Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Git It Gurrrrl! That’s Right…It’s Time To Sparkle And Spray Again, Baby. They’re Baaaaaaack!

Thursday, August 25th, 2016

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I swear.  Some of these Mamas get me so stressed out I could almost blink.

 

 

bowww

 

 

I know you’re not gonna ask me to put on some cheer bow from Claire’s when my hair is on point.

 

 

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If she don’t want it, I’ll take it. Bows are kinda my thing…

 

 

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Somebody better start blending, cuz I’m not leaving the house with my tracks showing.

 

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Telling you right now I’m not missing Leg Day cuz some crazy Mama can’t read a damn clock.

 

 

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Look! I literally filled my own cavity with a big bag of sequins from Michaels. This s*** just got real.

 

 

 

Buckle up that car seat, kids.

Make sure the lid on your sippy cup is secure, too.

And you might wanna even take out that flipper so you don’t choke on it.

Because…yes.

tumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Yaaas.

tumblr_o52nnutCWg1rlafseo1_400Yaaaas.

dsghfdsgfhAnd just…yes.

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Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

And it’s back with a vengeance.

The dry spell is over.  After disappearing from television screens for a long 3 years, all the glitz, glam and go-go juice is back in our face.  But with an upgrade.

It’s Toddlers 2.0.

Or what we like to call the Dance Mom-ization of the Free World.

ezgif.com-cropMore Noise.  More Mama Drama.

More crazy Moms (…Spoiler Alert…) sprawled out all over the furniture being crazy.  Then some more noise.  And then some more Mama Drama.

And, if time allows between commercials, maybe even some tiny kids trying to balance ginormous sparkle crowns on their heads.

Side note:  Srly?  Three years later and we still haven’t found a way to make headgear that…I dunno…actually fits a head?  How many unaired scenes involving the Jaws of Life do you think we’ve missed over the years?

Look at this poor kid.  A headband, a hair bow, a ponytail, two hands and the thing still won’t stay on her head.  What the h***?  She’s like 17 pounds soaking wet.

crwThere’s starving Vegas Showgirls out there who could use those crystals.

I love this show, BTW.

And now it’s back.  And just in time.

After months of getting in and out of my bathing suit after all those summer BBQs…

pricklylegs.tumblr1…nobody was happier to see this show return than me.

Except for maybe Cambrie Littlefield.

Because she’s reeeeaaaallly into pageants.  Like…really.

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You remember Cambrie.  We heart her.

She’s the pageant coach owner of Cambrie’s Court School for Gifted Pageant Girls in Las Vegas, which I swear used to be called Cambrie’s Cuties before the 2.0 Upgrade.

Even Cambrie herself got an upgrade.  Dang, gurl.

Last time we saw Cam I think she was in some country bar or something doing pretty feet in thigh high boots.  If we’re being honest, my DVR taped over all the old T & T episodes with new General Hospitals, so I can’t go back and research my facts.

But I don’t think I’m making that part up.  Or I could be.

But we love her no matter what.  She’s sassy.

Look at her kicking it like some Real Housewife of Nevada in a Reunion Show dress that’s cut almost all the way up to the Vegas Strip.

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giphy-1A self-proclaimed Pageant Goddess since the age of 2 who can’t keep a Second Place trophy OR a Man, Cambrie is #Goals.

Moving on down the road a bit to Phoenix, we next met pageant coach, Jaimie.

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She’s sassy, too.

Except I hope she’s trademarked her sass.

Or at least the Sassy Supremes logo on her biz cards.

For some reason they filmed all her confessionals in what looked like some kind of set for a high school production of Grease.  Not sure what that was all about since Cambrie was shot in about 14 different locations with 14 different cocktails.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who noticed that.

Here’s Cambrie staying hydrated in a Crate & Barrel showroom.

clI love her even more now.

Freshen my drink, Jeeves, or I’ll see you in Cambrie’s Court.

As part of the 2.0 Upgrade, there’s more of a focus on rival pageant coaches, which was demonstrated through one of those CNN Election Center split screens.

ss107Oh, yeah.  It’s on.

The first little nugget we met was 4 year old Kallyn and her Mom Megan, who was spread out like it was her day job on one of those giant couches that looked like it should come with a built-in cup holder.

Look at her.

megAnd then look at her again.

legsIs she wearing one of those bow ties that squirt water?

Needless to say, I immediately fell in love with her.

tumblr_m7wjveEFz71r4ghkoo1_400Disclaimer for those of you who’ve never had the pleasure of this blog:  Relax.

It’s all in fun.  I love every single Kid and Mom that’s ever been on this show.  Nothing is ever done to be mean.  It’s called Reality TV for a reason.

Just ask Paisley‘s Mom.  Who I probably traumatized more than any other Mom.

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Q. What ever happened to them, anyway?

They were supposed to meet me at P.F. Chang’s like 4 years ago.

They probably gave away our table by now.

Anyway.

Kallyn had on the best ‘Hot Mess’ shirt evah, accessorized with these giant gold pearls that were big enough to keep her afloat should she ever fall overboard.

Look at my dab.

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81eb2548668087cd277add7939ac469eUnfortunately, they couldn’t protect her from the hazards of that whatchamacallit playground thing that spins you around until you puke.

Because Puke Happened.

Luckily, it happened before Jaimie showed up with about 20 feet of garden hose looking like she was there to clean the pool.  Look at her.

poolTurns out it was a mobile spray tan machine.  My bad.

Because it wouldn’t be Toddlers & Tiaras without somebody getting a couple coats of Krylon in the kitchen, right?

Side note:  Anyone else notice that as soon as Mom jumped off the couch to greet Jaimie, some man took over her spot like one of those Grammy Award seat fillers?  I’m gonna assume that it was Kallyn’s Dad in the pink shirt, because Real Pageant Men Wear Pink.

Side note #2:  One of my all-time favorite parts of this show has always been the random assortment of nameless children and pets that appear and disappear at whim in the background as the plot thickens.  Check out this shot where there’s so much going on that I had to pause the Xfinity box to take it all in.

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You got a dog thinking there’s Milk-Bones in the pool pack, about to get konked in the head.  You got Kallyn’s Jazzercise headband and Joan Collins necklace.  You got Jaimie losing her grip on the oxygen hose about to konk the previously mentioned dog in the head.  And there’s even some other kid way back there in the West Wing holding up a baby like they’re performing the opening song from The Lion King.  What is that even all about?

And how does that even happen in Real Life?

Side note #3:  Jaimie charges $55 an hour to carry around all crap.

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I’m in the wrong biz.

Either before or after getting her extensions clipped in for a test-drive (…I forget…) Kallyn got her tongue spray tanned and then Mom rattled off all the recent pageant goodness that totaled up to approximately $2,500 in America dollars.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjI’m seriously in the wrong biz.

The second contestant we met was 3 year old Selyse and her Mom Kim.

Here she is from an upcoming episode of TLC‘s new show Pageant Baby Hoarders:

waldoCan you even find her?  She’s so cute you really need to make the effort.

It’s like the best Where’s Waldo? ever.

Selyse was Kim’s Surprise Birth Control Baby, which I’m assuming meant that she either came as a Gift With Purchase down at Walgreen’s or the pills didn’t do what the doctor said they would do when he wrote the prescription.  Ouch.

Mom didn’t spend much time clarifying the talking points.

Most likely because she had a tooth ache.  Because she had a hole in her tooth.

Because she spent all her money on a tiny pageant dress that cost more than her wedding gown and now she was just going to have to wait until she blacked out from oral nerve damage since she couldn’t afford any Anbesol to take the edge off.

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Regardless, Selyse was born and she’s so cute you really need to try and find her again.

Oh, wait.  There she is.

w2I believe there were a total of 3 children running around the house, but it was hard to tell.

The one who I assume was the brother even dropped what I initially believed to be an ironing board on Selyse’s head, but it turned out to just be a bunch of PVC pipes shaped like an ironing board that were laying around the house.

Because, of course.

The third and final pageant hopeful this week was 4 year old Lilly and her Mom Amber.  And Grandma, who fell in the backyard mud bog/creek before we even learned her name.

Mom was In.  It.  To.  Win.  It.

To the point where she had already spent upwards of $45,00 in American dollars on pageant gear and dry-cleaning for Nana.  Really.  She said that.

Or most of that, anyway.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjAnd then Cambrie showed up wearing some kind of a cross between a Gladiator Vixen and a Forever 21 mannequin and that tie dye fabric they always use instead of dressing room doors in that store where everything is made out of hemp.

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Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Sometimes I swear Cam wears the same size as her clients.  But it’s ok.

Because she’s #Goals.

And she charges $175 for one class.

tumblr_inline_n96vunKMhd1sdanxjCambrie was quick to point out that Jaimie only charges $50+.

But you won’t learn anything.

omggif_zps1bcdb557To burn off some of that snark, we next headed to Cambrie’s Bootcamp Class where everyone was dressed like the Dance Moms Minis.

minisExcept for Jayliana, who refused to wear a stupid gold lamé bow because her hair was looking so fresh.

bowwwShe totally got all like that lady from Bring It!

tumblr_nu0cuxxFiG1tb8iyko1_500Until her Mom scooted her out screaming “I’m Done!” like it really WAS Dance Moms.

tumblr_o0i686Dra91tb8iyko1_500Side note:  Before leaving, Mom made Jayliana recite the 3 things you need in Pageantry:

Smartness.  Beautiful.  And Talent.

Which were so awesomely grammatically nonsensical that if TLC doesn’t give JayBae her own show next year I’m creating a page on Kickstarter.

Somewhere around here was also when Jaimie sent all her little girls to the mall to loiter and perform for random strangers, which sounds way worse than it actually was.

She wanted them to get over their stage fright by physically blocking everyone trying to get into Subway.  And it worked.

Until Selyse didn’t know her routine and got called out in front of everyone, which made Mom lose her nutty right there in front of Radio Shack.

Look at her blocking that total stranger from entering the store.

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 Is that even legal?  No wonder they’re going out of business.

With only a day or so to go before the pageant, there was just enough time for Cambrie to invite her BFF Dallas Lovato to come down and show these little peanuts how to be a STAR.  Because that’s what she does.

A few highlights from the visit:

Cambrie made Dallas wear a bow, too.  I don’t care who you are.

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Dallas wore a stupid bow, came all the way down from wherever to help out and this was the best scroll the production company could come up with.  Look at her face.

dl2Lilly gave an Emmy worthy performance as a Happy Monkey.

hmAnd then her Mom had a Moment.

oprah-cryingJust.  So.  Proud.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for my Boo Tonya Bailey to get this whole jungle-themed Bailey’s Pageant extravaganza started.  The Bailey Bunch is in da house!

You remember Tonya.  She did this once for some reason…

tumblr_lxwljjsatX1qb9pa3o1_500-1And even wore a Swarovski encrusted pirate eye patch one time that was way cooler than the one Bob Costas wore when he got Pink Eye during the Olympics.

costas-eye-patch

With the new 2.0 Upgrade, we got a zillion snippets of performances before the show even started (…which was kind of a Brain F*** to be honest…) but it gave Tonya time to lay down some of the rules and regs and to tell these new Pageant Moms to chillax.

tbFrom the Book of Tonya:

“You paid for someone else’s opinion.”

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“If you don’t have the funds, you might wanna find another hobby.”

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“I’m not going bug eyed, am I?”

tb4No, of course not.

clockwork-orangeWell…maybe just a little.

And Todd was back as emcee!!

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Dolla Dolla Bill, yo.

Tonya’s Boy Toy was back and more jacked up than ever, complete with an inflatable monkey tail that was a little distracting given that there were so many kids in the room.

toddI love Todd, too, in that awkward bromance kind of way.  And…yes…technically I suppose he’s probably more of a husband than a Boy Toy, but this recap is already running way too long for me to keep rehashing the whole Season 6 frosted tips situation…

But that was then.  This is now.

Now Todd’s rocking that buzz cut fade on the side with long hair on the top thing that everyone from Jersey keeps posting on their Instagrams.  You go, boyeeeeee.

Less Boy Band, more guy handing out free Quest Bars at GNC.

Todd 2.0.

Needless to say, it wouldn’t be an episode of T & T if there wasn’t some hotel room pregame panic.  And this time it belonged to Selyse, who was dragging a** until Mom pumped some hi-grade Mega Ultimate Supreme Red Bull into her tank.

And it worked.

One Sip.  Ding.

rbTwo Sips.  Ding Ding.

rb2Three Sips.  Ding Ding Ding.

tb4Look at her in her Snuggie.

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Selyse is literally every girl who ever got dumped in college right after getting her hair did.

Unfortunately, the Red Bull didn’t speed up the car enough, because Selyse missed the entire Beauty portion of the pageant.  Like…didn’t even make it up on stage.

Which made Mom do this…

oh2And then this…

ohAnd then it was over.

Really.

That fast.  Over.

Before we even saw anybody do anything on stage.  What?

Nobody said this was gonna be a 2 parter.

I guess that means we gotta do it again next week to see what happens.

Which is fine by me.

Toddlers is back.

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Dance Moms Video: Freaks Like Me Are Dancing To Beauty And The BEAT. The Todrick Hall ALDC Double Feature.

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2014

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Fix your feet.

And then get your Freak On.

It’s a tale as old as time.

And as tired as that weave, girlfriend.

First, it’s Beauty and the Beast as you’ve never seen it.  And if you’ve already seen it, you need to watch it again.  Because it’s that good.

Warning:  This aint’ Yo Mama’s Belle, tho.  Not even close.  But it is somehow now a Dance Moms Six Degrees of Separation kind of moment.

When youtube sensation Todrick Hall first reinvented this Disney classic, I got a little obsessed with the video.  Not gonna lie.  I posted it and predicted even bigger things for him than dancing down the aisle at Target.

Then Dance Moms came along and Holly and my MomCrush Jill became my new obsessions (…which just sounded way creepier than it really is…I swear…) and you know how that’s been going lately.

Finally, the Freaks Like Me video came out and my worlds collided.  Todrick doing his thang while Holly and Jill did back up dancing?

Yes, please.  And then I’ll have some more if there’s any left.

And today we got word that Todrick is getting his own reality show on MTV next year.

Yaaaaas, hunty.  F’realz.

A TV show.  On that TV station that used to play music videos.

Now I don’t want to say I told you so, but I’m pretty sure I may have also mentioned that whole International Year of the Nia thing a few times and…well…let’s just say I’m 2 for 2.

So to celebrate Todrick’s success and give me a chance to ramble on about Dance Moms during their hiatus (…seriously, is it over yet?  It’s been like forever already…) you really need to watch some Disney in da ‘hood and then Freak Out in the library one more time.

Enjoy.

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And since there’s no such thing as too much Dr. Beyoncé and Principal Jill

(PhD=Pretty Hot Dancing.)

You’re welcome, world.

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Raising Asia: It’s My Blu Ray Birthday Party And I’ll Roller Skate If I Want To. Mama Lets Daddy Take The Wheel.

Saturday, August 16th, 2014

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You’re just a body builder. You don’t understand what it’s like having to stop at every shoe store.

 

 

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I love my Nana Vicky, but if I see one more macaroni and glitter bracelet while she’s here…

 

 

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She’s like 6 years old. She won’t even know I’m taking selfies. Oh…that’s a really good one.

 

 

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No wonder my Mommy acts loopy sometimes. The air is so thin way up here on these heels.

 

 

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AwHellNah. Don’t even tell me I see silver shoes and a gold bow. Do I have to do everything?

 

 

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When I say they all drive me crazy, I don’t mean crazy. I mean Kray-Zee.

 

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Srsly? My kid is gonna be headlining in Vegas by the time this guy posts his damn blog recap.

 

 

 

Finally.

Raising Asia is back.  And the recap is back.

My bad.  A little bit, anyway.

Mostly it was Xfinity’s fault, though.  Blame them.

I guess the deal is that Comcast can show every anatomical naughty bit on Spartacus and Gladiator, but they pixelate Asia Monet Ray.  Or at least that’s what happened last week during some technical drama.

Internet glitches aside, the DVR seems to be working just fine now and I managed to infringe on numerous broadcast copyright laws and extract some hilarious photo sniglets.

So it looks like we’re good to go now.

Let’s get caught up on both weeks, shall we?

What you missed last time: Muscle Dad Shawn and Not So Much Muscle Manager Billy Hufsey met up at an Indian restaurant to compare six packs and argue over who was actually Asia’s biological father.  Billy had crossed the line a few times in the first episode by implying that he spent more time with Asia than her actual father did, and that’s just not something you say with Shawn Ray in the room.

Shawn still looks like he eats the same size servings of rib meat that always tipped over Fred Flintstone‘s car at the Bronto Burger Place and Billy still looks like his hair rubs off on the pillowcases every night.

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My girl Kristie had a few issues with the Reality TV Awards event that Asia was scheduled to attend.  The stage was too small and was clearly not conducive to her usual mini-Beyoncé antics, so at the last minute Kristie and Anthony Burrell toned down some of the sass and everything went just fine.

Shawn still wanted to get more involved in Asia’s career.  Kristie still wanted Shawn to stick to doing the heavy lifting and leave the Momager stuff to the Mom, because that’s why they call them Momagers.  Der.

We also missed Asia doing some math homework at the kitchen table.

6 x 5 = 30.  6 x 6= cop an attitude with yo’ Mama.

I love my iPhone, but clearly Apple and their cell phone calculators are going to be the downfall of Society.  Like Planet of the Apes.  But instead of talking monkeys burning down our cities, it will be kids who can’t count clogging up the 10 Items or Less aisle at Piggly Wiggly.

It’s gonna happen.  And they’ll all have big thumbs from texting too much.

But the most important thing we missed last week was the arrival of Nana Vicky!!

We love Nana Vicky.  Kristitie’s Mom showed up to help run the show while Shawn was off handing out PowerBar samples at GNCs around the country.  (I don’t really know if that’s where he went or not, but I really like Shawn and I really like the blue raspberry drinks at GNC, so it was an inevitable connection.)

Nana Vicky looks like she makes really good pasta.  That’s not an ethnic thing.  Or an age thing.  Or nothing.  It’s just that some people look they would make good pasta.  And probably from scratch the way her best friend taught her one weekend.

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Plus, pasta is good for carbo loading, so you know that Shawn would be all over that idea like white on unprocessed whole grain gluten-free rice.

Nana Vicky, sister Gina and Kristie hit up a quaint little brunch place where Kristie’s marriage and life/work balance were immediately laid out on the table.  Nana cried because she was concerned about the strain that managing Asia’s career was creating between Shawn and Kristie.  Gina was all like Yeah What She Said and then offered up her own unsolicited insights.

Kristie got a little fidgety and I could see her left earring starting to whip around, so you knew what kind of storm was coming.

And then the Lifetime post-production people edited the whole thing to look like Kristie got up from the table, didn’t pay her part of the tab, stole a wine glass and left the building.

Now I know my girl Kristie.  She’s a fire cracker.  Maybe even a loose cannon sometimes.

But she would never bolt on her Mama and sister.  At least not without laying down a twenty to cover her part of the appetizers.

As for the missing glass…I don’t know if she’s hurting for crystal stemwear at home or not.

That’s really none of my business.

And now you’re caught up.  Let’s see how this week went down….

We started out with Kristie putting her superstar through some stretches and back flips up in that converted-bedroom-turned-rehearsal space, where Asia’s flexibility and skill were clearly on display for the world to see.

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Not so much for all the black electrical tape.  Looks like Kristie won that camera crew battle, because all the little pieces of tape blocking top secret government information on Asia’s framed certificates were MIA.  Remember those?  They were like the black bars you put over people’s eyes before you post dirty stuff on Facebook.

I mean, not me.  But some people.

It was all gone.  That’s one point for Kristie, if you’re keeping track.

Downstairs, Nana Vicky was folding warm towels (…they had to be warm, you know, because everything Nana Vicky does is done with love and that always makes everything feel like a hug…) as Kristie answered a call from Anthony.

He was wearing a hat.  You could just tell.

From the moment that Asia’s career began to take off, Anthony and Billy have been at odds on the direction of her trajectory.

Anthony really believes Asia can become the next Beyoncé, while Billy feels that she should focus on being the next Miley Cyrus.  Not the new teddy bear-humping one that always make you feel like you need to floss and Purell your hands when she’s done performing.  Definitely not that one.  That s*** nasty.

Billy’s talking about the old Disney one.  Or something similar.  He even went as far as creating a song (…Spoiler Alert: That Anthony HATES…) on his Garage Band app.

Turns out that Anthony knew Tina Davis, who had previously worked with Chris Brown (…on his music, not his left hook…yeah, I went there…) and it just so happened that she was going to be in town soon.  Maybe Kristie would like to meet her?

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One…I’m very happy with Billy.  Two…I need to go and dangle my kid from 40 feet of red satin.  Buh bye now.

It’s true.  Asia has a freakin’ aerial silk thingamajig contraption in her backyard.  Like Pink swings from during concerts.  And award shows.  And probably the grocery store.

Shut.  Up.  And it even came with fabric, a tool kit and an on-site choreographer.  I’m serious.  Shannon Beach was standing there like she just came out of the same box as the assembly instructions.

As Asia unintentionally strangled herself like Maddie Ziegler in that Sia video creep fest, baby Blu Ray was not happy.  Asia’s little sister wanted to swing around, too, but Mom wouldn’t let her.  This was Asia Time.

How much do we love Blu Ray?  I mean, c’mon.

Nana Vicky to the rescue!  Blu Ray…you wanna do crafts?’  Which is totally code for: You’re In The Way, Gurl.

My code when I was little was: ‘Danny…you want a Pop-Tart?’  I’m sooo on to all you Moms and your tricks now.

As Blu Ray created her 49th pipe cleaner masterpiece and ate some paste (…do kids still do that, or did I just really date myself?…) Asia fell out of the tree and went off to vocal lessons, where we got to see yet another glossy photo of Billy from Fame without his shirt on.  I’m all set that, thanks.

We also got to jam with Asia as she tried out Billy’s new Disney song.  I don’t know what Mom and Daughter really thought about the little ditty, but Billy was into it.

pretty

Into.  It.  Like that Uncle who showed up at your recital.  You know the one.

He was into it, too.

I’m sure that Mr. Hufsey is a pillar of his community.  I just don’t know if it’s Billy’s monotone hair or his eyebrows, or what…but something just screams ‘Uncle.

Next, for a little decompression after the last few hectic days, Kristie and Asia hit the Mall with Jordan Jones and her Mom Kelly.

JJ is Asia’s BFF from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  She’s a really good dancer, but I believe that her fingers are permanently fused into a V-Shape, because I can honestly say I’ve never seen a photo of her when she’s not flashing a Peace Sign.

Unless she’s a Vulcan, of course.  But I think they use all four of their fingers to make that Star Trek gesture if I recall correctly.  And now that you mention it, the Art of the Dance requires emotions, which Mr. Spock didn’t have.  So never mind.  Forget I said anything.

I like JJ’s Mom, too.  Except she always looks like she just changed the pool liner all by herself.  She just always looks tired.  But she gave sage advice to Kristie on how to be a Dance Mom (…Tuesdays @ 9pm…free plug…) and then they all went home.

Somewhere in all that excitement we got to watch Anthony listen to Billy’s new Disney song and lose his marbles.  His hat almost fell off he hated it so much.

And we saw Asia taking some kind of How To Audition class at the I Used To Be On The TV Show Fame Billy Hufsey School For Fame.  I’m not really sure what it’s called, so that may not be 100% correct, but it was definitely one of those kind of places.

Asia read a script and a bunch of people who looked like they had just auditioned to be on a show about auditioning to be on a show watched her and then applauded politely.

Whatever.  We needed to get back home and play dress-up with Blu Ray and Kristie.

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Did I already ask how much we love Blu Ray?  Because we do.

Mom realized that she needed to shift some MomLove over to Blu Ray’s side of the room, so they set aside quality time to wobble around in Jimmy Choos and just be normal.

Blu Ray and I can now both testify that it hurts to be this beautiful.

I’m glad it wasn’t just me.

After snatching back her shoes, Kristie took Asia to dance rehearsal, where slippery Anthony had Tina lurking in the back hallway for an impromptu, unexpected and clearly not appreciated meeting.

Anthony won’t be doing that again.

Finally, it was the build up to Blu Ray’s Birthday!!  And time for Shawn to start playing a bigger role in Asia’s day to day activities.

Day One: Attend a dance rehearsal with Anthony, kick your wife out of the room, watch your kid do a face plant onto her bad knee, deal with your wife running back in and getting all IToldYouSo up in your face and then taking that same kid outside for a heart to heart on why she isn’t allowed to roller skate at her sister’s Birthday Party.

Shawn explained that roller skating was just too dangerous.  One good fall (…Number Two if you count the one she just completed before stepping outside with Dad…) and her WannaBeyoncé career would be over before it even started.

The one thing he didn’t explain was how his shirt got that big tear on the right side of his waistline like someone knifed him on the way over.  What kind of neighborhood do these people live in?

Hopefully Day Two will be better, dude.

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And then the longest pink limo ever rolled up to take everyone to the party.  The whole gang was there, ready for manis, pedis and some roller derby action.

After a quick trip to the spa, everyone hit the rink for pizza and skating.  Even Nana Vicky and Gina were up for getting down tonight, along with whoever that lady with all the blonde ’80s hair was.  Yikes.  If you look quick, I swear that Kristie tried to push Gina down, but that could be editing again or Gina taking too long getting her wheels going.

Asia looked a little mopey watching the festivities from the sidelines, but she explained it away by letting us know that someday when she was more famous than you, she would buy the whole damn rink and make everyone pay to watch her skate in a circle.

Divas to the Skate Floor.

Side note:  Originally, Kristie had intended to pull Asia out of the party early for a photo shoot, but I knew she wouldn’t.

Girlfriend loves her family…and cake…way too much to leave leftovers on the table.

And it’s not a Birthday without presents, right?  Surprise!!

Blu Ray got a life-size pink car that she and Asia immediately confiscated and drove out the front door like bank robbers.  Apparently roller skating is too dangerous for an upcoming mega-star, but driving a Barbie Hummer straight into oncoming traffic is not.

Because that’s what almost happened until Shawn jumped a hydrant and saved the day.

Hit the gas, Blu Ray.

Next stop:  Planet Hollywood.

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