Posts Tagged ‘Honey Boo Boo Child Sister Anna (“Chickadee”)’

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: That’s Right. You’d Better Redneckognize How Beautimous Life In The Country Is For Pageant Princess Alana. Holla!

Thursday, August 16th, 2012

 

 

It’s so much better than sex. You get way more than one person will ever need…and they double bag it so it never breaks open in your back seat.

 

 

 

All I know is this family eats and talks a lot of Biscuits.

 

 

 

 

OMG. Enough mustard for a small country? I literally just Oooo’d myself right here in the condiment aisle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Redneck Clean-up. Aisle 4. Bring a mop.

 

 

 

 

 

You know how the old saying goes. Chew on the Nips…a Lifetime on the Hips. Or sumthin…

 

 

 

 

Pthffffft. Hot Dogs are ready, girls.

 

 

 

 

 

Hold on.

I just need to undo the top button on my pants and catch my breath.

It’s true, you know.  What they say.

The second date is almost always better than the first.  You’ve already been introduced, gotten to know each other a little better and can now let your guard down and be yourself.  You can leak a few family secrets, or maybe even leak a few bodily functions.

Just don’t get too comfortable too soon unless you’re prepared for some seriously jaw-dropping moments that could potentially scar both your retinas and your plasma screen.

And never go past second base or show your Forklift Toe until at least the third date.

That’s right.  Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was back for a second round of Redneckosity and…love ’em or hate ’em…the relationship definitely got a little more intimate.

Personally, I love me some Boo Boo.  I don’t know why.  I just do.

Probably for the same reason that I keep going to Walmart even though I don’t need anything in the store.  It’s cheaper than Six Flags, the snacks are better and you come away with enough memories and emotional scars to last a lifetime.

Anyway.  Now that we all had a week or so to digest both their lifestyle, and the equivalent of a military surplus plane’s cargo drop of cheese balls, it was time to get down and dirty with Alana Thompson and her backwood crazy a** family.

And not just in the mud.

Mom June Shannon, best known for her substantial girth and her equally balanced mirth, is also pretty dadgummed famous for being Reality TV’s Coupon Queen.

And this week we got to see how the Pros do it when all the Boo Boo Girls (…didn’t they just perform at the Olympic Closing Cermonies?…) hit up the local Piggly Wiggly to count and clip their way into a coupon frenzy.  As Mom explained, the Coupon EX-Games are like sex, only better.  Way better.

Proudly cheap, and already fully stocked with enough free toilet paper to wipe the Too-Tay of every resident in her town through 2018, June grabbed her wad of Sunday clippings and entered the store like a chubby gladiator going into battle.  If the Piggly doors weren’t already automatic sliders I’ll bet you anything they would have parted like the Red Sea regardless.

June had arrived, and Piggly Wiggly stock took a 21 point dip before she even got Alana behind the shopping cart.  It was on.

Like watching Schoolhouse Rock on a television with tin foil on the bunny ears, we witnessed the distribution of nutritional fun facts, the demonstrating of questionable mathematic skills and the kind of pre-planned attack that is usually reserved for storming third world countries as June quizzed Alana on every purchase before dumping 42 boxes of whatever into the cart.

Girlfriend knows her shizzle.

I hate Ramen noodles.  But for free?  Hell, yeah those 10 boxes would be coming home with Daddy.

Pumpkin on the other hand, was not quite as captivated by Mom’s coupon magic act and instead took to standing in an empty shopping cart pretending she was one of the Pussycat Dolls at the Macy’s Parade until  both she and the float missed that turn on 34th Street and dumped backwards into the kettle chip display.

The first WTF Moment of the episode (…don’t even try to count them all…) came when a container of Rust Remover was discovered in the cleaning aisle.  By itself, the item didn’t warrant a coupon or an informercial, but when it was discovered that the product could remove Mom’s neck crust…well…that was a game changer.

Shout out to the trigger fingered TLC cameraman who managed to zoom in on June’s donut neck for the freeze framed close-up shot so quickly that no one in America had time to look away.  Think of your home siding after you’ve spent all afternoon power-washing in the hot sun, and then you lift up one strip of vinyl and find all the woogies that have been there since you closed on the house 42 years ago.

Yeah.  Neck crust.

Sunday I am going to church to light a candle and thank the Lord that nobody found a bottle of Draino, and move on to the next subject.

Since Teen Mom Chickadee was about to pop out another Boo Boo, everyone was in full on Baby Shower mode.  Mom and Alana were painting up those wooden letters you buy at Michael’s to spell out Kaitlyn Elizabeth‘s name while Glitzy the Pig sniffed and snuffed all over the bed.

As you’ll recall, through the magic of strip mall ultrasound, everyone had already seen little Kaitlyn’s Bisquit, so they knew in advance that it was going to be a girl.  Besides offering convenient curb side parking and determining the sex of the child, the ultrasound tech had also managed to ruin any chance I have of ever enjoying strawberry shortcake again without throwing up in my mouth a little.

While we’re still on the subject, I’m also going to assume that if you don’t see a Bisquit during the ultrasound, you must see the Pillsbury Doughboy staring back at you like someone trapped on the Other Side of a Poltergeist television set.

Help Me.

Arts & Crafts always makes everyone over heat, so the gang headed outside for some Redneck Water Slide action.  (Six Flags…are you listening?  That’s two things more fun than you already.)

Since Dad Sugar Bear was off flooding the cranberry chalk bog (…will someone please tell me how they mine chalk and what that even means…) the Boo Boo Girls all hosed down a conveniently located plastic tarp, oiled it up with either soap or dish detergent or WD-40 and got their bootleg Six Flags slide on.

You ever try to cook Thanksgiving dinner and completely loose your grip on the bird and can’t figure out how to pick it back up off the kitchen floor?  The more you grab for it, the slimier it gets until it shoots into the living room or out the front door?

It was like that.

I love these guys.

But since Alana is first and foremost a Pageant Princess and not a holiday tradition, it was time to practice.  And where does a mini diva go to learn how to shake and spread her legs like Elvis?  (Elvis the Singer, not Elvis the Elf.  Alana was a little foggy on that one.)

Deevas Dance Studio.  Der.

Looking exactly like the place you used to stop at on the highway when you were little to buy Indian moccasins and whatever those tambourine-looking spirit wind catchers were called, Deevas was all pine knots and booty pops.

Run by Amanda Carter, who is apparently a big deal in the pageant/wind catcher world, the studio was June’s first choice to choreograph Alana’s new Rock & Roll routine.

Remember that girl in high school who tried to frost her own ‘do on a lonely Friday night and pulled too much hair through the cap?  And then she ended up with giant slabs of bleached out stripes all over the place and tried to pass it off as something she saw in Cosmo?

And then she went to the Mall on the day that Lancôme had their Big City cosmetologist at the counter and got made up like she was going to Mardi Gras but then just wore the makeup all day and tried to pass it off as something she saw in Vogue?

And then she put a plastic bag over her head so she didn’t mess up all that hard work and then somehow managed to pull a pink t-shirt on over her head like Celine Dion does backstage at Vegas without getting any lipstick on her teeth?

Brown lipstick, I believe.

Remember her?  No reason.  Just asking.

Deevas.  It was Beautimous.

After ingesting enough cheese balls to feed most of Asia last week, Mom and the girls had decided to go on a diet and it now was time for the week #3 progress report.

If you took The Biggest Loser and filmed it in a barn, you pretty much got what went down on Weigh In Day as the Boo Boo Girls each stepped up for the tally.  Chubbs and June both lost a few pounds, while Pumpkin somehow mystically absorbed their fat molecules from across the room.  It may have had less to do with magic and more to do with her constant mouthful of anything that didn’t move in the house, but regardless, she was going in the wrong direction.

To balance out the Boo Universe, as Chubbs was sucking in fat, Glitzy the Pig decided to toot some out and began leaving a trail of piglet poo all over the dining room table.

Yeah.  I said dining room table.  Like the one you eat off of when you’re not snacking on stray cheese balls in the couch cushions.

Now as any good Toddlers & Tiaras expert knows, when a little princess suddenly has to go wee right before she goes on stage, it’s the Mom or Dad’s job to pick her up and run through the ballroom like she’s a ticking ACME bomb about to go off in the Coyote’s face.

But for some reason when a teacup pig has to make a doodie, everyone just gathers around and watches like a butterfly is somehow going to emerge from that fuzzy cocoon.

I dunno.  All I know is that I’m never eating at their house, no matter how much they beg me to come over.  A sexually ambiguous boy pig wearing a dress shouldn’t be dropping his stuff all over the table.  That’s where I draw the line.

Luckily they had 783 rolls of Brawny on hand to sop up the oink doink, and still managed to get to the baby shower on time, where the highlight was June and Sugar Bear doing that baby bottle chugging contest everyone always does at Teen Mom baby showers.

If it was good enough to get you knocked up, it’s good enough for a party game, I guess.

As 5 year old cousin Bryan looked on in disbelief, June managed to bite the end of the nipple right off the bottle, swallow it whole and then spew up whatever they were chugging all over the opposite wall.

Yeah.  The opposite wall.

Speaking of power-washing.  She’s a keeper.

No wonder Shugie has been with her for 8 years.  Unmarried years.  Sorry.  Spoiler Alert.

To prep for the upcoming pageant and their first ever anniversary/date night, June next took the girls to a local day spa for some facials and foot stuff.

You need to find time to watch the reaction of the salon girl who kept coming on camera looking as though she had just heard the truth about Santa Claus.

Call in sick.  Or quit your job, it’s that good.  Just watch it.  Over and over.

She was all like…umm…ahh…yeah.  They were…it…she was.  And I’ve never…they were…their personalities.  Umm.  I can’t feel the left side of my face and my vision is kinda blurry.  Is that you, Grandma?  I’m coming.

By the time it was revealed that June had a gnarly toe due to a warehouse forklift accident I almost blacked out.

Seriously.  If we get some new foot fact every week I’m going to have to be sedated.

(Remember, last week on T&T we found out that gay Uncle Poodle was completely missing one toe due to a lawnmower or ninja attack or something.)

I need to know how much they pay those mani/pedi techs…because it ain’t enough.  Not even close.

Date night at Crockett’s Cafeteria was a hoot.  How Sugar Bear can keep a wad of chewing tobacco on his face all day and never notice is beyond me, but he did.  There was enough syrup and sauce and chew juice dripping on that table to raise the humidity outside a few degrees, but it was clear they loved each other and even leaned in to either steal a kiss or lap up some goo.

Romance is alive in McIntyre.

We finished off our second week with the Boo Boos with a visit to Lucy Lu’s Boutique to pick out a new pageant dress for Alana.  Seems that all the free food doesn’t come with free calories because she no longer fit in her old pink Anderson Cooper Show dress.

Owner Lacey Jowers gave us an impromptu lesson on how you create a pageant dress, which was not as captivating as the History Channel’s story on how they built the Statue of Liberty, but still kind of fun to watch.  I really liked her.

I didn’t realize how they start out with a boring dress and then build it bigger and better like you would do with LEGOs when you make a rocket ship.  Except they use special “Sparkle, Baby” Swarovski LEGOs and it requires sticking the kid with Project Runway needles every time she takes a breath.

To reward Glitzy for taking a dump on the dining room table, Lacey Lu Whoo agreed to make a mini version of Alana’s dress that the confused piglet could wear on next season’s RuPaul’s Drag Race.

You better Work, pig.

By the time Glitzy left squealing and wee weeing all the way home, Lacey pretty much stabbed herself in the eye to make it be over.

And then it was.

Y’all come back now.

 

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Alana Is Back And She Done Brung Her Family With Her! Get Ready For Some Mud Splashing, Glitzy Pig Squealing Fun!

Thursday, August 9th, 2012

 

 

That’s right, bitches. I’m back. And you’re gonna need a jug of Honey Booze Booze to wash down all of this Redneckosity!

 

 

 

OMG! Triple bonus coupons on Brawny, right when I was down to my last 423 rolls of paper towels.

 

 

 

 

I don’t need no manners. The smell of pigs feet and my Rubbermaid hat bring all the boys to the yard, thank you.

 

 

 

 

Everyone hit me up in the chatrooms as soon as I posted that I do Mud Facials and Cheese Balls. What’s up widdat?

 

 

 

Seriously. I work seven days a week and I still have to go out and hit me some dinner every night? That’s messed up.

 

 

 

I don’t even know where babies come from, but check out that TV! If you get knocked up you get free cable! Score!

 

 

 

 

Sheeeoooot.

I love me some Honey Boo Boo Child.

There.  I said it.  I own it.  And now I can’t take it back.

Being, at least in my own head, the blogosphere’s authority on All Things Reality I get to watch some fine hot messes just so I can report back to all of you.  And sometimes when I have to pass all the juicies along, I have to make something out of nothing if the show is not up to my exceptionally high standards.

Pimpin’…and bloggin’…ain’t easy.

But then at other times, the Gods of Reality simply dump a bucket of pigs feet and television magic on my head and it just happens.

This is one of those moments.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  Rednecks and Etiquettes.

I give you Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

After months of nervous hand wringing and coupon clipping, the most recent undisputed Toddlers & Tiaras breakout star finally plopped out onto our television screens this week like a newborn baby calf, all covered in a gooey coating of cheese ball dust and bat s*** crazy.  And the World is now either a better place for it, or is frantically spinning towards the end of civilization as we know it.

That one is up to you to decide, because the internet arguments will undoubtedly drag on longer than Huntin’ Season, and I’m just here to report the deets as I see ’em…with perhaps a few questionable embellishments if I deem them necessary.

But you already know how I roll.  So let’s do this.

Alana Thompson, the 6 year old pageant firecracker, still likes to Holla for a Dolla and win moneeeeey.  There’s no doubt about that.  But now she is taking us on a behind the scenes view of what really goes down in her Georgia hometown.  And there is Reality TV gold in them thar hills, along with a made to order sitcom family right out of Central Casting.

They’re real, and they don’t make no excuses about it, which is why I love ’em.  They don’t care if we like them.  They don’t care if we hate them.  They just want to be left alone to do their extreme couponing, win pageants and do Redneck stuff.

Mom June is still big, loud, proud and thrifty.  Fame has in no way diminished her desire to scarf up every multi-pack of toilet paper and 2-ply Brawny within the city limits, all at a considerable discount by the way, and display them like the biodegradable equivalent of Precious Moments figurines on approximately 8 linear miles of plastic Home Depot shelving.

Fame has also in no way diminished her desire to hold in any bodily functions, regardless of their point of origin.

Burps, honks, toots, farts and Super Sneezes were all seamlessly integrated into pretty much every one of her conversations.  If you can look past the stigma that society usually puts on letting one rip during a television interview or Target run, it really is almost an art form.

This week was a Meet & Greet of sorts, so we could all get to know and love the Family, who are all packed into a house that looked to be wedged less than 6 inches from the train tracks.  I don’t even know how that one got past the Zoning Board, but I bet property taxes are about $15.34 a year if you round up.

Imagine living near an airport where the plane actually lands on your roof, and then inside are 5 women and 1 man (…who could really use his own flipper, by the way…) all fighting over one bathroom.  In the first 3 minutes of the show you didn’t need a NASA degree to figure out why they were all so loud and why everyone chose to wash their hair and road kill in the kitchen sink.  I only hope they don’t multi-task when they’re under a time crunch, because venison is stringy enough fresh off the highway.

Dad Mike, aka “Sugar Bear,” works seven days a week mining chalk.  I have no clue how you do that, or whether it’s done in a chalk mine or harvested off trees in the Fall, but whatever it is…he does it.  And he does it non-stop apparently, so Georgia must be the Chalk State or something.  I’m a little fuzzy on some of my 7th grade Social Studies, so I apologize in advance on that one.

Sugar Bear never actually said it, but I bet that getting out of that Amtrak station once in awhile probably makes him smile a big, spacious jack-o-lantern smile, so I’d be curious to actually see his time card.

There are also three gum poppin’, mud sloppin’ sisters hanging around the house, and you didn’t need that degree or a DNA swab to know they all fell off the same turnip truck.

(Side note.  Apparently, you also didn’t need to know English to watch this show, because approximately 98% of the production was subtitled as though I had just tuned into Spanish HBO.  Granted, they all talk in a southern drawl with a mouth full of snacks, but I think I can make out what they’re saying on my own.  If I wanted a foreign art film I probably wouldn’t be hitting up Honey Boo Boo on a Wednesday night.  But thanks, anyway.)

Lauryn (“Pumpkin“) was the crazy pig feet bobber in the family, and proudly proclaimed that she was pretty much born without manners.  Jessica (“Chubbs“) could cram enough cheese balls in her mouth to warrant a call to the Guinness World Record people all while wondering how she got her nickname.  Anna (“Chickadee“) was the 17 year old pregnant teen in the family, since according to MTV everyone in Georgia should have at least one.

Taking into consideration that Anna is 17 and Mom is only 32, you didn’t really need a calculator to figure that one out.  You actually didn’t even need all your fingers and toes.  At one point between toots and sneezes, June commented on how proud she was of Anna for staying in school until she popped.

As if on cue, a few scenes later Anna then showed off that high school edukashun by not knowing what an “abdomen” was…so…umm…yeah.

The first family trip was to the Redneck Games down the road a bit, and June hit the barn nail on the head when she warned us that there were some “broke down” people in that town.

Ok.  Broke Down is one thing.  But not even an Emergency Broadcast System scroll across the bottom of the screen would have prepared me for some of the Vajiggle Jaggle that Georgia unleashed at the Games.  When Mama Boo Boo said some blub would be eating some bikinis up, Girlfriend wasn’t lying.

You know how when you make an omelet and you toss in some ingredients and then watch them slowly soak down into the warm cheese until they completely disappear from sight?

Yeah.  It was like that.  Except your oven doesn’t get as hot as the Georgia sun.  Or as moist.  Now try to get that visual out of your head.

You’re welcome.

Pumpkin bobbed for pigs feet in one of those big plastic bins that you store your Christmas decorations in while Chubbs and Alana belly flopped in the mudbog.  They didn’t win the mud prize unfortunately, most likely because they couldn’t hold a beer and belly flop at the same time like one Vajiggler did.

Again.  An art form.

There was also a brief moment when June proved that she’s Sexy and She Knows It by booty grinding up against some Redneck cowboy butt just long enough to burn my retinas, and my tears burned like a midnight cheese ball toot.

Back home at the train station, everyone gathered around the world’s largest cup holder couch to shovel down even more cheese balls and talk about how fat they were getting.

Seriously.  More?  Is there like a secret cheese ball room somewhere that we are not privy to yet?  Do we get to see it during the final episode or something?

I swear, it was literally the kind of endless supply that Feed The Children should be dropping out of planes somewhere.  They were so busy passing around the industrial vat of round puffs that they never even noticed a train conductor walk through the house and steal a 6 pack of toilet paper for the ride home.

Between fistfuls of the magic cheese confection, everyone complained about how fat they were getting and then had a cattle auction weigh-in.  Then they went back to the cheese balls.

Since Alana is still a pageant princess under all that yellow dust, everyone hit up a Natural Faces practice competition to get her revved up for the next big glitz show.

Unfortunatley, Alana lost again, and went home with nothing.  And losing at a practice competition that pretty much awards the winner with a bag full of nothing has got to suck.

But luckily, nothing cures the blues like a teacup piglet with a manicure, right?

Move over all you Reality TV pocket sissy dogs, because Glitzy the Piggy has arrived.

Dad swung by Posh Pigs, which is some kind of pork store apparently owned and operated by a former Spice Girl, and snagged a little squealer for Alana.

And believe me, if anyone or anything is capable of drowning out the roar of those trains, it’s Glitzy, because that little piggie went wee wee wee from the minute he left the store right up until he made my ears bleed and then blacked out from piglet exhaustion.

Posh Spice had hooked him up with some purple and green pig nail polish too, so watching a piglet question his own sexuality was a nice touch.  Alana was going to dress that little boy piggy up like a pageant girl until he chewed his own pork rinds off, or died trying.

One of the talking points when Alana lost at the Natural Faces pageant was her refinement and polish (…go figure…) so Mom had hired an etiquette specialist to jump off a box car and swing by the house for a training session.

Barbara Hickey, from the Etiquette School of Atlanta (…who is now most likely in secluded rehab somewhere far away strapped to her bed with restraints…) drew the short straw and arrived with her laminated Miss Manners presentation boards to put Alana and Pumpkin through a quick bootcamp.

In hindsight, Mrs. Hickey should have bolted as soon as she made eye contact with the pig.  But people with manners don’t bolt unless there’s no caviar.  So she mustered up enough strength to enter the Coupon Queen Paper Towel Restaurant and attempted to show the girls how to eat with utensils.

Watching someone with manners slowly deteriorate into a mere shell of their former self, complete with back sweat and the kind of fake smile you use when meeting old classmates at reunions, was delightful.  By the time Pumpkin asked if it was rude to pass gas at the dinner table, Mrs. Hickey would have thrown herself through the glass window pane if all those F***ing paper towels weren’t blocking her exit.

As the dust from Mrs. Hickey’s tire spin out was dissipating, Mom and Alana hit up the local H&H Auction to bid on some past expiration bundt cake and home goods.  You have no idea how much I loved this show right around this point.

It was basically held in one of those armory looking places where they always lay out all the belongings after they empty a house on Hoarders Buried Alive.  I need to go there.

Honey Boo Boo Premiere Week ended with a quick trip to the strip mall ultra sound store.  No lie.

A couple of goo squirts on Anna’s belly and the world got to see the future Kaitlyn Elizabeth staring back at us in horror.  I’m pretty sure the fetus was even holding a post-it note that said “I’ll stay in here, thank you.”

And since you never know when a pageant judge is going to ask you where babies come from, we finished off the evening learning way more than anyone should ever know about southern hospitality and Poppin’ Fresh biscuits.

Whacking them on the counter will never be the same.

And neither will Reality TV as we know it.

Because Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Love ’em or hate ’em, they’re here to stay.

And I love ’em.

Holla.

Toddlers & Tiaras: Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Child! It’s Time To Holla For Another Dolla Because Alana Is Back For More Belly Slapping Good Times.

Saturday, July 28th, 2012

Seriously.

It’s enough to send you face down into a Mud Bog.

Honey Boo Boo Child is revving up her 4-wheeler and there’s no where to hide, people.  No where at all.

Call it the best thing to happen to Reality TV evah, or call it the end of civilization as we know it.  It’s your call.

But either way…she’s back.

Whether it’s online at home, or in line at Walmart, it seems as though everyone has an opinion on Alana Thompson and her Mom, June Shannon.

After capturing the country’s attention with her sassy attitude, and nearly shifting the earth’s rotation with those warp speed Go-Go Juice infused floor spins, the undisputed Toddlers & Tiaras breakout star is finally ready for another closeup.

And this time, she’s bringing her whole family along for the ride.

Seems that Casa de Boo Boo is filled with a lot more than just industrial-sized cardboard cases of toilet paper and Brawny towels.  It’s also well stocked with quirky siblings and a Dad with a penchant for belly slapping and the kind of laugh that usually ends with someone spitting their teeth out.

We’ll meet sisters Jessica (“Chubbs”), Lauryn (“Pumpkin”) and Anna (“Chickadee”) as well as get reintroduced to Alana’s scruffy faced Dad “Sugar Bear.”

The last time we saw Sugar Bear, he was taking a pretty good toilet paper roll blow to the head so it will be interesting to see if he suffered any long term effects from the Coupon Queen’s artillery.

Though the family has (…allegedly…) sworn off the potent Mountain Dew & Red Bull cocktail, it looks as though Alana is still just as wired for sound as she was the first time she splattered all over our television screens.  We’ll see her 4-wheeling, mud flopping, armpit tooting and participating in all those activities that make the Redneck Lifestyle so endearing.

Despite the fact that they all have their own teeth, Sugar Bear insists that…yes…they are still Rednecks, much to the chagrin of at least one sister.

Oh.  And Anna is a 17 year old expectant Mom-To-Be.

Yup.  I think there’ll be enough to make you holla when Alana hits the airwaves again.

Holla.  Scream.  Whatever.

TLC’s latest spin-off show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is premiering  on August 8, and…hell yeah…my DVR is set.


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