Posts Tagged ‘Kelly Hyland’

Dance Moms: Attention Shoppers. The ALDC Team Is Once Again Available In Toddler Sizes. The Minis Are Here.

Wednesday, January 20th, 2016

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Lawd, just gimme the strength to keep my hair on point with all of these screaming babies.

 

 

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So if that’s not the real Justin Bieber teaching our kids Hip Hop, Imma need to update Instagram.

 

 

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No. I’m serious. I will literally stab myself with this curling iron if she wears pigtails again.

 

 

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Why do we have to park out back by the dumpster? That meter has been empty for 3 weeks.

 

 

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Mama’s got her sensible shoes on today, so if you all wanna run back to PA we can do this.

 

 

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I specifically gave her a Toddlers & Tiaras name, but then TLC cancelled the show. So here we are, Lifetime.

 

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These chicks are straight up crazy. Just gimme my trophy so I can get back to Foot Locker.

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

It’s always the quiet ones.

And the little ones.  Definitely the little ones.

Those are the ones you really gotta look out for.  Just ask anyone at the ALDCLA.

And they’d know, because after weeks of build-up it was the Invasion Of The Minis.

In an effort to extend the shelf life of her brand…and since there is still no Time Machine invented that will allow us to go back and relive these Dance Moms memories again…

originalAbby Lee Miller had begun the search for the next generation of bite-sized wannabes to carry on her ALDC Legacy.  Pittsburgh 2.0, as it were.

Side note:  Look at those little niblets sitting on the floor right there.  They’re like 2 years old.  Where did the time go?  And where did Brooke and Paige and Chloe and Vivi go?

Gimme a moment.
oprah-cryingAs everyone lined up for the Pyramid of Shame in their new sparkly LA workout gear, Abby announced the impending arrival of the MiniSquad.

Hand-picked at a recent cattle call audition (…that for some reason required two bowls of munchies that were off limits to that other guy there…) the new crop of dancers would be training at the studio, but not competing at this time.  And since none of them were old enough to drive yet, they would most likely be accompanied by their mothers.

twoDance Moms Math:  More Moms = More Drama.  Just throwing that out there.

Holly Math:  Junior Team + MiniSquad + TMZ + Only 24 Hours In A Day = Trouble.

We heart Holly.  She has a PhD, you know.  Not in Math.  I forget what it is, but I know it’s not Math.  But somehow she still figured out that this was not gonna work out very well.

And then she made this HollyFace.

hfA number of times, actually.

Season Six is looking like a banner year for the #HollyFace hashtag.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  Kendall, Nia (…“Excuse me Boo, you’re in my way”…) Sioux and Mackenzie or MackZ or whatever it is now.  I thought we were back to just plain Mackenzie Ziegler, but then Abby referred to her in the past-tense and I got confused.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, who for some reason looked more like Maddie‘s sister than Maddie’s sister did this week.

Top o’ the Heap:  Kalani!  It wasn’t really clear if she was Top Dawg for her dancing skills or for not misplacing her newborn brother, because Abby kind of slipped Jett‘s birth announcement in with some rambling sumthin sumthin about being a good babysitter and Pyramid rankings.  But either way…congrats.

Yes.  The TV World finally caught up with the Real World and Kira had that baby!

Kisses.  What a peanut.

640_jett2This week, the gang was headed to the Devotion 2 Dance Competition.  I love when everyone cheers and gets all excited before Abby even finishes the sentence.  They don’t even know what they’re clapping for yet.

Kendall scored a solo titled ‘All Eyes On Me’ while JoJo got her BowBow yanked out and was handed an ‘I’ll Show You The Dark Side’ character solo.

Side note:  Maddie was MIA again, strictly observing Abby’s new moratorium on not doing any outside activities other than dancing at the ALDCLA by doing an outside activity that didn’t involve dancing at the ALDCLA.

I swear.  Dance Rules are harder to understand than Dance Math.

Melissa‘s hair looked nice, BTW.

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The group routine was going to be a Hip Hop number called ‘Straight Outta Pittsburgh’ because Gianna was nowhere to be found and the internet has yet to beat this one into the ground, yo.  And neither have I, apparently.

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You heard me.  Hip Hop.

The kids went bonkers, especially when Rumor Noel and some guy named Guy Amir came running into the studio.  Dat’s rite.  Two ALDCLA faculty members were gonna drop it like it was hot this week!!  Lyrical Whaaaat?

These.  Two.  Can.  Dance.

Hat Fact:  When they blur out the logo on your snapback, you know you’re a rockstar.

And then the Minis arrived.

Hundreds of them.  All at once.  And so cute.

gallery-1447351903-giphyOne of them even looked like she was a newborn.  But she made it inside with a little help.

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And then the Moms came in and the party really got started.

Side note:  These Pageant Name Generating Machines.  Where do I get one?

We met Tiffanie and her daughter Alexus, who I assume was named after somebody else named Alexis and the luxury automobile they use to carpool to dance class.

We also met Sari and her daughter Areana.  Very smiley, I must say.

And then it was Kerri and her daughter Peyton.  Was it just me, or did she introduce her daughter like “I just got these Louboutins at Nordstrom and had to Pay a Ton.”  You hear that?  Not Peyton.  Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton.

I liked her just for that, because you know I’m all about the drama.

And don’t forget Mary and her daughter Alysa.  She was missing an ‘S‘ in her name, but immediately got Bonus Points for dressing up like my favorite Star Trek character from the Shatner days.  I love whatever that is that’s going on in her hair right now.

stThis show.  I swear.  We love these kids.

If there’s not a Season 7, Bryan Stinson‘s gonna have to change his phone number.

The next day as the Minis all bounced around like they were inside one of those germ infested inflatable Chuck E. Cheese castles, the big girls got to getting their Hip Hop on with the help of…count ’em…not one, but THREE boy dancers!

YAAAAS!  Abby surprised the team with the addition of a dude trio who all danced like *NSYNC and yet somehow still looked like they should be hosting Blue’s Clues.

Ryan, Blake and Kenneth were in the ALDC hizzle, fo’ shizzle.

And let’s just say The Three Musketeers had it going on.  Boom.

Oh.  Holly and Melissa kept making these faces every time they stepped on a Mini.

Those little babies were Every.  Where.

mhTo up the ante a little bit, Abby had Brynn learning Kendall’s solo right alongside her, for no apparent reason other than to push all of my MomCrush Jill‘s buttons.

Spoiler Alert:  It was working.

Nia was also tag teaming JoJo’s routine, just in case, but the two of them seemed to be playing quite nicely together.  When the BowBow comes off, JoJo seems to lose some of her SpazSpaz.  She and her Mom make me spit out my drink every time they open their mouths.

Side note:  If you watch all the Minis running around and imagine a doggy squeak toy going off every time they take a step, it’s pretty hilarious.  I wish I had sound effects.

As solo rehearsals progressed, Jill was getting more protective of Kendall’s personal space and attempted to create some kind of Invisible Dance Moms Force Field around her daughter to keep Brynn from getting all up in her grill.

Ashlee picked on Jill.  Jill picked on Ashlee.  These two did this again.

mhAnd then Jill finally warned Ashlee to take it down a notch, sistah.

Remember the ALDC Pecking Order.

Hashtag: I Died.  Jill Vertes quoted RuPaul’s Drag Race and now I’m done for day.

not-today2Lucky for us, yet unfortunate for the children caught in the crossfire, the Drag Queen Drama continued when Brynn (…allegedly…) got too close to Kendall’s imaginary bubble and Jill noted that if Ashlee’s kid had a brain in her head she would move out of the way.

Ladies.  Start your engines.

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Jill and Ashlee tore into the studio.

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Jill said whatever this was…

j1And then said something else that got the snapback treatment…

jBack out in the hallway, Jill told Brynn she should have stepped aside and not been in front of Kendall and that she should never talk back to adults when Brynn tried to explain that she didn’t do anything wrong and would have moved if she was aware that she had been in anybody’s orbit which Jill may or may not have believed which in turn made Brynn cry and caused Ashlee to come (drag)racing over to yank her baby away from Jill who just kinda stood there for a second while Mackenzie decided she should be crying too for some reason while everyone got dragged into what was either a voting booth or a Macy’s fitting room to have a group meltdown while Melissa tried to run to the rescue in the most inappropriately high stilettos for such an activity.

And the whole thing totally deserved that one long run-on sentence.  So you’re welcome.

I live for editing.  There.  I said it.

Did I forget to mention that Holly swooped in to snatch all the kids out of harm’s way?

Because she did.  Totally.  Because that’s what she always does in a crisis.

Remember when this happened…

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And then this happened…

tumblr_n0vak1nSo31qk08n1o2_500And Holly was all like…

tumblr_mn9y8nUs9u1qdwtljo1_r2_400And then she was all like “EverybodyOutGetTheKidsOutEverybodyOutGetTheKidsOut!!!” 

BY06jWmI love how Holly’s immediate instinct is to always Save The Children.

And make this #HollyFace all the time, of course.  That’s key.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500The next day, everyone was licking their wounds and giving SideEye when one of the Minis had a MiniMeltdown and wanted to leave California for ever.

I’m done.  Done.

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Tiny Pay…(dramatic pause)…Ton didn’t wanna play no more and wanted to take all her toys and go home.  She was almost at the Hiccup Crying stage fercryingoutloud, the poor thing.  Nobody even offered her a kleenex.

Dance Moms Rule #1:  Everybody has to quit at least once and come back.

It’s in the contract, honey.

So they did.  Abby trailed them out into the parking lot and convinced them to come back inside and watch the rehearsals.  Which they did.  So one crisis averted.

For now, anyhooo.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Safety First:  If Kendall doesn’t get off that damn phone when she’s walking into the venue every week she’s gonna fall in an uncovered sewer department manhole someday.

I swear.  Kids and their electronics.

It was also time for Abby to receive a call from her lawyer regarding all the hidden profits from this whole extravaganza.  The alleged ones, I mean.  Almost forgot that part.

aI guess Saving All Those Tears For Your Pillow doesn’t qualify as a rule when you’re looking at a couple years in the slammer, because Abby cried and then cried some more and then took off in her car for the rest of the episode, after putting on the most comfortable looking fur-lined teal old lady moccasins I’ve evah seen and then blowing me a personal air kiss out the window.

She’s outta here till next week.

Backstage, Jill kinda sorta apologized for yelling or not yelling at Brynn and Ashlee told Jill she was sorry that Jill was such a bitch.  Wait.  What?

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500I couldn’t follow it either.

But Ashlee was all like…

Bianca-Del-Rio-RuPauls-Drag-Race-Really-bitch-Gif

…and then Jill looked at her all like…

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So, yeah…that went nowhere.

Side note:  The fact that Bianca Del Rio is wearing the same top that Jill was wearing when she flipped out on Abby just proves that all my worlds are slowly colliding and there’s nothing I can do to prevent the inevitable.  Pray for me.

Speaking of old ladies, tho.  (The slippers…not Jill and Ashlee.  Gah.)  Somebody needs to send me the youtube link to whatever dance troupe did that crazy routine with the Nicki Minaj nursing home ladies pushing walkers who booty slapped themselves and then went to Old Country Buffet.  Please tell me you see that number when they cut back from commercial.  That was whack.

Kendall’s solo went well, even though Ashlee felt otherwise.  JoJo’s makeup and solo were both equally crazy.

And then the Blue’s Klues Krew arrived in the Green Room to show the West Coast how the almost East Coast Pittsburgh do it.

This kids’ face, tho.  Welcome to the ALDCLA, sparky.

wtfThe Hip Hop number was In. Sane.

Saluting both Pittsburgh’s 412 area code and Vivi-Anne’s legendary Bee Costume…

v2…the ALDCLA wrecked the place.

kjI think Nia got dis, ‘mmmkay?

niaNailed.  It.

And of course, it took First Place.

Not that the emcee could read her card with those crazy bangs she was styling.

But they won.  Trust me.

JoJo came in Second in her age division.  Despite Ashlee’s grumblings, Kendall scored First Place in her age category and even got to stand next to a little girl who looked like she was plucked right off the Olympic medal risers.  You see that?

And then it was over.

Hip Hop Redemption.

And a Mini Invasion.

Just another week at the ALDCLA.

Time to back this thing up and buzz outta here.

See you next time.

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Dance Moms: When The ALDC Gets Thrown To The Hungry Wolves, Let The Potato Chips Fall Where They May.

Wednesday, January 13th, 2016

mz

 

 

We all want to be at the top of the Food Pyramid cuz that’s where they put the chips. Figure it out.

 

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Hi. Yeah. The dance was cute. I was just wondering why you still wear pigtails. Aren’t you like 27?

 

 

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She doesn’t wanna mess with me right now. I know way too much. I know so much stuff…

 

 

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I dunno. I have a PhD for cryin’ out loud. I just show up cuz craft services always has chips.

 

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Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom. Dance Moms Is On. Nom. Nom. Nom.

 

 

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OMG. I can’t. These BBQ chips are so hot. It’s like they’re literally burning my eyes right now.

 

 

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That smart a** kid might be right about these chips, cuz I’m eating like I just got out of prison.

 

 

 

Srsly.

Was it just me, or did anyone else get the Dance Moms munchies this week?

Not sure why, but something made me hungry.  Like a wolf, almost.  I couldn’t stop eating for the whole hour.  I think I went through two bags of potato chips.

I couldn’t tell if it was emotional eating, or stress induced, or what.  Probably both.

I mean, this is Dance Moms, right?  Whatever it was, I’m not proud.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’d totally do it again.  But I’m not proud.

635827983750906392-241400791_potato chipIt was Week #2 of the new competition season down at the ALDCLA, and as everyone arrived for the Pyramid of Shame: West Coast Version, it was clear that the three hour time change was once again having an effect on Abby Lee Miller‘s behavior.

Something about California really messes with her equilibrium, I swear.

It was also Week #2 of the Abby-imposed moratorium against ALL other outside activities for the girls.  Because Dance was the focus now.  Dance was the priority now.

Except for Maddie, that is, who was MIA somewhere doing a movie.  And Abby herself, of course, who was MIA somewhere being certifiably crazy.

Hey, kids.  Can you say ‘Double Standards?’  Because Holly certainly could.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace…

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…and then this one…

h3…and then broke her own record for how many #HollyFaces she could make before the first commercial.  We heart Holly so hard sometimes.

Eventually, Abby rolled in with no eyebrows (…and hair that on the Miller BackComb And Tease Scale of 1-100 barely moved the needle to a shaky 4…) and began searching frantically for something to rat up the top of her ‘do so we could all finally get going.

Side note:  Abby has a makeup artist that follows her around the studio all day.

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F’realz.  And her name is Diana.  Just like Wonder Woman.  And she has Pebbles Flintstone hair and a blood pressure reading that is probably off the charts.

And she doesn’t get paid enough.  Trust me.  Granted, I’ve never actually seen her paystub, but I can pretty much guarantee you that she doesn’t get paid enough.

Here’s Diana changing outfits for the Nickelodeon Awards last year:

tumblr_n9k26fM59j1s2wio8o1_500As soon as my MomCrush Jill saw Abby drawing in her own eyebrows with Diana’s waterproof Sharpie, she knew there was going to be some kind of a problem this week.

tumblr_n0r2el5kSW1r1rmzqo2_500Red Flag, people.  Red Flag.

Remember last year when Abby started unraveling and dumped her entire purse out on the floor looking for I forget what?  And she found a cookie instead?

anigif_enhanced-3488-1428823212-14Spoiler Alert:  You see where this mess is all headed.

Let’s try and keep focus for a second, tho.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MIA Maddie, KalaniKendall and Mackenzie.  Mezzanine Level:  Nia and JoJo and JoJo’s Hamster Ball Dance from last week.

And on Top: Maddie Stand-In/Guest Dancer Brynn!

Fashion Notes:  The kids looked great in their new Black & White gear.

Not so matchy-matchy for a change, which was nice.  Most of the Moms even decided to go along with this week’s Pantone theme.  I think Brynn’s Mom Ashlee may have overslept on the day they filmed her interview confessional, because one shot looked like she was still wearing a black lace nightie.

Or maybe not.  Regardless, we really enjoy the new Mom, even though she definitely likes to make sure all her girls get some air-time…if you know what I mean.

ashThis week the gang was headed to another one of those New York Dance Experience competitions where you get live critiques on stage while you’re still standing there trying to catch your breath.

Solos:  Kendall would perform a routine titled “The Meltdown” since last week’s interaction with her Mom was still so fresh in her head.

Just.  Stop.  Talking.  Mom.  Gawd.

Mackenzie was going to revive her famous Season One moment  “All I Want To Do Is Sit On The Couch And Eat Chips” from 5 years ago, even though Abby totally got the quote wrong from the get-go.  Google before Choreo.  Always.

Remember that youtube clip?

When Mackenzie was only 6 years old and was missing half her teeth and preferred a bag o’ Lay’s over accepting any and all lead roles on Broadway?

acve#Full Disclosure:  That’s not actually the video.  That’s me last night watching this show.

Sometimes I think I may be a little too invested in their lives.  But I digress.

The third solo was going to Nia and would be based on Taraji P. Henson‘s sassy character Cookie on the hit musical drama Empire.

One.  Shout out to Taraji for bringing home the Golden Globe this week!

Two.  We’re almost half way through already and this recap is just now starting to make any sense?  Time Management’s not really my thang, yo.  I like pretty pictures.

Side note:  Melissa was being all feisty this week and not taking any crap from Abby.

Sup widdat?

melThe group routine “Hungry Like The Wolves” was Abby’s way of telling the girls that they needed to remain hungry…umm…like wolves.

Q.  Do I really need to keep breaking down all the subtle nuances of this show for you every week?  Haven’t you been around long enough by now to figure this stuff out on your own so I can get to bed earlier on Tuesday nights?  Seriously.

Melissa said that Mackenzie’s potato chip quote was so famous that people had even made shirts about it and sold them on eBay, which was news to me.  But I believe her.

I personally have at least three Pittsburgh Dance Moms logo tees that are stained with grease because I have a bad habit of wiping my hands on my clothing instead of getting my lazy a** off the couch and grabbing a napkin.

Look at this crew eating potato chips.  Even gophers have better manners.

giphy-5 And speaking of a**.

We’re jumping ahead a little bit, but Abby called Mackenzie a smart a**.

I know right?  To her face.  With the kids in the car!

All because she didn’t like the answer little MackZ gave her when asked about this week’s solo.  Get the quote right first and then maybe we can have a pop quiz, lady.

Lemme tell you, Melissa was not having it and charged right into the studio for an emotional YouSaid SheSaid MaddieWoulda MackenzieCoulda screaming match which resulted in Melissa storming back to the bleachers warning all of America that Abby shouldn’t mess with her because she knew so much shizz about Abby’s…I dunno…finances…maybe?

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Whoa.

Which brings us to Good Morning America‘s Breaking News.

sddefaultWait.  What?

Hold that sparkly iPhone a little closer to your face, Jill.  What is this all about?

At first Holly was all like ‘I’mNotOneToGossipButThisLooksInteresting’

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And then she was all like ‘OoohNoSheDin’t!’

hj(Look at Jill’s SideEye.)

And then they were all straight out like ‘SayWhaaaaa?’
2e6eb8bde47add19377db025c5aae756I mean, like…

copySo, yeah.  I totally just told that whole story backwards.  But you get the gist of it.  And the end result was the same.  Sometimes you need to just go with the flow.

And by now you’ve all seen the TMZ stories and the CVS magazine articles while you’re standing in line buying your 75% OFF christmas wrap.  So take it to the chatrooms.  You know what these recaps are all about by now.  Stress makes me…you know.

chipsNeedless to say, the Moms were concerned and Abby was in denial.

Jill wanted to discuss the Elephant In The Corner (…what does that even mean?  Isn’t he just there in the room wandering around?…) but Abby was going on like it was just another day at the office.  Except for the itchy nose part.

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a2Yup.  Just another day at the ALDCLA.

Despite all the media hoopla, the girls needed to rehearse for the the weekend.

Did I mention that Abby wanted Nia to twerk?  Like Nicki Minaj twerk?  Because she did.

Well.  My Anaconda don’t.  And neither does Nia.

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Nia’s a young lady now.  And a role model.  And raised right.  And even though Abby showed her how she wanted it done, it wasn’t gonna happen.

Q.  What do you think that driver thought when he cruised by the window and saw all of this goodness pressed up against the glass?

twr

A.  True Story.

giphy-1Finally, it was Showtime!

Actually, there was a whole bunch of other MelissaStress and yelling and checking TMZ updates that went down before Competition Day, but all the potato chip jokes have put me a little behind schedule.  Abby even called Mackenzie a disappointment and made her go on that bouncy tumble track thing and even went for Maddie’s baby teeth during one argument with Melissa.

Not literally, like they were in a jar or something.  You know what I mean.

But this recap is running long, so we’re all leaving for NYDE right now, with or without you.

As the team arrived at the venue, the Moms were wondering what kind of reception they would receive, since you know how kids today do love their social media.  Nobody knew if they would be walking into a cheering crowd or a firing squad.

Drumroll, please.

They had shirts made!

dtcs

Well, not that one.

You wish.

That’s the one Jill wears when she cleans the bathroom.

The crowd was actually wearing this one…

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Side note:  I’ve been waiting almost a month for my 3 pack of Hanes to ship from Macys.com and yet somehow a herd of adolescent girls managed to manufacture brand new JailBreak couture and have the ink already dry by the weekend?

Something ain’t rite.

Let’s wrap this thing up, shall we?

The solos went well from the audience’s perspective.  Mackenzie wore pigtails again, of course.  Because, you know…she’s Mackenzie.  And that’s kind of her thing until forever.

Kendall was supposed to wear latex old lady makeup, but freaked out and peeled it off like they do at a day spa when you need your pores unclogged.  Word on the street is that she was allergic to the rubber, even though we never actually got the full deets before she had her pre-Meltdown…meltdown.

Nia nailed her routine, even though it was clear that the Sass to Actual Choreography Ratio was a little skewed.  If I had remembered to mention earlier that this week’s winning solo would also do a solo NEXT week, the last few paragraphs would have been more beneficial in the long run.

My bad.  But you gotta admit the gophers were on point.

wb

And so were those wolf costumes, right?

ws1Those were the Real Deal.

I guess the days of sitting up in that MomPerch hot glueing Joanne Fabric sequins to iParty hats are truly long gone now, even though I really do miss Kelly and Christi swearing every time they burnt their fingers.

Shout out!  We miss you!

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True Story:  That clip is actual backstage surveillance camera footage from the first time Kelly ever read my blog and I made fun of her hair.

Relax.  I apologized like a million times.

And then the Awards.

Mackenzie took 4th Place for her Dance of the Eternal Pigtail.  Kendall only scored 3rd Place but at least got a free facial for all her trouble.  And Nia’s Cookie routine came in Second Place.

And then the group lost.

No First Place nothing for nobody.

At least that pretty lady on the stage got to pretend she had her own Talk Show for the day.  Look at her go.

We’ll be right back with Mackenzie after this commercial for Palmolive.

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And then Abby lost it again.

The Moms were just trying to let her know that they were all there for her and supporting her and if she wanted to talk about all the stuff that she wasn’t talking about they would all be around to talk about it and if she–

Hold up.

Did Abby just say–?

Did she just imply that they might all be going to jail with her?

Excuse me?

jvThat’s it.

I’m done.

The Moms were done.

Everyone was done.

Let’s just go eat, girls.  My treat.

giphy-4Cuz I don’t know about you, but I’m hungry again.

See you next time!

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Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Return For One Last Look At The City Of Angels Mama Drama.

Wednesday, August 19th, 2015

mz

 

 

Swear to Gawd. If you’re filming this and I end up on that stupid blog, Imma sue you so hard.

 

 

hb

 

 

I will pick you up and carry you outta here, little boy. You see these arms? Mama does pilates.

 

 

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Cuz I will literally hitchhike back to PA if I have to watch that damn bra scene one more time.

 

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Today’s show was brought to you by the letters A,L,D,C and the new iPhone 6 Plus sparkle case.

 

 

4dma

 

 

 

My a** she’s 45.

 

 

jmd

 

 

 

No. Really. You can let go now, honey. I’m actually here to see that other lady sitting over there.

 

 

jh

 

 

They’re gonna have to cut this pink coat off my cold, dead body. I look just like Rihanna, right?

 

 

 

I swear.

Family Reunions are exhausting.  Truly.

Between texting the invites (…Spoiler Alert:  and the un-invites…) and planning the menu and making sure your seating arrangements don’t result in a straight up bar brawl, the entire process can easily wear a person out before the guests even arrive.

Not to mention getting your hair did and picking out the right cocktail dress.

But leave it to The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh to get it done.

Dance Moms wrapped up and threw down this week with a look back at the most dramatic, turbulent, bleeped-out ALDC season yet.  And they even did it in fancy clothes.

After racking up more frequent flyer miles than the last four seasons combined, it was time to head back into that mysterious underground Collins Avenue Bunker and relive the magic one last time.  Cue the Infomercial Audience, because it’s time for…

Season 5: We Made It Out Alive.

almFrom the start, it was clear that sumthin was up.

Instead of opening up with my boy Jeff Collins nervously sitting at the cool table with Abby Lee Miller, this time around we got a flashback to a few hours earlier with Melissa and my MomCrush Jill in hot rollers, swiping through their cellphones, wondering if Abby was even going to show up for the Reunion Show taping.

Pretty hurts.  Trust me.

jv

Apparently, Abby had sent a mass text to all the Moms telling them to NOT show up for the taping, which clearly worked really well since everyone was already present and accounted for in the makeup chairs getting Mall Hair at 9:15 in the morning.

Kira had blocked Abby to prevent any unnecessary tweets and texts.  Holly had requested a sassy, on-trend messy bun.  And Jessalynn had straight up snatched the Biggest Bump-It Ever Award right out from under Jill’s nose while she was looking down at her phone.  You see that thing?

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Even Jess was all like DaaannnngGurrrrl…ILookGoooood.

jsTwo hours later, Abby finally arrived with a glass of Diet Coke that I swear she stole from Cracker Barrel.  Where else did it come from?  That was totally a glass they give you at restaurants with a lime, even if you say No Lime.

Everyone was all like “She’sHereShe’sHere!!” but Abby refused to speak to anyone, instead just sitting down in her assigned spot with a pile of construction paper notes that she pulled out of a giant bag and immediately tucked under her badonk for safe keeping.

She’s coming to set!  She’s just sitting in the chair!  She’s got papers!

She’s got explosives!

Beaker

Side note:  Have we learned nothing from Bravo TV?  Props at Reunion Shows are just asking for trouble.  Even if they’re just handwritten scribbles that you hold up like you’re being asked a question on The Newlywed Game.

Q.  How do you like the recap so far, Quad?

tumblr_mnjk67HVyW1ql5yr7o1_500Sure enough, as soon as production got rolling (…three hours late, if you’re counting…) Jeff asked Abby what she thought of the season finale debacle at Nationals and she started throwing up 8x10s like they were gang signs.

a1Lawd.  It was gonna be a long hour if this is how she’s playing it.

sheldon-throwing-papers-gifSide note:  The Moms were already seated around Jeff.  No intros this year.  No name tags.  Nothing.  We know them all by now, right?

Except for Jill and Melissa, maybe.  Not gonna lie.  Love them both, but I was having trouble telling them apart for most of the episode now that they have that Bouffant-y Blonde BFF Twin Thang going on.  Was it just me?

They looked to their right together.

mjAnd then straight ahead together.

mj3And then over there together.

mj2And then gave majorly awesome SideEye together.

mj6When they left the studio after taping, their hats even blew off together.

giphy-1But I love them.  Separately or together.

The controversy over Nationals (…Fixed?  Orchestrated?  Hot Mess?…) continued with Jess and Dr. Voice Of Reason Holly wondering why Abby had never questioned the authenticity of the awards back when the ALDC was winning everything.  Now that they came in Second Place you’re gonna start name calling?  Is that how we do?

Personally, I was questioning what kind of third rate local PR Agency this dude they kept calling Frank from Nationals (…not to be confused with Jake from State Farm, I guess…) uses if his entire reputation is being dragged through the Pittsburgh potholes on national television.

1.  This is Jake from State Farm.  Why isn’t he wearing a headset like the other guy?

tumblr_static_tumblr_static_bxbng5tfvvw4ksw048gk040oo_1280.jpg

2.  This is Frank from Nationals.  Why isn’t he drunk yet?

fAbby claimed that she didn’t know Frank and that they weren’t friends and that the ALDC had never gone to one of his (…allegedly…) crooked competitions, which was right about when my boy Bryan Stinson came out of the shadows long enough to shut it down before this thing turned into a two-parter.  Busted, lady.

Moral of the Story:  Jake fixes claims.  Frank doesn’t fix anything.  And Bryan wears a US Government-issued Secret Service earpiece for some reason.

Next question:  Where’s Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples?

Answer:  There was no answer.  But Jeanette Cota got to come out and yell at Abby, so it was kind of the same thing.  At least until Jeff awkwardly decided to ‘Put A Pin In It’ and send Jeanette home 42 seconds later.

(That’s his legally copyrighted Housewives Catch Phrase, BTW.)

jc

Seriously.  Check the Instant Replay.  42 seconds, not counting getting situated in her snugly dress.  Apparently she left her flat iron plugged in or something, because Jeanette didn’t even have time to put a decent dent in the seat cushion before Jeff said “I know you need to leave” and sent her packing until Season Six.

Thanks for playing.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.  Buh bye.  Wait.  What?

Side note: There were also random ALDC dance performances interspersed throughout the hour, but I know you’ve watched them a gazillion times on youtube, so I’m skimming through the artsy stuff.  The girls looked good, though.  They’re getting so big.

Next topic:  The lack of dance classes and/or dance training now that the gang had relocated to Hollywood.  Which is kinda sorta true.

We flashbacked to my MomCrush flipping out on Abby over stretch classes and then learned that all along we should have been doing our homework in full leotard splits.  We don’t need no dance teacher to put us through inner thigh stretches and flip flops while we go about our daily lives.

Who knew?

If you want the truth, I’m already kinda looking forward to the next time I balance my checkbook.  My goal is a 9.9 from the Russian judge if I can stick the landing.

jc1

Side note:  I liked the way Jeff kept looking off to the side to make sure Bryan was still there in the darkness.  Like…Dude, don’t even think of leaving me here alone.  You just know every corner of that studio was marked with people holding Maybelline oil blotting sheets and stun guns.

And how about this guy here, who can’t believe his life right now.  First his girl makes him miss the Game and come all the way downtown to the show and then she spends the whole hour gossiping with some random chick she doesn’t even know.

Worst.  KissCam.  Ever.

auAnd then we got to relive BraGate one more time.

You remember that one.  That was when Kira and her Hormones (…not to be confused with Jem and the Holograms, I suppose…) completely melted down in Fresno, forcing two hotel caterers to throw themselves over the back hallway staircase railing right before Abby pulled her top off like it was the last day of Spring Break.

And you know I’m dying to post that photo one more time.  You just know it.

But I promised I would not post that photo again this season.  People even begged me online through a Kickstarter page that’s almost up to $9.42.  So I won’t.

Instead, though, here’s a photo of a baby sneezing until it falls over.  Which is pretty much the same reaction I had when Abby took her top off, anyway.  Same diff.

Plus, Holly loves this gif.  So please do enjoy.

ac63e126f65b565db9bf4f58611bec74.jpgAbby claimed that she didn’t hug Kalani that day because there were so many kids begging for hugs that it went on and on and on for so long that she had to make it stop.

Previously unseen footage from that day in question:

72502-kissing-minions-gif-Imgur-8PBsJess and Holly were quick to jump in and point out that there were only 6 children in the entire building and if you hugged each of them for 5 seconds it would still only total up to 30 seconds of your life that you’d never get back.

Finally.  Dance Math I can understand.

Side note:  Jeff said “Simmer Down” which is something you usually only hear spoken by the same people who use the word “Shenanigans.”  Just needed to be pointed out.

And how about these guns, yo?

#HollyArms.haSomebody’s been doing their curls and dips.

True Fact:  I even got a tweet asking me if I knew what her arm workout was.  Because she and I are so tight, you know.

Yes, we’re besties.  But I’m not allowed to go to the gym with her because I take too long primping after we’re done Zumba class.  Some of us don’t wake up like dis, thank you.

And Mama hates waiting around.  Time is money, especially when you’re being strategic about your daughter’s new music career.

We even got a closeup of those arms in action when Holly threatened to knock over a tripod camera and walk off the set after she and Jill got into a…umm…rather heated discussion on whether or not the West Coast had changed Dr. Frazier, which escalated quickly into an argument on tardiness, falsifying information and whether or not The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia ever went to school.

#HollyHulkSmash.

Here’s a thought:  If your Mama is a former school principal, I’m pretty certain you’re getting an education somehow somewhere.

Luckily, my boy Bryan picked up on all the drama in his left ear and jumped out of the shadows one more time to keep Holly on set.  He even posed just like this, which is the same pose he uses on his Learning Annex Self Help Seminar posters and the same pose he used when he unveiled the new iPads last year.

Am I lying?  I swear he’s the same guy from the Apple website.

bs

Side note:  Holly made this face a lot when she just wasn’t having it anymore.

hniAnd then we got to see the full premiere of Nia’s new music video!!

Yaaaaaas, Gawd.  #SLAY.

Fabulously introduced by my new Fabulous boy Mikey Minden, who had shown up at Frank from Nationals…umm…Nationals…last week to unveil the completed jam to a full house crowd, the video was on fire.nmFiyah.

tumblr_nsme5526OE1tb8iyko3_500Yeah.  What she said.

Side note:  Abby made this face when a Big Girl popped up on screen.  Bad memories, I guess.  And what’s going on with that guy behind her in the First Day of School hoodie?

Watch him Whip.  Watch him Nene.  Or not.

avFinally, there was just enough time to get Kira married off.

Dat’s rite.  After taking heat and hot flashes for being with child with no ring, Kira’s boyfriend David showed up to propose.  Just like on Ellen or something.

I know Jill was excited to see him.  You see her clamp onto him like a bear trap?  Don’t stick your foot in that.  Just saying.

We love David.  He’s a rather handsome gentleman, too.

d

He’s kind of a cross between the guy who hosts The Bachelor and somebody who would be ON The Bachelor giving good GuyCry.  Am I right?  Especially with Holly and Jess’s abnormally big hair in the way, doesn’t this picture look exactly like a scene from last season’s Fantasy Suite elimination?

d1Look at how happy they are.  David even kissed Kalani on the head.

kkAbby’s split personality oddly kicked in during the engagement festivities as she ran around in circles taking pictures on her iPhone.  That was strange.  But it was nice to see everyone on the same side for a few minutes.  Congratulations to the happy couple.

These two wish he wasn’t off the market, tho.  You can just tell.

451And then it was over.  Pretty much.

Abby rambled on for a few minutes about the future of the ALDC and about going out when you’re on top even though they’re not on top right now and something about how the girls are growing up and can no longer compete in the junior age categories and she’s going to Panama with Maddie and Mackenzie and how she’s only 45 years old and she didn’t say she was dismantling the team Jeff said that and she was planning on retiring but she didn’t and now she is ending one journey and beginning another one and she kept talking in one long run-on sentence just the way I’m typing it now which made it so hard to understand that I stopped listening after they said there would be a Season Six.

I dunno.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500 It’s over.  But it’s not over.  And that’s all that matters.

We’re just taking a break.  Before you know it…Dance Moms will be back again.

Season 5 is in the can.  We made it through another one.  And it’s been a blast.

And that calls for a celebration.

Nia.  Sing us outta here, willya?

See you guys next season!

Muah.

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