Posts Tagged ‘Devotion 2 Dance Competition’

Dance Moms: Abby’s Back…And She Brought Tiny Reenforcements. It’s The Invasion Of The All-New ALDC Minis!

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016

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The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.

 

 

mel

 

 

Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.

 

 

wf

 

 

I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?

 

 

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Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.

 

 

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Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.

 

 

 

k1

 

 

It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.

 

 

ao

 

 

Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

Big Things do come in Little Packages.

Especially when you’re talking Diamonds.  And Mama Drama.

Just ask the new ALDC Minis.  About the Mama Drama part, anyway.

For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.

Or at least their Mamas have.

The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.

Spoiler Alert #2:  Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.

bbowBut that’s really jumping ahead in the story.

And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here.  My bad.

Back to the beginning.

As  we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos.  I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.

Nicole, I mean.  Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.

(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)

Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill.  Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season.  Almost.

And Abby Lee Miller was back.  Finally.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week.  Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.

Side note:  If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:

hf

Thanks for stopping by, tho.

And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too.  Super-sized.  Now with Minis!

Full disclosure:  It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network.  So there’s that, I guess.

And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”

Will-Smith-OMG-Expression-On-Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air

…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.

giphy-1OhNoSheDin’t.

I was all like…
2015 - 1Holly was all like…tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

And then Holly did this.  And this.  And this.  And this.

Feel free to add your own dialogue.   h h2 h1 h4Study note:  There will be a geography quiz at the end of the episode, so make sure you know where Africa, America and Pittsburgh are…and the difference between the three, you crazy whack job dance studio owner.

I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.

This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.

The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number.  Because Maddie was still off doing her movie.  Still.

Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA.  We get it.

You gave up a lot.  You left your family and kids behind.

Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener.  Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week.  Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin.  Just saying.

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And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.

Same argument.  Different outfits.  Don’t talk smack about my kid.  I’m not talking smack about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.

Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.

jfuAshlee was all like don’t tell me to (…bleep…) you, because I will.  So hard.

afu

Oh, really?

real1Really.

real

You’ve got a fat a**.

Well, you’re old.

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No lie.

It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle.  You see that?  And what is Melissa always eating?  Because it looks mighty tasty.

Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up.  Two hours late, thank you.

Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.

This show.  I swear.

Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.

Ok.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.

kidThat bow big enough, BTW?

These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.

With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.

I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off  the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?

jsSide note:  Lynn busted into the studio and interrupted Abby’s rehearsals at least 7 times before she was finally shut down and sent back to the other Moms in tears.  Honestly, even if you’ve never seen the show, I don’t know how many fingers you need to lose before you stop sticking your hand in the monkey cage, lady.

l1And then Melissa wanted in on some of this New Mom Fun.

Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people.  This is how ‘this’ works.

giphySide note:  Kerri called Melissa the ‘Godfather’ later in the episode when Lynn started making fun of Mackenzie’s pigtails, but I couldn’t wait any longer to use that clip.

Side note Numero Due:  I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.

Capiche?

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Side note Numero Tre:  Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.

IMG_1250I’ve never been to one myself, but everyone was going on and on about how good the food was and now I want to use the residuals (…that Lifetime should have been paying me all these years for pimping out their show…) to open a franchise, even though it looks exactly like a Subway sandwich in a different piece of wax paper.

Power of: Social Media.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

For this guy, anyway.

3872959826_2aed9b9de5_oSrsly.  Where was everybody?

Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive.  No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones.  No glitter paint poster paper signs.  Nuthin.

Nuthin inside, either.  It was freaky.  Nobody could figure it out.

Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well.  You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long.  The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.

Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.

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And besides.  Abby doesn’t do cute.  At least not this week.

Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.

Like this.mzExcuse me?

mkzThat’s when Melissa threatened to chew Lynn’s face off and when Kerri called her the Dance Moms Godfather.kk

That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.

You just keep talking to yourself, woman.

Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.  bbam

Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.

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The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.

Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.

Really.  Did they even have the date right?  Where is everyone?

When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.

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Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.

Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.

Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.

Each other, basically.

Ashlee didn’t get it.  Lynn really didn’t get it.  Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes.  And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course.  Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.

And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.

Maybe she’d be back.  Maybe not.  Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis.  Maybe not.

Brynn could stay for now, tho.

At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.brNo big fight this time.  No real last minute drama.

The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.

Right, Holly?

hf

So, yeah.  I guess we’re done here.

See you next time.

Or not.

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Dance Moms: Attention Shoppers. The ALDC Team Is Once Again Available In Toddler Sizes. The Minis Are Here.

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016

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Lawd, just gimme the strength to keep my hair on point with all of these screaming babies.

 

 

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So if that’s not the real Justin Bieber teaching our kids Hip Hop, Imma need to update Instagram.

 

 

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No. I’m serious. I will literally stab myself with this curling iron if she wears pigtails again.

 

 

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Why do we have to park out back by the dumpster? That meter has been empty for 3 weeks.

 

 

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Mama’s got her sensible shoes on today, so if you all wanna run back to PA we can do this.

 

 

tlc

 

 

I specifically gave her a Toddlers & Tiaras name, but then TLC cancelled the show. So here we are, Lifetime.

 

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These chicks are straight up crazy. Just gimme my trophy so I can get back to Foot Locker.

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

It’s always the quiet ones.

And the little ones.  Definitely the little ones.

Those are the ones you really gotta look out for.  Just ask anyone at the ALDCLA.

And they’d know, because after weeks of build-up it was the Invasion Of The Minis.

In an effort to extend the shelf life of her brand…and since there is still no Time Machine invented that will allow us to go back and relive these Dance Moms memories again…

originalAbby Lee Miller had begun the search for the next generation of bite-sized wannabes to carry on her ALDC Legacy.  Pittsburgh 2.0, as it were.

Side note:  Look at those little niblets sitting on the floor right there.  They’re like 2 years old.  Where did the time go?  And where did Brooke and Paige and Chloe and Vivi go?

Gimme a moment.
oprah-cryingAs everyone lined up for the Pyramid of Shame in their new sparkly LA workout gear, Abby announced the impending arrival of the MiniSquad.

Hand-picked at a recent cattle call audition (…that for some reason required two bowls of munchies that were off limits to that other guy there…) the new crop of dancers would be training at the studio, but not competing at this time.  And since none of them were old enough to drive yet, they would most likely be accompanied by their mothers.

twoDance Moms Math:  More Moms = More Drama.  Just throwing that out there.

Holly Math:  Junior Team + MiniSquad + TMZ + Only 24 Hours In A Day = Trouble.

We heart Holly.  She has a PhD, you know.  Not in Math.  I forget what it is, but I know it’s not Math.  But somehow she still figured out that this was not gonna work out very well.

And then she made this HollyFace.

hfA number of times, actually.

Season Six is looking like a banner year for the #HollyFace hashtag.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Kendall, Nia (…“Excuse me Boo, you’re in my way”…) Sioux and Mackenzie or MackZ or whatever it is now.  I thought we were back to just plain Mackenzie Ziegler, but then Abby referred to her in the past-tense and I got confused.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, who for some reason looked more like Maddie‘s sister than Maddie’s sister did this week.

Top o’ the Heap:  Kalani!  It wasn’t really clear if she was Top Dawg for her dancing skills or for not misplacing her newborn brother, because Abby kind of slipped Jett‘s birth announcement in with some rambling sumthin sumthin about being a good babysitter and Pyramid rankings.  But either way…congrats.

Yes.  The TV World finally caught up with the Real World and Kira had that baby!

Kisses.  What a peanut.

640_jett2This week, the gang was headed to the Devotion 2 Dance Competition.  I love when everyone cheers and gets all excited before Abby even finishes the sentence.  They don’t even know what they’re clapping for yet.

Kendall scored a solo titled ‘All Eyes On Me’ while JoJo got her BowBow yanked out and was handed an ‘I’ll Show You The Dark Side’ character solo.

Side note:  Maddie was MIA again, strictly observing Abby’s new moratorium on not doing any outside activities other than dancing at the ALDCLA by doing an outside activity that didn’t involve dancing at the ALDCLA.

I swear.  Dance Rules are harder to understand than Dance Math.

Melissa‘s hair looked nice, BTW.

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The group routine was going to be a Hip Hop number called ‘Straight Outta Pittsburgh’ because Gianna was nowhere to be found and the internet has yet to beat this one into the ground, yo.  And neither have I, apparently.

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You heard me.  Hip Hop.

The kids went bonkers, especially when Rumor Noel and some guy named Guy Amir came running into the studio.  Dat’s rite.  Two ALDCLA faculty members were gonna drop it like it was hot this week!!  Lyrical Whaaaat?

These.  Two.  Can.  Dance.

Hat Fact:  When they blur out the logo on your snapback, you know you’re a rockstar.

And then the Minis arrived.

Hundreds of them.  All at once.  And so cute.

gallery-1447351903-giphyOne of them even looked like she was a newborn.  But she made it inside with a little help.

orange-the-golden-retriever-puppy-needs-a-little-help-going-down-the-slide

And then the Moms came in and the party really got started.

Side note:  These Pageant Name Generating Machines.  Where do I get one?

We met Tiffanie and her daughter Alexus, who I assume was named after somebody else named Alexis and the luxury automobile they use to carpool to dance class.

We also met Sari and her daughter Areana.  Very smiley, I must say.

And then it was Kerri and her daughter Peyton.  Was it just me, or did she introduce her daughter like “I just got these Louboutins at Nordstrom and had to Pay a Ton.”  You hear that?  Not Peyton.  Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton.

I liked her just for that, because you know I’m all about the drama.

And don’t forget Mary and her daughter Alysa.  She was missing an ‘S‘ in her name, but immediately got Bonus Points for dressing up like my favorite Star Trek character from the Shatner days.  I love whatever that is that’s going on in her hair right now.

stThis show.  I swear.  We love these kids.

If there’s not a Season 7, Bryan Stinson‘s gonna have to change his phone number.

The next day as the Minis all bounced around like they were inside one of those germ infested inflatable Chuck E. Cheese castles, the big girls got to getting their Hip Hop on with the help of…count ’em…not one, but THREE boy dancers!

YAAAAS!  Abby surprised the team with the addition of a dude trio who all danced like *NSYNC and yet somehow still looked like they should be hosting Blue’s Clues.

Ryan, Blake and Kenneth were in the ALDC hizzle, fo’ shizzle.

And let’s just say The Three Musketeers had it going on.  Boom.

Oh.  Holly and Melissa kept making these faces every time they stepped on a Mini.

Those little babies were Every.  Where.

mhTo up the ante a little bit, Abby had Brynn learning Kendall’s solo right alongside her, for no apparent reason other than to push all of my MomCrush Jill‘s buttons.

Spoiler Alert:  It was working.

Nia was also tag teaming JoJo’s routine, just in case, but the two of them seemed to be playing quite nicely together.  When the BowBow comes off, JoJo seems to lose some of her SpazSpaz.  She and her Mom make me spit out my drink every time they open their mouths.

Side note:  If you watch all the Minis running around and imagine a doggy squeak toy going off every time they take a step, it’s pretty hilarious.  I wish I had sound effects.

As solo rehearsals progressed, Jill was getting more protective of Kendall’s personal space and attempted to create some kind of Invisible Dance Moms Force Field around her daughter to keep Brynn from getting all up in her grill.

Ashlee picked on Jill.  Jill picked on Ashlee.  These two did this again.

mhAnd then Jill finally warned Ashlee to take it down a notch, sistah.

Remember the ALDC Pecking Order.

Hashtag: I Died.  Jill Vertes quoted RuPaul’s Drag Race and now I’m done for day.

not-today2Lucky for us, yet unfortunate for the children caught in the crossfire, the Drag Queen Drama continued when Brynn (…allegedly…) got too close to Kendall’s imaginary bubble and Jill noted that if Ashlee’s kid had a brain in her head she would move out of the way.

Ladies.  Start your engines.

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Jill and Ashlee tore into the studio.

aj

Jill said whatever this was…

j1And then said something else that got the snapback treatment…

jBack out in the hallway, Jill told Brynn she should have stepped aside and not been in front of Kendall and that she should never talk back to adults when Brynn tried to explain that she didn’t do anything wrong and would have moved if she was aware that she had been in anybody’s orbit which Jill may or may not have believed which in turn made Brynn cry and caused Ashlee to come (drag)racing over to yank her baby away from Jill who just kinda stood there for a second while Mackenzie decided she should be crying too for some reason while everyone got dragged into what was either a voting booth or a Macy’s fitting room to have a group meltdown while Melissa tried to run to the rescue in the most inappropriately high stilettos for such an activity.

And the whole thing totally deserved that one long run-on sentence.  So you’re welcome.

I live for editing.  There.  I said it.

Did I forget to mention that Holly swooped in to snatch all the kids out of harm’s way?

Because she did.  Totally.  Because that’s what she always does in a crisis.

Remember when this happened…

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And then this happened…

tumblr_n0vak1nSo31qk08n1o2_500And Holly was all like…

tumblr_mn9y8nUs9u1qdwtljo1_r2_400And then she was all like “EverybodyOutGetTheKidsOutEverybodyOutGetTheKidsOut!!!” 

BY06jWmI love how Holly’s immediate instinct is to always Save The Children.

And make this #HollyFace all the time, of course.  That’s key.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500The next day, everyone was licking their wounds and giving SideEye when one of the Minis had a MiniMeltdown and wanted to leave California for ever.

I’m done.  Done.

pyt

Tiny Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton didn’t wanna play no more and wanted to take all her toys and go home.  She was almost at the Hiccup Crying stage fercryingoutloud, the poor thing.  Nobody even offered her a kleenex.

Dance Moms Rule #1:  Everybody has to quit at least once and come back.

It’s in the contract, honey.

So they did.  Abby trailed them out into the parking lot and convinced them to come back inside and watch the rehearsals.  Which they did.  So one crisis averted.

For now, anyhooo.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Safety First:  If Kendall doesn’t get off that damn phone when she’s walking into the venue every week she’s gonna fall in an uncovered sewer department manhole someday.

I swear.  Kids and their electronics.

It was also time for Abby to receive a call from her lawyer regarding all the hidden profits from this whole extravaganza.  The alleged ones, I mean.  Almost forgot that part.

aI guess Saving All Those Tears For Your Pillow doesn’t qualify as a rule when you’re looking at a couple years in the slammer, because Abby cried and then cried some more and then took off in her car for the rest of the episode, after putting on the most comfortable looking fur-lined teal old lady moccasins I’ve evah seen and then blowing me a personal air kiss out the window.

She’s outta here till next week.

Backstage, Jill kinda sorta apologized for yelling or not yelling at Brynn and Ashlee told Jill she was sorry that Jill was such a bitch.  Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I couldn’t follow it either.

But Ashlee was all like…

Bianca-Del-Rio-RuPauls-Drag-Race-Really-bitch-Gif

…and then Jill looked at her all like…

anigif_enhanced-26297-1391614135-6

So, yeah…that went nowhere.

Side note:  The fact that Bianca Del Rio is wearing the same top that Jill was wearing when she flipped out on Abby just proves that all my worlds are slowly colliding and there’s nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable.  Pray for me.

Speaking of old ladies, tho.  (The slippers…not Jill and Ashlee.  Gah.)  Somebody needs to send me the youtube link to whatever dance troupe did that crazy routine with the Nicki Minaj nursing home ladies pushing walkers who booty slapped themselves and then went to Old Country Buffet.  Please tell me you see that number when they cut back from commercial.  That was whack.

Kendall’s solo went well, even though Ashlee felt otherwise.  JoJo’s makeup and solo were both equally crazy.

And then the Blue’s Klues Krew arrived in the Green Room to show the West Coast how the almost East Coast Pittsburgh do it.

This kids’ face, tho.  Welcome to the ALDCLA, sparky.

wtfThe Hip Hop number was In. Sane.

Saluting both Pittsburgh’s 412 area code and Vivi-Anne’s legendary Bee Costume…

v2…the ALDCLA wrecked the place.

kjI think Nia got dis, ‘mmmkay?

niaNailed.  It.

And of course, it took First Place.

Not that the emcee could read her card with those crazy bangs she was styling.

But they won.  Trust me.

JoJo came in Second in her age division.  Despite Ashlee’s grumblings, Kendall scored First Place in her age category and even got to stand next to a little girl who looked like she was plucked right off the Olympic medal risers.  You see that?

And then it was over.

Hip Hop Redemption.

And a Mini Invasion.

Just another week at the ALDCLA.

Time to back this thing up and buzz outta here.

See you next time.

vivi-stein-bee-dance


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