Posts Tagged ‘Honey Boo Boo Child Sister Anna (“Chickadee”)’

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: It’s The Countdown To Commitment. Big Girls Need Love…And Some Veggies…Too.

Sunday, August 18th, 2013

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Dat’s rite, haters. Big Girls wear lace-ups, sleep face up & take all your space up. Word to yo Mama.

 

 

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Eatin’ salads and veggies? Mr. Boo Boo Belly sez Ain’t Nobody Got Time For Dat. OhHellNo.

 

 

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Bitches can’t be this yummy without the Gummy. Honk if you love Big Girls, ‘kay?

 

 

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Whoa. Somebody better get on the horn and dial up the Commissioner, because something ain’t right down in that Batcave.

 

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Cabbage, ya nasty.

 

 

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Fried Food Force Field has been activated. Now none of that healthy stuff can ever harm us.

 

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Cuz I got so sick of everybody asking me about that damn baby’s thumbs that I just carry this stick around. That’s why.

 

 

 

Yowza.

Before we get started, let’s pause once again and give thanks that this was not another Watch ‘N Sniff episode.  Trust me on this one.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was back this week with even more redneckulous sensory overload, but luckily this time around we didn’t have to scratch along with People Magazine.

As a matter of fact, some of it we didn’t even get to see first hand and yet I still feel a little traumatized just from hearing about it.

Now you know I love me some Boo.  And all the Boos down in BooVille.  And I need to hang with all of them asap once I learn how to Doorknob on command.

(Safety.)

Love ’em.  I just don’t need to smell ’em every week, thank you very much.  I just don’t.

It was getting down to the wire for Mama June and Sugar Bear‘s non-wedding Commitment Ceremony, and the planning process was starting to stress out everyone involved.  Especially when it came to the guest list.

Always the extreme Coupon Queen, Mama was recycling old thank you notes and baby announcements into invitations for the upcoming ceremony.  It wasn’t really clear if that meant she was mailing unused Hallmarks from last Christmas or crossing out “thanks for the pawn shop blender” and regifting someone else’s actual handwritten note after scribbling over any personal stuff.  But either way it was going to be a long process.

Being legally blind certainly wasn’t speeding up the assembly line, either.  Nor were all of Mama’s wet Monster Sneeze seizures as she honked, wheezed and moistened every invite with enough microscopic tongue germs to get her put on that terrorist watch list for people who keep sending ricin envelopes to the White House.

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Cover your mouth, please.  I had to wipe down my screen twice.

Another big concern for the ceremony was facility-related.  As in…the facilities.

As in…where are 500+ people supposed to go when all those spicy wings and BBQ ribs finally kick in?  Casa Boo may pride itself on panoramic views of two converging train tracks and a room stocked with 475 rolls of Brawny paper towels, but it only comes with one bathroom.  Uno cuarto de baño.

And that probably ain’t good planning when you have half the tummy gurgling population of McIntyre, GA impatiently waiting in line to poo the loo redneck style.  So Mama needed to track down some porta-potties.  Stat.

Luckily, June knows her port-potties as she grilled Mr. Porta-Potty on the other end of the phone like they were at some kind of outdoor toilet trade show or something.

How tall are they?  How wide are they?  How many can you deliver?  Are they righties or lefties?  Has anyone ever drowned in one?  Do you do custom colors?

She even asked if there was a weight limit to the hole since the majority of her guests were going to arrive bearing both gifts and girth.

Yeah.  Just let that pants-around-your-ankle visual sink into your brain for a moment and then try to push one over the next time you’re at the County Fair.

Mama explained to those of us who are porta-potty challenged that the structure itself is basically just a 5 gallon bucket with a lid.  Good to know the next time I’m clutching an empty jumbo popcorn at the Multiplex and don’t want to miss any of the action.

Gross.  But thankfully, no Watch ‘N Sniff.

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Moving on to what I assumed would be lighter fare, Mama and the girls…and that little nugget of a baby…hit up the local bridal shop down at the Ingleside strip mall.  Even though it was not officially a wedding, the girls wanted June to have her once in a lifetime Say Yes To The Dress moment and try on a few gowns.  Just for laughs.

And scores.

Armed with what looked like a cross between Dancing With The Stars paddles and numerically ascending fly swatters, the four girls were set to judge each gown as Mama posed and scratched and broke into hives on the viewing platform.  Just like on the TLC show, but without the sassy ghetto bridesmaids going MmmHmmm and OhHellNo.

Little baby Kaitlyn did grab ahold of Chubb‘s hair so hard that I thought fo’ sho’ she was gonna yank out that bitch’s weave, so it was momentarily ghetto.  But not the real thing, unfortunately.

That extra thumb certainly gives you traction, though.  Damn, Girl.

Some other random woman was also there for all the hilarity, but I have no clue who she was or how she got to tag along, so I’m going to assume she won some contest and got to spend the whole day with the Boos just for “liking” them on Facebook or something.

I was totz jealz.

It should also be noted that Mama could save a lot of money on babysitting if she just sat Alana down in front of a mirror before she left for Bingo.  Seriously.  You put Honey Boo Boo Child in front of a mirror and you could leave the country for a week’s vacation and the girl would never know.  Werk that reflection, Girl.

The first dress scored a 2 on the paddle vote, mostly due to a lace-up back that made June look like a trussed up holiday ham served with a side of no underwear.

Yeah.  No undies.  None.  Which she inadvertently flashed to the viewing table as she lumbered off the platform.  After regaining her sight, Pumpkin pointed out to all of America that she had just seen her mother’s BatCave.

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Hey.  If you can sub-title this shiz, you can certainly scroll some kind of warning across the bottom of the screen before exposing all of Gotham City’s secrets.  There’s a reason they never wanted The Joker to see it.  He’s already gone insane once.

Thanks to TLC, I can no longer stick my head inside a jumbo popcorn pail or watch Adam West slide down a pole and disappear into the darkness without trippin’.

That’s two things you’ve already ruined this week.

The second gown was supposed to make Mama look like Kate Middleton and scored a low ball 3, only because the numbers didn’t go any higher.  Not good.

Finally, the last gown came in with a top score, but it was still too fluffy and too prissy and too virginally white.  So no dress was chosen after all that, and the only things that really came out of the whole afternoon together was a lifetime of memories and at least one week before Kaitlyn and I would be able to blink again.

Back home,  it was becoming clear that nobody was going to fit into any dress if they all continued their current dietary habits.

As the girls traded greasy hot fries, chips and gummy worms back and forth with the kind of speed and expertise that up until now had only been seen on CNN’s early morning stock exchange reports, Mama realized that it might be time to sneak some vegetables into their eating routine.

She even went so far as to actually buy some vegetables.  And cut them up for soup.

I know, right?  Craziness.

And again, thank you for no Watch ‘N Sniff as Mama whipped up a crock of cabbage soup.  The girls were horrified that anything healthy had been allowed to cross the threshold of Casa Boo and refused to participate in something that might actually be good for them.

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Especially if it smelled like butt.

Butt inside of wet gym shorts, that is.  That butt.

Needless to say, the laboratory experiment went completely awry and had to be cut short when Pumpkin spit the soup back out and Mama moved faster than I’d ever seen her move towards the indoor potty to recycle some cabbage.

We’re going to have to rethink this whole vegetable thing.

After dance class, of course.

That’s right.  Dance class.

A class that teaches you how to dance.

Mama and Shugie were going to learn how to dance.  Or at least Sugar Bear was going to learn, because June claimed to already know how to bust a move or two.

Newsflash:  Big girls got rhythm.  Just ask any gay guy.

Before hitting up the studio, Mama even demonstrated those mad dancing skills in the living room.  Or at least I think that’s what all that was about as she and Shugie spanked and motorboated in a circle while Alana threw up gangsta deuce fingers.

Dolla Still Make Me Holla At You.

At the studio it was clear that June’s trust issues were second only to Sugar Bear’s awesomely awful T-Rex shuffle.  Evidently, they don’t have a lot of the old Chalk Miner socials down at the Elks Lodge anymore.

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If you’ve ever watched Young Frankenstein, let me just say “Putting on the Ritz.”

If you’ve never watched it, you need to.

Or at least Google it.

And then imagine the monster with a top hat, bum pancreas and juicy dip stuck in his teeth.  That’s our Shugie.

But don’t worry, dude.  People will remember your good heart, not the fact that you dance like you’re waiting for novocaine to wear off.

As the Commitment Ceremony crept closer, Sugar Bear still wasn’t feeling the rhythm or any sense of urgency.  None.

And it was starting to drive Mama completely NutWad.

The back yard was a mess.  The front yard was a mess and needed to be picked up and mowed before it got completely recovered in porta-potties.

Plus there was trash everywhere.  And broken down redneck stuff all over the place.

The Christmas icicle lights could probably stay on the gutters, but all the other crap had to go.  Now.

Or maybe later, after a quick nap.

Dang.  Who knew dancing was such hard work?

And the countdown continues…

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Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Will The Runaway Bride Please Report To The Party Before Alana Eats All The Pizza?

Sunday, August 11th, 2013

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Lawd. Dippin’ and Doorknobbin’ can really take it out of you. I’m almost too pooped to toot… Almost. Pthhhpptt.

 

 

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I should probably carbo load before the Big Day. And pepperoni loading couldn’t hurt, either.

 

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What a rip. I only agreed to this cuz I thought the padded bra cutlets were gonna be made of real chicken meat.

 

 

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I would totally be a Runaway Bride if it didn’t have the word ‘Running’ in it. Dang.

 

 

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Oh, yeah. Smoochie still got it goin’ on.

 

 

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The Kuntry Stoe Kardashians call it a Redneck Facial. Don’t be hatin’…

 

 

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Basically, I’m just trying to fit in with all the hungry white women and not lose a finger at the buffet table. Oh Mi Dios.

 

 

 

 

Just say Yes to the dress.

And No to that third helping of Buffalo Wings, if you know what I mean.

The countdown to the highly anticipated Royal Redneck Almost-Wedding has begun, and this week on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo everyone was either sweating it out or shoveling it down in preparation for the Big Day.

With Sugar Bear still recuperating from his pancreatitis scare, Mama June had spent the last few weeks shuttling back and forth between Casa Boo and the hospital, which was causing her to fall behind in both household chores and Commitment Ceremony planning.  Which in layman’s terms meant that she barely had enough time to pick out food from a menu, much less up off the living floor.

And that needed to change asap.

Luckily, Jessica had stepped up to the (…paper…) plate and offered to help keep the household running like a well oiled linoleum Slip ‘N Slide.

Taking on the role of Mini-Mama, Chubbs made certain the the house stayed in as close to one piece as possible, even if that meant hosing off Alana‘s shampoo-covered head in the same kitchen sink where they peeled potatoes and rinsed out Nugget the Chicken‘s sketti pot after her nap.

(Seriously.  A damn chicken.  In the house.  On the oven.  In a pot.  I just can’t.)

And we all know that when you gotta get stuff done quickly and get back to the couch for more cheesy snacks, it’s all about the multi-tasking.  So if someone lays an egg on the counter in the middle of Shampoo Night, I wouldn’t worry about it too much.  Just keep on keepin’ on, Girlfriend.

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Heck…some of them fancy pants strip mall salons across town probably charge extra for that treatment and your house pet just pooped it out for free on the same cutting board you use for sausage links.

From what I recall the few times I’ve glanced at Toddlers & Tiaras, I believe you score extra points from the pageant judge when your hair is super big and shiny, anyway.  So no matter what chaos takes place in that kitchen,  I’d say it’s a win-win all around.

After rinsing all the blue ‘poo bubbles and chicken fuzz from her hair, Alana got right to mopping down the kitchen with one of those twisty fabric strip mops that the crazy State Fair guy with the headset mic is always selling in the ShamWow! booth.

But wait.  There’s more!

Say what you will about Honey Boo Boo Child.  You can’t say she ain’t thorough when it comes to her domestic responsibilities.

Boo mopped the floor.  The stove.  The kitchen counters.  The outside of the refrigerator.  The inside of the refrigerator.  The food in the refrigerator.

You heard me.  Even the food.

Who knew?  I don’t recall the ShamWow! Guy ever showing me how easy it was to slop a dirty floor mop all over my cold cuts and milk cartons, thus speeding up not only the cleaning process but also the amount of time it takes for botulism to fully incubate on my Kraft cheese slices.

I’ve wasted so much time and money waiting for food to go bad all these years.

While Alana was busy infecting the household food supply, Mama was still back at the hospital with Sugar Bear, kanoodling and doorknobbing as they plotted his release.

The poor little guy looked so tired and just wanted to go home.

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Sugar Bear missed his family.  A lot.  And no doubt also his mouthful of tobacco drool, because I’m pretty sure that hospital jello can’t compare to a wad of dip in your cheek.

But mostly he missed the girls and his big June Bug, and just wanted to be back home declaring his love for them all out of every open window.  Extra loud, of course, so everyone could hear it over the sound of that train skimming the side of the garage every fifteen minutes.  Can you even imagine?

With the doctor’s blessing, Mama packed up all his Firehouse Sub t-shirts and it was finally time to go home and begin the healing process.

And to pick out dresses for the Commitment Ceremony!

I know, right?  Pumpkin in a dress.  Shut.  Up.

Now I don’t know what kind of fashion store GG Formals was supposed to be, but it looked like that first scene after Dorothy crash landed in Oz and she walked out of her house and almost went blind.

No.  We’re not talking stuffy formal wear and prissy gowns.

We’re talking My Great Gypsy Redneck Hello Kitty Circus Pageant Rainbow Wedding.

On acid.

And can we talk dress code, while we’re at it?  What kind of formal shop has their employees wear aprons?  Like the kind they wear on that Cupcake show.

And who knew that Pumpkin was actually a girl?  Did you?  I totally would have lost that bet when she came out of the dressing room all awkward girly boob and smelly feet.

And how much do you think they had to pay that employee to stand inside the fitting room spraying it down with a can of Bowling Shoe Squirt?

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Yup.  Pumpkin proudly comparing her warm mismatched StinkFeet to soft brie followed by a moment of reflective self-doorknobbing pretty much did me in for this week.

I’m done.  Can we go now?

I love this show.

While that cute little baby with the three thumbs rolled all around the floor like she was watching CrazyTown cartoons (…I mean…c’mon.  How cute is that baby?…) the three big girls all paraded in and out of the fitting rooms in a veritable PopArt splash of I don’t know what.

There was seriously so much glitter and feathers and rhinestones and sequins ricocheting around the room that it appeared to send Alana into some kind of Go-Go Juice flashback that required her to physically support herself on the mirror with two hands until she stopped pageant trippin’.

Work it out, Smoochie.  Work it out.

After finally agreeing on dresses that didn’t make the fat girls look so fat (…their words, not mine…) everyone headed home to show some more love and jump on Sugar Bear’s tender pancreas.

But it wouldn’t be an episode of Boo Boo if there wasn’t some eating involved.  So bring on the pizza.  And the wings.  And more pizza.  And more wings.

And then maybe even tiramisu, which made no sense whatsoever.

That’s right.  June’s Almost-Wedding Bridal Shower was in full gear!

But we got the presents as an endless parade of friends and relatives streamed into Amici’s Restaurant.  Let’s just say that if there really is a God of Reality TV, at least ten of them will have their own TLC show by the time the 2014 season lineup is revealed.

Starting with June’s sister Doe Doe.

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Like the bird, I guess.  Or two baby deer, maybe.  I dunno.

Nice and smiley and super friendly.

And dating José, who pretty much gave me a reason to live again.  Love.  Him.

This guy was so politically incorrect that in his two fleeting minutes on camera he probably single handedly set the Justice for Janitors campaign back about 20 years.

He giggled about how the day he met Doe Doe (…in a Home Depot parking lot?…) she called him a Border Jumper and then asked him to go dancing at the Ramada.

Or something.

Full disclosure:  I was so mesmerized by señor José that I may be making some of this up.  Can I even say Border Jumper without getting my site shut down?

Then he showed June his dancing skills right there at the pizza table, which kind of looked like he was using two mops at one time but I couldn’t be certain.  It was sort of like the Windshield Wiper move they used to do on MTV mixed with someone getting ready to tag a dumpster with two Krylon spray cans.  I need to party with this guy asap.

Then he explained that he was the only male in the entire joint and that he was working hard at fitting in with all the White Women.

And then my head exploded and I woke up during a Geico commercial.

(Anybody know what day it is?  Mike Mike Mike Mike…)

Shut the front door.  And the border, por favor.

Seriously.  Paula Deen can’t sell ham on QVC anymore but this dude just called out an entire room full of rednecks.  Only in America.

Vote for José

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Aside from the hilarity surrounding José and his mad dancing skills, there was also the usual sloppy eating and food fights as Pumpkin shoved tiramisu into Mama’s face and Alana inhaled everything she could fit on her plate.

Another friend Vicki skipped her appointment at the salon for a root touch-up and came straight to the party to show support for June.  Not sure what was going on with her hair, but she was a good friend to make an appearance even though she predicted that June would bolt and not go through with the ceremony.

In a touching final moment, we got to see a side of Mama June that she works hard to hide.  The softer side.

While trying to thank everyone for showing up, June got all choked up and then lost her nutty in a sobbing meltdown.  After only seeing her pass gas and Monster Sneeze and do her jiggly Pageant Mom dance behind the judges all these years, it was nice to see Mama just be Mama.

Because it is what it is.

Mama loves her Man.  And her Family.  And her Friends.  And her Food.

Pretty much in that order.

And when you can have them all together?  All at once?

Even better.

So once José cleaned the place up, one more thing could be checked off The List.

All that was left this week was to go home, tuck in the kids, find a good doorknob and burn off some of that pizza.

Safety.

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Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Grab A Doorknob & Plan A Redneck Wedding. Chubby Chasers Need Love Too, Y’all.

Saturday, August 3rd, 2013

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OMG. Why didn’t we think of this before? The Honky Booty workout video with bonus Toot & Scoot dance moves DVD!

 

 

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Do you mind if we discuss this later? I’ve got fat in my eye.

 

 

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Proof that even Cupid buys in bulk. True Love now comes in industrial sized containers.

 

 

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I don’t think it’s really necessary to drive-thru Burger King 14 times. I’m pretty sure you got that left turn down.

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This rubber thing tones my arm flab and doubles as a pretty sweet cheese ball slingshot.

 

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Boo Boo got back.

 

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No lie. Then they ate the damn food right off the display. White People are cray, Yo.

 

 

 

 

Now where were we?

Oh, wait.  I remember.

Love…and that strange pollen-looking fuzz that’s always stuck on their clothing…was in the air over at Casa Boo Boo.

When we last saw the Dynamic Duo, Mama June and Sugar Bear were in the kitchen getting all kinds of Romantical on each other, surrounded by a veritable potpourri of waxy Dollar Store scents, a chicken that was finally in his damn cage and one of those shiny golden plastic eggs that the fancy pantihose comes in over at Walgreen’s.

Yup.  It was Proposal Day on Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

After 9 years of playing house, Sugar Bear had washed his hair and put on his funeral shirt in order to properly pop the question in the hopes that June would finally overcome her fear of the “M” Word.

Marriage, that is.  Not Macaroni.  Girlfriend definitely ain’t scared of her sketti.

With all the Boos peeking around every corner, Mama squirmed and blushed and left the room and flushed and then came back with her final answer.  Sorta.

Since patience and table manners are slim to none in the Boo household, the girls couldn’t stand the suspense any longer and crashed the party right as Mama was about to break Sugie’s heart with a flat out ‘thanks, but no thanks’ and convinced her that a Commitment Ceremony was the next best thing to making it legal.

That didn’t sound so scary.  And that way, Sugar Bear could still be one step closer to the “M” Word without Mama having to lose her nutty in front of God and TLC.

Done.  Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner.  Fried, of course.

And shoveled down in front of that live chicken who just sat there in its cage watching in horror.  I don’t know if chickens actually blink or not, but if they do…that one didn’t.

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There was also some better-than-sex back scratching to consummate the meal as Sugar worked his way up and down June’s beautimousity like a true playa.

Mama likes that shiz.  If you’re gonna Love, wear the Glove.  Or a Mitten, I guess.

All this non-wedding talk had made June and Sugar Bear a little sentimental about the good o’ days, so next we all gathered around the table for a trip down Memory Lane, courtesy of a few photo albums and a whole lot of TMI.

We saw Sugar Bear as a cub in a couple of his baby pictures and numerous vintage shots from the June B.C. era (…Before Calories…) back when she was a looker and cruised the dial-up internet for pieces of a**.

Yeah.  That’s how they met.  We’ll just save that one until the kids go to bed.

At 9 years and still going strong, Sugar Bear is Mama’s second longest relationship.  Or so she said.  Except that he’s actually the longest relationship.  But the second one if you count the first one that was with another dude that only lasted for 5 years.  The first longest with the second guy.  So the second longest even though most countries consider 9 to be a larger number than 5.  Or something.

Seriously.  If Mama couldn’t even figure it out, don’t look at me.

I tell you.  Math…and Exercise…are hard.

And speaking of…

Mama and Lauryn (…aka “Pumpkin“…) had decided that it might be in their best interest to shed a few pounds before the ceremony, so needless to say, it was right about now that the hilarity began to ensue.

Pumpkin had gained quite a bit of weight over the past 24 hours (…srsly…every time I see her, I swear…) and she was no longer fitting in with all the other bitches at McIntyre’s School For Skinny Girls.  So clearly it was time to do one sit-up and then buy some equipment at Sports Authority.

Mama was even willing to cut the household soda supply pipeline if it would help, but Pumpkin felt that might be a little extreme.  Let’s just start with that one sit-up.

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As Pumpkin helped raise June up from the carpet using the same technique I saw somebody use to lift a horse from a sinkhole on the Discovery channel, it was clear they had a long way to go.  But we love this crazy family, so more power to ’em.

Feel the burn, girls.

While Mama and June were practicing their balancing act, Sugar Bear had been flipping channels and saw on Say Yes To The Dress how important a Wedding Planner was to the entire process.

So it was off to meet with Brandi Walker Maddox and her mute assistant Linh.

Forever Fabulous was their name.

Wedding Planning…and being sassy…was their game.

You know I loved Brandi.  With her Ann Taylor blazer and Dance Moms braces, I’m going to assume she’s the only wedding planner in McIntyre.  Which explains why she didn’t even feel the need to excuse herself whenever she thought she was going to laugh at June and all of June’s crazy budgetary and dietary restrictions.

She just laughed that kind of slurpy, wet laugh you laugh when you first get braces and flat out told June she was dreaming if she thought she could feed 60 people for $1500 and not come down the aisle naked.

Girrrl, pleez.  You so crazy.  OhHellNo.  Jelly Beans are naaasty.  But I do love me those Gummy Worms.  MmmMmm.

Linh just kind of sat there motionless.  I think she may have actually been a ventriloquist puppet for Brandi’s side job, because if they laugh every client out of the building I can’t believe they are pulling in much profit.

At least Mama and Sugie thought to completely obliterate the food sample table before they left and headed home to turn their ceremony into an extreme couponing DIY event.

$10,000?  I don’t think so.  I’ll take that cheese, though.  Peace out.

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Back home, it was time to start working off some of those Wedding Planner snacks, so Mama set up five circuit stations like they show on them infomercials complete with weights, rubber tubes and giant bouncy balls.

Lots of balls, actually.  And nobody could stop saying it.  Balls.  Balls.  Balls.  Like they were all in 5th grade PE class getting hit in the junk on Dodge Ball Day.

Let’s just say it was a hot mess and move on.

Beyond the beautimous body, June explained that it was also important to work the facial muscles so they remained firm and toned for those days when you need to put some paint on that barn.

RuPaul would have been so proud, because she was totally giving Face.

Play-Doh Face.

Taking a break from the ceremonial planning, Jessica and Anna were making attempt #463 at completing their Learner’s Permit test.  Having failed 462 times, they were determined to get it done this time around.

Unfortunately, only Chubbs passed, leaving Chickadee in her dust as she jerked and squealed out of the driveway with Sugar Bear strapped and trapped inside her uncle’s car.

Uncle Poodle.  Dude.  That is such an un-gay car.  What are you thinking?

(Spoiler Alert:  Without actually having access to any medical records, I would hazard a guess that inching along the highway towards a potentially flammable factory smokestack with Jessica behind the wheel may have helped put unnecessary stress on Sugar Bear’s heart.  Just thinking out loud.)

Once everybody made it home with all their limbs intact, it was back to the planning process.

Or it would have been, if the new craze that’s sweeping the nation hadn’t reared its ugly…umm, rear…in the midst of the discussions.

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Move over Monopoly…cuz you just got Doorknobbed, Bitch.

Doorknob!  The game that combines screaming, unintentional exercise and thunderous flatulence into one hilarious pig pile of players all suffering from a low tolerance to dairy.

It’s pretty technical, so try to keep up.

Someone lets one rip.  Then someone else screams “Doorknob!”  Then the person who passeth the gasseth has to dash across the room and touch a doorknob while the person who did NOT release a butt honk tries and stops them by any means short of actual bloodshed or mutilation.

Sitting on their face is ok.  Just don’t break their nose.

For the twist that you never saw coming, if the person who actually tooted can scream “Safety!” and put the international sign language symbol for Loser up on their forehead before the other non-tooting person can scream “Doorknob!” then the game is over as soon as it started and everyone goes back to updating Facebook.  The End.

Did I mention that Alana came up with the game?

And that I used to read books?

Yeah.

As if that wasn’t enough fun, we then moved on to creating the guest list…and I need to meet all of these people immediately.

Best.  Redneck.  Drag Queen.  Names.  Ever.

Snap John.  Little Willy.  Pork Chop.  Box Car.  Catfish.  Fat Daddy.

And please don’t forget to invite Corn and Niblet.

The best birth certificates in the world.  I just can’t.

No wonder Sugar Bear passed out.

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And he kinda did, poor thing.  Sugie was in a bad way.  Really bad.

As he was rushed to the hospital after a particularly bad night, it was clear that something was really wrong with Sugar Bear.  And the whole thing got kind of real.

Call them what you will, but the Boos are Family.  And that’s all that matters when one of them goes down.

Mama’s Chubby Chaser had pancreatitis.

Nobody could say it.  Or spell it.  But he had it.

And it’s pretty serious, because you kind of need your pancreas to stay inside you so it can do whatever it is that your pancreas does on a daily basis.

(If this was actually still The Learning Channel they would probably have had some medical special on the subject, but those dancing kids from Atlanta probably hogged the time slot.  Or those Amish people who take off their funny hats and suddenly think they live on the Jersey Shore.  As if.)

So Sugar Bear was sick.  And everyone was getting sad and crying a little and realizing how much they loved him.  Watching him read the homemade cards that the girls all scribbled out for him was actually a little touching because he always has that emotional glaze over his eyes when he talks about The Family.

If you were taking shots every time Mama accidentally said “Wedding” instead of “Commitment Ceremony”  (…or every time Brandi and Mama tossed “Wing It” back and forth…) you were probably already passed out by now, but if you stuck around for the entire show than you know that they are one tight knit family.

Sloppy and pretty dirty and they touch waaaaaay too many doorknobs in one day.

But they’re Family.

And it is what it is.  So they all banded together, had a couple of hugs and one more really good fart before going to bed to pray for Sugar Bear’s quick recovery.

Doorknob!

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To Be Continued…

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