Posts Tagged ‘MackZ’

Dance Moms: They’re Baaack! Let The West Coast ALDC Adventures Begin. It’s KendallK In LA…Wear Em Out, Girl.

Wednesday, June 10th, 2015

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Yaaaaaaaaaaaas! Rodeo Drive! Sunset Strip! Hollywood Blvd! Mama and her Amex are home!

 

 

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I can’t believe I sat in coach for 2,500 miles just to find out I’m the most normal one in the bunch.

 

 

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I can’t even see through the eye holes. Who keeps coming up with this crazy s***?

 

 

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Left Right Left strike a pose, oh oh. Mom stop wearing my clothes, oh oh… No. Srsly. I mean it.

 

 

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So, yeah. She had more people at her premiere, but I had way more hair. Let’s call it a tie, mmkay?

 

 

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No way. You just answer the survey and they give you a free Whopper? This one’s a keeper.

 

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Gurl. You see that mess? I don’t need a doctor’s note to tell me White People Are Crazy. Lawd.

 

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OhMyGawd. Please tell me you can’t see up my skirt in that Beyoncé video.

 

 

 

They’re baaaaaack!

It’s Dance Moms: West Coast Addition.

No photos, please.

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Finally.

Welcome to the ALDCLA.

Brace yourself for the time change, because all the MamaDrama and DancingTrauma that you’ve come to love in Pittsburgh will now be coming at you three hours earlier.  At least for the foreseeable future anyway.  Hollywood or Bust, baby.

After threatening and/or bragging about it for the past 17 seasons, Abby Lee Miller finally uprooted her team and moved everybody to California this week to launch the second location in her ALDC Empire.  It took a couple of trips, but now it’s actually happening.

And third time’s a charm, right?

The last time we saw everyone, the Real Housewives of Pittsburgh were all dressed up at the mid-season Reunion Show giving Jeff Collins some upper lip sweat as they rehashed the first 18 weeks of the season and phutzed with their holiday party hair.

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Well, actually, that’s not even true.

The lip sweat part is true.  Because that totally happened.  The Moms freak him out.

Side note:  Did you know that Jeff used to grocery shop for Leeza Gibbons?  Or cook her dinner when he was her butler or something.  I forget.  I only skimmed the Wiki page, but it was something like that.  How awesome would that job be?  You totally know she requires the crust be cut off all her sandwiches.  You can just tell.  It’s always the nice ones that are high maintenance.  She won Celebrity Apprentice, BTW.

Anyway.  The last time we actually saw everyone together was down under during their Australian Tour.  But apparently I missed out on some of that hilarity.  Or all of it, maybe.

Clearly, I slacked on the Aussie adventure and I’d like to personally thank the Twitterverse for publicly shaming me and making me feel all like…

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Basically, you missed a bunch of exceptionally cute koala bear photo opps, Maddie wobbling a turn that momentarily crashed the internet (…NewsFlash: She’s Human…) and my girl Nia Sioux (…that’s her new name now, I guess…) dancing like Janet Jackson.

Because Miss Frazier if you’re Nasty.

You might have also missed Mikey Minden being Fabulous.  That’s his thing, you know.  It just kinda happens, even when he’s sitting at traffic lights drinking a Starbucks.

And, of course, Jessalynn making some of the best crazy audience faces EVAH during Nia’s FrazierNation dance.  You missed all of those.  And they were awesome.

But you can clear your DVRs now.  Because you’re caught up.

For the third time, the Moms arrived in California only to find out that the new ALDC location still wasn’t ready for occupancy.  It wasn’t clear why, or when, or if the place would ever get a second coat of primer, a working door, a sign that wasn’t scotch taped to the window and a certificate of occupancy from Ryan Seacrest (…he still owns Los Angeles, right?…) so once again we were back at 3rd Street Dance for another Pyramid of Shame.ap

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s a nice enough temporary base of operations, but going up and down those 8 flights of stairs every morning has got to wear a girl out.  No wonder nobody points their toes anymore.

As everyone headed to the penthouse for Pyramid, Holly was still basking in the glow of Nia’s Australian concert as my MomCrush Jill began getting herself worked up for Kendall‘s own upcoming music video premiere.

Let’s get all the contractually required business out of the way early…

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Jill actually brought it up this week and it happened before anyone had even made it though the front door.  I forget why she even mentioned it.  That’s how fast it happened.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Jill seems to be transitioning quite nicely from Muppet feathers to breezy summer weight cold-shoulder tops.  The warmer California climate has to be a challenge for anyone who likes a good furry Star Trek vest and a popped collar.  I feel your pain.  Luckily, whatever Jill had to give up in layering pieces she clearly gained in Bump-It height.  Because that thing was closer to God than I’ve ever seen it.  And it scored the DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  Looks like somebody brought a GlamSquad with her all the way from Pittsburgh.  Hollywood likes MamaZ.  Half Jill Vertes/Half Ariana Grande, Melissa’s ‘do was definitely catching up to her new found LA fashion sense.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  This is a new one.  She is a freakin’ riot.  Period.

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Unfortunately, before the Pyramid could even begin, Abby had the first of what would prove to be many unexplainable Moments of Lunacy (…Spoiler Alert: The working title for Holly’s second book…) as she dumped the entire contents of her Old West saddle bag onto the floor in search of earrings.

Because if you’re going to lose your nutty, it’s important that you’re properly accessorized.

Side note:  We all know how everyone involved in this show has been overloading social media lately with complaints about editing and blah and blah and whatever and blah.

That’s why they call it social media, people.

But I’m sorry.  That hot mess of a bag didn’t have anything to do with editing.  Or fights with producers over creative differences.  Or even Star Wars CGI graphics, though I did half expect Jar Jar Binks to fall out of that black hole eating a cookie when Abby dumped it upside down.

Srsly.  There was a leftover Chips Ahoy with a bite taken out of it, some lady things that probably should have been blurred out like they do with Melissa’s mouth when she swears, enough scrap paper for a Coachella bonfire, a ziplock Baggie with whoknowswhat inside, half a kitchen junk drawer and even an acrylic fingernail that, thankfully, wasn’t still attached to anybody’s finger.

ab And then a commercial for this.  Hilarious.

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I see what you did there, Lifetime.

After Jill and Melissa dug through the Prada Landfill and found enough stuff to win the weekly Collins Avenue Scavenger Hunt, it was on to the Pyramid.  Which, after all that build-up, didn’t really matter much on the first week back.  Especially when this recap is already half over and we haven’t gotten anywhere yet.

The only thing I will mention is that Abby pointed out Maddie was on top of the Pyramid for one reason:  Her Humbleness.  And her insistence on including all the girls in her  world-wide success.

Which is actually two things.

Clearly, ten minutes in and Abby was already as messed up as that bag.

This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition.  Everyone but Abby, anyway, as she announced that she would probably not be attending the event.

Here we go again.

She rambled something about a contractor who shows up at the new location every day except Tuesday (…random…) and then I got so distracted by how flat her hair was that I stopped paying attention.  Guess somebody forgot their hot rollers back in PA.

The ‘Shame On You’ group routine was going to be a poorly veiled dig at Nia (…I think it was when she called Nia a traitor that I figured it out…) even though Abby initially kept the theme a secret from everyone.  Nia also scored a solo, entitled ‘Master Of Disguise’ where she was going to wear two masks on top of each other (…making her Two Faced, get it?…duh…) even though if you count her RealFace it would come out closer to Three.

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Nothing really made sense this week.  Let’s just call it what it is.

#StarInYourOwnLife.

#LetItGoAbby.

Speaking of faces.  I couldn’t keep track of the HollyFaces.  And I didn’t even try.  Going forward, I really need to figure out some kind of spreadsheet or Apple watch app or something if this is how we’re gonna play it for the rest of the season.

Gah.  We love Holly.

Kalani and Kendall also scored solos.  But all that mattered right now was Kendall’s music video premiere!

Before the premiere, the Moms did attempt one last united front when they approached Abby to try and convince her to come to the competition, but she ended up telling them that “This is America. We don’t have to do this.  We don’t have to be here.” which made so little sense that I dumped my own purse upside down and almost went to bed.

Honestly, ever since Vivi-Anne did her Fourth of July Citizenship Dance I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.

‘Merica.

sal And as long as we’re saluting…

It was time for Kendall’s military-inspired video to premiere at Universal CityWalk, which I swear must be owned by Lifetime since that’s also where Asia Monet Ray did her first booty popping live concert on Raising Asia.  Oh hey, Boo!  Miss you!

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It was a hoot.  Everyone was signing autographs and running in circles waiting for the premiere like it was another Nickelodeon Awards Show.  Jill was gripping the biggest Slushie cup I’ve ever seen as everyone escorted Kendall to the stage.  Anyone else notice the security guy who looked like a giant park ranger?

The crowd was screaming and sign-holding and iPhone-ing like it was their day job.  I was especially fond of these overly excited girls below.  I didn’t realize that you were only allowed access to the event if you had a cell phone or wore glasses.  I guess if you had a cell phone AND wore glasses you were pretty much guaranteed front row.

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And how about this guy in the Times Square Rockin’ New Year’s Eve hat waiting for his Nivea Kiss?  The Dad behind him with the kid on his shoulders hates his life.

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And is it me, or does that really tall dude seem a little old to be that much in love with Kendall?  Look at his face.  He hearts her.

And where were they showing this video, anyways?  Off the side of the Goodyear blimp?

That can’t be healthy to tip your head back that far for 3 minutes, especially since you know every kid out there was sucking on gummy worms or jawbreakers from the CityWalk kiosk.  You could swallow your retainer fercryinoutloud.

Bonus Points for how proud Mom was during the premiere.  The one thing Jill always puts before anything else is her Family.  Except for when the lighting is so good that you just gotta take a selfie.  Werk, Mama.  Werk.

jThe important takeaways from this event:

Kendall is gorgeous, like all the Vertes girls.  She kind of looked like Military Barbie, except that she’s not blonde.  So she actually looked more like Barbie’s dark haired friend in the military, whoever that was.  Was that Midge?  There’s so many of them in that pink Target aisle now.  No clue.

KendallK (…her stage name…) danced in what I originally thought was an unhealthy amount of helicopter exhaust fumes until I figured out that it was only the dry ice smoke they use at Celine concerts.  Some junior high kid jumped the fence and gave Kendall such a big hug that I almost called the park ranger to pepper spray him in the eyes.  I hope she knew the guy because he got enough KK to make him a Legend in gym class tomorrow.

And, most importantly,  Abby wore the same outfit on stage that Bea Arthur wore in one episode of her Maude sitcom.  Even the sensible shoes.

Wear Em Out, girl.

Bonus Points also given to #TeamFrazier for supporting Kendall and all the girls equally.  I know everyone does, but they don’t show it onscreen enough, so it’s nice when it’s vocalized.

Group hug.

Back at 3rd Street the next day, Nia and Kendall’s face and head props were all missing.  No masks.  No hats.  Nada.  Naturally.  Why does this show insist on using props when you already know how it’s gonna end up?

I mean…

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 As Kalani tried her best to not be beautiful during rehearsal (…that’s why the dance was called ‘Unbeautiful’...) Abby decided to dump out a second purse and go through all her receipts.  Because sometimes bookkeeping just can’t wait.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  I know we already did it, but when did this lady get so funny?  I mean, really.  She used to drive me 400% nuts.  Now she’s HIGHlarious.  Dot com.

And then they premiered the second video of the week.  Jessie J‘s ‘Masterpiece,’ danced to by all the ALDC kiddos.

I like Jessie J.  And I like the fact that it was the real singer and not the karaoke version that they have to use during dances.  I even liked that it was so similar to Beyoncé‘s 7/11 video that Jay Z is probably already on the phone with his lawyer as we speak.

But the best part was actually just seeing the kids be…ummm…what’s the word…?

Kids.  That’s it.  They were being kids.

They were goofing and spoofing and doofing around town like you’re supposed to do when you’re tweeny boppers and still swallow your gum if a boy talks to you.  It was fun to see.  Second DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval this week.

Finally, it was Showtime.

But we’re out of time.  Guess that’s what you get first week back.

Here’s the wrap-up:

The makeup room was actually the principal’s office.  If that.  They cheaped out on the venue this week.  Like Costco cheap.  What was that place?

Nia thought she looked like one of the guys from Blue Man Group in her costume, but I think she looked more like a cross between these two guys from the Beatles cartoon…

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Abby never showed up.  Which meant that Kendall never got a costume.  Which meant that Kendall didn’t dance.  #RipOff.

Melissa was looking FLY.  I’m out of DanThat’sCool stamps for the week, otherwise she would have gotten two just for that outfit and hair.  IOU.

Kalani forgot her dance but pulled another one out of her brain and won First Place.  Nia unfortunately lost half her faces before the dance even started and ended up with only Fifth Place.  That mask must have been like those plastic Kmart ones you wore on Halloween that got really wet under your nose after 30 seconds.  I hated those.

The group routine pulled First Place.  Dat’s rite.  The ALDC…LA…has arrived.

Too bad Abby didn’t.

They did try to call her at the end, but she was clearly tanked up on a double dose of Nyquil and started rambling on about hotel security guards and paralysis and having lunch with Elvis and how a unicorn was hogging all the sheets…and…and…and…

…and…

They just put the phone down and left.

Which seems like a good idea right about now.

See ya next week.

Muah.

hp

Dance Moms: The ALDC Is Werking It And Walking It Back To Hollywood For The Battle Of The Rising Pop Stars.

Wednesday, April 8th, 2015

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Did she just say DALLAS? That was my favorite show. I totally need a selfie with Sue Ellen.

 

 

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Whoa. Hold up, Grandma. I don’t care if you are Korean. Nobody touches the hair.

 

 

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Psst. Just pretend you’re a drunk and your sister shot JR or we’ll never get out of here today.

 

 

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And you think the racist Korean part doesn’t make any sense? What the **** is happening today?

 

 

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Probably not as tired as you are of people still calling you ‘Demi Lovato’s Sister.’ We done?

 

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If God wanted me to read contracts and credit card bills, He would’ve made the print a lot bigger.

 

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We need to wrap this thing up and find a Dairy Queen. Mama’s blood sugar levels are dropping.

 

 

 

Werk It.  Walk It.

Werk It.  Walk It.

And while you’re at it, maybe you should Sign It.

Or at least Read It.  Because you’re in Hollywood now, baby.

Dance Moms was back on the West Coast again this week for ALDC LA: The Sequel.

After less than stellar results during their first trip to California, Abby Lee Miller and Co. had gone home, regrouped, rehearsed and reapplied spf50 and were now back in sunny CA with a reenergized vengeance for Round Two.  With dreams of First Place trophies, Pop Stardom and a franchise that would someday rival a Starbucks on every corner, Abby was looking to mark her turf in a big way this time around.

And nothing was going to stand in her way.

Except maybe the Pyramid of Shame.  Because that always takes priority, even when it’s relocated to the mirrors at the top of 3rd St. Dance Studios.  ALL the way at the top.

(Holy Leg Day, Batman.  You mean to tell me that Abby couldn’t have rented an empty room on the ground floor somewhere?  You see how many stairs they had to climb?  Six floors up and no elevator.  And you know Jill‘s Louis bag weighs a ton with all the crap she carries around on a daily basis.) nh

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Pretty low key this week due to the change in temperature from Pittsburgh to California.  Trust me, Los Angeles humidity doesn’t really lend itself to fur and feathers unless it’s Pride Week.  But Mama V was still getting it done, despite that one uncomfortable head shot confessional where the makeup girl put too much bronzer on her face and forgot the rest of her neck.  Anyone else see that?  But she’s my MomCrush and that makeup girl is out of a job now, anyway.

So, yeah.  Jill’s awesome.

As the gang caught their breath after scaling Mt. Staircase, somebody mentioned that Mackenzie had accompanied Abby around the city to scout out locations for the new ALDC studio.  Apparently Melissa has been secretly homeschooling her kid for a real estate license all this time in case the whole MackZ gangsta rap thing doesn’t work out.

Always have a back-up plan, kids.  The More You Know.

ALDC Fashion Watch:  Now the girls were all in teal ensembles.  Seriously?  Somebody needs to pick a color and stick with it, or my team mascot costume isn’t gonna make any sense when I unveil it at the Reunion Show.

Bottom of the Pyramid was nothing but Mackenzie flying solo.

The only thing worse than being on the bottom of the Pyramid is being the ONLY person on the bottom of the Pyramid.  Ouch.  But she can find you a duplex with walk-in closets and a view of the Pacific Ocean at below market rate.  So whatever.

The Middle Tier was home to Kalani, Nia and Kendall, which meant that the Top Spot was shared by JoJo and Maddie.

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JoJo had taken First Place with her solo last week, while Maddie had not even been in the building.  But Saturday Night Live always trumps anything in the Real World.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Boom.  That was it.

This week the gang was headed to another New York Dance Experience (…in Anaheim, so the name made no sense whatsoever…) where they would once again be critiqued live on stage after each routine by a selection of judges with microphones.

Spoiler Alert:  Yaaaaaaas, Hunty!  I bit that apple and almost choked on it before spitting it back out.  The Sas was Back!  You just sit yo’self back down and wait until showtime.

After all the MattyB drama that ensued the last time they were in California (…resulting in Five Hundred QuaTrillion youtube hits and his own Toys ‘R Us spray cologne by now, no doubt…) all the Moms really hoped to start this trip with a clean slate.  There really wasn’t time for any unnecessary stress considering that Kendall and Nia were getting ready to shoot their first pop music videos and Maddie was still fighting jet lag after flying around the world on Shia LaBeouf‘s private concord.

The Battling Pop Stars both scored solos.  Kendall’s Waiting’ and Nia’s ‘Never Knew’ dance would put the girls head to head not only on stage but also on the iTunes download charts.  Everyone was pretty excited, I gotta say.

The group dance, called ‘Together We Stand’ was Abby’s attempt at pulling everyone back into one United State of Dance.  Putting a splintered ALDC team on stage during their previous Hollywood trip had definitely not worked out very well, so hopefully parading out one big happy family would score higher with the judges this time around.

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Oh.  And did we mention that on Friday everyone was going to an Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato‘s sister Dallas?  OMG!

I know, right?  Demi Lovato’s sister.  Who was born in Dallas.  And her name is Dallas.

Shut.  Up.  It’s true.  Because it’s on the internet.  And she was the voice of some animal in some show about a Little Penguin which I’m sure was delightful.

Because penguins are delightful.  Especially little ones.

Needless to say, when Abby unleashed that bit of news on the girls everyone screamed and wet themselves faster than I would if Rachelle Rak ever followed me on Twitter.

Which she did.  And which I may have.  So there’s that, I guess.

As the girls all got down to dance biz, the Moms all headed next door to a fake MomPerch (…complete with a closed-circuit plasma screen like the ones they use in federal prisons…) to watch their kids rehearse and argue about the need for showbiz contracts.

Basically, there was a lot of creative control/legal mumbo jumbo back and forth between Holly and Jill for the remainder of the episode.  Nia had already begun her pop star bootcamp, so Holly was simply trying to pass on what she felt was valuable insider information, but unfortunately most of it just irritated Jill and made Melissa do that rapid eye blink thing she does when people start yelling around her.

Melissa wears contacts, right?  Didn’t we discuss that a long time ago?nh1

Let’s be honest.  The only thing that really mattered was when Abby came in and told Jill that she had already burned through $57,000 on Kendall’s career in just this month alone.

Fifty.  Seven.  With Three Zeroes after it.

Ok.  I just Googled “Gold Grills” and you can purchase what they call a starter grill for only $500.  So what the hell?

Side note:  My search history now includes WhoIsDallasLovato, MattyB videos, shows on Nickelodeon, glitter spandex, oversized hair bows for crazy little girls, the weather during Pride Week, HowHotIsItInsideTeamMascotHeads, gangster rap and cheap gold grills.

I’m so going to jail if Chris Hansen ever finds my hard drive.

Quick.  Let’s lighten the mood and go visit Mikey Minden, Nia’s video choreographer.

Who.  Is.  Fabulous.  Dot.com.

Werking It.  Walking It.  Werking It.  Walking It.

Honestly, the only thing more Fabulous than Mikey were Holly’s Fabulous HollyFaces whenever Mikey opened his Fabulous mouth.

Imagine a long hallway.  Holly looked down the long hallway.  Imagine you back dat thang up against the mirror and shimmy down it like I don’t know what.  Holly looked all around the room like when you point a laser pen at a cat.  Imagine you snatch the microphone and then get all like Hey I just snatched the microphone.  Holly snatched the microphone.  mm

Imagine Janet Jackson‘s makeup artist doing Nia’s face for the video.  Holly couldn’t breath.  Imagine Nia getting her hair done by Katy Perry‘s hair stylist.  Holly blacked out for a minute and almost hit her head.

Side note:  When Mikey wiped himself all over the mirror I made a mental note to start cleaning my shower doors the same way from now on.

I bet even his Scrubbing Bubbles are Fabulous.

Love me some Mr. Minden.  Dude.  Is.  Faaaaaabulous.

When Holly finally picked herself up off the floor, she pointed out that THIS is what LA is all about.  Hollywood, baby.  Hollywood!

Gurrrrrl, pleez.  Free hair AND getting your face painted like a Rhythm Nation dancer?

You are preaching to the choir, sistah.

How could it get any better than this, you ask?

Maybe we should scoot over to the Acting Seminar with Demi Lovato’s sister and see.

Part acting seminar, part timeshare sales pitch and part off-site retail commission training at the Ramada, Dallas put the girls through every audition hoop she could think of to prepare them for life outside the studio.

Side note:  Dallas didn’t look anything like any of the pictures from Google.

After name dropping Selena Gomez a few times, Dallas had each girl pick a random character that was floating around in their head and then do an impromptu group scene.c1

One.  Kalani chose the dumbest sales clerk I’ve ever seen, so I’m assuming it was someone from Abercrombie & Fitch.  The scent they pipe out through the air ducts in that store makes you stupid.  It’s true because I wrote it and now it’s on the internet forever.

Two.  Maddie was tired, but nothing else really mattered after JoJo chose ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ because, well…I mean…Elderly Korean Woman.  C’mon.

I just can’t.  The fact that ‘EKW’ was even on the menu inside JoJo’s sparkle-filled brain was almost more than I could handle.  I was also relieved to find out that after all these years, I’m not the only person relying on my inner ‘Elderly Korean Woman’ when faced with awkward social situations.

YouSoPrettyLady.

I swear.  JoJo is my Spirit Animal now.  It’s like we’re twins or something.

You just need to watch it.

Side note:  JoJo taking at-home Korean lessons somehow made getting Root Touch-Up in your Christmas stocking seem less odd.  I’m so in love with her Mom Jessalynn now that I should probably go back and edit out about 98% of the smack I said about her in my old Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition recaps.

Seriously.  When did Jess get so damn funny?

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for a new Lighting Director.

Did you see all that harsh lighting in the auditorium?  And even some of the last confessional thingamajigs?  What are they using lately…sunlamps?

rr

You could tell my girl Rachelle was not happy at all.  How’s a bitch supposed to get all Sas-y when she’s sitting under a bulb that looks like a Star Trek transporter?  Beam me up to Home Depot, Scotty, so I can get some soft focus incandescents.

And how about all those little babies in the front row?  What was that all about?

Where were their parents?

Side note:  The stage was ginormous but the wall logo was a tiny iPhone home screen app.  Really.  A tiny little square sitting on the floor.  Go figure.

Nia and Kendall’s solos both went really well.  The emcee was Super Pregnant in a sequined dress.  Or at least I hope she was.  I apologize in advance for any insensitivity if she wasn’t.  But if she was pregnant, I think it might be time for flats because those stilettos were giving me third trimester anxiety.

Plot Twist:  Turns out that Holly and Nia didn’t have any signed contracts either.  What the what?  That sudden realization made Jill say something that got bleeped out and reminded me of the time she threw a shoe across the room.

Some days I really miss Cowboy Hat Jill.

Backstage before the group routine, Abby had just enough time for a quick Q&A.

Q:  What do you think a lot of money is?

A:  (Maddie) A Billion Million!  Go Big or Go Home, yo.  (JoJo)  Less than that.

jsw

And maybe a pony.

The point was to make sure the entire team realized how much bankroll Abby was investing in their careers.  No pressure, of course.  Especially you, Kendall.

And you’re $57,000 whatever.

Then the ALDC hit the stage for their final dance of the night.  Which was lyrical.  Because that’s their thing again.

And I stand corrected.  Abby got Kendall a starter grill AND paid someone off to pump her new iTunes song through the loud speakers before the awards ceremony.  So that was $57,000 well spent.

At the end of the day, Nia took Third Place and Kendall scored First.  Awesome!

Maybe it was just from sitting under the hot lights for an entire competition, but I thought Abby had said that the girls were going up against each other in a Battle of the Pop Stars and yet they ended up getting two different awards in two different age categories.

I will never understand DanceMath.

All in all, given their previous adventures in Hollywood, everyone was pretty happy with the results as the whole thing shut down for the day.

Both Kendall and Nia’s music careers were starting to percolate.  The Moms were all kinda sorta getting along.  And JoJo even offered to take everyone out for Korean food.

YouSoHungryLady.

Werk.

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Dance Moms: Sorry, Sheriff. This Town Ain’t Big Enough For Two Maddies. It’s A Showdown At The Jersey Corral.

Wednesday, March 11th, 2015

nia

 

 

I’m looking at you with my It’s Been A Week And You Still Haven’t Downloaded My Single Side Eye.

 

 

g

 

 

Am I the only one who sees Godzilla busting through the wall behind me? What is this place?

 

 

bow

 

 

OMG! It’s me again! It’s like I just follow the ALDC tour bus around and scream my brains out!!!

 

 

rhoa

 

 

I said you’re falling out of your damn dress and the Candy Apples are gonna win the whole thing.

 

v1

 

 

 

Don’t turn around, but how the hell did Vivi-Anne get that underwear model for a babysitter?

 

l

 

 

 

Girl, you do NOT want me to put my phone down and lift my leg up right here in the hallway.

 

j

 

 

 

Honestly, I just wanna take off these heels and have a beer that’s about this big right now.

 

 

 

Attention.

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me now?

Don’t make me get my bullhorn.  Because I will.

No time for witty intros.  The Candy Apples are back.  And it’s a long one, so let’s do this.

Still trying to regroup after The Great Hollywood Divide, the Dance Moms gang headed into their second week back home with some snappy new Pittsburgh Galleria threads for the Moms and shiny leotards for the girls that were straight out of the Wizard of Oz.

Am I wrong?  I don’t think so.

Let’s keep it real.  When it comes to marketing her brand, Abby Lee Miller makes my head hurt.  From what I can tell, the official ALDC colors are black and white and that hot pinkish whatever it is color.  At least that’s what’s on all the banners and painted on the walls.  And when they randomly choose to wear their track suits (…shouldn’t that be a requirement when you come off the bus?..) they’re made from the same color swatches.

So when the girls all bounced in for the Pyramid of Shame looking like they had just finished re-stuffing the Scarecrow down at the Emerald City Day Spa,  I didn’t know what to think.  Was it just me?

Buff Buff Here.  Stuff Stuff Here.

I mean, even Abby’s newly down-sized, over-sized logo top was emerald green.

br

Don’t get me wrong.  It was a nice color.  Like those LLBean fleece zip-ups that everyone wears on Sunday at Whole Foods.  And, honestly, it was probably pretty irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.  But it confused me.  Like if the New England Patriots suddenly came running out onto the field in new colors.

Which would be so wrong on so many levels.

Because.  I mean.  Red, White and Blue.  You don’t mess with it.

‘Merica.  We salute you.  Now back to our story.

Bottom of the Pyramid was anchored down by Nia, Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo and MackZ.  The mezzanine level was home to Kendall and Maddie, which left just enough room at the top for Kalani.

Oh.  And tiny Brynn Rumfallo was back in the lineup.  She’s very excited to be here, thank you.  She’s Abby’s latest recruit and looks exactly like the Tinker Bell cartoon you see on cups and plates about halfway down the girl aisle at Party City.

Which reminds me:  Happy Birthday, Kendall!  Everybody clapped and wondered why there was no cake.  There should always be cake.  Always.  I hope this new and improved Abby Lee Miller doesn’t mean we’re cutting back on the pastries.

This week, the crew was headed to Wayne, NJ for another Sheer Talent competition.

Maddie and Brynn scored solos.  Everyone clapped, but not as enthusiastically as they did when they thought there would be cake.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier Reference:  Maddie had a reputation now.  Her Sia video was nominated for FOUR Grammys!  Count ’em…FOUR!  We’re going to the Grammys!

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Hilariously, Maddie was quick to point out that OMG she was “so not going to the Grammys WITH Abby,” which I assumed meant that she would be driving herself to the Staples Center.  I didn’t realize she was old enough to have a license, but then again I’ve never actually seen any of the Ziegler’s birth certificates, so who knows.

But she’s not going with Abby, that’s fo’ sho.

The group routine was entitled ‘Dance In The Rain’ and was a typically subliminal Abby mash-up about waiting for meteorological (…and choreographical…) storms to pass.

Since MackZ (…yes, I believe she’s still on this show if I’m not mistaken…) and Nia had previously both won national titles in Las Vegas (…you go, Sasha!  First One!…) part of their responsibilities as crown holders was to dig out their old Toddlers & Tiaras sashes and hand out trophies on stage this weekend.  Exciting, right?  How fun.

Upon hearing that news, Nia was quite excited.  Who wouldn’t be?  But apparently she was not excited enough to bust out a handstand into a backward somersault ending in a signature Death Drop followed by a Times Square balloon drop and a confetti popper, which irked Abby so much so that she got all up in Nia’s grill about her lack of enthusiasm.

What?  Oh, sorry.  I was too busy climbing the iTunes charts with my new single.  What did you just say, Miss Abby?  Snap.  And another snap.  In a ‘Z’ formation.

Srsly.  Even when Nia is just looking both ways before crossing the street on her way to school, she has THE best Side Eye ever.  The.  Best.

And don’t forget to buy her single.  Like right now.  Right here.

Holly and I both finally blew a nutty with all this never ending NiaNeedling.

Enough.  Enough.

hf

And enough.

Insert random shots of Melissa nodding and agreeing and twitching a little here: _____.

Holly didn’t regret any of the decisions she made when the team was in California.  Not the recording studio.  Not the music video.  And she shouldn’t.  Because she did it for her daughter.  And that’s what a Mom does.

Side note:  If anyone is asking, that blowout haircut right up there is one of my favorite HollyLooks.  I think she’s singing one of the songs from Dreamgirls, actually.  And if you’re not asking, I just told you anyways.

As everyone got down to business, we scooted over to Ohio for a few minutes, to check in on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein and her Candy Apples.  Long time no see, folks.

This week, Cathy had lured choreographer Erin Babbs back up to Canton.  Because, I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave all the glitz and glamor of sunny Los Angeles and spend a week trapped in a dance studio that’s attached to a place that sells homemade turkey jerky via local cable access infomercials?

I miss Chloe.  And her mini-Gaga Meat Dress.  Those were good times.

Erin, who we last saw giving the ALDC a beatdown in Hollywood, appeared more than happy to bring her expensive sunglasses and fancy choreography to Ohio if it meant humiliating Abby Lee Miller one more time.

Side note:  How much do we love Lady Killer Lucas Triana and those patootie Morales kids?  So precocious.  And how about all that Twitter drama with their respective Mamas?

Lawd.  I can’t even.

Gurrrrrl…you just need to Google it, because if I get started we’ll never see the end of this episode.  But trust me.  It’s Hair Salon juicy, so pull up a dryer and let’s dish.

cj

I love me some Lucas, except when he gets a little mouthy.  Such a playa.  He’s been my idol ever since the Dance Moms: Miami days when his head was too big for his body.

Remember when he swore at my boy Gavin and made him cry last season?  That wasn’t cool.  Not cool at all.  Because Gavin’s my boy and he has one of the best WTF face I’ve ever seen.  Who you callin’ a bitch, Bitch?

It was almost worth it just to see Mama Joanne Morales lose her nutty, though.  Almost.

Lucas just needs to know when to adjust the dial, because MiamiCute isn’t always gonna fly once you hit puberty.  Uncle Dan’s just trying to help, Cowboy.  That’s all.

Spoiler Alert:  The second trip back to Ohio wasn’t any better.  Cathy felt Lucas was acting squirrelly.  His Mom Brigette was starting to lose interest in the whole Ohio situation.  And Joanne kept phutzing with her long bangs and buzzed side of her hairdo.

Full disclosure:  I can’t remember the other two Moms’ names.  My bad.  I’m sure they’re very nice, but they were too scared to talk around Brigette and Joanne so they probably should have just gone next door and picked up some nice officially licensed Ohio Hickory Farms souvenirs while the kids were jumping around.

Jerky.  The Canton gift that keeps on giving.

Back in PA, the girls were rehearsing their brains out while the Moms finished unpacking the rest of their emotional baggage from the Hollywood trip.  Brynn’s Mom Ashlee was still blindly basking in the glow of the ALDC Honeymoon Phase, so he had no idea what to expect.  Blissfully oblivious I think they call it.

My MomCrush Jill wanted Holly to clear the air with Abby (…good luck with that, BTW…) and JoJo’s Mom Jessalynn was remarkably normal for the second week in a row.

Gotta admit.  Jessalynn’s starting to grow on me faster than her daughter’s roots are coming in.  She makes some really funny faces.

jj

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  On point again.  Nothing too crazy this week.  Her focus was clearly on setting up Kendall’s BDay party and planning a trip to Boston so we can go shopping.  Hint:  Macy’s is having another One Day Sale this weekend.  With a preview day on Friday.  And I’ve got a coupon.  Just saying.

The Moms weren’t quite as divided as last week, but you could still cut the tension with a knife.  If you wanted to pull it out of Holly’s back, I mean.  Dr. Beyoncé still didn’t feel that the other ladies were behind her 100% and it’s a discussion that will clearly drag on for a few more weeks.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Side note:  Busted.

We already know that Lifetime is notorious for recycling little snippets of video and going completely hot mess on their continuity if they find leftover B-Roll in a drawer.  Don’t even get me started on that one.  I watched last week’s Bring It! two times before I even realized that it was a new episode.

But this time?  That same little hyper spaz girl with the hair bow going completely hyper spaz in her hair bow when the bus pulled up to the curb?

Busted.

Unless the lady behind her with the Canon SureShot is a math tutor and they legitimately pulled this peanut out of school so they can follow the ALDC bus around the country like two Aerosmith groupies, that’s the same footage from whenever that kid was on this show the first time going hyper spaz.

Granted, she is so freakin’ cute that I would be totally ok if they spliced her into every episode for the rest of the series (…it might actually make for some comic relief if she screamed every time Holly made a HollyFace…can you even imagine?  I died a little just thinking about it…) but c’mon, people.

bh

Side note Numero Dos:  If you fire the person who did that editing, I would be more than happy to come work for Lifetime Television and get advance copies of each episode so I can go to bed earlier on Tuesday nights.  Just thinking out loud.  Hook a brother up, guys.

Did I forget to mention that Cathy came stomping into the venue with a bullhorn?  Because she did.  And it was loud.  And childish.  And loud.  Very loud.

She also bullied some poor girl into taking an iPad selfie with her even though the poor thing was waiting for Abby to come around the corner.

Backstage, in a makeshift Green Room that was even crazier than last week’s makeshift Green Room (…this show is straight up visual overload for somebody like me…) Brigette dropped by to say Hi and then got busted by Cathy for fraternizing with The Enemy.

Somewhere around now was when Lucas rolled his eyes like he was Caroline Manzo on the Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion Part Two.  You’re Garbage.

Maddie’s solo went like all the other Maddie solos.  Abby was afraid that her training had suffered because she was jet setting around the country pimping out that Sia video and becoming the next Disney IT Girl, but she did just fine.  Because she’s Maddie.

And she won First Place.  Der.

Side note:  What is Melissa always scribbling in those dance programs?  It’s like she’s picking her favorite horse to Win, Place and Show or something.  Anyone know?

Brynn’s solo was equally as well done.  Since Abby specifically imported her from Neverland to become the New Maddie, it was imperative that she dress her in basically the same costume and dim the lights a little so nobody had a clue who was actually on stage.  I think it worked.

For such a tiny little thing, Brynn has some crazy long flexible legs.  She got Second.

bsb

Vivi-Anne sighting:  I almost didin’t recognize her without ice cream.  But there she was, all sniffly and fidgety with her new Calvin Klein model Manny.  You see that dude?  And you know how Abby likes her ManCandy.  They totally edited out the part where Abby dropped her phone behind her seat and had to reach between his legs to find it before it started vibrating.

The phone, I mean.  Don’t be nasty.

The ALDC group dance, despite the MaddieCam focusing on one dancer a little too much, was really well done.  I swear these girls grow taller with every episode.

And then the Candy Apples hit the stage with one seriously whacked out edgy routine.

At first it kinda sorta reminded me of Asia Monet Ray‘s Wizard of Oz dance (…two references in one week?  What are the chances?…) from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition when she wore 47 yards of black garbage bag and almost gave her Mom Kristy Ray an aneurysm.  But then it kinda sorta reminded me of when they have to roll out that baseball field tarp during rain delays.  I couldn’t decide.

Regardless of what I thought, it was basically 4 military parachutes’ worth of fireproof fabric turned into a dress that all the boys had to whip around like they were sending smoke signals to the cheap seats in the back of the auditorium.

Holly had to admit that it was pretty cool, even though all that flapping did mess up her hair a little.  And you know how Mama is about her hair lately.

The ALDC won First Place, which meant that the CADC took Second.

Which meant that straight up chaos erupted in the hallway.  No wonder someone had blocked the exit doors with the same folding metal grates you always see pulled down in front of liquor stores after they close for the night.  You see that?  Is that even Fire Code?

Brigette called out Cathy for…I dunno…being Cathy, I guess.  Joanne got cranky.  Jill screamed something about Tea and Crumpets and I wondered why the Queen of England would even be in Wayne, NJ at this time of year for a dance competition.

mz

Jill stole Cathy’s bullhorn.  Because of course.  Plus, the only thing better than being loud and childish is to add grand larceny into the mix, right?

(In her defense, my MomCrush did admit that she wasn’t proud of her behavior.  But…oh, well.  Too late now, suckahs.)

Cathy fired Lucas from the Candy Apples.  Brigitte told Lucas to go back in and quit, which kind of defeated the purpose of being fired in the first place if you really think about it.  And then Lucas started mad trippin’ in the hallway by the lockers and suddenly morphed from Caroline Manzo into one of the beasts from VH1’s Bad Girls Club, whipping his iPhone around and screaming about how they all treat him like crap.

MmmHmmm.  I hear dat, girlfriend.  Shoot.

I think he even gave Gavin a wedgie and then shoved him in a locker if I’m not mistaken.

That poor GDawg can’t cut a break lately.

In all the excitement, Kira realized that her clingy dress had hiked up too far, but luckily recovered just in time before anyone had to splice in that little girl screaming again.

You catch that?  Yikes.

Then it was over.  I can’t remember if Melissa actually spoke this week.  I know Holly just needed a break after the last few episodes.  Can you blame her?

Abby was laughing and having the time of her life as the credits started to roll.  It was almost creepy she was so happy.  She decided to keep the old Maddie and send the new one back home for who knows how long.  Don’t fret, though.  Nobody ever seems to go away for good on this show.

We even got a quick glimpse of the kids actually being…just kids…as they snatched the bullhorn and ran around backstage.  It was cute.

Jersey was fun, but it was time to go home.

See ya next time.

Buh bye.

hi


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