Posts Tagged ‘Kailia Deliz’

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Know What They Say About Those Me And My Pet Pageants…Monkey See, Monkey Poo.

Saturday, October 29th, 2016




Attention: License plate TTWINNZ. Your lights are on and there’s poop all over your back seat.






Where’s my damn purse? I could sure use some of those animal tranquilizers right now. Lawd.






Jiminy Crickets! Pardon my potty mouth, kids, but the fudge nugget doody doo just hit the fan.







I’m telling you right now I saw one that was this big. Either clean it up or I rub your pink face in it.







Speaking of. I sure scored some sweet s*** this weekend.






Don’t say a word, sweetie. Just act cool and let them blame that poop smell on the baby.







I know, right? He’s like the only animal that didn’t take a giant crap on the floor this weekend.





We’re back.

And not a minute too soon.  Because I couldn’t hold it in much longer.

My excitement for this show, I mean.  That’s what I meant.

After a week off for some distracting Debate Night nonsense surrounding the future of our country…

Toddlers & Tiaras returned to finish up what they started down in St. Louis.

The Me and My Pet Pageant: Number 2.


I mean…Part 2.

peeweeLet’s just be honest here.

If you picked #POOP as your Secret Word or Safe Word this week…Game Over.  You win.

jd7bb4v7vhpzk2zbhvfaOn the other hand, if it was your Drinking Game Word…not so much.  You should probably check your DVR to see how the episode ended, because there’s no way you made it past the first commercial break.

520ba90e31598b420ab5ed342a4c132dI’m telling you right now.  #POOP is the word.

It was everywhere.  Literally.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our pageant princesses it was full-on Poopapalooza Panic as moms and kids alike were all trying to maneuver around a ballroom carpet covered in what CNN described as strategically placed Iraqi goat poo landmines.

Srsly.  It was panic in the streets.

p1tumblr_n6t7dzy6ve1qaqx8xo2_500People were stepping over it.  Around it.  On it.  In it.

And every time you looked down, it had spread wider and juicier all around the ballroom like…

tumblr_nr5yxhkpom1s9bqq4o1_500 p1…until my favorite Mom Deb stepped in it with her funky socks and lost her nutty.

Spoiler Alert:  I can’t even wait until the end of this recap to discuss the top Jayliana‘s Mama was wearing during Crowning, it was so good.  I mean…


Can you even?  Because I can’t.


And it’s already sold-out online, so don’t bother wasting your time going on the Neiman Marcus website.

According to most of the moms, the #PooGrenades had all been (…allegedly…) launched from the #TeamLyerly goat, even though nobody actually saw Blackberry discharge any ammo on the carpet.

And, honestly,  I’m not even sure when the goat would have had time to do that much damage since he spent the majority of his screen time cradled in the loving arms of Dad Ron Lyerly.

bSide note:  How much do I love the Lyerlys?  If that’s even how you spell it.  Is it Lyerlies, like plural?

Haters gon’ hate, but Ron cracks me up.

vintage-naked-winking-kewpie-doll-piano-baby-ceramictumblr_lzjxb6zetk1rogt97o1_500And Kelly?  You don’t mess with Kelly.  Because she will mess you up.kl3

Check it out.  I was creeping Kelly on the internet and found a picture from back when she hit her head on a beam in their barn and spent the next 6 months thinking she was Martina McBride.

kelly_headshotIt’s true, because it was on the internet.

Anyway.  Back to #Poopgate.

Everybody was ganging up on Ron and Kelly to clean the carpet, but they weren’t having it.

Not one bit.

And you know who else wasn’t having it?

My new favorite Mom Elicia, who was walking around the ballroom with her blurred out Coca Cola, cellphone and glue stick (…I think, or maybe it was a really big chapstick…) all like AwHellNaw You Pick Up Your Goat’s Poop, Little Man.

eGirlfriend was NOT having it.

She WAS having a smokey eye, tho, that was so fierce it could make a MAC counter girl cry.

e1And she was also having a ride around her living room on what I believe has to be the world’s biggest iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner.  And she was doing it with that dog from the Taco Bell commercial. e2gifs-01Where do you even buy one of those?  Not the Roomba.  I’ve seen those at Best Buy.  I’m talking about that round thing Elicia and the Taco Bell dog were sitting on.

Yo Quiero.

Somewhere around here tiny Kailia had a moment of rambling randomness, discussing her disdain for poop and Jello pudding that basically just served to reinforce the two things we already knew:  Her mom is crazy and a 10 year old girl has better French tips than you can ever hope to have in your lifetime.

2 k2 k

Needless to say, nobody picked up any poop before the competition got started.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.  With real animals.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Here’s Kim Kardashian the Bride, in a Mermaid Trumpet Spaghetti Strap Lace Corset Layered Ruffle Chapel Train Organza Vera Wang gown.

kim-kardashian-mermaid-spaghetti-lace-corset1.  I’m pretty sure that blonde chick was born with that hair.

2.  Kim’s marriage didn’t last as long as it took you to read that description.

And here’s Kim Kardashian the Pig, in a stroller, wearing the same dress.pigandy-dwyer-shock#MicDrop.

First on stage was Elicia’s baby girl Hallee, who held up the Taco Bell dog like the opening of The Lion King and then Walked  Like an Egyptian until her CD ran out of music.9u4jdSpoiler Alert:  Zebras.


Next up was Giavanna (…who keeps spellchecking to ‘Giovanni,’ so I apologize in advance…) and Kim Kardashian the Pig in a tribute to Pageant Moms everywhere.


I see what you did there, Gia, with your pig and your Walmart pajama bottoms.

And so did #JudgeJessica.  Look at how her hair takes up literally 50% of my TV screen.


The other two judges didn’t quite get the shtick at first, but being a (…former or nah?…) Pageant Mom herself, Jessica McClamroch picked right up on all that slander.

As soon as Gia left the stage, Mom Kelly accidentally tipped the stroller over, knocking Kim Kardashian onto her back so hard that her legs went up in the air and her dress fell off, which is something we’ve all seen so many times that I’m not even gonna bother looking for a picture.


While all that hilarity was ensuing, all that poop was still laying on the carpet out back until someone finally called the front desk and told them what was going on in their own ballroom.

img_2414Enter Employee of the Month Kim…kim

…whose face was so good that you need to see it 3 times.

Mom Marcy ran around showing Kim all the poop, which I’m gonna assume she could have found on her own if you put her on the scent.  But whatever.  I love Marcy.

Side note:  At one point Marcy even called all that nasty s*** by its scientific name of Doody Doo and now I love her even more.  Because…you know.  Doody Doo.  She’s in her 40s.

Side note 2:  Maybe they should have just called the folks at DoodyCalls.

Because that’s a real thing and now they just got free advertising on my site.  No wonder I can’t make any money off this thing when I keep giving away complimentary ad space.


Their website actually asks; “Pet waste piling up?”

Wait.  What?

At least they get to drive the Scooby-Doo van to work every day.

doodycalls-van-mike-k-5While Hotel Kim was downstairs giving HR her 2 weeks notice, Alycesaundra took to the stage with her goat in a routine that was completely lost on me unless I just missed something.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

rb goat1So a girl and a goat walk into a bar…

I dunno.  Both of those Tiara Twins are so cute I can’t stand it, so I’m going to overlook the fact that Alycesaundra walked on stage with a goat, slammed back a couple of brewskis and then picked up her goat and left the bar without paying her tab.  I don’t even understand the concept, much less why any waitress would serve an underage girl two root beers and a bottle of warm milk with a rubber nipple on it and then just walk away.

Did I already show you this?


Because nothing else is making any sense right now.j3 bbjjThankfully, it was right about here when I realized there was not nearly enough Cambrie Littlefield in the episode.  No ma’am.  She’s my girl.  Does TLC even read this thing?


And what about Nisa Hooper?  Are we really going another week without Nisa?


We LOVE Nisa.  Remember that episode where she had too much to drink and got all like…north-west-wears-kim-kardashians-sun-glasses-ftrOr that time she had that massive fight with Cambrie and got all like…

tumblr_o46vwufpmt1qhzi2jo2_540…and then Cambrie got all like…

x-men-apocalypse-gif-56d595fe9ae5cOr maybe that episode hasn’t aired yet.  I forget.

Butt (…poop humor…) I digress.

Backstage, #Poopgate was out of control.

Kim came back with a bunch of hotel managers and made that face again.kimRon and Kelly still refused to pick up after their goat, which made Elicia put her #NisaShades on top of her head so she could get all sassy and wave her finger around like…




Ron never let go of that goat, FYI.
ronNot even when he got all Bill Nye the Poop Science Guy on Kim and tried to explain the difference between Coco Puffs, Goobers and Whoppers when it came to discerning what animal butt makes the best holiday chocolates.

billnyethehandjobguy-41470I don’t even know what’s happening in that picture.

Luckily, Kailia hit the rings for her Tarzan & Jane routine, temporarily breaking the tension in the room.  Or so I thought, until Mom Marcy prepped us for the number by explaining how her daughter was going to rip off her Jane dress like a Rain Forest stripper but not be wearing any pasties underneath.

Because she totally said that.

Newsflash:  Not everyone can wear pasties like a Boss.  Just saying.

eyes 8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1eKailia nailed her performance…kk1kk

…even though #JudgeJessica thought the parrot sitting on top of K’s Ring Thingamajig.

Side note:  Marcy was INTO Kailia’s routine.   Look at her face.

mAnd look at Mustache Guy.  There he is again.  He’s everywhere in this show!

I know who he is now, too.  Thanks to a slightly awkward recap a few weeks ago, I might add.

But I’m not telling you.

Just take a shot every time he’s in a scene.  It’ll be fun.


Gah.  She’s cute.

#Poopgate Round 3:  This is when it really hit the fan backstage.

Ron and Kelly were screaming at all the other Moms.

All the other Moms were screaming at Ron and Kelly.

This new Mom right here went OFF on them all like Pick Up Your Poop, Bitch.


And then Kelly was all like You Wanna Go Outside, Bitch?  Don’t Make Me Take My Shoes Off.fight

And then Ron was all like Don’t Make Me Put My Goat Down, Bitch.fight1
And don’t even ask me why Marcy thought she could stop #NervousPoop from shooting out just by putting up one hand like she was making a Force Field or something.

They’re not filming Fantastic Four, honey.  This is TLC.

Marcy also wanted to do an impromptu Cambrie’s Court cheer, because that always works to break the tension right before fists and Doody Doo start flying, right?

And, finally…to seal the deal…Elicia and her smokey eyes caught a good glimpse of Kelly when she bent over and before you knew it a simple discussion on whose butt was bigger quickly transitioned into…


article-2446556-188fd31600000578-900_634x438Excuse me?  I don’t think so.  Not with kids in the car.


I almost forgot about the pageant.

Tiny Emily hit the stage dressed all in pink like Reese Witherspoon (…where do they find all these little chihuahuas on such short notice?…) and rocked it like a pro.  Mom Alysha was so proud she didn’t even notice Mustache Guy sneaking up a row.mggiphy-5Side note:  Only on Toddlers & Tiaras is a rampaging zebra the most normal thing you’ll see.

Because that happened next.

 giphy-6Callyn‘s Secret Weapon Zebra just wasn’t feeling it that afternoon and refused to come up on stage with her for the routine.  Which kinda defeated the whole Me and My Pet theme, I guess.

But she still did great.

z z1And Mom was proud.

So proud in fact, that she too was oblivious to her surroundings.

mg1ty0wl4aAnd then it was over.

Except for Crowning and stuff, I mean.

But we wasted so much time with funny pictures and Drinking Games that I’m almost out of space.

The Short Version:  The Tiara Twins didn’t score as high as they would have liked, but they’re so cute it doesn’t matter.  They have a Greyhound bus with their faces on it, fercryinoutloud.

Callyn scored higher than her cousin for the first time in…I dunno…forever, maybe…and Mom was over the moon.  But the two girls are still Besties.  So don’t you worry.

And Kailia won the Mega Grand Supreme!  The Big One.

Mom was all like…


And Kailia cried she was so happy.

When it was all over, one of the cousins pulled out her own eyelashes on live TV.


The hotel’s expensive carpet still smelled like poop and Kim was in therapy at an undisclosed location to protect her privacy.

During the wild after-party, a goat photobombed the security guards.

enhanced-buzz-23031-1345556666-2And a judge photobombed the Winner.

cvvz8yzwiaektpc-jpg-large-2Because #BigHairDon’tCare.

Poop there it is.


Toddlers & Tiaras: You Really Stepped In It This Time. Shovel And Sparkle At The St. Louis Me And My Pet Pageant!

Sunday, October 16th, 2016




Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.






I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.






I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.







I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.






I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.






No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.






I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.





Couple things before we get started.

One.  Yeah…I know.  I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner.  Like maybe not at all in a timely manner.  I know.
My bad.

And I feel bad.  I swear.  And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms.  Look at how crooked my crown was.


And now this one is late, too.


But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile.  Not my first choice.  Or even my second.  But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.


Two.  Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?

gigThree.  For all you up and coming bloggers and journalist types:  See what I just did there?

In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties.  I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page.  I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs.  And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.

Because that’s how it’s done.

And that’s how I do, mmkay?

Make that 3 Dance Moms gifs.

Spoiler Alert:  Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.

None.  Which was not cool.

So here’s one.  And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.

Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from.  No wonder Nisa wears shades.


I love Nisa.

And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  The #Goals part, I mean.

The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.

Oh hey, Gurrrrl.


Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair.  It’s dark outside now.

cnightSoooo anyway.

I guess we could get started now.

To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on

Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.

cowbThe entire park was shut down so Miss Cambrie and her little kids and her even littler bathing suit top could all slide down the chute and have some old fashioned splash time before heading back to the studio to focus on this week’s competition.

Look at all that right there.
sb1#Goals.  Whether you’re going to the Water Park or Coachella with the Kardashians, I guess.

Just #Goals.

And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.

sbSpring Break, baby.

They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…


Bonus:  Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide.  Because she can.

mjslidemaccheeseAt this week’s Me and My Pet Pageant, the biggest competition for Cambrie and her pack of princesses was going to come from some familiar faces to all you long term T&T-ers.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaack!

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  The Tiara Twins.


 And Mom Kelly Lyerly.

kl1And Dad Ron, who we last saw dressed up as one of the Village People for some reason.

rYou remember them all from Original Recipe Toddler 1.0…right?

Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7.  The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.

Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office.  Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?

toddlers-tiaras-lamb-chops-and-doggies-and-sn-l-ulyvp7Because pet pageants were kinda their thing back then.  They won the last two.

And they were gunning for win #3 this week.

Side note:  Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness.  I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.little_rascals_moneytossFor this year’s pet pageant, they decided to head to one of those places where you can bid on live goats instead of taking your chances on eBay.  I forget which girl wanted to bring a goat on stage, but given their history with turkey and peacock props, moving forward without poultry seemed like a good idea.

Look.  This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy.  Cuz she’s fancy.

goatNumber 9422 and Number 9456 seem nice.  I like them.g3Number 9422 seems to like Number 9456, too.

g2Don’t look, honey.  ag2

As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction.  But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll.  Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.2318Time to restock the shelves.

g2To cleanse the palate and get the sting out of our eyes…sun

…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.

Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey.  Just a little animated.  Like seizure animated.m3monkeyclmclm2

Let’s be honest.  Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.gif-monkey-smile-940834Marcy was so whacky that I immediately had to put her on my holiday card list.  Some people online felt that Kailia’s Mom was slightly bug-eyed, but it’s all relative, right?tb

Tonya Bailey.  Queen.  Don’t even argue with me on this one.

I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this… giphy-3

…and this…

giphy-2…and even this…

stretchstretch2Those are Kailia’s feet, BTW.  Up where her arms are supposed to be.

Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.41-frozen-katie-lopez-facciamo-un-pupazzo-insiemecdoor

Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…

c7699d00b4ed4e13075bcfc16642b022cdoor2“Bitch, I know you’re in there.”

Take aways from this scene:  Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.

Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.

We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot.  And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…

Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.

Next up:  The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.

Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.

Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.

crown shoes2You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

We looooove them.  Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.

You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.

FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.emilyash

Do the math:  Sibling Rivalry.  Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.

Side note:  You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.

And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?


No wonder she’s so excited.  That is way better than any stupid monkey.  #TotesJealz.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.

Look at all that sweet loot.  Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner.  We love Jill.stashAnd where else can you find spray tanned legs, a bronze monkey butt and a pig in a stroller all in one place?  It’s like THE best Pier 1 Imports evah.  Jill don’t skimp on the decor.pig Look at how terrified that dog is, tho.dogEven the judges’ table got pimped out with snacks.

Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having.  And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp.  And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?

jtableI swear the judge with the giant hair looks so familiar.

Side note:  Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit.  Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe.  The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt.  And his gelled hair.  Because I just can’t right now.ron90dab38819536415230e6158570ab616Lyerly = Life.  Because that’s what they’re giving me right now.

Side note:  Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.

pig2 So there’s that.

Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.

Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well.  The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap.  Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial.  Because she’s Cambrie.  #Goals.

Emily was first up in Beauty.

And then the judge’s critique.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I give you Jessica McClamroch.

689df2564a90bab01983f5c4d6c9f7bfI knew she looked familiar!

j3She is one of my all-time favorite Moms EVER from Toddler 1.0…’member her?

jessShe’s the one with the big a** hair who didn’t want America to think it was all nasty up in here when a fly started buzzing around her house during taping.

j5Hashtag:  LoveHer.

And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.j6 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo4_500j159f8206c2920826b29caf79e486ab447 j4 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo5_500jThe rest of the Beauty portion kinda flew by after Jessica’s appearance.

And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown.  You see dat thang?  Dang.14568072_1215074351847700_4265855368280907370_nI mean.  C’mon.

Even Cambrie was all like…tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaMiss Cambrie knows pageant beauty when she sees it.

And then the s*** hit the fan.  And the floor.  Literally.

Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.

tumblr_lk9wlnsslj1qi4ns0o1_500A zebra?  Really?  In a hotel?

debThe email clearly stated that there was a 40 pound limit and the animal needed to be caged until taking the stage and could not be shipped in a wood crate across the ocean from Madagascar even if it did know how to do the Running Man.85042-zebra-dancing-gif-imgur-bvf2

And excuse me.

If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.

Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.

40-1I think I’m starting to love these people a little too much.

And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.

jessYou got that right, girlfriend.

Oh.  And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.


And then it was over.

To be continued…


Toddlers & Tiaras: It Was A Pint-Sized Bad Girls Club When Kailia And Kayla Met Again For Round Two Of Their Sparkly Grudge Match. It’s Not Always Sunny At California Tropic Pageants.

Thursday, July 12th, 2012



That’s right, Kailia. I’m back, and I’m coming for you…and those big googly eyeballs.






Oh. Hell. No, Kayla. You did not just go there, you cracker eating crybaby.






Check it out. Third time’s a charm. And I still don’t think you’re ready for all this jelly.





And this is what I think of your booty pop and that tired old piece of recycled Shirley Temple.





That’s my baby. ‘Cause pageants are all about good sportsmanship, right? Especially when you know the other kid’s a loser.




Ok.  I want credit for this when it finally happens.

Best.  Youtube.  Video.  Ever.

Someone else just has to make it, since I haven’t really mastered the iMovie app yet.

Take the soundtrack from VH1’s Bad Girls Club.  Throw in some sound bites from any random season of The Bachelor when a girl cries or talks about how beautiful she is compared to the other girls.

Lay the whole track down over the camera work from this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras, and you just basically nailed exactly what the latest episode sounded like in my head.

Plus you just created a viral masterpiece that is gonna win us both an Emmy when Anderson Cooper picks up on it and leaks it on his show, because now that he’s all Out and About you know he likes that edgy pop culture stuff.  We love Andy.

Yup.  It got nasty this week as everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure returned for another season of glitter and glitz.

From smack talking Moms to one kid smacking another kid on the nose with her prize money like she was dangling fish bait, it was totally the kind of stuff that you relive the next day at work while you’re sitting at your desk praying that someone else mentions it first so you can discuss it openly without looking like a creeper.

It was the beach themed California Tropic Pageant in beautiful waterless Arizona.

(Yeah.  I know.  I don’t make the rules.)

Pageant Director Carol Fleming, who apparently loves pageants and eyebrow pencils more than anything else in the whole wide world, explained that all the little princesses were asked to Come Party On Our Island and win massively oversized crowns and a chance at a Hollywood Babe photo shoot.

Again.  Yeah.  I know.  Arizona.

I guess asking all the little princesses to Come Enjoy Our Heat But Not The Humidity didn’t have the same draw for potential hotel crowds.  But Carol was into it, and that’s what you want from a Pageant Director.  So you go, girl.

First off we all got to meet 4 year old Kayla, her high pitched, ear bleed inducing cries and her Mom April.  Mom proudly bragged that tiny Kayla’s personality just screamed “Ultimate Grand Supreme.”

It also screamed “I’m being abducted” at a pitch that only dogs could hear.

That kid definitely likes to scream and cry when she doesn’t get her way.  She howled NO NO NO so many times I thought we were watching one of those assault prevention classes that the police departments always offer to college women who have to walk home alone after cheer practice.

Trust me.  By the time Kayla finished one of her rants, I would have preferred a knee to the groin.

Don’t get me wrong.  Kayla’s a cutie, in that puffy round baby face kind of way.  Even though she is 4, she still has a wicked Cabbage Patch doll noggin that either means she needs more sleep or had too much salt this week.

But the girl ain’t known for her facial features.  She’s known for her booty pop.

Her Good Ship Lollipop Booty Pop, to be precise.

After Flashback #1, we all remembered that Kayla is the little nugget who had already wowed the judges at two earlier competitions with her Shirley Temple dance.  The dance that Shirley Temple would do if she was the lead for the Pussycat Dolls or had to strip to pay for baby’s formula.  That one.

But it’s cute when a 4 year old does it in a two piece sailor outfit.  So she’s free to use it one more time this week.  It’s just one of those dances where someone is going to wake up one morning and suddenly be too old to do it without giving an international businessman a bad impression of America.  Just keep an eye on that one, Mom.

Kayla also worked her canopy bed frame pole a little too comfortably for a show that airs before 2am on basic cable.  Not really sure what that was all about, but I immediately shut my blinds just in case, because I don’t have any lemonade or chips on hand if Chris Hansen decides to drop by unannounced with a camera crew.

Next up was 5 1/2 & something year old Kailia and her Win At All Costs Mom Marcy.

Kailia was a bundle of energy, self assuredness and cartoon animation all rolled into one bouncy piece of KidSpaz.

Crazy cute and hyper beyond a level that any scientific instrument could ever register, Kailia had a voice and a face right out of a Disney movie.  Her eyes were all over the place when she talked, as if their speed was somehow magically based on how fast she spoke or sang.  I believe that she is made from the same goop that is inside a Stretch Armstrong doll.

Right about here is when it all started to get a little Bad Girls Club.

Kailia’s Mom, besides giving the kid a name that is incredibly difficult to type without putting all those “I’s” in the wrong place, also displayed some not so sportsman-like behavior throughout the show, even though she liked to toss that word around quite a bit.

Turns out that Kayla and Kailia have faced off before in a previous pageant, and Marcy and April are not feeling the love.

Marcy ain’t feeling it because she doesn’t find Kayla to be any competition, now or in the future.  Or the distant future.  Or ever.

April ain’t feeling it because she thinks that Marcy’s a beeotch.  She didn’t actually say it, but rewind your DVR really slowly backwards and it comes out clear as day like Satan worship on a Led Zeppelin album.

While April is keeping an eye on Kayla’s booty pop, Marcy needs to keep an eye on Kailia and make sure her daughter doesn’t start picking up some of Mom’s bad attitude.  Self confidence is one thing.  Pointing out that all the other kids are not even worth wasting your competition focus on is another.

Marcy liked using all the fancy sportsmanship words, but I don’t think she’s ever Googled them to actually read the Wikipedia definitions.  That kind of behavior in a Mom ain’t pretty.  Not at all.

But hey…you know what is pretty?

Danielle.  Or at least according to Danielle, anyway.  She’s 10 years old.  She’s beautiful.  And she’s just telling the truth.

(Seriously.  If you bitch slap your television screen, does that count as child abuse in the courts?)

One more Flashback and we got to relive Danielle’s last meltdown when she didn’t win the Motherlode of Pageant Crowns.  She cried and bawled about other girls stealing her spotlight and taking her spot and was even nice enough to tell another young contestant that “I’m done with you.”  Mom Tedi just ran in circles all flustered in her smock.

Not much has changed, even though Danielle claimed that she had matured and now nobody could call her a brat.

Somebody might not want to check their Facebook page for a few days, if you know what I mean.

Moving on, we scooted over to Secretary Barbie’s office.  Or at least that’s what it would look like if Mattel made a real life version of the plastic one.

Pageant Coach Georgina Vaughan was Barbie come to life, surrounded by every pink office supply that you could possibly order through 1-800 STAPLES.  She also had the patience of a fully blessed Saint as she tried to get one good run-thru of Kayla’s routine.

I really liked her for some reason.  I bet she’s a hoot at a pizza joint.

Two hours and 97 meltdowns later, Barbie had yet to see if Kayla knew up from down by the time Mom returned from the Mall bearing gifts and bribery crackers.

I guess the deal was that Kayla got to look at the pack of crackers if she promised to practice.  If she actually went to practice, Mom would open the cellophane.  If the planets all aligned and pigs started to fly around the room, Kayla could get a cracker tossed at her like Kibbles.

The woman is a Saint, I tell you.

Not to be outdone by her competition, Kailia was lifting one leg up in the air with her Coach Cambrie Littlefield.

Yes.  The Pageant Name Generating Machine was working overtime this week.

Much like the booty pop, the one leg yanked straight up in the air move also has an age expiration date.  And Cambrie demonstrated exactly when that happens.  Right about the time that she did it side by side with Kailia.

To misquote my girl NeNe Leakes from The Real Housewives of Atlanta…”Close yo’ legs to married men.  And pageant judges.”

Danielle’s big drama this week, aside from having to bear the weight of all that Beauty on her tiny shoulders, was her missing pageant gown.  Miss Muffet, the dress designer not the tuffet-sitting one I assumed, was late in delivering the custom costume for Danielle’s runway extravaganza.  Danielle was freaking out that this could possibly effect how very beautiful she would be on Pageant Day, while Mom just ran in circles all flustered in a different smock.

Luckily Dad eventually saved the day and drove over 800 miles to pick up the dress because somebody who we won’t name apparently couldn’t get off their tuffet long enough to make it down to FedEx.

We also got to witness Danielle’s kitchen tanning ritual, complete with one of those pop up spray tents and gossipy Tanning Lady.  Nothing too exciting, but remind me to not take a swig off of that rather large collection drink bottles and half empty Pepto Bismols that were laying around the counter.  I guess when your kid’s bikini butt is already on the dining room table you have other things to worry about than second hand overspray.

Finally it was Pageant Day.  And for emcee Derrick Chrisinger, it was the most bestest day ever.  I will bet you money he does this for free it’s so much fun.

Dude was beyond excited to be there behind his folding table.  Wearing one of those headset mics and blasting out his “Contestant Number 205….Siennaaaaaaaah” radio announcer voice, at first I thought he was the ShamWow Guy who’s always in a booth at the State Fair next to that mop you never have to touch.

I’m totally answering my cellphone like Derrick from now on, and changing my outgoing message immediately.

I’ll call you back as soon as I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaan…..

He’s my idol.

The stage looked like a combination of leftover Hollister mannequins from the Mall and some Target beach chairs, but it got the beachy point across.

As soon as all the Moms ended up in the same room, the Bad Girls Club came out to play again.  Even the pint-sized version.

Kayla (allegedly) told Kailia that she was gonna beat her.  Kailia (allegedly) talked some smack right back at her.  The Moms got tightly wound and Marcy started throwing all those sportsmanship words around again even though her actions never quite matched up with her mouth.

I was actually going to give her one more chance, right about the time when she got on April’s case and said some garbled up something or other incorrectly using the word “objection” in a way that didn’t even make sense in the context of her rant, and I washed my hands of that one for good.

Check one more Pageant Mom off my holiday card list and call her a lost cause.

I say it every time.  I’ve met some ridiculously nice and funny Moms through this site.  I know they’re out there.  And I know it’s possible to hustle your kid on and off stage without making the other Moms want to wait for you outside in the parking lot with one of those really tall trophies that could crack a skull.  Chill out.

The pageant itself was no big deal.  No stage fright.  No stage collapses.  Pretty tame all around, except for a tense moment when Kailia’s naughty nurse magic act almost flat-lined when her brother almost forgot to sneak out during the hospital bed disappearing trick.  Trust me, in a few more years that boy isn’t gonna need any nudging to disappear from that house on his own.

It should be noted that Kayla wore a perfectly round hairpiece that looked like octopus tenticles, while Danielle’s first ‘do looked like 1960’s Priscilla Presley on a bad day before Elvis got fat.  No idea what was going on up there with that one.

When they took Danielle into the public  bathroom to check out her massive hair, it kind of looked like there should be smeared eyeliner on her face and line of coke on the sink.

Relax.  I’m not saying she does anything more than pixie stix.  I’m saying it was that kind of hair.  That’s all…no emails, please.

We got some booty pops and even Danielle not popping her cherry enough.

Whoa.  I’m just quoting the judge who thought her soda jerk outfit could have been blingier.  Don’t be a perv.  Remember, I’m out of chips and lemonade.

Regardless of the level of her popping, Danielle ended up winning enough to make her still feel beautiful and give her enough street cred to sashay across the ballroom rubbing it in everyone’s nose.

Kailia won the Big One which gave her a fan full of money that she then proceeded to slap on Kayla’s pudgy nose.  That made April cry and made me mad, too.

My only hope as we wind down from this week’s sugar buzz is that TLC decides to have a show that is nothing but three Pageant Moms sitting in a row talking s*** about each other, because this one ended in a classic Bad Girls Marcy vs. April showdown that made Tedi sweat through her last clean smock.

By the time Marcy opened her pie hole one last time and dissed Kayla, I put my Led Zeppelin CD on a backwards loop and deleted her from my iPhone contacts.

I smell cracker crumbs and a rematch.

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