Posts Tagged ‘Dance Moms Review’

Dance Moms: Miss Abby Is Getting Her Freak On As Season Five Begins. The ALDC (PA & LA) Is Back In Business!

Wednesday, January 7th, 2015

h 2



Shut. Up. These are the best Sour Patch Gummy Worms I’ve ever had. I can’t even feel my face.






My hair’s on point. My makeup’s totally on point. My outfit’s on point. And you give me three lines this week? WTF?





I miss them too. I’m just saying look at all the extra room we have now. We can finally lay down.






Siri: What was the name of that crazy kid with the gigantic hair bows on my other show? Quick!






Srsly. How the hell is a normal person supposed to reach the top of a 6Plus with one thumb?






On second thought, maybe I will give this chick a pass. Like right out the front door and into the parking lot.






Honestly, I’ve never heard of Christi. But when a volcanic ash pandemic hits, is it really gonna matter?




Freakin’ Finally.

Freakin’ Freak Show Finally.

(See what I did there?  Three months off and I still got it…)

Dance Moms is back!  Not very many of them.  But they’re back.

The crowd had definitely thinned out a bit since the last time we saw everyone.  Maybe more than a bit, actually, because you could literally count them all on one hand as the new competition season began this week.  Which…not gonna lie…is kind of a Win Win situation for me and my bag of Cheeto’s on Tuesday Snack Night.

But it was still Dance Mom(s) plural.  For now anyway.  And lucky for us, the ones that were left all decided to come back for the premiere of Season Five and didn’t waste any time getting right to the Mama Drama.

As soon as the new 2.5 second opening credit title card clanked down like some kind of subliminal guillotine (…Wait.  What?  No more Living On The Dance Floor?…) three things were glaringly apparent.

One:  Abby Lee Miller was going to save a lot of money heating and cooling the ALDC studio this year now that only three Moms are opening and closing that front door all day.

Seriously.  Remember last year when the Original Recipe Moms and the New and Improved Moms and all their Original Select and Junior Select and Elite Select and Junior Elite Super Uber Select kids were all propping that thing open trying to get past the front desk log jam?  I’ll never understand why some of them didn’t just crawl in the window to speed up the process.  The show’s only an hour, people.n

Two:  I’m never going to be as smart as that girl in the Child Genius promo who spelled that thing you get if you stand too close to a volcano when it erupts.

And Three:  This was going to be the Darker Side of Dance Moms.  At least for a few episodes.  Which means we should probably address the Elephant in the Room now and then get to the good stuff.

Gone are the days when the most emotionally traumatizing scene in an episode involved Brooke Hyland taking a pie in the face.  The shizz just got real up in here, yo.

Now Brooke is gone.  Paige is gone.  Kelly is gone.  Christi is gone.  Chloe is gone.

There was a lot of (…edited or nah?…) Christi & Chloe bashing as the games began this week, but you know by now I’m only here for the giggles.  I loved Chloe and her little Cabbage Patch Doll eyes, which I thought were just fine.  And her Mom is so crazy that she needs to be my new BFF asap now that she has all this extra time on her hands.

Everyone else can fight this one out online and get it out of their system, because…honestly…I have so many passwords on my cell phone already that I can’t even imagine having to remember another one just to get into some Gymboree Chatroom and talk smack about Mothers from Pittsburgh.

Which also reminds me that this week’s episode was brought to us by our friends at the Apple Store, because everyone had a new iPhone.

As the Few and the Proud filed in for the first Season Five Pyramid of Shame, the studio had either gotten bigger over the break or there really was nobody left in the building.

My MomCrush Jill went on and on about how skinny Abby was (…and there did seem to be less of her than I remember from Season Four…) but I’m not really sure if she actually got smaller or her hair is just getting bigger, because Ms. Miller is starting to look like Priscilla Presley on her Wedding

Step away from the hot rollers and nobody will get hurt, ma’am.

Side note:  Not nearly enough Jill Time this week.  Needed to be said.  Love her.

Apparently, nobody had heard anything from Christi or Chloe since that big chaotic hallway blow-up at Nationals, which I thought was odd since the girls had been such Instagrammably (…did I just make up a word?…) tight buddies for the last four years.

But again…take it outside or take it to another chat room, thank you.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Kendall and Chloe.  It made me sad to see Chloebird’s picture knowing that she wasn’t even there.

Fresh off the outrageously successful International Year Of The Nia that I predicted, BTW (…Yaaaaaaaas, Gurl!  First Place tiara!…) Nia was keeping Mackenzie or Mackdoodle or MackZ or whatever her name is this week company on the middle row, which meant Maddie was on top already.

So to recap:  Maddie didn’t dance a solo and Chloe doesn’t even get a Dance Moms paycheck anymore, but they were both on the Pyramid.  I fully expect to see my headshot scotchtaped to the mirror next week if this is how Abby’s gonna play it this year.

For their first race out of the gate this season, the ALDC gang was headed to Sheer Talent Competition in Niagara Falls, which my Macbook spellcheck somehow just auto-corrected to ‘Viagra’ and now I’m horrified that someone will think I Googled it on purpose.

Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos this week, which was a little awkward since one of them wasn’t actually in the building at the time of the announcement.  I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to call Chloe at home and let her know or how that was going to work out on stage.  Not my problem, I

The group routine was a circus freak kind of thang, based on the American Horror Story: Freak Show phenomenon.  I’ve never actually watched the show, probably because it conflicts with something on Bravo or Lifetime.  But everyone at work loves it.

And they’re all freaks.  So, yeah.

As four tiny girls ran around in a gigantic empty studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and didn’t quite know what to do with themselves.

You know how when you stay in a hotel and they have a super king-sized bed that is like five times the size of yours at home and you don’t know what else to do but roll all around it because you can…?  It was like that up on the MomPerch couch.

Jill, Holly and Melissa kind of looked like they just missed the 39 Bus and were the only three people left on the bench.

Srsly.  How much do we love Holly?  She got new eyeliner.

Since no one had heard anything from Christi in three months, Jill decided to try and call Chloe’s Mom on her redoinkulously BeDazzled iPhone (…seriously, Gurl…how you get dat thing through a TSA checkpoint?…) which allowed the cameraman ample opportunity to awkwardly linger somewhere between Jill’s cellphone and her cleavage way longer than he should have for a show about little children who can dance.

Not that I’m complaining, of course.  Cuz you know I love me some Jill Vertes.  Maybe I just need to cut back on my Niagara when she’s on screen.

Snap.  Went there.

Naturally, the call went unanswered, which made me wonder how it’s possible that Christi never bothered to set up her voice mail the whole time she was on the show.  You had four years, honey.  Either take it to the Genius Bar or tell the post-production editing department to stop making you look like a raging bitch.

Snap.  That’s twice now.  And it’s only the premiere.


Somewhere around this point was when Abby realized that four little girls barely even qualify for the Group Routine category, so she picked up her new iPhone (…no wonder nobody else could get the Gold one…Lifetime snarffed ’em all up…) and placed a mystery call to somebody, asking if they could fly out to Pittsburgh and join the party.

Conveniently enough, Kalani Hilliker and her Mom Kira have their own private jet because I swear they were both walking through the studio door before Abby even hung up on them.  Dr. Beyoncé was all like AwHellNah and Jill was all like SayWhat? and then Melissa had her first Eye Twitch of Season Five.

And my Twitter feed got all ‘Molegate.’  Again.

Really?  I’m not doing this for another 32 episodes, people.  I can’t.  I don’t know what happened to it.  It was there.  And then it was gone.  And now it was kinda sorta back again, but not really.  I just can’t.  One season was enough.

Beyond all that hysteria, there was a lot of stress juice leaking from every one of the Moms this week.  I think they were probably just reacting to all the changes and the fact that the Original Recipe Mom Team was no more.  It’s sad to lose your friends, so I don’t think all the negativity up in the Perch was coming from an intentionally mean place.

Holly chewed on Kira a little bit.  Jill snarked on Christi’s Social Media skills.  (Since Christi won’t follow me on Twitter, bonus points were given to Jill on this one just because…)

And then I’m pretty sure Melissa accused Kelly of still using dial-up.  Apparently the Hyland household isn’t wired for high speed internet because Melissa totally trash talked Kelly’s computer skills like she still had tin foil wrapped around her bunny ear TV antennas or something.

Somehow the girls even managed to get a little rehearsing in before leaving for Niagara Falls, which gave skinny Abby time to yell at them just like not-as-skinny Abby used to do.

And then finally, it was Showtime!

And time for this woman.  Who just gave me Life.


No clue who she is.  But she was into it.  Into.  It.

And it was also time for Paige Hyland to slap a lawsuit on Abby, citing mental abuse and unlawful working conditions during her tenure at the ALDC.  You already know the scoop on that one.  TMZ milked that cow dry when it first happened.  They just didn’t tell us it happened on the day the remaining Moms and kids were piling onto a bus.

Side note:  They showed that flashback clip where Paige is standing all by herself in the studio looking like a kid whose Mom just abandoned her in the mall on Christmas Eve.  I hate that clip.

I’m going to assume that everyone went to a hotel first, because when the bus pulled up to the venue Abby had even bigger hair than when she left Pittsburgh and nobody was wearing the same clothes they had on when they put their luggage in the trunk.  There’s no way they could have done that kind of transformation in one tiny bus bathroom.

As usual, the waiting crowd went bonkers.  There were a few ‘I Heart Chloe’ signs that looked like they were glitter glued and painted by the same intern who does all the America Idol audience posters, but whatever.

I missed where the actual event took place, but it looked like an old Costco because everyone was in folding chairs on one flat cement floor, trying to see around the person in front of them.  If I had driven ten hours to Niagara Falls just to look at the back of Abby Lee Miller’s hair I would be soooo not happy.

Kendall’s solo was awesome.  She was like Sheena of the Jungle with a spear and everything.  First Place!

Nia came in Second Place, but scored the top spot as far as I was concerned because she rocked a Roy Lichtenstein costume that made her look like she had just jumped off the cover of the latest issue of Marvel Comic’s SuperNia.

Power of:  Death Drop.  Let’s go fight crime.  And be sassy while we do it, mmmkay?


Holly’s HollyFaces when Nia dances, tho.

Kalani channeled Austin Powers Girlfriend during her/Chloe’s routine.

She came in Second in her division.  Probably because she didn’t wear The Beard.

Because she totally wore The Beard for the Freak Show group routine later in the event and the ALDC came in First Place.  I’m not saying Kalani’s not a good dancer.  I’m just saying that when I was in third grade a kid sang a made-up song in a construction paper hat dressed as Abraham Lincoln and won First Prize, too, so facial hair seems to be the common denominator if you want to snatch some trophies for your case.

And then it got a little odd, because the emcee/director/Ryan Seacrest guy took the mic and let the entire audience know how much Sheer Talent loves and supports Abby.

Not for nothing.  That was nice of him, I guess.  But honestly, if I was the owner of Miss Clementine’s School of Tap and Jazz Handing and was going home with a couple of 9th place trophies and a bunch of kids with sore feet and bad attitudes, I’m not so sure I’d want to sit there and hear about how amazing my competition was when I had a 5 hour drive ahead of me.

And then Ryan Seacrest even called Abby up on stage where she started this impromptu motivational BeTheBestYouCanBe speech that I swear would have ben accompanied by Nia’s Maya Angelou Dance if she could have gotten all the polka dots off her face in time.

So, yeah.

Moral of the Story:  The kids still love to dance.  And the Moms still love their kids.

Dance Moms is back.

Freakin’ Finally.


Dance Moms: Get Used To It, Because Nothing’s Fair In Downtown Abby. It’s The New And The Old And The Inner.

Wednesday, February 26th, 2014





Yo. Don’t Be Tardy for the Girl Party. NaNaNaNaNaNaNa.















Hi. Yeah. Just a quick reminder that it’s The International Year Of The Nia.







What? Yeah, I got a Flashback. ‘Choo lookin’ at, Punk?







So now I have no stress in my life and it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. Boom.







Don’t get me started today. Seriously.







I’m just saying put those fingers down or I’ll be wiping the floor with your face.




Welcome to Downtown Abby.

Or Abbyville, as the locals call it.  Where the feet are sickled and nothing is fair.

Two episodes later and the Dance Moms were still trying to figure out how to deal with the collateral damage created by SlapGate.

Kelly & Co. were gone from The Team.  Christi was moping around the ALDC lockers like she had just lost her Pep Squad Bestie right before Homecoming.  And wannabe Mom Kira was hard at work figuring out the fastest way to snag that empty seat up in the MomPerch before the body was even cold.

Yes.  It was a sad day in Abbyville.  There was a somber darkness hanging over the Abby Lee Dance Company building this week.  A cloud over head.  And potholes down below.

Still with the potholes.

What’s it gonna take to get those filled in?  They probably spend more money replacing rims and realigning their front tires every season.  I don’t get it.

But I digress.

What better time to start an episode out in sunny Los Angeles?  Where everything is bright and shiny and auto tuned.

Before we even hit The Pyramid of Shame this week, we were in LA with MackDaddy Mackenzie and her posse as she got ready to lay down beatz for her upcoming tweeny bop cd.  I don’t think it has an actual working title yet, even though Abby kept referring to it as I’m Gonna Be Way Bigger Than That Girl Whose Mom Is A Bitch.

Mom Melissa was there.  And Maddie, who clearly only tagged along because she had some kind of gig of her own going down in the City of Angels.

Abby was noticeably vague about what the older Ziegler was really up to on the West Coast and would only refer to it as ‘a job’…which basically covered everything from coffee shop waitress to opening a one woman show at the Kodak Theater.  So who knows.


But it must have been important, because she and Mom were out the door before the back up track even started.  You’re on your own, Mack-Z.

The studio reminded me of one of those tiny recording booths on the Boardwalk where you go in and make a cassette tape of yourself singing the theme from Titanic while they’re cooking your curly fries next door.

The guy in charge of the place seemed nice enough in his GAP henley, even though he appeared to be a little overly moisturized and had that IsThisReallyMyLife? kind of look on his face when Mackenzie started her riff.

Don’t be jealous of her boogie.  Cuz I know you were.  I was.

Take an old episode of My Little Pony.  The one where Rainbow Dash has a sleepover.  Add in the theme song from Batman.  The 1960’s one.  Not the Val Kilmer one.  And then have an animated Disney bunny sing it while Hello Kitty plays double dutch with a magic unicorn that poops sparkles every time he jumps.

NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa…Girrrrl Party!

There were some major issues with focus and energy which caused the entire production to shut down for a break after the first four 8 counts.  And then some serious pep talks.  But all that really mattered was that Abby stole some of Jill‘s best Award Presentation MomDance moves and raised the roof like she had just won big at Bingo.

Yes.  Her milkshake could definitely bringing sumthin to the prison yard this week.

Since we had already eaten up so much valuable time in LA, the actual Pyramid was dealt with pretty quickly once everyone (…minus Maddie…) made it back to Pittsburgh.

Bottom row was all about Nia, Kendall and Kalani.  Never skimp on the Butt Glue.  That’s all I have to say on the matter.

The middle tier was  held down by Chloe and Mackenzie.  Chloe continued to have issues with her face.  Or lack thereof.  Poor little thing is taking a beating this season.  Which is odd, considering that in all her Instagram photos Chloe is always smiling and fish facing and peace signing like she’s the happiest kid in the world.  And that’s not creepy at all that I know her Instagram account.

Mackenzie got major props just for carrying around a giant box of candy in last week’s group routine, which is basically something I do on a daily basis with no acknowledgement whatsoever.  So there’s that, I guess.


And then Maddie was on top.  Jill tried to act surprised, but her face didn’t move anymore than Chloe’s did.  We love Jill.

This week the gang was headed to Fort Wayne, Indiana for another appearance at the Masters of Dance Competition.  Mackenzie, Kalani and Chloe all scored solos, but Abby still needed someone to play the role of Maddie while she was out in LA doing Top Secret government intel.

So you know what that means.  Say it with me:  Dance Off!

Which they used to do all the time on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  Which is another reason why sometimes I don’t even know what show I’m watching.  Honestly, there are some nights when they’ve swapped dancers back and forth so many times and done the same shtick on one show that they already did on another one so many times that I’m half way through Kim of Queens before I realize Dance Moms ended 30 minutes ago.  I’m not even making that part up.

The Moms voted.  The kids voted.  And then somehow they picked a winner.

Kendall was now the New Maddie, whatever that meant, and everyone got to rehearsing.

Right away, Abby wanted Chloe to find her Inner Maddie.

Old Maddie.  New Maddie.  And now Inner Maddie.  That’s three Maddies already if you’re keeping track.  It’s getting a little Children of the Corn in here.

Up in the MomPerch, Christi got a cell phone ring from Kelly that I mistakenly believed to be her one call from prison until they cleared things up for me.  My bad.  Kelly didn’t need bail money…just lunch.

Somehow Kira managed to sneak herself an invite, even though she was a big part of the reason Kelly had lost her nutty on Abby in the first place back on that fateful day.  But Kira really wanted to meet Kelly when she wasn’t slapping stuff around.  And if she could try the breadsticks at that new restaurant at the same time?  Score.

So everyone headed out to lunch.


Christi and Kelly got there first and politely began eating before anyone else showed up.  Nice.  No wonder the host sat them in one of those deserted Real Housewives back rooms where the rest of the patrons wouldn’t get stabbed in the neck with a fork.

By the time everyone else arrived, it was pretty clear that when NBC decides to film a new version of The Golden Girls in 2040 that these women all need to be contacted and immediately signed up for the reboot.

Trust me.  They are gonna make THE best crazy old ladies.  Holly squealed and ran in all wrapped up in her pashmina scarf.  Melissa had a crazy twitch going on in her eye that started a few episodes ago.  Kira gave Kelly THE best, most wimpiest fish slap handshake evah and then sat across the table mouthing ‘You’re A Bitch’ and stuffing warm breadsticks in her purse.  And Jill?  She just wanted dirt.

But Kelly couldn’t talk.  Gag order.  And the fact that at least two of the waitresses were probably on the TMZ payroll.  So I guess we’ll have to wait for the deets.

With two days to go before the competition, Maddie was finally back from WhoKnowsWhere and ready to steal the spotlight back from Kendall.

The group routine was  a confusingly dark Witch from Snow White serving up Poison Apple Realness kind of thing, where none of the Moms could tell who had the lead anymore.  Maddie had also apparently brought the red apple back from Los Angeles, because it suddenly appeared out of nowhere when she shoved it in Kalani’s face.

The MomPerch was buzzing, I tell you.  Buzzing and chewing.  Clearly, somebody bought a whole new pack of gum this week because half the Moms had so much Juicy Fruit in their mouths that I thought they were hiding stuff up in there.

Even with a mouthful, though, Melissa did manage to blurt out that nobody on the Team could ever beat Maddie.  Ouch.  Not cool.

Sidenote:  Abby tried to teach Kalani how to eat an entire apple in one gigantically wet bite and now I have to sleep with a nightlight.  Thanks for that.

In probably the oddest moment of the episode (…if it was actually possible to pick just one, I mean…) Abby made it all the way up to the Mom Perch to let them know that she knew that they had gone to lunch with Kelly.


I know, right?  Who knew?  Turns out that her own Mom had spies in the food service industry all these years.

There was also some major Twitter buzz about Kira’s face in one of her interview blips, but I really can’t handle SlapGate and MoleGate in the same post.  Was it there?  Was it gone?  Was it covered in makeup?

Really?  Why aren’t you kids doing homework?  It’s a Tuesday night.

Finally, it was Showtime!  After a long, stressful bus ride that is, where we learned that Christi may (…or may not…) have dinged someone’s car door back at the ALDC and then pleaded poverty to get out of a pending law suit.

I dunno.  That one came out of nowhere.  No.  Where.

Back in the makeup room, Abby was giving Mackenzie yet another pep talk about energy and face and channeling her Inner Asia during her solo.

Oh.  Hellz.  Yeah.  Miss Asia Monet Ray in the flashback hizzle!  Between the booty pops and the earlier improv dance off, I didn’t know which end was up this week.  All I knew was that I missed Kristie Ray so much that I went next door just to slap somebody before I went to bed.

Slept like a baby, by the way.  Try it tonight.

Chloe’s solo went great.  I swear she’s still getting taller every week.

Backstage, Maddie cornered Kalani in a scene that had to be seen to be believed.  I think it was supposed to be a coaching moment of some sort, telling her to use all three of her KalaniFaces on stage, but it ended up coming across like some head cheerleader telling a rookie to not f*** up the scores by falling off the top of the pyramid.

Clearly, Kalani had already been coached by her Mom to not choke any of the other kids until they were guaranteed a spot on the Team, because she just went ‘DUH‘ and then turned her back on Maddie before she knocked all the Los Angeles outta her head.

Oh, snap.

By the time Mackenzie hit the stage, I figured we had seen it all for this week.



Her crazy jumps and flips loosened up her little wiglet hairpiece so much that it popped off her head and slammed onto the stage like she was throwing down in some Walmart parking lot.

Dat’s rite.  Tumbleweave.  Blowing across that dusty stage.

But she’s a trooper and kept on jumping and flipping like it was nothing, and eventually the big wad of curls on the ground looked less like Chick Fight and more like Star Trek Tribble.

Spock, pleez.

After the performance, Abby headed out back to throw the wiglet onto the floor and go a few rounds with Jill.  I guess Dance Offs don’t guarantee you nuthin’ no mo’.

Finally, the group number hit the stage.  It went well, but all I could focus on was the woman behind Abby wearing a really whacked out QVC sweater with a big owl face on it.

Just.  Whoa.

Which rhymes with NO.

When it was all said and done, let’s be honest.  Nothing really happened this week.

Mackenzie got First Place.  Kalani got First Place.  Chloe got Second Place.  And the group pulled in First Place.

(Beating out ‘Ghetto Superstars,’ by the way, whoever they were.  That was really a name for a kid’s group.  Really.  Gah…how much do I love this show?)

For one last hurrah, Abby came back into the makeup room carrying one of those foam core Publisher’s Clearing House checks and screamed at the Moms a few more times.

And then it was over.

Now it was back to Pittsburgh, where the Moms were going to have to figure out whether they were dedicated to Kelly or to the ALDC.

Because you can’t have it both ways in Abbyville.

Those are the rules.

And if you don’t like it…bite me.


Dance Moms: Rejuvenate Your Face And Fix Your Feet. Will The Real Chloe Please Stand Up? Cuz It’s Old vs. New.

Wednesday, February 5th, 2014




Seriously. Aren’t you hot in all those layers? It’s like 100 degrees in this damn studio.






Really? That’s the best you got? My third season and we’re still goofing on Bump-Its and fur coats? Really?






Siri: Find me the quickest way outta this slum. These women are wound tighter than my face.






Slum? Imma ’bout to take off my shoes and show this chick the fastest route back to Vegas, baby.







Oh. My. Gawd. I would totally pay to see that go down.







It’s simple, really. We kill the Batman and we get a solo.








I’m seriously ’bout to cut somebody.




Why so serious, Dance Moms?

Something wasn’t right in Gotham City this week as a new super villain somehow gained access to the DanceCave, threatening to shake things up for our heroines and forever change the face of the ALDC.

That’s right.  The Face of the Team was changing.

The Face of the New Mom?  Not so much.

As the episode began inside the harshly lit halls of stately Miller Manor, what should have been a celebratory start to The International Year of the Nia quickly became yet another opportunity for Abby Lee Miller to threaten all her tiny sickle footed superheroes with elimination from the Team.

Except for the Ziegler Dynamic Duo, of course, who seem to have some kind of odd autoimmune deficiency that prevents them from safely absorbing oxygen outside the perimeter of the ALDC force field.  They’re not going anywhere.

As all the tiny dancers bounced in for a new Pyramid of Shame, Abby was quick to point out that 2 out of 3 Open Call Auditions had already been completed and that very soon things could be changing around this joint.  The Free Ride was over.

Some of the girls were still with the ALDC despite their Mom having walked out of multiple performances with a serious case of Potty Mouth.  Closeup on Kelly.

Some of the girls were still with the ALDC despite their Mom having been suspended a hundred times and almost punching a cameraman or two.  Closeup on Christi.

Some of the girls were…wait…hold on.  Abby just left the room mid-sentence. 


And then she came back.  With a New Girl!  And a New Mom!

And what appeared to be a New Mom Face!


That’s right.  Fresh from the Orlando audition, Chloe Nguyen and her Mom Kim busted into the studio, oozing a whole lot of Las Vegas charm and Restylane filler.

The Moms and kids who could actually move their faces threw some serious shade if you want to go back and check the tape, because there were a couple of really good screen saver moments if you’re into photoshopping that kind of thing.

Especially Original Recipe Chloe Lukasiak who got all Mean Girl In Study Hall as soon as she caught a glimpse of her namesake.  Girlfriend was not amused.

Officially designated as “guests” of the ALDC, Kim and C2 were all excited to be there and couldn’t wait to accompany the gang to On Stage America in Voorhees, NJ this week.

After the Pyramid, of course.

Bottom row was full of Mackenzie, Paige, Kendall, Brooke and Brooke’s Unlimited Talk & Text Plan.  Mackenzie and her pouty face selfie pic had gotten beat at last week’s dance competition, while Paige and Kendall were there primarily to get a rise out of their Moms.  Brooke, on the other hand, didn’t even realize that she was on the bottom row until one of the other girls IM’d her with a Sad Face emoji.

Put.  The.  Phone.  Down.

Sidenote:  They didn’t show it on screen, but Kelly was squeezing one of those squishy physical therapy balls in her fist in anticipation of throwing a beat down on Abby in another week or two.  You just stay tuned for that one, ‘kay?

The midsection of the Pyramid was reserved for C1 and Maddie.  And the new girl.

Wait.  What?  She’s been on the show for 14 seconds and she’s already on the second row?  How does that even happen?

If it’s that easy, I’m overnighting out my headshot to Pittsburgh this afternoon and expect to be on the top row next week.  Abby always says that boys get higher points, right?

Top Dawg this week was Sasha Nia.  Freakin’.  Finally.

Mom Holly screamed louder than those girls did at the Justin Bieber court house.  I may have done a victory lap or two around my living room.  You’ll never know.


This week, despite the high ranking, Nia was only given a Pieces Together duet with Kendall.  No solo.  Mom was all like Whaaa–?  Jill was all like Fur Coat and Whaaa—?

All the Chloes got solos.  C1 vs. C2: Clash of the Chloes!

And then Melissa made a soon-to-be classic internet WTF face.  Nobody swoops in and steals the Ziegler spotlight.  Nobody.

As the girls all began spending way too much time trying to teach C2 how to dance like she’s part of a Team, the Moms all hit the MomPerch to grill Kim and make fun of her face.

Turns out that Kim worked at one of those Med Spa clinics where people come out looking like they’re wearing tight ponytails even when they’re not.  She also made it sound like she had licensed plastic surgeons on pretty much every branch of her family tree, which explained the Heath Ledger smile that kind of went more sideways than up at the corners every time she smirked about dance turns and laughing gas grenades.

Rejuvenation…and a Gotham City heist?  Muuuahahahaha!

The next day Kim took a page from The Book of Jill and came to the ALDC bearing gifts for Abby, who was pretty darn excited to receive a shiny new turbo-charged skin brightening face buffer contraption.  You could tell she couldn’t wait to get home and rotary sand down a few of those beach freckles.

Warning:  If you’re catching the episode on your DVR, you may want to turn down the volume at this point because the sound of ButtKiss at the front desk was deafening.

It should also be noted that it was Super Hero Knee High Black Boot Day in the MomPerch.  I guess you never know when you’re gonna need to scoot out and fight some crime between routines.  Right ladies?

Hopefully the Moms take on the Bad Guys better than the girls took on the 1930s rehearsals.  C2 was having a rough time fitting in with the Team and it was taking time away from the duet.  The Why Not Me French Cabaret number was trés sloppé.

(I don’t think that’s really a word.)

Concerned that the duet was going to get lost in all the distraction, Holly, Jill and Jill’s feather trimmed fur coat/wrap thingamabob all headed down to the studio for a confrontation, which went about as well as you would expect an Abby Confrontation to go.

Not well.


And for some reason it ended up with Holly and Jill doing the same Shuffle Off To Buffalo exit stage left dance that I swear I saw Lucy & Ethel do one time down at the Copacabana when Ricky wasn’t looking.

Lawd.  Those two have some ‘splainin’ to do after that one.

Sidenote:  I don’t know what was going on with Jill’s bangs by the end of that night.  If the coat is making you sweat that much, it’s ok to take it off, honey.  Really.  We’ll understand.

The next day, with only 24 hours left before the trip to Jersey, all the Moms were back up in the Perch where Kim put her white cellphone on speaker like some Real Housewife of Atlanta and started yakking it up with the owner of her former studio.

Annoying, much?

Las Vegas Jeremy started right in on Flabby Miller and her second rate dancers while Kim bragged that C2 was dancing rings around the other girls.

Memo to Kim:  1.  Wandering aimlessly in a circle is not really dancing rings around the other girls.  And 2:  Unless you’re NeNe Leakes driving around ATL in a Mercedes, put the damn phone up to your tight head.  Not interested.

Shout out to all the other Moms though, who proved that having pliable foreheads actually makes for some HIGHlarious reaction shots.

And what was up with that ginormous pile of bras and lady dainties behind Abby’s head in the studio?  Do they not even have a housekeeper on the payroll anymore?

After Jeremy finally hung up, Abby spent the next 17 minutes creating a duet for Nia and Kendall.  Not 18.  Which made Jill and Holly mad enough to corner Abby at the front desk when it was over and ask her for the real 411 on what was going down in that studio this week.

I’m not really sure what they talked about because there was so much pink going on at that front desk I couldn’t focus.  Did you notice?

That whole side wall that was all spray paint and logos and Hello Kitty bows?  Plus all the pink clutter behind the desk?  That much hot pink never used to be there back in the days when Jill was dropping off Elizabeth Arden gift sets and park benches.  Am I right?  Yikes.


Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for all those screaming One Direction groupies with iPhones and retainers that I love so much.  Nothing really beats a good ALDC bus arrival scene.  Nothing.

Before they even unpacked the bronzer, you could cut the tension with a knife.  The last time the ALDC had been in Voorhees, Chloe lost her hat and Christi lost her marbles.  And that poor camera guy almost lost an eye.  (…“Get Away From Me!”…)

Bad memories.

So this time around, everyone was sewing in headgear like they were all going up against gravity in the Space Shuttle.  Except for Kim, of course, who didn’t appear to know what she was doing.  It was just hard to tell for certain since her confused face looked a lot like her happy face.  And her angry face.  You see where this is going…

It would be so easy to make a joke right now about how if ANYone in that room should know about needles it should be C2’s Mom…but the other Moms kind of stole my thunder on that one.  Plus I think we can all agree that we’re probably maxxed out on facial rejuvenation jokes at this point.

So Melissa came to Kim’s rescue with her multi-purpose fishing lure/sewing kit container and showed our helpless housewife how to securely attach sparkly things to human flesh.

It’s not rocket science, people.

While the two of them were sharing that Martha Stewart Moment, Holly was having her own drama with Nia’s one shouldered costume.  Poor thing.  Kid’s only got two shoulders and she picked the wrong one for the strap.

I swear, sometimes this show just stresses me out.

While we’re on the subject…it would probably also behoove the people in charge of backdrops to track down whoever gang tagged Abby’s pink wall and have them spray up a new tarp for the show.  What was that?

The duet was pretty fly for 17 minutes of rehearsal.  Nia can go all Beyoncé in her sleep, so I wasn’t worried.  Remember what year this is…

C1’s Seeing Red solo was all about…well…seeing red.  You don’t really need a NASA degree to figure out Abby’s thought process.  It was pretty dramatic and ended with Chloe smearing lipstick all over her face like an insane asylum escapee.  Or Lindsay Lohan on a Friday night.  Whatever.

At first I thought the stress had given the poor thing a nosebleed.  But false alarm…just Revlon.


C2 was up next and managed to make it through most of her first ALDC dance before her headpiece popped off.  Luckily the drama of the moment was overshadowed by whoever that guy was who ran out on stage in his relaxed fit denim and scooped up the bow like he wanted it for the weekend.

I’m not judging.  But whoa.  Dude.  Relax.  We all want to feel pretty, but do you even work for On Stage America?  Go back to your seat.

Backstage, the whole thing turned into Hatgate 2014 as Kim immediately accused Melissa of sabotaging her kid’s head while Holly Googled ‘Conspiracy Theory’ to prove that losing a hair bow is…well…not one.

Finally, the group number hit the stage and ended up scoring First Place.  The only routine that did.  So Abby was not happy by the time the awards ceremony was finished.

Blah.  Blah.

All that really mattered was that Kim finished up the road trip by stating she wasn’t sure she even wanted to be part of this hot mess now that she’s seen what it’s like slumming with these wannabes in Pittsburgh.

Slumming.  In.  Pittsburgh.  Where these women all live.


Jill’s eyeballs bugged out.  Melissa did that turtle head pull-back into the shell thing she always does when she gets all WhaWhaWha—?  Kelly looked like she usually does and then Holly got all OhHellNoSheDin’t.

Three strikes?  You out, Bitch.

And then it was over.

Next week is the third and final Open Call Audition.

Or the AUDC: Where Are They Now? Oprah Special as I like to call it.

Yup.  The Face of the Team is changing.

Not scrunching or wrinkling.  Or even moving.

But it’s changing.  And soon.

See you in New York.


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