Posts Tagged ‘Holly Frazier’

Dance Moms: The Road To Nationals Comes To An End, In More Ways Than One. Is This Chloebird’s Last Song?

Wednesday, October 8th, 2014




Without my super hero headband, I can’t control my hair or my feet. What’s happening to me?






I’m sick of this S***! And I’m sick of this blog making it look like all I do is F***ing swear. F*** him and his F***ing blog!!





Trust me on this one, Christi. No matter how bad it seems…pop on a nice pair of booty shorts and it’s all good in the ‘hood.







Aw. Hell. Nah.







S***! Can you spit on her again? I had my thumb over the lens. F***ing iPhone.






Sorry to bother you girls. I was looking for the Material Girl Madonna Costume Party. Which way is the lobby?






Dance Moms Game: Grab your Sharpie and glitter pen and help give Kamryn a new headband!




This is the deal.

Save those tears for your pillow.

Or maybe Nationals.

Whatever works for you.

It was the last Dance Moms episode of the season, and Abby Lee Miller was working overtime to put the ‘final’ in ‘finale’ for at least one of her tiny dancers.

Remember the old Warner Brothers Roadrunner cartoon when the Coyote would be racing down the highway with a rocket strapped to his skateboard and all of the sudden the asphalt would just end and he’d go flying over the edge of a cliff and presumably never be heard from again?  Remember that?

A highway that always seemed to end in some kind of drama.  Or explosion.  Or both.

I think back then it was referred to as the Acme Interstate or something.

Nowadays they just call it The Road to Nationals.

Grab a snack.  It’s gonna be a long one.

With only one day to go before the final competition, the Original Recipe ALDC Team stood side-by-side with the New Team in their makeshift Los Angeles rental as Abby laid down the DanceLaw one last time.

The Old Team’s ‘Amber Alert’ group dance was a hot mess.  The New Team’s ‘Hollywood Stars’ routine needed to be flawless or they would all be sitting on those sidewalk stars outside of Grauman’s Chinese Theater begging for change and looking for new jobs.


And as for the soloists…Kendall needed to prove that she could step out of Maddie‘s shadow once and for all and finally come into her own.  Chloe needed to regain her confidence and figure out how to get the sparkle back in her eyes that she used to have before Abby sucked it all out with a Dairy Queen Blizzard straw.

(Spoiler Alert: Run.  Just RUN.  And never look back.)

And Kamryn needed to figure out who stole all her glitter headbands asap, because her battery power clearly comes from those titanium cranium wraps.

(That was also a Spoiler Alert.)

Side note:  I love Kendall’s wide-eyed innocence.  She always looks like she just realized this show was being filmed for television.  Never lose that, ok?  And tell your Mom I love her, but not in a creepy way.

Before the girls began their final day of rehearsals, Holly raised her hand and politely asked if there were going to be any more solos at the competition.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Yes, she did.  Dr. Beyoncé don’t play.  Especially when she’s already three hours behind in sleep, thank you very much West Coast time change.

As you’ll recall, last week Maddie was caught on some kind of  hidden security camera practicing a solo routine while everyone else was back at the hotel having breakfast.

I know, right?  Who knew the same technology used by Taco Bell to make sure employees don’t lick the soda nozzles could be also used to bust a dancer getting (…allegedly…) special treatment from Abby and her sidekick Gia.


Maddie wanted to do a solo at Nationals.  Duh.  Who wouldn’t?  But my girl Melissa stood up for the other dancers and stated that three solos was enough this week, which made Abby wonder why MrsZ was suddenly more concerned about her friendship with the other Moms than the pimping out of her own daughter.  It was starting to get a little weird.

Side note:  Tami wasn’t wearing booty shorts.

I repeat:  Tami was NOT wearing booty shorts.

She was, however, rocking a pair of metallic gladiator stilettos that reminded me I needed to return my Julius Caesar porno tape to Redbox before I get charged a late fee.

That was a joke, people.  They weren’t hooker shoes.  And Redbox doesn’t sell porn at grocery stores.  That would be gross.  People eat there.

PS…We heart Tami.

As the girls got to dancing, we scooted across the street to the Candy Apples rehearsal space where Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had her own bushel of crazy going on.

Choreographer du jour Chehon Wespi-Tschopp (…say that 3X fast…) was busy messing with my spellcheck and putting the Apple Cores through a bootleg Chandelier routine that was created solely to mess with Abby’s head.

Yeah, that Chandelier song.  1, 2, 3 Drink.  1, 2, 3 Drink.

(My new Dance Moms theme song, BTW.  Living on the Bar Floor.)

As long as Lifetime already paid the rights to use the song we might as well stick it in every scene, right?  I’m pretty sure I even heard it playing in the hotel elevator when my MomCrush Jill ran back upstairs to get her Emergency Bump-It.

(Today’s Jill Vertes Fashion Tip:   Always carry a spare in case you get a flat.)am

While Lady Killer Lucas Triana did that one leg up in the air thing that I swear he’ll do for his freakin’ Senior Pictures, Mom Joanne Morales made it clear that not only did she agree with Cathy’s song choice, but FYI…she had the buzzed-on-the-side haircut long before Lucas got it done down at SuperCuts.

I swear.  They both have the same hair.  Go look.

Back at the fake ALDC studio, Holly, Melissa and Jill were uncomfortably sitting on a pile of crash pads looking like those three SeeNoEvil monkeys in the gift shop as they tried to process the mess they were observing.  (Some chairs would have been nice, right?)

This ‘Amber Alert’ thing was not working out well at all, so Abby told Maddie to just leave and go work on her own solo.

Hold up.  Then wouldn’t that mean that the group number, which was supposed to be the most important number, would not get the rehearsal time it needed to guarantee a First Place win?

I wonder how Nia felt about that.

Let’s just say you don’t need to swab the inside of Sasha Nia’s mouth to know that she shares the same DNA as Holly.  That kid is wise beyond her years and wasn’t liking the idea one bit as she got all UmHellooooCanWeJustPractice? on Abby.

And then the Moms all headed outside, because they always do their best throw downs in hallways and back alleys.  You should know that after four seasons.

Holly couldn’t believe that Melissa hadn’t said anything when Abby sent Maddie out of the room.  It would have been the perfect opportunity for everyone to settle a few of these ongoing MamaDrama issues.  But whatever.  Ok, then.  Whatever.  Whatever.  Everyone got angry.  Especially Melissa, who swore so much that all the censor bleeps turned into one long noise that made me go check my smoke alarm just to be on the safe

(Does the Censor Button Guy get paid by the beep?  Cuz if he does, sign me up for this show, please.  This is way better than Mob Wives.)

It was pretty windy out there, too.  Seeing Christi come close to flashing her MomStuff to all of America was almost as traumatizing as seeing Jill’s bangs getting messed up.

Once everyone came back inside and got their hair under control, the girls continued working on their solos while the Moms addressed how fractured their MomGroup was now.  Melissa was sulking.  Christi was texting.  Holly was being Holly.  And Jill kept flipping the back of her hair like she was trying to shake out leaves or something.  It really was a wind tunnel out in that alley.

Abby got all up in Christi’s face about Chloe’s lack of enthusiasm and drive.  She even said something about Chloe sucking, which was not cool at all.  Christi called her a Wicked Witch.  Abby cackled and said she was flying away on her broom stick.

And then Christi said “Good, I hope you get hit by a truck” which didn’t make any sense since there’s no such thing as a flying truck.

Side note:  Pet Peeve.  If you’re gonna film all these crazy a** scenes out of sequence, please make sure you take all the clocks off the wall or blur them out of the shots.

Seriously.  That clock in the rehearsal room had me so messed up I didn’t know when to take my pie out of the oven.  Is it 2:30 or not?

A few minute later (..or not, maybe…) Christi confronted Chloe about the missing sparkle in her eyes.  Chloe started breaking my heart right around here somewhere.  Her spunk had left the building.  Nothing to see here.  Keep it moving.

Unfortunately, Christi got flustered and stormed off.  Whatever.  I can’t make you want to dance.  Which made Chloe and me feel even worse.  But luckily Jill was there for some unintentional comic relief.

Did you see her checking out Chloe?  At first she was all sad-like and Mom-like and looked as though she was about to hug her, but then suddenly she just looked her up and down like You’reNotReallyWearingThatOutOfTheHouseAreYou? car

Moms.  Hilarious.

There was a lot of crying.  Some yelling.  And then more crying.  Clearly, the moral of the story was that Chloe was about to lose all power to her engine boosters and plummet out of orbit, burning up as she reentered the Earth’s atmosphere.  Burning up.  Burning out.

Same diff.  And Twitter was not liking it one bit.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Cathy and her crew had apparently found time to go apple picking on their way to the auditorium (…who knew that downtown LA had so many orchards…) and started handing out shiny red souvenirs to everyone outside the venue as soon as they arrived.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a big fan of free stuff, but when everyone on the sidewalk started holding them up above their heads like Olympic torches, the whole thing got a little too Hitler Nazi for my tastes.

Side note:  I need to know who that was driving Abby’s van.  Did you see that?  It was like an older kid or Soccer Mom or something.  And did she have one of those TLC cheerleading bows in her hair?  The whole thing was so awesomely distracting that I almost didn’t notice Abby falling out of the van like she just had hip surgery.

I love this show.  Except when little kids cry.

Saddest Moment Ever:  Chloe telling her Mom she wants to win, but doesn’t know how.

Insert heartbreak here: ____________________.

And then the ALDC found out that the Candy Apples would be dancing to Chandelier and the party really got

Melissa and Abby stormed into the Candy Apples dressing room to (…allegedly…) spit on Cathy and tell her that she couldn’t have Sia as her new BFF because she was already their BFF.

Abby then tried to convince Maddie to do the Chandelier solo on stage and shove her MTV Video Awards trophy down Cathy’s throat at the same time, but Maddie declined.

Waymin.  What?  That’s totally how Abby reacted.

Holly pointed out that, once again, Melissa couldn’t do the right thing and had left all the heavy lifting to her child.  Then I remembered that MamaZ had two kids on this show and realized that I hadn’t seen Mackenzie for almost an hour.

Kendall’s solo was amazing.  A million spins.  She made Mom proud.

Chloe’s solo was good, but you could tell her enthusiasm was about on par with the choreography Abby had given her.  I liked her one-sleeved outfit and the fact that she had grown another 6 inches, but it was clear that she was running on fumes after having all the spunk syphoned out of her tank over the last four years.

Side note:  Were those sunlamp bulbs that they used to light up the studio audience?  Holy burn-out, Batman.  Bright enough?  Yeeesh.  I had to go get my tanning goggles.

Kamryn’s solo started off like a diva performance, complete with a fancy red holiday gift wrap bow from Bloomingdale’s stuck on her head, until she tried running backwards and fell on her badonkadonk.  Ouch.

But she covered it like a true rockstar with a quick backwards somersault into a split kind of thing that I’m totally trying when I wipeout on the ice this winter.

Backstage, Abby hugged Kamryn, even though every other ALDC dancer who had ever done a face plant on stage got at least one night in Solitary and their headshot taped to the bottom of the Pyramid.

Holly got all ExcuseMe? and then Nia got all YeahWhatSheSaid and then I confirmed once again that the two of them are definitely related.

Check my temp.  I think I got FrazierFever, cuz I’m burning up.


And then the Award for The Most Awkwardly Awkward Dance Moms Mom Moment went to Brigette Triana and her boom box cellphone and whatever that was she was wearing.

I swear.

Everyone in the building suddenly heard that damn Chandelier song again (…why not, right?…we already paid for it…) and looked up to see Brigette standing in the same bright light that the little lady in Poltergeist stood in right before she got herself sucked into the bedroom closet, just chilling out in the doorway with her phone up in the ayah like a Hitler apple, yo.

Wait.  What?

If that loud music was coming from that puny little phone, Mama T has a waaaaay better Sprint plan than I do.

Maybe I just watch too much Bring It! or still have Nia’s Dance Contest burned into my brain…but when Maddie shoved her way to the front of the room and busted out a Chandelier Stand Battle I just ’bout lost my noodle.

She was all like 1, 2, 3 Drink!  Boom!  Bam!  Pow!  F*** off, bitch…dat’s MY song.

Dead.  I was dead.

The Candy Apples Chandelier dance couldn’t compare to that, even though I thought they might get a few extra points for looking like Power Rangers.  Or chewable vitamins.  I couldn’t decide.  Which is probably why I wasn’t asked to judge Nationals this year.

Maddie’s face, tho.

The Amber Alert child abduction dance was straight up goose bumpy, if that’s even a word.  Not gonna lie.  When Nia snatched MackZ off the street and shoved her into that lifeguard chair I got a little spooked.

And where did all that hair come from?  Was it just me?  Or my Bring It! obsession again?

Was MackZ wearing a weave?  Dang.


Side note:  Jeanette Sighting in the audience.  Stalk much?

The Scores:  Kendall only came in 9th.  She was robbed.  Chloe came in 5th.  Abby was not happy.  The New Team pulled in 2nd on their group routine.  But got smoked by the Old Team’s First Place showing.

The Wrap-Up:  Clearly, nothing good ever happens in a hallway.

Kendall cried and Christi and Abby went at it one last time.  These kids put you on the map.  Something about a fat body.  Chloe’s washed up.  What did you say?  Christi even tried to rip down the production barrier curtain like she was Dorothy on crack going after the Wizard for his money.

Whoa.  Just whoa.

Crying.  Screaming.  And then Christi realized that Abby had finally crossed the line and it was time to go.  For ever.

If you have any heartbreak left, insert here: ___________________.

And then they  were gone.  Right out the fire doors.

Go towards the light, Chloebird.  Go towards the light.

Oh.  And the New Team got booted out of the ALDC.  Thanks for playing, but we don’t need you anymore.  Nobody on the New Team seemed very happy with that decision.

And then there were three.

Moms, that is.  And four kids.

Who’s going to the new ALDCLA?  Any one?

Guess we’ll have to wait until next season to find out.

I miss Chloe already.

See you at the Reunion.


Dance Moms: It’s All Going Down In Tinsel Town When Abby Lee And The ALDC Hit Hollywood For Nationals.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2014




OMG! A solo? If I can just keep Mom from Street Fighting for four more days, I totally got this.






For the last time… Jet Blue lost one of my suitcases. That’s why I’m not wearing any pants. Now get off my a**, woman.






If I hear ‘Girl Party’ one more time I swear I’m gonna twist your head all the way around.






Duh. I could totally win SYTYCD if it wasn’t on past my bed time. I’m talking Hollywood, baby.






Trust me, honey. I saw this once on Star Trek. After you black out you won’t remember anything.






Imma need you to hold my big pink flower so I can show these little apple boys how we do.






Yo, Jimmy. Srsly. Why the hell this kid not on my show yet? She’s buck.






A little timeline on the Hollywood Sign for you.

In 1923 when it was built, it originally spelled out ‘Hollywoodland.’

In the early 1940s, Albert Kothe (…the sign’s official caretaker…) was driving drunk when he knocked down the letter ‘H‘ right before sending his Ford Model A over a cliff.

In 1949 the City of Los Angeles Parks Department put the ‘H‘ back up and got rid of the ‘land’ part because that didn’t make sense anymore.

In 1978, nine private donors gave a total of $250,00 to sponsor replacement of the entire dilapidated sign.  They put up new letters made out of steel and restored an iconic West Coast image back to its original splendor.

And then, in 2014, Abby Lee Miller came to town and by the first day I’m pretty sure the whole thing had already fallen over.  Dance Moms: Hollywood Here We Come.


I know, right?  Already.  How’d that one sneak up on us?

No idea.  But it did.  And it’s here.  So now it’s buh bye, Pittsburgh…hello, LA.

New York, New York:  So nice they named it twice.

The ALDC in Hollywood:  So much drama they made it a two parter.

And the whole gang came along for the ride.  Almost.


The Original Recipe Elite Team (…aka ‘Old Team’…) was all accounted for and already lined up in formation as this week’s episode began, because the only thing better than a Pyramid of Shame is a Pyramid of Shame that’s on West Coast time.

Dat’s rite.  Now you can get your humiliation three hours earlier, kids!

But before they actually accomplished anything, the Select Team (…aka ‘New Team’…) stormed the room like Mother/Daughter bulldozers and took their own on again/off again spots right up there in front of Abby.  The entire ALDC 2.0 contingent showed up, with the noticeable exception of Jeannette, Ava and Tami‘s pants.

I didn’t expect to see Jeanette and Ava.  Remember when Abby kicked them both off the team (…Spoiler Alert: Or did she?…) a few weeks ago because Ava kept sitting on her Mom’s lap like that Marmaduke dog from the comic strips?

Now I’m not saying that Ava looks like a Great Dane.  I’m saying that she reminds me of those big dogs who still think they’re puppies and insist on climbing up into your lap whenever they get upset and don’t get off until your legs go numb.  That’s what I meant.


As for Miss TammyNoPants?  I have no explanation for that one.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m TeamTami all the way.  But Lawd…Booty Booty E’rrywhere.

Put some pants on, woman.  There’s kids in the car.

Right away, Holly got all AwHellNahWeDon’tNeedThemUpInHereand I made a mental note to myself to Google which Universities still offer Doctorates in

Dr. Beyoncé earned that PhD, mmkay?  Snap.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Chloe, MackZ and Nia.  Chloe had missed out on last week’s performance due to her busted up foot, so she was in the basement by default.  MackZ was still having trouble getting that MackenzieBoo Monkey off her back and got scolded for being too silly.  And Nia had done good last week, but not MayaGood.

Middle Turf was held down by Kendall and Kamryn.

Side note:  I may need to rethink my ‘No Headband’ policy.  Nia and the KiaKamster were both rocking the head gear and I feel like I might be missing out on a trend.  If nothing else, shiny headbands seem to distract your eye from any snarky smirks on a new ALDC dancer’s face when she swipes a solo from a veteran ALDC dancer.

Almost, I mean.

(Oh, yeah.  I saw that, Kamryn.  I saw that smile.)

But we love Kamryn.  Especially since I know that she’s smart enough to hack into this website and find out where I live.

And Maddie was on top.  Even though she didn’t dance last week.

Honestly, I can’t even remember if she was there last week.  I know I saw her on my TV, but I have no clue if it was Dance Moms, Dancing With The StarsThe Tonight Show, The Ellen Show, The Wendy Williams Show or that Larry King thing nobody can seem to find on cable or the internet.

Wait.  Larry King.  What about headbands AND suspenders?  Thirty seconds ago I’m behind the curve and now I’m already ahead of a trend.  Score.j1

This week, aside from prepping for Nationals (..because, you know…they’re here…) the Maddie and MackZ Publicity Train would be pulling into the Hollywood and Highland Complex with a promotional sumthin sumthin that involved DJs, cameras, crowd control and a pink table that got me all excited because I thought they might be selling Girl Scout cookies.

Abby was gonna pimp the bejeebers out of these girls while they were all in California.

The.  Bejeebers.

At Nationals, the Old Team would be performing a group routine entitled ‘Amber Alert’ while the New Team would stick to a more traditional ‘Hollywood Stars’ kinda thing.

Kendall, Chloe and Kamryn all scored solos.  There were cheers and headband smirks all around the room.  Holly and Nia made some solid arguments concerning seniority and loyalty when it comes to handing out solos, but Abby wasn’t having it right now.

(I hope that Doctorate program is available at Community Colleges, because unless Lifetime starts coughing up coins for this blog, I’ll never be able to afford Harvard.)

Side note:  I love how Christi always carries around doctor’s notes and a full set of x-rays like she’s on-call at Shriner’s Hospital.  She cracks me up.

No solo for Maddie this week, which she and Mom Melissa took with just a shrug and a whatevah.  Hmmm.  Hold that thought till next week, because right now Maddie was off to see Jimmy Kimmel and do the weather report on the Today Show.  Latah, suckahs.


Oh.  BTW.  This fall, Abby will be opening her first west coast studio:  ALDCLA.

Did I forget that part?  It’s kind of a big deal.

I guess I was distracted by that gigantic red box with no postage or address label that somehow just got delivered to Abby.  Granted, the “Bite Me. Cathy.” was a pretty good clue as to who sent the thing over, but still.

And then Jeanette and Ava showed up.

Srsly?  How many things were in the back of that delivery truck, anyway?  I though you weren’t supposed to put real people back there unless they’re being kidnapped?  How else would those two even know where to go?  Did Jeanette really figure out Abby’s exact location in the state of California yet not realize that Ava hasn’t gotten an ALDC check for the last two weeks?  Maybe she picked up the metal in Kamryn’s headband on some kind of crazy Dance Mom Radar or something.  I didn’t ask.

After stripping Ava of her ALDC track jacket (…thankfully allowing her to keep her ALDC sports bra since this is/was a family show…) Abby kicked them both off the team for the 17th time and they were gone in under 45 seconds.

That was one expensive flight to LA, sistah.  F’realz.

As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms all wandered aimlessly looking for their missing MomPerch, we scooted over to some building that had ‘Nappy’ in part of the logo to see what the Candy Apples were up to.

Answer:  No Good.

Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Evil Dance Lair had once again spun their Magic Revolving Door Of Choreographers and this week it spit out another new face.

Chehon Wespi-Tschopp from So You Think You Can Dance!


He won his season!  Good for him.  And I just have to type his last name and not actually say it out loud.  Really good for me!  And he’s cute.  Cathy likes to bring the cute.

She also brought along a bootleg cassette tape of Sia‘s song Chandelier (…yeah…the one from Jimmy Kimmel…der…) and was going to use it as the music for the CADC group number.

Oooh, gurl.  You nasty.

Back at the non-Nappy studio, the Moms couldn’t take the suspense any longer and tore into that mystery box from Cathy only to find one of those bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandeliers (…packed with no bubble wrap, whaa-?…) that had some of the votives replaced with red apples.

(Seriously.  If I have to break this one down for you…just…just go.)

There was also a lot of MamaDrama about Maddie receiving a top secret private rehearsal that was somehow caught on security camera footage.  A private rehearsal caught on camera for a solo that she wasn’t even doing at Nationals.  Hmmm.

Then Cathy showed up to hand deliver the bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…seriously…figure it out…it’s code for something…) directly to Abby, who was eating a banana at the time.  Apparently she color coordinates her food with her plastic accessories now.  I was not aware.

We’re certainly getting a lot of fashion scoops this week, aren’t we?

After a few requisite monkey jokes, Cathy pointed out that Christi looked like a giant booger and then wished everyone a pleasant afternoon.sch

Wait.  What?

Next thing you know, the same bronzed metal Pottery Barn chandelier with the red apples (…last hint…) got dragged around the building one more time by nosey Christ-y with a ‘Y’ which for some reason made little Sarah burst into tears.  That’s kind of her thing lately.

Tami tried to console her while Abby and Christ-y screeched at each other, but the combination of non-stop high pitched yelling and a stranger in booty shorts stroking her head made Sarah completely lose her nutty.  Again.

Eventually, even tiny Sarah realized that she had been living the movie Groundhog Day for the last six months and that it was probably time to go.  And then they were gone.


Side note:  Did anyone else see how fast Kendall turned and walked in the opposite direction when she stumbled on Jill (…straw hat…love…) and the rest of the Moms grilling Gia about all of Abby’s sketchiness?  In the background?  When she walked by and then saw what was going on and took off so fast that she left skid marks on the floor like she was doing donuts in a Kmart parking lot?

Peace out.  I keep telling you…them Vertes Girls are smart ones, y’all.

Finally, it was Hollywood and Highland time!

And it was a mob scene.  Screaming kids and wannabe Dance Moms everywhere.  And it was all emceed by Hip-Hopper E-Baby from the Penn Point Dance Academy.


Not gonna lie.  At first I thought Abby introduced him as being from West Point and I thought, my…how progressive our military has become.

Don’t Tap.  Don’t Tell.

He showcased his hip hop kids and then accepted Abby’s impromptu offer to teach at the new ALDCLA.

And then the Candy Apples showed up, strutting across the mall catwalk and getting all Ohio gangstah on the crowd until E-Baby challenged everyone to a Dance-Off.

Cuz that’s how Lifetime do, yo.  Dance-Offs.

Except for Abby, who doesn’t actually dance…because, you know.  She just stood off to the side of the stage, backing dat thang up while Cathy kinda shimmied like the Mother of the Bride.  Cathy was carrying around an apple-shaped clock that would have been much more visually effective if she had worn it on a giant neck chain like Flava Flav.

Beef Jerky Boyeeeeee!

And the rest of the Moms?  Well they just got jiggy wid it.

Go, Jill.  Go, Jill.

(Props to Holly, too.  Ever since that whole Toddy Rockstar music video thing she’s a little bit of a freak at the PTA meetings.)

Each ALDC kid smacked down on a CADC kid.  And then they went group vs. group.

But all that really matters are two takeaways from the whole thing.

One…that little McKenzie Morales kid is spunky.  Clearly created in a lab using DNA scraped from the inside of Asia Monet Ray‘s sippy cup, McKenzie slapped all those other girls back into yesterday.h2

Booyeah.  It ain’t just salsa in that bottle, lemme tell you.

And two…Sasha Nia.

What the what?  Where did all that sass come from, girlfriend?

Off.  The.  Hook.

Even Mom was all like Dat’sMyBabyGettingAllKrunkUpThere!WhoKnew!

Nia was on fiyah.  Fi.  Yah.  Splits and Death Drops and Is That All You Gots? all over the stage.  She even whipped her weave right in some poor kid’s face until he cried.

Right in the kid’s face.  I swear.  Like they do on Bring It!

I was up off the couch snatching my own weave she got so thug.

Side note:  If you don’t watch Bring It! you won’t understand the Awesomeness That Was Nia.  That…and we can’t be friends.  Ever.

Asia: The Sequel won the solo competition, but the ALDC took the group improv title.

Beat ’em on stage.  Beat ’em in the street.  In yo’ face, Candy Apples.

Luckily, before it escalated into an actual street battle, everyone headed back to their hotel rooms for some sleep.

Because…you know.

It’s Nationals, baby.

Time to focus.


Dance Moms: Time To Bring Down The Lights And Break Up The Fights. It’s The Annual ALDC Dance Concert.

Thursday, September 25th, 2014




Haters gonna hate. Once I steal that big ol’ diamond, I’m set for life with these sparkly headbands.






I swear if you don’t let it go and stop wearing animal prints, I’m gonna have a stroke.







Wait. What?




Let It Go




You heard me.







Check it out, bro. The blonde one gave me 20 bucks and Kelly Hyland’s phone number.






No lie. I swear she opened her mouth and Pinnocchio jumped out just like in the cartoon.






Just wondering why someone’s all up in my personal space while I’m getting my hair did, that’s all.




Ladies and Gentlemen.

Please take your seats.  The show is about to begin.

For tonight’s sold-out performance of the All-Dancing, All-Singing, All-Screaming Annual ALDC Dance Concert we ask that you refrain from bringing food and beverages into the auditorium.  Realizing of course, that if there was ever a Dance Moms week when you needed a stiff drink it’s this one, you are more than welcome to slam it hard in the lobby and one of our ushers will do their best to get you back to your seat in one piece.

So if you’re ready…Light the Lights.  Fight the Fights.

On with the Show, this is it.

That’s right.  It was Dance Concert Week down at the ALDC.  One last opportunity to try and recall all the dances you learned in under 48 hours this season and prove that you deserve a spot at Nationals.  Because…you know…I hear that Nationals are coming.

But not before the Pyramid of Shame, they’re not.

As Abby Lee Miller got down to business, it was clear that she was changing up the game one more time.  I’m starting to think that she likes doing that.

First clue: Kamryn Beck was back in the dancer lineup!

America’s favorite overachiever (…rockin’ one of her signature Olivia Newton-John Let’s Get Physical headbands, of course…) had returned and was patiently awaiting this week’s assignments while doing polynomial long division in her head to kill time.


Second clue:  Christ-y (…with a very loud ‘Y’…) was also in the studio.  Again.

Seriously.  How does this lady keep getting back in the building?  Abby tosses her out every week and then as soon as the opening credits finish rolling seven days later…there she is again with sunglasses on her head just looking for a rumble.

Remember the beginning of The Flintstone’s cartoon when Fred throws the saber tooth tiger out the front door for the night and it jumps right back in through the window?

I swear it’s like that with this woman.

Except for maybe the actual jumping through the window part.  I’m thinking that it’s probably more of a clunky, hoisting-up type of maneuver that involves standing on milk crates or tiny Sarah‘s jiggly bow head right before one last running push.

But you get the idea.

Never say never, though.  Stranger things have probably happened in the maternal pursuit of The Dance.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved for Chloe and MackZ.  Chloe had missed a day of rehearsals for a scheduled MRI on that mystery foot ailment and MackZ had momentarily reverted back to the old MackenzieBoo Cutie Patootie Days during the group dance and forgotten to look up at the audience the entire time.

Kendall and Maddie made up the Pyramid Mezzanine.  Kendall had let another teammate beat her in the competition (…because apparently there’s something in the rules now that no longer allows everyone to get First Place at the same time anymore…) and Maddie, as awesome as Abby keeps saying she is…just wasn’t Nia.

Because Nia was on top!!!  #InternationalYearOfTheNia.  Hashtag that, yo.

Maya Oh Maya!!  It was Nia!!  And the crowd went wild.

(Insert Proud HollyFace here: ____________________.)

h1 2

Clearly, that’s not one of them.  But it’s a funny one.

Whatchoo talkin’ ’bout Willis?  We totally heart Dr. Beyoncé.

This week, on top of  rehashing all the old routines, the girls would also be performing a new group number called “The Heist.”  I love when everyone oohs and aahs and applauds right away even though they have no idea what the routine involves yet.

Because they did that again.  Oooh.  Heist.

This year, the Dance Concert would be a tribute to Abby’s Mom, Maryen Lorraine Miller.

(Insert Sad Flashbacks here: ____________________.)

Because that’s what they did.  And they were.  We miss you, Mrs. Miller.

Since this was all part of the Road to YouKnowWhat, each girl would also be performing a 45 second solo of their choosing at the concert, that would most likely determine their fate at Nationals.

I know, right?  45 seconds?  No pressure there whatsoever .

But Abby didn’t want to see the dances until the actual performance.  That way she could snark on all the girls without having any preconceived notions of what needed improvement.

Did I forget to mention that little Sarah was standing off to the side, at the maximum allowed separated distance of 2 feet from her Mom, while all this was going on?  Because she was.  And you could tell that she was already having trouble taking full breaths.

I feel so bad for that little peanut.  I was kind of hoping she would just cry and get it over with early, but that never happened.

As the girls all got down to rehearsing their individual and group routines, Christi tossed something to Chloe right before she left the studio.  Did you see that?  Right at her like it was batting practice or something.

What was that?  Car keys?  (She’s not old enough to drive yet, right?)  Cell phone?


With all the grief that poor kid takes for her bum foot and sleepy eye, the last thing she needs is someone throwing things at her head.  Seriously.

We love you just the way you are, Chloebird.

Up in the MomPerch, the whole suspiciously smelly controversy surrounding whether or not Abby had tried to sabotage Chloe’s mid-season win against Kamryn all came back up the pipes again.  And it still stunk.

Word on the street was that Abby had tried to take away Chloe’s win with the judges and Christi wanted to get to the bottom of the rumor right now while Jodi was outnumbered by all those Original Recipe Backup Moms blocking the exit.

Luckily, Christi just happened to have one of the judge’s phone numbers in her iPhone Contact List.  Because, of course she did.

His name was Francisco.  Like the city, of course.

And he picked up on the first ring.  Exactly like no one ever does.

(Raise your hands if you wondered why Christi didn’t just call San Fran the morning after the original competition instead of waiting however long it has been to hit him up on his Sidekick.  Anyone?  Don’t be shy.  We’re all friends here…)

Francisco was all like OhHeyGurl! when he finally answered and all the Moms seemed to know who he was as they all holla’d back at their boy on speaker.

He admitted that a little sumthin sumthin may have gone on between Abby and the judges after the win, which got Jodi a slightly flustered and made Christi start contemplating revenge like she was one of those mean girls on the ABC Family channel.

Christi decided that The Best Revenge is Success.

Ok.  It’s a family show.  We’ll go with that one for now.

Side note:  My MomCrush Jill going “How ’bout dat?” made me smile.  In my head I made it sound more gangstah than it really was because I like Bad Girls.dt

Then it was time to watch a big, powerful sea creature wax some ManCandy chests before going butt up in a dunking tank.  You might want to send the kids out of the room for this one, because it can’t be unseen.

To give the girls a break from all the pre-show stress and let them blow off some steam, Abby had selected a few samples from her seemingly endless deli case of fresh BoyToy meat to assist her with one of those State Fair dunking tanks.

Dave and Rich were their names.  Two shirtless choice cuts of sirloin with all the fat trimmed off who seemed pretty adept at taking dolla dolla bills, yo, from housewives in the middle of the afternoon.

Unfortunately, the girls all pitch dunking baseballs like they dance hip hop, so in the end they had to bum rush the tank as a group in order to trigger the splash knob and send Abby into the water head first.  And upside down.  And booty, booty e’rrywhere.

Side note:  Christi was kinda digging the one in the black board shorts.  You could tell.  I’m betting somebody added a few more digits to their Contact List.

After everyone uprighted Abby from the beach sand and pushed her back to the safety of the ocean (…hey, Kendall said it…not me…) it was time for Tech Rehearsal at the Dance Concert venue.

The short version:  Chloe’s foot was getting worse.  It was swollen and hard to cover up when she was wearing a rubber.  Again…her words, not mine.

Moving on.  Quickly.

Christi was determined that Chloe dance at Nationals this year, since Mom was pretty much responsible for them both getting kicked out of N’awlins last year after her infamous Slurpee Fight with Leslie Ackerman.

You remember that one, right?  They called it the Big Easy Brawl.

(Insert Classic New Orleans Cage Match Flashback here: ____________________.)cr

Special shoutout to my boy Backwards Hat Guy who risked it all to throw himself into the middle of that pig pile between Christi and Leslie.  Dude.  Was.  Fear.  Less.

The next day, Chloe’s foot was now in a walking cast, because I guess overnight she had developed some kind of buckle fracture something or other that nobody seemed to have noticed until the MRI.  But I’m not a doctor.  Nor do I play one on TV.

Speaking of, though.  On General Hospital they give you MRI results while you’re still standing there covered in your own blood from a Mob shootout, but I guess in the Dance World you actually have to wait a day or two for somebody to figure out that your toes need to be taped together for a week.

And right before Nationals?  What a drag.

Jodi also told Christi she was acting like an idiot in the middle of yet another argument.  I should probably mention that part.  And the part where Christi volleyed back with how Jodi was nothing but filth on the bottom of a shoe?  That’s probably important, too.

Ooooh, Girl.  Smack Talk in da Perch.

With two days to go before the Concert, Abby showed up in a full head of curlers.  For some reason, she chose to do that a lot for the rest of the episode.  And they weren’t just curlers.  They were the big kind of curlers like your Grandma used to leave in all day.

And a quick run thru, Abby did the math and cut Sarah from the group routine because she was making the dance all lopsided now that Chloe had been sidelined.

Wait for it.  Wait for it.

Meltdown in 3…2…1…

Boom.  Christ-y went bonkers.

Sarah cried.  A lot.  Just like the last time she was on the show.  And the time before

Sarah wanted to go home.  Mom wanted her to suck it up, get a drink of water and go back inside the studio to face Abby.  She was relentless.  In between hyperventilating and hiccup crying, poor Sarah literally belted out the entire Frozen soundtrack as she kept begging her Mom to Let It Go….Let It Go…Let It Go.  It was like walking down the aisle at Toys ‘R’ Us when one of the talking Elsa dolls has her push button crystal gem necklace jammed and won’t stop singing no matter how hard you shake it.

Truth:  If you mute your TV screen and turn up the volume on your iPod, Sarah’s mouth actually moves in sync with Idina Menzel‘s singing no matter where you start the track.

I swear.  Try it.

Then more screaming.  And more crying.  I don’t even remember what they ended up doing.  I think they finally left the building, but I’m not sure.  All I really remember is that Sarah wasn’t the only one of us who needed a drink when it was over.

So much screaming and crying, I tell you.  My nerves.  Oy vey.  Let It Go already.

On the final day of rehearsals, it became clear that Kamryn was now the lead in the group routine.  You can probably fill in the rest of the conversation on your own.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for more curlers!

And that one guy in the director’s booth who had his face blurred out the entire time.  Like they do on COPS when they raid a trailer park.  What’s a dude in the Witness Protection Program even doing working for the ALDC anyway?

The group routine went well.  The big fake diamond that Kamryn heisted was almost as sparkly as all the Moms in their fancy clothes.  They clean up nice.

Nia did a back tuck flip thang that I didn’t even know was called a back tuck until somebody tweeted it.  Whatever you call it, she nailed it like I don’t know what.

Hashtag Boom Boom Pow.

Chloe cried in the audience because she couldn’t dance with her friends, so that made me sad.  This really hasn’t been her

Side note:  Words of Wisdom from the Mouths of a few Babes.  Kendall pointed out to Maddie that these 45 second solos were probably not the Most Important Thing Ever in the history of their Entire Life Ever.  Dance Life, maybe.  But Ever Ever Life?  Not so much.  

Those Vertes girls are pretty smart.

By the time Nia finished explaining to everyone how Abby doesn’t even usually pick her dancers strictly on who has the actual best technique, it was clear that some of these girls are wise beyond their age.

Oh, yeah.  Nia sees what you’re doing there, Abby.  She sees.

Some of the girls nailed their solos.  Some had a few weeble wobbles.  But don’t worry.  Abby put all their weaknesses down on report cards before leaving to finally pop a few of those curlers out, which gave the Moms just enough time to go one more round over favoritism at the ALDC.

Abby’s written remarks made Nia cry, which made me sad.  I think I still had some left over sadness from Chloe crying, so Nia didn’t help my mood by getting her own feelings hurt.

But Christi came to the rescue with one of the best morale boosting Mother/Daughter pep talks ever.  Granted, she had the wrong daughter, but her heart was in the right place and she really made Nia and me feel better.  Huggies.

After a quick curtain call (…Nia’s shoes, tho.  Dang, girl…) everyone headed to the Memorial Dinner, where there was more crying.  And James Washington in a bow tie.

And now I just need to let it all go before Nationals.

Because…you know…they’re next week I heard.

See you there.


%d bloggers like this: