Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Reunion’

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye.

Wednesday, May 11th, 2016

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Does that fool even watch the show before he writes his blog? None of this makes any sense.

 

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You try finding a sitter in LA. They’re all at the beach or waiting tables until they get a call back.

 

 

 

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Dunno if it’s all this screaming or my new glasses, but something’s about to give me a stroke.

 

 

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My old gig shaving beards off burly lumberjacks don’t seem so scary now, does it? Girl, pleez.

 

 

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I know if they put this graphic over my new dress one more time, Imma need to see that little man in the headset asap.

 

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Not quite so tight, honey. Mama’s still not wearing a bra.

 

 

 

 

Hello.

And Goodbye.

Now sit yo’self down and stay there, please.  Because it’s time.

Time for big hair and even bigger drama as all your favorite Dance Moms put on their fancy clothes and head back down into that mysterious underground bunker for another Reunion Special.

Season 6 is half in the bag.  Let’s see how it’s gone so far, shall we?

Once Abby Lee Miller shows up, I mean.

Dat’s rite.  Tardy for the Party.  Again.

Abby was just pulling into the parking lot as the Moms all finished up hair and makeup and got situated in their plush new seating arrangement.  Because it wouldn’t be a Dance Moms Reunion if it didn’t start in complete chaos, right?

Look at Holly sitting on the set waiting for Abby.

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Don’t even get a school principal started on Punctuality.

And while we’re on the subject:  How about that shiny new set?

Everything got another Beyoncé Upgrade, yo.

upgrade-4 552395928c858226178e1ad0bd06b563Including the audience, who clearly had gone thru some kind of sped-up soap opera growth spurt since the last Reunion Special and now looked less like a bunch of kids waiting to get slimed at the Nickelodeon Awards and more like a J. Crew casting call for the Fall 2016 catalog.  I can’t be the only one who noticed that.

They even had a stricter dress code than the Moms:  Shades of Blue and Green or you don’t get a wristband.  No exceptions.

Except for this one lady with the pink top, who gets a Pass because I’m pretty sure it’s Oprah in disguise.  Look at the lady behind her thinking this means she’s getting all those Christmas presents for free.

oprahEven the host got tweaked.

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My boy Jeff Collins was MIA, replaced by Jai Rodriquez and his OhNoSheDin’t eyeballs and jaw drop, which he put to good use throughout the entire hour.

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You remember Jai.

Up until now, he’s probably best known for cleaning up all kinds of hot messes on Bravo’s Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.  Even though he was the show’s ‘Culture Vulture,’ I swear he was the one who taught us how to use Crest Whitestrips every week.

But that was back in the day.  Now Jai’s probably best known for taking the hosting gig that should have been mine.  Not complaining.  Just throwing it out there.

Side note:  I actually got some DMs asking me if Jeff was okay, since the whole world knows how tight we are…but honestly, he hasn’t spoken to me since I made fun of his GIANT pocket square a few Reunions ago.  Remember that?

It’s been like 3 years, dude.  Let it go.

And check out these two ladies.  They can’t believe that one chick totally disregarded the dress code memo and wore red anyway.

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I mean, look at her.  Straight up disrespectful.redAnyway.

Abby was late.  And she forgot her bra.

And did this on national television.

bra2Bonus:  Here’s the Professor from Gilligan’s Island also holding his coconuts in anguish.professor-coconutI’m pretty certain this is the bra Abby that was looking for…

ab1Remember that time?  That was the time when I promised to never use that photo again, so I probably should have used this one instead…
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…from that time when Abby had tan lines and was on whatever show that was where two loud ladies figure out your real cup size and then announce your measurements like they’re winning Lotto numbers.

Check out how fast the red car is going so they don’t have to see anything wobbling.

braRed Audi TT that crashed into a house in Suffolk

So, yeah.

Forty minutes into taping and Abby still had not found her seat next to Jai, so my other behind-the-scenes boy decided to just throw it to the first dance of the evening before Lifetime stuck another Little Women repeat in his time slot.

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Srsly.  Look at the vein in his head and the show hasn’t even started yet.

bsEventually, Abby managed to find her way out onto the stage.  I forget how long it took.

Notice how Melissa got the NeNe Seat next to Jai?  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

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Q.  Why is Jai so far away from everyone?  There’s not even anything on that little table.

jaAnd I thought I was the only one Abby had slapped with a 20′ restraining order.

The first round of discussions focused on how Melissa had announced the Zieglers’ departure from the show, so you know there was a lot of legal MyLawyerSaid blah blah blah flying everywhere.  Abby still couldn’t let that one go and for some reason felt that the announcement should have been made at a CNN press conference.

Because she totally said that.

Like somehow Maddie and Mackenzie leaving Dance Moms was akin to Cuba finally letting in the Kardashians.

You.  Sit down.  Nia‘s still on the show.  Relax.

trump-dismissive-gifJai:  Jill…what does Maddie leaving mean for Kendall?

MomCrush Jill:  I dunno.

jvSide note:  I expected Jill’s hair to be much larger this week.

Abby cut in and announced that Kendall would be re-recording some of her old songs as well as coming out with a new song and eventually an album.  Not sure if that was a show of support or a clever way to distract poor KK from getting more solos in Season 6.5.

Look at Abby calling everyone losers but doing it with the wrong hand.

loserThe question made for a smooth segue into the whole Brynn vs. Old Maddie vs. New Maddie saga, causing Jill and Ashlee to get so stirred up that they went another couple of rounds on who called whose kid stupid, pretty much reenacting the last 18 weeks of confrontations in much nicer clothes.

ashIt got heated.

Lawsy.  And my Daddy won’t be home for hours.

Look at Jay fanning himself like some southern belle.giphy-1fantumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500And then the Mini Me Moms showed up!

Tiffany and Kerri.

tkSari and her fingernails.sAnd Yolanda, who I think left as soon as Jai introduced her, because I don’t remember her talking at all during their segment.

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Oh.  Never mind.  There she is.

My bad.  Still there.

syoSide note:  Anyone else watch Mob Wives?  I loved that show.

Tell me the two of them don’t look exactly like Renee and Carla right before they used to throw down in Staten Island.

Renee and Carla:

FullSizeRender (20)Sari and Yolanda:

syoThat’s not a bad thing.  I love all four of those ladies.  But you know I nailed it.

Game Time:  Mob Wives or Dance Moms?

Get it right and you could win one of Nia’s over-stuffed dance bags.  You see all the crap she can fit in there?  Who needs that many thera-bands in their life?
Screen-Shot-2012-12-17-at-6.29.37-PMKidding.  There’s no prize.

Sari felt that the touching dance Areana had done in honor of her brother last week had been downplayed, which opened up that whole can of worms again.  Between what Melissa said and didn’t say and what was edited and not edited…you know I’m still not touching that one.

Not even with that 10 microphone pole that Abby keeps shutting in the office door frame.

Not gonna do it.

Especially when it’s just about to get real good.

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Jai-by Baby asked Abby what her biggest concern was now that she was in the middle of all this legal dramzzzz.  You know.  The federal investigation into missing money and stuff.

Yeah.  He went there.

Abby was all like…

tumblr_m8cpkvsEZC1qlvwnco1_400…and then responded that her biggest concern was that ‘they’ told Jai to say it and he said it.  Abby don’t play when it comes to TMZ.

And what about when Abby was missing in action for so many competitions?

What sup wid dat?  Anyone?  Jessalynn?

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My Three Favorite Things:

Pizza.

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#HollyFaces.

hf4And Jessalynn stirring up s***.

tumblr_o43knwSvll1tb8iyko1_500Like right at this point when she blurted out that one of Abby’s biggest meltdowns this season was caused by finding out “that little girl Chloe” had just gotten a movie role.

Wait.  What?

Did she just say–?

Yeah.  That Chloe.  giphytumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500We love Chloe!  And it’s true.  She’s gonna be in a movie.  So proud!

Side note:  Remember when Chloe’s Mom sent me that photo of Holly reading a book and eating an apple next to a dumpster?  It was so random that it was probably the most awesome thing anyone has ever given me that wasn’t clothes.

Jessalynn got all like…

tumblr_mfwu2uFZoZ1qfkgtwo1_500And then Abby got all like…

cc2And then Jessalynn got all like “But I Can” and then touched her hair.

Q.  Was it just me or did JoJo‘s Mom touch her head a lot this week?jh46359486545315238671539361387_XPS4tzRAYc8NhHbHmp765SUSBVq2fsFWVLtLV6W8zfHzNkAc374j4wmDTk15Ya5-PbDB7wNWIn0pxrAkPPl5uPzxC942Qdsfo-luQok0z0PM6uP_jzR6BDH2M4LkoT2u9HhoFQKPjhtumblr_n2rky5nJZ21qk08n1o1_500jh2Maybe it was just me.

Luckily, the Voice of Reason took over as Holly defused the situation by discussing how she had taken matters into her own hands and gotten the girls some #DebbieFace time with Debbie Allen.

Look at how #KrazyHappy Holly looks right there.  I forget why.

h2Disclaimer:  I’m gonna pretend that Jai didn’t ask Holly how she felt now that Nia was one of the last remaining original ALDC dancers, because…duh…she’s the ONLY remaining original ALDC dancer left and…ummm…

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Unfortunately, that Moment of Clarity (…still available online, FYI…) was just the calm before the storm, because all of the sudden the whole crew was back on that whole #BabySitGate scandal again.

Did she or didn’t she?

Did Kira really pawn Kalani off on Melissa for 3 months so she could take her newborn baby to the park in peace?  Did Melissa feel used?  Who was Kira really aiming for when she threw that water bottle?  Did Melissa really not sleep for 7 days worrying about Kalani’s sore back?  Does Melissa even know that if someone has a broken back they’d probably be paralyzed right now and not doing African dance with Nia?

And isn’t it racist to make all the people with glasses sit in the same section?

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Or at least hilarious?  How does that even happen?

Who knows.  And who cares.

All that really matters is that we got to hear Jess tell Kira that she she’s not actually the most brightest person in the room one more time.

Oh.  And we got to see this guy in the green button down hating his life right now.hate

True Fact:  At every Reunion there’s at least one guy who gets tricked into showing up cuz they tell him it’s a sports bar.  I love this show.

And then it was down to the last 6 minutes of Melissa’s time on Dance Moms.

Forever.

Which meant that we got one last montage of tears and giggles and Kristie Ray and Melissa flashing the other set of Ziegler girls to an unsuspecting Mardi Gras float.

And Kelly and Christi, too!  We miss them so much!

If you’re keeping score, we even got to see half of Rachelle Rak‘s face while Melissa ugly cried at the microphone again.

Half?  Really?  You’ll be hearing from our sassy lawyers soon.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that the Ghost of Season One Abby showed up for a brief second in the Green Room.  Because it did.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

s1aAnd then it got pretty emotional.

Abby broke down a little and talked about the passing of her Mom and Broadway Baby when asked how she felt about the changes in her life.

Even Ashlee teared up as everyone started saying their goodbyes to Melissa.  Shout out to Brynn’s Mom for showing some love for Mackenzie.

ashHolly cried.

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I may or may not have even had to dramatically blot for a second.

crying-gif-glee-i11Until the booze got served, that is.

Cuz that always turns them Dance Mom frowns upside down.

Everyone grabbed a champagne glass and toasted to Melissa and Sisterhood one last time as they hugged it out.  This was it.

The last time they would all be getting Ziegler wid it.

Who knows what the future holds for the Z-Team.  Only time will tell.

But I’ll miss you kids.  And you too, Melissa.

Almost as much as you’re gonna miss me, right?

mfAnd scene.

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Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are Back For The Reunion. Somebody’s Gonna See Stars Tonight.

Wednesday, May 13th, 2015

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If I knew it was a Fashion Blog this week, of course I would’ve put on a damn dress.

 

 

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It wouldn’t bother me if every chair and couch in this whole place was #Empty right now.

 

 

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Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me? How ’bout now? Can you hear me?

 

 

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Megaphones at any Reunion Show are just a bad idea, kids. The More You Know.

 

 

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I’m just saying that there’s no way these boobs are real. Am I really the only one who can see them?

 

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Can we just go back to MoleGate before I lose my s*** and rip the other sleeve off this chick’s dress?

 

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Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia. Don’t mention Shia.

 

 

 

Well, my goodness.

They clean up nice, don’t they?

It’s the Dance Moms Reunion.  The one night when all your favorite ALDC Moms can get as blinged-out as their cell phones and sit around talking shizzz with Andy Cohen‘s brother from another mother, Jeff Collins.

That’s right.  Jeff was back to grill the Moms as only Jeff can.

Spoiler Alert:  Things getting too uncomfortable?  Feel a fist fight coming on?  Shoes about to come off?  Let’s just table that and watch Maddie spin around for awhile.

Oh, Jeff.  That was close.

And you know the love/hate relationship I have with these Reunion Specials, because they leave me with more questions than answers by the time Kim of Queens comes on.

Like…where do they film this damn thing?  I say it every time.  Where IS this secret Dance Moms Bunker?  I don’t even see any doors.  I’m not as concerned with how you get in as how you would ever escape it Abby Lee Miller really started to lose her nutty.a3

And where do they keep finding this infomercial audience?  I mean, srsly.

I love them.  Love.  But if they all went home with lovely parting gifts that I didn’t receive, I’m gonna be so upset.

And how about that guy with the green pants?  Dude.  You’re not in the bleachers at Fenway Park.  Put your legs together.  There’s kids watching this at home.

And his girlfriend with the giant “MEOW” on her sweater?  What?  Like the “BIFF!” and “ZZZWAP!” and “KAPOW!” you get every time Batman hits the Joker.  Maybe she thought this was one of those live audience things for Cooking With David on QVC.

And don’t even get me started on whatever was on that other lady’s shirt that had to be blurred out every time they swept the audience.  If there’s even the most remote possibility that your mug might end up on national television, don’t wear anything with Madonna‘s face or swear words on it.  Just don’t.

On the other hand, maybe the producers were so busy checking for weapons as everyone passed through the bunker’s metal detectors that they overlooked some of the more questionable wardrobe choices. Or maybe I’m just jealous my invite got lost in the mail.

Memo to self:  Go back and check the last Reunion on the DVR, because Jeff’s hair seemed…I dunno.  Maybe it was the colored lights.  Was it just me?

But we love Jeff.  Especially now that he has his pocket square under control.  Remember that one time it looked like a magician’s handkerchief that you could keep pulling and pulling and pulling until both of the Hyland kids popped out of his jacket?  Hilarious.

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Anyway.  Everyone got to dress up like they were going somewhere fancy.  But it didn’t look like they were all going to the same place this year.  It was a little random.  You’ll see.

And it was called “Seeing Stars.”  Because I don’t know why.

I’m not sure if they were referencing the Hollywood Walk of Fame ones or the ones that always spin around cartoon people’s heads after they get punched in the throat.

But everyone was gonna see some tonight.  One way or the other.

Stahhzzz.

First up was Abby in the hot seat.  She wasn’t very dressed up at all, considering.  It was like one of those pant suit things that your relatives who don’t ever wear dresses would wear to your graduation.  The same relatives who don’t wear shorts in the Summer no matter how hot it gets outside and haven’t put on jeans since the ’80s.

Yeah.  I’m talking to you, Aunt Louise.

Abby and Jeff briefly discussed the expansion of the ALDC franchise and then started right in on her fragile relationship with Holly and Nia.

Side note:  Did Jeff really ask Abby what the Los Angeles ALDC was going to be called?

Does he not watch the show?  Because if he doesn’t, he needs to tell me what happened this week on Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. since I’m about two months behind thanks to Dance Moms.

Hint:  ALDCLA.  We heart Jeff.h4

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h1 (1)Out comes Holly, looking just fine in her floor length royal blue number with the open back and sparkly shoes.  Like she was going to announce the nominees for Best Animated Short or something.  We love Holly big time.

Side note:  Clearly, this recap will have nothing to do with what actually happened.  You might want to find another blog with better focus if that’s your thang this week.

For the next hour, Holly basically unleashed every HollyFace we have seen thus far throughout the season.  But with fancier earrings.

Flashback:  Holly standing in front of those empty pet store lockers, screaming at Abby about accountability and respect.  They never really did explain what happened to all the puppies.  I hope they found good homes.

Holly shared some of her favorite Pittsburgh memories and then we took a DanceBreak with the fan favorite ‘Stomp The Yard’ routine.

That’s one of my favorites, too.  Especially the part at the beginning when all the girls shimmy forward and do that side snap thing with their right hands.  I still don’t know what it’s called, but I use it a lot now while I’m waiting for the crosswalk light to change.

After the break, Jeff called out Melissa and my MomCrush Jill.  Mrs. Z was in one of those silver sparkly cocktail dresses that you’d wear to somebody’s holiday house party when you want to make sure you look better than the hostess.

I see what you did there, Melissa.

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Not gonna lie.

I expected Jill to come out in some long ballgown that required half the de-commissioned ALDC Phase 2 dancers as roadies just to make certain the train didn’t get caught in the green room door.  Like the people who hold down Macy’s balloons so they don’t float away in high winds and hit a telephone pole during the parade.

Psych.  She was in a sweet white hot blazer/skinny bottom combo that made her look exceptionally beeyoot but still strong enough to be a woman in a man’s world at her part-time silicon valley CEO job.  Bump-It free, but her hair was on point.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  That was it, I just did it backwards.

Holly, Jill and Melissa went a few more rounds in the Who’s Scared of Abby Battle and it made me sad that they’re not as chummy as they used to be.  But I have the Faith.

And so did this guy in the audience…

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…who was all like WTF at first and then ’bout fell outta his pew when Holly started talking educated woman talk.  He’s my new hero.

Sometimes I really just need this show to be two hours long.

Holly clearly stated that if Abby wouldn’t do right by Nia as her Manager, she’d have to step up and take action as the Momager.  Which made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, because that show had Momagers and they were all insane.

And it was awesome.

Side note:  When Jill (…unintentionally or nah?…) slammed Abby over the music video dramzzz (…“Nia had all these celebrity helpers.  All I had was Abby Lee Miller”...) the whole audience was all Oooooh and Aaaaaaah and OhNoSheDin’t as Abby tried to process what just happened.

I see what you did there, Jill.

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Abby claimed that Holly had changed Nia for her video and through the magic of new hair made her somehow #StarInSomeoneElse’sLife, but I’m pretty sure the 4 bazillion iTunes and youtube hits beg to differ.

Naturally, the whole thing once again shifted to the two dudes in silver speedos that seemed to really get under Abby’s skin.  Jeff asked if there was a double standard when it came to Nia’s backup dancers vs. Shia LaBeouf in his Fruit of the Looms rolling around with Maddie in a birdcage.

You could literally turn off the volume right here and still know what was going on.

Melissa’s nervous eye twitch came back.  Abby referenced Sia and her music videos about a yogabbagabbazillion times.  And we learned that Jeff uses an inhaler when he’s about to pass out.

The only thing we didn’t learn was the answer to the question.  Not awkward at all.

Then all of the sudden they showed a clip of my girl Vivi-Anne spinning in the wrong direction during some duet with Mackenzie.  Honestly, I don’t know if it was a vintage flashback or something they filmed yesterday, because she looks and dances exactly the same every time I see her.

So there’s that to ponder now, too.

After another DanceBreak for ‘Freak Show’ (…nice beard, Kalani…) Jeff brought out Jessalynn and Kira to stir things up a bit.

True Fact:  JoJo‘s Mom was heading to Coachella right after filming wrapped, because she was all flowy and pastel-y (…is that even a real word?…) in some one-sleeved number that you know has a gigantic matching hat somewhere.

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We really like Jessalynn now that she’s the good kind of whacky.

I’m not sure where Kira was going after the show.  But where ever it was, I’m pretty sure who boobs were gonna get there first.  Did you see those things?  No wonder the guy in the green pants couldn’t…

Never mind.  I forgot kids might be online.

Look at that face, tho.  You know he totally got caught staring.

audAnd then it got even more uncomfortable.

For everyone else, I mean.

Abby started listing off a rap sheet of issues and grievances that she had with Jessalynn:

She wasn’t using a speech therapist for her daughter.  She wasn’t getting JoJo her shots (…medical, not liquor, I’m assuming…) and not sending her to school.  Because school is important.  Suddenly, anyway.

Wait.  What?  Wasn’t Abby the one who used to preach Home Schooling?  Or did I miss another episode?  Wasn’t that the rule last season?

Abby even mimicked those hand up/hand down hearing tests you take in elementary school before yelling at Melissa so loudly that MamaZ put her left foot up by mistake.

Kira’s boobs, tho.

DanceBreak:  JoJo’s bloody ‘Prom Queen’ routine.  When a 6th grader covered in pig’s blood is the most normal thing happening on your television screen, it’s a good day.

And then Chaos Cathy returned.  With her megaphone.  Because…of course.

Not gonna lie.  I was a little concerned that Cathy and Melissa were wearing the same metallic eye shadow.  Do you think they’re secretly besties and this is all for show?  They were both in pretty sparkly dresses, too, even though Cathy’s looked a little more like the kind you can throw right in the washing machine if you spill anything on it during your faculty Spring Fling or death defying high wire trapeze act.

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Jeff strapped everyone into their seats and proudly discussed Vivi-Anne’s recent US Citizenship, which received polite applause all around.  Good for her.  And God Bless America.  Home of the Brave and Friendly’s Ice Cream cakes shaped like whales.

DanceBreak:  Maddie in her raggedy ‘All God’s Creatures’ sweater.  Remember when Abby was having her mental breakdown meltdown and bragged about how she was up ALL night making that costume?

Girl, pleez.  I can snag a sweater just getting off the couch.

The final guest of the evening was Jeanette Cota.

From the non-NYC Broadway Dance Academy.

I don’t know where she was going after the show either, but it wasn’t any place where you might have to bend over at the end of the night.  Dang.

Ava‘s Mom was snug as a bug in that black dress.

We like Jeanette.  Especially when her hair is straight.

Honestly, I don’t even know what happened after she showed up because everyone started arguing and yelling at each other and it made me nervous.

Side note:  I know she was trying to be all dramatical and all, but when you end your screaming fit with “I got you a Coney Dawg!” you lose some of your steam.

With mustard, of course.  Thank you for your participation in the conversation, Cathy.

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Jeff called Jeanette a former member of the ALDC, which most of the Moms took issue with since she and Ava were only given a test run before being booted back out the door.

Then there was more arguing and yelling about who was using who (…or is it ‘whom?’…I never know…) in their search for stardom until Jeff finally decided to table the whole thing and sing that song from ‘Frozen’ one mo’ time.

Cracking under pressure is how Jeff and I roll.  DanceBreak, anyone?

And then it was over.

Well, after a few more memories and some last minute smack that Cathy, Abby and Jeanette managed to squeeze in under the wire.

We even got to see the Original Recipe girls in a few brief clips, which was pretty nifty.

Twitter liked that so much it almost broke.  We miss you Brooke and Paige and Chloe!

And then it was really over.

Now that the Moms all unloaded a little bit of their emotional baggage on the couch, it was time to go home and repack it all for Australia.

You heard it, mate.

Dance Moms is going Internationale.

Smells like fun, right?

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