Posts Tagged ‘Kamryn and Jodi’

Dance Moms: Tick…Tick…And Boom! The White Board Of Doom Just Turned Maddie’s Buddies Into Understudies.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

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So you really think it’s a good idea to do this right now? You do know who my mother is?

 

 

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I know, right? If you squint I totally look like Vanna White.

 

 

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Me? Just Grandma pillow fringe, some Spanx and a squirt of jerky juice. What are you wearing?

 

 

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Imma need one of you to hold my Ph.D. cuz Mama’s about to shut this thing down hard.

 

 

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Forgot his costume at home, but I got a 3pack of Hanes and a crayon. Guess it’s time to MacGyver some warrior s***.

 

 

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I told you NEVER shoot me from this side unless you want me going all Mariah on your a**.

 

 

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Can one of you stop yelling long enough to fix whatever’s going on with my hair right now?

 

 

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Srsly. If this chick doesn’t stop talking I’m going right over the back of this seat. Today is NOT the day, sister.

 

 

 

With apologies to the other Beyoncé

        Abby, can you handle this?

        I don’t think you can handle this.

Because like the song says…I don’t think you’re ready for this smack down.

I know I wasn’t.

Trust me on this one.  Don’t mess with Holly Frazier.

Just don’t.

If you’re pressed for time, that’s the short version of this week’s Dance Moms episode.

Thanks for stopping by.  Be sure to enjoy the rest of your day.

But if you’re sticking around for all the details, you’ll probably want to grab a snack and pop a B-12 or a couple of Stresstabs, because it’s gonna be a long one.

With only two competitions, a concert and a couple of recycled Director Cut edits to go before Nationals (…which you get to via that infamous Road to Nationals…) the tension was already on the rise inside the studio as the gang rolled in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Seriously tense.  To the point where you could almost peel it off everyone’s skin like that ratchet paint job on the outside of the ALDC building.

Which, if we weren’t so pressed for time and space this week, would open up a whole other ironic discussion on how Abby managed to criss cross the country on Lifetime’s dime rescuing every podunk studio in America but couldn’t find one painter on Craig’s List to fix up her own damn house.  Really?

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I’m being serious.  If that little pip squeak Sarah Hunt eats one flake of lead paint I’m calling Child Services and shutting this entire production down.

This week it was back to just the Original Recipe Moms and Daughters, minus the Hyland contingent, of course (…Holla back, gurlz.  We miss you!…) which made it much easier to keep everyone’s names straight once the drama really kicked into gear.

Because let’s be honest…after four seasons half the viewers probably still don’t know which Christi/Christ-y/Kristie is which until they start yelling at each other.

The Pyramid started out positively enough with a quick celebration of last week’s winning (…yet questionably maybe racist or maybe not depending on your chat room preferences…) Native American group routine.

Nia had proven that 2014 is still clearly the International Year of the Nia by killing the lead dancer spot in her big Village People headdress.  Even Abby gave her props, which made her get all smiley and do that shoulder thing she does when she gets all smiley.

And then Melissa and my MomCrush Jill did a quick palm-of-your-hand-on-your-mouth Indian Scalp ‘Um White Man Tomahawk Dance in the background that somebody probably should have pixelated out before Tuesday night, given all the recent controversy on ESPN.

Live and learn, I guess.  But since Jill only goes to football games so she can wear bulky sweaters and watch her daughter do cheerleading tumbles, I’m pretty sure that neither of them have even heard of the Washington Redskins.

And can we just pause here to properly acknowledge that the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch was totally on-point this week?

Because it was.  Dang, Miss V.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved seating for Kendall, Chloe and MackZ.  Nothing new to report there, except that having only five dancers on the clock clearly made it difficult for Abby to create an actual working Pyramid since Nia and Maddie ended up side by side above the other three girls.

mdSo naturally, I got all excited thinking that there was some kind of tie for the Top Spot, which there wasn’t, of course.  Maddie was on top again, even though she was really just to the left of Nia by about two inches.

Geometry and Dance were never my favorite subjects in school.  Let’s just leave it at that.

This week the Old Team would be headed to Wayne, NJ for another performance at the Sheer Talent Competition.  Just like the Candy Apples.

Yeah.  Those Candy Apples.  Here we go again.

Abby had some inside scoop (…those producers just can’t keep their mouths shut any more, can they?…) that Cathy would be bringing back Gino Cosculluela for a solo.

You remember Gino.  He’s that kid with the TV News Anchor forehead who gave Maddie her first BoyKiss during a duet a few weeks ago.  The duet that ended up sending her running from the studio in search of two tins of Altoids and a year of psychotherapy.

That duet.

I swear Gino and his Dad Mickey must live in their car, because all they do is zip back and forth between Ohio and Pittsburgh.  Can’t you just picture the trunk of their Mazda all full of school books and hair gel?

To compete against Gino and prove that he totally kisses like a little boy wearing braces, Maddie scored a ‘Fool Me Once’ solo.  Except that she might not even be around for the competition by the weekend, due to some mystery Miami Project that may or may not actually happen.

Or even exist.

It was a little vague.  But just to be safe, Abby pegged Chloe and Kendall as Maddie’s understudies.  That way, should Miss America no longer be able to fulfill her duties, some one else could step in and take over the role for the remainder of her reign.  Or something like that.

Side note:  Melissa made this face a lot this week…

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The group routine was entitled Playing With Matches.  Pretty self explanatory, even though Abby felt the need to point out that the girls would not actually be torching any buildings in New Jersey since that state already has enough problems.

We get it.  Mess with Abby, you get burned.

As the girls started flicking their Bics in the studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and quickly realized that Abby was crossing the line when it came to comparing all the girls to Maddie.  Enough already.

Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Why can’t any of you be like Maddie?  You’re not as good as Maddie.  Maddie is better than you.  Way better than you, actually.  Like Infinity & Beyond better.  That much better.  Which is a lot.

Holly was getting agitated.  Jill pointed out that the girls were looking defeated.  And Christi kept eating what appeared to be a box of those Goobers you get at the movies.  At least that’s what they looked like to me.  Girlfriend definitely had the munchies.

Everyone agreed that they should start keeping track of how many times Abby compared their child to Maddie, because that shizz just ain’t rite.  The Moms were at maximum capacity when it came to all this MaddieTalk.  Over.  It.

(Except maybe Melissa, of course.  Who I always feel bad for when this kind of thing starts happening.  She gets all squinty like there’s dust under her contact lens.  We love her.)

And then Holly started using Big Words.

Holly:  “We need a Quantitative Analysis.”

Christi:  “You mean, like a chart?”

Thank you for dumbing it down for the rest of us, honey.  Not everyone can afford Harvard.

Apparently there’s an App for That, because Christi immediately whipped out her iPhone and started tracking how many times Abby said the word ‘Maddie.’  So basically, what you’re telling me is that Apple can help you chart how many times your child is humiliated on national television but can’t get my f***ing mail down from the Cloud.  Nice.

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The next day, it got even better.

Jill showed up with one of those gigantic white boards that you always see in the deli when cheese goes on sale.  The kind of board that only comes clean with that special spray from Staples that smells like nail polish remover?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  No?

Have you ever accidentally pushed the wrong buttons on your remote and ended up on that cable public access channel where the guy is doing math in non-HD?

One…who watches that?  And two…he uses the same white board.

(Weekly Kamryn Beck-ism:  I bet she uses one in her bedroom when she’s calculating something that us normal, non-glitter headband wearing types will never understand.  Where has she been lately, anyway? #BringBackTheKiaKamster.)

The next 90 minutes or so were taken up with Abby yelling and screaming at everyone in the studio (…except Maddie, duh…) while Jill stood up in the Perch ticking off hash marks like she was counting down the days until her parole hearing.

It kind of looked like a cattle auctioneer and the final round of Wheel of Fortune and that lady score keeper from the Summer Olympics who couldn’t speak English all rolled into one.  I forget if I already knew that Jill was left handed or not, but it certainly explained all the bling on the right one every week.

There was also some drama with Abby and Gia trying to figure out what that white board was all about, even though all I really wanted to know was why Jill carries around a tripod easel and dry erase markers in her SUV.  Who does that?

If you watch South Park then you also got a pretty good chuckle when Abby said “Respect My Authority!”  My Authoritaaaaah!  

Hilarious.  But I guess if you don’t know who Cartman is then I just wasted your time.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Meltdown Time!

But first…

That little 12 year old bride having a complete spaz when the ALDC bus pulled into town.

That one right there.

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What the what with that kid?  Did she just get left at the playground altar or something?  Please tell me you saw that.  Buying the complete Season Four box set at full price is gonna be worth that 5 seconds of your life.  I promise.

(Spoiler Alert:  12 year old bride.  Hold that thought.)

As Abby and Company filed into the high school venue, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had somehow commandeered the front office and was squawking over the P.A. system like today was Fish Stick Day.

(Monday morning when the janitor opens the supply closet looking for those little urinal cakes, you know the principal is gonna fall out on the floor all terrorized with an apple duct taped in his mouth.  You just know it.)

Back in the makeup room, Jill wanted to know why all three girls couldn’t do the same solo in the competition.

Did I forget to say that Maddie didn’t go to Miami and was there with the ALDC?  My bad.

They also brought the deli board with them.  Because why not?

Flashback:  Even though Abby had previously put two girls into a competition doing the exact same routine before, somehow the rules were different in Jersey.  So it wasn’t gonna happen.  No other solos besides Maddie’s.  And no trio with a bunch of Maddie wannabe understudies bumping into each other and bringing down the scores.

And then Gino danced in his underwear.   I swear.

I think Gino is da bomb.  And a total playa just like Lady Killer Lucas Triana.  But I’m not putting Gino’s photo in this recap or I’ll end up on some government Offender Watch List somewhere.  Uncomfortable much?

Let’s just say that Cathy certainly saved money by cheaping out on costumes this week.

He rocked his solo, though.  And gave me some great moves to use the next time I BathroomDance in my tighties.

If I did that kind of thing, I mean.  Please.  I’m focused in the morning.m

Maddie was up next with her I Kissed A Boy And Hated It two step.  Abby couldn’t find anything wrong with the dance and Jill had to switch to a new dry erase marker because the old one ran out of ink.

And then it all went downtown.

Holly tried to explain to Abby what the board represented (…an ‘Observable’ for all you scientific MIT types…) but Abby wasn’t buying what Dr. Beyoncé was selling.

I can’t really even do it justice, but basically Holly stood loud and proud for all the other girls, past and present, that Abby continually beat down with her Maddie Mallet.

And it got real.

The ticks on the board represented disrespect.  And it was a big a** board, BTW.

Disrespect!  For Nia.  For Kendall.  For Chloe.  Even for MackZ, yo.

And then suddenly Abby announced some big Maya Angelou (…in an afro wig, no doubt…) extravaganza for Nia next week that nobody had even heard of up until this moment, but was now being benched because Holly had just confronted her in front of the other Moms like a Boss.

Nobody would know Nia if it weren’t for Abby Lee Miller.  You’re a grown woman taking it out on a kid.  You’re a baby.  Where’s the baby?  There’s a baby!  Got your nose.

Nia’s 12.  She’s not a kid.

She can have babies and get married in some countries.

Stop.  Stahhhp.

What.  Just.  Happened?

Melissa’s dirty contact literally popped right out of her head as Holly stormed out the door.  You’re ugly.  What you say is ugly.  And you just crossed the line.

Truth.

I don’t know where the Moms actually go when they storm out of a room.  They never take their purse or bus ticket, so I know they’re not getting very far.  But all the other Moms ran after Holly to make sure she was ok and didn’t assault that camera guy who was all up in her face like it was some Jersey Housewives Reunion.

Dude.  Back it up a few.  Mama is not in the mood.hf

Even Melissa tore down the hall, because at the end of the day, Friendship and Support is how they all roll even when they’re losing their nutty on each other.

(In case anyone cares, I also got up off the couch, put on my big hat and testified to Holly for Keeping It Real and saying what all the other Moms have been feeling for so long.)

Eventually everyone made it back into the auditorium to watch the Candy Apples bust out their group dance tribute to The Fault In Our Stars.  Cathy even gave the little girl one of those oxygen nose plug things like in the movie, but thankfully decided against the kids all dragging IV bags around the stage.  Probably a safety issue.

Not gonna lie, though.  The ALDC Moms could probably have used some of that purified oxygen by the time they found out that Abby pulled the group routine from the competition.

Because that’s what she did, just as they were about ready to hit the stage in their Li’l Abner acid wash denim overalls.

Side note:  Overalls are never an option.  Ever.  I would have cut the number just for the Farmer Pants.

Needless to say, backstage was not much fun after that move.

Holly and Abby went a few more rounds but Abby wasn’t even listening.  It was Her Way, or No Way.

It got heated.

How much is too much when it comes to taking somebody’s crap?  Melissa was obviously caught in the middle.  Jill and Christi sat in the choir getting all like MmmHmm while Holly ground her back teeth into chalk dust.

Aretha even stuck her head in the door and said R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  The Queen of Soul.

And then it was Abby’s turn to storm out of the room with one last zinger, leaving Holly and the other Moms to decide if this was even the right place for them anymore.

Holly:  “Get Some Class.”

Me:  “This is probably why they say never poke a bear cub while the Mom is standing right there in front of you spitting Big Words and dripping foam from her mouth.”  

And then I did my celebratory HollyDance.

Which is way different than my BathroomDance, FYI.

Oh, yeah.

Don’tchoo be touching the babies.

Not while Mama’s in the house.

Tick.  Tick.

And Boom.

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Dance Moms: If You’re Gonna Talk The Talk, You Better Walk The Dawg. It’s 3 Soloists, But Only One Star…For Now.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

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If I turn this way, you can totally tell I only had time to curl three pieces of hair before breakfast.

 

 

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I am phoning it in this week. Maybe what we need is fewer Girl Parties and more sugar.

 

 

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Nia in a dog collar? I swear, if that electric fence around the Moms wasn’t turned on right now…

 

 

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The Ellen Show has a game where you fall in a box and are never heard from again. Hmmm…

 

 

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I got carded at the Teen Choice Awards after-party! And Zac Efron was totally checking this out!

 

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Yeah. I know, right? Claire’s was having a sale. Look who’s wearing a trendy new headband!

 

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Really? So this how we’re gonna play the game today?

 

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I was wondering if you had one of those logo t-shirts in XS. And if you could make today suck any harder.

 

 

Here we go.

Another episode of Dance Moms.

And for the second week in a row, the New Team was MIA.  On hiatus, Abby called it. 

Just so we’re clear.  Abby spent the bulk of two seasons crossing the country looking for her new and improved Dream Team, threatening the Old Dream Team with their imminent arrival on a daily basis, auditioning them, training them, dressing them in ALDC tube tops and then ended up only using them twice before sending everyone on Spring Break?

Really?  Why didn’t somebody send me a text? I would have totally dropped everything and gone down to one of the Open Call Auditions if I had known it was only a two week commitment.  I never leave the house without my ATM card and some leg warmers, so that wouldn’t have been an issue.  Boy Scouts are always prepared, you know.

So yes, they were down a few dancers.  But no worries, because what they lacked in bodies this time around, they more than made up for in drama and headbands.

A lot of headbands, actually.  They were heavy on the headgear this week.

I blame that new girl Kamryn Beck for single handedly bringing back the noggin noodle.  She’s the one who was late to her first day at the ALDC because she was out in the parking lot notating the molecular density of a complex mixture of asphalt and mineral aggregates, trying to determine if the hydrocarbons were insoluble in carbon disulfide.

Seriously.  All I asked this chick to do was fill the damn potholes, not add another page to her resume.  Over-achieve, much?

We even got a quick flashback of the Kia Kamster listing off everything that she accomplishes in a day before I even get my a** out of bed.  Nice headband, by the way.

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As the Old Team scooted in for the Geometric Shape of Shame (…it wasn’t even a Pyramid, fercryinoutloud…) they were already down another dancer because Melissa and the oldest Ziegler were off in Hollywood taping The Ellen Show, where Maddie would be recreating the Sia music video.  This television appearance would give Maddie some serious national network exposure as well as give Abby the opportunity to say Maddie’s name like a mantra every 15 seconds for the remainder of the show.

Truth.  If you edit out the word ‘Maddie’ from this week’s episode there were only about 247 other words spoken for the entire hour and most of them were just Holly saying “OhNoTheyDin’t just put a dog collar on my baby” over and over again.

Count ’em.  I ain’t lying.

So the Pyramid of Shame was really just a square this time.  Maddie was on the bottom row because she was in Hollywood, which messed with my head because I thought the Pyramid was based on LAST week’s results, not the current week.

Poor punching bag Chloe was also in the basement because she fell during the “Broken Dolls” group routine.  I forget the exact ballet terminology for the move she wiped out on, but it sounded like when someone makes fun of how British people talk.

The final spot on the bottom was for Nia.  Ballet’s not really her thing either, but it doesn’t matter since we’re still in the International Year Of The Nia.  Snap in a Z formation.

The top row was home to newbie Sarah H., MackZ and Kendall.  Nothing earth shattering to report.  Sarah was still shaking.  Kendall didn’t appear to be breathing at all.  And MackZ get penalized for being short.  Thankfully her fish lip headshot was on the mirror or I would have completely forgotten she was on the show this week.

Abby announced that the gang would be heading to Shenandoah Valley for the Powerhouse Dance Competition.  Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos and the group number was entitled “Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves.”

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But not the hoochie kind of tramps.  Abby was quick to point out that these tramps were like Charlie Chaplin tramps.  So they weren’t dirty.

I dunno if it’s still fallout from that fiasco when the girls were all naked dancing with fans or what, but somebody in the Legal Department always seems to make sure Abby clarifies that nothing is ever dirty anymore.

Charlie Chaplin ate a shoe, but he wasn’t nasty.  Are we clear?

As the girls started rehearsing the not-dirty group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to discuss this whole Maddie Thang.  New Christ-y could already tell that Abby was grooming Maddie for super stardom and playing favorites.  Old Christi didn’t want to gossip, because you didn’t hear it from her, but she had heard that Sia’s studio called the ALDC looking for girls and somehow the whole thing ended up being an opportunity that was only offered to Maddie.

(Full Disclosure:  Old Christi also went on a Twitter bender after the episode and said that the show was edited and that she didn’t exactly say that exactly and that what she said wasn’t exactly…you know.  That also sounds exactly like I creep her on Twitter, which I don’t.  Because she won’t exactly follow me on Twitter.  So there’s that, too.)

My MomCrush Jill was understandably concerned that Kendall was once again only playing the role of Maddie and not really getting a chance to shine on her own.  I was understandably concerned that we were already three episodes into Season 4.5 and Jill hadn’t worn anything crazy yet.

I’m gonna need my girl to put on some ostrich feathers and throw a shoe pretty soon or we might have to break up.  I don’t wanna say I started something, but America lives for the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch.  I hope Daddy Vertes didn’t cut up her Chico’s card.

With three days to go before competition, Melissa and Mini-Sia were back in the hizzle bragging about their time with Ellen DeGeneres.  Maddie had slayed her performance, Sia had oddly faced the wall with her clothes on backwards for the entire song and Melissa had neglected to bring back even one postcard for her friends.

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Since Maddie was on another level now (…ALDC MindGames: The Sequel, coming soon to a theater near you…) Abby decided that Maddie should assist in the choreography.

That went over well as the solo rehearsals kicked into high gear.

Kendall’s prop was going to be a mirror and a big ol’ Phantom of the Opera scar on her right cheek.  Clearly, not just another pretty face.

Chloe had apparently somehow missed 4 years of dance classes and according to Abby was no longer a contender for the top titles, which made me want to immediately go and post a sad face on her Instagram account.  We love Chloe and her pouty face.

And then Nia came out in a dog collar and the party really got started.

Abby wanted Nia’s “Underdog” routine to be truly authentic, complete with barking and other canine randomness.  Holly wanted to go downstairs, take off her shoes and earrings and just lose her nutty but she knew how much Nia hates standing around in a dog collar and Petco leash while her Mom has a stroke.  So she didn’t.

And me?  Well, apparently I wasn’t paying attention in the beginning when Abby handed out the solos because up until this point I thought Nia was going to be the “Have no Fear! Underdog is Here!” cartoon.

Not gonna lie.  A little disappointed.

Holly was quick to point out that Jazz Dog Dances don’t win many trophies, which is exactly the discussion I was having over cocktails the other night.  What are the chances?

During another group rehearsal, I believe that MackZ and Sarah were somewhere in the building, but I didn’t actually see them.  Upstairs, Jill did some quick math in her head and realized that Maddie had somehow learned Kendall’s dance behind everyone’s back and wanted Melissa to fess up about how this keeps happening.

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Now I don’t know enough about home schooling to make any judgements, and I know people who are both for and against the topic, but when Jill pointed out that Maddie only goes to the kitchen table for one hour a day and Kendall goes to public school for 8 hours a day, I was all like Wait…What?

I’m leaving the debate for all the Gymboree chat rooms.  I’m not getting in the middle of this one.  All I know is that when I was in public school and I suggested that we only stay in homeroom for one hour and then go to the cafetorium and dance for the rest of the day, I got sent home with a note for my parents.  So I dunno wassup with kids nowadays.

But somehow Maddie got a private with Gia and learned the dance just in case Kendall disappeared in the woods behind the studio.

Chloe struggled a bit while practicing her solo because she hadn’t gotten to the studio until 3pm that day (…gah, school…) whereas Maddie had been at the studio since 8:30am.  Clearly the Ziegler Gurlz do their one hour of home schooling before sunrise while Melissa milks the cows out back in the barn.

And speaking of Gia.  She came in with the not-dirty-at-all Gypsy costumes and once again…one costume short.  No Tramp Tights for little Sarah.

Will somebody please dig through that landfill of a front desk and find Abby’s calculator so she can finally get a proper headcount?  Thank you.

Needless to say, Christ-y got all Not Very Christ-y-like and started to come unscrewed.

Side note:  Anyone else notice Christ-y’s hair?  I don’t know if she was in the middle of curling her hair when the Leggo My Eggos popped up or what, but she never finished.  It looked like when QVC demonstrates that contraption that gives you soft, luxurious beachy curls but they only do a few of them so you can see the Before and After difference.

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But it didn’t really matter, because the next thing you know Abby told Christ-y to pray to the God of FedEx (…good luck with that by the way, I try it every Christmas Eve…) and then all of the sudden she called Abby ‘Trash’ and got both herself and her tiny girl kicked out of the competition.  Again.

I swear it’s gonna be a race to see who has that stroke first.  Holly or Sarah.

Deep, deep…way deep…down Abby still has a heart I guess, because she felt bad and offered Sarah the chance to join them on the bus as long as her Mom didn’t come along.  Unfortunately, Christ-y wouldn’t let Sarah out of her sight and ended up taking her back home.  Where she has been “since birth.”

Which didn’t creep me out at all.

I guess four Dance Moms, five tweeny bops, a fleet of cameramen, two sound guys, my boy Director Jimmy and a bus driver who looks like Santa without a beard aren’t trustworthy enough to babysit Sarah for a sleepover at the Ramada.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Kendall’s costume was basically Maddie’s costume.  Jill was momentarily mesmerized by all the pretty sparkly stuff and it gave me hope that once the weather cools off a little bit, the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch will be back in full swing.

Nia’s costume was pretty elaborate and did kind of look like what you would expect a dog to look like if you put lipstick on it and let it do a Death Drop for treats.

Love me some Nia.  Even if it wasn’t the International…blah blah blah.  She’s awesome.

Chloe had on a leotard.  That’s all.  And an ALDC logo on her chest.  If Abby had thought to put “Kick Me” on her back with glitter glue she probably would have.  The only thing on stage lamer than her costume was the actual Powerhouse logo.  I don’t know why Abby has to be so mean to our little Chloebird.

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All the solos went amazeballs.  I could totally relate to how hard it is to dance while holding a vanity mirror.  Just saying.

And can we all just take a moment to truly appreciate Jill’s face while Kendall was dancing?  What the What was going on there?  Mama likes, I guess.

Miss Nia got all Mad Dawg and got it done.  She marked every judge’s hydrant, if you know whaddimean.  Take that, Abby.  Who let the dawgs out now?

Chloe got even taller and more graceful than last week.

Results:  Nia 4th.  Chloe 2nd.  Kendall 1st.

The group routine wasn’t dirty at all and came in First Place.  There was also a special award given to the emcee for rocking that argyle sweater and TJMaxx hat.  (Don’t forget that Back to School sales are already in progress, people.  Shop early.)

Back in the Science Lab/Makeup Room (…Seriously.  How many people do you think Googled the word “Homeostasis” after seeing that construction paper ransom note all over the back wall?…) Abby was still being Abby.

They team did good.  Very good, in fact.

But never good enough.  Maybe they needed to be threatened all the time.  Maybe they needed a new dancer or two to keep them on their sickled toes.

Maybe Nia could make a few more of those reactionary backstage faces, because they were The.  Best.  Ever.

Augh.  New dancers again?

Ruh Roh.

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Dance Moms: The In10sity Wasn’t Just On The Ohio Stage This Week. Maddie And Gino Sitting In A Tree…

Friday, August 8th, 2014

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Just so we’re clear. You’re a guest in my house. And my hair was straight when I walked in the door.

 

 

am

 

 

It’s easy, sweetie. I just always pretend there’s frosting on his face like this… Nom Nom Nom.

 

 

g

 

 

Now we’re talking. Lemme just put some new elastics on my braces and we’ll start this party.

 

 

m

 

 

Yeah. Not so much. But if I could pry Kendall’s Mom off Zac Efron? Totes McGotes yeah.

 

 

c

 

 

Long as everyone’s handing out kisses, somebody with sunglasses on her head is wearing flavored Chapstick.

 

 

mic

 

 

I hope I don’t hurt any of the kids when I throw myself through that plate glass window.

 

 

cn

 

 

I dunno. I can’t explain my hair, either. The box said it was easy but I didn’t have time to read the directions.

 

 

 

It’s true, you know.

Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

And girls make crazy faces when kissing boy’s braces.  Or something like that.

I forget exactly how it goes.  But regardless, you heard it here first.

Dance Moms was back this week and clearly our little bunheads are growing up.  Gone are the days of just counting how many somersaults Mackenzie can do before she loses another baby tooth on stage.  Now her name is MackZ, yo.  She’s got some pretty substantial Big Girl teeth coming in and an iTunes download moving up the charts.

Then there’s Maddie in that punk white Sia wig, getting all tangled up in hotel curtains, clinging to music video door frames and just generally freaking me out a little.

I mean, did you see her in that skin colored leotard getting all jiggy wid it?  Next thing you know she’ll be kissing boys, I tell you.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

First things first.  Which is always The Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for another round of geometric humiliation, it was obvious that the herd had thinned a bit.  After scooping up their second First Place trophy in two weeks, the New Team had already been given a week off as a reward for their hard work.

Really?  Two weeks on.  One week off?  Not a bad gig if you can get it.  Where do I sign?

Hopefully, the New Team was putting the time off to good use.

n

I’m thinking the Mall, maybe.

Jeanette‘s lawyer had mentioned to me in the Cease & Desist paperwork that she wanted to hit up some legging/jegging sales at (…anywhere but…) Forever 21, so this week was probably as good a time as any to get it done.  Tami definitely needed some new pants, because I can’t imagine that she wears those booty shorts year round.  I remember seeing on the Weather Channel that it gets really cold in Pittsburgh.

And you know Tracey needed to get something done with that bald spot in the back of her head.  There can’t be anything left back there after Tami snatched it during that whole front desk football tackle fiasco last week.

As for the other two Moms, Loree clearly already goes to Ann Taylor Loft every week, so she probably wouldn’t be tagging along.  And I’m sure Jodi was tied up helping Kamryn prepare for her bar exam or city council campaign or whatever the hell Little Miss OverAchiever 2014 was doing to keep herself busy during the break.

We love Kammie, if that’s her nickname.  Or the Kia Kamster, which I prefer.

Moral of the story:  All the newbies were MIA.

Except for shaky pup Sarah H., that is.  She stuck around as a “guest” of the Original Recipe Team this week.  Which meant that her Mom Christy (…with a Y…) also somehow snuck back in the building when Security went outside for a cigarette.

I’m thinking that even Abby is getting tired of the Pyramid lately, because once again it was just a straight line of photos with one straggler above the rest.  Seriously.  I could have done that myself with a yardstick and some double stick tape.

The entire Original Recipe Team was on the bottom because of their (…alleged…) bad attitude, both on and off the stage, when the New Team scored First Place last week.

Which meant that Sarah was on top by default, since she had performed with the winning group.  Which also meant that Holly and her soon-to-be patented HollyFace got all like SayWhaaa-?! and my MomCrush Jill did that eye roll thing that makes her bangs flick.

cl

Did I already mention that it was also National Dress Your Mom In Black And White And Take Her To Work Day?  Because it totally was.

Every single Mom.  Black and White.  Like they were doing back-up for the Rhythm Nation Tour or something.  Even that New Mom.

And she had on horizontal stripes, which…well, you know…

This week they were headed to In10sity Dance Competition in Cleveland, Ohio.  Candy Apple’s turf.  Cue the drama.

The group routine was called “Broken Dolls” since…der…they were all broken dolls after losing two weeks in a row.  The Moms felt that the girls were neither broken dolls nor sore losers, but had simply seen through Abby’s SetUpToFail master plan and reacted realistically when the results were announced.

Abby felt that she should just ignore their completely logical point of view and instead pimp out her recent appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few hundred times.

If you didn’t take a shot every time she mentioned DWTS and pass out before the first commercial break, then you learned that there was also going to be a DWTS-inspired duet entitled “That Girl Has Got To Be Kissed” starring Maddie and…wait for it…Gino Cosculluela.  (Insert tweeny bop swoon here, please: ____________ )

Gino is a tiny little charmer who looks like a CNN anchor and used to dance up in Ohio at the Evil Dance Lair.   He also always freaks out my Macbook’s auto spellcheck.  His Dad Mickey (…like the Mouse…) got a little nutty on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein the last time we saw him but apparently had not been buried alive behind the Beef Jerky Outlet as reported previously.

If Mickey was a Bronx Butcher he would totally be the kind of Bronx Butcher who throws meat against the wall if the cut isn’t right and then says something bad with his hands.

Father and Son would be arriving later.  Hold that thought.

Meanwhile, up in Ohio, Cathy was wasting no time getting right down to business.

s

And under Abby’s skin.

She was also messing up my television’s HD color balance buttons a little with whatever was going on with that new hair cut of hers.  Whoa.  It was like her original striped crazy hair was back, but cranked up a notch or two with the addition of a few chunky pieces that the stylist forgot to snip off.  Sometimes it even looked like she had just ripped the bleaching cap off out back and ran in for her scenes.  Looking a little moist up there.

One of the dreamy Nicks on her team was off in Spain doing something this week.  And Zack Attack Torres was doing something extra curricular with his dance, which I thought was strange since I always considered dance to already be extra curricular.  But whatever.

So in their place were newbies Evan and Alyssa.  A duet team to go up against the ALDC duet team, of course.

Evan was a cutie who kind of looked like he was wearing fake 1920’s hair and should have a Clark Gable mustache if he was old enough to grow one.  His Mom Vida had those big earrings you buy on Martha’s Vineyard when it’s too rainy to go to the beach.

Alyssa looked like she could be on DWTS in a few years (…shotski!…) but her Mom Meredith looked too young to actually be her Mom.  I’m going to need to see her driver’s license and then find out what moisturizer she uses.

The only two recognizable Moms left at the CADC were Brigette and Joanne.  We like Brigette because she’s always posting Twitter pictures and her kids are Lady Killers.  And of course we like Jo because she flipped every switch in the building that time Lucas called her kid a pissy little bitch, or whatever it was he said.

Chaos Cathy also had to finagle a new guest choreographer this time around since she had made Anthony Burrell so mad that he took off to do that Raising Asia Show.  And this time it was a doozy:  John Culbertson.

He’s the gentleman who may or may not have noodled Abby back in the day (…she does like her boys named John…) and has a Crest White Strips smile that won’t go away.  I’m sure you’ll remember him when you see him.  I don’t know if he bleaches his teeth or just always has a Miami tan, but you could read books without a nightlight if he was under the covers smiling up at you.

hf

And that totally didn’t come out the way I intended it, but you get where I was going with it.

The next day it was National Dress Your Mom In Pastels And Take Her To Work Day as the ALDC ladies hit the MomPerch during rehearsals.

According to the Frazier Frizz-O-Meter, the stress level had dramatically increased in only 24 hours.  I will go to my grave believing that the more curl in Dr. Beyoncé‘s hair: the more anxiety in the room.  You are welcome to  go back and check the tapes from any previous season if you don’t believe me and my completely unscientific research claims.

Maybe I should have Kamryn do a thesis on it or something.  It’ll give her something to do after she splits a few atoms in the lab and lands on Pluto.

As soon as Christ-y All Might-y started doing what she does best, Holly was all like “You’re a guest and that’s how it works.”  Two snaps.  Now hand me my hot rollers.

Back in Ohio, John was still smiling.

And then Maddie kissed Gino.  Eventually, anyway.

First they had to dork all over each other and giggle and run away to get Cootie Shots and then come back and wait for Maddie to completely melt down while Gino stood there looking like he’d just seen his first Playboy magazine.  Slow it down and re-watch it a few times.  If you don’t have acid flashbacks to your first cafetorium dance, then you’re lying.

You also know that Gino’s gonna put his retainer in that little black t-shirt pocket when it’s supposed to be in his mouth.

Finally, it was Kiss Time!  And they did it.  On the lips.  And then Maddie guaranteed Gino about 17 years of psychological shock therapy by running out of the studio like some rabid raccoon had jumped out of a garbage can and bitten her straight in the face.

Gah.  Chicks.

mk1

As the competition date grew closer, rehearsals finished up just under the wire as Christ-y kept getting more and more un-Christ-y like with Mickey.  She went a few rounds with him over whether Gino or Sarah should become part of the ALDC crew before he bailed on that crazy bitch and went downstairs to show Gino how a real man kisses the owner of a dance studio.

Wait.  What?

Thank you Christ-y for stopping that one before it burned into my plasma screen.  Mickey wet kissing Abby is not something I need in my life right now, thank you.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Since the event was being held in Ohio, all the Candy Apple groupies were on site with their hilariously bedazzled glitter glue poster paper signs and high pitched screams.  Something about how Brigette was carrying her giant coffee cup into the building also struck me as funny.  Not sure why.

Once everyone got settled into their makeup rooms, Abby found out that one of her many Johns was in the building and scooted out into the lobby for an emotionless hug.  Hope she didn’t get any of that fake tan on her during that fake hug.

(Come on.  JC had to be wearing some bronzer.  That tan was way too perfect, even by Miami standards.  Ask Brigette.  He was the same color as her Starbucks.)

I’m just jealous, Johnny.  Still friends?

Evan and Alyssa’s duet was great.  She was all flowy and fluttery.  He was all business on the top, party on the bottom.  How he managed to score a pair of Tami’s booty shorts in his size is beyond me.

Dude.  Not cool.  Not even with a fake mustache.  I don’t ever want to see those again.

mc

Maddie and Gino made out (…pun totally intended…) just fine in their DWTS-inspired duet.  With his little pink tie, Gino looked even more like he should be sitting in for Anderson Cooper while he’s on assignment in Istanbul.  Propped up on a couple of phonebooks, Gino totally has the forehead for news.

Both groups did well.  The Candy Apples “Conspiracy” dance looked like a bunch of Sheraton Bell Boys who had accidentally stumbled upon enemy secrets when somebody’s suitcase popped open in the elevator.  It was pretty slick.

The ALDC girls were broken ballerina dolls, complete with pink tutus and Pinocchio elbow joints.  Unfortunately, Chloe fell in slow motion coming out of a turn and that got Abby a little twisted in the audience.

But it didn’t effect their score, because the busted ballet took First Place, with the Candy Apples coming in Second Place.

The results were reversed in the Duet category, however, partly due to Gino showing too much CNN face and not enough of the ALDC version.  Abby didn’t like that and demanded that Gino and his Dad immediately evacuate the premises like they had just stolen something.  Not even a goodbye kiss.  After all that practice.

And then finally, since they were in Ohio and all, it was time for a quick hallway confrontation with Cathy.  The usual fat jokes and big nose jokes and then something about a $40 cow, which went right over my head since I’ve never priced cows in the open market.

There was also one of those plastic shelving units that Honey Boo Boo Child and her Mama use to stack all their mayonnaise directly behind all the Dance Moms while they were bickering.  It was for the Lost & Found, according to the sign, which I thought was odd since people could easily just walk right by and steal stuff off the shelves while everyone was looking at Cathy’s a**.

But I guess that would count as ‘Found.’

And then it was over for another week.

Until next time…

Muah.

Kisses.

c1


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