Posts Tagged ‘Kaylee Quinn’

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye.

Wednesday, May 11th, 2016

m

 

 

Does that fool even watch the show before he writes his blog? None of this makes any sense.

 

kira

 

 

You try finding a sitter in LA. They’re all at the beach or waiting tables until they get a call back.

 

 

 

bs1

 

 

Dunno if it’s all this screaming or my new glasses, but something’s about to give me a stroke.

 

 

lj

 

 

My old gig shaving beards off burly lumberjacks don’t seem so scary now, does it? Girl, pleez.

 

 

hf

 

 

I know if they put this graphic over my new dress one more time, Imma need to see that little man in the headset asap.

 

am

 

 

Not quite so tight, honey. Mama’s still not wearing a bra.

 

 

 

 

Hello.

And Goodbye.

Now sit yo’self down and stay there, please.  Because it’s time.

Time for big hair and even bigger drama as all your favorite Dance Moms put on their fancy clothes and head back down into that mysterious underground bunker for another Reunion Special.

Season 6 is half in the bag.  Let’s see how it’s gone so far, shall we?

Once Abby Lee Miller shows up, I mean.

Dat’s rite.  Tardy for the Party.  Again.

Abby was just pulling into the parking lot as the Moms all finished up hair and makeup and got situated in their plush new seating arrangement.  Because it wouldn’t be a Dance Moms Reunion if it didn’t start in complete chaos, right?

Look at Holly sitting on the set waiting for Abby.

h

Don’t even get a school principal started on Punctuality.

And while we’re on the subject:  How about that shiny new set?

Everything got another Beyoncé Upgrade, yo.

upgrade-4 552395928c858226178e1ad0bd06b563Including the audience, who clearly had gone thru some kind of sped-up soap opera growth spurt since the last Reunion Special and now looked less like a bunch of kids waiting to get slimed at the Nickelodeon Awards and more like a J. Crew casting call for the Fall 2016 catalog.  I can’t be the only one who noticed that.

They even had a stricter dress code than the Moms:  Shades of Blue and Green or you don’t get a wristband.  No exceptions.

Except for this one lady with the pink top, who gets a Pass because I’m pretty sure it’s Oprah in disguise.  Look at the lady behind her thinking this means she’s getting all those Christmas presents for free.

oprahEven the host got tweaked.

wtf2

My boy Jeff Collins was MIA, replaced by Jai Rodriquez and his OhNoSheDin’t eyeballs and jaw drop, which he put to good use throughout the entire hour.

qeye

You remember Jai.

Up until now, he’s probably best known for cleaning up all kinds of hot messes on Bravo’s Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.  Even though he was the show’s ‘Culture Vulture,’ I swear he was the one who taught us how to use Crest Whitestrips every week.

But that was back in the day.  Now Jai’s probably best known for taking the hosting gig that should have been mine.  Not complaining.  Just throwing it out there.

Side note:  I actually got some DMs asking me if Jeff was okay, since the whole world knows how tight we are…but honestly, he hasn’t spoken to me since I made fun of his GIANT pocket square a few Reunions ago.  Remember that?

It’s been like 3 years, dude.  Let it go.

And check out these two ladies.  They can’t believe that one chick totally disregarded the dress code memo and wore red anyway.

aud

I mean, look at her.  Straight up disrespectful.redAnyway.

Abby was late.  And she forgot her bra.

And did this on national television.

bra2Bonus:  Here’s the Professor from Gilligan’s Island also holding his coconuts in anguish.professor-coconutI’m pretty certain this is the bra Abby that was looking for…

ab1Remember that time?  That was the time when I promised to never use that photo again, so I probably should have used this one instead…
a3

…from that time when Abby had tan lines and was on whatever show that was where two loud ladies figure out your real cup size and then announce your measurements like they’re winning Lotto numbers.

Check out how fast the red car is going so they don’t have to see anything wobbling.

braRed Audi TT that crashed into a house in Suffolk

So, yeah.

Forty minutes into taping and Abby still had not found her seat next to Jai, so my other behind-the-scenes boy decided to just throw it to the first dance of the evening before Lifetime stuck another Little Women repeat in his time slot.

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Srsly.  Look at the vein in his head and the show hasn’t even started yet.

bsEventually, Abby managed to find her way out onto the stage.  I forget how long it took.

Notice how Melissa got the NeNe Seat next to Jai?  I see what you did there, Lifetime.

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Q.  Why is Jai so far away from everyone?  There’s not even anything on that little table.

jaAnd I thought I was the only one Abby had slapped with a 20′ restraining order.

The first round of discussions focused on how Melissa had announced the Zieglers’ departure from the show, so you know there was a lot of legal MyLawyerSaid blah blah blah flying everywhere.  Abby still couldn’t let that one go and for some reason felt that the announcement should have been made at a CNN press conference.

Because she totally said that.

Like somehow Maddie and Mackenzie leaving Dance Moms was akin to Cuba finally letting in the Kardashians.

You.  Sit down.  Nia‘s still on the show.  Relax.

trump-dismissive-gifJai:  Jill…what does Maddie leaving mean for Kendall?

MomCrush Jill:  I dunno.

jvSide note:  I expected Jill’s hair to be much larger this week.

Abby cut in and announced that Kendall would be re-recording some of her old songs as well as coming out with a new song and eventually an album.  Not sure if that was a show of support or a clever way to distract poor KK from getting more solos in Season 6.5.

Look at Abby calling everyone losers but doing it with the wrong hand.

loserThe question made for a smooth segue into the whole Brynn vs. Old Maddie vs. New Maddie saga, causing Jill and Ashlee to get so stirred up that they went another couple of rounds on who called whose kid stupid, pretty much reenacting the last 18 weeks of confrontations in much nicer clothes.

ashIt got heated.

Lawsy.  And my Daddy won’t be home for hours.

Look at Jay fanning himself like some southern belle.giphy-1fantumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500And then the Mini Me Moms showed up!

Tiffany and Kerri.

tkSari and her fingernails.sAnd Yolanda, who I think left as soon as Jai introduced her, because I don’t remember her talking at all during their segment.

yo

Oh.  Never mind.  There she is.

My bad.  Still there.

syoSide note:  Anyone else watch Mob Wives?  I loved that show.

Tell me the two of them don’t look exactly like Renee and Carla right before they used to throw down in Staten Island.

Renee and Carla:

FullSizeRender (20)Sari and Yolanda:

syoThat’s not a bad thing.  I love all four of those ladies.  But you know I nailed it.

Game Time:  Mob Wives or Dance Moms?

Get it right and you could win one of Nia’s over-stuffed dance bags.  You see all the crap she can fit in there?  Who needs that many thera-bands in their life?
Screen-Shot-2012-12-17-at-6.29.37-PMKidding.  There’s no prize.

Sari felt that the touching dance Areana had done in honor of her brother last week had been downplayed, which opened up that whole can of worms again.  Between what Melissa said and didn’t say and what was edited and not edited…you know I’m still not touching that one.

Not even with that 10 microphone pole that Abby keeps shutting in the office door frame.

Not gonna do it.

Especially when it’s just about to get real good.

j3

Jai-by Baby asked Abby what her biggest concern was now that she was in the middle of all this legal dramzzzz.  You know.  The federal investigation into missing money and stuff.

Yeah.  He went there.

Abby was all like…

tumblr_m8cpkvsEZC1qlvwnco1_400…and then responded that her biggest concern was that ‘they’ told Jai to say it and he said it.  Abby don’t play when it comes to TMZ.

And what about when Abby was missing in action for so many competitions?

What sup wid dat?  Anyone?  Jessalynn?

jss

My Three Favorite Things:

Pizza.

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#HollyFaces.

hf4And Jessalynn stirring up s***.

tumblr_o43knwSvll1tb8iyko1_500Like right at this point when she blurted out that one of Abby’s biggest meltdowns this season was caused by finding out “that little girl Chloe” had just gotten a movie role.

Wait.  What?

Did she just say–?

Yeah.  That Chloe.  giphytumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500We love Chloe!  And it’s true.  She’s gonna be in a movie.  So proud!

Side note:  Remember when Chloe’s Mom sent me that photo of Holly reading a book and eating an apple next to a dumpster?  It was so random that it was probably the most awesome thing anyone has ever given me that wasn’t clothes.

Jessalynn got all like…

tumblr_mfwu2uFZoZ1qfkgtwo1_500And then Abby got all like…

cc2And then Jessalynn got all like “But I Can” and then touched her hair.

Q.  Was it just me or did JoJo‘s Mom touch her head a lot this week?jh46359486545315238671539361387_XPS4tzRAYc8NhHbHmp765SUSBVq2fsFWVLtLV6W8zfHzNkAc374j4wmDTk15Ya5-PbDB7wNWIn0pxrAkPPl5uPzxC942Qdsfo-luQok0z0PM6uP_jzR6BDH2M4LkoT2u9HhoFQKPjhtumblr_n2rky5nJZ21qk08n1o1_500jh2Maybe it was just me.

Luckily, the Voice of Reason took over as Holly defused the situation by discussing how she had taken matters into her own hands and gotten the girls some #DebbieFace time with Debbie Allen.

Look at how #KrazyHappy Holly looks right there.  I forget why.

h2Disclaimer:  I’m gonna pretend that Jai didn’t ask Holly how she felt now that Nia was one of the last remaining original ALDC dancers, because…duh…she’s the ONLY remaining original ALDC dancer left and…ummm…

giphy

Unfortunately, that Moment of Clarity (…still available online, FYI…) was just the calm before the storm, because all of the sudden the whole crew was back on that whole #BabySitGate scandal again.

Did she or didn’t she?

Did Kira really pawn Kalani off on Melissa for 3 months so she could take her newborn baby to the park in peace?  Did Melissa feel used?  Who was Kira really aiming for when she threw that water bottle?  Did Melissa really not sleep for 7 days worrying about Kalani’s sore back?  Does Melissa even know that if someone has a broken back they’d probably be paralyzed right now and not doing African dance with Nia?

And isn’t it racist to make all the people with glasses sit in the same section?

glasses

Or at least hilarious?  How does that even happen?

Who knows.  And who cares.

All that really matters is that we got to hear Jess tell Kira that she she’s not actually the most brightest person in the room one more time.

Oh.  And we got to see this guy in the green button down hating his life right now.hate

True Fact:  At every Reunion there’s at least one guy who gets tricked into showing up cuz they tell him it’s a sports bar.  I love this show.

And then it was down to the last 6 minutes of Melissa’s time on Dance Moms.

Forever.

Which meant that we got one last montage of tears and giggles and Kristie Ray and Melissa flashing the other set of Ziegler girls to an unsuspecting Mardi Gras float.

And Kelly and Christi, too!  We miss them so much!

If you’re keeping score, we even got to see half of Rachelle Rak‘s face while Melissa ugly cried at the microphone again.

Half?  Really?  You’ll be hearing from our sassy lawyers soon.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that the Ghost of Season One Abby showed up for a brief second in the Green Room.  Because it did.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

s1aAnd then it got pretty emotional.

Abby broke down a little and talked about the passing of her Mom and Broadway Baby when asked how she felt about the changes in her life.

Even Ashlee teared up as everyone started saying their goodbyes to Melissa.  Shout out to Brynn’s Mom for showing some love for Mackenzie.

ashHolly cried.

hcry

I may or may not have even had to dramatically blot for a second.

crying-gif-glee-i11Until the booze got served, that is.

Cuz that always turns them Dance Mom frowns upside down.

Everyone grabbed a champagne glass and toasted to Melissa and Sisterhood one last time as they hugged it out.  This was it.

The last time they would all be getting Ziegler wid it.

Who knows what the future holds for the Z-Team.  Only time will tell.

But I’ll miss you kids.  And you too, Melissa.

Almost as much as you’re gonna miss me, right?

mfAnd scene.

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Dance Moms: When The Music Stops, It’s All Over. Maddie And Mackenzie’s Final Moments With The ALDC.

Wednesday, May 4th, 2016

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Well you know this s***’s all going on eBay tonight. I don’t need your Lifetime checks, Boo.

 

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Buh Bye.

 

kph

 

 

 

 

I’m just saying I got my phone on me 24/7 and not one of you could call for my damn hat size?

 

cbp

 

 

 

You can all have jackets if you don’t mind Paige, Brooke and Chloe being embroidered on them. It’s all I got.

 

rrk

 

 

 

Would’ve been nice if someone told me you were all like 2 feet tall before I paid good money for this dress. I can’t breath.

 

Tumblr_m9w84jlGcs1rr2hb0o1_500

 

 

 

 

Buh Bye.

 

hjc

 

 

 

 

Girl…I know I didn’t spend 3 hours in a salon chair just to wear a Joan Collins hat all afternoon.

 

 

 

And just like that.

The end of an era.

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After 6 seasons of twists, turns, tears and orthodontics (…remember when you couldn’t be on the ALDC team unless you had braces?…) it was finally time to say goodbye to Maddie and Mackenzie this week as Dance Moms sent La Famiglia Ziegler off into the Hollywood sunset in search of bigger and better opportunities.

Their time at the Abby Lee Dance Company was coming to an end.

Or at least the TV Show part.

And the Elite Competition part.

But beyond that, everyone was a little fuzzy on whether MackZ would be retaining her copyrighted Hip Hop persona and still dropping it like it’s hot back in Pittsburgh while Maddie was off padding her resume with more acting gigs and SiaStuff.

I guess only time will tell.

Regardless, they were moving on.  Saying goodbye to Hollywood, as it were.

Had it really been 6 years already?  What happened to these little squirts?

fe95cea0-ac0a-0132-454e-0ebc4eccb42fIt seems like only yesterday.

Especially since I blew off last week and didn’t do a recap, right?

I know.

tumblr_o5iyk8GrX41tb8iyko1_500How many times you want me to say it?

Side note:  I got more #HateTweets for missing a recap than I get when I actually write a recap.  Make up your mind, people.

I don’t think I understand how the internet works anymore.

After a week that saw the return of a whole bunch of ALDC Minis, followed by the exit of at least one ALDC Mini (…I believe that brings the count back down to 4 again…) it was finally time to bid the Zieglers adieu.

Full disclosure:  I have absolutely no idea how many of these hyper Minis are actually in the building at any given time now, because some weeks we seem to go from none to 100 in the span of just one commercial break.

And don’t they say that for every one Mini you can see, there’s at least 10 you can’t see?

Maybe that’s field mice.  Or squirrels in the attic.  I forget.

aeBut they’re so stinking cute it doesn’t even matter.  Look at that li’l nugget.

This was going to be a busy week for everyone at the ALDC.  And hectic.  And more than likely, emotionally awkward as everyone dealt with the Ziegler exit in their own way.

Like Abby, for instance, who chose ‘denial’ as an option, resulting in Melissa making this face a whole bunch o’ times during the Pyramid of Shame.

m

Really.

It was like Abby wasn’t even going to address the fact that two of her top dancers were checking out at the end of the week.  What do you think of that, Melissa?

mThis week was also Head Shot Week for the new Minis, which kinda sorta implied that maybe the tiny tots would be receiving permanent team status.

Or not.

Regardless, given Abby’s track record for multi-tasking, the general consensus was that a photo shoot could potentially take some attention away from the Elite team and the Ziegler’s last week with the ALDC.  What do you think of that, Melissa?

mWith so much activity this week, we’ll skip the Pyramid to save some time.

Just know that Maddie was on top because she came in Fourth Place and Brynn was on the Bottom because she came in Third Place.

And Ashlee made this face because Dance Math is hard.

ashSince this was Maddie and Mackenzie’s last week (…Drinking Game Alert…) everyone had hoped that Abby might have some Words of Wisdom for the girls as their time with the team came to a close.  You know…something motivational and/or inspirational.

Something other than “I took these girls from their average, suburban, hum drum, Sam’s Club, Costco Sample Day, get your hair done at JCPenney, Buy One Get One at Old Navy, Blue Collar life of misery and made them stars,” I mean.

Because that totally happened.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace a few million times.

hAnd this one.

h1I heart Holly.

This week, the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Riverside, CA, which is another one of those competitions where you get your critique right on stage the minute you finish dancing before you can even grab your water bottle.

I’m not sure how safe it is from a hydration point, but I find it enjoyable.

The Big Girls would be performing (…freakin’ finally…) a Hip Hop routine, since the Z’s both love doing Hip Hop.  And it’s their last week.

And time to take another shot.

giphy-1Both Maddie and MackZ scored solos, because…you know.  And the Minis got assigned one of Kendall‘s old numbers (…the ‘Kiss’ one…) and even got KK to help with the flashback choreography, which made my MomCrush Jill pretty happy.

Tiny Areana would also be performing a solo in tribute to her brother, Jordan, who suffered a disabling brain injury after open heart surgery when he was 3 months old.

If you didn’t cry a little bit when her Mom, Sari, told that heart wrenching story surrounded by all the Minis in a group hug, then I’m afraid we can’t be friends anymore.

sI can’t even imagine.

acryI also can’t imagine how a 4 year old already knows how to cry and dab her eyeballs like she’s on a soap opera.  I love this kid so much.  To Infinity & Beyond.

Out on the MomBleachers as the kids got to rehearsing, everyone was curious if Melissa recalled what Maddie and Mack’s first solos were 6 years ago back in Pittsburgh.

Google Results:  A picture-in-picture moment that was part retrospective, part Super Bowl.

pip

Let’s go to the video tape.

fbMackenzie’s so-not age appropriate gold bullion earrings, tho.

Darling, I’m getting bored with this interview.  Somebody get my Hello Kitty fur stole and have the valet bring the Barbie corvette around front, please.

I just can’t.

Side note:  Randomly insert #CryingMomFace wherever you would like this week.

hug

Side note #2:  Are we just not going to address this handbag?  Are those LED lights?

bag

The next day was Head Shot Day and the Minis all arrived like they were pulling up to the Warner Brothers Studio lot or something.  What is this kid even looking at right now?

ari

You bettah werk.  Flashbulb.  Flashbulb.  Two snaps.  Flashbulb. Flashbulb.

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Needless to say, Abby barely acknowledged that the Big Girls were even part of this episode as she bounced between all the Minis rambling about Legacies and Duck Faces.

What do you think of that, Melissa?

m

Full disclosure:  Right around here somewhere was a really messy interaction between Sari and Melissa that didn’t go over very well on Twitter.  I’m not even touching it.

You know how we play here.

Please take all remaining issues to a chat room of your choosing.

We need to keep it light.  Because it’s lunch time.

giphy-2Ok, Ashlee.  Today you can.

All the Big Girl Moms played nice for an afternoon and went to lunch together where they reminisced, told old war stories, cried some more and then raised their glasses in a toast to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Dance Bag.

Look at how Ashlee’s glass is already half empty and Kira’s on her second refill.

toastgiphyFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for the Original Recipe Moms to arrive at the venue all like..tumblr_m4bcqiubv01qhie18o11_250jhttumblr_nj0xs0vzBd1tmcmg4o8_400m2opening-credits-13-joan-collins.nocrop.w529.h414What the what?

And why are they doing makeup on the Dark Shadows set?  Is that a candelabra?

candWhere do you even buy one of those in 2016?

Film_727w_Innocents_originalTurns out that the hats weren’t (…just…) a fashion misstep, but also a not-so-subtle representation of how the Moms were all in Mourning because it was their last competition with the Zieglers.  Because, you know…it is.

Peyton‘s Mom (…whose hair looked nice this week…) thought they were all being straight up bougie and didn’t want any part of it, thank you.

She’s sassy.

peyAfter Abby offered up yet another exceptionally awkward pep talk…

m…it was time to dance.

And to see Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak as emcee!  Whaaaaaat?

Dat’s rite.  My girl was off the judge’s table and up on stage running this whole shindig for a change.  Mama knows where the good lighting is.

Bonus:  Here’s another shot of Rachelle driving to work.  You can tell it’s a different day than the last competition because the plane is facing the other direction.

wonder-woman-invisible-jetAnd here’s another shot of the night she took a bunch of her friends out to dinner and one of them was so drunk he couldn’t find his phone or the plane.

tumblr_mcrc7frd9O1qirsuqo1_500Fun Fact:  Broadway people are hilarious.

Side note:  Rachelle’s micro dress must have been made out of the same fabric as her plane, because you could barely see either one from the stage.

Dang, girl.  Put some clothes on, there’s kids in the room.

I love her, you know.

Areana was up first with the dance for her brother.  And Jordan was there in the auditorium!  He made it for the performance and it was so emotional from start to finish.

Even when Abby went up to meet him before the show started you couldn’t help but get a little misty.  Look at how excited he was to see his little sister perform.

jAfter the routine, Rachelle sent Areana down into the audience to hug her brother and I may or may not have lost it for second.  She loves him so much.

ajNext up was Mackenzie and some naughty editing showing Abby on her iPhone.

I see what you did there.

amClearly, the days of MackZ bouncing around in a mouse onesie are long gone.

The judge even called her a “Powerful Pocket Rocket…”

ERsSj…which I’m just going to blame on Rachelle’s dress and move on.

And then it was time for Maddie’s solo.  And time for everyone to get choked up.

zieglerlastdanceThis was it.  The last one.

For all the squawking and talking about it, the time had finally arrived.

Melissa ugly cried.

melAbby did whatever this thing is and then ugly cried as well.

almI’m pretty sure Holly even thought that it was Nia‘s last dance and started bawling.

bangs-1

#Bangs.

nm

When it was over, Melissa was really starting to percolate over Abby’s lack of concern and attention for her daughters, given the fact that they were leaving the studio forever in 3 hours.  Abby’s focus seemed to be only on the Minis and the Minis and the Minis.

And the Minis.

And Melissa wasn’t liking it.

Backstage, Abby gave one last (…slightly snarky…) pep talk to everyone, pointing out that the Zieglers may be leaving for something bigger and better…or not…and that it may just be a blessing in disguise for (…slightly subtle camera shot…) others.

n#NoBangs.

Check out Brynn getting all like ‘What’s Happening Right Now?’ 

bm

And then somehow Sari and Melissa started screaming at each other and Kira stood up for the Old Moms while the New Moms rallied behind Sari right before Melissa blurted out that “The fans will not love you.”

What?  And why didn’t Kira get a hat?

To ease the tension, here’s a photo of Jill and Melissa at Graduation.

mjvBy the time the Minis hit the stage in their little KissLip dresses, I think we were all ready for some light hearted pre-school tumbling.

kissFashion Watch:  You can eyeball it or grab an actual tape measure, but I swear Rachelle’s dress is the exact same size as that kid on the end.  Am I right?

rrkmGah, I love this chick.  How do I not have a walk-on part in Hamilton yet?

And then it was time for Maddie and Mackenzie to perform with the ALDC Elite Team one last time.  And time for the ugly crying to get even uglier.

tumblr_o6mc809Tl11tb8iyko1_500tumblr_o6mca1aRvv1tb8iyko1_500By the time Rachelle called Mom up on stage, it was all over.

Melissa was a mess.

wiig-out

Look at Rachelle trying to do something with Melissa’s hat hair.  Good luck with that.hathAwards:  Areana…Second Place.  Mackenzie didn’t even place, which was not cool for her last ever ALDC thingamajig.  Imma need to see some judge’s sheets asap.

Maddie took First Place for her solo, which lead to a quick #MorphingMaddie video montage where they magically spun her from kindergarten up to the present day.

Like this.  But not really.

Oo9vbNeedless to say, both the Minis and the Big Girls took First Place for their group dances.

Which called for a party.

Which, conveniently enough, was all set up back stage with balloons and cake and those exploding pop sparkler things that can poke your eye out if you don’t point them in the right direction.

Side note:  Nia and Mackenzie clearly know how to party, because cake and toot horns were flying everywhere.  I love these kids.  And were those Tiffany bags?  Excuse me?

mdd

Unfortunately, Melissa wasn’t feeling it.

Abby still wasn’t saying any final words to the girls, except for critiquing their last dances.

She saw mistakes.  And Melissa saw RED.

mzgI’m done.  I’m leaving.

Some screaming.  Some head shaking and hand waving.

Not the way I thought it would end.  Unfinished business is The.  Worst.

The cake looked good, but the rest of the party tanked pretty fast.  The Minis got a spot on next week’s Pyramid as the Old Moms tried to figure out how to get Melissa and Abby to talk it out.  Maybe at the Mid-Season Reunion coming up next week?

The one where Jai Rodriguez stole my hosting gig.  That one.

From the Mouths of Babes:  Mack said stay humble and positive.  So I will.  For now.

mckzAnd then it was over.

Melissa took off.

Everyone else enjoyed a few more awkward moments before scooting out.

And then the Zieglers were gone.

Vanished into thin air.

Forever?

fireball-z-smoke-trail-zorro-fireballWe miss you already, kids.

Peace Out.

fae316315e923572a30af3bb05c4182b

Dance Moms: Attention, Please. We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Dance Show For A Big Announcement.

Wednesday, April 13th, 2016

m2

 

 

Honestly, I wasn’t planning on telling anyone. I was just gonna stop showing up after Regionals.

 

 

mk

 

 

No clue what’s happening right now, but somebody better get me chips before I lose it.

 

 

grph1

 

 

Think these new graphics could be any bigger? If they cover up my hair, I swear to God…

 

 

raw

 

 

 

 

 

Same.

 

 

jv

 

 

 

 

Srsly. What is this…CNN? Get this damn thing off me. Do they even know how much this top cost?

 

mkoh

 

 

 

Oooooooh, gurrrl! You can keep all your Hello Kitty toys. That boy Chris Hemsworth is FINE.

 

 

hunt

 

 

 

I know I didn’t fly Coach half way across the country just to be in one episode. Really?

 

 

 

Brace yourself, folks.

And maybe grab some Kleenex and your microwave movie popcorn.

Because Dance Moms ’bout to tug on your heart strings and pimp out Charliz Theron‘s new movie like nobody’s business.

And they’re gonna do it all at the same time.

So, yeah.  Brace yourself.

The Short Version:  After months of tabloid speculation, Melissa finally came clean about La Familia Ziegler’s future with the ALDC and she pretty much broke the internet.

Like this.

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Which, purely by coincidence, happens to be a clip from the aforementioned new movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which opens in theaters around the country on Aprill 22.

Side note:  Feel free to Fandango the (bleep) outta that thing after you finish reading this hilarious recap, because there has to be at least one scene from the movie that wasn’t already slipped into this week’s episode, right?

Not this one, necessarily.
anigif_original-11552-1447880040-4That’s actually me on one of my Sunday Spa Nights after luxuriating with one of those anti-eye puffery things that you keep in the freezer overnight.

#BagsBeGone.

And not this one.

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That’s when Christi and Kelly had that fight and dropped F-bombs all over the place.

But you get the idea.  Go see the movie.

Anyway.  Back to Dance Moms.

We started out in the ALDC LA parking lot this week where all the Moms and kids were gathering for the day’s festivities.  Kira was back again (…she’s on the Every Other Program…) which meant that Kalani was back.  Which meant that all the girls were excited to be together again.  Hugs everywhere.

And gossip, of course.  Always gossip.  Because Kira needed to be brought up to speed on all of Melissa’s vaguery (…is that even a word?..) regarding whether she and her girls would be returning to the Team next season.

Side note:  Nobody seemed to be overly concerned about the guy who ran past my MomCrush Jill and then disappeared down that back alley, so I didn’t panic.

hood

Remember WinterCoat Guy who was so overdressed in the studio a few weeks ago?  I’m gonna assume Sweatshirt Guy was the same dude from last time in the Old Navy puffer and scarf even though it’s a consistently humid 85 degrees in LA this time of year.  He’s probably just one of those people who’s always cold.  My great-aunt was the same way no matter how high she cranked the heat in her house.  It was like a sweat shop up in there.

After all these weeks of USWeekly leaks and chatroom mockery, Melissa finally came clean and told the Moms that…yes…it was true.

Wait for it.

She and Maddie and Mackenzie would no longer be part of the Elite Team in 4 weeks.

Dat’s rite.  One month.  And then they’re moving on.

Wait.  What?

Everyone got emotional.  Melissa got emotional…

m…before accidentally letting a little ‘See You Later, Suckahs’ slip out.

m1But then she regained her composure and headed inside to tell Abby the news.

And maybe even Mackenzie, too.  Because that would be nice if her kid knew what was about to go down.  Because MackZ had no idea.

Did I forget to mention that part?  Because Melissa sure did.

Turns out that MackenzieBoo had no clue her days with the ALDC were numbered.

Duh.  Maddie knew, obvi.  But not MackaDoodle.

Don’t even start.  I’m not one to tell any of these Moms how to do their jobs.

Granted, I have no problem telling them what to wear or when their hair is a hot mess, but I always pass on anything that falls under the ‘Don’t Tell Me How To Raise My Kids’ umbrella.  They know best.  Not me.  And not you.

Luckily, Dr. Holly came through as the Voice of Reason (…again!…) and convinced Melissa that EVERYone needed to know what was happening.  Which in itself was a good thing, because it meant that maybe Holly and Sasha Nia would actually get to participate in this week’s episode.

What was THAT all about last week?  Hardly any FrazierFace Time?

#NotLikingIt.

n

Yeah.  What she said.

Needless to say, the conversation between Melissa and Abby was pretty emotional.  Their blood pressure numbers were probably almost as high as the inventory count on all those clear Tupperware bins piled up to the ceiling in that crazy back room.  You see that?

I swear there are more of them every week.

It looked like Target on the Day After Xmas when they line every aisle with those things and then never have enough carts to actually transport them to the register.  I’m not carrying 5 of giant storage containers all the way through the lingerie department just to find out that the self-checkouts are off-line, thank you.

Melissa walked in and did this for some reason.

m3

Here she is on a different day, in a Sears store, doing the same thing again.  yobtwball

And then she Ugly Cried.

mcAnd then Abby took it to a whole other level and did whatever this was for a few minutes.

acYou know you’re upset when you cry so hard the curl comes out of your hair.

Bonus Points:  To Melissa for promising Abby that Maddie would NOT be dancing on that new So You Think You Can Dance Kids show.  Because she won’t be.  Because she’s going to be a judge instead.  So it’s not like she was lying or anything.

I see what you did there, Mrs. Z.

Smooth.

tumblr_ny6aw1Z4Cj1stq3wlo1_500-1And then they did the Pyramid of Shame, which was pretty irrelevant given the drama of the day.  Google it if you can’t sleep tonight without knowing the results.

Q.  Where’d this lady go?

ch

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce National Dance Competition in Agoura Hills.  Everyone seemed pretty excited even though I had to Apple Map it.

The group routine, in case you haven’t read anything up to this point, was going to be based on The Huntsman: Winter’s War movie.  Pay attention, please.

You know how I get when it comes to skimmers and haters.

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Maddie and Mackenzie would be portraying the dueling Queen sisters, with the rest of the pack divided up between #TeamFire and #TeamIce.

There were also going to be THREE duets entered into the competition.

Count ’em:  Nia and Mackenzie.  Maddie and Kalani.  And Maddie and Kendall.

Yup.  TWO Maddie duets.

Abby was definitely gonna milk that Ziegler Cow for all she could this month.

md2But that’s ok, because Maddie wanted to spend as much time with her BFFs as possible before she headed off into the Sia Sunset to pick up her SAG card.

Newsflash:  She’s still just a kid.

Right about here was when Ashlee blurted out sumthin sumthin about the Zieglers leaving the ALDC before Melissa even had time to tell Mackenzie to start packing up her dance bag.  OhNoSheDin’t.  OhYesSheDid.

Drama.

Pause Your DVR:  Can we just take a moment to appreciate not only Holly’s on-point hair styling (…cuz you know dat’s rite…)

h2…but also the way she always scoots those kids out of the hizzle every time some shizz is about to go down in front of them?  I mean, c’mon.

Remember when she got everyone out of that makeup room in under 4 seconds when Abby and Kelly started rolling around on the floor?  To this day I still swear she used airplane inflatables and just shoved those kids out the second floor window.

BY06jWmOr maybe she just keeps hard candy in her Louis bag and throws it out the back door like kibbles and watches them all run outside.

I dunno.  But whatever it is…it’s an #ArtForm.

Which is why I love Holly so much.

Side note:  What the What?  Check out Jill.  #BigHairDon’tCare.

bhAfter about 20 minutes of Dance Moms Bumper Cars where everyone was running in circles and knocking each other down, they all ended up in that back room with all the empty wall hooks and finally told everybody everything.

Game Over for the Zieglers.

86402485dbfifEverybody cried.  Everybody hugged.

Well, almost everybody.

You notice that?  That was odd.

hugnmjkg

Side note:  Holly has an Apple Watch.  Because of course she does.

She’s always trying to one-up me, I swear.

And then Abby locked herself in the bathroom, because why not.  And she wouldn’t come out, no matter what the other Moms did.

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The next day, Melissa took Holly and Jill to lunch to serve up some salads and flashbacks.

I don’t know how the food was, but the flashbacks were awesome.

We got to see some of my favorite oldies but goodies, like when Melissa lost her marbles in Season 1 and snatched up every trophy on the table and then dragged her Samsonite roller down the hall on 3 wheels swearing and cussing like I don’t know what.

trActually I do know like what.

Like when Beanie Babies were popular and a new batch would come out unannounced in the middle of the week and you’d leave your kid waiting on the sidewalk at school just so you could scoop every new bear off the shelf and hopefully score yourself the elusive unicorn with the brown horn.

This one.  But with the brown horn.

mystic_unicorn_coarse_yarn_mane_side_uWhich is worth up to $3,000 now.  I just can’t.

And then we saw one of Jill’s most iconic moments.  Cover your ears, kids.tumblr_lzh0liUkxc1r43mqxo1_250True Fact:  That’s also what happened the first time she read this blog.  Pinky swear.

And, of course, we got to see the first time that Holly really lost her nutty on Abby while Kira photobombed the scene dressed like she was going to the Oscars for some reason.

hkI love this show.  Sue me.

Side note:  There was clearly one empty seat available next to Jill that went unused, BTW.

Thanks for not inviting me, Melissa.  Even though I was the only one who stood up for you back when you couldn’t figure out how to download songs off Napster and kept hanging up on anyone who tried calling the Pittsburgh front desk.

But that’s ok.  Really.

Decision 2016:  As long as we’re voting, I vote for my MomCrush to keep her LunchHair.

jv1

Back at the studio (…the LA one now…) Abby showed the girls the movie trailer.

Even this part.

tumblr-nxzhgaVo0R1qjqcybo1-500I know, right?  With kids in the car.

Maddie swallowed her gum and was all like…mbAbby was all like…amAt some point, Abby even noted that the stars of the movie were going to see this group routine.  Which was amazing, because who knew that macho Chris Hemsworth even watched Dance Moms?  But I guess he does.

And now that’s like TWO things he and I have in common.

We both work out and we both watch Dance Moms!

This is me rinsing out my Under Armour after getting my swole on at the gym.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-12438-1426118025-7afOh, yeah.  Mama likes.

You know she’s got that one for a screen saver.  Look at her.

As the competition grew closer, Abby was having a hard time processing any of the Ziegler NewZ.  Which basically meant that she cried a lot as and relived much of the loss that she had suffered throughout her own life.

Abby misses her Mom and Dad.

a

Finally, it was Showtime!

ag

Look at little Brynn contouring like a Boss.  I almost forgot about her this week.

bShe’s so cute.

Nia and Mackenzie’s duet was a sad dance about a young girl saying goodbye to her Mom who was dying from cancer.  Holly got all choked up.  But they won First Place!!

nmkMaddie and Kendall’s Insane Asylum duet made Jill cry in her interview confessional and got Twitter a little #Twisted.  There were certainly a lot of tears this week.  But smiles all around when they took Second Place in their age category.

kkAnd then Maddie did a quick change…

tumblr_msehmz73mE1qcpkfeo4_250…and ran right back out on stage with Kalani, where they did this no hands forward flip over whatchamacallit that was A.  Maz.  Ing.tumblr_o5iyp5Tyak1tb8iyko1_500After the duets were over (…and in case you STILL weren’t clear on the theme for this week…) we got treated to a quick Girl Talk promo-looking thing where Charlize Theron was all like “Gurrrl, whatchoo mean you don’t watch Dance Moms like me and Chris?…”

ctAnd Emily Blunt was all like “I don’t have to, Beeotch, because I read DanThat’sCool.”  

dmOr at least I think that’s how it went.

If we’re being totally honest, I had to mute the TV to answer my cell in case it was Melissa apologizing for that whole lunch date fiasco, but it looked like that’s what the two ladies were discussing.

Bonus:  We also got treated to not one…but TWO…of those chit chatty Dance Moms Guide To Blah Blah Blah where the girls all sit around and tell you not to wear too much foundation on the playground.

Not gonna lie.  Sometimes this show is so random that it makes my left eye involuntarily close like I’m having a stroke.  But it’s not a stroke.  And I love this show.

So much that I just said it for a second time.

So, again…sue me.

The ALDC finished off the event with their group routine, which coincidentally enough, ended up being based on the movie The Huntsman: Winter’s War.

What are the chances?

The choreography was great, but the second the dance started, Mackenzie’s costume exploded and there were scraps of Emily Blunt all over the stage.

giphy-4

Nobody was very happy about that mess up.  It was #HeadBandGate all over again.

But they made it through and headed to the awards where—

Wait.  What?  Nia Sioux…she…it was…she had…

bangs

Outta nowhere, she showed up with…

0a92b1ba54f6ae6d8c9a3b88ccefe9a046dcc0455a40b50958edffa182a4967fMy girl put on her bangs!  We love Nia.

And we love how Twitter reacts to stuff like that.

True Fact:  Someone even sent me a DM tweet in the middle of the freakin’ night and told me to make sure I put a picture of Nia’s bangs on my site.

Do it.  Didn’t ask me to.  Just told me to do it.

So there you go, people.  Bangs.  Take that, Kendall Jenner.

Side note:  Feel free to use this kid on your next #MotivationalMonday post.

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Always do your best.  Because your best is always good enough.  #NoRegrets.

Did I forget to mention that the group dance came in Second Place?  I probably did.

So that made for two Number Two’s in two weeks.  Do the math.

Abby wasn’t happy.  But she had clearly already checked out for the week.  Possibly even for the remainder of the season.  Who knows.

Melissa had really messed with her head.

oh

Abby has a court date coming up soon for all that scandalous TMZ goodness and now she’s losing the Top Three go-tos in her support system.

This isn’t gonna end well.

But it’s over for this week at least.

No more crying.

Well, after one more group hug, I mean.

hug1Now I need to go unwind.  This was a very stressful episode.

Imma need to be alone for a few.

So, please…

the-huntsman


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