Posts Tagged ‘Jessica McClamroch’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Time To Work That Stage And Show Me Your Pretty Feet. All Four Of Them. It’s Me And My Pet!

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

c

 

 

Check it out. There’s a freakin’ pig on the crown. Don’t even pretend you’re not jealous, cuz you are. Haters gonna hate.

 

a1

 

 

 

Bitch, pleez. Every kid at the Ramada gets a crown. Suck on this headgear and then go slop your hog, honey.

 

 

k1

 

 

My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…and they’re usually carrying a taser and a few restraining orders.

 

t7

 

 

 

Now I’m a church goin’ woman, but that pretty one in the pink dances like a damn crazy lady. Lawd have mercy.

 

tt2

 

 

 

The judges like it when I shake my booty and my poor guinea pig so hard that we both black out on stage.

 

d

 

 

 

Not gonna lie. That hot girl in the pink started dancing and I may have squirted some water out of my plastic flower.

 

 

rd3

 

 

 

Yeah. I’m pretty sure I spent all day pretty feeting through hot animal poop just so I could win this cheap a** little toy crown.

 

 

 

Do you smell that?

It kind of smells like Aqua-Net and spray tan mist, with just a hint of steamed carrots, lettuce and those crunchy guinea pig pellets they sell in bulk at Petco.

Which can only mean one thing.

They’re baaaaack!

That’s right.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.  And this time they brought livestock.

After a brief hiatus so we could all check the gift registry down at the Kuntry Stoe and use our “Plus One” invitation to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Commitment Ceremony, everyone’s favorite unspoken guilty pleasure returned this week and took us straight to the barnyard without skipping a beat.

All the glitter and glitz was back, along with a few cameo guest appearances and two hotel workers who drew the short straw and got put on pooper scooper duty.

It was the Me And My Pet Pageant, courtesy of Director Jill Worley and MidAmerica Pageants.  Kids, sugar and animals.  What could possibly go wrong?

Jill was still fairly low key as far as Pageant Directors go, and basically just laid out the rules for any slow pokes out there who couldn’t actually figure out on their own what might go down at a Me And My Pet Pageant.

But I like Jill.  When I go clubbing with all my rowdy pageant friends, Jill would be more of the designated driver type while Tonya Bailey and Annette Hill are up on the speakers making it rain down on some strippers.

I’m sure Jill would loosen up eventually after a few Diet Cokes, though.

She was nice and had the same haircut that Carrie Underwood had in one of her videos.  Jill was pretty darn excited about the ginormous Old McDonald crown and the fact that the judges would not be deducting any points for pooping on the floor, which I thought was a good call given the lines in hotel restrooms, until I realized that she was referring to the animals and not the hair and makeup people.

dd

My bad.

The first wannabe princess we met was 4 year old Rainbow Dash and Mom Rachelle.

You heard me.  Rainbow Dash.  Like the My Little Pony pony.  Because she looooooves My Little Pony stuff.  Especially Rainbow Dash.

Not sure how that whole cartoon name thing is going to hold up in college, but for now I guess it’s a good thing that the little tyke is enamored with animated equines and not Optimus Prime or something.

Mom was a big, sassy lady who I could totally see raising the roof at church every Sunday if she hadn’t been excommunicated for raising a heathenistic little pageant girl.

Seriously?  It’s 2013, people.

To rub salt in the wound, Mom was a PK…ie…Preacher’s Kid…and got the boot even though her father was a man of the church.  Go figure.

But it wasn’t stopping RB from rockin’ a drum solo and then wailing “Yes, Jesus Loves Me” while the rest of the family did exactly what you’d expect a good church going family to do once the electric organ gets warmed up.

Take it to church, Girlfriend.  Just don’t go inside.

Rainbow Dash was a cutie, and looked like a miniaturized CNN weekend news anchor with her blown out hair and jacket/tie combo.  You could tell she gets it from her Mama.

Next up was 4 year old Gabby and Grandma Teresa.  Not NiNi or NeNe or NaNa or NooNoo or nuthin’.  Just Grandma.

Grandma was large and in charge of the pageants, because Gabby’s Mom Alicia hated glitz pageants.  They’re all fakey fake with their fake hair and fake teeth and fake tans and fake fakiness.

Fake.  Fake.  Fake.  And then for those of you who may have missed it, she said it about 29 more times.  Fake.

t0

Gabby was a nugget of a little blonde thing, all sing-songy and gassy as she shook her poor guinea pig Puddinin (…that’s not a typo.  Puddininininin….) until you could hear marbles jiggling in his head.  She even managed to knock the poo right out of him as the poor guy got car sick and honked out a little pellet of his own right there on the carpet.

Luckily for all of us who sit too close to our television screens, TLC thoughtfully covered up Pud’s junk with one of those Walmart Lower Price smiley face stickers so we didn’t have to actually watch a guinea pig take a toot in hi-def.

We also learned that Gabby’s flatulence reeked of carrots and lettuce, which I guess is probably something we should know in case we ever need to rescue her from an underground coal mine collapse in the middle of the night…but it didn’t feel very crucial to the current pageant storyline.

Seriously, a couple more fart jokes and subtitles this week and I would have sworn I was still watching Honey Boo Boo eating ribs.

The third and final contestant was 3 year old pipsqueak Lily and Mom Brittany.

Not only did Lily have one of the best cartoon voices ever, but she also had her own miniature horse.  A real one.  That she bought with her own money.

Shut the barn door.  Literally.

I can’t even pay my cable bill on time and a 3 year old is buying a real live racehorse with Ultimate Supreme cash?  Take that, Rainbow Dash.

And sign me up for this gig.  I want a pony, too.

Blackjack the Horse came with his own Zorro background music and one of those purple ski masks that made it look like he had some kind of super powers that would soon be revealed on stage.  I hoped he could talk.  That would be so cool.

Since Lily and Mom just happened to have a horse laying around the house, they had decided to use him in the pageant as part of their Afro Circus routine.

(The Madagascar movie song and dance number, not one of Al Sharpton‘s press conferences.  Just to clarify.)

rd

They even had a technicolor afro wig for Blackjack to wear during the show, hoping that a slow moving miniature pony wearing a gay pride weave could duplicate a polka dotted zebra standing on his back legs doing Michael Jackson moves.  We’ll have to see.

While Lily squeaked around the stables, we dashed back over to Rainbow Dash’s house for a major plot twist.

Rainbow Dash was ALSO doing an Afro Circus routine.

Shut.  Up.

But instead of a horse, RB was going to dress up her Dad Daniel (…who I believe only blinked a total of 7 times the entire episode…) like a crazy clown and have him assist while their little pocket dog Titi pretended he was in the circus.  The Afro one.

Dad reminded me of the short guy from Fresh Prince of Bel Air a little bit as he worked himself into an anxiety attack over standing on stage holding a hula hoop.

Chillax, dude.  You got this.

And then it was Katie Boyer Time!!!

We love pageant coach Katie and her Katie’s Kuties.

She’s your typical girl next door who you know spends waaay too much time texting her girlfriends from the mall and is the one who always silently mouths “OMG!” and then hits you whenever a hot waiter turns his back to the table.

Katie loves her kids, but hates those animal pageants.  Don’t make me touch that thing.

Note to self:  Return the iguana you bought Katie for Christmas.

After putting Gabby through some finger kisses and guinea pig shakes, Katie got in her Tiara Teleportation Device and was suddenly across town helping out Lily with her routine.

Oooh, girl.  Double dippin’ in the pageant pool.  You go.

mm

The most memorable part of the scene (…aside from Katie, of course…) was whatever the f*** was going on with Pageant Life Coach Aunt Sissy‘s hair.

Seriously.  That was some solid work up there.  You know Katie was dying to touch it.

I’m thinking that Sissy might be the one we send over to Syria to look for all those atomic bombs, because even if she finds one and it blows up in her face, that hair ain’t going anywhere.

Well played, ma’am.  Just don’t get me started on Life Coaches.

Finally, it was Showtime!

But first…can we just talk about what kind of hotel lets farm animals run wild through the hallways?  I mean, Blackjack just strolled through the lobby like he was going to the desk to confirm his wakeup call and ask that an iron be sent upstairs.

It’s bad enough getting stuck with a room by the ice machine.  Can you even imagine the smell?  That place better be putting extra chocolate on my pillow if I know there’s a llama in the next room.

The hair and makeup sessions were the usual chaos.  Nothing new to report.

Somehow Gabby’s dress didn’t fit correctly and they had to poach a second one from Lily’s suitcase.  Why do these people always wait until their number is being called to actually try lacing up the back for the first time?

Eventually everyone was wearing something and Jill could get the party started.

Complete with cameo guest appearances galore, which made me realize that I have been watching this show for way too many years.

Little Miss Ava Claire was giving the judges some side eye, but I almost missed her behind all of Mom’s big a** hair.  Hey, Jessica!

Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki Santiago was also standing off to the side deciding which young child to take back into the bowels of the Earth when crowning was done, which explained all the nervous animal pee that was going on in the holding area.

Just speaking for myself, I know that every time I see Nikki I need to put down some fresh newspapers under my Lazy Boy…just in case.

t2

Even one half of the Tiara Twins, Giavanna, was standing on stage watching her Dad get his eye poked out by a completely panic stricken peacock.  It was like that Alfred Hitchcock movie, except Ron screamed more than Tippi Hedren did when she got attacked.

I should also point out that Tiara Twins Mom Kelly just stood there and watched it all happen without lifting a finger, because I think she was still mad at Ron for that time he pulled her top up on national television.

The Beauty portion was the usual.  Stop.  Start.  Forget.

The Me and My Pet part was when the crowd woke up.

Rainbow Dash’s take on the Afro Circus was basically her Dad getting down with his bad self in big shoes.  Something tells me that’s not the last we’ve seen of Krumpy the Klown, yo.

After evacuating the first two floors of the hotel to prevent any potential running of the bulls, Brittany finally got Blackjack up on stage for Lily’s routine.

And then Katie danced behind the judges.

Crazy White Girl Dancing.  The kind of dancing that becomes the stuff of urban legends.

And screensavers.

Gabby didn’t have much better luck with Puddininininin who made a quick appearance and then hid behind a pile of maxi-pads for the rest of the show.

Did I forget to mention that Mom had lined his barnyard prop with maxi-pads just in case he…well…never mind.  If you have enough maxi-pads on hand to fill a barn, then we have bigger problems than a shy guinea pig.

And then some kids won some stuff.

But not the stuff they wanted to win.  Google it.

Right now, everyone back to the barn for a quick Tinker Tea nightcap and then hit the hay.  It’s been a long one.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

tt1

Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s Boogie Shoes And Performance Enhancing Pixie Stix When Bailey’s Pageants Goes Disco.

Friday, June 7th, 2013

t

 

 

Shut Up with these sick shoes. I am so totally wearing them to the next Real Housewives of Texas Reunion Show.

 

 

t5

 

 

 

Hand to Gawd. It’s only sweet tea, soda, pixie stix and that stuff they give to greyhounds before the race starts.

 

jj

 

 

 

 

Bitch, please.

 

 

 

 

db

 

 

 

Oh yeah. Dat’s what I’m talkin’ about. Who’s yer Daddy? These’ll make you spit your cupcakes out, ladies. Pow. Pow.

 

a3

 

 

 

Srsly. Is it just me, or does that man with the Popeye arms smell like baby oil and Axe sport spray?

 

 

 

t6

 

 

Ok. Don’t tell JD, but I tried that Tinker Tea and that s*** is off the hook. My hair was straight when I woke up this morning.

 

 

al

 

 

Whatchoo lookin’ at? Hell, yeah I’m drinking straight sugar out of a sippy cup. Maybe you should just find your seat, cuz it’s Go Time.

 

 

 

 

Umm…yeah.

So Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Is there a problem?  Cuz if there is, maybe we should just take this outside and settle it.

Or maybe over there by the weight bench, and see who can max out on tricep dips.

Gold’s Gym or Bailey’s Pageants.  What’s it gonna be, you little pussy?

Whoa.

Sorry.  Didn’t mean to get so aggressive.  Apparently I’m still coming down from either Roid Rage or Pixie Pump, because this week’s premiere was definitely jacked up on sumthin.  Biceps and Booties were literally poppin’ up and out everywhere you looked.

And except for the sudden crash after the closing credits, you know I love me some Toddlers & Tiaras.  Not to mention platform shoes.  And Tonya Bailey.

So when Bailey’s Pageants put ’em all together for the Disco Fever Pageant…it was an incurable case of Boogie Fever.

Pageant Director Tonya got the disco ball rolling by explaining how this whole extravaganza was gonna go down.  And it was gonna go down hard.

The pageant was full Glitz, and if you don’t know what that means by now, there’s really not much I can offer you this late in the game.  Sparkle and Tans and Big Hair and Glitter and Confetti and Laser Tag and who knows what else.  Just make it Glitz.

Tonya always gets really excited over her pageants.  Like wide eyed excited, which is how you should get if you just spent all that money on Ramada security.  And this time, since she wasn’t wearing her signature Swarovski crystal pirate eye patch, you could really see her enthusiasm.

Sometimes she reminds me of a long lost friend who is so excited to see you that she forgets to blink, and other times I flash back to the look your Mom gave you when she first found that Playboy magazine under your mattress.  Hypothetically, of course.

But either way, Tonya was excited to be getting her disco down.

t3

Not only is Tonya big on eyes, but she’s also big on props.  And this time it was a Studio 54 Jimmy Choo stiletto.  Thank you Disco, for this shoe…which…umm…ok.

It was really more the kind of shoe that you’d thank your pimp for, but whatever…she’s paying.  She can thank the Academy if she wants to.  She’s Tonya.

The Grand Supreme deep dish winner this week was going home with…well…with basically a second summer home, I guess.  A ginormous (…say it with me…) $15,000 toy house from Lilliput Play Homes, and the thing was massive.

One:  Tonya.  Honey.  Where the hell are you supposed to put that monster?  You tell me half the Moms weren’t throwing the score just so they didn’t have to tear down the garage to make room for that thing.  I couldn’t afford the property taxes, much less the zoning ordinance fees.

Two:  Props to the dude from Lilliput Play Homes who had to walk around in public with a button down shirt that said Lilliput Play Homes on it and not get beat up on the playground.

Our first little princess was 2 year old Alexa and Mom Tori.  Seriously cute.

She had the kind of face you just wanted to squish it was so cute.  But you’d have to catch her first.  And good luck with that, because Mom puts Super Premium in her tank.

Alexa drinks coffee.  Just one cup a day, though.  Since she was 9 months old.

That’s right.  I didn’t even know what my own toes were used for when I was 9 months old, but apparently Alexa knows how to place an order at Starbucks.  Mom said one cup was not an abundancy, which rhymes with redundancy…and neither word makes sense.

Clearly, through the magic of television editing, it looked like Alexa slugged it down from morning to night, with no caffeinated nap time in the middle.  But if that was the case, we’d be trying to track her down on America’s Most Wanted or she’d be running the Olympics next to Usain Bolt, and neither of those things happened during the episode.

But Mom clearly loved her daughter, and that’s always the most important thing if I’m gonna sit through all this crazy every week.  All the parents did.  And supporting your kids is key.  You heard it here first.

a2

Alexa also talked in the best baby gibberish.  Evah.  And it needs to be my new outgoing voice mail message immediately.  Sorry I can’t come to the play in the water look so listen no I don’t…..unicorn.  Beep.

I have no idea what she said for most of the show, and it usually had nothing to do with the subject at hand or the questions she was asked.  But who cares?  When TLC waves the white flag and doesn’t even try to subtitle her ramblings ten minutes into the show, then you know it’s good stuff.  Did I mention cute?

Down the road a bit they were a little more focused, thanks to protein shakes, ginseng and grilled chicken with the skin off.

Between reps in her Fisher Price gym, we met 4 year old Brooke, Stepmom Linda and Dad Lou Ferrigno, better known as JD.

Dad liked to Pump.  It.  Up.

He was a competitive bodybuilder who only believed in extreme lifting, extreme healthy eating and those extreme animal print MC Hammer pants that they all wear down at Mike’s Gym.

Granted, we never actually saw him rocking any Zubaz (…please tell me that someone else remembers those…) but you know he totally had a pair in the closet hidden behind a FedEx box from BodyBuilding.com.  Linda was a fitness model and Brooke got Muscle Milk if she didn’t mess up her practice sessions.  Booyeah.

JD pretty much sealed his fate in the pageant world by blatantly making fun of thick girls and Honey Boo Boo‘s Mom before reenacting the opening sequence of a He-Man cartoon.  It wasn’t pretty.  And he swore that he didn’t like to judge people.  But when your biceps are bigger than your head, I guess you sometimes say things that really piss off everyone in line at Walmart.

The last contestant this week was sassy 3 year old Janeyah and Mom #1 Toya and Mom #2 Naye Naye.

I know, right?  Two Moms.  Dos Mamás.  How progressive.

They totally looked like they should be sharing the middle box in Hollywood Squares back in the day, like those two whacky ladies from 227 or something.

j4

(OMG.  If your favorite show right now is Bunheads, you may have to Google it to get that last joke.  But trust me…a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there were non-HD sitcoms.  I swear.  And you couldn’t watch them online.)

Mom and Mom were like VH1 meets BET meets LOGO TV.  And they were a hoot.

Janeyah (…JaNEIGHaah…not Jane-Yeah like some internet doofs were saying after the show…) was diva sassy sassy diva all the way.  She kept saying “Spread Your Leg Out” which had something to do with disco I assumed, but it reminded me too much of NeNe Leakes telling Kim Zolciak to “Close Your Legs To Married Men” on one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Shows, and before you knew it the whole NeNe vs. Naye Naye thang got me so confused I had to walk away for a second.

Mom 1.0 had Type 2 Diabetes and tried to pay attention to what Janeyah ate so she didn’t overdo the sugar intake, which was a smart move.  Just a thought, but she might want to avoid any future play dates with Alexa just to be safe.  I’m sure that JD, on the other hand, would be more than happy to have GiGi (…why isn’t it JayJay?…) come over and learn how to use his Montel Williams juicer.  Or she could join them at the roller disco, because that totally happened before the pageant.

Speaking of Alexa.  After she had drained her Box o’ Joe, Mom whipped up another special cocktail to get her through some mid-day pageant rehearsing.

Go-Go Juice is so 2012, people.  It’s all about the Tinker Tea now.  Soda, sweet tea and a 12 pixie stix shooter.

BOOM goes the dynamite.

Alexa tore through Amber Tatum‘s dance studio like Speedy Gonzales in a hair bow until somebody suddenly hit the Pause button on her DVR and she just stopped moving.

NASA calls it a crash & burn, I believe.

Amber said working with Alexa while she was tanked up on TT was like trying to put two cats in a bag, which I thought was a little goofy, since I don’t think putting one in a bag would be any easier.  Two cats would be a bit of an abundancy, don’t you think?

tb2

The other little princesses also worked on their routines a bit, but nothing too jaw dropping hit the screen other than Janeyah singing “We’re going to the pageant” so many times that I thought Mom 2.0 was going to tape her up inside that giant box they were gift wrapping for the stage.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Tonya showed us the difference between a fake smile and a real smile, which turned out to be no difference, and then we got down to disco bidnez.

(Side note:  I was oddly fascinated by those gigantic sparkly crowns that had a little disco ball dingle dangling in the middle like a Charlie Brown tree.  I kinda need one, for some reason.  And I have a huge head, so they may have finally found someone who fits into those things.)

My boy Todd Bailey was back as emcee.  Still looking like the lost Backstreet Boy with those frosted tips, he’s my new spotter at the gym.  He just doesn’t know it yet.

Not gonna lie…now that I know he’s actually Tonya’s husband and not some  young lover that she picked up in the hair care aisle on Cougar Double Coupon Day, I’m a little bummed.  In my head it was such a great story that I may still use it anyway.  She could be lying, right?

Alexa looked like Kellie Pickler sucking down Tinker Tea at the CMAs.  Her one-on-one interview spots pretty much gave me life.

Janeyah brought her “A” Game and had some pretty sassy Showtime at the Apollo hair going on up there.  She froze on stage for a second in the Beauty part, but the two Hollywood Squares ladies snapped her out of it pretty quickly.

Brooke was really dragging.  And crying.  And since JD had banned all unnatural pixie stix from their medicine cabinet, he and Linda scooted her into the ladies room (…ie…out of sight from what must have been a male camera guy…) and pumped her full of a mystery beverage that looked a lot like Red Bull on a foggy day.  At first I thought it was just my eyes glassing over from all the aerosol and glitter at the hotel, but then I realized that they blurred out the label.  But it was Red Bull.

Go read the online stories about Red Bull.  Something about Vietnam and heads bursting off at the neck or something.  I’ll stick with my Tinker Tea, thanks.

t2

The Disco Wear portion was exactly what we’ve all come to expect from the Disco Wear portions.  Except for JD, who jumped up on stage to assist Brooke in her routine.

Wearing nothing but an afro wig and Under Armour man panties, he flexed and did pushups and basically forgot that it was supposed to be Brooke’s day to shine.  I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow Tonya’s eyes got even bigger, and one lady in the audience fell out of her banquet chair.

Maybe it was just me, but with that nappy ‘fro and that roll-on, spray-on tan that they use for body building shows, he almost looked like Al Jolsen on steroids.  Am I right?

Pageant Mammy, how I love you.

It’s 2013.  I don’t know if I’d be taking that act on the road anytime soon, dude.

Brooke’s real Mom Vanessa showed up to watch her daughter compete, and after the musclepalooza she pretty much let the world know she thought her ex-husband was a Dbag.  She didn’t come right out and say it, but when a person swallows their gum, rolls their eyes and then says that “Yeah…he’s…umm…he’s something alright” you pretty much know she de-friended him on Facebook and threw out the two pair of lifting gloves that he left at her place.

Everyone did their thing.  And then some kids won some stuff.

None of the three tiny tots won that summer home.  They were all bummed.  But it is what it is, so build a pillow fort like the rest of us and get over it.

What really mattered was that waaaay in the background during the crowning flashmob was crazy Jessica McClamroch and all her crazy Mom hair and baby Ava.

Hey, Girlfriend.  Nice herrrrr!

Yup.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Wednesdays.  9pm.

And Tinker Tea and crumpets at noon, of course.  Cuz we’re klassy like dat.

Sparkle, baby.

a7

Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s A Hair Raising Countdown Flashback. Jessica And Justin Get All Frizzy And Fierce, Girl.

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

JESSIs your wiglet a little wobbly?

Are your fake falls freaking you out?

Is your Miss America arm flapping around like it’s attached to an air traffic controller?

Well, then it must be time for another Toddlers & Tiaras flashback.

Because that’s what we do.  Especially when there’s still a week to kill until Season 6 SparkleSplats across our TV screen with all new episodes.

Lucky for all of us, there appears to be a limitless supply of  leftovers in the pageant pantry for everyone to nosh on one mo’ time.

Like Jessica and baby Ava and all that luxuriously awesome hair.  One of my favorite Moms evah.  Remember her?

Love me some Jessica.  Everything about her was big.

Like Best Buy TV big.  That big.

Big Personality.  Big Laugh.  Even bigger Hair.

Apparently, even her credit card bill from HomeGoods was pretty substantial.

I mean.  C’mon.  Everywhere you looked there was a rooster or sunflower or country sumthin sumthin from that front aisle when you first walk in the store.  If she doesn’t invite me over pretty soon for homemade lemonade and fresh snacks from the Farmer’s Market, I’m going to take it personally.

Big Butt jokes aside, she definitely got it from her Mama.

The personality, I mean.  Because Nana or Namna or Ninja or whatever Klingon name she had given herself…Grandma was just as much of a hoot.  And I’m a big fan of the Hoot DNA being passed down from generation to generation.

Dancing around the living room like she had all six numbers for Powerball, Nimna Helen made me love her right there on the spot.

Rocking out with that side to side arm thing that Bon Jovi always does in concerts, Helen swished her snappy Kohl’s sweater all around the living room like a Boss.

Namajama loved her pageants.

So did Mom Jessica, and she didn’t care what anyone else thought.  No ma’am.  And that was cool beans with me, because Jessica could do no wrong in my book.

Seriously.  Only a woman with that big a personality could anchor down that much hair without falling over backwards.  Months later, I still rewind the DVR and have no idea what a person does to make all that happen on their head every morning.  It must be like a sculptor creating a masterpiece out of clay, or something.

Except that this one is inexplicably created with just a full red CVS basket of hair care products that somehow allow Jessica to counteract the gravitational pull of the Earth.

Bucket List:  Spend one night at an ’80s Hair Band Tribute in the mosh pit with Jessica.

And live to tell the story.

And then there was that rogue housefly who took over her on-camera interview.

A classic television moment that will go down in history alongside Lucy & Ethel in the chocolate factory and pretty much everything…ever…from The Carol Burnett Show.

From that moment on, it was clear that I would always greet Jessica with a smile, open arms…and a closed screen door.

Cuz it’s mosquito season.

And I don’t want people thinking it’s nasty up in here.

FIERCEAnd speaking of fruit flies.

Remember Justin?

Justin Fierce.

From Fierce by Justin?

Like Bond.  James Bond.  But slightly sassier.

Part Muppet, part Annette Funicello and 99% strip mall Drag Diva, Justin was brought in by Grandma Pam to show little Ariana how to werk the runway for her upcoming pageant.

I don’t even know where to start, and it’s been like 100 years since the episode originally aired.  I should have been able to process all this by now.

I guess we could start with that weave.

Justin’s hair was equally as fascinating as Jessica’s, but for all the wrong reasons.  I’m still not really sure what was going on up there, with that odd combination of twisted hemp rope, Brillo and those headbands they always put on bald babies.

But he was Fierce.  Totz fierce, all you West Virginian Bitches.

From the neck up, anyway.  From the neck down he looked a little more like one of those customers at Hooter’s who keeps trying to cop a feel.

Yeah.  Justin was an odd juxtaposition of Fabulous and Flea Market.

But it took someone as fierce as Justin to stand up to Ya Ya Pat, her Pittsburgh Steelers mascot headgear and that crazy a** puppy tee shirt.

Honestly, if I was trapped in an elevator with both Ya Ya and Menomena Helen, my head would explode before we ever made it to the lobby.  It was that good.

Ya Ya was a spitfire, and it was clear that she could wreck the place on Bingo Night without ever putting down her Solo cup.

As Justin back kicked and lip licked his way around the back yard, Ya Ya ate it up with a spoon while Ariana tried to figure out how to butch it up a little before she hit the stage.

Dude.  The kid’s just going to walk around the Ramada in a cupcake dress, not headline in Vegas.  And she’s like 9 or something.

Clearly, Justin’s over the shoulder facial techniques were designed to score both points from the judges and free drinks at the club.

Needless to say, I’ve been practicing all the variations that he laid out in his tutorial and I’ll let you know how they go this weekend.  Daddy’s either gonna land some cocktails, a black eye or a night in jail.

Stay tuned.

And there you go.  Another round of flashbacks to get you through the dry spell.

Don’t worry.  All the glitz and guilty glam that you’ve come to know and love will be back soon enough.  And then the party really starts.

Until then, put your hands up in the air and wave ’em around like you got Grandma hair.

Whoop Whoop.  Who let the flies in?

jess2


%d bloggers like this: