Posts Tagged ‘Gina Torres’

Dance Moms: Holy Toledo, Batman! It’s Another Chance To Blame It All On Ohio…Or Maybe Just That New Girl.

Wednesday, March 12th, 2014

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Just saying I’m into stocky guys and dudes with funny hats. Think we can make this happen?

 

 

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Lawd have mercy. I’m gonna have to write a whole other book just to get that outta my head.

 

 

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I don’t recall that Dr. Beyoncé lady’s hair looking like that last year on the Zenith. Do you, Bernice?

 

 

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It’s called a smokey eye. Doesn’t anyone read Cosmopolitan Magazine anymore?

 

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Haters gonna hate. But sometimes it’s just good to be Jill. It’s ok to be jealz.

 

 

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Srsly. What the hell? A haunted house? I never had to put up with all this s*** in Miami, bitches.

 

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OhMyGod! We took the wrong dog home from the nursing home last night!

 

 

 

Finally.

Mystery solved.

I think I finally figured out what’s on that sheet of paper that Melissa is always holding during competitions.  When she isn’t texting, I mean.

She must be keeping track of all the new faces that come and go through the revolving door of the ALDC.  That has to be what she’s doing.  Because without some kind of spreadsheet I don’t think that even Abby Lee Miller could remember who gets to keep their logo tank tops for another week and who has to wash and return them before hitting the road.  Don’t cut the tags off just yet, kids.

Dance Moms was back this week with yet another stray child attempting to score a permanent locker and snappy track jacket of their own.  And the pressure was building.

Because Eight is great.  And Nine is fine.  But then again…there’s Ten.

I don’t know if they were referring to winning streaks or newbie dancers, but everyone kept rhyming stuff for the full hour like it was Seussical the Musical.

Good Golly, Miss Molly.  Buy that book by Dr. Holly.

This week started out in the lobby again, with Abby and her trusty sidekick Gianna chilling and gossiping and doing everything they could possibly think of to avoid having to organize that hot mess of a front desk.

Four seasons later, I’m beginning to realize that parking lot potholes and front desk clutter are two things I’m going to have to come to terms with or I’ll drive myself crazy.

Abby let Gia know that yet another spunky new kid would be joining them this week for a test run.  Fallon and her Mom Cheryl from the Orlando Open Call Auditions.

And in they came.  All polite and sparkly and excited to be in Pittsburgh.

Sidenote:  Do these little tykes all wear glitter eyeliner to school, too?  Or do they put in on the car on the way to rehearsals?  I’m never really sure if it’s 7am or 7pm when everyone shows up at the studio, so I’m just throwing that one out there.

And then it was time for the Pyramid of Shame.  And to introduce Fallon to the Team.

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Did you see Nia‘s little half-wave?  Amazing.  I couldn’t tell if Sasha couldn’t be bothered putting the effort into a full-on ‘Howdy’ since it was already pretty clear that Fallon would be gone by next week, or if she just didn’t dare fall out of military formation.  You know how the General can be during inspection.

But it’s also the International Year of the Nia, so she’s got a lot on her plate right now.

Regardless, it was fabulous.  Hi.  Yeah.  Whatev.

Kalani was MIA.  Which I didn’t understand, since she still shows up on some of the kid’s Instagrams.  Which totally just sounded like I creep young girl’s Instagram accounts.

Which I don’t do.  Because it’s called Research, thank you very much.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, Chloe and Nia.  Kendall had pulled a measly Ninth Place last week, so she’s lucky Abby didn’t add a 4th row to the Pyramid just for her.  Chloe had done the same turn for ten minutes in the Improv Dance-Off part of the competition, while Nia only did half a turn before she got cut, so I didn’t have high hopes for my girls this week.  There’s always next time, little buckeroos.

The middle row was tag teamed by Fallon and Mackenzie‘s pouty Kardashian face.  I forget why Fallon made it that high up in her first 4 minutes with the ALDC because Melissa started doing that hyper-fast stress blinking that she always does when she’s about to lose her nutty on someone and it really distracted me for a second.

Mackenzie was given props for having that crazy seizure on stage and giving Face, Face and More Face.  I totally called that one last week, by the way.

And then Maddie was on top.  She’ll probably be on top next week, too, if you have somewhere to be at 9pm.

Special shout out to Holly and her new sweater ensemble.  And her sassy pants.

Because she definitely had her sassy pants on this week.  Oh, snap.

Seriously.  When Abby first revealed Fallon taped above Nia on the Pyramid and Holly put her hands on her hips and got all OhHellNo, she kind of looked like Clair Huxtable pretending to be Wonder Woman standing on a rock overlooking Paradise Island wondering why all her kids are late for dinner again when she clearly stated 6pm.

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Did that even make any sense?

And to my other MomCrush Jill, who seems to have finally gotten her hair under control and when she dials down some of the fur accessories is looking pretty damn fly.  Did you see her in that red dress at the competition?  Dang, girl.  Werk those Spanx.  Hubba.

We.  Love.  Jill.  Dot-Com.

This week the gang was headed to another In10sity Dance Competition in Toledo, Ohio.

Yeah.  That Ohio.

Candy Apples turf.  And you know how Abby gets when Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein shows up on the playground.

Kendall and Fallon scored solos.  The group routine was called Red With Envy.  Cheryl is a hard 40+ years old.  And her boobs are real.

Because Christi asked.  So there you go.

While all the Moms were in the MomPerch looking at Cheryl’s chest, Chaos Cathy and her team were up in Ohio working out their own kinks.

Bad A** choreographer Blake McGrath was gone.  Off getting another skull tattoo or something.  And in his place was some hottie from Los Angeles named Erin, who you could tell was making the two male dancers act a little dorky.

Especially Zack Attack Torres, who had somehow inexplicably grown at least 2 feet taller since the last time we saw him and was a Real Boy now.  Holy Growth Spurt, Pinocchio.

But let’s be honest.  All that really mattered was Cathy’s smokey eye.

I know, right?  What was that all about?  It was a little less like a Jersey nail tech and whole lot more like some shaky priest had completely missed her forehead on Ash Wednesday.  I had to walk away for a minute just to wash my face.

The only thing that could really top that was a trip to an assisted living center.

It was time to go visit Abby’s Mom Maryen Lorraine Miller and put on a quick improv show for the residents of The Sterling House.  And for Abby to yell at some old people.

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The serious part:  We miss Maryen, who passed away in February.  She proved that she was sharp as a tack right to the end, sitting there all coiffed and hair bowed, and it was clear how much all the girls loved her as they stampeded in with glitter cards and warm fuzzy hugs.  Her contribution to the world of dance can’t be ignored and she will live on forever in the hearts of young dancers everywhere.

The not quite so serious part:  There was a dead dog on the bed.

Shut.  Up.  Broadway Baby was back.  Stuffed and just chilling out on the blanket like nothing had happened.  It was so wrong on so many levels that it almost seemed right.

It was also nice to see that no matter how old you get, you still don’t have to listen to your Mother as Abby tossed Mackenzie’s live dog (…butt first, of course…) right in Maryen’s face before scooping him up again and dumping the tiny pup right on top of Broadway Baby despite Maryen begging her not to tread on sacred territory.

Luckily the little dog caught the scent of cellophane wrapped Grandma Candy and scooted across the bed before he soiled the Broadway Baby shrine in any way.  Because I know what you expected him to do.  And it probably would have been hilarious.

The girls then did a quick Improv Dance-Off, complete with a grand finale Nia Frazier Death Drop.  Which seemed like an odd message to send to residents of an assisted living center, but I’m not here to judge.

As the competition drew closer, the ALDC rehearsals grew more stressful but remained fairly uneventful.  Fallon had trouble remembering which foot was the Right one and Kendall learned that if she didn’t place in the Top Five this week it wouldn’t be pretty.

And speaking of pretty, thanks to Christi we also learned that Jill likes to keep herself ‘fresh,’ which I believe is MomCode for Restylane fillers.

Remember that time when Jill wrapped her belly in saran wrap?  The man on QVC says that shrink wrapping all your squishy stuff will definitely extend its shelf life.

The More You Know, kids.  Just keeping it Real.  And keeping it Fresh.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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At the Collingwood Arts Center.  Which I think was supposed to be spelled ‘Collinwood.’ 

Like the mansion in Dark Shadows.  Where Barnabas Collins lived.  Who was a vampire.  Wait.  What?

Can someone explain what this place was all about?  Because I have no clue.  It was almost as if the In10sity guys forgot to put down a deposit and ended up having to run the show out of someone’s house.  There were secret hallways.  A million doors.  Everyone was bumping into each other trying to get to the bathroom.

Did you see the actual performances?  The stage looked like someone had just pushed the couches out of the way and made the kids all dance under emergency generator lighting.  And I’m not even exaggerating for once.

There was even a hand coming out of the wall trying to grab Brigette Triana‘s head.

On the bus ride over, Cheryl had casually mentioned that she didn’t actually bring anything for Fallon to wear during her solo.  Holly made some of her best HollyFaces yet while Melissa proved that she had clearly mastered the art of being snarky without even looking up from an iPhone.  Meow, girls.  Me.  Ow.

So that meant that Abby had to go to Macy’s and buy an armload of dresses in a last minute panic.  Good thing they have a One Day Sale every weekend.

And then it was really, finally, Showtime!

Chaos Cathy sent out a tiny shirtless boy for her solo contribution.  She basically broke up the Gavin/Mackenzie Morales salsa set and made the brother do all the heavy lifting this week.  He could use a few bicep curls, but otherwise he did great.

Kendall rocked her solo, while newbie Fallon didn’t even know where she was.  That kid was lucky she even made it onto the stage before forgetting her entire routine.

Abby tried to coerce the two dudes in charge of the event to disqualify Fallon on the spot because she was such a mess, but they weren’t buying it.  Some nonsense about rules or something.

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Nice hat, by the way.

A couple of times during the event, Jill and Cathy went a few rounds, but it was pretty tame compared to previous water tossing, pocketbook swinging confrontations.  Cathy seems to have lost her will to live lately.  Especially when you’re trapped inside a venue where municipal fire codes only allow seven people in a room at one time.

And then she panicked.  Cathy cut the CADC group number right as the kids had one foot on the stage.  Because if you know you can’t win at something, it’s always better to just take all your toys and go home instead of striving to be the best you can be under less than perfect conditions.  Or at least I think that was the teaching moment.

Somehow, Fallon pulled a Third Place by simply wandering around stage for two minutes.

Sign me up for that gig.  I love trophies.

Kendall lost out to Gavin by 1/10th of a point as they pulled in Second and First Place respectively.  But still a major victory for girls who cry too easily and skinny boys everywhere.

The ALDC group routine brought in another First Place.  Boom.

Backstage, everyone was screaming and hugging and high-fiving each other like it was the Superbowl.  Except for Holly, who got left hanging with both hands up in the air and nobody to palm slap.  Anyone else notice that one?

Girlfriend.  Love you.  Mean it.  But you’re like 8 feet tall in heels.  What kid is gonna hit that target?  They’re dancers, not Globetrotters.  I did get up off the couch and give you ten so you didn’t feel left out, if that makes you feel any better.

Next time…low five on da side, yo.

And then Abby sent Fallon home without even a consolation prize.  Thanks for playing.

Cathy whined a little more and then grabbed the crosstown to get the heck outta there before Brigette freaked out.  Yet another loss for the Candy Apples.

Time for Lady Killer Lucas to bring his heart breaking skills to Pittsburgh, I think.  And bring Pinocchio with you.  He can stick his head out the sun roof.

And then it was over.  Ten if you’re counting.

Next week?  Drag Queens.

Now we’re talking.

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Dance Moms: Witch, Pleez. There’s A Big Dangerous House Droppin’, Booty Poppin’ Storm Moving In On Virginia.

Wednesday, January 22nd, 2014

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I don’t care if you all come in like a damn Wrecking Ball or a Butterball. Just drop it hard on her head.

 

 

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Phhffffft. Bitch.

 

 

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Whoa. This is not my fault. Nobody told me you lose points for dressing up like an Amish furniture maker.

 

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It is what it is, y’all. Haters gonna hate cuz this Mama still knows how to rock her Bump-It. Werk.

 

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Check it before you wreck it, Gurlz. Baby don’t need no solo when she’s looking this Fierce, mmkay?

 

 

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Still a Bitch.

 

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I could totally pull off one of those Kardashian selfies. Not bad for 2 kids.

 

 

 

Pop Quiz.

Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

Or just the owner of a dance studio?  Because it’s a fine line nowadays.

And Dance Moms went there this week, stirring up the competitive Dark Side.

Good vs. Evil.  Mom vs. Mom.  Kendall vs. Chloe.  And of course…ALDC vs. CADC.

After an almost perfect showing in Orlando, it was time to ramp up for the next competition as the gang all hustled in for the latest Pyramid of Shame.

Well, except for Payton that is, who did more of a klunk klunk foot drag kind of thing than an actual hustle since she was now on wobbly crutches after going down hard right before last week’s group routine.

You remember that, right?  When Payton tripped on something backstage and all those big, beefy EMTs came rushing into the makeup room to save the day?  And Christi laid down on the floor pretending that she needed CPR while Abby ran in circles like a St. Bernard rescue dog slobbering tongue goo all over the walls?

Yeah.  You remember.  It was Desperate Housewives: Pittsburgh Edition.

And now Payton was uncomfortably held up by crutches at the bottom of the Pyramid, and struggling to explain what really happened that fateful afternoon.

When she first hit the floor last week, word on the street was that she had flipped over a chair and gone down, but by the time the Chippendales ambulance arrived the story had already changed to something about tripping over Kendall.  And now, when confronted by Abby and several unnamed government sources, it turns out that Payton was allegedly mocking some random ballet dancer on stage at the time and may have actually wiped out simply due to the fact that she was born with two left feet.

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Busted.

Paytongate.  We may never know the real answer.

Especially since Mom Leslie immediately blew another Walmart Nutty while claiming that her kid had tripped over a backstage prop (…Version…what are we up to now…#4?…) before Mom and Daughter were both kicked off the team and right out of the building.

Thanks for playing.  Game Over.

If you keep track of this kind of thing, Payton literally spent less time on camera this week than she did maneuvering herself in and out around the parking lot potholes.  And that’s gotta suck on crutches.

And then there were seven.

The rest of the bottom tier consisted of Kendall, Nia and Brooke.  Kendall was still paying the price for being late to the Orlando competition, thanks in part to Mom Jill taking too long to pack all her fur coats after attending another daughter’s event.  Brooke had forgotten some choreo (…that’s what the Cool Kids call ‘choreography’ nowadays…) and Nia had blended in…which I would have assumed isn’t really a bad thing in a group number.  But I’m no dance teacher, so there’s that.

Not gonna lie.  I really want Nia to get her Moment To Shine.  I do.  But I also really enjoy her ‘OhHellNoBitchPleezYouDidNotJustGoThere’ Face every time Abby sticks it to her in front of the other girls.  You do not wanna make Nia snap her fingers in a Z Formation.

Trust me.  You just don’t.

The middle row of The Pyramid was home to Chloe, Paige and Mackenzie.  There was still some unsolved drama over how Chloe and Kendall had managed to swap spots in the program after it had gone to print that would drag through the entire episode.  I forget why Paige was there in the middle.  I almost forgot Paige was there all together if we’re being honest.  She hasn’t had much face time lately.

It should also be noted that Mackenzie had her Little Girl hair bow back on in her headshot but was still giving us Fish Lip Kissy Face Realness.  How old is this kid?  Really?

Maddie was at the top again.

I just cut & paste that sentence every week in case you were wondering.

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This week the gang was headed to Roanoke, VA for the Dance Troupe International competition (…DTI for those in the know…) where they would once again be going head to head with Ohio’s Evil Dance Lair.

Yup.  Candy Apples was gonna be back in the hizzle again.

To celebrate the return of Abby’s Evil Nemesis, the ALDC group routine was aptly but not so cleverly entitled “The Witches of East Canton” (…I see what you did there, Ms. Miller…) with Maddie playing a Good Witch who faces off against all the other Bad Witches in town.  This way, Abby could stick it to not only Cathy Nesbitt-Stein but also everyone sitting upstairs in the ALDC MomPerch all at the same time.

Multi-tasking?  Always Bonus Points.

Kendall and Chloe were assigned opposing solos again in yet another attempt at determining who would be Abby’s Number Two Girl in the highly unlikely event that Maddie is abducted by aliens and can no longer fulfill her duties as Top Dawg.

And then it was off to rehearsals, and to Ohio for an injection or two of testosterone.

That’s right.  The Candy Apples Boy Band had reunited and Cathy was positively giddy.

Zack Attack, Lady Killer Lucas and The Other Nick were all back together again with bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath, so you knew there would be one leg up in the air high kicks and screaming tweenybop girls for days.

And just to make certain the group routine would be amaze balls, Cathy had imported two new ringers for this week’s competition.

The Morales Kids!!

Who I guess are some brother/sister big dealio in the youtube world, but honestly I’m so far behind in my puppies riding skateboards and kittens playing piano videos that I haven’t even had a moment to catch my breath, much less begin Googling ‘Dance Phenoms.’

I’m sure their videos are da bomb.

Accompanied by their Mom (…who chews an awful lot of gum I gotta say…) Gavin and McKenzie Morales busted into the Jerky Store like the internet rockstars they are.

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Everyone went temporarily insane and then Blake got the party started, even though I’m pretty sure his hip hop pants were on backwards.

Gavin, who’s a tiny little squirt of a dancing machine and his sister McKenzie, not to be confused with the original recipe Mackenzie or Makenzie from Toddlers & Tiaras (…is it any wonder that my spellcheck never works anymore?…) reminded me of the two little salsa kids that Macy’s always rolls out during the Dancing With The Stars finale.  They were cuties and really seemed to know their shizz.

I’m also pretty sure the boy had frosted tips like ‘N Sync used to rock back in the day.

Bye Bye Bye.

Back in Pittsburgh, Chloe was working on her Miley Cyrus solo while Kendall struggled with a high energy M.I.A. bouncy ball dance.  But the real struggle was up in the MomPerch as Holly sat on Christi to prevent her from punching Jill in the throat again.

Seriously.  This drama over the program order is getting old.  How much longer, ladies?

I’m also beginning to wonder if Dr. Beyoncé actually uses any hot rollers or if just being around all these crazy moms 24/7 is making her hair look like that.  I like it.  Don’t get me wrong.  But sometimes I bet my girl just wants to let them chew each others’ faces off while she takes her new hair out the back door for an Herbal Essence Moment of Clarity.

Which you can buy here, if you so desire.  The book.  Not the shampoo.  The shampoo’s on sale at CVS if you use a coupon, though.

The remainder of the rehearsals leading up to the DTI competition were chock full of  the usual drama.  Jill wanted a level playing field between Kendall and Chloe.  Christi wanted to poke Jill in the eye socket and then sneak another peak at Chloe’s special top secret costume.  Kelly wanted Abby to stop picking on her kids for one (bleeping) day.  And Melissa just wanted better cell reception upstairs because it was taking waaay too long for her tweets to post.

At some point during all the hysteria, Kendall almost flat lined when she couldn’t catch her breath and Jill had to rush from the MomPerch to make sure her kid didn’t go into a full blown panic attack.  I really thought Christi was going to film it with her iPhone and put it up on Instagram since she was already downstairs taping Chloe’s rehearsal.  You know she totally thought about it for a second until Jill gave her Side Eye.

Finally, it was Showtime!

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And once again, the crowd went completely bazoinkers when the ALDC bus pulled up to the bumper.  Ba.  Zoinkers.

Backstage, Chloe unveiled her expensive, sparkly solo ensemble right before poor little Kendall shlepped out from behind the curtain in some last minute rags that Abby clearly pulled from an H&M clearance rack while the bus was gassing up across the street.

Srsly.  ‘SWAG?’  On a shirt?  D’Hell wuzzat?  No one even says that any more except for Justin Bieber and he’s a complete Tool.

Jill was not liking it.  At all.  But the show must go on even if somebody’s playing favorites in the costume closet.

Kendall’s SwagSolo was a little SoSlow.  Not swaggy enuff, according to Cathy, who kept talking the entire time  behind Jill’s seat until Mama Lion turned around and took a swipe at her suburban Ohio prey.

No, you shut up.

Chloe’s solo went well, but I had trouble hearing the music over the sound of Jill’s teeth grinding together.  Equal playing field my butt.  And cold shoulder cut outs.

I should also probably note that Jill’s hair was exceptionally big this week.  I’m thinking the new and improved Holly Frazier has forced Jill to step up her game.  Well played this week, Mrs. Vertes.  Well played.

But the group routines were when the game really started getting good.

The Candy Apples Wild Party dance crew hit the stage with one shiny suit leg up in the air as all the Boyz took turns tossing McKenzie 2014 around the stage.

Side note:  How tall is this Nick kid?  Seriously.  What he lacks in the Original Nick’s Dreamyosity he certainly makes up for in claymation flexibility.

And don’t even take this as a slam, because I looooved this movie.  But do you remember The Nightmare Before Christmas?  The Tim Burton one?  You tell me that Nick Daniels doesn’t look exactly like Jack Skellington with a Backstreet Boy Head.  All long arms and crazy legs going uncontrollably all over the place.

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How does he even do that?  That has GOT to hurt.

When Nick hit the stage he looked exactly like Jack Skellington when he fell down that tree hole into the Christmas Town snow bank.  And I was totes jealz.

What’s this?  What’s this?

I bet Gavin’s Mom would have swallowed her gum if she hadn’t had such a huge wad of Dubble Bubble in her mouth.

After the Candy Apples did their thang, the ALDC hit the stage all slicked back and contoured and witched-up.  Tonight when I hit the gym I’m totally cutting up my biceps with eye shadow like Nia did.  Pop them guns, Gurrrl.

And then there was nothing left to do but award some trophies.  Especially the one for Most Fierce Emcee Walk To The Stage Ever award.  Did you see that dude werk it from the back to the front like it was New York Fashion Week?  Wait.  What?

Kendall came in Second Place.  Which was not First Place.  So here we go again.  Sorry, Chloe took that spot.

Despite Blake’s lucky hat, the Candy Apples came in Second Place in the group category, which opened up a whole ‘nother can of fresh apple sauce backstage as Lucas’ Mom Brigette got all worked up about the Politics of Dancing, which coincidentally enough is also a song that she recently Shazamed on her iPhone.

Mama T. does love her Shazam app.  And we love her for it.

If you do the math, that meant that the ALDC pulled in First Place for their oh so subtle Good Witch/Bad Witch slam against the state of Ohio.  So there, Boyz.

Girl Power to the bazillionth.

But that doesn’t mean anyone (…except Maddie…and Mackenzie, of course, who pretty much comes as a free gift with purchase…) is safe from elimination.

Because the Open Auditions are back next week.

Game On, Witches.

Pow!  Pow!

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Dance Moms: Let’s Just Send In The Clones. When It Comes To The Candy Apples, Two Can Play This Game.

Wednesday, January 8th, 2014

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Then I told Leslie to save those tears for her pillow and to return that Walmart dress. Girl, please.

 

 

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Shake the nerves or I’m taking your pink iPhone and you’ll be waiting overnight in a tent at the Apple Store for a new one.

 

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Yo! Frazier! Over here! Lovin’ the new weave! Woot Woot! You werk it, Gurrrl!

 

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MmmMmm. Dang, that McGrath boy is a fine piece o’ sweet candy. Mama Kaya’s kinda liking all that.

 

 

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Honk.

 

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Ok, Baby. Tell me if they’re still looking. I know those bitches be hatin’ on my new Dr. Beyoncé look.

 

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Yeah. I think I’m all set with hearing about this damn makeover. We get it. She bought hot rollers. Call CNN.

 

 

 

Game On.

Hope you packed your bags and your milking stools, kids.

Dance Moms is heading to Ohio this week…and you know what that means.

After a short summer break to soak their feet and tighten some orthodontics, the ALDC girls are finally back in business for another competition season and ready to do whatever it takes to retain their National Champion status.  Especially when they cross state lines into Candy Apples territory.

The tiny dancers may have lost some of their baby teeth during their time off, but they didn’t lose their hunger to be Number One.  Even that awkward soap opera growth spurt that a few of them encountered between seasons (…I really thought that at least one of the girls was going to be played by a new, older actress like they do on General Hospital when the producers warp speed a kid through 12 birthdays during a commercial break…) wasn’t going to stop them from their goal of Dance Supremacy.

Unfortunately, their first showing of the new season hadn’t really been anything to write home about.  Last week’s Third Place trophy wasn’t sitting well with Abby Lee Miller as they all rolled into the studio for the second Pyramid of Shame.

Clearly, the kids were a little nervous.

And clearly, Abby was now making up for years and years of pre-Dance Moms anonymity by never leaving the house without a full coat of celebrity makeup and hairspray.

(Is it just me?  Remember Season One? Who was that woman with the flat hair and the plastic headband?  Save those tears…and that foundation…for your pillow, honey.)

This week everyone was headed back to Ohio for another face to face meeting with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her revolving door dance team.

As Abby once again messed with the girls heads by pointing out that any of the upcoming Open Auditions could potentially deliver replacements for the current team before their little bodies were even cold, we were treated to a few more Best Of Cathy flashbacks to bring us all up to speed.

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You know the ones.

The infamous Water Bottle/Purse Swing to the Head.  The unruly Mob in the Hall when Kaya From The Block pushed Jill From The ‘Burb‘s nose so hard that Botox almost squirted out both ears.

Seriously.  How much do you love Jill when she goes all Grocery Store Gangsta?  Love.

But first…The Pyramid.  Always The Pyramid.

Bottom row this time around was filled with Payton, Brooke, Nia and Mackenzie.

Brooke had botched a few moves in the group routine last time, which Abby somehow managed to blame on the country music industry.  Nia had done a really good dance, but hadn’t even placed during the awards ceremony.  That made me sad and also made me want to go on a rant about how lame the Sheer Talent backdrop was last week.

But I won’t, because I’m sure that someone spent a lot of time and effort stretching a queen-sized bed sheet out on four clothespins and then lining up a film projector logo.

Diss my Nia?  I don’t think so.

Payton had completely lost her noodle over a tight hair bow.  And despite Mackenzie’s new “My Milkshake Brings All The Boys To The Teeter Totter” glamour shot, she proved that she was still a little girl on the inside by screwing around in the makeup room all day.

I also think that was her only scene this week, because I don’t even remember her being in the rest of the show.  She must have gone home to do another youtube makeup video.

The mezzanine level was home to Paige, Kendall and Chloe, which was basically done in order to free up the top spot for Maddie.  Again.

Maddie is Numero Uno.  We get that part by now.  But who is Numero Dos?

Good question.  And one that could only be answered by giving both Chloe and Kendall ‘Battle of  the Pop Stars’ solos in Ohio.

Chloe would be Katy Perry.  Kendall would be Lady Gaga.  Really.

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As we digested that one, the hilarity shifted to Ohio and the Evil Dance Lair, where we found the Candy Apple brigade all busting out the same sit ups they make felons do in prison exercise yards.  Cathy’s prisoners just weren’t visibly shackled, from what I could tell.  At least I don’t think they were.

Bad a** choreographer Blake McGrath was back again, still getting it done with his bad a** neck tattoo and bad a** East Village t-shirt.  You can tell all the Moms get giggly around him when he dirty dances in his Diesel skinny jeans.

Except for maybe Kaya that is, who instead got all Good In Da ‘Hood on Blake’s bad a** as soon as he gave the week’s solo to Lady Killer Lucas Triana instead of her daughter Nicaya.  OhHellNo.

In Kaya’s defense, Cathy did dangle the dance in front of them both for a few seconds before yanking it back like a Twinkie on a string.  That was kinda mean.  And in hindsight, that’s probably what made Kaya go off like one of those molotov cocktails you always see people throw through a Best Buy window during a city blackout when she accused Lucas’ Mom Brigette of partying the lonely nights away with Blake.

Whaaa-?  Whoa.  Hello.  Gurrrl, I need the deets on that one.

Cuz I love Brigette and her smiley face and her smiley kids.  And she’s always putting all these fluffy motivational blurbs on Twitter.  But did you see that Side Eye she gave Kaya?

Oh, snap.

I don’t care how many times Brigette quotes Maya Angelou.  I bet Mama Triana could let 100% of the air out of both your front tires before the light even turns green and still make it to her first real estate showing on time.  She’s from Miami, you know.

Back at the ALDC, rehearsals were in full swing as the Moms went a few rounds up in the MomPerch.

Turns out that Kendall had scored a 30 minute private with choreographer Gianna over the weekend and now…suddenly…the solo that Kendall was performing in Ohio was the same one that she had practiced on Sunday.

If we’re being completely honest, I don’t accomplish much of anything in 30 minutes, so I’m not really sure why Christi made such a big deal about the private attention.  But I guess it’s a Dance Mom thing.  Privates must give you some kind of magical leg up on the competition from what I can tell.

It also meant that Christi and Jill sparred for more than 30 minutes about 30 minutes of their lives they’ll never get back before Jill got up to go buy another 30.

For a total of 90.

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So there.

And why is the parking lot always wet?  Always.  Anyone?

Zipping back up to Ohio one more time before the competition, we got a glimpse of the group routine that Blake had (…allegedly, according to Kaya…) over choreographed.  Too much stuff.  Too elaborate.  And too much for Kaya, who stormed out of the room when Blake asked if she would like it dumbed down to her level.

OhNoHeDin’t.  That’s twice if you’re counting.

Hopefully she was going back to that vandalized Best Buy to pick up some better microphones for the Candy Apples studio, because they all sound like they’re being recorded on a Kindle when compared to the ALDC sound checks.  Really.  Go back and listen again.  Echo, much?

And why is that?  Anyone?  So many unanswered questions this week.

Not to be outdone, Abby was putting her girls through their group routine as well.  Entitled “Just Another Number,” it was a sci-fi looking kind of thing about cloning sheep.  Or something.

Holly went back to her academic roots and tried to explain to Leslie what cloning was all about, but Leslie was starting a slow boil over her kid’s height again and Holly’s hair was still so fresh and tight that I got really distracted.  So all I remember is something about sheep and robots and those barcodes that never scan correctly on your cell phone app.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Candy Apples Crew pulled up to the bumper in one of those shiny black Evil Villain town car/bus contraptions that they always use on Real Housewives of Atlanta.

I immediately wondered if there was a stripper pole inside, cuz that’s kind of a Bravo thing.

Luckily I was pretty easily distracted by Cathy’s crazy animal print dress and the sight of sniffling Vivi-Anne stumbling off the bus behind her Mom carrying a gigantic shopping bag full of travel snacks.

Seriously.  How does this kid not have her own spin-off show yet?  I’m not talking anything expensive.  Just stick her in front of a green screen and let her eat ice cream all day.

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By the time the Candy Apples hit the pavement, the crowd was already bazoinkers.  Needless to say, they completely lost their shizz when the shiny white Good Guy ALDC bus reared ended the black bus from Ohio.  I swear it was louder than when the Beatles landed at the airport.

Inside, it was the usual stress filled pre-game show.

Christi threatened Chloe to either shake off her nerves or Mama would take her iPhone away, which I thought was a little extreme.  Seeing’s how it might actually be easier to pry raw meat out of a pit bull’s mouth than to get a cell phone away from a tweenager, I kind of envisioned Christi sitting in the audience flipping through the program with a broken arm for the rest of the season.

Abby then threatened Kendall to either hold in those tears or she would replace her with Maddie doing improv.  I got kind of excited to hear Maddie’s comedy shtick until I realized I was thinking about the wrong kind of improv.  I bet Maddie would have been funny, though.  They should totally add it to next week’s group number.

And put her in Groucho glasses, because those always make me laugh.

Holly kind of sat this one out, choosing instead to continue giving us another week of Michelle Obama Sleeveless Realness and tossing her hair around like the Herbal Essence Shampoo lady.  Protect that investment, sistah.

I swear, if she doesn’t bring one of those Mariah Carey floor fans into the MomPerch next week to keep that new ‘do blowing around for the full hour I’ll buy you lunch.

Lucas was first up with his solo.  One leg straight up in the air and some fake Enrique Iglesias Spanish soundtrack about making girls swoon and throw Hello Kitty underoos up on stage.  Check out his HowYouDoin’ eyebrow lift.  Dude is a Playground Playa.

And my hero.

Next up was Kendall’s solo, event though the program said she was going last.  There was some sketchiness in the audience as Jill tried to figure out what was going on.  Christi somehow knew that Chloe and Kendall’s spots were reversed but wasn’t really clear on where she scored that informational update.

I’ll give it to my girl Jill.  She still can’t figure out what to do with her bangs, but she knows that you don’t change the order of the horses in a race at the last minute unless someone loses a shoe or breaks a leg.  Something’s up.

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Caught a bit off guard, Kendall’s first spin was a little wonky and she fell out of the move a bit, which got the whole row of Moms talking.  Was the floor wet?  Was it slippery?  Was it sticky?  Shut Up, Leslie.

That last one kind of came out nowhere and it was all downhill from there.

Chloe did her thing.  And then Leslie had a 15 Kleenex meltdown out back.  Mad, ugly crying.  Even Melissa couldn’t calm her down.

And then both groups performed.

The solos didn’t score that well.  Chloe did better than Kendall, which kind of made her the Numero Dos dancer.  But only by default.

The ALDC group took First Place.  The Candy Apples group not so much.  Could Kaya have been right all along?

But all the really good stuff was out back.

Leslie blew a nutty at Abby for telling her to shut up in front of the entire auditorium.  One of those major league nutties that you only see when someone cuts in front of you at Costco on a rainy Sunday afternoon. Git out m’way, beeotch.

Boom.

You Shut Up No You Shut Up No You Shut Up.

They kept repeating that over and over as the credits rolled.

Nothing like another relaxing trip to Ohio, I always say.

Vivi-Anne.  Gimme some of them Cheetos.  I’m stressing out.

And get me outta here.  Now.

Who’s excited to go back to Pittsburgh?

Jill?

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