Posts Tagged ‘International Fresh Faces Pageant’

Toddlers & Tiaras: The International Fresh Faces Pageant Is All About The Face. So Take That…And Rewind It.

Sunday, November 27th, 2016




So lemme get this straight. First you take my crown. And now you’re taking my toys? HellNaw.






I dunno. I mean…I just…I just can’t imagine not having this T&T blog to read every week.







I heard that Boys don’t make passes at Girls who wear glasses. Gimme a few minutes…







That bitch is #Goals.









Now I see one boob.







At first I was all like “Yo. Hold my drink while I f*** this bitch up…” but then I was all like “Never mind. I think I got this.”






She ain’t touching this one, I can tell you that. I’m down to my last full box. And Mama likes.




Let’s Face it.

You know I’m all about that Face.

And this Face.


And this Face, of course.


And this vintage Face, served with a side of #Attitude.

giphyAnd these Faces, for sure.  Clutch the pearls.


And this Face.  ‘member this one?  Holla at yo’ Coupon Queen Mama.


And whatever’s going on with this Face.


And this Face again, but with different hands.


And these Faces, both which gave me such #LIFE that I had to walk away for a moment.


And these Crazy Faces.


And every Face this Face ever made.


But let’s Face it.

We’re two episodes behind in our weekly Toddlers & Tiaras Quality Time because somebody at TLC thought it would be a good idea to stretch the Super-Sized 2 Part Season Finale around the Thanksgiving Holiday Season when everyone in the Real World was either slaving away over a hot plastic stove…

…or waiting in line at Best Buy for a $5 Black Friday plasma screen.  So…yeah.

To whoever thought that was a good idea:v2tsqvxBut now we’re back.  And basically two episodes and three hours behind in recaps.

So no bathroom breaks today.

Let’s do this.


The last time we saw our heroines, Kim‘s Barbie Dream SUV was still parked outside some strip mall dance studio and tiny Selyse was still locked inside Cambrie Littlefield‘s Panic Room.pinkLook at how tiny her fingers are.  She couldn’t dig an escape tunnel if she wanted to…

fingersAs you’ll recall, Selyse was put into Solitary because she had been acting like a 3 year old during the Cambrie’s Court team dance rehearsal.

As you’ll also recall, Selyse is 3 years old.  So there’s that.

Look at that face.

sCambrie wanted Kim to make Selyse go to sleep, yet never really clarified if that was supposed to be accomplished with pills, a lullaby or a mallet to the head.  But since Cambrie is #Goals, I’m going to assume she meant Hug It Out, because violence is never the answer.

Don’t do NyQuil.  And stay in school, kids.


Eventually, Kim knocked down the door, rescuing Selyse…


…and then hustling her into the Barbie Dream GetAway SUV where there was already another unexplained randomly placed child in the back seat who clearly was not in the mood for paparazzi today.

kkSide note:  I love Kim.

She gets a bad rap from a ton o’ chat rooms and people on Twitter who still have the egg icon as their photo, but I think she’s a hoot.  And y’all know by now that I’m an equal opportunity snarker.

Just ask Paisley Dickey‘s Mom.  #PrettyWoman.

toddlers-and-tiaras-paisleyI literally dragged her through the first 6 seasons of this show, but couldn’t love her more.  She and that kid are sweeter than Pixie Stix, I swear.  If they ever remix that Booger Song with a stronger bass beat I would totally use it in Step Class.

We love Kim.  She’s a mess.  But it’s the good kind.  So it’s all love.

kim Just like Kallyn‘s Mom Megan loves her vino.  Or almost as much.


Look at that.

Make yourself at home in our Thomasville showroom, ma’am.m3Do any of these Pageant Moms even own shoes?

Megan is HIGH-larious.  But it was her husband Brandon who took top prize this time.


Part Yogi Bear‘s overwhelmed BFF…

yogibearbdcap3_originalPart Fire Island stuffed animal and part every shop teacher who ever lost a finger in every high school in America when he puts on his protective glasses…


…Brandon was 250+ pounds of weepy #ProudBabyDaddy, who got choked up every time he tried to talk about his #Daddy’sGirl Kallyn.

bcTrue Fact:  There is nothing like a Father’s Love.  Don’t ever take that for granted, kids.

We also met some boy that I’m going to assume is Kallyn’s brother…

bobby…who looked really familiar, but I couldn’t quite place him from where exactly.

tumblr_ma7wf7dxvb1relflqo3_r3_400Dad made some shirts for the upcoming pageant in a variety of colors…shirt1cznomcmwaaevkyt shirt…and proved again how much he loved his kid and iron-on heat-set lettering from Joanne’s.

Side note:  Jaimie/Adele kept showing up in clips where she was standing in front of a #ChoreBoard.

I’m not sure why the kid on the left had more chores to do than the kid on the right.

25_adele_560x375ju25_adele_560x375I’m also not sure why one of the chores wasn’t ‘Clean This Damn Chalkboard’ because that thing hadn’t been washed since the last time Jaimie went on tour.

C’mon.  How can you not love Jaimie?

Side note #2: Kallyn smelled Hot Pockets being microwaved down the hall and completely spaced out during the interview process.

hot1hot2No clue where she gets her lack of focus from.

dayHit me, bartender.

Moving on, we headed back to LensCrafters to finally get an explanation as to why Cambrie had been holding all her Team Meetings in an optical shop.

docMystery solved.

According to the blurred-out 2nd row, all of Cambrie’s kids are blind.

FDA Disclaimer:  There is no known connection between 20/700 eyesight and taking collagen spray shots directly in your open orbital cavities.  None whatsoever.  So don’t even bother calling your lawyer.

Look at how cute the kids look with goggles.

g glassesBut you didn’t need your new specs to see Hallee’s Mom lounging on her giant Roomba, did ya?


Because there she was again, chilling back all carefree and shoeless while the Taco Bell dog licked his burrito hole on national television.

And that’s

With an…

mlsvulAnd a smokey eye, ‘mmkay?

seyeElicia’s a cheer coach and the Most Hated Mom on the pageant circuit right now.

She also holds the record for cooking the most hot dogs in one day.  You see that spread?

emI love how her husband Mark always had the same look on his face no matter what scene they were taping.  The only thing that ever changed was the designer logo on his shirt.

That’s the only way I knew it was a different day.  #TrueStory.

And excuse me.  How about Lola?


So.  Cute.  Drop Dead Cute.

And since the upcoming International Fresh Faces Pageant was strictly Neck-Up, Jaimie figured Lola was a shoe-in for Ultimate Grand Supreme.

Lola’s Mom Jessica even took time off from filming an episode of Grey’s Anatomy to grant an interview before scooting out to her (…Spoiler Alert!…) BoxAerobics class at the Y.

jess jess1

You just wait.

Oh.  And Piper‘s back.  And her Mom Katie.  And her Dad with the Cowboy Hat.

gk k3

No shoes, tho.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Lola’s Secret Weapon was her #Wink.

lola l1 l2Because it was.

Anyway.  I hope you’re safely reclined in your Carol Burnett Fainting Couch…


…because right here was when the T&T Train went off the rails.

Piper was going on stage this weekend…with NO flipper.pipI know, right?  That’s crazy.

k1Spoiler Alert:  Actually, that’s not crazy.  This is crazy.

kBut not yet.

That’ll have to wait until Showtime.

Which was just about to start, as soon as we were introduced to Co-Directors Poncho and Michael.

And as soon as I regained consciousness after inhaling all their awesomeness.
looktumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500m7tumblr_nvtzpqhcvl1u2pphqo1_500birdJust. Yaaaaaassssssss.

Since this pageant was all about the Face, nothing below the neck even mattered.

Not the costumes.  Not the fancy footwork.  Nuthin.

The judges were even informed to only score #FacialBeauty, which was so wrong it was right on so many levels.  Ugly Kids Need Not Apply.  Really.  I mean it.

Side note:  Don’t even ask me why everyone was putting a second mortgage on their homes to pay for cupcake dresses that wouldn’t even skew the numbers.  Don’t.

Lola from the Future even came back in time to host the pageant.


Cuz Poncho and Michael don’t play.

Not with the rules (…Spoiler Alert:  Put that toy down, you greedy kid…) or with the pre-game State Fair festivities, which included games and rides and snow cones and a monkey drinking Windex.


Oh.  And strippers.  With kids in the room.


Look at Magic Jimmy all like “Simmer down, honey.  You already got a horse in the barn.”cowboy

Megan whipped that iPhone out pretty fast, too, if you ask me.  But I’m not judging.

Her friend that cuts fabric down at Walmart is never gonna believe this one.iphoneAnd now that the lady folk were all wound up, it was time to get the 2 Day festivities started!

Finally, it was really Showtime!

Day 1:  Beauty and Swimwear.


Right out of the gate, things were a little awkward as both Cambrie’s Court and the Sassy Supremes were forced to share a makeup room.  It was all about tight quarters and even tighter hot rollers.bhurtsBecause Pretty is Painful, FYI.

redpretty-hurts-music-video-beyonce-part-2hotmessAnd Kim is always late, FYI.

ks1This time it was something about the flight just getting in and reading the text wrong and needing to feed the baby first because she’s a baby even though as soon as Kim got to the makeup room she sat Selyse down and fed her more cereal.  So I dunno.

I love her.  But she makes my head hurt sometimes.


Disclaimer:  That wasn’t Kim or Selyse.  And you probably don’t want to try that at home.

Needless to say, Selyse had to skip the nails again and get snatched up by her Stylist Friend, who proceeded to run a full Spartan Iron Man course with a 3 year old sand bag under one arm.

relayThere was even an obstacle course that included stepping over empty Red Bull cans and racing up two flights of stairs.  Jesus take the Wheel.  And this baby, too, cuz she weighs a ton with all that hair.

Luckily, they ran right up to the lady with the iPhone chip reader who takes registrations, because Kim also forgot to sign Selyse up for this shindig while she was feeding her and misreading texts.


Look at how elaborate the back of that lady’s vest is.  Do you think she crocheted that herself?vestAfter a quick pit stop, they were $395 in the hole…but back in the race.

Selyse made it.  Barely.

So I guess nobody could notch out that curly piece of jigsawed plywood so every kid didn’t have to step up and over it before falling head first into the stage runway lights?

plywood I bet Brandon could’ve fixed that in under 3 minutes.  #SafetyFirst, of course.


Clearly, the best part of the pageant was after they came off the stage, every child got to scoop up some stash from the massive International Fresh Faces Toy Toy Table.


Because that’s what Poncho called it.  tinderBecause he couldn’t say Toy Table single…ular…ly.

Look at how precious.  What a little bird, right?


As all that hilarity was ensuing, little peanut Kallyn was attempting to cross enemy lines and say hello to her friends in the Cambrie Camp.  Because she’s everyone’s friend.  Beautiful on the inside and outside.

By the time she hit the stage, it was all over.


Cue the #ProudPoppaBear tears.

bAnd the #ProudMamaBear tears.  I knew she had it in her.


peaceCheck it out.  The middle judge totally matches that Marimekko chair.

middle kivet-chairs-blgoTo Infinity & Beyond Cute:  Caitlyn was next on stage and she rocked it as always.  Unfortunately, coming down from that performance high, she snatched up the wrong toy toy from the wrong toy toy table and got slapped down down by Poncho in front of everyone in the room.

You can not do that.

Relax, dude.  I think you got enough Banana Monkeys to go around.

banana Mom Charis was NOT happy.  She cried and then kinda blended into the background curtains.

charisMeanwhile, Piper was having a bad day.

She was grumpy and sleepy and her ginger weave was hurting her head every time someone clipped in a track.  Take it easy, woman.  I’m not wearing a flipper.

phAnd as if that wasn’t crazy enough, Mark and Elicia with an E had decided to enter Hallee into the competition wearing a pantsuit.

That’s right.  You heard me.

A.  Pant.  Suit.

Who does that?

hrcrainbowAt least it fit, thank you Jesus.

Side note:  Using all this pre-game chaos as a smokescreen, my Boo Jayliana and Mom Deb were huddled off in the corner trying to convince pint sized Kallyn to jump ship and join Cambrie’s Court…where you can ride magical unicorns and get collagen facials 24/7.

Not gonna lie.  It’s pretty awesome.

Not as awesome as your Dad’s pink shirt and definitely not as awesome as whatever’s happening to your hair right now…

lesson …but pretty awesome.

Deb actually said “Gimme Knuckles” and set the clock back to Jersey Shore time.

But let’s be real.

The best part of this entire 3 hour block was when Piper spied her sister Harlie scarfing down a lollipop and was all like ‘Where’d you get that?’ and Harlie was all like ‘What?  This?  This lollipop?  The lollipop that’s supposed to replace all the crowns and parental attention you’ve stolen from me over the years with not even an ounce of regret?  This lollipop?’


(…Sucking Noise…)h1

This one?h

If you’ve ever competed against a sibling in your lifetime, you just saw Jesus.

And then Jimmy got a text that Piper was supposed to already be on stage instead sitting there like leftovers with half her hair still in a bag.

Codeword: PANIC.  And SUCK IT IN.*

*Save a horse.  Ride a Pageant Kid.

Side note:  Anyone else see that Park Ranger show up right when Piper was running out the door?  It happened so fast I couldn’t even catch it with a screenshot.  What was that all about?  Please tell me there aren’t animals in this one, too.  No more #PoopGate please.

pbaBut Piper made it on time.  Barely.

And then she just kind of stood there on stage like a stalled car for a second or two, which was just enough time for Michael to get a jump start on his 2017 taxes.


And even though it shouldn’t really matter since the whole thing was a Face thing, it got her Mom so worked up that Katie had to go outside and take a few drags on her vaporizer and begin the Meltdown process.

Hallee nailed her pantsuit routine with some Bollywood fingers and #Sass.

hall psI don’t know anything, but I know that kid is gorgeous.

Ditto.  Lola.

lola1The Swimwear portion of the competition went off without any major drama, aside from Hallee’s parents forgetting her suit back at their condo.  Luckily, Dad was back there changing into a different polo shirt, so he came running over with suit in hand to save the day.

And it had sleeves.  Which the judges L-O-V-E-D.

All the kids 3 and under jumped around like they had beach sand in their suits, while the older kids all werked the stage like they were in an MTV video.  Shoutout to Jayliana.

tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaScore so far:  Bonus Points go to the Editing Dept. who cut right from a clip of Katie stating that all Cambrie’s Court Moms are classless to this Mom in the audience.

cutI see what you did there, TLC.

Day 2:  Talent.

The short version:  Hallee didn’t want to throw her tuck in rehearsal, which made her Mom blow a nutty and in turn made Hallee cry.  Cambrie came at her with sharp Q-Tips instead of Kleenex because she wasn’t gonna do her face over again.  Time is money.


Kailia was back on her suspended aerial Cirque du Soleil ring thing snapping her spine.


And Britney Spears sang during the breaks.

britneyAll the kids did amazing.

And then finally…2 weeks and 3 hours later…it was time for Crowning!

iff And Drama.

Selyse only scored Beauty Alternate, which really pissed off Kim.  Without reading the rules, I’m gonna have to assume that means she is eligible to take over the crown if the reigning Miss Fresh Face is no longer pretty anymore and can no longer hold the title.  Is that right?

Jaimie/Adele was all like #ToldYouSo about that #LegitHotMess.


Cambrie was all like #OyVey.


Kallyn got Queen.

Dad cried again and then Mom straight up Ugly Cried so hard the curl came out of her hair.


Piper got another Beauty Alternate title and threw some gang signs and then Katie lost it.gangkPiper was robbed.  #ByeByeBitches.

And then…Wait.  What?

Did you…?  No way.

#MoreNisa.  Visit my Kickstarter Page.  I’ll pay if I have to.

Jayliana took Beauty Photo Supreme.

I love how Jayliana is always happy with whatever title she gets.  Even at Crossfit.

I was proud.  Mom was proud.  Deb even had a hazy dream sequence remembering all the times Mustache Guy lurked in the background for some reason.

mgSo take THAT and rewind it back, yo.

rewindtake-thatJayBae’s Mom got the beat to make your booty go (clap!)

Kailia scored First Place in the Talent category (…no surprise, girlfriend…) and then Lola took Grand Supreme, which came with a sparkly crown, an envelope full of hot cash and a role as Vanity from Apollonia 6 in the new Purple Rain reboot.


Am I wrong?  Look at that doll.


Ladies & Gentlemen.  You’re Ultimate Grand Supremes.

Ages 7-8:  Emily!  From the Dueling Cousins Show!  Hey, Mom!

Ages 9-11:  Hallee!


Now everyone was crying and cheering and crying some more.

AND it was Hallee’s Birthday!  Best.  Present.  Ever.

They even took her out back and made her do that Sorority thing where you crawl under the legs of all your sisters and they spank you like a naughty girl.

Anyone else catch that player sneaking in for a touchdown when the game was already over?


You’re a Real Boy now, Pinocchio.playerAnd then it happened.

All the stress from an entire season of glitz pageantry and all the leftover Me & My Pet poop just hit the fan.  Hard.  In the hall.

Kim was doing one of her confessional interviews behind one of those accordion wall/door things…fight

…when she spied Lola’s Mom snooping through the cracks.

doorSide note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kim was hormonal.  And pregnant.

Hormonally pregnant.

Because that’s kind of important.

I see you out here.  You really want to do this?  Why you spying?

I know you’re in there talking s*** about Sassy Supremes.kourtney-kardashian-amaazing-look-starbucks

You wanna talk s*** about who’s talking s***?  You’re talking s***.  All season.toddlers-tiaras-when-its-slots-and-tots-and-l-l-cgz0_v

Jaimie even came out of her own interview for a second but then thought better.  Cleaning up this hot mess ain’t on the list, honey.


And then this happened.bball_7_gif2

Dat’s rite.  Jessica threw her damn drink right in Kim’s damn face.

watermad-goldiewaterLook at how she even squeezed the cup to make sure the lid popped off.

This ain’t her first rodeo.

Jaimie came back out and tried to youtube the fight but had her phone facing the wrong way.

youtubeAnd then Jessica took off and left Kim and Jaimie alone in the hallway to have the most uncomfortable confrontation ever under the worst harsh lighting imaginable.

lightsIt was long and involved and exceptionally dramatic.



Jaimie busted out the back door and told somebody to either take off her dress or her live mic pack.  It wasn’t really clear and she was already out of the shot, so…

And then it was over.

Elicia called home to make sure this s*** was DVR’d and to remind the sitter to walk the Taco Bell dog.

phoneCambrie was still giving #Face and #Goals.

f1Jaimie was vowing to come back bigger and better next season.

joAnd I’m waaaaay past the word count they say makes for an enjoyable blog post.

So that’s it.

We made it through Toddler 2.0.

And I couldn’t have done it without you.  Really.

But I’m gonna leave before I get emotional.


Let’s do it again soon.

Like next season, maybe…right, TLC?

Sparkle, baby.


Toddlers & Tiaras: International Fresh Faces Salutes The Kentucky Derby. Put Down Your Bets For Win, Place And Sparkle. Let’s Go To The Races!

Friday, January 4th, 2013



Time Out’s suck. One more of these and I’ll show them what a Hot Mess really looks like.







Because I’m a Fierce Miss Thang and I’m All That and We Run The World, bitches. That’s why…’kay?






Is it just me, or does Beyoncé look taller in her videos?







That’s what I’m talkin’ about. Mama can’t do eyeliner without her cocktail.







I mean, seriously. Look at this head. This head is made for a tiara. I’ll show those little sparklers how it’s done.






Oh. Hell. Yeah. Ten more hits and Sasha Fierce is gonna be hitting the track with Secretariat. Bazinga.





No fair.

Kentucky is hoggin’ all the good pageant stuff.

I mean, really.  Last week the circus came to town and the Bluegrass State got clowns, magicians in diapers and that Coach from Hell Nikki lady.  And now this time the Kentucky Derby is front and center?  Whaddup wid dat?

Toddlers & Tiaras must know a good thing when they see it, because everyone extended their Ramada reservations another seven days just to ensure that we all experience everything that Kentucky has to offer, and it was totally worth the room change fee that they probably got stuck with at the front desk.

As Director Michael Booth and his faaaabulous Barry Manilow hair explained it, the International Fresh Faces Pageant was all about big hats, big hair, big personalities, big flippers (…but not too big, please…) and little jockeys.

The horse riding kind, not the underwear kind.  Don’t be gross.

Mr. Michael was definitely into it.  Big time.  So much so that you kind of wondered if he might secretly want to swap places with one or two of the contestants for a night, just so he could wear a big Joan Collins hat and finger kiss an adult audience without getting bitch slapped by Linda Evans delivering a restraining order.

As he liked to say…it’s all about the sparkle and the magic, because everyone enjoys a little dress up time.

Yeah.  Words to live by.  I guess in the world of pageant directing, it’s better to have someone who is too into it vs. someone who just shows up for the free tan, right?

Mr. Michael, I bow to your awesome sauce fabulosity.

The first little princess we met was truly little.  Like 18 months little.

Mom Jessica happily showed off Baby Kendyl‘s wobbly head, crowns, sashes, glitz photos and punching skills as they prepared for the Kentucky competition.  At 18 months old, Kendyl was still more noggin than body, but she was a cute little off-balanced thing with a drooly smile and a wicked left hook.

Million Dollar Baby liked to box a few rounds with Mom…and Mom’s face…whenever they got in the ring together.  Cute at 18 months maybe, but somebody might want to try and break her of that habit before the first day of school or it’s not gonna be pretty on the playground.

Mom’s boyfriend, and Kendyl’s Baby Daddy, mechanic/needle artist Matt was a classic example of Don’t Judge A Book By Its Cover…or its neck ink.

Covered in tattoos and wearing one of those Diesel brand knit hats that the guys on CSI always wear when a drug deal goes bad, Matt looked like he would cut you for your lunch money and then go back to the auto shop to shave off his own eyebrows.

But don’t you be judging that book.

He was the nicest, smiliest, squishiest little Daddy’s Girl Daddy that has ever been on this show.  Little Kendyl owned him from the minute she was born, and he proudly bragged about crying for 45 minutes when he first saw all her wobbliness in the delivery room.

Not sure if that was before or after he tattooed all that stuff over each eyeball, but it didn’t really matter.  He loved his baby.  So we loved him.  Wasn’t necessarily loving his glow in the dark pageant tribute neck tattoo, but the guy’s gotta have a pair somewhere in his low riders to permanently memorialize a TLC show.

Trying to top all that was 6 year old Alanna and Mom Yolonda.

(Another Alana?  Is the world big enough?  Look out, Honey Boo Boo Child.)

Alanna with two N’s was yet another in the seemingly never ending supply of miniaturized Sasha Fierce YouGoGirls that seem to have taken over the airwaves.  I don’t know where they all came from so fast.  There’s at least one on every show nowadays, and yet it still amazes me that anyone that young can be so sassy.

How dey do dat?  Trust me, when I was 6 years old I was not sitting on the teeter totter doing two snaps up and a circle at recess.

Bitch, please.  I could have totally rocked it out.  I just chose not to.  Snap.  Snap.  Circle.

Even though she was only 6 years old, Alanna was already rehearsing for her Comeback Tour.  It had been four long years since her last performance, and it was time.  Her public demanded her return.

At the ripe old age of 2, Alanna and Yolonda had to temporarily put their pretty feet career on hold due to Dad Jeffery‘s military commitments.  Traveling around the country from base to base made it hard to work the circuit, so they all took some time off until Dad could settle down and start bleeding cash again for a new pageant.

So Sasha Fierce was back.  And ready to put a crown…and a ring…on it.

Speaking of…before we meet our final contestant.  Can I just go on record as saying that I am more than willing to pay an additional couple of dollars towards my basic cable subscription if TLC will finally cough up the revenue to pay for the rights to at least one freakin’ Beyoncé song?  A real one?


If I have to hear that bootleg karaoke “Songs Made Famous By–” fake Single Ladies shizzle one mo’ time playing in the background when they show the exterior of some sassy kid’s house, I swear I’m gonna have Matt cut somebody.


Anyway.  Glitz Girl #3 was a Hot Mess.

Mom Charlotte said it, not me.  Permanently adhered to her Disney Princess Time Out Chair was 3 year old Jozy, a high pitched, static haired little blonde thing who could vocally shatter glass if she tried.

Mom had that constant glazed-over smile that you get after three years of adhering your child to a Time Out Chair while your husband is downstairs on his Playstation.

Yes, I said Playstation.  Dad Dennis even gave himself the anonymous online moniker “Pageant Dad” since he’s so into the whole thing.

So the next time you’re killing gnomes in Lordaeron while shielded by your Cloak of Invisibility, keep in mind that you might actually be sticking your crackling dragon fire dagger into the head of a 45 year old man wearing a Sparkle, Baby tank top.

Let that one sink in for a few.  Just saying.

But right now, everyone needed to put down their joy sticks and rehearse for the pageant.  Time is money, people.

Jessica took Baby Kendyl over to the local restaurant so she could practice falling down on a bunch of tables pushed together into an impromptu stage.  As added incentive, she even laid out a dollar bill to entice Kendyl to head towards the “X” made out of electrical tape.  Kendyl likes to be bribed with cold, hard cash.

One.  When I was 18 months old, I didn’t even know what my own boy parts were, much less a dollar bill.  (…TMI?…)

Two.  Remind me never to eat at that restaurant if they allow babies to come in off the street and booty pop their diaper loads all over the table.

Since this was Hot Mess Jozy’s first Glitz Pageant, Mom took her to the local department store for a dry run on the makeup.

One.  I’m sure that the PR people from Clinique really appreciated the consultant doing Jozy’s makeup at the Elizabeth Arden counter.  WTF?  Take your lab coat off honey, or stay in your own sandbox.

Two.  Those same PR people were also probably not doing handstands when their Clinique girl referred to half of the Summer 2013 eye shadow palette as “colors that trashy girls wear.”  I can hardly wait for next month’s Cosmo photo shoot.

By the time they finished up with Jozy, she had smeared enough sample foundation all over her body to sneak through Ellis Island’s immigration check point.  Hot.  Mess.

More than likely there is a Help Wanted sign at the cash register by now, so it’s probably pointless to dwell on this one anymore.

Since 18 month old babies don’t have the luxury of wearing trashy girl makeup, Kendyl had to settle for Tan in a Can, which Mom swore was safe and even delightfully moisturizing.  Maybe.  But I’m not so certain how healthy all that overspray was that spooged up the dining room table.  Baby Daddy couldn’t have scored a drop cloth down at the shop?

I know, right?  What is it with that baby and table tops?  Now I can’t go to that restaurant OR go over to their house for dinner.  And I really wanted to hang with my boy Matt and get some Batman ink.  I can totally see us becoming buds.

I also can’t afford to go shopping with Alanna and her parents apparently, as they hit up the Ruby Blue pageant store.

One.  Alanna got a dress.

Two.  Sasha Fierce got a dress.

Three.  Mom got a dress.  She wanted to make sure she had enough options when they got to the competition, and the manager agreed that you can’t put a price on beauty.

Four.  Dad wished he was back on duty taking shrapnel in the head.

Kendyl’s dress didn’t require another mortgage like Alanna’s, but it was just as important to Mom and Dad.  So when it showed up ten sizes too large and damaged they were not happy.  Matt did something with his eyebrows, but it was hard to tell what was going on since…well…they’re not really eyebrows.  But you could tell he was peeved.

Finally, it was Showtime!

A My Little Pony On Acid Showtime!

You had to see that stage to fully appreciate all of Mr. Michael’s fabulishious input on decor and design.  Or you could just go to Toys ‘R Us and drop some acid in the stockroom.  Same diff.

Instead of the usual expanse of empty stage and iParty props, this time all the little tykes got was one tight little front to back red carpet runway due to the rest of the venue being cluttered with theater draping and sparkly horse stuff as far as the eye could see.  And it was a pretty short landing strip, with a pretty sharp drop off, considering that most of the contestants weren’t over 3 feet tall.

You know those air craft carriers that all the jets land on at 200 mph, and they have to be caught by a gigantic bungee cord or they’ll fly off into the ocean?

That’s what it felt like.

Kendyl managed to swap out her oversized mess of a dress with a neighbor, so she was good to go in something that actually fit her jelly bean body.  I love when they’re still so little that Mom or Dad has to go on stage and just swing them around like a Pee Wee Herman puppet.  Being 90% head myself, I love that kid.

Jozy got some Survivor music when she came onstage for her Beauty, which meant that she forgot something or just stood around in a daze.  Judges hate that.

Alanna sucked down enough Pixie Stix to fuel a 747 transatlantic flight before she even left the hotel room.  One right after the other.  I lost count after they flashed #14 on the screen.  But she still got her karaoke Beyoncé on and worked that stage.

The Fashion Model portion was a Kentucky Derby themed Outfit of Choice, so I’m not really sure why they didn’t just call it that and make it less confusing on the entry form.

But whatev.

Kendyl was a little Pee Wee Herman Jockey.  Mom hoisted her all around the room while Dad got so stressed out that I was afraid he’d pop one of his glow in the dark veins.  Matt was on Pageant Dad overload.

Jozy wore a hat that was bigger than her body and all you could see were her feet sticking out underneath.  Judges hate that.

Alanna worked the stage in the same dress you’d expect to see the wife of the man who owned the winning Kentucky Derby horse to wear.  But in a shrinky dink size.  Covered in Pixie Stix dust.  Girlfriend was wasted by the time the show wrapped up.

If you like it then you better put some sugar in it, mmmkay?

Then some kids won some stuff.

Matt went Mosh Pit Spaz when Kendyl scored a Novice Supreme.  Aerosmith rockstar fingers and all.

Jozy won enough to keep her busy in her Time Out Chair, and gave Dad some bragging rights back on Middle Earth.

Sasha Fierce didn’t win the Ultimate Über title, and Mama Fierce was not happy.

Just another day at the Derby.  And then it was over.

Mr. Michael, you can take off your hat now.

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