Posts Tagged ‘Director Jimmy Chriss’

Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown Part Two. You Might Wanna Hold On To Your Hats…And iPhones.

Wednesday, May 6th, 2015

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You do really well and Mama will get you a phone just like Jill’s for your birthday. You’ll see.

 

 

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Just so we’re all clear.  Mess with my kid, my hair or my Apple products…I mess YOU up, ‘kay?

 

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Honey, is that your Mama over there talking to a chair? I thought we weren’t gonna do that again.

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#SitInYourOwnChair

 

 

 

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Do I smell cake?

 

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No lie. That one lady snatched that other lady’s iPhone and she went completely P-Town on her a**.

 

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Tell me this chick is not taking a damn selfie in the middle of my big scene? Can we start over?

 

 

 

So long, Pittsburgh.

It was fun while it lasted, but Hollywood is calling.

After months and months…and months…of threats and promises, Abby Lee Miller and her Dance Moms are finally ready to unleash the ALDC LA on an unsuspecting West Coast.  It’s been a long time coming and now it was finally about to happen.

But not until they get one last Pittsburgh competition under their belt.

Needless to say, Ms. Miller wanted to leave Pittsburgh a winner, which meant that at this week’s Starbound National Talent Competition the dancing needed to be turnt up, the bad attitudes turned around and (…spoiler alert…) the Find My Phone apps turned on.

Trust me on that last one.  Just turn ’em on now.

Right out of the gate, it was already Showtime!

But as the team entered the venue this week, it was a little anti-climactic.h

True, the usual mob of screeching tweeny boppers posting to Instagram in real-time were all there, screaming and uploading smiley face emojis like it was their day job, but with only two ALDC dancers making up the entire entourage it felt a little more like a bunch of Moms dropping their kids off at the Mall for a few hours.

Dat’s rite.  Count ’em.  Two ALDC dancers.

Nia and JoJo were the only girls to arrive with the Moms.  All the other ALDC team members were still MIA at the JUMP Dance Convention across town, doing whatever it was they were signed up to do at the event.  It wasn’t very clear if they were taking classes, teaching classes, competing or just there for free loot at the trade show.  But regardless, whatever it was they were doing was making them late, because they should have been at Starbound by now and that didn’t happen.

Side note:  Depending on which search engine you use, if you type in “JUMP” without the “Dance Convention” part you can end up with directions to one of those places that rent inflatable bouncy castles for birthday parties, buy the Pointer Sisters Greatest Hits album on eBay or sign yourself up for parachute lessons.  Which in itself is hilarious if you start imagining the Moms shoving each other out of moving airplanes, because I really thought it might come down to that this week.

Jump For My Love.  Google it, kids.  It’s a classic.

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All the other Moms were in the Starbound hizzle, but none of their daughters.  Just Sasha Nia, who was still wearing her new Hashtag: StarInYourOwnLife hair and JoJo, who was continuing her gradual transition from Honey Bow Bow Child to just plain JoJo.

Question:  Is JoJo’s head getting bigger or are her hair accessories getting smaller?  I swear, sometimes she even throws caution to the wind and goes without anything attached to her head at all.  And honestly, I’m not sure I even want to live in a world without a Bow Bow JoJo.  What if those big things are the source of all her nonsensical wackiness and she starts being just a normal kid now?  Bor.  Ing.

Along with the screaming masses, the Candy Apples brigade was also on hand to welcome the ALDC to the glass ceiling-ed, generically titled Cultural Center.  Let’s just say that natural sunlight is not always a friend to overly processed hair and keep the story moving right along.

Somehow, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her MomSquad managed to immediately get into the middle of the ALDC in-fighting as Holly and Jessalynn tried to figure out why so many of their own ALDC kids were missing.  Everyone was talking over everybody else and pointing and accusing each other of keeping secrets and not sharing texts and blah to the blah about why Abby double booked everyone at two different events and why Cathy carries that damn megaphone with her everywhere she goes.

No lie.  She had that bullhorn again.  Attention, shoppers.

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Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Biker Bar black leather jacket with Joan Collins meets Joan Crawford meets Tom Brady Superbowl shoulder pads.  And it was fringed.  The long kind of fringe that made the 1960s so groovy and got everyone arrested at Woodstock.

 And her Bump-It was bumped up to the Gawdz, hunty.  It was a Defining Moment.

Cathy finally took off up this ridiculously long staircase to who knows where.  Then Holly followed, calling Jill something bad on her way up to the penthouse.  And then Jessalynn, who had remarkably sparkly shoes for an early daytime event, called Jill a Bitch before she ran out of breath half way up the stairs.

Srsly.  Does this show ever film at a location with elevators?

Backstage in the makeup room, Holly and Jill continued their heated exchange.  Fringe and mouths were flapping everywhere but nobody was really getting anywhere.  No one could explain how the rest of the girls ended up at JUMP (…which was already 2.75 hours behind schedule…) while JoJo and Nia were sitting all alone in their track suits waiting for whoknowswhat to happen.  Nia’s hair looked fierce, tho.

Speaking of.  Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  She tried out another bouncy beachy wavy thing that I liked better than last week’s Priscilla Presley helmet, but it didn’t really even matter because we found out that she left her kids a note by their dance bags.  mel

And a banana.

And then took off before they even woke up.

Wait.  What?

One.  What does that even mean?  And how early do you have to get up in the morning that you can leave your kids two bananas and be out the door before they even wake up?

Two.  Is that their entire breakfast?  One banana each?  Really?  The most important meal of the day?  No wonder Mackenzie falls down so much.  You call it gymnastic acro.  I call it light headedness and low blood sugar.  At least we know they’re getting enough potassium to prevent charlie horses in the middle of the night.

Three.  What did the note say?  If that’s all they’re eating for the day, I don’t think anyone needs to remind them to shovel it down.  Inquiring minds just need to know, that’s all.

Four.  If any of you need to leave now, this Candy Apple Mom’s face pretty much summed up the rest of the episode.  I don’t know who she is, but I love her because she thinks white people are crazy.

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Five.  That was a joke.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  I love her almost as much as she (…used to…) love me.  And I think white people are crazy, too.  Because I’m one of them.

So relax.

But the show must go on, right?  With only minutes to go, Abby tossed Nia and JoJo a bone and gave them Kalani and Kendall’s solo spots on the schedule.  Nia was going to recycle a routine that she already knew, while JoJo was gonna wing it with an improv.

No pressure there.  But that’s how it might go down in the Real World.  Or so Abby said.

And then Jill and Holly went another round or ten.

Jill didn’t understand why Holly couldn’t just be happy that Nia got a solo.  Holly was happy that Nia got a solo, but also quickly figured out that the only other available soloist in the room was a piece of furniture and somehow Hashtag: EmptyChair started trending across America.  Sometime the internet scares me.

Holly did this a lot…

h1 (1)And quite a bit of this, which I found enjoyable…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…which, going forward, is exactly how I plan to respond to all negative website feedback, so you can probably save yourself some aggravation and don’t even bother.  Mmmkay?

For the last time.  I know Melissa feeds her kids.  Gah.

Side note:  “NOTICE: This room is being monitored for your safety.”  Did you see that posted sign on the wall?  The one at the very top of this recap?  They showed it a lot, but it was clearly just for the Legal Department because Cathy & Crew kept running in and out of the ALDC makeup room like they owned the place.  And that is clearly a bigger safety issue than any broken ladder or running with scissors.  It was a mess.

I also can’t believe they still make that kind of pencil sharpener.  The one that was screwed into the wall.  Who even uses pencils anymore?  Don’t kids just use the stylus that comes with their iPads?  And when did I get so old?

I mean, like…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500(Clearly, this HollyGif is going to come in handy for almost unlimited scenarios.)

Just think.  Pretty soon, if I keep using it over and over and over you’ll all be like…

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Ok.  I’m done now.

Finally, it was the showtime part of Showtime!

Nia nailed her solo.  Girrrrl, pleez.  That new music video experience gave her so much more hair and confidence that I wish I hadn’t already used my HollyGif three times.

Because, you know.  Nia.

Props to my MomCrush who came through and admitted that no matter what differences she and Holly and the other Moms may have, they will always support Nia and the girls.  And that made me smile, because kids always come first.  Remember that.

Ava was up next with her ‘Hurtful Words’ solo.  Mom Jeanette had gotten her own hair under control just in time for the show (…is it curly and she straightens it or is it straight and she frizzes it?…) and proudly watched her daughter’s legs grow even longer as the routine progressed.  I don’t know what you call that push-up thing she did with one leg on the ground and other leg up on her shoulder, but it was redoink.  Ava can dance.

Period.  End of story.

JoJo finished up the solo portion of the program by just running around the stage and randomly doing stuff.  Improv is her thang and she got it done.

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She even did this almost to the ground split whatchamacallit, hanging out two inches from the floor for at least ten minutes before finally dropping it like it’s hot.  Let’s just say I can’t even walk this morning and I only watched it on TV.

Ouch.

Backstage, Cathy & Crew disregarded the OSHA signage again and stampeded the ALDC makeup room to toss iParty stars into the air in celebration of Nia’s solo and music video.  I felt bad for JoJo, who just kinda stood there.  She is a star, too.  And I’m sure (…spoiler alert…) she’ll have a song or something before you know it.

I Can Make You Dance.  Just saying.

And how about when Cathy dissed MackZ’s Girl Party video?  That woke up Mama Bear.

Luckily, the group routines kicked in before Melissa and Cathy started rolling around on a floor covered in glitter stars.  Which would probably bring in a substantial amount of additional revenue if Lifetime ever wanted to get a slice of the the Pay-Per-View pie.

Think about it, guys.  You can even steal my idea as long as I get ringside seats.

Candy Apples was up first with their salute to Vivi-Anne‘s new status as an American Citizen.  You go, girl.

You go and get some ice cream when this is over, because you did awesome.

vivNow you know I love me some droopy loopy little Vivi-Anne, but I swore if she just ran across that stage waving a flag and then exited Stage Right, I was never going to watch this show again.  You have no idea.

Thankfully, she actually danced a little once she climbed up to the top of that homemade 2×4 (…you couldn’t have painted it?…) Olympic Medal Stand and kind of looked like the Mini-Me version of some international singer whose name escapes me right now.

Not JLo.  But somebody else.

I heart Vivi-Anne. I bet her citizenship papers even say ‘WTF’ somewhere on them.

Jeanette’s Fenton, MI-based Broadway Dance Academy (…I still don’t know why that cracks me up…) was next with their hip hop D-Town’ jam.

Something about little girls doing hip hop always reminds me of the good ol’ Toddlers & Tiaras days, not that that’s a bad thing.  And it’s nice to know that not every hip hop girl has to suds up the hood of a Mustang in booty shorts while she’s getting spanked.

But it still felt a little like American Girl Dolls Gone Wild, which sounds way creepier when I say it out loud.  They wrecked it, tho.  And it wasn’t lyrical.  So there’s that, too.

Bonus Points for the girl who was all like “YeahICanSeeYouAin’tReadyYet.”

Side note:  We did get to see the top of Rachelle Rak‘s head, tho.  And her nose.  She was a judge, so it was a good day in the D-Town ‘hood, yo.hj

Sas.

Freakin’ finally, the rest of the ALDC girls showed up.

And then it went from panic to PANIC.

Nobody was in makeup.  Nobody was in costume.  Some of them showed up with blue lipstick on.  Some didn’t.  Some still had Burger King on their face.  It was MamaMadness as everyone ran in circles looking for bronzer and face goop and anything with glitter on it so the girls didn’t get pushed out on stage wearing logo sweatpants.

Side note:  How about when Melissa screamed “Mackenzie needs ABS?!!!!”

Don’t we all, honey.  It’s been a looong winter.

Side note Numero Dos:  If all she ate today was a banana, I’m thinking her abs are already showing up just fine.  Probably her ribs, too.  So stop you’re worrying and put some clothes on your kids before they announce Final Call.

Which they did.

Right under the wire, the ALDC made it onto stage.

And killed their No Sign Of Life dance.  Killed it dead.  And won First Place.

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For the rest of the scores, you’re going to have to hit up a chat room or something, because our focus right now needs to be in the hallway backstage.

Where.  It.  All.  Went.  D-Town.

Side note:  You know when the entire camera crew (…except for that one guy who was too scared to come out and kept peeping through the crack of the back door…) is in the hallway, it’s gonna be a good one.

Add in cream cheese frosting and a long day….?  You just wait.

After getting hopped up on celebratory Hollywood Here We Come Cake, Abby and the Moms all ran smack into Cathy & Crew in the hallway.  Jeanette asked Abby what she thought of Ava’s performance and it all went downhill from there.

Somehow the discussion turned into some Vivi-Anne bashing, which got Cathy right up in Abby’s face, snapping her Joan Rivers Readers dangerously close to the same nose that Kelly Hyland touched right before she ended up on TMZ.

Jill thought it was hilarious and might possibly be something that should be recorded on her cellphone for posting at a later date of her choosing.

Until Cathy snatched her phone out of her hands, that is.

I mean…SNATCHED.  Like…snatched.

Say it with me:  Jill lost her nutty.  Lost.  It.

GIVE

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ME

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MY PHONE!

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Lawd have mercy.

The Mom who has the daughter with ears almost as big as mine had to jump right in between the two of them before they made contact.  And then Holly came up as a second line of defense, shouting “NO NO NO”  with her Louis bag in the crook of her arm like she was criticizing Cathy for carrying the wrong bag with the wrong outfit or something.

Something about the way she said it sounded so Fashion Police.

We love Holly.

I never seen so many camera people and and production people and innocent bystanders trying to purchase Starbound merchandise going totally spaz in one place before.  The guy who used to star in The Commish and The Shield even came out of nowhere to try and pull them apart.  He has a goatee now, BTW.

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It was CrazyPants.  Dot com.

One of the Candy Apple Moms was so busy youtubing the whole circus that she almost got konked by one of those fuzzy microphones on a stick that always fall into the shot during a rumble.  Pay attention, lady.

Finally, somebody threw raw meat in two different directions and the ladies separated long enough for The Commish to rip a few fringes off Jill’s jacket.  Even the guy who was too scared to come out had to come out it was such a scene.

And then it was over.

The whole season, actually.  Or at least the first half.  You know how Lifetime do.

So catch your breath.  For a few days, anyway.

Next week it’s The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Reunion.

The Dress Up Episode.

Holly…should I wear my fancy stuff?

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Dance Moms: It’s The Final Pittsburgh Showdown And There’s Just Enough Time To Finally Star In Your Own Life.

Wednesday, April 29th, 2015

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Hold up. When I left for the Grammys, didn’t Miss Sasha here have short hair? Mind. Blown.

 

 

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It’s nice to see you again, too, ma’am. But let’s keep both jazz hands up where I can see ’em, ‘kay?

 

 

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Don’t ask.

 

 

 

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So I taught myself how to do the Kylie Jenner Challenge just by watching a youtube video.

 

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No lie. Took her two tries. First time she couldn’t get the shot glass off her face.

 

 

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She knows she’s got it on speaker, right? No clue who that boy is, but he sure sounds FABULOUS!

 

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I don’t know what’s in this Häagen-Dazs, but it’s seriously some good s***. God Bless America.

 

 

 

A few notes before we even begin:

One.  Vivi-Anne is back.

I repeat.  Vivi-Anne is back.  This is not a drill.

Cathy Nesbitt-Stein‘s (…Spoiler Alert?….) adopted Candy Apple was back where she belongs this week and I almost spit out my own ice cream sundae I was so excited.

How this kid doesn’t have her own spin-off show by now is beyond me.

Lucille Ball.  Carol Burnett.  And now Vivi-Anne.  The spoon has been passed.

Two.  For the four of you out there with dial-up and no cable who don’t know who the Kardashians are…the Kylie Jenner Challenge is when you stick a drinking glass or water bottle on your face and suck really hard until you have lips that look like those yellow floaties you put on babies so they don’t sink to the bottom of the pool.

Three.  Kylie Jenner swears those are her real lips.  Hilarious.

And Four.  Vivi-Anne is back.

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Dance Moms continued to rack up the frequent flyer miles this week as everyone returned to the Pittsburgh Mothership after a much more successful (…and slightly less stressful…) second Hollywood road trip.  Moms and kids alike were all glad to be back in familiar territory and sleeping in their own beds, but it was going to be short-lived because in seven days they would all be heading back to California yet again for the grand opening of Abby Lee Miller‘s West Coast ALDC division.

But Phase One of Abby’s plan for world domination would have to wait, because this week (…which is actually two weeks in TVTime and probably 6 months in DogYears…) was going to be packed full of dance.  And drama.  And even a music video premiere and some tasty dairy products.  A lot of stuff.

So let’s get going.

While they were in town, the gang would be competing at the Starbound National Talent Competition as well as doing whoknowswhat at the locally hosted JUMP Dance Convention (…which is a big dealio if you’re a dancer type, I guess…) so Abby had clearly already over extended herself before she even got to the Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone filed into the building and got their bearings after three weeks on the road, Kira was quick to point out that the dreaded Candy Apples Dance crew would be participating in the upcoming competition.  She saw it on Social Media.  Former ALDC wannabe-Dance Mom Jeanette Cota would be attending the competition as well, which Jessalyn also verified via Social Media.

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These Moms do love their Social Media.

Side note:  For all their tweeting and texting and Instagramming and iPhone-looking-at-ing (…is that even a real word?…) I did find it slightly ironic towards the end of the episode when my MomCrush Jill didn’t know what time it was because she wasn’t wearing a watch.  You know there’s an app for that, right?

I think I love Jill too much sometimes.

And speaking of.  Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Mama V is definitely at her best when she’s in the cooler Pennsylvania temperatures and can bust out her signature looks.  In my head I imagine that her walk-in closet looks exactly the Jim Henson design studios where they make Muppets.  Bright colors and shiny stuff and sequins and feathers and furry things as far as the eye can see.

You know I’m right.  And you know it must be awesome.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  I swear she doesn’t even wait for the Pyramid anymore.  Turns out that the highlight of Abby’s entire Hollywood trip was Maddie performing at the Grammys.  Because she did that.  And you didn’t.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved parking for Kendall, Mackenzie and Nia.  Did I mention that Kendall compared Cathy and Jeanette to alligators?  Because she did.  It didn’t really make much sense, but she’s so cute it doesn’t even matter.

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She gets it from her Mama, yo.

Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and Kalani filled the Pyramid mezzanine.  Which left the top wide open for Maddie…

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference #2:  …who performed at the 57th Annual Grammy Awards.  Which was the 57th time you didn’t.

Kendall and Kalani scored solos, while the group routine was going to be a deep, chilling sumthin sumthin that didn’t really matter since (…Spoiler Alert…) there was almost no dancing actually done on Dance Moms this week.  True, we saw a few little blips of rehearsals, but not much else.  I’m assuming that will all be coming next week in Part Two or they’re gonna need to change the title of this show.

Or maybe the dancing parts had to be cut out to make room for that bitter flashback of Abby’s former bestie who chewed his way through the restraints and ran to Ohio to choreograph a winning number for the Candy Apples.

Memo to self:  Don’t piss off Abby Lee Miller.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  I’m not sure what was happening this week.  My vote is still for last episode’s Ariana Grande poof, if anyone’s asking.  But honestly, until your kid has a music video or borrows Beyoncé‘s lip gloss backstage at the Grammys, you’re not even allowed to have an opinion.

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We love Melissa.  And her Priscilla Presley meets Open Sunroof bouffant.

As the girls got to rehearsing some dance about a helicopter looking for dead bodies, the Battle of the Video Vixens raged on upstairs in the MomPerch.  Jill and Holly were still at odds over their daughters’ competing (…or not competing…) music videos.  Jill said Holly just got lucky with all her fancy celebrity contacts.  (AwHellNah.  Was she talking smack about me on national television?)  Holly was just being a proud Mama.  Jill was jealous but not jealous.  Holly was bragging but not bragging.

And Mikey Minden was straight up FABULOUS.  Period.

Nia’s music video premier party was set for Valentine’s Day, which meant that all the other Moms were hemming and hawing about whether they could make it on such a romantical kinda day.  But they were all going to somehow manage to attend JUMP, so if you actually rewind the scene and watch the discussion a second time, nothing really makes sense.

While that conversation went in circles, we scooted across town to meet up with both the Candy Apples contingent and Jeanette’s Broadway Dance Academy posse.

Apparently, nobody wants to drive all the way to Ohio anymore, so both teams rented out the same space at the local docal Pittsburgh Arthur Murray Dance Studio.

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You remember Jeanette.  She’s the one who was part of last season’s ALDC Junior Select or Elite or Super Supreme whatever it was called team for a hot second before Abby kicked her daughter Ava to the curb for being too tall.  Jeanette owns the Broadway Dance Academy (…located in not-NYC Michigan, which is, by itself, somehow ironically hilarious…) and has hair that goes back and forth between straight and crazy with no rhyme or reason.  I really like her.  But she hates Abby.

Needless to say, crazy hair and a hatred for Abby immediately bonded her with Cathy when they collided at the studio later in the day.

Side note:  The Candy Apples Mom who always wears that choker from Claire’s and the other Mom who refuses to pin back her daughter’s floppy ears were also in the hizzle once again.  And before you hit ‘send’ on the hate mail, you know I’m just joking about her ears, because we’ve already discussed numerous times how my mud flaps are even more substantial than Chloe‘s.  So please don’t get me started again.

And then Cathy took Vivi-Anne out for ice cream.  Because…ice cream.

Seriously.  This kid.  Besides having what I can only assume must be off-the-chart calcium-enriched bone density, Vivi-Anne is a comic genius.

I still don’t know if it’s hay fever or lack of sleep or taking NyQuil when you should be taking DayQuil or if she’s just crashing from all that sugar, but Vivi-Anne don’t play.  At all.

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She also apparently Don’tGiveAF***.

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But she does love her ice cream.

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I also don’t know if she sleeps in one of those Michael Jackson oxygen chambers or what, because she looks exactly like she did five years ago when she was bumping into things wearing a bumble bee costume.  How is that even possible?

Newsflash:  Turns out that Vivi-Anne is not only adopted, but just recently got her American Citizenship and little flag-on-a-stick, which is beyond awesome for any child.  All kidding aside, that is an amazing accomplishment at any age.  And kudos to Mom for adopting, because so many kids need a home out there.

Now back to the kidding part.

Turns out that some of the sordid back-story between Abby and Chaos Cathy stems from Cathy not telling Vivi-Anne she was adopted.  Really.  Apparently Abby said something nasty about it at one time and Cathy has never forgiven her.  She may have forgotten to tell her kid she was adopted, but she never forgot how Abby made her feel.

Side note:  I don’t think you really need to graduate from the Sesame Street Police Academy to know that One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other.  Maybe that’s just me.

But whatever.  Because at the end of the day when she’s around her daughter, The Grinch’s small heart grows three sizes.  And Vivi-Anne gets a lifetime of Rocky Road.

Back at the ALDC, Holly hit up Jeanette on her Sidekick to invite the whole gang to Nia’s video premiere.  Because I guess they’re all friends now.  Which means that Holly has Jeanette AND Aubry O’Day in her speed dial.  She’s gonna need a bigger data plan pretty soon for all those fancy friends.vc

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Eye Twitch Tally:  I can’t count that high.

Side note:  I have a real problem with people who talk into the butt end of their cell phones like they’re some Real Housewife of Wherever.  I don’t know why, but I legit do.  So Cathy needs to stop doing that asap.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference #3:  Abby told KendallK that if she screws up her solo, she’ll never see the final cut of her own upcoming music video.  So Kendall better imagine her #WearEmOut song going to the Grammys like Sia and Maddie or she’ll never get to be Kendall with an extra ‘K’at the end.

Side note: Back at the Arthur Murray Studios, Ava’s solo was based on all the ‘Hurtful Words’ that Abby and others had thrown in her face over the years.

Like being too tall.  Too skinny.  Looking like a Praying Mantis.  And never eating.

I don’t who she is, but that Mama who piped up and was all like GurrlPleez!NotEating?ISeenYouAtTheTable basically made my entire night.  Maybe my week.  She needs to guest star on Vivi-Anne’s new sitcom during the first season, please.

Words can hurt, kids.  The More You Know.

And then Abby pulled together enough ALDC dancers to open the 2016 Olympics to tell everyone that even though she was (…or maybe was not, it wasn’t very clear…) moving to California, the Pittsburgh ALDC would go on like it always has until the end of time.

One.  Every tweenybopper with a cellphone probably had a meltdown when one of the dreamy Nick‘s was spotted in the crowd.  I forget which one he is.  I can’t remember if he’s the one who made Brooke swallow her gum or not.

Two.  Loud and Proud Christ-y Hunt made a cameo appearance, but she didn’t smack anybody around at the front desk this time.

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And Three.  There were certainly a lot of random babies in the front row that Maddie had to keep picking up.  She probably thought they were Grammy trophies.

Finally, it was #StarInYourOwnLife music video premiere time!

Holly and her husband Evan had taken over some Toddlers & Tiaras ballroom to reveal Nia’s slickly produced music video to an exceptionally hyper crowd.  Nia’s two brothers even skipped out on baseball or football or whatever it was practice to support their sister. The other Moms also managed to make it just in time for the viewing, but stood in the back looking kinda cranky.  I don’t know if it was editing or if Lifetime was pumping some stink into the room, but nobody looked very happy.  I’m going to assume it was for television, because I know they all support each other deep down and would all be there if they could.  Kids included.

Side note:  I miss Toddlers & Tiaras.  If they can put a man on the moon, I still don’t understand why they can’t get a kiddie pageant back on TLC.  Seriously.

Side note Numero Dos:  Holly was so proud I thought she was going to have an aneurism.  F’real.  I love when she gets so worked up over Nia.  It gives me the warm fuzzies.

I don’t care if you call it bragging or being proud or just needing to cut back on caffeine…it doesn’t matter.  Mama loves her baby.  And Mama gives the best pre-game pep talks.

Mama also said the word ‘Shenanigans’ which I don’t believe anyone has used since the Spring of 1924.  But I don’t have a PhD, so I can’t confirm it.  I know you shouldn’t end a sentence with the word ‘it’ but I’m not up on my Prohibition lingo.  Sorry.

And look at this little pipsqueak.  I swear he shaves his head every day, because he looks exactly the same whenever Holly posts a photo online.  Mama raised some Social Media heartbreakers, to be sure.

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JoJo showed up for the premiere, but the rest of the ALDC girls were either on Valentine’s Day dates or doing whoknowswhat at JUMP (…umm, competing maybe?  Der…) so they couldn’t make it.  But that wasn’t gonna stop the party.  Even Abby made it just under the wire.  Because you know That One loves a good party.

She also loves hugging Evan, apparently.  Did you see her trying to get a little sumthin sumthin after the video?  Back it up, honey.

The Professor is right over there and she can see you.

Oh.  I almost forgot.  The video.  Which was Off.  The.  Hook.

Nia was all like whipping it.

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And giving Janet Jackson hands everywhere.

tumblr_nnje3fZmGL1tb8iyko5_500And whatever you call that move.

tumblr_nnjeceRQd01tb8iyko4_400Dang, girl.  I’ll have what she’s having.

I offered to send Nia a metal ‘D’ made out of Home Depot lightbulbs so she could rearrange those background letters and spell ‘DAN’ for the remix version of the video, but she’s not responding to any of my tweets.  I’m going to assume that she’s just very busy.

Everyone loved the video.  Even Abby (…after she crushed two of Evan’s ribs…) had to admit that it was pretty sweet.  Of course she had to toss in one zinger at the end about Hashtag:  Starring In Your Own Real Life Not In Your Own Contrived Real Life, but I was too busy spray painting myself silver to get very twisted.

And then Jill, Melissa and Kira took off without even saying goodbye.  Jessalynn just kind of stood there, so it wasn’t clear if she wanted to stay or go with them or line up for the Evan One Dollah A Hug Booth.  He did look pretty fly in his suit.

But it didn’t matter who left or stayed.  Nia was having her Moment.  And that’s all that really mattered.  And anyone who wants to debate what a 13 year old’s video is ‘supposed’ to look like can show me their 13 year old kid’s video and then we’ll talk.

Part One was over.

Next week we’ll see how the dancing portion of the show works out before everyone heads back to Hollywood for Round Three.  We’ll also get to see what piece of awesomeness my MomCrush pulls out of her closet for the competition.  Because I know y’all love my Fashion Watch alerts.

Right, Jill?

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Or not, I guess.

Spoiler Alert:  Black leather.  With fringe.

I know, right?  Shut.  Up.

Nia.  Dance us out of here, will ya?

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Dance Moms: I Want My ALDC TV! It’s The Pop Star Music Video Battle When Kendall And Nia Sioux Go Hollywood.

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

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I said Who Run The World? Vertes Girls.

 

 

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Where did I park? This isn’t even my damn car! I swear LA is worse than the Mall at Christmas.

 

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I’ll gladly snap off Abby’s arms if she wants to see how hard it is to dance without jazz hands.

 

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Sweetie, Imma need you to get yo’ Mama under control or I swear she’s going in Time Out right now.

 

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When he said I was too tall to be in the video and to stop whipping my hair, it hurt my feelings.

 

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I feel just like one of the Kardashians. Except with talent. And natural beauty. And a job.  #SIYOL

 

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That was like really good. They totally get a unicorn sticker with a smiley face. And some glitter.

 

 

 

Attention.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your chopper engines.

And plug in your fog machine and marquee nameplate while you’re at it.

Because it’s the Battle of the Pop Stars: Video Edition.  And it starts right now.

As Abby Lee Miller and the Dance Moms crew got ready to say goodbye to Hollywood for a second time, they made sure to pack the final week with enough shocking plot twists and MTV-inspired Mama Drama to keep everybody on their pointed toes.  Video might not kill the ALDC stars, but it’s definitely going to take awhile for the bruises to heal.

The party started right out of the TSA security gate this week inside a super massive airplane hangar filled with enough MMC (…MilitaryManCandy…) to keep even Abby off her iPhone for a few hours.

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Atten-hut!  It was the filming of Kendall‘s “Wear Em Out” music video.

Part Vertes/Andrew Sisters doo wop, part Dance Dance Revolution for Xbox 360, Kendall and her girls busted their moves all over the place while a platoon of soldier boyz did their thang in the background.  Marching in formation, doing morning calisthenics and getting Poland Springs water thrown in their face by Abby, the troops somehow managed to keep it together as KendallK (…like MackZ, but with a ‘K‘…) unleashed her upcoming single in front of the cameras.

Or at least most of them kept it together.  Check out Left Shark here doing the wimpiest half-a**d jumping jack ever when Sergeant PrettyGirl walks by:

tumblr_nn6fh1kjIu1tb8iyko4_400Kendall is pretty, too.  Just like her sisters.  Who were also in the video.

I don’t really know how many Vertes Sisters there are, because every time you turn around it seems like there’s another one on Instagram going to Prom or CheerCamp or something.  But they’re all pretty, because they take after my MomCrush Jill.  And it’s not creepy at all that I know they’re on Instagram and have boyfriends.

And check out Right Shark here looking all nervous that his Mom is gonna find out he skipped school for the video shoot and see Abby Lee Miller rubbing his belly like she’s making some dirty wish on a Buddha statue:

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There was also a dog on set for some reason that kept showing up on social media.

And speaking of Social Media.  Hold that thought until we’re done the Pyramid of Shame.

Shocking Plot Twist #1: The Pyramid wasn’t a Pyramid.  It was just a stack of photos, two in each row.  I know, right?  Crazy pants.

JoJo and MackZ (…I think she might just be plain Mackenzie again right now…) were on the bottom.  Nia and Kalani were in the middle.  And then Kendall and Maddie were on the top.  So it was pretty much still a Pyramid, but just not in a triangle shape.  It was also kinda sorta implied that each level was a tie, but I didn’t think Abby allowed anyone to be tied with Maddie so I might have to refer to the judges for a decision.

Shocking Plot Twist #2:  Who.  Were.  Kids.

Seriously.  The judges at this week’s Dance Kids USA competition were going to be children.  Which must have made my new girlfriend Rachelle Rak throw something at her television when that was announced, because how can one week be judged by The Sas and then the next week be judged by three girls who probably still wear retainers to bed?

It’s like we’re living in a world with no rules now.  The Dance Apocalypse is upon us.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Maddie was going to perform at The Grammys this year.  Polite applause all around.mm

Hopefully Melissa still has that lawyer on speed dial from a few years ago (…when she was going to sue all the Original Recipe Moms for talking smack about her Boo…I mean, Boss…) because I think Sia adopted Maddie when nobody was paying attention.

And I’m not jealous at all.  I just want to be Maddie, that’s all.

JoJo and Kendall scored solos.  JoJo was going to be strapped inside a straight jacket and try to dance her way out of it like a spunky Houdini, while Kendall needed to learn how to fling around whatever those big sticks are called that drum majors use when they lead the band at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The group routine, entitled ‘Platinum,’ was a choreographed interpretation of record albums going platinum on the Billboard charts and would allow the girls to wear hats made out of leftover CDs since nobody buys CDs anymore.

Side note:  Every word out of Abby’s mouth this week came with an implied dig at Nia.

You can insert them wherever you’d like, because that woman was relentless when it came to creating competition between Kendall and Nia’s videos.

Abby was still mad that Holly (…allegedly…) went behind her back and took charge of Nia’s blossoming music career.  Holly was still mad that Jill was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls.  Jill was still mad that Holly was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls.

I was still mad that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial and won’t give me the number.

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I swear.  Everyone was mad about something.

Side note:  For a moment it almost felt like I missed an episode somewhere.  All of the sudden, Jill and Abby were BFFs (…remember when my MomCrush was still a Studio Hopping Cowboy Hat Wearing Blah Blah Blah?…) and Jessalynn and Kira‘s pinky swear pact to support Holly had somehow been rendered null and void since last week.

Is it just me?  Did I miss something?

As the girls rehearsed and the Moms chillaxed by the closed circuit SpyCam, Jill complained that Holly was doing nothing but name dropping every time she casually mentioned how excited she was for Nia’s upcoming video shoot.

Don’t shove it in my face, woman.

Let’s be honest here.  If Janet Jackson‘s makeup person was applying my chapstick for me, I would freakin’ put it on a t-shirt.  And a billboard.  And even the butt of my sweats like they do at Victoria’s Secret and then back dat thang all the way up Main Street.

(Maybe not the part about Kim Kardashian‘s hair stylist doing my hair.  Because, you know…Kim Kardashian.  I’d stick with the Katy Perry spin on that one.)

But the other part?  Fo’ sho.

Side note:  When Nia asked Abby if she would be able to come to her video shoot, she was so mature and level headed when Abby tried to punch her in the throat.  We could all learn a little something about keeping your s*** together from that girl.

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Holly and I both agreed that we would have lost our nutty on the spot, but Nia kept it together and politely agreed to disagree with Abby on the whole MattyBgate scandal.

And the Aubreygate scandal.  And the Momager/Managergate scandal.  And the TodrickHallgate scandal.  And the YouSoldOutgate scandal.

Apparently there are a lot of unresolved issues here.

But all that would have to wait.  Because it was time for Nia’s video shoot!

Which was Off.  The.  Hook.

You know how in soap operas when sometimes a little kid will go upstairs after dinner and then come down the next morning about 10 years older played by a totally different actor because they needed to speed up the storyline for May sweeps?  It was just like that.

Now you know I don’t like to play favorites, because all these girls are redoinkulously talented and deserve all the success and opportunities that this show has given them over the last five years.  But you also know that Nia’s my girl.

And now she’s all grown up and I’m a little emotional.

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Srsly.  When they slapped that weave on her head I was all like LaQuifaWhaaa—? and probably had the same face that Mackenzie has in that picture with Maddie up there.  The only way I can explain it is that somehow the Janet makeup brush must have still had Jackson DNA on it, because all of the sudden Miss Nia was legit FIERCE.

She popped it and locked it and bounced it and So You Think You Can Dance‘d it like a seasoned pro.  There was so much visual stimulation going on that Holly and I were both told to take a seat or risk being removed from the set.

Memo to choreographer Mikey Minden:  You might want to bring along JoJo’s straight jacket for the next shoot, because Mama was going off like she had just won a Dance Moms Meet & Greet or something.  Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to simmer down or go to the back of the line to catch your breath.

Check out Nia werkin’ it like I do when I try on last year’s summer clothes and they still fit:

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Aubrey even showed up wearing lipstick that was way too dark for that early in the day with a ginormous congratulatory floral arrangement.   FYI:  She hated Abby now.  And wanted to check her.  Like Shereè O’Day from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Who gon’ check me, Boo?  (A pointless reference if you don’t watch the show.)

I’m not even getting into how Fabulous Mikey Minden was this time around, because if you don’t already know that Mikey Minden is Fabulous, I just need you to stop reading this right now and walk away from your computer before somebody gets hurt.

Fab.  U.  Lous.  Fist Pump.  Sparkle Fingers.

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Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Melissa showed Abby all the social media postings that Holly had been sending out during Nia’s video shoot.

Side note:  Melissa probably wouldn’t have had to hold the phone so close to Abby’s face if she’d stop refusing to wear her readers while the cameras are rolling.  As much as Abby drives me crazy sometimes, I was sincerely concerned that all the bling from Melissa’s phone could possibly blind her if the sunlight caught it at just the right angle.

And then it slowly started to go downhill from here.

Abby didn’t approve of the new and improved Nia Sioux.  Or the tweet from Aubrey stating that Miss Frazier If You’re Nasty was gonna kill any other Dance Moms video in the history of Dance Moms videos.  Kill it.

The next day, everything completely unraveled when Abby took everyone to see the new ALDC LA space she had just rented.  As she took the girls inside to check out their new West Coast crib, she left all the Moms outside.

Alone.

Which is never a good idea anymore.

Jill and Holly went at it.ma

Holly couldn’t understand why none of the Moms were willing to celebrate Nia’s success for one day.  Just one day, people.  She’s been supporting all the girls since way back when Brooke was still getting cake in the face on Date Night, so it didn’t really seem like an unreasonable request to me.

As always, since you know I hate confrontations, we’re skimming over most of the street fight.  You can debate who was right and who was wrong in the chat rooms or in the comment section down below.  I don’t like when people fight.

Jill got mad and claimed that Holly clearly went over the posted internet limit for video shoot postings, which I didn’t know even existed out there on the world wide web.  Holly yelled.  Jill yelled.  They both talked with their hands a lot while the other Moms casually drifted in and out of both sides of the argument.

And then the whole thing just turned into a sloppy Mom on Mom pig pile.  Abby even came outside and made things worse by stating that there was a lot of content in Nia’s video that she didn’t care for and pushed every one of Holly’s buttons she could reach.  Here we go.

Side note:  If we’re looking to find any humor in such a sad situation, Holly reminded me of myself in high school when I used to have fights outside the building while waiting for the bus to take me home.  I’d yell and walk away and then think of something else to say and come back and then walk away and then come back with yet another zinger.  I think I even had those Jordache jeans she was wearing with the big pocket stitching.

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I swear, if they had Fitbits back in the good ol’ days I could have burned off my 10,000 daily steps just fighting over who said what at the the last cafetorium dance.  Dump me because I’m too short?  Really?  Well, I’m still short and you’re still a bitch.

Wait.  What?

Holly wanted to know how silver body paint was any worse than a nude body suit.

OhNoSheDin’t.  A Sia jab?

Boom.  Slam-dunk.  Nothing but net.

But it was sad.  And Holly cried in somebody’s car, which made me sad.  She wanted to share the joy with her friends, but they were Abby’s friends now I guess.

Whoever let her sit in their car was a nice person, tho.  So she has at least one friend.

And that’s a good thing, right?  I don’t like it when my Moms fight.  Especially when there’s a whole underlying life lesson to be learned about support systems and a Mother’s love and friendships and standing up for your beliefs and values.

Let’s face it.  I’m not big on grown up stuff.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  That was the biggest butterfly blouse I’ve ever seen.

We love Jill.  Period.  End of sentence.

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JoJo’s solo was sufficiently crazy, but unfortunately did not even place in the competition.  When her arms finally came out of the straight jacket, it was like she trying to scale the walls of the ALDC Asylum and get the heck out of Dodge.  I feel your pain sometimes.

I believe that JoJo is contractually obligated to only wear her side pony on the left.

Kendall’s solo was sufficiently Macy’s, but only scored Fifth Place.  Abby told her backstage that if she cried she would have to do 100 push ups, most likely with her mother on her back the way things were going this week.  Later in the afternoon when JoJo cried she didn’t have to do push ups, unless they just didn’t show them on television.

Side note:  Was this event held in a prison?  Did you see those lockers and that hallway?

The group routine reminded me of choreography that Chloe should have danced for some reason.  Not sure why.  But it made me miss her.  Hey, Chloebird.  Sup?

Side note again:  During the group routine a little balloon popped up in the bottom left corner of my screen that said “Follow Lifetime on Instagram for more hairstyle pics.”

Let me get right on that.

Luckily, the ALDC group dance took First Place, which was the trophy Abby wanted the most.  The rest of the chaos didn’t really matter now, since they were heading back to Pittsburgh in the morning, though I did notice my girl Nia run to that back curtain wall at a pretty good clip.  I’m assuming it was for bagels.

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Because that’s where they keep them, remember?  The More You Know, kids.

And then it was over.

The music videos were off somewhere in post-production and the Moms were a divided mess.  Hopefully they can fix that asap because it’s giving me anxiety.

Throughout all the drama, somehow, the girls were still supported by their Moms, each other and their fan base.

Nia Nation and Kendall Kingdom (…I just made that up…) rallied behind their faves and sent them internet huggies all night.  Friends and Family are important.  And not just for the 25% discount at Lord & Taylor twice a year.

Oh.

I almost forgot.

The judges.  They had glitter cups, Britney headsets and booster seats.  It was awesome.

Only in Hollywood, I guess.

Pittsburgh…we’re coming home.

#StarInYourOwnLife

#WearEmOut

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