Posts Tagged ‘John Culbertson’

Dance Moms: The In10sity Wasn’t Just On The Ohio Stage This Week. Maddie And Gino Sitting In A Tree…

Friday, August 8th, 2014

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Just so we’re clear. You’re a guest in my house. And my hair was straight when I walked in the door.

 

 

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It’s easy, sweetie. I just always pretend there’s frosting on his face like this… Nom Nom Nom.

 

 

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Now we’re talking. Lemme just put some new elastics on my braces and we’ll start this party.

 

 

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Yeah. Not so much. But if I could pry Kendall’s Mom off Zac Efron? Totes McGotes yeah.

 

 

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Long as everyone’s handing out kisses, somebody with sunglasses on her head is wearing flavored Chapstick.

 

 

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I hope I don’t hurt any of the kids when I throw myself through that plate glass window.

 

 

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I dunno. I can’t explain my hair, either. The box said it was easy but I didn’t have time to read the directions.

 

 

 

It’s true, you know.

Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

And girls make crazy faces when kissing boy’s braces.  Or something like that.

I forget exactly how it goes.  But regardless, you heard it here first.

Dance Moms was back this week and clearly our little bunheads are growing up.  Gone are the days of just counting how many somersaults Mackenzie can do before she loses another baby tooth on stage.  Now her name is MackZ, yo.  She’s got some pretty substantial Big Girl teeth coming in and an iTunes download moving up the charts.

Then there’s Maddie in that punk white Sia wig, getting all tangled up in hotel curtains, clinging to music video door frames and just generally freaking me out a little.

I mean, did you see her in that skin colored leotard getting all jiggy wid it?  Next thing you know she’ll be kissing boys, I tell you.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

First things first.  Which is always The Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for another round of geometric humiliation, it was obvious that the herd had thinned a bit.  After scooping up their second First Place trophy in two weeks, the New Team had already been given a week off as a reward for their hard work.

Really?  Two weeks on.  One week off?  Not a bad gig if you can get it.  Where do I sign?

Hopefully, the New Team was putting the time off to good use.

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I’m thinking the Mall, maybe.

Jeanette‘s lawyer had mentioned to me in the Cease & Desist paperwork that she wanted to hit up some legging/jegging sales at (…anywhere but…) Forever 21, so this week was probably as good a time as any to get it done.  Tami definitely needed some new pants, because I can’t imagine that she wears those booty shorts year round.  I remember seeing on the Weather Channel that it gets really cold in Pittsburgh.

And you know Tracey needed to get something done with that bald spot in the back of her head.  There can’t be anything left back there after Tami snatched it during that whole front desk football tackle fiasco last week.

As for the other two Moms, Loree clearly already goes to Ann Taylor Loft every week, so she probably wouldn’t be tagging along.  And I’m sure Jodi was tied up helping Kamryn prepare for her bar exam or city council campaign or whatever the hell Little Miss OverAchiever 2014 was doing to keep herself busy during the break.

We love Kammie, if that’s her nickname.  Or the Kia Kamster, which I prefer.

Moral of the story:  All the newbies were MIA.

Except for shaky pup Sarah H., that is.  She stuck around as a “guest” of the Original Recipe Team this week.  Which meant that her Mom Christy (…with a Y…) also somehow snuck back in the building when Security went outside for a cigarette.

I’m thinking that even Abby is getting tired of the Pyramid lately, because once again it was just a straight line of photos with one straggler above the rest.  Seriously.  I could have done that myself with a yardstick and some double stick tape.

The entire Original Recipe Team was on the bottom because of their (…alleged…) bad attitude, both on and off the stage, when the New Team scored First Place last week.

Which meant that Sarah was on top by default, since she had performed with the winning group.  Which also meant that Holly and her soon-to-be patented HollyFace got all like SayWhaaa-?! and my MomCrush Jill did that eye roll thing that makes her bangs flick.

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Did I already mention that it was also National Dress Your Mom In Black And White And Take Her To Work Day?  Because it totally was.

Every single Mom.  Black and White.  Like they were doing back-up for the Rhythm Nation Tour or something.  Even that New Mom.

And she had on horizontal stripes, which…well, you know…

This week they were headed to In10sity Dance Competition in Cleveland, Ohio.  Candy Apple’s turf.  Cue the drama.

The group routine was called “Broken Dolls” since…der…they were all broken dolls after losing two weeks in a row.  The Moms felt that the girls were neither broken dolls nor sore losers, but had simply seen through Abby’s SetUpToFail master plan and reacted realistically when the results were announced.

Abby felt that she should just ignore their completely logical point of view and instead pimp out her recent appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few hundred times.

If you didn’t take a shot every time she mentioned DWTS and pass out before the first commercial break, then you learned that there was also going to be a DWTS-inspired duet entitled “That Girl Has Got To Be Kissed” starring Maddie and…wait for it…Gino Cosculluela.  (Insert tweeny bop swoon here, please: ____________ )

Gino is a tiny little charmer who looks like a CNN anchor and used to dance up in Ohio at the Evil Dance Lair.   He also always freaks out my Macbook’s auto spellcheck.  His Dad Mickey (…like the Mouse…) got a little nutty on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein the last time we saw him but apparently had not been buried alive behind the Beef Jerky Outlet as reported previously.

If Mickey was a Bronx Butcher he would totally be the kind of Bronx Butcher who throws meat against the wall if the cut isn’t right and then says something bad with his hands.

Father and Son would be arriving later.  Hold that thought.

Meanwhile, up in Ohio, Cathy was wasting no time getting right down to business.

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And under Abby’s skin.

She was also messing up my television’s HD color balance buttons a little with whatever was going on with that new hair cut of hers.  Whoa.  It was like her original striped crazy hair was back, but cranked up a notch or two with the addition of a few chunky pieces that the stylist forgot to snip off.  Sometimes it even looked like she had just ripped the bleaching cap off out back and ran in for her scenes.  Looking a little moist up there.

One of the dreamy Nicks on her team was off in Spain doing something this week.  And Zack Attack Torres was doing something extra curricular with his dance, which I thought was strange since I always considered dance to already be extra curricular.  But whatever.

So in their place were newbies Evan and Alyssa.  A duet team to go up against the ALDC duet team, of course.

Evan was a cutie who kind of looked like he was wearing fake 1920’s hair and should have a Clark Gable mustache if he was old enough to grow one.  His Mom Vida had those big earrings you buy on Martha’s Vineyard when it’s too rainy to go to the beach.

Alyssa looked like she could be on DWTS in a few years (…shotski!…) but her Mom Meredith looked too young to actually be her Mom.  I’m going to need to see her driver’s license and then find out what moisturizer she uses.

The only two recognizable Moms left at the CADC were Brigette and Joanne.  We like Brigette because she’s always posting Twitter pictures and her kids are Lady Killers.  And of course we like Jo because she flipped every switch in the building that time Lucas called her kid a pissy little bitch, or whatever it was he said.

Chaos Cathy also had to finagle a new guest choreographer this time around since she had made Anthony Burrell so mad that he took off to do that Raising Asia Show.  And this time it was a doozy:  John Culbertson.

He’s the gentleman who may or may not have noodled Abby back in the day (…she does like her boys named John…) and has a Crest White Strips smile that won’t go away.  I’m sure you’ll remember him when you see him.  I don’t know if he bleaches his teeth or just always has a Miami tan, but you could read books without a nightlight if he was under the covers smiling up at you.

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And that totally didn’t come out the way I intended it, but you get where I was going with it.

The next day it was National Dress Your Mom In Pastels And Take Her To Work Day as the ALDC ladies hit the MomPerch during rehearsals.

According to the Frazier Frizz-O-Meter, the stress level had dramatically increased in only 24 hours.  I will go to my grave believing that the more curl in Dr. Beyoncé‘s hair: the more anxiety in the room.  You are welcome to  go back and check the tapes from any previous season if you don’t believe me and my completely unscientific research claims.

Maybe I should have Kamryn do a thesis on it or something.  It’ll give her something to do after she splits a few atoms in the lab and lands on Pluto.

As soon as Christ-y All Might-y started doing what she does best, Holly was all like “You’re a guest and that’s how it works.”  Two snaps.  Now hand me my hot rollers.

Back in Ohio, John was still smiling.

And then Maddie kissed Gino.  Eventually, anyway.

First they had to dork all over each other and giggle and run away to get Cootie Shots and then come back and wait for Maddie to completely melt down while Gino stood there looking like he’d just seen his first Playboy magazine.  Slow it down and re-watch it a few times.  If you don’t have acid flashbacks to your first cafetorium dance, then you’re lying.

You also know that Gino’s gonna put his retainer in that little black t-shirt pocket when it’s supposed to be in his mouth.

Finally, it was Kiss Time!  And they did it.  On the lips.  And then Maddie guaranteed Gino about 17 years of psychological shock therapy by running out of the studio like some rabid raccoon had jumped out of a garbage can and bitten her straight in the face.

Gah.  Chicks.

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As the competition date grew closer, rehearsals finished up just under the wire as Christ-y kept getting more and more un-Christ-y like with Mickey.  She went a few rounds with him over whether Gino or Sarah should become part of the ALDC crew before he bailed on that crazy bitch and went downstairs to show Gino how a real man kisses the owner of a dance studio.

Wait.  What?

Thank you Christ-y for stopping that one before it burned into my plasma screen.  Mickey wet kissing Abby is not something I need in my life right now, thank you.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Since the event was being held in Ohio, all the Candy Apple groupies were on site with their hilariously bedazzled glitter glue poster paper signs and high pitched screams.  Something about how Brigette was carrying her giant coffee cup into the building also struck me as funny.  Not sure why.

Once everyone got settled into their makeup rooms, Abby found out that one of her many Johns was in the building and scooted out into the lobby for an emotionless hug.  Hope she didn’t get any of that fake tan on her during that fake hug.

(Come on.  JC had to be wearing some bronzer.  That tan was way too perfect, even by Miami standards.  Ask Brigette.  He was the same color as her Starbucks.)

I’m just jealous, Johnny.  Still friends?

Evan and Alyssa’s duet was great.  She was all flowy and fluttery.  He was all business on the top, party on the bottom.  How he managed to score a pair of Tami’s booty shorts in his size is beyond me.

Dude.  Not cool.  Not even with a fake mustache.  I don’t ever want to see those again.

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Maddie and Gino made out (…pun totally intended…) just fine in their DWTS-inspired duet.  With his little pink tie, Gino looked even more like he should be sitting in for Anderson Cooper while he’s on assignment in Istanbul.  Propped up on a couple of phonebooks, Gino totally has the forehead for news.

Both groups did well.  The Candy Apples “Conspiracy” dance looked like a bunch of Sheraton Bell Boys who had accidentally stumbled upon enemy secrets when somebody’s suitcase popped open in the elevator.  It was pretty slick.

The ALDC girls were broken ballerina dolls, complete with pink tutus and Pinocchio elbow joints.  Unfortunately, Chloe fell in slow motion coming out of a turn and that got Abby a little twisted in the audience.

But it didn’t effect their score, because the busted ballet took First Place, with the Candy Apples coming in Second Place.

The results were reversed in the Duet category, however, partly due to Gino showing too much CNN face and not enough of the ALDC version.  Abby didn’t like that and demanded that Gino and his Dad immediately evacuate the premises like they had just stolen something.  Not even a goodbye kiss.  After all that practice.

And then finally, since they were in Ohio and all, it was time for a quick hallway confrontation with Cathy.  The usual fat jokes and big nose jokes and then something about a $40 cow, which went right over my head since I’ve never priced cows in the open market.

There was also one of those plastic shelving units that Honey Boo Boo Child and her Mama use to stack all their mayonnaise directly behind all the Dance Moms while they were bickering.  It was for the Lost & Found, according to the sign, which I thought was odd since people could easily just walk right by and steal stuff off the shelves while everyone was looking at Cathy’s a**.

But I guess that would count as ‘Found.’

And then it was over for another week.

Until next time…

Muah.

Kisses.

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Dance Moms: Watch Your Back, Mack. Here Comes Asia, Booty Poppin’ Her Way Into The ALDC. She’s Baaaaack!

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

 

 

Mackenzie. Can you handle it? I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly, Boo.

 

 

 

 

 

First my foot. And now this. Boned twice in one week.

 

 

 

 

 

Seriously, JLo. Did you just tell me to Suck It in Korean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

그것을 빨아 줘, Bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh My God. Can I tell you how much I love this chick? She’s crazier than my hair.

 

 

 

 

Sometimes I am literally so overcome by my own good looks that I either burst into song or just smile really big.

 

 

 

 

Not gonna lie. I wouldn’t mind stuffing some of that and mounting it in my living room.

 

 

 

Ok.  This is the deal.

We need to skip all the fancy introductions and smooth segues into this week’s episode of Dance Moms and just get down to bidnezz, because there was so much tasty goodness going on that we can’t afford to waste any time.  We’ll get back to the drawn out skimmable stuff next time.  Grab some snacks.  It’s a long one.

Ladies & Gentlemen…Asia Monet Ray is back in the hizzle.

Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

The pint sized spitfire with the uncanny ability to booty pop sight right back into the eyeballs of a blind man made her triumphant return to AbbyLand this week.

You remember Asia.  She was the breakout star of Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, who shimmied her stuff in and out of lion cages and Wicked Witch trash bag couture so hard that I swore judge Richy Jackson was going to grow another index finger just so he could toss up a fierce three finger wave.

Shout out to Lady Gaga.  Werk.

But even the highly anticipated arrival of a four foot stick of dy-no-mite in a hair bow had to wait until the Maddie Memorial Pyramid of Shame was revealed.  Rules are still rules, people.

After hosing down all the competition with last week’s Fosse meets Flashdance routine, the ALDC was feeling pretty good as the girls all marched in to report for dance duty.

To shake things up a little, and at the same time prevent anyone from doing some quick math and realizing that there were more photos than girls adhered to the mirror, Abby Lee Miller started the whole process from the top down.

Because she’s crazy like that.

Numero uno spot was once again all about Maddie.  Feel free to feign some semblance of surprise and then enjoy a moment of light applause amongst yourselves.

Middle row was held down by Paige, Kendall and Chloe.

Paige did fine in the most recent competition, but her Mom Kelly still is not on Abby’s holiday card checklist, so second row is about all the poor thing should expect for a few more weeks.  Kendall was in the middle because she came in Third Place, which was pretty respectable.  But Third Place isn’t Second Place.  And that would have been better.  Chloe was in the middle for some reason, but I forget what it was.  Kelly was still talking about Paige and it got me distracted.

Finally, the bottom row was reserved for Nia, MackenzieBrooke and the mystery photo.  Nia had done a great job but flown under Abby’s radar, while Mackadoodle shouldn’t have participated in the group number at all due the fact that she was still fairly height challenged when compared to the other girls.  And Brooke had been dismissed for a spelling test or prom or something, so she barely skewed the final scores since she never even joined them on the bus.

That left one photo still shrouded in secrecy.  Who could it be?  Was Sophia Lucia back from her World Domination Tour already?  Drumroll, please.

Unfortunately, the Lifetime promo department had been working overtime the last days and done everything in their power short of letting the sassy kid ring the opening bell on Wall Street, so it was a little anti-climactic.

Most of America already knew Asia “Oh Hey” Monet Ray was joining the team this week and that there was also going to be a new episode of Jennifer Love Hewitt‘s dirty little show.  DVRs had been set three days ago.

So.  Rip.  Taa-Daa.  Asia.

The kids all went OMG hyper spaz, except for Mackawhacka, who appeared to swallow her gum when she realized that this could potentially end her dance career faster than that extra bone, or toe, or whatever it is that has been going on with her foot this month.

Mom Melissa grabbed her ever-handy iPhone, crunched some numbers and also came to the realization that Asia’s imminent arrival may have just put the ALDC over its allowed quota for cute, spunky dancers.  Game On.

This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition in Highland, Michigan.  And so were those Candy Apple people.

That meant not only would Abby & Co. have to deal with the most inexpensive, poorly projected image backdrop in all of competitive dance, but also come face to face once again with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her newly formed Boy Band.

Losing was not going to be an option, girls.

The group routine was all about Reincarnation, and was for Big Girls only.  So no MackSmack.  And no Asia.  Sorry.  You need to be this tall to ride the ride.

Kendall, Maddie and Chloe scored a Trio.  Which is harder than a duet I hear.  And bottle rocket Asia, who had yet to even show up, was given a solo, which was good for a few Christi faces before the first commercial break.

As everyone waited for the Asia Bus to pull up to the bumper, we all scooted over to Ohio for some jazz hands and jerky at Canton’s very own flagship Apple Store.

According to Cathy’s oversized digital photo flip frame, her Pyramid consisted of Brandon, Gino and The Return of The Zackster, as well as top seeded Nick and his freakishly Stretch Armstrong hip flexors.

While Asia had been the breakout star of AUDC’s first season, Zack had clearly been the heartbreaker.  You do remember the mass hysteria when he was cut from the competition, right?  Holy Beatles first US appearance, Batman.  We need a medic in the lobby, stat.

If you’re still filling out your Dance Madness brackets, the tiny kid who always spun on his head was noticeably MIA this week.  No explanation.  And no high fives and chest bumps since Dad was also not in the building.  Maybe next time.

To guarantee a win at Energy, Cathy excitedly revealed her Secret Weapon.  You think T & A can sell it on stage?  Try T & T.

Tanning  & Teeth.  Guest Choreographer John Culbertson.

Looking like the guy in those backlit mall kiosk ads for one hour veneers, John popped up behind the Apple TV waving and smiling as though Cathy was pulling him in on a Grand Marshall parade float.  Dude was happy to be there.

Pop-an-artery-in-your-forehead kind of Happy.  And very tan.  Very happy and very tan.

Turns out that he likes to be called Mr. Dance of America, which I kinda felt was my thing when the DJ puts some records on and I dance with my baby.  But whatev.

He is also a close friend of Abby’s, so it was pretty clear that a few more people were going to risk stroking out before this competition was over.  And according to the photos on his Facebook page, Johnny also doesn’t like wearing shirts very much.  So tear it off like they do on the Chelsea Piers and let the games begin, I guess.

Back in PA, Asia finally arrived.

Boom.  Boom.  Pow.  Finally.  Thanks to AUDC, it has already been well documented that the best thing about Asia, besides her mini Destiny’s Child butt and that head bob thing she always does whenever she opens her mouth…is her Mom Kristie.

Love.  Her.  That’s Kristie with a K.  And Christi with a C was not likin’ it.  Not one bit.

Asia’s Mom, best known for not owning one single top in her closet with sleeves and always wearing ginormous Jennifer Lopez earrings, is also pretty famous for throwing down with that looney Mom Yvette back on AUDC (…”What?  You want some of this?  Hit me.  Hit me.  Go ahead.  Come at me”…)

Yeah.  Instead of the front door, Bitch could totally have entered the ALDC building through a cloud of Vegas stage fog.  Because she’s that bad a**.

I’ve already added her to the limited list of fierce Pageant Coaches and crazy Toddler Moms who I need to go clubbing with at some point before I die.

Kristie’s also pretty well known for never leaving the house without clutching a water bottle or Starbucks grandé sumthin sumthin.  She does like to stay hydrated.

Melissa started sweating it out, Kelly became immediately mesmerized by Kristie’s awesome sauce and The One that’s spelled with a C just made some more faces.

(Note:  Moving forward, to avoid any potential Kristie/Christie confusion, Christi with a C will be referred to as Christi.  Just like before.  The bad a** one will just be JLo, because deep down part of me still believes that’s who she really is and that starring in Dance Moms is the real reason she gave up American Idol.)

Up in the MomPerch, JLo threw herself to the wolves and let them have at her.  Melissa continued to pretend that she was not the least bit threatened by Asia, Kelly kept getting the giggles and Christi felt that Asia looked kinda naughty.  Jill couldn’t understand why the Team needed another dancer, Doctor Holly pretty much just phoned this episode in and JLo kept hydrated throughout the inquisition.

She and Asia had just returned from Korea, where they filmed television shows and did whatever it is that tiny little dancers do in Korea.  Asia had been so booked out (…dance term.  Google it, and don’t be jealz…) that she could not even compete in the past season.

That went over really well with the rest of the Moms.

At some point in the midst of all the hilarity, Abby had decided that she was probably going to have her dead dog Broadway Baby stuffed and then either placed on the mantle or mounted to the hood of her SUV because she was having a really hard time dealing with the passing of her puppy.  As the Moms were putting JLo through some freshman hazing on the bus, Abby visited a taxidermy joint to look at zebra heads and realistically posed action figure monkeys to see what they could do with her baby leftovers.

I feel for Abby, because I know how sad it is to lose a pet.  But as much as I loved my childhood dog, I was not in the mood to dust him every week and chase a marble eyeball under the couch every time it popped out.  That just creeps me out.

Save it for the Addams Family.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Abby arrived a little later than usual, due to her taxidermic side trip.  We’ll have to wait and see how that all worked out, even though for a brief second or two I did think that she had somehow magically resurrected Baby and brought him back to Earth in human form until I realized that it was just Asia running around in a puppy costume.  Then I also remembered that Baby had a bad hip and was always being pushed around in that Cabbage Patch stroller, so there is no way that it could have been him backin’ all dat up on stage.

As the competition began, the ALDC did their hallway gladiator stroll to the stage as Malibu John stretched out Nick in probably the most inappropriately awkward manner I’ve seen since I don’t know when.  I know you can’t go in front of an audience and do that one leg up in the ayah ayah thing without warming up, and I am beyond jealous at how easily Nick can whip that thing out and up (…c’mon…his freakin’ leg touches the back of his freakin’ head…) but the whole process almost made Chris Hansen jump out of a locker with some lemonade.

Asia’s solo was Absolut Asia.  Even John smiled.  But he always smiles, so I’m never really sure if he’s in the moment or thinking about his next topless Facebook photo shoot.  But dude can dance like a Boss, so he gets my vote, regardless.

Since we’re cutting out the fluff this week, this is how it all went down.

Even with some sickle feet, Asia pulled out a Best In Show for tail wagging and not peeing on the stage.  Everything else was all Candy Apples.

Gino’s Dancing With The Stars tango duet took First Place, as did the Depression Era “Will Dance For Food” Boy Band routine, which scored a perfect 300.

John almost smiled the teeth right out of his head while Abby percolated to a dangerously high boil in the seat behind him.  Even the ALDC Moms knew they didn’t stand a chance this week as they watched the Apple Cores unleash their boyish charm under that nasty Energy logo.

(Seriously.  Is that supposed to be a dancer’s silhouette on the wall or the outline of a soon to be discovered 52nd state?  Get it together.  I’ve seen how much you charge for entry fees.)

Backstage, Cathy and her posse knocked down the ALDC door and got right up in Abby’s grill as soon as they put all their trophies in the van.

Melissa kept texting (…who is she always talking to?…) as JLo sat back  and let the lights ricochet off her body buttered shoulders.  Seeing the Abby & Cathy Show up close and personal has got to be way more horrifying and entertaining than it is from my couch, so you could tell she was getting a little WTF on her first dance camp sleepover.

After a few pokes from Cathy, Abby snapped and started screaming that the bitch had gone too far this time and, by the way, the bruise from that purse swing had still not healed.  When Abby goes completely postal, all the years of yelling at small children finally catch up with her and her voice cracks in and out like when you try to pick up faraway shortwave radio stations late at night.  So I only got about every other word.

But I could tell she was not happy.

This ain’t over.  It’s War.

And it looks like it might be time to reload and launch some more Asia Bombs.

Boom.


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