Posts Tagged ‘Glitzy the Piggy’

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Y’all Better Redneckognize That It Was Fun While It Lasted. Say Buh Bye To Boo.

Monday, October 27th, 2014

here-comes-honey-boo-boo-2

here-comes-honey-boo-boo-put-on-your-blue-sue-L-GdwZ6w

It’s true.

Honey Boo Boo Child has left the building.

Reality just got Real in McIntyre

And not even Alana‘s Chicken Nugget Power could save them this time.honey-boo-boo-chicken-nugget-1030

TLC shut down our little cheeseball.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has come…and gone.

No more mayo baths.  No more live chickens wandering the house.  And don’t even think about greasing up the kitchen floor like a Crisco flavored Slip n’ Slide, cuz that ain’t gonna happen again.

I think I’ve even lost my appetite for sketti.

The party’s over and all we have left is that big mystery stain on the living room carpet.

And memories.  Lots of them.  All burned into our brains like hot roadkill BBQ.

738

honey-boo-boo-gif5

awesome

honeyboobooagame

herp-derp

tumblr_m8hy2m6xMB1ql5yr7o1_400Really, Mama June?

Apparently somebody on the sex offender registry thought it was, because in the end TLC agreed with Alana and pulled the plug when all that post-Sugar Bear shizz hit the fan.

giphy

And now it’s RedneckGame Over.

Sadly, the good ones are always gone too soon.

But before I get too emotional…sing for us, Brad Paisley.

[field name=iframe]

RIP, Honey Boo Boo Child.

Peace Out.

here-comes-honey-boo-boo-youd-better-rednecko-L-bqPQ6u

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: It’s The Countdown To Commitment. Big Girls Need Love…And Some Veggies…Too.

Sunday, August 18th, 2013

m

 

 

Dat’s rite, haters. Big Girls wear lace-ups, sleep face up & take all your space up. Word to yo Mama.

 

 

h3

 

 

 

Eatin’ salads and veggies? Mr. Boo Boo Belly sez Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Dat. OhHellNo.

 

 

b7

 

 

 

Bitches can’t be this yummy without the Gummy. Honk if you love Big Girls, ‘kay?

 

 

h9

 

 

 

Whoa. Somebody better get on the horn and dial up the Commissioner, because something ain’t right down in that Batcave.

 

b3

 

 

 

 

Cabbage, ya nasty.

 

 

h5

 

 

 

 

Fried Food Force Field has been activated. Now none of that healthy stuff can ever harm us.

 

b

 

 

 

Cuz I got so sick of everybody asking me about that damn baby’s thumbs that I just carry this stick around. That’s why.

 

 

 

Yowza.

Before we get started, let’s pause once again and give thanks that this was not another Watch ‘N Sniff episode.  Trust me on this one.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was back this week with even more redneckulous sensory overload, but luckily this time around we didn’t have to scratch along with People Magazine.

As a matter of fact, some of it we didn’t even get to see first hand and yet I still feel a little traumatized just from hearing about it.

Now you know I love me some Boo.  And all the Boos down in BooVille.  And I need to hang with all of them asap once I learn how to Doorknob on command.

(Safety.)

Love ’em.  I just don’t need to smell ’em every week, thank you very much.  I just don’t.

It was getting down to the wire for Mama June and Sugar Bear‘s non-wedding Commitment Ceremony, and the planning process was starting to stress out everyone involved.  Especially when it came to the guest list.

Always the extreme Coupon Queen, Mama was recycling old thank you notes and baby announcements into invitations for the upcoming ceremony.  It wasn’t really clear if that meant she was mailing unused Hallmarks from last Christmas or crossing out “thanks for the pawn shop blender” and regifting someone else’s actual handwritten note after scribbling over any personal stuff.  But either way it was going to be a long process.

Being legally blind certainly wasn’t speeding up the assembly line, either.  Nor were all of Mama’s wet Monster Sneeze seizures as she honked, wheezed and moistened every invite with enough microscopic tongue germs to get her put on that terrorist watch list for people who keep sending ricin envelopes to the White House.

h1

Cover your mouth, please.  I had to wipe down my screen twice.

Another big concern for the ceremony was facility-related.  As in…the facilities.

As in…where are 500+ people supposed to go when all those spicy wings and BBQ ribs finally kick in?  Casa Boo may pride itself on panoramic views of two converging train tracks and a room stocked with 475 rolls of Brawny paper towels, but it only comes with one bathroom.  Uno cuarto de baño.

And that probably ain’t good planning when you have half the tummy gurgling population of McIntyre, GA impatiently waiting in line to poo the loo redneck style.  So Mama needed to track down some porta-potties.  Stat.

Luckily, June knows her port-potties as she grilled Mr. Porta-Potty on the other end of the phone like they were at some kind of outdoor toilet trade show or something.

How tall are they?  How wide are they?  How many can you deliver?  Are they righties or lefties?  Has anyone ever drowned in one?  Do you do custom colors?

She even asked if there was a weight limit to the hole since the majority of her guests were going to arrive bearing both gifts and girth.

Yeah.  Just let that pants-around-your-ankle visual sink into your brain for a moment and then try to push one over the next time you’re at the County Fair.

Mama explained to those of us who are porta-potty challenged that the structure itself is basically just a 5 gallon bucket with a lid.  Good to know the next time I’m clutching an empty jumbo popcorn at the Multiplex and don’t want to miss any of the action.

Gross.  But thankfully, no Watch ‘N Sniff.

2

Moving on to what I assumed would be lighter fare, Mama and the girls…and that little nugget of a baby…hit up the local bridal shop down at the Ingleside strip mall.  Even though it was not officially a wedding, the girls wanted June to have her once in a lifetime Say Yes To The Dress moment and try on a few gowns.  Just for laughs.

And scores.

Armed with what looked like a cross between Dancing With The Stars paddles and numerically ascending fly swatters, the four girls were set to judge each gown as Mama posed and scratched and broke into hives on the viewing platform.  Just like on the TLC show, but without the sassy ghetto bridesmaids going MmmHmmm and OhHellNo.

Little baby Kaitlyn did grab ahold of Chubb‘s hair so hard that I thought fo’ sho’ she was gonna yank out that bitch’s weave, so it was momentarily ghetto.  But not the real thing, unfortunately.

That extra thumb certainly gives you traction, though.  Damn, Girl.

Some other random woman was also there for all the hilarity, but I have no clue who she was or how she got to tag along, so I’m going to assume she won some contest and got to spend the whole day with the Boos just for “liking” them on Facebook or something.

I was totz jealz.

It should also be noted that Mama could save a lot of money on babysitting if she just sat Alana down in front of a mirror before she left for Bingo.  Seriously.  You put Honey Boo Boo Child in front of a mirror and you could leave the country for a week’s vacation and the girl would never know.  Werk that reflection, Girl.

The first dress scored a 2 on the paddle vote, mostly due to a lace-up back that made June look like a trussed up holiday ham served with a side of no underwear.

Yeah.  No undies.  None.  Which she inadvertently flashed to the viewing table as she lumbered off the platform.  After regaining her sight, Pumpkin pointed out to all of America that she had just seen her mother’s BatCave.

hh

Hey.  If you can sub-title this shiz, you can certainly scroll some kind of warning across the bottom of the screen before exposing all of Gotham City’s secrets.  There’s a reason they never wanted The Joker to see it.  He’s already gone insane once.

Thanks to TLC, I can no longer stick my head inside a jumbo popcorn pail or watch Adam West slide down a pole and disappear into the darkness without trippin’.

That’s two things you’ve already ruined this week.

The second gown was supposed to make Mama look like Kate Middleton and scored a low ball 3, only because the numbers didn’t go any higher.  Not good.

Finally, the last gown came in with a top score, but it was still too fluffy and too prissy and too virginally white.  So no dress was chosen after all that, and the only things that really came out of the whole afternoon together was a lifetime of memories and at least one week before Kaitlyn and I would be able to blink again.

Back home,  it was becoming clear that nobody was going to fit into any dress if they all continued their current dietary habits.

As the girls traded greasy hot fries, chips and gummy worms back and forth with the kind of speed and expertise that up until now had only been seen on CNN’s early morning stock exchange reports, Mama realized that it might be time to sneak some vegetables into their eating routine.

She even went so far as to actually buy some vegetables.  And cut them up for soup.

I know, right?  Craziness.

And again, thank you for no Watch ‘N Sniff as Mama whipped up a crock of cabbage soup.  The girls were horrified that anything healthy had been allowed to cross the threshold of Casa Boo and refused to participate in something that might actually be good for them.

b4

Especially if it smelled like butt.

Butt inside of wet gym shorts, that is.  That butt.

Needless to say, the laboratory experiment went completely awry and had to be cut short when Pumpkin spit the soup back out and Mama moved faster than I’d ever seen her move towards the indoor potty to recycle some cabbage.

We’re going to have to rethink this whole vegetable thing.

After dance class, of course.

That’s right.  Dance class.

A class that teaches you how to dance.

Mama and Shugie were going to learn how to dance.  Or at least Sugar Bear was going to learn, because June claimed to already know how to bust a move or two.

Newsflash:  Big girls got rhythm.  Just ask any gay guy.

Before hitting up the studio, Mama even demonstrated those mad dancing skills in the living room.  Or at least I think that’s what all that was about as she and Shugie spanked and motorboated in a circle while Alana threw up gangsta deuce fingers.

Dolla Still Make Me Holla At You.

At the studio it was clear that June’s trust issues were second only to Sugar Bear’s awesomely awful T-Rex shuffle.  Evidently, they don’t have a lot of the old Chalk Miner socials down at the Elks Lodge anymore.

h

If you’ve ever watched Young Frankenstein, let me just say “Putting on the Ritz.”

If you’ve never watched it, you need to.

Or at least Google it.

And then imagine the monster with a top hat, bum pancreas and juicy dip stuck in his teeth.  That’s our Shugie.

But don’t worry, dude.  People will remember your good heart, not the fact that you dance like you’re waiting for novocaine to wear off.

As the Commitment Ceremony crept closer, Sugar Bear still wasn’t feeling the rhythm or any sense of urgency.  None.

And it was starting to drive Mama completely NutWad.

The back yard was a mess.  The front yard was a mess and needed to be picked up and mowed before it got completely recovered in porta-potties.

Plus there was trash everywhere.  And broken down redneck stuff all over the place.

The Christmas icicle lights could probably stay on the gutters, but all the other crap had to go.  Now.

Or maybe later, after a quick nap.

Dang.  Who knew dancing was such hard work?

And the countdown continues…

b2

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Will The Runaway Bride Please Report To The Party Before Alana Eats All The Pizza?

Sunday, August 11th, 2013

hh1

 

 

Lawd. Dippin’ and Doorknobbin’ can really take it out of you. I’m almost too pooped to toot… Almost. Pthhhpptt.

 

 

h8

 

 

 

I should probably carbo load before the Big Day. And pepperoni loading couldn’t hurt, either.

 

h7

 

 

 

What a rip. I only agreed to this cuz I thought the padded bra cutlets were gonna be made of real chicken meat.

 

 

h2

 

 

 

I would totally be a Runaway Bride if it didn’t have the word ‘Running’ in it. Dang.

 

 

h

 

 

 

 

Oh, yeah. Smoochie still got it goin’ on.

 

 

h5

 

 

 

 

The Kuntry Stoe Kardashians call it a Redneck Facial. Don’t be hatin’…

 

 

h4

 

 

 

Basically, I’m just trying to fit in with all the hungry white women and not lose a finger at the buffet table. Oh Mi Dios.

 

 

 

 

Just say Yes to the dress.

And No to that third helping of Buffalo Wings, if you know what I mean.

The countdown to the highly anticipated Royal Redneck Almost-Wedding has begun, and this week on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo everyone was either sweating it out or shoveling it down in preparation for the Big Day.

With Sugar Bear still recuperating from his pancreatitis scare, Mama June had spent the last few weeks shuttling back and forth between Casa Boo and the hospital, which was causing her to fall behind in both household chores and Commitment Ceremony planning.  Which in layman’s terms meant that she barely had enough time to pick out food from a menu, much less up off the living floor.

And that needed to change asap.

Luckily, Jessica had stepped up to the (…paper…) plate and offered to help keep the household running like a well oiled linoleum Slip ‘N Slide.

Taking on the role of Mini-Mama, Chubbs made certain the the house stayed in as close to one piece as possible, even if that meant hosing off Alana‘s shampoo-covered head in the same kitchen sink where they peeled potatoes and rinsed out Nugget the Chicken‘s sketti pot after her nap.

(Seriously.  A damn chicken.  In the house.  On the oven.  In a pot.  I just can’t.)

And we all know that when you gotta get stuff done quickly and get back to the couch for more cheesy snacks, it’s all about the multi-tasking.  So if someone lays an egg on the counter in the middle of Shampoo Night, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.  Just keep on keepin’ on, Girlfriend.

p

Heck…some of them fancy pants strip mall salons across town probably charge extra for that treatment and your house pet just pooped it out for free on the same cutting board you use for sausage links.

From what I recall the few times I’ve glanced at Toddlers & Tiaras, I believe you score extra points from the pageant judge when your hair is super big and shiny, anyway.  So no matter what chaos takes place in that kitchen,  I’d say it’s a win-win all around.

After rinsing all the blue ‘poo bubbles and chicken fuzz from her hair, Alana got right to mopping down the kitchen with one of those twisty fabric strip mops that the crazy State Fair guy with the headset mic is always selling in the ShamWow! booth.

But wait.  There’s more!

Say what you will about Honey Boo Boo Child.  You can’t say she ain’t thorough when it comes to her domestic responsibilities.

Boo mopped the floor.  The stove.  The kitchen counters.  The outside of the refrigerator.  The inside of the refrigerator.  The food in the refrigerator.

You heard me.  Even the food.

Who knew?  I don’t recall the ShamWow! Guy ever showing me how easy it was to slop a dirty floor mop all over my cold cuts and milk cartons, thus speeding up not only the cleaning process but also the amount of time it takes for botulism to fully incubate on my Kraft cheese slices.

I’ve wasted so much time and money waiting for food to go bad all these years.

While Alana was busy infecting the household food supply, Mama was still back at the hospital with Sugar Bear, kanoodling and doorknobbing as they plotted his release.

The poor little guy looked so tired and just wanted to go home.

hh2

Sugar Bear missed his family.  A lot.  And no doubt also his mouthful of tobacco drool, because I’m pretty sure that hospital jello can’t compare to a wad of dip in your cheek.

But mostly he missed the girls and his big June Bug, and just wanted to be back home declaring his love for them all out of every open window.  Extra loud, of course, so everyone could hear it over the sound of that train skimming the side of the garage every fifteen minutes.  Can you even imagine?

With the doctor’s blessing, Mama packed up all his Firehouse Sub t-shirts and it was finally time to go home and begin the healing process.

And to pick out dresses for the Commitment Ceremony!

I know, right?  Pumpkin in a dress.  Shut.  Up.

Now I don’t know what kind of fashion store GG Formals was supposed to be, but it looked like that first scene after Dorothy crash landed in Oz and she walked out of her house and almost went blind.

No.  We’re not talking stuffy formal wear and prissy gowns.

We’re talking My Great Gypsy Redneck Hello Kitty Circus Pageant Rainbow Wedding.

On acid.

And can we talk dress code, while we’re at it?  What kind of formal shop has their employees wear aprons?  Like the kind they wear on that Cupcake show.

And who knew that Pumpkin was actually a girl?  Did you?  I totally would have lost that bet when she came out of the dressing room all awkward girly boob and smelly feet.

And how much do you think they had to pay that employee to stand inside the fitting room spraying it down with a can of Bowling Shoe Squirt?

h6

Yup.  Pumpkin proudly comparing her warm mismatched StinkFeet to soft brie followed by a moment of reflective self-doorknobbing pretty much did me in for this week.

I’m done.  Can we go now?

I love this show.

While that cute little baby with the three thumbs rolled all around the floor like she was watching CrazyTown cartoons (…I mean…c’mon.  How cute is that baby?…) the three big girls all paraded in and out of the fitting rooms in a veritable PopArt splash of I don’t know what.

There was seriously so much glitter and feathers and rhinestones and sequins ricocheting around the room that it appeared to send Alana into some kind of Go-Go Juice flashback that required her to physically support herself on the mirror with two hands until she stopped pageant trippin’.

Work it out, Smoochie.  Work it out.

After finally agreeing on dresses that didn’t make the fat girls look so fat (…their words, not mine…) everyone headed home to show some more love and jump on Sugar Bear’s tender pancreas.

But it wouldn’t be an episode of Boo Boo if there wasn’t some eating involved.  So bring on the pizza.  And the wings.  And more pizza.  And more wings.

And then maybe even tiramisu, which made no sense whatsoever.

That’s right.  June’s Almost-Wedding Bridal Shower was in full gear!

But we got the presents as an endless parade of friends and relatives streamed into Amici’s Restaurant.  Let’s just say that if there really is a God of Reality TV, at least ten of them will have their own TLC show by the time the 2014 season lineup is revealed.

Starting with June’s sister Doe Doe.

h1

Like the bird, I guess.  Or two baby deer, maybe.  I dunno.

Nice and smiley and super friendly.

And dating José, who pretty much gave me a reason to live again.  Love.  Him.

This guy was so politically incorrect that in his two fleeting minutes on camera he probably single handedly set the Justice for Janitors campaign back about 20 years.

He giggled about how the day he met Doe Doe (…in a Home Depot parking lot?…) she called him a Border Jumper and then asked him to go dancing at the Ramada.

Or something.

Full disclosure:  I was so mesmerized by señor José that I may be making some of this up.  Can I even say Border Jumper without getting my site shut down?

Then he showed June his dancing skills right there at the pizza table, which kind of looked like he was using two mops at one time but I couldn’t be certain.  It was sort of like the Windshield Wiper move they used to do on MTV mixed with someone getting ready to tag a dumpster with two Krylon spray cans.  I need to party with this guy asap.

Then he explained that he was the only male in the entire joint and that he was working hard at fitting in with all the White Women.

And then my head exploded and I woke up during a Geico commercial.

(Anybody know what day it is?  Mike Mike Mike Mike…)

Shut the front door.  And the border, por favor.

Seriously.  Paula Deen can’t sell ham on QVC anymore but this dude just called out an entire room full of rednecks.  Only in America.

Vote for José

h0

Aside from the hilarity surrounding José and his mad dancing skills, there was also the usual sloppy eating and food fights as Pumpkin shoved tiramisu into Mama’s face and Alana inhaled everything she could fit on her plate.

Another friend Vicki skipped her appointment at the salon for a root touch-up and came straight to the party to show support for June.  Not sure what was going on with her hair, but she was a good friend to make an appearance even though she predicted that June would bolt and not go through with the ceremony.

In a touching final moment, we got to see a side of Mama June that she works hard to hide.  The softer side.

While trying to thank everyone for showing up, June got all choked up and then lost her nutty in a sobbing meltdown.  After only seeing her pass gas and Monster Sneeze and do her jiggly Pageant Mom dance behind the judges all these years, it was nice to see Mama just be Mama.

Because it is what it is.

Mama loves her Man.  And her Family.  And her Friends.  And her Food.

Pretty much in that order.

And when you can have them all together?  All at once?

Even better.

So once José cleaned the place up, one more thing could be checked off The List.

All that was left this week was to go home, tuck in the kids, find a good doorknob and burn off some of that pizza.

Safety.

h9


%d bloggers like this: