Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Abby’

Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Werking It And Walking It Back To Hollywood For The Battle Of The Rising Pop Stars.

Wednesday, April 8th, 2015

m

 

 

Did she just say DALLAS? That was my favorite show. I totally need a selfie with Sue Ellen.

 

 

k

 

 

Whoa. Hold up, Grandma. I don’t care if you are Korean. Nobody touches the hair.

 

 

md1

 

 

Psst. Just pretend you’re a drunk and your sister shot JR or we’ll never get out of here today.

 

 

js

 

 

And you think the racist Korean part doesn’t make any sense? What the **** is happening today?

 

 

md

 

 

Probably not as tired as you are of people still calling you ‘Demi Lovato’s Sister.’ We done?

 

jv

 

 

 

If God wanted me to read contracts and credit card bills, He would’ve made the print a lot bigger.

 

al

 

 

 

We need to wrap this thing up and find a Dairy Queen. Mama’s blood sugar levels are dropping.

 

 

 

Werk It.  Walk It.

Werk It.  Walk It.

And while you’re at it, maybe you should Sign It.

Or at least Read It.  Because you’re in Hollywood now, baby.

Dance Moms was back on the West Coast again this week for ALDC LA: The Sequel.

After less than stellar results during their first trip to California, Abby Lee Miller and Co. had gone home, regrouped, rehearsed and reapplied spf50 and were now back in sunny CA with a reenergized vengeance for Round Two.  With dreams of First Place trophies, Pop Stardom and a franchise that would someday rival a Starbucks on every corner, Abby was looking to mark her turf in a big way this time around.

And nothing was going to stand in her way.

Except maybe the Pyramid of Shame.  Because that always takes priority, even when it’s relocated to the mirrors at the top of 3rd St. Dance Studios.  ALL the way at the top.

(Holy Leg Day, Batman.  You mean to tell me that Abby couldn’t have rented an empty room on the ground floor somewhere?  You see how many stairs they had to climb?  Six floors up and no elevator.  And you know Jill‘s Louis bag weighs a ton with all the crap she carries around on a daily basis.) nh

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Pretty low key this week due to the change in temperature from Pittsburgh to California.  Trust me, Los Angeles humidity doesn’t really lend itself to fur and feathers unless it’s Pride Week.  But Mama V was still getting it done, despite that one uncomfortable head shot confessional where the makeup girl put too much bronzer on her face and forgot the rest of her neck.  Anyone else see that?  But she’s my MomCrush and that makeup girl is out of a job now, anyway.

So, yeah.  Jill’s awesome.

As the gang caught their breath after scaling Mt. Staircase, somebody mentioned that Mackenzie had accompanied Abby around the city to scout out locations for the new ALDC studio.  Apparently Melissa has been secretly homeschooling her kid for a real estate license all this time in case the whole MackZ gangsta rap thing doesn’t work out.

Always have a back-up plan, kids.  The More You Know.

ALDC Fashion Watch:  Now the girls were all in teal ensembles.  Seriously?  Somebody needs to pick a color and stick with it, or my team mascot costume isn’t gonna make any sense when I unveil it at the Reunion Show.

Bottom of the Pyramid was nothing but Mackenzie flying solo.

The only thing worse than being on the bottom of the Pyramid is being the ONLY person on the bottom of the Pyramid.  Ouch.  But she can find you a duplex with walk-in closets and a view of the Pacific Ocean at below market rate.  So whatever.

The Middle Tier was home to Kalani, Nia and Kendall, which meant that the Top Spot was shared by JoJo and Maddie.

mz1

JoJo had taken First Place with her solo last week, while Maddie had not even been in the building.  But Saturday Night Live always trumps anything in the Real World.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Boom.  That was it.

This week the gang was headed to another New York Dance Experience (…in Anaheim, so the name made no sense whatsoever…) where they would once again be critiqued live on stage after each routine by a selection of judges with microphones.

Spoiler Alert:  Yaaaaaaas, Hunty!  I bit that apple and almost choked on it before spitting it back out.  The Sas was Back!  You just sit yo’self back down and wait until showtime.

After all the MattyB drama that ensued the last time they were in California (…resulting in Five Hundred QuaTrillion youtube hits and his own Toys ‘R Us spray cologne by now, no doubt…) all the Moms really hoped to start this trip with a clean slate.  There really wasn’t time for any unnecessary stress considering that Kendall and Nia were getting ready to shoot their first pop music videos and Maddie was still fighting jet lag after flying around the world on Shia LaBeouf‘s private concord.

The Battling Pop Stars both scored solos.  Kendall’s Waiting’ and Nia’s ‘Never Knew’ dance would put the girls head to head not only on stage but also on the iTunes download charts.  Everyone was pretty excited, I gotta say.

The group dance, called ‘Together We Stand’ was Abby’s attempt at pulling everyone back into one United State of Dance.  Putting a splintered ALDC team on stage during their previous Hollywood trip had definitely not worked out very well, so hopefully parading out one big happy family would score higher with the judges this time around.

mz

Oh.  And did we mention that on Friday everyone was going to an Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato‘s sister Dallas?  OMG!

I know, right?  Demi Lovato’s sister.  Who was born in Dallas.  And her name is Dallas.

Shut.  Up.  It’s true.  Because it’s on the internet.  And she was the voice of some animal in some show about a Little Penguin which I’m sure was delightful.

Because penguins are delightful.  Especially little ones.

Needless to say, when Abby unleashed that bit of news on the girls everyone screamed and wet themselves faster than I would if Rachelle Rak ever followed me on Twitter.

Which she did.  And which I may have.  So there’s that, I guess.

As the girls all got down to dance biz, the Moms all headed next door to a fake MomPerch (…complete with a closed-circuit plasma screen like the ones they use in federal prisons…) to watch their kids rehearse and argue about the need for showbiz contracts.

Basically, there was a lot of creative control/legal mumbo jumbo back and forth between Holly and Jill for the remainder of the episode.  Nia had already begun her pop star bootcamp, so Holly was simply trying to pass on what she felt was valuable insider information, but unfortunately most of it just irritated Jill and made Melissa do that rapid eye blink thing she does when people start yelling around her.

Melissa wears contacts, right?  Didn’t we discuss that a long time ago?nh1

Let’s be honest.  The only thing that really mattered was when Abby came in and told Jill that she had already burned through $57,000 on Kendall’s career in just this month alone.

Fifty.  Seven.  With Three Zeroes after it.

Ok.  I just Googled “Gold Grills” and you can purchase what they call a starter grill for only $500.  So what the hell?

Side note:  My search history now includes WhoIsDallasLovato, MattyB videos, shows on Nickelodeon, glitter spandex, oversized hair bows for crazy little girls, the weather during Pride Week, HowHotIsItInsideTeamMascotHeads, gangster rap and cheap gold grills.

I’m so going to jail if Chris Hansen ever finds my hard drive.

Quick.  Let’s lighten the mood and go visit Mikey Minden, Nia’s video choreographer.

Who.  Is.  Fabulous.  Dot.com.

Werking It.  Walking It.  Werking It.  Walking It.

Honestly, the only thing more Fabulous than Mikey were Holly’s Fabulous HollyFaces whenever Mikey opened his Fabulous mouth.

Imagine a long hallway.  Holly looked down the long hallway.  Imagine you back dat thang up against the mirror and shimmy down it like I don’t know what.  Holly looked all around the room like when you point a laser pen at a cat.  Imagine you snatch the microphone and then get all like Hey I just snatched the microphone.  Holly snatched the microphone.  mm

Imagine Janet Jackson‘s makeup artist doing Nia’s face for the video.  Holly couldn’t breath.  Imagine Nia getting her hair done by Katy Perry‘s hair stylist.  Holly blacked out for a minute and almost hit her head.

Side note:  When Mikey wiped himself all over the mirror I made a mental note to start cleaning my shower doors the same way from now on.

I bet even his Scrubbing Bubbles are Fabulous.

Love me some Mr. Minden.  Dude.  Is.  Faaaaaabulous.

When Holly finally picked herself up off the floor, she pointed out that THIS is what LA is all about.  Hollywood, baby.  Hollywood!

Gurrrrrl, pleez.  Free hair AND getting your face painted like a Rhythm Nation dancer?

You are preaching to the choir, sistah.

How could it get any better than this, you ask?

Maybe we should scoot over to the Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato’s sister and see.

Part acting seminar, part timeshare sales pitch and part off-site retail commission training at the Ramada, Dallas put the girls through every audition hoop she could think of to prepare them for life outside the studio.

Side note:  Dallas didn’t look anything like any of the pictures from Google.

After name dropping Selena Gomez a few times, Dallas had each girl pick a random character that was floating around in their head and then do an impromptu group scene.c1

One.  Kalani chose the dumbest sales clerk I’ve ever seen, so I’m assuming it was someone from Abercrombie & Fitch.  The scent they pipe out through the air ducts in that store makes you stupid.  It’s true because I wrote it and now it’s on the internet forever.

Two.  Maddie was tired, but nothing else really mattered after JoJo chose ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ because, well…I mean…Elderly Korean Woman.  C’mon.

I just can’t.  The fact that ‘EKW’ was even on the menu inside JoJo’s sparkle-filled brain was almost more than I could handle.  I was also relieved to find out that after all these years, I’m not the only person relying on my inner ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ when faced with awkward social situations.

YouSoPrettyLady.

I swear.  JoJo is my Spirit Animal now.  It’s like we’re twins or something.

You just need to watch it.

Side note:  JoJo taking at-home Korean lessons somehow made getting Root Touch-Up in your Christmas stocking seem less odd.  I’m so in love with her Mom Jessalynn now that I should probably go back and edit out about 98% of the smack I said about her in my old Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition recaps.

Seriously.  When did Jess get so damn funny?

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for a new Lighting Director.

Did you see all that harsh lighting in the auditorium?  And even some of the last confessional thingamajigs?  What are they using lately…sunlamps?

rr

You could tell my girl Rachelle was not happy at all.  How’s a bitch supposed to get all Sas-y when she’s sitting under a bulb that looks like a Star Trek transporter?  Beam me up to Home Depot, Scotty, so I can get some soft focus incandescents.

And how about all those little babies in the front row?  What was that all about?

Where were their parents?

Side note:  The stage was ginormous but the wall logo was a tiny iPhone home screen app.  Really.  A tiny little square sitting on the floor.  Go figure.

Nia and Kendall’s solos both went really well.  The emcee was Super Pregnant in a sequined dress.  Or at least I hope she was.  I apologize in advance for any insensitivity if she wasn’t.  But if she was pregnant, I think it might be time for flats because those stilettos were giving me third trimester anxiety.

Plot Twist:  Turns out that Holly and Nia didn’t have any signed contracts either.  What the what?  That sudden realization made Jill say something that got bleeped out and reminded me of the time she threw a shoe across the room.

Some days I really miss Cowboy Hat Jill.

Backstage before the group routine, Abby had just enough time for a quick Q&A.

Q:  What do you think a lot of money is?

A:  (Maddie) A Billion Million!  Go Big or Go Home, yo.  (JoJo)  Less than that.

jsw

And maybe a pony.

The point was to make sure the entire team realized how much bankroll Abby was investing in their careers.  No pressure, of course.  Especially you, Kendall.

And you’re $57,000 whatever.

Then the ALDC hit the stage for their final dance of the night.  Which was lyrical.  Because that’s their thing again.

And I stand corrected.  Abby got Kendall a starter grill AND paid someone off to pump her new iTunes song through the loud speakers before the awards ceremony.  So that was $57,000 well spent.

At the end of the day, Nia took Third Place and Kendall scored First.  Awesome!

Maybe it was just from sitting under the hot lights for an entire competition, but I thought Abby had said that the girls were going up against each other in a Battle of the Pop Stars and yet they ended up getting two different awards in two different age categories.

I will never understand DanceMath.

All in all, given their previous adventures in Hollywood, everyone was pretty happy with the results as the whole thing shut down for the day.

Both Kendall and Nia’s music careers were starting to percolate.  The Moms were all kinda sorta getting along.  And JoJo even offered to take everyone out for Korean food.

YouSoHungryLady.

Werk.

nia 2

CCBj9dUWAAAmAhu

Dance Moms: Boyz In Da Hood? It’s The Revenge Of The Candy Apples When Cathy Unleashes All Her Man Candy On The Starbound Stage.

Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

 

 

We’re gonna rid this town of every Candy Apple in existence, even if I have to eat them all myself!

 

 

 

 

 

Please. When I open my eyes, Vivi-Anne is suddenly a mean dancing machine. Is that really asking too much, Lord?

 

 

 

 

Umm. Hellooo? My Mom said there’d be M&Ms on stage…? And shouldn’t someone be picking me up by now?

 

 

 

 

 

Sweet Jeezis. This really is my life.

 

 

 

 

 

You go there. And honey, you go there. Now just pretend to be as Fierce as we are…and good luck with that, bitches.

 

 

 

This week’s Dance Moms DVR Drinking Game?

Take a shot every time Abby Lee Miller said “Clean Sweep.”

Just be sure to program your Comcast box to keep the recording for a future viewing before the festivities begin, because the first time around it’s pretty much a guarantee you’ll miss approximately 55 minutes of the show due to blacking out from alcohol poisoning before the first commercial break.

It’s true.  Abby wanted a Clean Sweep this week when she went up against her Evil Nemesis Chaos Cathy Nesbitt and all those rotten to the core Candy Apples dancers.

And she made certain that we all knew it.

Over.  And over.  And over again.

After wiping the dance floor with most of the other studios at last week’s event, Abby was looking to continue the winning streak as the ALDC headed to Myrtle Beach for what I believe was their 4,386th trip to a Starbound National Talent Competition.

Though the trophies and bragging rights are always a nice touch, this trip to Starbound was not going to be complete unless Abby could return with Cathy’s head securely mounted to one of those Things Remembered mall plaques that they always give out with that folded t-shirt during the award ceremony.

(See…and you didn’t think I paid attention during the last five minutes of the show.)

But even plotting the downfall of an adversary has to wait until the Pyramid of Shame is revealed, so in pranced all Abby’s little dancers.  All the little dancers except for Paige that is, who did more of a Budweiser Clydesdale kind of clomp due to her left foot still being strapped inside that walking boot.  The injury from her backwards somersault belly flop onto concrete seemed to be healing nicely, but it was definitely cutting into her dance routine and sort of slowing down the cafeteria line as well.

But they all made it in eventually, and Abby immediately started ripping off the photo covers like an exceptionally sturdy Price Is Right girl.

Bottom row was made up of Brooke, Paige and Mackenzie.  No real shockerzzz.

Brooke was in the basement because her back was still sore from slouching and moping around about boys.  Anyone who ever got dissed at a Junior High cafetorium dance can relate to her teen sourpuss face, so I won’t get all up in her grill just yet.

Been there.  Done that.  Just knock it off before Graduation Day.

Paige was right there next to Brooke because of the whole concrete face plant fiasco.  If you don’t dance, there ain’t many spots available, so she was ok with her third place status.

MacAttack was bringing up the rear because she cried like a little kid.  Which is what she is.  But for reasons that escape me, that logic doesn’t fly in the Dance World.

Second row was all about Maddie and Chloe.

Now even though Maddie had basically taken every trophy off the lobby display table last time and still somehow found the time to clog my television screen with 57 commercials for Drop Dead Diva, she had actually only won her title by 6 1/2 points…and Abby wanted 20.  So hang on the second row and see how that one feels, missy.

Chloe needed more intensity.  And she also needed to get her a** out of the way because Sasha Nia was coming through, beeotch.

Dat’s rite.  Girlfriend made it to the top, thanks to her channeling RuPaul’s Drag Race and getting all LaQuifa Part II on the judges.

Mom Holly chest bumped a few of the other Moms and almost went into her Arsenio Dawg Pound impersonation she was so excited.

I love when Holly puts the Doctorate back in her purse and goes all VH1 on people.

Since Kendall still fell under Abby’s “guest” status, and Mom Jill was still having some pretty serious styling issues with her new haircut, they both got nothing but attitude.

Sorry.  No room at the Pyramid Inn.

Besides being top o’ the heap, Nia was also named Dance Captain, which I honestly thought was a title only given out on Gay Cruise Boats.  But I was mistaken.

As she explained her duties, I was so distracted by her headpiece that I missed most of the deets.

Now I love me some Nia.  It’s well documented.  But WTF was that thing on her head?

Seriously.  If that wasn’t a BeDazzled Maxi-Pad I’m quitting my blogging job.

As the Moms all trotted up to the Perch, everyone got down to rehearsing.  The group number was another one of Abby’s poorly veiled salutes to Maddie’s superiority, this time disguised as a Children of the Corn Cult thing where the other mediocre girls try and bring Maddie down to their level by tying a funeral bonnet on her head.

Christi smelled that one coming, and quickly jumped right up Melissa‘s skirt and down her throat at the same time.

Now I watch a lot of Bravo TV.  Probably too much.  But let me tell you, a few Jersey Housewives could take a page out of Melissa’s Flip Out Book, because somehow a discussion on Amish headwear suddenly turned into a full on BitchFest.

You’re a Bitch.  You’re a Bitch.  And you’re a Bitch.  No, you’re a Bitch. Oprah says you’re all Bitches and here’s your present!

I lost track of what happened about midway through the argument.

But trust me, I was paying full attention when Christi accused Melissa of living with a married man.  And by the time Melissa shrieked that she did NOT have an affair with her boss, I expected Andy Cohen to burst through the glass doors and push Teresa back down in her chair.

Say it with me:  Prostitution Whore.

It was like all my worlds were colliding.  If I smoked I would have gone out on the fire escape to regroup.

The next day, needless to say, Melissa and the girls were a no-show, much to Abby’s chagrin.  Do the math.  They were now short two dancers.

As the Great White known as Jill once again began circling the blood in the water, we jumped on the tractor and headed to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair, where Chaos Cathy was unveiling her plan to bring down the ALDC.  Again.

Noticeably missing was my favorite bad a** red haired Mom, who must have been getting her roots done or the Harley detailed.

Love.  Her.

Luckily, though, she was replaced by one of those women you always see in country music videos standing on the porch with a baby on her hip, waiting for her cheatin’ no good man to come home smelling like restroom perfume.

No clue who this Mom was, but she needed to get a better grip on that infant, because he looked like he was slipping off the burp rag on her shoulder.  Being blessed myself with a substantial noggin, I know how hard it is to maintain an upright position after a warm bottle.

To guarantee a win at Starbound, Cathy had brought back everyone’s favorite plain and peanut M&Ms, Mitchell and Michael, to choreograph the Candy Apples dance numbers and to just generally wander around the Jerky Store being fabulous.

Knowing that male DNA almost always ensures a higher judge’s score, Cathy had also snagged some stray boy that she found dancing down at the General Store and was pairing him up with that little ginger kid Justice in a Mad Men kind of office routine. 

Cathy and the M&Ms wanted to give Justice a…“male friend”…which sounded a little too Dance Captain for my liking, considering that the kid doesn’t even own a hair comb yet.

Inappropriate Skee Ball on the Lido Deck, anyone?

Back in civilization, Nia had finally tracked down the MIA Maddie and everyone got back to bidnezz.

After chastising Maddie for being born into a family where the parents still decided what the kids can and cannot do, Abby received a top secret call on the BatPhone from a Starbound snitch who filled her in on all the Candy Apples dirt.  When she realized that Cathy had put an Apple into every category that the ALDC was signed up for, she made a bee line to Melissa and tried to get Maddie an overnight solo routine.

Since Melissa was still peeved about the whole sleeping with her Boss thing, she refused.  Insert more drama here _____________.

Two totally unrelated points before we hit the actual competition…

What is in that big, fat envelope that Melissa always carries around with her?  Is it a coupon thing or something?  It kind of reminds me of the envelopes that New York City vagrants always carry that are stuffed full of every lost or stolen bank card they find still sticking out of the ATM slot.  I just need to know for some reason.

And secondly, did you see Mackenzie’s Snookie hair?

You tell me that Jill didn’t have Bump-It envy.  I don’t know how that little tyke even sat up straight for that camera shot.  It was the Über Snookie.

Finally it was Showtime.

It was hard to make the usual windblown Desperate Housewives entrance that Abby always likes to make into the hotel lobby, given that this shindig was being held at a high school.  Getting there is usually half the fun for Abby, so I could tell she was a little disappointed in the venue.

The Candy Apples have apparently adopted one of those fraternity type rituals, much like the Olympic athletes who all get matching tattoos.  But since none of the Moms would sign the waver for getting inked, all the kids showed up with one lone curler in their hair.

I know, right?  Say it wasn’t just me that saw that.

I swear even Justice was styling his carrot top with a foam roller.  The cheap kind that Monique would pop into your weave down at that salon next to the Target store.

I won’t lie.  Sometimes my attention to insignificant details tends to keep me up at night.

There was no actual high rise stage for this competition, much like the last hotel ballroom set up.  But instead of that rogue housekeeping cart I obsessed about last week, this time I was waiting for one of those AV Club rolling TV stands to wobble half way across the gym floor and then come to a stop right in front of Vivi-Anne.

Oooh.  Cartoons!

At least that would have finally given her something to do on stage, since Cathy has yet to figure out any significant purpose for her daughter being out there once the music starts.  Sooner or later there is going to be a number that does not require hoisting spacey Vivi-Anne up like a bag of Columbian coffee, and Cathy is gonna be screwed.

Chloe did a good job on her Leave the Lights On solo.  I think it would have been funnier to have her dressed in a Motel 6 chambermaid outfit, unless you don’t live near a Motel 6 and have never heard their “We’ll Leave The Light On” radio commercials.  Then it wouldn’t be as funny.

Justice came out with no shirt and lifted one leg up a lot.

Sorry dude.  That’s Dance Moms: Miami territory.  And you’re no Lucas.

Plus it was a little creepy given all that Dance Captain innuendo.

The ALDC Amish Corn Kids number went well.  Brooke managed to tie Maddie’s grey bonnet on without cutting off her oxygen supply, so that was a good thing.

Right when the Candy Apples were going to lug Vivi-Anne onto the dance floor Cathy realized that the prop was missing from center stage.  Screaming from the audience was a nice touch.

One of the M&Ms flitted around like a Pride Parade grand marshall, grabbed a Staples folding office chair and flung it onto the stage.  Crisis averted.

I’m not sure if he was the plain or peanut M&M, but there was definitely some hard candy shell going on down there during the whole process.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Backstage, as usual, the whole thing deteriorated into Cathy vs. anyone and everyone.

Honestly, if it wasn’t for Jill’s weekly hair style updates, I would swear I’ve been watching the same episode for two years.  Do you think Lifetime is just messing with us?

Screaming.  Yelling.  Cathy suggesting that the ALDC kids never go to school.

Needless to say, Melissa was just having an all around bad week and therefore had no problem laying into Cathy, which resulted in more screaming and yelling.

Someone get Andy Cohen on standby, because it was almost Bravo-worthy.

Almost.

Dance Moms: Paige Gets The Boot And Jill Gets Her Bump-It Back When The ALDC Heads To Starbound. Break A Leg, Ok? Or Maybe Both Of Them.

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

 

 

Sing along. I’m Bringing Bump-Its Back. Them other Dance Moms don’t know how to act.

 

 

 

 

Shut. Up. I would kill for a juicy drumstick as big as that boot Paige is wearing. Literally. I would kill someone for it.

 

 

 

 

 

Soon. Very soon, baby girl. My Master Plan is slowly falling into place…bone by broken bone.

 

 

 

 

When I close my eyes, Kendall is a really famous dancer. And I’m on “Knots Landing” wearing shoulder pads and fur.

 

 

 

 

 

Just. Shoot. Me.

 

 

 

 

 

Alouette, Gentille Alouette.

That’s French.

French for “I’ll break ALL your legs if it will help my kid get in the Group Number.”

Knowledge.  The More You Know.

So stay in school kids.  And run like the freakin’ wind if you see Jill Vertes coming in your direction, because Mama will do whatever it takes to get Kendall into the ALDC and you do NOT want to get in her way.

That also pretty much just summed up the latest episode of Dance Moms, so if you’re short on time you can go now.  You’ll miss all the hilarity, but you got the gist of what happened.

For the rest of you with time to kill at work, here we go.

Fresh off a victorious trip to Lancaster, where Abby Lee Miller and her tiny tot dancers brought home oodles of high scores and displayable shiny hardware, it was time to prep for yet another Starbound National Talent Competition.

But as you know…and say it with me…nothing can get done until the Pyramid of Shame is revealed, so Abby whistled everyone into the studio like livestock at a farm bankruptcy auction and got down to bidnezz.

However, during the pointe shoe platoon of mom and daughter soldiers falling into formation it was glaringly apparent that they were missing Kelly, her crazy a** haircut and Paige.

As you will recall last time in Lancaster, Paige had decided to rehearse her backwards whatchamacallit in the makeup room.  Now, personally, I didn’t need to actually see the hotel construction blueprints to know that there was probably nothing but solid concrete under the synthetic carpet squares, but for reasons we may never know Paige shot backwards like a Slinky when you flip it down a staircase and immediately doinked her toe.

Turned out she didn’t just doink it, she really doinked it.  Which explained why she and Mom were still at the doctor’s office having all the little piggies on Paige’s left foot scoped out.

But even if the doctor had to cut that thing off at the ankle with no anesthesia, the Pyramid must go on.  So chop chop, girls.

The bottom row was all about Paige, Mackenzie and Chloe.

Proving that even when you’re MIA you can get knocked down a peg or two, Paige was at the bottom because of that backwards whatchamacallit.  I guess Abby’s reasoning was that compared to a potentially career ending face plant on solid concrete, having your photo taped to the bottom of the Pyramid wouldn’t seem so bad.

Mackenzie was there basically because she was Mackenzie.  Love the MacAttack.  No matter how many times Abby pokes her with a stick, Mack just pokes with her tongue through one of those missing tooth spots and goes on like a trooper.

Chloe was there to make room for Maddie at the top, even though Abby didn’t actually verbalize it quite like that.  But I’m psychic, and I knew.

Middle row was all about Brooke, her teenage angst and Nia.

Now that you bring it up, even Brooke’s headshot looks a little mopey.  It’s a pretty photo and all, but it kind of looks like something that would be attached to the resumé of some young soap opera ingenue who’s had a rough start to life in Pine Valley, if you know what I mean.  She’s already really pretty, but Girlfriend needs to get her smile muscles to work as hard as her core.  She also needs to pop an Advil and foam roll her back muscles, because she was hurting this week.

Nia werq’d it last week with her Laquifa What? sequel, but again…the whole Maddie thing threw a wrench into that climb up the hill.

Finally, Top Spot was again reserved for Maddie, and I hope you all do a better job of faking a surprised look when they throw you a birthday party in the office breakroom next year than you did at that reveal.

MackAttack, Brooke and Maddie all got solos for the competition.  But more importantly, for the first time after begging for years and years…Chloe finally got her duet with Paige.

One minor KidSpaz later, the excitement was quickly dialed down about 100 notches when Paige klunked into the studio wearing one of those Terminator walking boots on her busted foot.

Yeah.  That duet wasn’t gonna happen.

At least not for 4 to 6 weeks anyway.  No dancing for Paige.  Just soft beachy curls and note taking.  Breaking her toe also seemed to have cut into her age-inappropriate hairstyling regimen, because Paige’s ‘do didn’t seem to irritate me as much as it had in the last few weeks.  Granted, it was still borderline fake I.D. photo that you buy on the pier at Hampton Beach and then try to scuff up to make it look like you’ve had it in your purse forever, but yeah…it was definitely more chillaxed.

So, have you been reading about how all these baby seals are congregating on New England beaches this summer?  And how all these great white sharks are now smelling them and swimming really close to the shore to try and eat them all?

Well.  Stick a Bump-It on one of those great whites, shove it in a mini-van, set its GPS for Pittsburgh…and there you have it.

Jill was back.  Again.  And she smelled the blood in the water.

The podiatrist had barely even licked the x-ray envelope shut and Jill was already in the building trying to slip Kendall into the group number.  She actually swooped down so quickly I thought she might break Paige’s other foot in her haste to get some lipstick on her kid and shove Kendall into Abby’s face.

Under the guise of being there to “take a class,” Jill booted Kendall out of the studio and then swam up to crippled baby seal Paige, who I’m pretty certain started to scribble Save Me in her notepad and then slowly held it up towards the camera lens like a kidnap victim does in the back window of a getaway car.

After telling Paige how sorry she was about her foot, in much the same tone of voice I would use if I was proclaiming how sorry I was that all those Krispy Kreme donuts fell off the truck onto my doorstep unharmed and still warm, Jill scooted up to the Mom Perch to get under everyone’s skin.

Side note.  If this whole dance thang doesn’t work out, it’s probably good to know that Christi has a future in cartoon voiceovers.

I’m just throwing this one out there in case she is ever looking for additional income to put towards all her glitter tops, because I swear the woman channeled Grover from Sesame Street when she started worrying about Kendall now having a spot on the Pyramid.

Or Yoda, maybe.  I couldn’t decide.

Place on Pyramid, She Has.

In the midst of all this hub bub, Maddie had to fly out to Atlanta to film her scenes on Drop Dead Diva, because otherwise Lifetime wasn’t going to be able to run 72 commercials for the show during this episode.

Seriously.  Lifetime.  We get it.

On the other hand, Kelly didn’t get The Diary of Anne Frank, which was the theme for Brooke’s solo.  Going forward, she may want to keep in mind that Holly is a school principal and the freakin’ book was required 5th grade reading, because Holly’s face alone was worth the price of admission.

Not to mention that they even made a comic book out of it, lady.

Since someone else was now going to have to shimmy around with Chloe in the duet, Abby threw together what I guess you would call an audition.  She figured it would be in her best interest to fake one out instead of just telling Nia NO and then giving it to Kendall, because you know how Al Sharpton somehow always magically shows up like an ambulance chaser every time something like that goes down.

While working on the costumes for the Alouette themed group number, Holly saw what was happening in the auditions and wasn’t liking it.  She probably also wasn’t liking all the distractions of the Secret Moms on the other side of the Perch.  They were exceptionally active this week.

And who are these people?  Do we ever get to see them?  They’re like that other side of the island on LOST or something.   If one of them doesn’t do an impromptu puppet show off the back of the couch or stick a sign up behind Melissa‘s head pretty soon, I’m going to be really disappointed.

Finally, all the Moms put down their French costume scraps and went downstairs to get all up in Abby’s grill about Kendall and Jill again.  The usual.

The best part was Holly twirling Nia’s beret around on her finger like some crazy Mime who’ll cut you if you don’t drop 5 Euros in her tin can.  I love Holly.

Then there was about 15 minutes of Jill hissy fits, Jill outfits and Jill hairstyles.

Not for nothing, but I’m starting to think that the girls down at the salon didn’t really walk Jill through what to do with her hair when they’re not around, because every time we saw her she was trying something else in an attempt to get a handle on it.  But she brought the Bump-It back, and that’s really all that matters.

Maddie’s trip to Atlanta was just a show within a show for a few minutes, and a cleverly disguised commercial before we broke for the real DDDiva commercial.

Well played, Lifetime.

Finally it was Show Time!

This time around, the competition was set up in the hotel ballroom on one of those parquet floors they roll out for bar mitvahs and receptions.  No platform.  No nuthin.

Full disclosure, I was secretly hoping that a rogue housekeeping cart would roll across the middle of the stage at some point, with one of those delightfully crazy women with Windex in her apron pocket and a pillow under one arm running after it screaming like she works at Taco Bell.

But no such luck.

The group Mime number went off without a hitch, or a Room Service tray, so that was a good thing.  I wasn’t quite sure what was happening with Abby’s hair when they cut to one of her interview shots right after the number…guess somebody forgot their conditioner that day.  Whoa.

Brooke’s back continued to act up until all she could do was lay face down on the floor, which seemed kind of counterproductive since most chiropractors tell you to lay on your back when it hurts to align your spinal cord.  But whatever.

Kelly finally got her Mom Courage up and pulled Brooke’s number, figuring that risking paralysis is probably not worth the souvenir Starbound t-shirt.

That resulted in another throw down between pretty much all the Moms, the kids and that lady with the Windex.  Abby swore that Kelly and Brooke were in cahoots to pull the number because they were scared of the level of competition that was out on the parquet, which deteriorated into Abby’s declaration that “Lazy Gets You Nowhere!” which in turn gave us one of Holly’s patented Whatchoo Talkin’ About Willis? faces.

Did I mention that I love her?

Maddie’s solo was entitled “This Is Me Over You” which was Abby’s poorly veiled middle finger flip to all the other girls.  And it didn’t go unnoticed.  I feel sorry for the kid, because she hates that Abby keeps rubbing her successes into the faces of all her little friends, and she really does try to not get all Mini Diva on them.  But Abby won’t let up.

It’s really gotten to the point where I swear that if Abby had any upper body strength she would pick up Maddie like the Lion King baby and let all the other gazelles gather ’round in awe.

By the way, if you want to know the results of the competition, you may want to Google a site that has a clue what they’re talking about.  All I know is that the emcee changed his tie in the middle of the show.  What was that all about?

By the time it was all over, Brooke was still face down, Jill was still phutzing with her hair and wishing that Brooke had been in more severe pain earlier in the week so Kendall could have moved in for the kill and Abby was still hugging Maddie so hard that I thought the kid’s head would pop off like one of Kelly’s wine corks.

For a little more salt in the wound, Abby then requested that Maddie show everyone her DDDiva routine.  Because she’s Maddie.  And they’re not.

Next thing I knew there was so much Mom Meltdown going on that my next door neighbor pounded on the wall thinking I was having a party.

Somebody screamed something about Role Models.  Christi accused Abby of sabotaging her daughter.  Abby called Chloe a Sneak or a Snake or both.  Christi called Abby a Whore.  Four times, I believe.

Oh Snap.  She went there.

Then Chloe cried, which set off all the other girls like dominos.  Melissa yanked Maddie out of the room like there was  a shoe sale in the lobby and Holly did another ‘Willis face or two.  Maybe more.

Abby then implied that Brooke was past her prime and may never dance again.  You can figure out how Kelly reacted to that one on your own.

Jill just sat back and took it all in, knowing that the more blood that they spill in the room, the closer to the shore she and Kendall can swim.

It got tense.  The kind of tense that smelled like dancing baby seal meat.

And Mama’s hungry.


%d bloggers like this: