Posts Tagged ‘Kalani Hilliker’

Dance Moms: What We Need Is A Girl Party. And Stronger Butt Glue. Can’t We All Just Get Along For Once?

Wednesday, February 19th, 2014




Woman…Imma seriously ’bout to pop off if you don’t stop touching my weave right now.






It’s sad those two girls aren’t getting along. Plus it totally f***s me over for the Wednesday carpool.






They showed her pulling my hair on TMZ and now everyone thinks I’m Lindsay Lohan.






Sup? Just chillin’ in the stockroom with my homie M. Diddy, laying down some dope a** tracks.






I’m trying to take a freakin’ selfie. Don’t you all be standing behind me rolling your eyes. I see you.







Acting like that around the girls isn’t healthy for anyone. Especially after I slap her.






I really can’t right now. My scarf’s all messed up and I’ve got butt glue in my damn eye again.




Well, it’s been 7 days.

The drama may not have subsided any, but at least the swelling has gone down.

After being finger poked, slapped and dragged around the makeup room during last week’s Pay-Per-View MamaMania Rumble, Abby Lee Miller seemed to have recovered quite nicely and was already back to her old ways.

Dance Moms was back in business.

And now it was up to the remaining members of the ALDC Team to deal with the fall out.

Kelly was gone.  Brooke was gone.  Paige was gone.

All because Mom had proven that Krazy ain’t just a hairstyle when she attacked Abby backstage after last week’s competition.  Or allegedly, anyway.

You’ve seen it on TMZ.  You’ve seen it on this site.  You’ve even seen it on the special extended Choreographer’s Gonna Cut You episode.

Self defense?  Assault?  Hormones?  Who knows.

But the Hylands were gone.  At least for now.  Which left a couple of warm seats for new recruit Kalani to fill if Mom Kira had any say in the matter.  Game On.

This week started out calmly enough at the front desk with Abby explaining to front desk girl Rachel that Kelly was no longer allowed anywhere near the front desk.  The kids were off the Team and a formal letter needed to be sent out asap on official ALDC front desk letterhead to make sure that Kelly kept her distance.  Abby was very clear on her expectations and what needed to be done to keep Kelly on the other side of Pittsburgh.

What she didn’t explain very well was why everyone at the ALDC seemed to be wearing their hair up in those Asia Monet Ray buns lately and why there was a random Boy Band dude sitting behind them holding a closed laptop.  That’s not very productive.

I’m sure he was some kind of young BoyToy assistant to Abby (…Mama does like her snacks to come with an extended expiration date…) but this guy’s hair was just way too perfect and that always makes me suspicious.  Plus he kept leaning in like one of the girls trying to get in on the gossip.


Dude.  Go plug in your Macbook Air.  That restraining order isn’t gonna type itself.

Once Abby got her front desk ManCandy under control, it was time for this week’s Pyramid of Shame.  And Jill‘s newly tinted hair, which appeared to be a shade or two redder than normal, unless my TV was acting up again.

Bottom row this week had two especially humiliating spots reserved just for Brooke and Paige.

Wait.  What?  They don’t even work there anymore.

Go figure.  If you don’t even have to be on the payroll to get your headshot up on the mirror, I’m totally FedExing an 8×10 over to Abby this afternoon.  Look for me on the top next week.  I’ll be the one with the snappy bow tie.

Nia and Chloe were also on the bottom.  I guess Nia goofed up something in the group routine last week that I hadn’t even noticed while Chloe’s Mom drives Abby crazy enough to get her stuck in the basement again.

Spoiler Alert:  Christi is the new Kelly.

The mezzanine was held down by Kendall and the Zeiglers.  Kendall did an odd little finger tip baby clap that I found amusing while Mackenzie and Maddie just kind of stood there all confused why one of them wasn’t on top.

That meant that the peak of the Pyramid was reserved for newbie Kalani, which kind of made Maddie’s mouth hang open and Mom Melissa‘s left eye twitch a little.

This week the gang was headed to Woodbridge, VA for their first ever FIERCE National Dance Competition.  You Bettah Werk.

Spoiler Alert#2:  False Advertising.  No Drag Queens.

As a reward for stepping up and going into full blown Crisis Mode during last week’s fisticuffs, Abby gave Holly and Nia a solo.  Well, Nia.  You know what I meant.

For those of you with short term memory issues, there was a quick flashback to Flight Attendant Holly getting all large and in charge as Kelly threw a beat down on Abby’s head.


“Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!”

I swear they enhanced the audio this time around, though, because now Holly was screaming louder than last week and her voice was cracking and she was freaking out like aliens had just landed in the back yard and set the barn on fire.

“Girls!  Save the horses!  Girls!  Save the horses!  Girls!  Save the horses!”

It was madness, I tell you.  She got me so wound up that I heaved a trash can through the window at Best Buy and stole a new air conditioner.  I didn’t know what else to do I was so scared.

Crime is never the answer, kids.  Remember that.

But it’s all good.  She calmed herself down and now Dr. Beyoncé was all Boots & Buns this week, which should totally be a Miranda Lambert song if it’s not already.

Chloe and Maddie scored a duet, which meant that they would be forced to perform together even though they were technically and temporarily no longer friends, thanks to that whole Lying About The Duet thing that went down last week.

Kendall and Kalani were also handed a duet, which opened up a whole other can of Dancing Up/Dancing Down worms.  Oy vey.

As the girls all started rehearsing their Yum Yum Musical Theater group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to grill Kira a little more and give Christi another opportunity to snark on Melissa’s (…alleged…) extra marital affairs.  Oh, snap.  She went there again.

Christi refused to smile or discuss Kelly’s situation no matter how many times the Moms asked for deets.  She was more than happy to yell and argue, but clammed up every time someone asked about Kelly.

Somehow in the midst of all the fighting and accusations of lying about duets and cheating on taxes, Melissa switched gears and invited everyone over to her home for wine and cheese.  Because snacks always make everything all better.

Christi politely declined,which meant more booze for everyone else.  Girl Party!

Two quick notes on the get together and then we’ll move on.

One.  Are these Moms contractually required to shop at HomeGoods?  I’m being serious.


Remember Kelly’s basement family room?  And now Melissa’s living room.  I swear I saw a cash register in the background.

Two.  Holly was drinking diet Coke.  Which left three other Moms with three ginormous bottles of wine on the table.  And it was like 11 o’clock in the morning.  You do the math.

Back at the ALDC, Mackenzie and delightfully whacky Voice Coach Cathie were crammed into some supply closet or stockroom or something working at one of those folding electric organs that you always pull out during family reunions.  Turns out that the artist formally known as little Kenzie was now called L’il K and would soon be heading to Los Angeles to record a few rap songs.

You can’t make this stuff up.

All I know is that Snoop Puppy suddenly had an album release party scheduled and that Abby knew all the words to her Girl Party song as she and Cathie shoulder rolled their way through squeaky beatz that sounded like they should be coming out of a sock puppet on a PBS show.  Cathie even said “Groove,” which totally gave me life.

Cathie’s keyboard and scoop neck top both came from QVC.  You can quote me on that.

As rehearsals progressed, Christi continued to distance herself from the rest of the Moms, which made Holly want to pull out her own new hair.  But Girlfriend ain’t messing with that investment.  Remember her old lady plastic bonnet the day it was drizzling outside?

More importantly:  Can the kids hear the Moms argue while they are down in the studio?  I still don’t really understand how that works, because sometimes it seems like the Moms hear what Abby is saying and sometimes it appears that the girls can hear the Moms losing their nutty.  But how could they find the 8 count in the music if Christi is always squawking over the boom box?  Somebody needs to explain this one to me, because it drives me crazy.

With one day to go before competition, Abby finally decided to teach Nia her solo.  I don’t know why she constantly bones our girl every week.

I also don’t know why she continues to hand Nia these borderline ethnic routines.  I thought we were done with all that?  Not that she can’t rock it out.  It is the International Year of the Nia, after all.

But again with this head wrapped Going Down In The River dance?

Not River Dance.  River dance.  There’s a difference.  LaQuifa Whaaat?


But we got a couple of really good SuperMom pep talks and that always gives me warm fuzzies.  Holly always has it under control, whether her hair is up or down.

Finally, it was Showtime!  FIERCE Showtime.

They capitalize it.  So you know they mean business.

They can’t update their Facebook cover photo in a timely manner.  And the link to ‘2014 Competitions’ doesn’t work on their website.  But at least the Cap Key is functioning.

Yes.  I check those kind of things.  I’m a journalist, thank you.

Backstage, the Moms were in their usual pre-game tailspin.  Except for Christi, who sat all by herself like some New Girl in the cafeteria hating Life on her first day of school.

Bonus points were given for Holly’s Side Eye while Christi ignored everyone’s cries for help.  Sitting there on your a** trying to get to the next level of Candy Crush?  Not cool.

As Melissa and Holly struggled to securely attach Nia’s head wrap, you just knew this wasn’t going to end well.  Headgear and the ALDC go together about as well as me and Quantum Physics.

Right as the girls headed to the stage, Christi decided to perk up and started picking at Nia’s head wrap.  Something about tucking a piece of the fabric underneath so you couldn’t see the raw edge that was cut, even though it was butt glued to her face.

Yeah.  Butt glue.  On her face.  Instead of her butt.

Been there.  Done that.  No fun.

Kendall and Kalanie’s duet went great even though more lights were facing the audience than the dancers on stage.  Anyone else notice that?  You had to literally squint to watch the show.  It was like watching TV in a tanning bed.

And no backdrop at all this time.  No tacky light projection or nothing.  Just black curtains.  It was fierce…but in all lower case letters.

Chloe and Maddie managed to make it through their duet without punching each other in the throat.  OMG it makes me so sad to see BFFs not LOLing.  Totes sad.

Then Nia hit the stage and wrecked it.  She did amazing, even though she had a butt glue malfunction and her head wrap slipped backwards.  It didn’t fall off and she still managed to get Down In The River, but she got really upset and cried.  Which not only made me sad, but made her butt glue get all gummy again.


Drinking Game:  Take a shot every time I say Butt Glue this week.  It’s awesome.

Needless to say, Abby flipped a switch on Christi backstage.  If she ever puts her hand on another kid again…to the Moon, Alice.  Was it sabotage?  Hmmm…

Everything spun out of control for a second or two while Christi got dramatic and Holly stood up for Nia.  Abby then changed gears and talked to L’il Mackelmore about her upcoming recording sessions and how she should emulate role models who climb in and out of low rider automobiles with no underwear on in front of the paparazzi.

Britney and Christina.  I don’t think the underwear part was really the point of the conversation, but that was my take away.

Then the group hit the stage.  Nia got her Butt Glue-free face back and was a hoot on stage.  Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

Before the Awards Ceremony, Jill & Co. burned off the last of those three bottles of wine with some serous MomDancing before sitting back down to try and figure out the FIERCE point scoring system.

I guess they do things differently in Woodbridge, because whether you solo, duet or run with scissors everyone gets lumped into the same age category.

Since I don’t even understand the old system, don’t expect me to explain how this one works.  Even Melissa was all WTF and she has that whole horse racing book that she brings to every competition.

All that really matters is the ALDC somehow took the top two spots.  Maddie and Chloe tied for Second and the group pulled in First Place.

Abby was happy and told Kira that maybe…just maybe…Kalani could stick around for a few more weeks.

Unfortunately, since the ALDC girls Instagram every time they go to the mall for Frogurt, all of America already knows that Kalani is sticking around.  So that conversation was a little anti-climactic.  But we get the point.

Oh.  And P.S.

Kelly was arrested.  And she’s back next week.

I know, right?

Butt Glue.


Dance Moms: If You’re Unhappy And You Know It, Slap Your Dance Teacher. There’s Big Trouble In The Big Apple.

Wednesday, February 12th, 2014




I just ripped this out of a little girl’s head. You seriously don’t think I won’t come for you next, lady?






Violence is never really the answer. Except for when shoes go on final markdown at Saks. Then it’s on, bitch.







Oh. And then this totally happened.






I’m pretty sure I remember seeing something in the contract about not throwing a beat down on the owner.






Describe that crazy hair? Really? Just watch the damn show, dude. It’s on like 50 times a week.






And THAT is why I got my new hair UP. Nobody’s grabbing any of my stuff. This s*** ain’t even paid for yet, mmkay?






Don’t even tell me I’m being carjacked by a freakin’ Dance Mom. Really?




Sorry, kids.

No witty banter and clever intro.

The shizzle got Real in the Dance Moms hizzle this week and there’s way too much too much meaty goodness to digest to waste time casually segueing into the latest episode.

It all went down in New York City this week.  Just like TMZ said it did.

They were right back when they said Justin Bieber was a douchebag.

And they were right when they said it was ALDC Madness in Manhattan.

We got to see the strength of the human spirit during a crisis.  How some step up and take charge like a Boss.  How some freeze in their tracks like a Saturday morning cartoon.

And how some just continue to put on mascara like it’s another day at the office.

Yeah.  Loads to cover.  Get a snack.  It’s super long.

So blah blah blah.  Pyramid.

As everyone bounced into the studio for the weekly Pyramid of Shame, Fake Chloe #2 and her facially rejuvenated Mom Kim were clearly MIA.  Already.

That didn’t last very long now, did it?  One competition under their belt and they were gone before noon checkout at the Ramada.  Thanks for playing, tho.

I tried to act really surprised, but it came across more like Kim’s face.  So not so much.

Before the Big Reveal (…lemme guess…Maddie, maybe?…) Abby announced that instead of bringing one or two new stragglers into the mix, she had decided to create an entirely new Junior Elite Competition Team after completing this week’s final Open Call Auditions in Noo Yawk Citaay.

Say whaaa—?  A whole new team?

There were some eye rolls, jaw drops and the music they play on Survivor right before someone eats a jungle bug.  And then the bottom row.

Kendall, Nia, Mackenzie and Real Chloe were all in the basement.


There was some discussion about issues with last week’s duet and some other sumthin sumthin, but all that really mattered was that Holly was rockin’ an extremely fresh, tight & right new Asia Monet Ray hair bun during one of those on-camera interview bits where they show her name and then she makes a funny HollyFace.

It’s been four years.  I think we know all the Moms’ names by now, thank you.

The Pyramid Mezzanine section was filled with nothing but Hylands as far as the eye could see.  Paige.  And Brooke.  And Brooke’s All That Jazz chair.

I’m trying to decide at what age people should stop asking a young girl to do more elaborate chair dance straddles.  Is there a rule?  I think 15 years old is still ok, but somewhere between 16 and Freshman Orientation at Pittsburgh U is when you should probably hope she grows out of it and gets a real job at the mall to help pay the bills.

Maybe that’s just me.  But for now, Abby wanted more and she wasn’t getting it.

She was getting more than enough attitude from Mom Kelly early on, though.  You just stay tuned for a few more minutes.

Top row of the Pyramid was Maddie.  I attempted another unsuccessful KimFace and then we all got the rundown on this week’s itinerary.

Paige and Brooke scored solos.  Paige and Chloe scored a duet.  Paige would also be participating in the group routine.  And then, to guarantee Paige a better chance at blacking out from complete exhaustion, the Hyland posse was also invited to New York City a day early to help assist with the Open Call Auditions.

Along with Chloe and Christi of course, because when those two on again/off again BFF Moms aren’t punching each other in the throat they always come as a matched set.

Somebody else in the room did some quick math and realized that Abby had left out four of the kids from the Sheer Talent Competition checklist, but it was a false alarm.

The remaining girls would all be staying local for an extra day or two and participating in the NUVO Dance Convention right there in Pittsburgh.

That’s how you spell it.  I checked.  Be careful, tho, because the first time I Googled it I spelled it wrong and ended up on a birth control website and now I think I have at least two of the side effects from not reading the directions on the box first.


As the Moms all hit the MomPerch to have the same conversation they had last week, the rehearsal studio was rushed by two former AUDC finalists and then some serious cross-promotional pandemonium broke out.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition in the house, yo!

Kalani Hilliker and McKaylee True dropped down through the air ducts or broke through the plate glass window or something.  I don’t know how they got in.  But they got in.  And once they got past security they came stampeding into the room like the some Radio Disney boys were hiding under Abby’s Lane Bryant tunic.

For those of you with short term memory issues, Kalani was Abby’s favorite during last season’s AUDC run and McKaylee was the one with the Mom who wouldn’t shut up about being from Nebraska.

Turns out that Kalani would be doing a duet with Maddie at the upcoming NUVO Convention, so she was already in town.  They kind of skimmed over how McKaylee ended up in Pittsburgh, but she’s from Nebraska.  So there’s that.

The next day, all the Moms were back upstairs doing some kind of assembly line tailoring on matching pink costumes.  I still haven’t quite figured out why one week they get these fancy special order FedEx costumes for every dance and then the next week they’re all back up in the MomPerch weaving fabric on a loom so their kids don’t go on stage with sequins hot glued to their underwear.

I dunno.

During rehearsals, Paige was already filled with self-doubt and Brooke was missing one leg of her Purple Rain lace unitard.  And you don’t even want to get me started on Abby’s spray tan in that scene.

Seriously.  You don’t.

It was like that episode of Jersey Shore when Future Snooki came back to Seaside Heights and told Present Day Snooki to lay off the macaroons.

GTL in moderation.  Write it down somewhere so you don’t forget.

McKaylee’s from Nebraska, by the way.  Did we already cover that?

Then it was off to the Big Apple.  For Open Auditions.  And complete hysteria.


I’ve never seen so many screaming kids in onesie leotards in my life.  That had to have been way above New York State fire code.  Not to mention the rules regarding decibel limits for heavy metal concerts and construction demolition.

Seriously.  If I was working the Sheraton front desk and saw all those BunHeads piling out of a Greyhound I would have just left the room keys on the counter, turned in my name tag and hit the bar before they cut off my employee discount.

As you’ll recall, last time when Holly and Melissa accompanied Abby to Open Auditions, they got a swanky bake sale table and the Ziegler Zombies led the crowd in the group rehearsals.  This time around:  No table.  No rehearsals.  And the girls were even stripped of their ALDC logo tops.

It was right about now that someone plugged in the Kelly Keurig Coffee Maker and it started to percolate.  Is it getting hot in here?

One of the wannabe Moms mouthed off to Abby a little and talked some smack about Chloe, but it was nothing compared to the whack jobs in Atlanta so we can move on to the good stuff.

Like Showtime!  And Throw Down Time!

Sidenote: Please tell me you saw Mackenzie stop dead in her tracks and look back at some boys in the hallway when they arrived at the venue.  Oh Oh Spagetti-Os. Better keep an eye on that one, Melissa.

Paige and Brooke’s solos went just fine.  But if we’re being completely honest,  I can’t stand upside down on my neck with my legs split open like I’m uncorking a wine bottle with my head, so I don’t really know if Brooke nailed the form or not.

But from the couch it looked pretty good.

Throughout both performances, Abby trash talked the Hyland girls before sneaking off to meet Melissa in some hidden underground passageway where she spilled the beans that Kalani and Maddie’s NUVO duet might be making a surprise return in front of the judges.

Then all the Moms were in the freight elevator.  They spent a lot of time in the bowels of that building this week trying to figure out if Melissa knew whether or not the duet was happening.  And whether or not it would be judged and scored.  And whether or not Mom and Maddie were lying about any prior knowledge.


Let’s be honest.  Seeing Jill just hanging out inside a freight elevator in stilettos was worth the price of admission.  It was like she was breaking into a Neiman Marcus through the loading dock or something.

The drama was intensifying.  So this calls for the Cliff Notes version of the recap: 

Chloe asked Maddie if she was doing the duet.  Maddie said No.  And then they performed the duet.  Which is the opposite of No.

Back in the makeup room, the confrontation got ugly.  Maddie lied.  No she didn’t.  Yes she did.  Mom flat out asked her if she lied.  No, I didn’t lie.  I was talking about the NUVO duet.  Chloe and Maddie aren’t friends anymore.  Yes you are, honey.  Apparently we’re not.  Why can’t someone invent lipstick that doesn’t get on your teeth?

Out of the blue, Abby then paraded in Kalani’s Mom Kira, who was still all half Cher and half Fake Kristie Ray just like back in her AUDC Days.  Not too much of an awkward moment there.

It was hard to tell how much Kira really knew about what was going on since she probably hadn’t even unpacked her stuff yet.  So we’ll cut her a little slack on this one since she looked a little dazed.

After Abby compared Brooke’s wonky chair dance to Kalani’s offer to hit the stage and improv a solo like a rockstar, the rest of the room all watched Kelly start to unravel.

Except for Nia.  Did you see her way in the back just putting on eye makeup like it was Picture Day at school?  I love that kid.  If TMZ is showing up, Hellz to the Yeah I’m gonna have my two coats of Maybelline on.  The camera don’t lie.

Plus, don’t forget that it’s the International Year of the Nia.

But back to Brooke.  Mom?  Any thoughts?  Well, maybe you should replace her.  Kira was trying to figure out wassup with this crazy bitch.  Abby was sitting there going See…See how she talks?

Kalani…are you in the group  number?  I don’t think so.  Do you even want to dance, Brooke?  Answer me.


And then it happened.

Brooke sat there in dead silence wondering what happened to her phone while Abby tried to get a response out of her.  I just want your mother to stop talking for you.

Abby:  You’re 15 years old.  Grow the hell up.

Kelly:  Why don’t you shut the hell up?

It should probably be noted that throughout the entire screaming match Kelly was waving around one of those little Toddlers & Tiaras wiglets that made it look like she had just snatched somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot.  Just needed to be said.

Everybody got in everybody’s face.  Abby pointed.  Kelly pointed.  Abby tried to bite off Kelly’s finger like a State Fair corn dog.  Kelly pushed her finger into Abby’s cheek.

Wait for it.

Kelly slapped Abby.

Hard.  Not like on the Spanish channel telenovelas.  I mean a real chick fight one.  That you could hear over all the screaming.  And then Kelly lost her nutty and yanked Abby’s Lisa Marie Presley poof like she was trying to throw her to the ground in the middle of a WWE ring.

I know, right?  Whoa.

And then…chaos.

Luckily, Dr. Beyoncé was there and went into Flight Attendant Mode as soon as Kelly cracked Abby’s skull.  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls! Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!  Out of the room!  Girls!

She literally said it 4200 times.  I counted.

It actually sounds cooler if you sing it to the tune of the Beyoncé We Run The World song.  If they ever do a Dance Moms musical, I thought of it first.

Holly was pointing to the exits at the front and rear of the plane.  Oxygen masks were deploying from the ceiling.  The room tipped right and then left.  A rogue snack cart went rolling down the aisle.  Jill even put her head between her knees and covered her body with a Louis Vuitton pillow.  Melissa sent out a couple of texts.

Christi, on the other hand, just stood there motionless like she couldn’t remember where she had parked the car on Black Friday.  Not sure what that was all about.

Call the cops!  Assault! 500 pound hog!  More crying kids.  Holly all large and In Charge.


(Except for when she pushed Abby out of the way and ran out of the room ahead of her.  Please tell me you caught that.  Sistah ain’t no fool when the building’s on fire.)

All the Moms and kids huddled up in another one of the hidden catacomb rooms under the auditorium and shut the door in my face.  How rude.  I think the Phantom of the Opera guy even ran by in the background, but it was so fast I couldn’t be certain and the camera would never be able to find him with all those secret hallways.

Emotional scars and parental role modeling aside…what I really need to know is who was driving the getaway car?

Holly clearly has a Hall Monitor or two from her educational days working on the inside now, because she knew the cops were on their way before Abby even finished explaining to the 911 guy how Kelly gets her hair to look like that every day.

You can’t even make this stuff up.

You need to go now.  Go now.  Just go.  Trust me.  Go.  Through the back door and down this alley.  Hide in a dumpster until you hear two knocks.  Ditch your ID and you’re safe.

I don’t know what was going on, but some black SUV with no license plates suddenly squealed through the parking lot and Hyland & Co were gone before the Po Po even made it out of the station.  It was over.  Nothing to see here, people.

Oh, shoot.  Except we still had one more dance to perform.

The girls reblocked the group number.  And came in First Place.

Paige was no longer in the country, but her routine won 5th Place and Mackenzie stole her trophy right out of the MC’s hands.  Check the DVR.  She totally did and it was awesome.

Then some other kids won some other stuff.  But it really didn’t matter at this point.

The damage was done.

Dance Girls.  Dance Girls.  Whatcha gonna do?

Next week:  The Fallout.


Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Finally The Finale! Joffrey Ballet Scholarship…Here Comes A Winner!

Wednesday, November 20th, 2013




No. Really. I’m not even lying. Her Mom freakin’ literally said ‘Nebraska’ like 400 times. I get it, lady.






I could swear I just saw that Bow Bow JoJo’s van out in the hotel parking lot. Don’t even…






Beautiful Nebraska, the peaceful prairie land. Laced with many rivers and the hills of sand. Now just the boys sing!






OhHellNo, Bitch. I know you did not just lip synch that Flashdance song. Hellz to the No.







So I’m back, ya’ll. Where’s my check?








Oh, look.  It’s JoJo.







Honestly, I don’t even care who wins this thing anymore. I just want to sleep in my own damn bed.





The Finale.

After 11 tearful weeks of turned in/turned out trauma, Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition turned it up and crowned a Winner, sending one lucky girl home with $100,000 in cash and an “I ♥ Joffrey” bumper sticker for the family mini-van.

It’s true.  Somebody finally scored that elusive full ballet scholarship and a confetti cannon explosion, but only after everyone else was put through one last round of Mama Drama and a geography lesson or two.  Or ten.

Thanks, Shari.  We get it.  Nebraska.

Really.  If you don’t know where the Midwest is by now, you just need to go update your Google Maps app and finish this later.  And it probably wouldn’t hurt to learn the Cornhuskers Fight Song while you’re at it, since the birthplace of Kool-Aid seems to be a pretty hot topic lately.

(Seriously.  Kool-Aid was invented there.  And cows.)

If your drinking game word was “Midwest” or “Nebraska” or “Sas” you probably only made it through the first 15 minutes of the show before blacking out, so here’s what you missed while you were face down on the carpet…

The Final Four.  Kalani, Trinity, McKaylee and Giaaaaanna.

With one final mini-challenge to go before crowning (…sorry, I’m getting my dancers mixed up with my toddlers…) the few remaining members of the original AUDC flashmob were tying up loose ends back at the Bungalow before heading over to the studio.

Cindy was busy stressing out Giaaaaanna with a pep talk.  Rocking one of those baggy grey sweatshirts that you wear when you’re having a couple of beers and painting old lawn furniture in the backyard, Cindy pledged to not drive Giaaaaanna clinically insane as long as her daughter focused on the task at hand.  Gah, Mom.  Chillax.  Puhleez.

They’re from Philly, you know.  Love them.

Trinity and Mom Tina were under the assumption that the Joffrey Ballet had some secret basement room filled with nothing but stretching machines from the 1600’s and that after Trinity won the competition she would suddenly be as tall as Heidi Klum.  I swear Mom’s jacket said “Allegra” on the back, but I couldn’t figure out why anyone would name a dance studio after an allergy pill with so many side effects.  Whatever.  I’m not a dancer.


While Fake Kristie Ray Mom Kira plotted revenge against Cindy, Kalani had a nice talk with her Dad from his prison cell.  (That was a joke.  He’s not really in jail.)

At least I don’t think so.  It’s just that whenever you talk to someone on Face Time, they always look like they’re doing hard time on Rikers Island.  Really.  Call someone right now.

Am I lying?  It never looks like the magazine ad.  I should sue Apple.

And then McKaylee’s Mom Shari let us know they were both from Nebraska, in case you hadn’t picked up on that little bit of trivia over the past 11 weeks.

Across the street at the AUDC studio, the girls were met by Abby, Rachelle and Richy, who were all seated at the judges table.  Plot twist?


But first, there was a surprise video message from last season’s Winner Brianna Haire that flickered up on some fancy new high tech screens like Princess Leia shooting out of R2-D2’s movie projector nose.

Help me fix my sickle feet, Obi Wan.  Help me.

I always liked Brianna.  And Star Wars.

The final mini-challenge this week was to pick your favorite dance and do it again.  Like an encore.  Except you had to pick it, remember it, get dressed for it, fix yo’ face and perform it in the next 10 minutes.

Hysteria ensued.  The girls went into warp speed and the Moms went into warp spaz.

McKaylee did her Les Mis routine again, but without the sad Anne Hathaway chopped salad haircut.  Trinity did her Down N Dirty Diva duet routine, but this time without Honey Bow Bow JoJo trying to play catch-up on the eight count.

Giaaaaanna did her Zombie solo behind the tombstone again, while Kalani chose to save a horse and ride a cowboy one more time.

Unfortunately, as delightfully age inappropriate as Kalani’s routine was the first time we saw it, this week’s encore performance barely made it out of the barn.  She had trouble getting the elastic out of her hair to unleash the inner naughty cowgirl, got the lasso tangled around her own throat, fell backwards onto her saddle cushion after an ariel front sumthin sumthin and ended up being cut from the competition.


Because that was the plot twist.  One girl was being eliminated immediately after the mini-challenge.  Did I forget to mention that part?

And then there were three.  See you tomorrow.

And then suddenly there were six more as a stampede of former contestants stormed the castle.

Dat’s rite.  The TBoyz, Ally, Haley, JoJo and Kalani were back!

It should be noted that my girl Chloe was mysteriously MIA, which made me really sad since I was hoping to see Mama Angela testifying with her hands up in the ayah ayah one last time this season.  She was one of my favorites.  Holla at you, girl.

And how about Ally’s new and improved hair?  Buh Bye crazy curly ‘fro with its own zip code.  Hello sleek and shiny and straight like in the commercial.

Somebody got a flat iron for her birthday.

Tessandra Chavez put the kids through a boxing themed group rehearsal while Cindy lamented the fact that six more crazy bitches had just landed on Planet AUDC.

I also think that for the first few minutes JoJo actually believed she was asked back just so she could be declared the Winner as she pinged and zinged around the room.  I forgot how exhausting it is to live in JoJo’s World O’ Bows.

After finishing up rehearsals for Rocky XV: The Musical, the Final Three headed off to learn their own solo routines.  And to cry just a little.

Giaaaaanna and Mom had an Oprah Moment with Tessandra as they all sat on the couch and got real about Cindy’s divorce.

McKaylee, who was pretty much put on Earth to do ballet and attend Karaoke Night with the girls from the office every Thursday, didn’t even know the lyrics to her new song and it was messing with her head.

Yeah.  The girl who got busted every single week for 11 weeks for lip synching during her performances didn’t know the words.  It’s called Irony, kids.  Look it up.


Victor Rojas, wearing the best whacky tank top ever in the history of whacky tank tops, had McKayKay take a step back and just listen to the music.  She learned the lyrics.  She learned the story.  She let us all know that it sucks to be 13 years old with a Mom that doesn’t get it.  And then she and Sharit melted down.  Like they do in Nebraska.

Go ‘Huskers!

Trinity’s solo was dedicated to her grandfather who had just passed.  And Tarua Hall‘s signature jacket with the fur collar made another appearance.  That’s pretty much all you need to know about that one.  I love Trinity.

Back in the MomRoom, crazy-haired Melanie was attempting to crazy-toast the Top Three Moms.  With real liquor.

Any guesses how that went down?

Cindy got all Philly on everyone.  Kira couldn’t support Giaaaaanna because her Mom lies and cheats and passes counterfeit bills at Walmart.  Ally’s Mom Tiffany, who basically hated everyone and everything since Day One, decided to stick with that theme and just bad mouthed all the kids and parents in between gulps of complimentary champagne.

Stick with what you know, I guess.

JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was either wearing a wire for the Mob or is planning on writing a tell-all book when the dust settles, because she was noticeably quiet…just taking it all in before the attack.  She cracks me up.  I bet she is a complete panic at bake sales.

Finally, it was Showtime!

My boy Kevin Manno was all slicked back and gettin’ it done in one last slim fit suit for the occasion.  Tight and Right, dude.  Tight and Right.

Richy had pulled another sleeveless number out of his seemingly endless supply of cartoon vests and Rachelle was all Sparkles & Sas.  Sas with one ‘S’ that is.  And a trademarked ‘S’ at that.  Who’s Sas?  I’m Sas.  You’re Sas.  We’re all Sas!

Back in the Green Room, Abby pulled one last fast one and brought in Davis Robertson from the Joffrey Ballet to freak out the girls right before they hit the stage.

At the request of the producers, Mr. Joffrey was going to be sitting at the judges table this week in the hopes that his and Richy’s combined upper body strength would be enough to restrain Rachelle from kicking and jumping and werking and Biting The Apple every five minutes.  We only have two hours, people.


Rachelle trademarked that whole Bite The Apple thing, too.  Cuz she’s sassy like dat.

But since this was the Finale, you can’t just jump into the awards ceremony.  You have to milk it.  Haven’t you ever watched Dancing With The Stars?  Their finale goes on for like a week and a half.  Two weeks when Kirstie Alley lost all that weight.

So first up was Maddie Ziegler from Dance Moms!  Dancing her way to a television screen near you on New Year’s Day.  Set your DVRs!

This franchise does love that cross promotional s***.  Shout out to Holly!

After Maddie rolled and reached around the stage, Richy hit the footlights with something right out of a comic book.  I think he wore the same sunglasses as last year, but I could be wrong.  That bitch can pop and lock though.  And fight crime in high tops.

And then it was the Rachelle Rak Show as she Flashdanced her way around the stage while the Princess Leia screens all blinked ‘Sas’ over and over again.  I thought for sure it must have been some kind of subliminal message to buy her new song on iTunes or something, but ‘Sas’ spelled backwards is still ‘Sas,’ so I might be reading more into it than was actually there.

I’m not really sure if what Rachelle did was actual dancing as much as it was walking like Bette Midler and biting apples like she hadn’t eaten in a week, but the crowd went wild.

And you totally knew she was gonna rip off that shimmy skirt and go full out balls to the walls leotard by the end.

But, whoa.  Hold up.  Rachelle lip synched the entire time, which is exactly what she kept spanking McKaylee for all season.  Am I wrong?  Oy.

Head snap.  Hair flip.  Hand in the air.  And scene.

It’s called Sas, bitches.  And don’t your forget it.

Then it was almost time for the group dance and the Final Three solos.  Almost.  After some American Idol-ish home videos, of course.  Trinty has like 50 brothers and sisters.

Girrrl, that hip hop group routine was turnt up.  Turnt Up.  Which means it was really good.

Giaaaaanna had clearly been practicing her apple biting technique.  McKaylee suddenly found the personality that everyone had been trying to slap on her face for the last 11 weeks.  And Trinity and The TBoyz just need to take that shiz on the road right now.

Boom.  Boom.  One more Boom.  Pow.  And then solos.


Trinity’s dance incorporated so many turns and tricks that I got a little nauseous, but she totally rocked the house.  You can tell she’s got a trampoline at home.

Giaaaaanna definitely proved that she was the MVP for Most Improved Playa.  At least in the flexibility category, anyway.

McKaylee bobbled a few little nothings, but everyone still liked her routine.  It even made Richy suddenly talk in a really high cartoon voice for some reason, even though he took issue with a few moves.

Rachelle stood up and down a few more times and then they picked a winnaaaaahhh.

Trinity was the first dancer cut.

She kinda saw it coming, even though she was totz amaze balls on stage.  Until they figure out how to put lifts inside pointe shoes, I’m not sure if she’ll ever get the lead role in The Nutcracker.  But it doesn’t really matter since she’ll be dancing backup for Jennifer Lopez before you know it.  And sorry, but that is waaaay cooler in my books.

And then it was down to Giaaaaanna and McKaylee.

Philly vs. Nebraska.  Just like the Super Bowl, right?

Cindy cried.  Abby cried.  Shari cried.  Most of the Midwest probably cried.  And that was before they even announced who won the damn thing.

Ladies & Gentlemen.  Dancers and Wannabes.

Abby’s Ultimate Dancer for 2013…..


The crowd went bazoinkers.  The judges rushed the stage.  And everyone in Nebraska pretty much wet themselves in their overalls all at the same time.

We have a Winner.

Now we can catch our breath.  And catch up on our homework.

And wait for Dance Moms to come back.

Congratulations, McKaylee.

‘Huskers in the hizzle!  Way to represent.

As for me, I’ll see you all back in Pittsburgh before you know it.

Show’s over.  Go home.

The End.


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