Posts Tagged ‘Holly Frazier’

Bring It!: This Ain’t Geometry, Girl. It’s The Elite World Of Hip-Hop Majorettes. So Gimme Some Face…Mmmkay?

Saturday, March 8th, 2014




Imma need you to clock that bag. Then watch me clock your Mama if she opens that door again.






I know, right? It’s like you’re looking at freakin’ Beyoncé. And I know you ain’t ready for this jelly.






Oh Hella ‘ella ‘ella NoSheDin’t just say she was Beyoncé. I just ’bout flipped my new Rihanna wig.







Srsly, Siri. Where do they find this hair?







You know I can hear you, right? Cuz I’m sitting right over here looking atchoo little girl. Dat’s rite.






I’m thinking some of these bitches might be a little bit crazy. Just a little bit.






It’s not like we’re trying to figure out what type of damn polygon has interior angles equal to the sum of the exteriors. We’re just twerkin’.




That’s it.

I’m done.

Every time I say that I’ve seen it all, something comes along and proves me wrong.

Like Bring It!  Which totally brought it.

So, yeah.  I’m not saying that anymore.

Lifetime’s newest DanceYourBootyPantsOff reality show, which promises to shine a spotlight on the elite world of hip-hop majorette competitions, Stand Battled it’s way right up in our grills this week and had the internet buzzing before we even got permission to take our first water break.

Let’s just keep it real, mmmkay?  If you know me…or my hot mess of a site…you knew I’d be all over this show.  Girrrl, pleez. Not gonna lie.  A little obsessed already.

But I’m going to leave all the controversy over young girls booty popping in gymnasiums vs. young girls feeling empowered and building self esteem through dance to the angry chat rooms.  Because under all the noise OhHellNo’s and synthetic lace fronts is a pretty solid statement on mentoring kids so they grow up to be better kids.

That, and the fact that I tend to shy away from controversy whenever possible.

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t mind starting controversy.  It’s kinda my thang.  I just don’t want to be in the middle of it once I get everyone else all wound up.  I’d rather just slowly back out of the room like nothing ever happened and then continue rambling on endlessly about things I know absolutely nothing about.

Like the elite world of hip-hop majorette competitions.

Somehow over the last few years, I’ve managed to cleverly bluff my way through multiple seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras and Dance Moms without any working knowledge of how those competitions are supposed to be run.  And nobody has ever caught onto me.  Yet.


But the elite world of hip-hop majorette competitions is pretty much like asking me to give a book report on a book that I’ve never read.  Or even checked out of the library.

But you know I love me some Crazy.  Especially if it happens to be stuck to the side of a loud Mom.  The bigger and prouder and louder and crazier the better.   So yes, please.

Which brings us to Bring It!

And the Dollhouse Dance Factory in Jackson, Mississippi.

Can I just say before we even get started that I’m getting pretty sick of the South getting all the good stuff?  I mean, really.  They have all the cool Glitz Pageants.  The Jackin’ It To Jesus hair.  The fried stuff.  They even have Honey Boo Boo Child.

And now they have to go and swipe hip-hop majorette competitions right out from under the rest of us, too?  So not fair.

If you’re pressed for time and can only spare one hour a week for your television viewing, you could probably tune into Bring It! and cover all your bases, because it’s pretty much a combo platter of all the ratchety reality goodness that you might otherwise be missing.

You got your Dance Moms.  Your sparkly Toddler bling.  Real Housewives of Wherever drama.  MTV video dancing.  Those thick girls from VH1 clanging on pots and pans to wake up their roommates.  What Not To Wear fashions.  And some of the most whacked out Jerry Springer weaves that you’ve ever seen go flying around the room.

Spoiler Alert:  A preview of an upcoming episode even shows one of the Mamas whipping off her hair in the heat of the battle.  I already died a little in anticipation.

At the center of the show is owner Dianna Williams and her mission to promote high self esteem, determination, persistence, high academic achievement, community involvement and the importance of healthy young women through her dance studio.

Yes.  It’s a mouthful.  But Girlfriend has the mouth for it, don’t you worry.  She’s loud and aggressive and don’t put up with yo’ Mama’s crap.  At all.  But under all that no-nonsense exterior, she has a heart of gold.  And probably a grill of silver and some brass knuckles.


Dianna don’t play.  She ain’t gonna baby you and she ain’t gonna sugar coat it.

She also ain’t gonna let yo’ Mama in the building.

Cuz that’s the rule.  Moms have to stay on the cold sidewalk, watching the action through cracks in the window blinds like underage boys outside a strip joint, which by itself could be a spin-off show if this thing takes off in the ratings.

Trust me.  It was like a clown car full of Circus Moms as they all started piling out under the streetlights, each one funnier than the next.  None of them had a filter.  Or a blending brush as they all started talking at the same time for the entire hour.

First up was Mom Selena and her daughter Sunjai.  Selena’s nickname around town was ‘Beyoncé‘ because I guess a long time ago somebody at some bar somewhere was Drunk In Love and told her that she looked like Jay-Z‘s wife and it stuck.  So now she’s Beyoncé.

The Voice of Reason in the MomPosse was Mimi and her Dancing Doll Camryn.  Mimi called everyone ‘Sugar‘ and ‘Sweetie‘ and you know she probably sings too loud in her church choir.

This week’s award for Wearing A Wig And Not Even Trying To Hide It went to Mom Tina, who looked exactly like that Ronald McDonald statue that sits on the end of the bench right before you turn into the drive-thru.  If she hadn’t accessorized it with that little black bow that Sally used to wear on The Dick Van Dyke Show I probably would have talked into her mouth and ordered a Big Mac.

She’s my new TV girlfriend, by the way.  Love me some Tina.  Her daughter Kayla is the Team Captain, which is also a good thing to be.

And finally, there was Rittany, Bitch.  And her daughter Crystianna.  Rittany did that NeNe Leakes pinky sweep thing with her bright red bangs every 14 seconds and you could already tell that she’s the pot that will probably blow a lid first.  She was not happy that they had to stand outside all night, even though Dianna had already made it clear that you could not come in and eat yo’ wings and eat yo’ hamburgers.

This ain’t no Burger King.  Which is true, because I think it’s actually a Target.

You tell me the inside of that studio doesn’t look exactly like Target the day after Black Friday when all the racks are empty.


While the Moms tried to push each other in the front door without an officially sanctioned DDP (…Dancing Doll Parent…) Union Card, Dianna was inside giving us Shangela Realness.

Or something I like to call Six Degrees of Nia Frazier, for all you Dance Moms fans.

Clock The Bag.  Clock The Shoes.  Now Punch The Clock.  Which are all lyrics from a song that drag queen Shangela Laquifa Wadley sang.  Miss Thang Shangela was on RuPaul’s Drag Race.  Twice.  And then he/she was on Dance Moms, where he/she taught Nia Frazier how to Death Drop and tuck it like a Boss.  And then Abby Lee Miller showed up in the music video for some reason.

Six Degrees of Nia Frazier.  Halleloo.  Now give me Face.  And Werk.

We’ll go into the Dance Dictionary at a later date and break it all down for you.  For now, all that matters is that the DDs would be going up against the Ladies of Excellence in a Stand Battle this week, which is the most important part of any competition.  Turns out that there are loads of categories in the elite world of hip-hop majorette competitions, but the one where two teams face each other and get all OhNoSheDin’t and Don’t Make Me Snap My Fingers In A ‘Z’ Formation seems to be the most important one.

But it’s still not Geometry, which Rittany somehow compared the whole process to as she tried to make Beyoncé understand what was actually happening inside the building after Sunjai got cut from the routine.

Quote of the Day:  It’s not Geometry.  It’s simply 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, sevum, 8.  That’s the counts they do.  This is not mathematics.

Umm.  Yeah.  It kinda is, actually.

But Rittany keeps it Real.  She said so.  She also said it might not be in the proper grammar.  But you’ll git it, gurl.  And I did.

Srsly.  What I love even more than these crazy ladies is how much these crazy ladies love their not so crazy kids.  Because that’s what really matters at the end of each day.  All sevum of ’em.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And what a production it was.


Two tour buses full of kids.  And all their luggage.  And all their non-nappy weaves.  And all their non-nappy wigs.  And all their clear lip gloss.  And one lone tube of pink lip gloss that somehow made it through the TSA checkpoint undetected, but was immediately discovered and smeared off the face of some poor little girl who just guaranteed herself at least two more years of therapy.

Pink lip gloss?  Srsly?  You ain’t Nicki Minaj.

Noticeably missing from all the festivities was Rittany, who never showed up for the bus ride.  Nobody knew where she was.  Or if she was coming.  Or how Crystianna made it to the bus without her Mama driving the car.  That kid can’t have a license yet.  Anyone else catch that one?

They also didn’t explain that little nugget of a tyke sitting next to Dianna, who I’m going to assume was her son.  He had the best fuzzy little head and sat their like a perfect little gentleman writing “These Bitches R Krazee” on his Crayola Wii screen.

Oh.  And Dianna did porn.

Wait.  What?

Yeah.  That’s about how subtly it came up in conversation.  I don’t know if it was for shock value or to prove how she wanted a better life for her Dolls or to spike sales on Amazon.  But it totally came out of nowhere and made my Twitter page freeze up.

And, no…I didn’t Google it.  I don’t want all of that sitting in the cloud somewhere when my hard drive crashes, thank you.  Find it yourself, pervert.

Dianna also said she loves her team…loves them hard, which she probably shouldn’t have said so soon after the whole porno thing, but sometimes you can’t take stuff back no matter how much you wish you could after it’s out there.

Like that whole last paragraph.

Once everyone made it to the venue, we met Brittany Grace, the coach for the Ladies of Excellence.  She seemed very nice, but I’m not sure if she realized the right side of her bangs were a little wonky.  She also looked like she swam in the community center pool without goggles.  But she was very polite and rather nervous about going up against the Dancing Dolls.  Can you blame her?


After a quick Prayer Circle with about 217 girls in booty spandex (…how big is this dance company anyway?…) Dianna and her team hit the floor.  Kayla did her Captain’s Solo while Mimi held up a gigantic cardboard Camryn head on a stick, which I totally need now.

Please tell me you saw that crazy random Mom trying to videotape everything on what was either the world’s biggest iPad or the actual screen from a Microsoft desktop.  What was that thing…?  And how did she not fall over?  Tina literally pushed her out of the way like she just heard someone call her name on The Price Is Right.

Kayla rocked her solo and yet was less out of breath than her mother when the whole thing was over.  I lived for how excited Tina got during the routine.

That’s My Baby!  That’s My Baby!

Rittany finally showed up with gigantic earrings made out of gold cocktail coasters and some lame excuse about no cell service.  Puh.  Leez.  Nice try, honey.

I don’t know one sistah who doesn’t somehow have a constantly charged Sidekick.  You ever been to a food court on a Saturday?  It’s like Jack Bauer on Fox’s 24.

Chloe?  Where you at, Bitch?

Dianna and Rittany went at it for a few rounds until Rittany’s parenting skills were called into question.  Then it was all Slow Your Row.  Slow Your Row.  Just Slow Your Row.

Rittany tends to repeat everything she says at least 3 times.  I think it’s actually still a rule on VH1 and few other select channels, now that you mention it.  At least during chick fights.  I’m sure some other great one liners were probably spit out during their argument, but in all honesty, Rittany was wearing a white track jacket, red NeNe hair, denim cut offs and black lace hosiery so my focus was all over the place.

Oh.  And the Stand Battle set the place on fiyah.  Thanks for asking.

When it was all over, both Kayla and the Team took home a First Place trophy, proving that with strong mentoring leadership and the proper shade of lip gloss girls can do whatever they set their minds to.

Bring it?  Hellz to the Yeah.

They done brung it.

Now clock out and we’ll see you next time.




Dance Moms: Sorry, Honey. No Solo For You. Old Moms, New Moms And Wannabes Throwing Down In Motown.

Wednesday, March 5th, 2014




Gotta make sure I get a good shot of these new pants. There’s a lot going on down there.






I know, right? My first book! Which is one more than the rest of you. So suck on that for a few.






Honestly, I was just looking for the Glitz Pageant. But I’ll take two books, because your man is Fine.







Stop staring at me. I told you it’s gone.







Oh. Hell. No. I know that new Mom did not just throw shade in my face. Gurrrrl…this won’t end well.






I’m pretty sure I don’t need some bitch in last year’s blouse coming in here talking trash.






Think, Girl. Think. Did you unplug the hot rollers this morning? Cuz that could be an issue.




Road trip!

Pack some snacks and gas up the Rambler, girls.

Mama’s got a brand new Louis bag and she’s taking it to Detroit.

Dance Moms hit the highway this week to celebrate Motor City’s hot mess of a financial meltdown.  Because nothing get those toes tapping like $18.5 billion in unpaid debt, right?

Clearly, if you can’t bail yourself out of bankruptcy, the least you can do is dance about it.

Basking in an 8 week glow as Undefeated Champions of the World, Abby Lee Miller and the ALDC gang were revving their engines in anticipation of Number 9 from the minute they all scooted in for the obligatory Pyramid of Shame.

Kelly, Brooke and Paige were still MIA.  Never to return (…at least for now…) and clearly only mentioned in this sentence for the purpose of getting me more Google hits from their fan base.  I’m not proud, but at least I own it.

Before the Big Reveal, there were a couple of topics to discuss.

One:  Abby’s makeup.  Srsly.

I don’t know if it was residual smear on my television screen from Monday’s premiere of RuPaul’s Drag Race or what, but Ms. Miller was contoured and highlighted like she was about to lip sync for her life.

I’m not hatin’.  Love you.  Mean it.  But whoa.  Sissy that Face, Miss Thang.

Two:  My girl Holly was all like Well That’s A Nice Story And All, But I Just Published My First Book.  Hollah!  And then she danced a little, I think.   

That’s right.  Dr. Beyoncé finally cranked out the first pressing of ‘Moments Of Clarity’ …a novel chock full of daily affirmations and fashion tips, which you can buy right here.  Or if you’re really that lazy, you can just look to the left of this paragraph, go up a little and then click on her face.  It’s really not rocket science.

But remember…it’s her old ‘do in the graphic.  So don’t get confused.  It’s still her, I swear.

Just before she got her hair did, mmmkay?


And no, I still don’t get commission.  She just owes me lunch.  With dessert, thank you.

All the other Moms gave Holly a big round of applause and immediately got all excited about an upcoming book signing.  Abby even showed a little uncharacteristic support by doing that odd base of her palm thing that she always does to ensure that no acrylics pop off while she’s clapping.  It’s like Monkey Clapping when you pull a surprise banana out of your pocket and they all start throwing themselves against the bars of the cage.

Unfortunately, the entire press release was overshadowed once again by one of Jill‘s crazy a** fur vests.  I’ll even go out on a limb and call it the best one yet.

Well played, Mama Vertes.  I did not know that Star Trek had a couture line.

Captain Kirk would totally tap that.

C’mon.  How much do we love Jill?  Muah.

Bottom row of the Pyramid was filled up with Nia, Kendall and Maddie.  Nia had some headpiece issues in last week’s group dance.  I swear those ALDC girls must grease their heads, because there ain’t one girl in that building who has ever been able to keep something on her head for an entire routine.  Am I wrong?

Kendall did just fine at the last competition, but then Captain Kirk’s new girlfriend mouthed off and sealed her daughter’s fate this week.  So there you go.

Since Maddie was off in Los Angeles last week getting an Oscar for Most Dances With The Same Facial Expression, she had to be on the bottom just because of the rules.  Otherwise I’m certain that she would have been on top again.

The Middle row was special seating for Chloe and Mackenzie, for no real reason other than to leave room at the top for Kalani and that sassy hands on her hips soap opera headshot.  You see that thing?  I thought Abby was going to pull out one of those little plastic handheld fans that big girls take to the beach and try to make Kalani’s hair move in the photo.  Werk.

And then the whole MoleGate Twitter thing started again.

I dunno wassup with Kira.  Why would I?  It’s there.  And then it’s gone.  And then it’s back again.  And then it’s gone again.  Rinse & Repeat.

Somebody even wrote to me specifically to find out what insider information I might have regarding Kira’s upper lip.



Yeah, I’m tight with the Dance Moms crew.  They’ll deny it in court, but we’re BFFs now.  But I draw the line at accompanying any of them to laser treatments.  Even if there are cocktails involved.  Because that would be uncomfortable for at least one of us.

So please stop asking me about you-know-what.

As mentioned earlier, the gang was heading to Detroit for another one of those SpellCheck Nightmare In10sity Dance Competitions.

Maddie and Kendall scored solos, which made both Before and After Treatment Kira question why Kalani was never allowed to go up against a Ziegler.

Spoiler Alert:  She didn’t get very far in that argument even though she did manage to drag it out for the entire hour.

The group routine, entitled Riches To Rags, was a snappy little number about unemployment and financial hardships that got Holly a little concerned.  She’s not big on mocking other people’s hardships.  Even for a trophy.

As Holly voiced her concerns in the MomPerch, Abby was downstairs in the studio explaining why Maddie…and her solo…were both breathtakingly Timeless.  Because she likes to push everyone else’s buttons like that.

All that really mattered during the conversation was Kalani, who instead of knocking Maddie unconscious in front of the cameras, chose instead to just scratch her head with one finger like girls do when their weaves or braids are too tight right before a playground fight.

We could all learn a lot about snarky attitude from that girl.  She’s my new idol and she’s pretty and awesome and pretty awesome.

But no rumble today, kids, because it was time to press some flesh and hug some babies at Holly’s Book Signing.

Held in one of those big hotels that made me miss Toddlers & Tiaras even more than I already do, Holly and Barack Obama were holding their first Meet & Greet Autograph Session.

Um.  Hello?  Dr. Holly’s Man Evan?  I have no clue what office he’s running for, but I’m totally voting for him in September.


Dude was schmoozing and waving and hugging s*** like he was a parade marshal or something.  All the Moms dropped by in a show of solidarity.  And Abby.  And most of the cast from The Cosby Show.

Totes jealz that I wasn’t there.  I would have totally sat at that other table with those two Girl Scouts and minded my own business just selling books and Thin Mints.

Back at the ALDC, Kendall was working on her solo while some random baby was being tossed upside down next door in Studio C.  Not sure why we needed to actually see that, but watching some tiny preemie being flipped around like a bean bag did kind of give me life for a second.

Nice try on the somersault, too.  I’m also 80% Head.  So I feel your pain, kid.

Kendall’s dance involved wrapping a pair of pointe shoes around her neck and then whipping them in circles like Britney Spears does with her fake hair.

Meltdown in 3…2…1.

Kendall lost it.  Gianna lost it.  Jill lost it.  The Swinging Is Too Much!  Not Doing It!  Crying.  Doors slamming.  More crying.

And then Maddie went into the studio, learned her entire solo, baked a cake and cured polio in 2.5 minutes.  It was starting to look like a set up.  Or was it?  Hmmm.

All I know is that it was the most I’ve ever heard Kendall talk in 3 years.  She’s sassy.

On the final day before the competition, Abby was MIA and Gianna was large and in charge.  And the first item on her to-do list was to have Melissa come down from the MomPerch and videotape Maddie’s rehearsal for some reason.  

One:  Melissa’s snuggly wuggly pajama jeans were like dropping acid and then sticking your head in a washing machine.  I don’t even know where you find a factory that still makes that pattern in stretch fabric now that the 1960’s are over.

Even Jill hated them.  And when Jill draws the line…well…there you go.

Two:  Everyone was moisturizing up in the Perch.  Which is fine.  It’s cold and dry in Pittsburgh.  I get it.  But when they’re all up there chewing gum and lubing up like a cult it’s just a little creepy.  No wonder their kid’s hats never stay on their heads.


Finally, it was Showtime!  And cameo appearance by a new whack job Mom time!

Fresh from the ALDC Open Call Auditions in New York City, wannabe Mom Jeanette Cota swooped down from some open ceiling tile like a dancing ninja and pounced on Abby as they entered the venue.

Remember me from the Open Call?  Remember me?  And my jungle print Kohl’s blouse?  The blouse that is no where near as cool as Holly’s new flowing Wilma Flintstone animal skin?  Or Mackenzie’s zebra print carry-on?

Do not adjust your set.  There was a lot of Jersey Shore going on this week.

Abby claimed that all these crazy Moms were now stalking her across the country in the hopes of getting their kids onto the ALDC Elite Team.  Jeanette apparently hitchhiked all the way from Michigan to sneak her daughter Ava onto the team.

Which made me wonder what ever happened to that girl from Nebraska who showed up at the studio with Kalani that first day?  She waved, sat down and was never heard from again.  I hope she made it home safely.

They’re from Nebraska, you know.

Backstage was a mess.  I don’t think you need me to tell you that the entire back wall looked like a mall pet store.  At least the part that wasn’t covered in hot pink fabric.  What are they hiding back there?  Why are there cages everywhere?  I think this goes way deeper than any of us initially suspected.

But don’t worry, though.  When Evan gets elected he’ll clean up government.

Kendall and Maddie’s solo went like all the Kendall and Maddie solos.  No news here.

The group routine managed to mock Detroit’s welfare system without anyone in the audience even realizing what was happening on stage.  Luckily Motor City isn’t the one where the Mayor does crack, or that would have substantially more awkward.  And probably harder to score.

Mackenzie did throw a nicely choreographed hissy fit on stage, complete with one of the girls picking her up mid-tantrum.  I almost forgot that she was even on the show this week until she dropped that spaz on us.

Backstage in the pet store, Jeanette busted down the door and started talking smack about Kendall which got both Jill and Kira noticeably wound up.


Fake Kristie Ray Hilliker has gotten much better at tossing her head and whipping those big earrings around lately.  She gets points this week.

And then suddenly it was another Improv Dance Off.  Because they do that a lot lately.  But this one was on stage.  For money or something, I guess.  I dunno.  It just kind of came out of nowhere.  Like Jeanette.

Chloe, Kalani and Random Girl #25 from WhoKnowsWhere ended up being in the Final Three.  Which meant that Ava got cut early, which made Jill and Kira pretty darn happy.  Then Random Girl #25 won the whole thing.

Followed by the Awards.  And some serious MomDancing in the seats.

Sit down, Jill.  You’re drunk.

Kendall scored 9th Place.  Maddie scored 1st Place.  And the group came in Numero Uno.

Nine weeks in a row, beeotches!

To celebrate, Christi and Abby decided to throw down in the hallway again.  Git In M’Face!  Git Outta M’Face!  Keep It Up!  Keep It Up!  Not Scared Of You!

Check out Melissa’s nervous blinking.  And Holly autographing books in the background.

And then Christi called her own mother something that got (bleeped) out.  They even blurred her mouth out like VH1 does when the Mob Wives threaten each other with a fork to the throat.

Nine weeks.  Can they make it Ten?

Will they even live that long?

And what about Kalani?  Is she officially on the Team yet?

And how about that Jeanette lady?  And Ava?

So many questions that will have to go unanswered for now.

At least until next week.

When Candy Apples return.

That’s right.  She’s baaaaack.

But for now…just go away.

It’s over.



Dance Moms: Get Used To It, Because Nothing’s Fair In Downtown Abby. It’s The New And The Old And The Inner.

Wednesday, February 26th, 2014





Yo. Don’t Be Tardy for the Girl Party. NaNaNaNaNaNaNa.















Hi. Yeah. Just a quick reminder that it’s The International Year Of The Nia.







What? Yeah, I got a Flashback. ‘Choo lookin’ at, Punk?







So now I have no stress in my life and it’s always 5 o’clock somewhere. Boom.







Don’t get me started today. Seriously.







I’m just saying put those fingers down or I’ll be wiping the floor with your face.




Welcome to Downtown Abby.

Or Abbyville, as the locals call it.  Where the feet are sickled and nothing is fair.

Two episodes later and the Dance Moms were still trying to figure out how to deal with the collateral damage created by SlapGate.

Kelly & Co. were gone from The Team.  Christi was moping around the ALDC lockers like she had just lost her Pep Squad Bestie right before Homecoming.  And wannabe Mom Kira was hard at work figuring out the fastest way to snag that empty seat up in the MomPerch before the body was even cold.

Yes.  It was a sad day in Abbyville.  There was a somber darkness hanging over the Abby Lee Dance Company building this week.  A cloud over head.  And potholes down below.

Still with the potholes.

What’s it gonna take to get those filled in?  They probably spend more money replacing rims and realigning their front tires every season.  I don’t get it.

But I digress.

What better time to start an episode out in sunny Los Angeles?  Where everything is bright and shiny and auto tuned.

Before we even hit The Pyramid of Shame this week, we were in LA with MackDaddy Mackenzie and her posse as she got ready to lay down beatz for her upcoming tweeny bop cd.  I don’t think it has an actual working title yet, even though Abby kept referring to it as I’m Gonna Be Way Bigger Than That Girl Whose Mom Is A Bitch.

Mom Melissa was there.  And Maddie, who clearly only tagged along because she had some kind of gig of her own going down in the City of Angels.

Abby was noticeably vague about what the older Ziegler was really up to on the West Coast and would only refer to it as ‘a job’…which basically covered everything from coffee shop waitress to opening a one woman show at the Kodak Theater.  So who knows.


But it must have been important, because she and Mom were out the door before the back up track even started.  You’re on your own, Mack-Z.

The studio reminded me of one of those tiny recording booths on the Boardwalk where you go in and make a cassette tape of yourself singing the theme from Titanic while they’re cooking your curly fries next door.

The guy in charge of the place seemed nice enough in his GAP henley, even though he appeared to be a little overly moisturized and had that IsThisReallyMyLife? kind of look on his face when Mackenzie started her riff.

Don’t be jealous of her boogie.  Cuz I know you were.  I was.

Take an old episode of My Little Pony.  The one where Rainbow Dash has a sleepover.  Add in the theme song from Batman.  The 1960’s one.  Not the Val Kilmer one.  And then have an animated Disney bunny sing it while Hello Kitty plays double dutch with a magic unicorn that poops sparkles every time he jumps.

NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa…Girrrrl Party!

There were some major issues with focus and energy which caused the entire production to shut down for a break after the first four 8 counts.  And then some serious pep talks.  But all that really mattered was that Abby stole some of Jill‘s best Award Presentation MomDance moves and raised the roof like she had just won big at Bingo.

Yes.  Her milkshake could definitely bringing sumthin to the prison yard this week.

Since we had already eaten up so much valuable time in LA, the actual Pyramid was dealt with pretty quickly once everyone (…minus Maddie…) made it back to Pittsburgh.

Bottom row was all about Nia, Kendall and Kalani.  Never skimp on the Butt Glue.  That’s all I have to say on the matter.

The middle tier was  held down by Chloe and Mackenzie.  Chloe continued to have issues with her face.  Or lack thereof.  Poor little thing is taking a beating this season.  Which is odd, considering that in all her Instagram photos Chloe is always smiling and fish facing and peace signing like she’s the happiest kid in the world.  And that’s not creepy at all that I know her Instagram account.

Mackenzie got major props just for carrying around a giant box of candy in last week’s group routine, which is basically something I do on a daily basis with no acknowledgement whatsoever.  So there’s that, I guess.


And then Maddie was on top.  Jill tried to act surprised, but her face didn’t move anymore than Chloe’s did.  We love Jill.

This week the gang was headed to Fort Wayne, Indiana for another appearance at the Masters of Dance Competition.  Mackenzie, Kalani and Chloe all scored solos, but Abby still needed someone to play the role of Maddie while she was out in LA doing Top Secret government intel.

So you know what that means.  Say it with me:  Dance Off!

Which they used to do all the time on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  Which is another reason why sometimes I don’t even know what show I’m watching.  Honestly, there are some nights when they’ve swapped dancers back and forth so many times and done the same shtick on one show that they already did on another one so many times that I’m half way through Kim of Queens before I realize Dance Moms ended 30 minutes ago.  I’m not even making that part up.

The Moms voted.  The kids voted.  And then somehow they picked a winner.

Kendall was now the New Maddie, whatever that meant, and everyone got to rehearsing.

Right away, Abby wanted Chloe to find her Inner Maddie.

Old Maddie.  New Maddie.  And now Inner Maddie.  That’s three Maddies already if you’re keeping track.  It’s getting a little Children of the Corn in here.

Up in the MomPerch, Christi got a cell phone ring from Kelly that I mistakenly believed to be her one call from prison until they cleared things up for me.  My bad.  Kelly didn’t need bail money…just lunch.

Somehow Kira managed to sneak herself an invite, even though she was a big part of the reason Kelly had lost her nutty on Abby in the first place back on that fateful day.  But Kira really wanted to meet Kelly when she wasn’t slapping stuff around.  And if she could try the breadsticks at that new restaurant at the same time?  Score.

So everyone headed out to lunch.


Christi and Kelly got there first and politely began eating before anyone else showed up.  Nice.  No wonder the host sat them in one of those deserted Real Housewives back rooms where the rest of the patrons wouldn’t get stabbed in the neck with a fork.

By the time everyone else arrived, it was pretty clear that when NBC decides to film a new version of The Golden Girls in 2040 that these women all need to be contacted and immediately signed up for the reboot.

Trust me.  They are gonna make THE best crazy old ladies.  Holly squealed and ran in all wrapped up in her pashmina scarf.  Melissa had a crazy twitch going on in her eye that started a few episodes ago.  Kira gave Kelly THE best, most wimpiest fish slap handshake evah and then sat across the table mouthing ‘You’re A Bitch’ and stuffing warm breadsticks in her purse.  And Jill?  She just wanted dirt.

But Kelly couldn’t talk.  Gag order.  And the fact that at least two of the waitresses were probably on the TMZ payroll.  So I guess we’ll have to wait for the deets.

With two days to go before the competition, Maddie was finally back from WhoKnowsWhere and ready to steal the spotlight back from Kendall.

The group routine was  a confusingly dark Witch from Snow White serving up Poison Apple Realness kind of thing, where none of the Moms could tell who had the lead anymore.  Maddie had also apparently brought the red apple back from Los Angeles, because it suddenly appeared out of nowhere when she shoved it in Kalani’s face.

The MomPerch was buzzing, I tell you.  Buzzing and chewing.  Clearly, somebody bought a whole new pack of gum this week because half the Moms had so much Juicy Fruit in their mouths that I thought they were hiding stuff up in there.

Even with a mouthful, though, Melissa did manage to blurt out that nobody on the Team could ever beat Maddie.  Ouch.  Not cool.

Sidenote:  Abby tried to teach Kalani how to eat an entire apple in one gigantically wet bite and now I have to sleep with a nightlight.  Thanks for that.

In probably the oddest moment of the episode (…if it was actually possible to pick just one, I mean…) Abby made it all the way up to the Mom Perch to let them know that she knew that they had gone to lunch with Kelly.


I know, right?  Who knew?  Turns out that her own Mom had spies in the food service industry all these years.

There was also some major Twitter buzz about Kira’s face in one of her interview blips, but I really can’t handle SlapGate and MoleGate in the same post.  Was it there?  Was it gone?  Was it covered in makeup?

Really?  Why aren’t you kids doing homework?  It’s a Tuesday night.

Finally, it was Showtime!  After a long, stressful bus ride that is, where we learned that Christi may (…or may not…) have dinged someone’s car door back at the ALDC and then pleaded poverty to get out of a pending law suit.

I dunno.  That one came out of nowhere.  No.  Where.

Back in the makeup room, Abby was giving Mackenzie yet another pep talk about energy and face and channeling her Inner Asia during her solo.

Oh.  Hellz.  Yeah.  Miss Asia Monet Ray in the flashback hizzle!  Between the booty pops and the earlier improv dance off, I didn’t know which end was up this week.  All I knew was that I missed Kristie Ray so much that I went next door just to slap somebody before I went to bed.

Slept like a baby, by the way.  Try it tonight.

Chloe’s solo went great.  I swear she’s still getting taller every week.

Backstage, Maddie cornered Kalani in a scene that had to be seen to be believed.  I think it was supposed to be a coaching moment of some sort, telling her to use all three of her KalaniFaces on stage, but it ended up coming across like some head cheerleader telling a rookie to not f*** up the scores by falling off the top of the pyramid.

Clearly, Kalani had already been coached by her Mom to not choke any of the other kids until they were guaranteed a spot on the Team, because she just went ‘DUH‘ and then turned her back on Maddie before she knocked all the Los Angeles outta her head.

Oh, snap.

By the time Mackenzie hit the stage, I figured we had seen it all for this week.



Her crazy jumps and flips loosened up her little wiglet hairpiece so much that it popped off her head and slammed onto the stage like she was throwing down in some Walmart parking lot.

Dat’s rite.  Tumbleweave.  Blowing across that dusty stage.

But she’s a trooper and kept on jumping and flipping like it was nothing, and eventually the big wad of curls on the ground looked less like Chick Fight and more like Star Trek Tribble.

Spock, pleez.

After the performance, Abby headed out back to throw the wiglet onto the floor and go a few rounds with Jill.  I guess Dance Offs don’t guarantee you nuthin’ no mo’.

Finally, the group number hit the stage.  It went well, but all I could focus on was the woman behind Abby wearing a really whacked out QVC sweater with a big owl face on it.

Just.  Whoa.

Which rhymes with NO.

When it was all said and done, let’s be honest.  Nothing really happened this week.

Mackenzie got First Place.  Kalani got First Place.  Chloe got Second Place.  And the group pulled in First Place.

(Beating out ‘Ghetto Superstars,’ by the way, whoever they were.  That was really a name for a kid’s group.  Really.  Gah…how much do I love this show?)

For one last hurrah, Abby came back into the makeup room carrying one of those foam core Publisher’s Clearing House checks and screamed at the Moms a few more times.

And then it was over.

Now it was back to Pittsburgh, where the Moms were going to have to figure out whether they were dedicated to Kelly or to the ALDC.

Because you can’t have it both ways in Abbyville.

Those are the rules.

And if you don’t like it…bite me.


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