.

And then it was over.

The ALDC was back on top.

Kira and Kalani were sticking around.  For now, anyway.

These two were getting ready for a solo showdown.


And Abby’s hair inexplicably did this right as the credits started to roll.


One week closer to Nationals, people.


Dance Moms: It’s Second Verse, Same As The First When Abby And Kira Go Another Round. Is It The Final Battle?

Friday, July 17th, 2015




Chill. I’m just here to teach my student. And I was so excited to get here I forgot to put my pants on.






Imma let you finish that last donut, Jill, but then I think you need to lay off the bus snacks. Dang.















They say it’s a dry heat, but you know the minute I step outside Imma frizz up like a chia pet.














Imma let you finish, but Kendall K. had one of the BEST videos of all time. And her Mom’s hot.






Now I know my hair looks amazing and all, but this blog doesn’t even make sense anymore.





About the donut part, I mean.

My MomCrush Jill doesn’t need to lose any weight.  She’s looking straight up fly these days, coming back from every commercial break with a new hairdo and climate-friendly LA ensemble in her confessionals.  Despite the fact that the aerosol emissions from this show alone are probably eating a gigantic hole in the ozone, Mrs. Vertes still somehow manages to keep it on-trend every week.

It’s just that the picture was too good to pass up.  I mean, c’mon.

Look at Holly all up in the back of Jill’s stuff like “How many Bump-Its you got on today, Woman?”  Timing is everything in the butt-shot screen-cap world, people.

Just don’t get me started on Kanye,  because I’m only allowed one big a** joke per week and I already used it at Jill’s expense.

But we love Jill.  And Jill’s multiple Bump-Its.  And Holly, of course.  Mad love for Holly.

So y’all relax.  I’m just here to make fun of everybody.

Which sets up a nice segue into this week’s episode of Dance Moms.


The Road to Nationals: Mentioned within the first 24 seconds.  Jessalynn for the win.

All the Moms were back on the sidewalk outside 3rd St. Dance as the show started, wondering if Abby Lee Miller would even show up after last week’s (…self-imposed or maybe nah?…) Siberian exile.  Jill was drinking from one of those mysterious iced coffee cups covered in black electrical tape and poking everyone in the eye with the straw because she talks with her hands too much.  You ever notice that?

Jessalynn was incognito behind a giant pair of those blinged out sunglasses they always wear on Mob Wives until someone calls you a (bleepin’ bleep) and bitch slaps them off your face with a cocktail glass full of Grey Goose.  Melissa‘s hair looked nice, but she was acting like she hadn’t had her first cup of Joe yet.  Holly was selling tickets to her Michelle Obama gun show (…I swear Dr. Beyoncé must have a travel gym bag that came with those colored rubber tubes you tie around bathroom door knobs and a CD for bicep and tricep work.  Pow Pow…) and Kira, as always, was on the cutting edge of social media.

R.I.P. Pyramid of Shame:  Is that not a thing anymore?

Before they even entered the building, the Moms somehow knew they were headed to Phoenix this week for the Xpression Dance Competition.


Arizona.  Kira and Kalani‘s home state.  Which meant that Kira had called up Kalani’s old dance instructor and asked her to choreograph a solo for her former student and that I had Googled ‘Ditat Deus’ because that’s AZ’s state motto and I don’t even remember taking Latin in 7th grade even though my report card says I did.

Ditat Deus:  It has something to do with how cost effective it is to fly an Arizona dance teacher all the way to California and then fly her right back to Arizona for a competition.

Through the magic of social media, Melissa and Kira also knew that the ALDC‘s dreaded arch nemesis Candy Apples would be at the competition in Phoenix.  After flying all the Apple Kids and Apple Moms from Ohio to California to rehearse for some reason and then flying them all to Arizona for the competition and then flying them all back home to Ohio, that is.  Because, you know…Ditat Deus.

I swear this show is a test.  Just put down an answer.  Don’t worry about how you got it.

Speaking of.  Next thing you knew, we were at the International Dance Academy down the street somewhere, getting reacquainted with the Candy Apples Contingent.

Everyone except Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein, that is.  The leader of the Evil Dance Lair was nowhere to be seen.  Just like Abby, who we had not yet laid eyes on.  So that’s 2 for 2 if you’re keeping score.  And no explanation given on this disappearance, either.

But have no fear.  The CADC would not be wandering aimlessly, bumping into each other on stage, because in came Jeanette Cota to save the day!

Insert RyanLochteFace here: ________.  Jeeeeahhhh!


Dat’s rite.  You heard me.  Ava‘s Mom, her crazy hair and even crazier shortest shorty shorts evah were in charge of the entire Candy Apples production this week!

(Spoiler Alert:  Don’t get too attached to that shorty short title, honey.)

You remember Ava.  She’s the pretty, pretty lengthy dancer that Abby tagged as a Praying Mantis.  Which is totes mean, BTW, but not as mean as the hit that other girl with the big ears took that night in the back hallway.

Side note:  That was a joke.  We’ve already had this Who’sGotTheBiggestEars discussion a million times.  So hate tweets, please.  And keep your voice down around Chloe.

Because…you know.

Bonus Points to Chloe’s Mom, Liza, for that Power MallWalk she took down the hall when she was chasing after Abby that night.  Remember that?  That one still gives me Life.  You go, girl.  You go and check out the sale windows at Kohl’s.  We’ll wait.

I’m going to assume that Jeanette got the fill-in job because she runs her own dance studio back in Michigan.  Which means she probably flew all the way from Michigan to Ohio, found the CADC building empty, got back on a plane and flew to California to meet up with the Apple Moms.  Which also means she’ll probably fly back to Ohio with them to help unpack all their (…Spoiler Alert #2…) Björk tutu dresses and then board yet another Delta 747 home to Michigan.

Racking up some serious Frequent Flier Ditat Deus miles along the way, of course.

This show.  I swear.

And what’s the deal with all the frizzy hair at Candy Apples now?  It can’t just be a coincidence.  Is there a box to check off on the applications now?

You’ve got Jeanette on the days she doesn’t flat iron.


And Melanie, who still owes me for the soda she knocked over in a Boston foodcourt.

mh2And this Mom, who either really likes that razor slice necklace or just can’t get it off, because I’ve never seen her not wearing it around her throat.

fz1And this lady, who’s actually a famous person and a test to see if you’re even paying attention or just skimming all my hard work and looking at pictures.

Shakira-575x359Side note:  The name of Jeanette’s studio is JC’s Broadway Dance Academy.  Like the guy from ‘N Sync.  He’s so dreamy, right?  Even though he’s like 74 now.

Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Abby finally showed up after a week’s hiatus.  At least physically, anyway.  Mentally, she kinda reminded me of myself when I get my drowsy and non-drowsy allergy pills mixed up on the weekends.

(Srsly.  Is it really that difficult to make them in different colors, CVS?)

No Pyramid.  No talk.  No fun.  Nothing.  Just dance class.  Just like the Moms had been asking for ever since Christi threw that Slushie in Leslie‘s face down in N’awlins.

Something ain’t right with that woman.  And it’s not just fatigue from picking out Home Depot switch plate covers for the new ALDCLA.

And then Alexa Moffett showed up!  Kalani’s old dance teacher arrived to snap her former student out of her dance funk and to also snatch that shortest shorty shorts EVAH trophy right out of Jeanette’s sweaty hands.


Srsly.  Did you see those things?  Or…could you even?  I’m going to assume Alexa didn’t drive to the studio, because there was no way she could fit keys in there.

But we really liked Alexa.  First when she was out back talking to Kira, figuring out a plan of attack.  And then even more so when she finally got up the nerve to fix her wedgie and go face-to-face with Abby in the studio.  Before she even spoke her first word, Alexa had already been on screen longer than Tessandra Chavez had last week.  That was a plus.

You might remember Alexa from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  Or a billion other things, including her OVER ALL win for Disney’s SHAKE IT UP competition, where she and her peeps beat out 60,000 other entries for I dunno know what.  But she won.

And she’s really cute, even though she slouches more than I thought a dance teacher was supposed to slouch.  But that could just be me after seeing too many Boston Ballet students waiting for the subway in 4th position.  Who knows.

Alexa also has that sorority girl kind of hair that you comb through with one hand over the top of your head while you’re holding your iPhone and a Starbucks with the other and somehow the part magically changes sides.  And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Note to Chloe Smith:  The song on Alexa’s website really blasts when the screen first loads.  It’s Star Wars music or something.  So be careful.  Because…you know.  Ears.

After a few seconds of gratuitous chit chat, Abby finally looked up from her phone.  Alexa looked at Abby.  Abby said “So what’s your story?”

And then Alexa said “I’m just here to teach my student.”  

And the gravitational pull of the Earth momentarily shifted.

Holly and her #EmptyChair were all like…


Jill was all like…


 And then she was all like…

whAnd then she was all like…

tumblr_mqprgc5cBC1sd5i8po1_500Alexa ain’t scared of no Abby Lee Miller.  Or her contract, which Abby tried to pull up on her phone to prove I don’t know what while Gianna noted that she had not approved Kalani’s music, since I guess she is now in charge of iTunes DRM copyright clearance or something.  Sometimes the editing on this show, combined with sitting too close to my television, just gives me brain static.

Somehow, through the magic of shorty shorts, Alexa swiped control of Kalani’s solo right out from under Abby and Gianna.  No contract.  No arguments.  No pants.  No nothing.

No idea how it happened, either.  But she did it.

Side note:  The girls from both teams actually did some rehearsal dancing in and around all this hilarity, but it paled in comparison to the drama.  So just trust me on this one, because we’re already going OT on the recap.

Finally, it was Showtime!  In beautiful hot, humid, gross Phoenix, AZ.

Backstage, Gianna and Abby were still eerily silent as they sat and watched Alexa (…who had traded in her shorty shorts for a more formal dress with no front and no back…) run Kalani through her no-acro solo.  Our girl was getting her mojo back.  You could just tell.


On stage, Ava nailed her crazy leg ‘Praying Mantis’ routine.  Followed by Kalani, who definitely got her money’s worth during ‘The Investment.’  Not gonna lie.  Both girls know their shizz.

As everyone prepped for the group routines back in the dressing room, Gianna and Abby started doing Dance Math again.  Five minutes before curtain showtime.

11125348744_2a75b75427_bSuddenly Kalani was too old and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was just right and Mackenzie showed up just in time to drop the team’s average age down a notch because I don’t even remember her being in the first 52 minutes of the show at all.

I swear these girls will be 42 years old and still somehow performing in that damn Junior category.  I don’t know how Abby does it, but clearly she’s no better at counting birthday candles than she is at measuring carpet squares and getting her freakin’ ALDCLA studio open before 2017.

Needless to say, Kira and Kalani flipped out.  Maybe Kira a little more than Kalani.  But enough was enough for both of them.

After reliving their last epic meltdown, thankfully sparing us another shot of Abby in her Lane Bryant undergarments…

ab1(Psych.  There it is again.)

…Kira was done.  You could just tell.

But not until the group routines were performed.  At least according to the version they showed on my TV.  The Twitter version says the opposite.  Leave me out of it.

The CADC girls danced their ‘Famous Infamous’ routine in tutus that I really thought had carrots sewn into the halters straps for the first 32 counts, until I realized they were supposed to be swans.

Like this.


But actually more like this.

3404005The ALDC girls, on the other hand, didn’t dance in any form of poultry and yet managed to make it out of ‘The Panic Room’ just fine, actually taking First Place for their performance.

Ava scored 4th and Kalani took First Place like a rockstaaah.  Alexa got all ToldYouSo.

And then it all got bad.  Really bad.

From this point on, I don’t really know what happened.  Everyone has a different version on how it all went down.  Before the awards.  After the awards.  During the awards.  On the bus.  Off the bus.  Under the bus.

All that really matters is Kira and Kalani quit at some point.

And that’s not cool.  At all.

Everyone started screaming and crying and quitting and threatening to quit and un-quitting and re-quitting until my palms were so sweaty I couldn’t grip my own shorty short trophy from high school.  Yes, I have one.  And I earned it, thank you very much.

And then Kalani cried and it was all over.


Our girl was gone.

For good this time.  I think.

As they walked off into the sunset (…was Alexa’s dress on backwards?…) everyone was bawling and trying to figure out what had just happened.

akkGoodbye, Kalani.

If you’re really gone, we miss you already.



Dance Moms: When It Comes To MDP Drama, You Know The West Coast Is The Best Coast. Abby vs. Erin…Again.

Friday, June 26th, 2015




Grandma ’bout to go off on that little girl back there who’s tryna steal your pink bow/side pony look.






What? That noise? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you over the sound of my hat being so awesome.






So you just spray the s*** out of it and then rat it all up? I’m totally trying this on my kids tonight.






First I lose the receipt for the doll. Then that crazy chick cuts all the hair off. What the–?







Look, honey. I had a baby while you were dancing…and she looks just like a tiny Priscilla Presley.






I swear to Gawd. These people. Not even that much common sense. Am I asking too much?






I don’t know who writes this thing, but I swear it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Hashtag: TotalCrap.




Today’s off-topic Dance Moms lesson:  Geography.

Specifically, the states over on the right side of the map.

They are part of what is called the East Coast, which is generally defined as those states bordering the Atlantic Ocean, although Vermont does not actually touch water and only a very small part of Pennsylvania does.  I mean, like very small.

Like I had to enlarge the Google Map five times just to see if I was being punk’d by Wikipedia.  I swear, it’s the tiniest little piece of land evah that apparently meets the Delaware Bay way down at the bottom somewhere and probably maxxes out at 27 people on a good beach day.

But it counts as the Atlantic Ocean somehow.  And that’s all that matters, because not only does it qualify Pennsylvania as an Eastern State by default, but it also makes the following East  vs. West hip hop rivalry comparison almost make sense despite the excessive amount of time it took to actually get to the point.

Almost.  The More You Know.

The Notorious B.I.G vs. 2Pac?

Forget it.   ah

I’m talking the new East Coast vs. West Coast.

The ALDC vs. MDP, yo.  

Abby Lee Miller vs. Erin Babbs.

With Ms. Miller and her team finally, kinda sorta relocated to Los Angeles in anticipation of what has thus far been only an imaginary unicorn named ALDCLA, the Moms and girls were already hunkered down at 3rd St. Dance bracing for their 3rd Straight Face-off with Erin’s Murrieta Dance Project as soon as the credits rolled.

As the girls all stretched out in some random room that I swear had giant bags of restaurant rice and a case of 16 oz party cups sticking out of the closet door (…did you see that?  What was all that stuff behind Mackenzie‘s head?…) Maddie was still having trouble digesting the fact that she had come in second to her own sister at last week’s Center Stage competition in Anaheim.

Side note:  Personally, I was still having trouble digesting the fact that every one of these girls is already shlepping around their own Louis bag when they still have baby teeth.  But I digress.  And it’s not like I want one for myself, because I don’t.  I’m more of a Burberry Charcoal Check kind of guy, even though today I brought my lunch to work in a GNC bag.

But still.  Duh.  Louis Vuitton.  Haters gonna hate hate hate.


Side note 2:  That is also totally how I picture the fake Louis factories that make those knock-off bags they sell in Times Square, even though I have no proof whatsoever that they actually employ child laborers.  But, c’mon.  Tons of kids with no shoes on, crawling around the floor, surrounded by a million Louis Vuitton bags with the stuff all falling out of them.  Go back and watch that scene again.

And then contact my lawyer if I’m lying.

The two little Ziegler SisterZ went a few rounds until Maddie grabbed Mackenzie by the base of her neck the same way Hulk Hogan used to do right before he slammed ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage‘s face into the corner post of the wrestling ring.   I’m pretty sure she was about to bear hug the oxygen out of her lungs in the name of sisterly love until Abby broke it up for the Pyramid of Shame.

Saved by the Yell.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia.  The Middle tier was taken up by Kalani and Maddie, because Kalani had been just meh last week and Maddie had nearly shattered the Time Space Continuum by losing to somebody and then making a scrunchy face while she checked her Instagram likes.

Which left the top spot wide open for MackZ.  Applause all around.


This week the gang was headed to Fierce Talent Competition in Calabasas, CA.  But before Abby could even hand out solos, JoJo piped up and announced that her Grandma, who was battling Stage 4 colon cancer, was flying all the way to LA just to see her dance.

So could she, you know…get a solo?  Not to be greedy, but because she loves her Grandma.  And it could be the last time she gets to see her dance.

And because cancer sucks.

Needless to say, everyone got a little sniffly.  Yes.  Even Abby.  Who got all like…


…and immediately gave JoJo with the BowBow a SoLo, no questions asked.

But then she got all like…


…and immediately kicked her out of the group routine so she could focus on that solo.  So Cindy Lou…Who…knows how that lady thinks sometimes.

Kendall scored the remaining solo, which would be the one she was supposed to perform two week prior when Abby had no-showed with the no-costume.  With an additional 14 days to rehearse, that thing better be perfect by now.  Understood?

The group dance, entitled ‘Voices In My Head,’ would be led by Mackenzie even though it was supposed to have gone to Maddie.  But Maddie lost last week.  So there you go.

Let the punishment fit the crime.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  The first one was very subtle, but by the middle of the show it was all about the SiaFace.  And The MaddieFace.  And even (…Spoiler Alert!…) The MackenzieWhateverFace.


As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms headed out to that mystery room with the satellite feed, we scooted over to join the MDP crew for an outdoor bootcamp class that was being held uncomfortably close to the edge of the LA Freeway.

Srsly.  You see that?  The Moms were literally watching it from the breakdown lane.  One bad backward crab crawl and somebody could have ended up being the lead story on last night’s KTLA news.  And they were on an incline fercryinoutloud.  Does Lifetime not even have a legal department anymore?

Speaking of getting sued.  The MDP group routine was going to be a full-on Abby-bash called ‘Monster Under The Bed’ that got all the girls diabolically giggling the minute Erin diabolically announced her diabolical plan.

Not gonna lie.  Because they all have the exact same MDP hair and MDP face, it was a little spooky when they all started to MDP laugh at the same time.

MDP of the Corn.  Google it.

Back at 3rd St., Abby was putting Mackenzie through the hoops with her group dance lead role.  A little rough, but she threw her a bone once in awhile.  In a backhanded compliment kind of way, she even acknowledged that “Your dance was very pretty…”

“…for you.”


Good thing a commercial came on after that one.

Side note:  Except that it was the same kid in two different commercials.  F’real.  With two different sets of parents.  Like my head isn’t already spinning during this show.  Especially when tonight’s episode of Dance Moms was brought to you by Sea World, which made no sense at all.  (Remember the vintage episode where Kelly Hyland called Abby ‘Shamu’ because she was wearing a black and white ensemble that looked like it came with a whale spout?)

I really don’t remember much after this point, so I’ll be making stuff up as we go.

The next stop was lunch with Jessalynn, JoJo and Grandma Cathy.  Who.  We.  Love.

It was a short scene, but so positive and so full of SiwaLove that you couldn’t help but get a little misty.  Grandma has the best attitude and best smile and by the time JoJo started to cry I may or may not have gotten some dust in my eyes that made me blink.

Really fast.


Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Even when she’s talking about two kinds of cancer, chemo and waiting for a waitress who’s taking waaaaay too long to show up with the drinks, Jessalynn just gives me side cramps.  I wish I could remember the exact day when she went from nut-job to stand-up, because she is a riot.

(Spoiler Alert:  And quite a fashionista when it comes to accessories, I must say.)

Real quick:  Erin gave some little MDP nugget named Caylie a solo and almost made her hyperventilate.  Really.

And then Jessalynn put on her Big Girl Hat.

576563672 Ok.  It was more like this, maybe…

h1 (1)But it was awesome.

And made no sense whatsoever.  Which made it even more awesome.

Even my MomCrush Jill was all like WhatTheHell’sThatOnYou’reHeadGurl?” even though she only thought it and didn’t really say it out loud.  But you could totally tell just by the way her hands were going everywhere.  Her Bump-It even fell out half way through the scene she was so traumatized.

jOr maybe jealous.  Because you know how Mrs. Vertes loves her headgear.

This whole show does, actually.  Even though the kids can’t keep a hat on their head to save their lives during a performance, the Moms do love their dome decor.

Remember Engineer Jill?  All aboard the Vertes Express.  Toot Toot.

d5Or Sick Of This S*** Cowboy Jill?  Where’d my other shoe go?

d12 And don’t forget Dapper Chapeau Jill.  ‘Ello, Gov’na.

d23And you know how Dr. Holly always likes a good topper that can go directly from a morning of backyard gardening to Coachella.  She doesn’t wear them much anymore though, now that her hair is so on point.  We love Holly.  Did we mention that already?

dance-moms-season-5-episode-6-holly-hatAnd this hat, of course, which has nothing to do with anything.  But it’s faaabulous.

That wasted enough time that we need to skip right to the MDP again to catch up on their American Girl Abby Dance.  Because that’s what it was now.

Erin had dropped by the Galleria and picked up one of those Revolutionary War dolls that the other Moms were pimping out into an Abby Lee Miller bouffant.  As hilarious as that was, the really hilarious part was that Erin gave it to a Mom who looked exactly like the doll.  Who was sitting next to another Mom who looked exactly like the first Mom who looked exactly like the doll.

Not gonna lie.  I may have momentarily lost track of which one was actually getting their hair teased into one of those Jack It To Jesus poofs because there was so much activity going on behind the scenes.

And I’m being serious.  I challenge you to tell me which one of these plucky brown-haired chicks comes with a Colonial dress and a comic book:


Back at the ALDCLA (…to nobody’s surprise…) Abby replaced Mackenzie as the lead in the group dance with Maddie at the very last minute.  I guess a First Place Face still trumps a Second Place Dance when it comes to competition day.

Side note:  The Moms had the same ‘Stick Up For Your Kids’ discussion with Melissa they had last week, so we can skip right over this latest one to save some time.  Plus, you know how I go out of my way to avoid all the dramzzz that everyone else seems to love on Twitter.

Side note numero dos:  Speaking of.  How do these people have that much time to tweet and retweet and smack talk and talk smack about a television show when I can’t even get my recaps out on a timely basis?  Don’t you have jobs?  Or new grandkids?  Or cable?

Here’s a thought:  Hate the show?  Change the channel.  You’re welcome.  I just saved you at least one hour a week.  Think how productive you can be now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Knowing that she couldn’t compete with Jessalynn’s Big Girl Hat this week (…I mean…who could, really?  You see that thing?…) Mama V had been laying low until the bus pulled into Calabasas to unleash her new multi-colored, multi-striped MTV meets Get Your Hair Did With Your Kid Day meets I don’t know what Aerosmith hair in her confessional shot.

I heart Jill so hard.  Rock on, bitches.

But like her new ‘do, I’m gonna need a week to process.  Remind me next episode.


Now let’s wrap this bad boy up.  Warp speed.

Erin showed up with a cluster of Welcoming Committee balloons right after Kira knocked over that fabric partition contraption that always hides all the bagels.  No clue what Kalani’s mom was doing back there, but thankfully she still had her clothes on when the divider fell over or I’d be coughing up coins for Lifetime’s new Adult Pay-Per-View.

Abby had Maddie go out into the wings and pretend that she was warming up for a non-existent solo, just to make poor Caylie start hyperventilating for the second time in as many days.  It worked, but I’m pretty sure Erin has some MDP-branded inhalers in her dance bag.  Everything else had a logo on it.


JoJo did a great job on her solo, but didn’t place.  But it didn’t matter.  She danced for her Grandma and everybody cried.

Even Abby admitted that it wasn’t about winning.

It’s true.  I had to rewind that part just to make sure I heard her correctly.  She said it.

Kendall’s solo only scored Second Place, which would have been ok if she hadn’t been sitting on the choreography for two weeks.  Abby was not happy.

Unfortunately, the MDP’s MonsterMash beat the ALDC (…is it legit “–LA” yet?…) in the group category for the second time in three competitions.  And Abby hated that.  A lot.

Naturally, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways like a bar brawl and everyone got overheated.  Some MDP Mom had dropped an F-Bomb when Caylie wobbled in her solo and the ALDC Moms couldn’t stop talking about it.

Which led to something about how proud you must be of your MDP Mother.

Which led to some MDP Mom saying that Abby’s Mom must be so proud of her, too.

Which led to Abby pointing out that her Mom was dead.

Hashtag: Dead.

I got nothing after that.

Is it hot in here, or is it just California?


Doll down.


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