Posts Tagged ‘MackZ Music Video’

Dance Moms: They’re Baaack! Let The West Coast ALDC Adventures Begin. It’s KendallK In LA…Wear Em Out, Girl.

Wednesday, June 10th, 2015

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Yaaaaaaaaaaaas! Rodeo Drive! Sunset Strip! Hollywood Blvd! Mama and her Amex are home!

 

 

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I can’t believe I sat in coach for 2,500 miles just to find out I’m the most normal one in the bunch.

 

 

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I can’t even see through the eye holes. Who keeps coming up with this crazy s***?

 

 

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Left Right Left strike a pose, oh oh. Mom stop wearing my clothes, oh oh… No. Srsly. I mean it.

 

 

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So, yeah. She had more people at her premiere, but I had way more hair. Let’s call it a tie, mmkay?

 

 

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No way. You just answer the survey and they give you a free Whopper? This one’s a keeper.

 

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Gurl. You see that mess? I don’t need a doctor’s note to tell me White People Are Crazy. Lawd.

 

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OhMyGawd. Please tell me you can’t see up my skirt in that Beyoncé video.

 

 

 

They’re baaaaaack!

It’s Dance Moms: West Coast Addition.

No photos, please.

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Finally.

Welcome to the ALDCLA.

Brace yourself for the time change, because all the MamaDrama and DancingTrauma that you’ve come to love in Pittsburgh will now be coming at you three hours earlier.  At least for the foreseeable future anyway.  Hollywood or Bust, baby.

After threatening and/or bragging about it for the past 17 seasons, Abby Lee Miller finally uprooted her team and moved everybody to California this week to launch the second location in her ALDC Empire.  It took a couple of trips, but now it’s actually happening.

And third time’s a charm, right?

The last time we saw everyone, the Real Housewives of Pittsburgh were all dressed up at the mid-season Reunion Show giving Jeff Collins some upper lip sweat as they rehashed the first 18 weeks of the season and phutzed with their holiday party hair.

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Well, actually, that’s not even true.

The lip sweat part is true.  Because that totally happened.  The Moms freak him out.

Side note:  Did you know that Jeff used to grocery shop for Leeza Gibbons?  Or cook her dinner when he was her butler or something.  I forget.  I only skimmed the Wiki page, but it was something like that.  How awesome would that job be?  You totally know she requires the crust be cut off all her sandwiches.  You can just tell.  It’s always the nice ones that are high maintenance.  She won Celebrity Apprentice, BTW.

Anyway.  The last time we actually saw everyone together was down under during their Australian Tour.  But apparently I missed out on some of that hilarity.  Or all of it, maybe.

Clearly, I slacked on the Aussie adventure and I’d like to personally thank the Twitterverse for publicly shaming me and making me feel all like…

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Basically, you missed a bunch of exceptionally cute koala bear photo opps, Maddie wobbling a turn that momentarily crashed the internet (…NewsFlash: She’s Human…) and my girl Nia Sioux (…that’s her new name now, I guess…) dancing like Janet Jackson.

Because Miss Frazier if you’re Nasty.

You might have also missed Mikey Minden being Fabulous.  That’s his thing, you know.  It just kinda happens, even when he’s sitting at traffic lights drinking a Starbucks.

And, of course, Jessalynn making some of the best crazy audience faces EVAH during Nia’s FrazierNation dance.  You missed all of those.  And they were awesome.

But you can clear your DVRs now.  Because you’re caught up.

For the third time, the Moms arrived in California only to find out that the new ALDC location still wasn’t ready for occupancy.  It wasn’t clear why, or when, or if the place would ever get a second coat of primer, a working door, a sign that wasn’t scotch taped to the window and a certificate of occupancy from Ryan Seacrest (…he still owns Los Angeles, right?…) so once again we were back at 3rd Street Dance for another Pyramid of Shame.ap

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s a nice enough temporary base of operations, but going up and down those 8 flights of stairs every morning has got to wear a girl out.  No wonder nobody points their toes anymore.

As everyone headed to the penthouse for Pyramid, Holly was still basking in the glow of Nia’s Australian concert as my MomCrush Jill began getting herself worked up for Kendall‘s own upcoming music video premiere.

Let’s get all the contractually required business out of the way early…

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Jill actually brought it up this week and it happened before anyone had even made it though the front door.  I forget why she even mentioned it.  That’s how fast it happened.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Jill seems to be transitioning quite nicely from Muppet feathers to breezy summer weight cold-shoulder tops.  The warmer California climate has to be a challenge for anyone who likes a good furry Star Trek vest and a popped collar.  I feel your pain.  Luckily, whatever Jill had to give up in layering pieces she clearly gained in Bump-It height.  Because that thing was closer to God than I’ve ever seen it.  And it scored the DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  Looks like somebody brought a GlamSquad with her all the way from Pittsburgh.  Hollywood likes MamaZ.  Half Jill Vertes/Half Ariana Grande, Melissa’s ‘do was definitely catching up to her new found LA fashion sense.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  This is a new one.  She is a freakin’ riot.  Period.

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Unfortunately, before the Pyramid could even begin, Abby had the first of what would prove to be many unexplainable Moments of Lunacy (…Spoiler Alert: The working title for Holly’s second book…) as she dumped the entire contents of her Old West saddle bag onto the floor in search of earrings.

Because if you’re going to lose your nutty, it’s important that you’re properly accessorized.

Side note:  We all know how everyone involved in this show has been overloading social media lately with complaints about editing and blah and blah and whatever and blah.

That’s why they call it social media, people.

But I’m sorry.  That hot mess of a bag didn’t have anything to do with editing.  Or fights with producers over creative differences.  Or even Star Wars CGI graphics, though I did half expect Jar Jar Binks to fall out of that black hole eating a cookie when Abby dumped it upside down.

Srsly.  There was a leftover Chips Ahoy with a bite taken out of it, some lady things that probably should have been blurred out like they do with Melissa’s mouth when she swears, enough scrap paper for a Coachella bonfire, a ziplock Baggie with whoknowswhat inside, half a kitchen junk drawer and even an acrylic fingernail that, thankfully, wasn’t still attached to anybody’s finger.

ab And then a commercial for this.  Hilarious.

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I see what you did there, Lifetime.

After Jill and Melissa dug through the Prada Landfill and found enough stuff to win the weekly Collins Avenue Scavenger Hunt, it was on to the Pyramid.  Which, after all that build-up, didn’t really matter much on the first week back.  Especially when this recap is already half over and we haven’t gotten anywhere yet.

The only thing I will mention is that Abby pointed out Maddie was on top of the Pyramid for one reason:  Her Humbleness.  And her insistence on including all the girls in her  world-wide success.

Which is actually two things.

Clearly, ten minutes in and Abby was already as messed up as that bag.

This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition.  Everyone but Abby, anyway, as she announced that she would probably not be attending the event.

Here we go again.

She rambled something about a contractor who shows up at the new location every day except Tuesday (…random…) and then I got so distracted by how flat her hair was that I stopped paying attention.  Guess somebody forgot their hot rollers back in PA.

The ‘Shame On You’ group routine was going to be a poorly veiled dig at Nia (…I think it was when she called Nia a traitor that I figured it out…) even though Abby initially kept the theme a secret from everyone.  Nia also scored a solo, entitled ‘Master Of Disguise’ where she was going to wear two masks on top of each other (…making her Two Faced, get it?…duh…) even though if you count her RealFace it would come out closer to Three.

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Nothing really made sense this week.  Let’s just call it what it is.

#StarInYourOwnLife.

#LetItGoAbby.

Speaking of faces.  I couldn’t keep track of the HollyFaces.  And I didn’t even try.  Going forward, I really need to figure out some kind of spreadsheet or Apple watch app or something if this is how we’re gonna play it for the rest of the season.

Gah.  We love Holly.

Kalani and Kendall also scored solos.  But all that mattered right now was Kendall’s music video premiere!

Before the premiere, the Moms did attempt one last united front when they approached Abby to try and convince her to come to the competition, but she ended up telling them that “This is America. We don’t have to do this.  We don’t have to be here.” which made so little sense that I dumped my own purse upside down and almost went to bed.

Honestly, ever since Vivi-Anne did her Fourth of July Citizenship Dance I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.

‘Merica.

sal And as long as we’re saluting…

It was time for Kendall’s military-inspired video to premiere at Universal CityWalk, which I swear must be owned by Lifetime since that’s also where Asia Monet Ray did her first booty popping live concert on Raising Asia.  Oh hey, Boo!  Miss you!

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It was a hoot.  Everyone was signing autographs and running in circles waiting for the premiere like it was another Nickelodeon Awards Show.  Jill was gripping the biggest Slushie cup I’ve ever seen as everyone escorted Kendall to the stage.  Anyone else notice the security guy who looked like a giant park ranger?

The crowd was screaming and sign-holding and iPhone-ing like it was their day job.  I was especially fond of these overly excited girls below.  I didn’t realize that you were only allowed access to the event if you had a cell phone or wore glasses.  I guess if you had a cell phone AND wore glasses you were pretty much guaranteed front row.

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And how about this guy in the Times Square Rockin’ New Year’s Eve hat waiting for his Nivea Kiss?  The Dad behind him with the kid on his shoulders hates his life.

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And is it me, or does that really tall dude seem a little old to be that much in love with Kendall?  Look at his face.  He hearts her.

And where were they showing this video, anyways?  Off the side of the Goodyear blimp?

That can’t be healthy to tip your head back that far for 3 minutes, especially since you know every kid out there was sucking on gummy worms or jawbreakers from the CityWalk kiosk.  You could swallow your retainer fercryinoutloud.

Bonus Points for how proud Mom was during the premiere.  The one thing Jill always puts before anything else is her Family.  Except for when the lighting is so good that you just gotta take a selfie.  Werk, Mama.  Werk.

jThe important takeaways from this event:

Kendall is gorgeous, like all the Vertes girls.  She kind of looked like Military Barbie, except that she’s not blonde.  So she actually looked more like Barbie’s dark haired friend in the military, whoever that was.  Was that Midge?  There’s so many of them in that pink Target aisle now.  No clue.

KendallK (…her stage name…) danced in what I originally thought was an unhealthy amount of helicopter exhaust fumes until I figured out that it was only the dry ice smoke they use at Celine concerts.  Some junior high kid jumped the fence and gave Kendall such a big hug that I almost called the park ranger to pepper spray him in the eyes.  I hope she knew the guy because he got enough KK to make him a Legend in gym class tomorrow.

And, most importantly,  Abby wore the same outfit on stage that Bea Arthur wore in one episode of her Maude sitcom.  Even the sensible shoes.

Wear Em Out, girl.

Bonus Points also given to #TeamFrazier for supporting Kendall and all the girls equally.  I know everyone does, but they don’t show it onscreen enough, so it’s nice when it’s vocalized.

Group hug.

Back at 3rd Street the next day, Nia and Kendall’s face and head props were all missing.  No masks.  No hats.  Nada.  Naturally.  Why does this show insist on using props when you already know how it’s gonna end up?

I mean…

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 As Kalani tried her best to not be beautiful during rehearsal (…that’s why the dance was called ‘Unbeautiful’...) Abby decided to dump out a second purse and go through all her receipts.  Because sometimes bookkeeping just can’t wait.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  I know we already did it, but when did this lady get so funny?  I mean, really.  She used to drive me 400% nuts.  Now she’s HIGHlarious.  Dot com.

And then they premiered the second video of the week.  Jessie J‘s ‘Masterpiece,’ danced to by all the ALDC kiddos.

I like Jessie J.  And I like the fact that it was the real singer and not the karaoke version that they have to use during dances.  I even liked that it was so similar to Beyoncé‘s 7/11 video that Jay Z is probably already on the phone with his lawyer as we speak.

But the best part was actually just seeing the kids be…ummm…what’s the word…?

Kids.  That’s it.  They were being kids.

They were goofing and spoofing and doofing around town like you’re supposed to do when you’re tweeny boppers and still swallow your gum if a boy talks to you.  It was fun to see.  Second DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval this week.

Finally, it was Showtime.

But we’re out of time.  Guess that’s what you get first week back.

Here’s the wrap-up:

The makeup room was actually the principal’s office.  If that.  They cheaped out on the venue this week.  Like Costco cheap.  What was that place?

Nia thought she looked like one of the guys from Blue Man Group in her costume, but I think she looked more like a cross between these two guys from the Beatles cartoon…

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Abby never showed up.  Which meant that Kendall never got a costume.  Which meant that Kendall didn’t dance.  #RipOff.

Melissa was looking FLY.  I’m out of DanThat’sCool stamps for the week, otherwise she would have gotten two just for that outfit and hair.  IOU.

Kalani forgot her dance but pulled another one out of her brain and won First Place.  Nia unfortunately lost half her faces before the dance even started and ended up with only Fifth Place.  That mask must have been like those plastic Kmart ones you wore on Halloween that got really wet under your nose after 30 seconds.  I hated those.

The group routine pulled First Place.  Dat’s rite.  The ALDC…LA…has arrived.

Too bad Abby didn’t.

They did try to call her at the end, but she was clearly tanked up on a double dose of Nyquil and started rambling on about hotel security guards and paralysis and having lunch with Elvis and how a unicorn was hogging all the sheets…and…and…and…

…and…

They just put the phone down and left.

Which seems like a good idea right about now.

See ya next week.

Muah.

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Dance Moms: I Want My ALDC TV! It’s The Pop Star Music Video Battle When Kendall And Nia Sioux Go Hollywood.

Wednesday, April 22nd, 2015

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I said Who Run The World? Vertes Girls.

 

 

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Where did I park? This isn’t even my damn car! I swear LA is worse than the Mall at Christmas.

 

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I’ll gladly snap off Abby’s arms if she wants to see how hard it is to dance without jazz hands.

 

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Sweetie, Imma need you to get yo’ Mama under control or I swear she’s going in Time Out right now.

 

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When he said I was too tall to be in the video and to stop whipping my hair, it hurt my feelings.

 

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I feel just like one of the Kardashians. Except with talent. And natural beauty. And a job.  #SIYOL

 

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That was like really good. They totally get a unicorn sticker with a smiley face. And some glitter.

 

 

 

Attention.

Ladies and Gentlemen, start your chopper engines.

And plug in your fog machine and marquee nameplate while you’re at it.

Because it’s the Battle of the Pop Stars: Video Edition.  And it starts right now.

As Abby Lee Miller and the Dance Moms crew got ready to say goodbye to Hollywood for a second time, they made sure to pack the final week with enough shocking plot twists and MTV-inspired Mama Drama to keep everybody on their pointed toes.  Video might not kill the ALDC stars, but it’s definitely going to take awhile for the bruises to heal.

The party started right out of the TSA security gate this week inside a super massive airplane hangar filled with enough MMC (…MilitaryManCandy…) to keep even Abby off her iPhone for a few hours.

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Atten-hut!  It was the filming of Kendall‘s “Wear Em Out” music video.

Part Vertes/Andrew Sisters doo wop, part Dance Dance Revolution for Xbox 360, Kendall and her girls busted their moves all over the place while a platoon of soldier boyz did their thang in the background.  Marching in formation, doing morning calisthenics and getting Poland Springs water thrown in their face by Abby, the troops somehow managed to keep it together as KendallK (…like MackZ, but with a ‘K‘…) unleashed her upcoming single in front of the cameras.

Or at least most of them kept it together.  Check out Left Shark here doing the wimpiest half-a**d jumping jack ever when Sergeant PrettyGirl walks by:

tumblr_nn6fh1kjIu1tb8iyko4_400Kendall is pretty, too.  Just like her sisters.  Who were also in the video.

I don’t really know how many Vertes Sisters there are, because every time you turn around it seems like there’s another one on Instagram going to Prom or CheerCamp or something.  But they’re all pretty, because they take after my MomCrush Jill.  And it’s not creepy at all that I know they’re on Instagram and have boyfriends.

And check out Right Shark here looking all nervous that his Mom is gonna find out he skipped school for the video shoot and see Abby Lee Miller rubbing his belly like she’s making some dirty wish on a Buddha statue:

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There was also a dog on set for some reason that kept showing up on social media.

And speaking of Social Media.  Hold that thought until we’re done the Pyramid of Shame.

Shocking Plot Twist #1: The Pyramid wasn’t a Pyramid.  It was just a stack of photos, two in each row.  I know, right?  Crazy pants.

JoJo and MackZ (…I think she might just be plain Mackenzie again right now…) were on the bottom.  Nia and Kalani were in the middle.  And then Kendall and Maddie were on the top.  So it was pretty much still a Pyramid, but just not in a triangle shape.  It was also kinda sorta implied that each level was a tie, but I didn’t think Abby allowed anyone to be tied with Maddie so I might have to refer to the judges for a decision.

Shocking Plot Twist #2:  Who.  Were.  Kids.

Seriously.  The judges at this week’s Dance Kids USA competition were going to be children.  Which must have made my new girlfriend Rachelle Rak throw something at her television when that was announced, because how can one week be judged by The Sas and then the next week be judged by three girls who probably still wear retainers to bed?

It’s like we’re living in a world with no rules now.  The Dance Apocalypse is upon us.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Maddie was going to perform at The Grammys this year.  Polite applause all around.mm

Hopefully Melissa still has that lawyer on speed dial from a few years ago (…when she was going to sue all the Original Recipe Moms for talking smack about her Boo…I mean, Boss…) because I think Sia adopted Maddie when nobody was paying attention.

And I’m not jealous at all.  I just want to be Maddie, that’s all.

JoJo and Kendall scored solos.  JoJo was going to be strapped inside a straight jacket and try to dance her way out of it like a spunky Houdini, while Kendall needed to learn how to fling around whatever those big sticks are called that drum majors use when they lead the band at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

The group routine, entitled ‘Platinum,’ was a choreographed interpretation of record albums going platinum on the Billboard charts and would allow the girls to wear hats made out of leftover CDs since nobody buys CDs anymore.

Side note:  Every word out of Abby’s mouth this week came with an implied dig at Nia.

You can insert them wherever you’d like, because that woman was relentless when it came to creating competition between Kendall and Nia’s videos.

Abby was still mad that Holly (…allegedly…) went behind her back and took charge of Nia’s blossoming music career.  Holly was still mad that Jill was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls.  Jill was still mad that Holly was trying to turn the whole thing into a competition between the girls.

I was still mad that Holly has Aubrey O’Day on speed dial and won’t give me the number.

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I swear.  Everyone was mad about something.

Side note:  For a moment it almost felt like I missed an episode somewhere.  All of the sudden, Jill and Abby were BFFs (…remember when my MomCrush was still a Studio Hopping Cowboy Hat Wearing Blah Blah Blah?…) and Jessalynn and Kira‘s pinky swear pact to support Holly had somehow been rendered null and void since last week.

Is it just me?  Did I miss something?

As the girls rehearsed and the Moms chillaxed by the closed circuit SpyCam, Jill complained that Holly was doing nothing but name dropping every time she casually mentioned how excited she was for Nia’s upcoming video shoot.

Don’t shove it in my face, woman.

Let’s be honest here.  If Janet Jackson‘s makeup person was applying my chapstick for me, I would freakin’ put it on a t-shirt.  And a billboard.  And even the butt of my sweats like they do at Victoria’s Secret and then back dat thang all the way up Main Street.

(Maybe not the part about Kim Kardashian‘s hair stylist doing my hair.  Because, you know…Kim Kardashian.  I’d stick with the Katy Perry spin on that one.)

But the other part?  Fo’ sho.

Side note:  When Nia asked Abby if she would be able to come to her video shoot, she was so mature and level headed when Abby tried to punch her in the throat.  We could all learn a little something about keeping your s*** together from that girl.

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Holly and I both agreed that we would have lost our nutty on the spot, but Nia kept it together and politely agreed to disagree with Abby on the whole MattyBgate scandal.

And the Aubreygate scandal.  And the Momager/Managergate scandal.  And the TodrickHallgate scandal.  And the YouSoldOutgate scandal.

Apparently there are a lot of unresolved issues here.

But all that would have to wait.  Because it was time for Nia’s video shoot!

Which was Off.  The.  Hook.

You know how in soap operas when sometimes a little kid will go upstairs after dinner and then come down the next morning about 10 years older played by a totally different actor because they needed to speed up the storyline for May sweeps?  It was just like that.

Now you know I don’t like to play favorites, because all these girls are redoinkulously talented and deserve all the success and opportunities that this show has given them over the last five years.  But you also know that Nia’s my girl.

And now she’s all grown up and I’m a little emotional.

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Srsly.  When they slapped that weave on her head I was all like LaQuifaWhaaa—? and probably had the same face that Mackenzie has in that picture with Maddie up there.  The only way I can explain it is that somehow the Janet makeup brush must have still had Jackson DNA on it, because all of the sudden Miss Nia was legit FIERCE.

She popped it and locked it and bounced it and So You Think You Can Dance‘d it like a seasoned pro.  There was so much visual stimulation going on that Holly and I were both told to take a seat or risk being removed from the set.

Memo to choreographer Mikey Minden:  You might want to bring along JoJo’s straight jacket for the next shoot, because Mama was going off like she had just won a Dance Moms Meet & Greet or something.  Ma’am, we’re gonna need you to simmer down or go to the back of the line to catch your breath.

Check out Nia werkin’ it like I do when I try on last year’s summer clothes and they still fit:

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Aubrey even showed up wearing lipstick that was way too dark for that early in the day with a ginormous congratulatory floral arrangement.   FYI:  She hated Abby now.  And wanted to check her.  Like Shereè O’Day from The Real Housewives of Atlanta.

Who gon’ check me, Boo?  (A pointless reference if you don’t watch the show.)

I’m not even getting into how Fabulous Mikey Minden was this time around, because if you don’t already know that Mikey Minden is Fabulous, I just need you to stop reading this right now and walk away from your computer before somebody gets hurt.

Fab.  U.  Lous.  Fist Pump.  Sparkle Fingers.

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Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Melissa showed Abby all the social media postings that Holly had been sending out during Nia’s video shoot.

Side note:  Melissa probably wouldn’t have had to hold the phone so close to Abby’s face if she’d stop refusing to wear her readers while the cameras are rolling.  As much as Abby drives me crazy sometimes, I was sincerely concerned that all the bling from Melissa’s phone could possibly blind her if the sunlight caught it at just the right angle.

And then it slowly started to go downhill from here.

Abby didn’t approve of the new and improved Nia Sioux.  Or the tweet from Aubrey stating that Miss Frazier If You’re Nasty was gonna kill any other Dance Moms video in the history of Dance Moms videos.  Kill it.

The next day, everything completely unraveled when Abby took everyone to see the new ALDC LA space she had just rented.  As she took the girls inside to check out their new West Coast crib, she left all the Moms outside.

Alone.

Which is never a good idea anymore.

Jill and Holly went at it.ma

Holly couldn’t understand why none of the Moms were willing to celebrate Nia’s success for one day.  Just one day, people.  She’s been supporting all the girls since way back when Brooke was still getting cake in the face on Date Night, so it didn’t really seem like an unreasonable request to me.

As always, since you know I hate confrontations, we’re skimming over most of the street fight.  You can debate who was right and who was wrong in the chat rooms or in the comment section down below.  I don’t like when people fight.

Jill got mad and claimed that Holly clearly went over the posted internet limit for video shoot postings, which I didn’t know even existed out there on the world wide web.  Holly yelled.  Jill yelled.  They both talked with their hands a lot while the other Moms casually drifted in and out of both sides of the argument.

And then the whole thing just turned into a sloppy Mom on Mom pig pile.  Abby even came outside and made things worse by stating that there was a lot of content in Nia’s video that she didn’t care for and pushed every one of Holly’s buttons she could reach.  Here we go.

Side note:  If we’re looking to find any humor in such a sad situation, Holly reminded me of myself in high school when I used to have fights outside the building while waiting for the bus to take me home.  I’d yell and walk away and then think of something else to say and come back and then walk away and then come back with yet another zinger.  I think I even had those Jordache jeans she was wearing with the big pocket stitching.

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I swear, if they had Fitbits back in the good ol’ days I could have burned off my 10,000 daily steps just fighting over who said what at the the last cafetorium dance.  Dump me because I’m too short?  Really?  Well, I’m still short and you’re still a bitch.

Wait.  What?

Holly wanted to know how silver body paint was any worse than a nude body suit.

OhNoSheDin’t.  A Sia jab?

Boom.  Slam-dunk.  Nothing but net.

But it was sad.  And Holly cried in somebody’s car, which made me sad.  She wanted to share the joy with her friends, but they were Abby’s friends now I guess.

Whoever let her sit in their car was a nice person, tho.  So she has at least one friend.

And that’s a good thing, right?  I don’t like it when my Moms fight.  Especially when there’s a whole underlying life lesson to be learned about support systems and a Mother’s love and friendships and standing up for your beliefs and values.

Let’s face it.  I’m not big on grown up stuff.

Finally…thankfully…it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  That was the biggest butterfly blouse I’ve ever seen.

We love Jill.  Period.  End of sentence.

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JoJo’s solo was sufficiently crazy, but unfortunately did not even place in the competition.  When her arms finally came out of the straight jacket, it was like she trying to scale the walls of the ALDC Asylum and get the heck out of Dodge.  I feel your pain sometimes.

I believe that JoJo is contractually obligated to only wear her side pony on the left.

Kendall’s solo was sufficiently Macy’s, but only scored Fifth Place.  Abby told her backstage that if she cried she would have to do 100 push ups, most likely with her mother on her back the way things were going this week.  Later in the afternoon when JoJo cried she didn’t have to do push ups, unless they just didn’t show them on television.

Side note:  Was this event held in a prison?  Did you see those lockers and that hallway?

The group routine reminded me of choreography that Chloe should have danced for some reason.  Not sure why.  But it made me miss her.  Hey, Chloebird.  Sup?

Side note again:  During the group routine a little balloon popped up in the bottom left corner of my screen that said “Follow Lifetime on Instagram for more hairstyle pics.”

Let me get right on that.

Luckily, the ALDC group dance took First Place, which was the trophy Abby wanted the most.  The rest of the chaos didn’t really matter now, since they were heading back to Pittsburgh in the morning, though I did notice my girl Nia run to that back curtain wall at a pretty good clip.  I’m assuming it was for bagels.

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Because that’s where they keep them, remember?  The More You Know, kids.

And then it was over.

The music videos were off somewhere in post-production and the Moms were a divided mess.  Hopefully they can fix that asap because it’s giving me anxiety.

Throughout all the drama, somehow, the girls were still supported by their Moms, each other and their fan base.

Nia Nation and Kendall Kingdom (…I just made that up…) rallied behind their faves and sent them internet huggies all night.  Friends and Family are important.  And not just for the 25% discount at Lord & Taylor twice a year.

Oh.

I almost forgot.

The judges.  They had glitter cups, Britney headsets and booster seats.  It was awesome.

Only in Hollywood, I guess.

Pittsburgh…we’re coming home.

#StarInYourOwnLife

#WearEmOut

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Dance Moms: Life Is Short. Stop And Smell The Hollywood Roses Or The Whole Thing Will Get A Little Prickly.

Wednesday, April 15th, 2015

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I support Kendall. Unless she tries to wear my new Janet Jackson hair. Then it’s on, Girlfriend.

 

 

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I got enough on my plate right now just dealing with the 3 hour time change and a side pony.

 

 

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So I go to the salon and say “Give me the Ariana Grande” and now it’s like we’re twins, right?

 

 

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Seriously. Now you know why I hang from the chandelier.

 

 

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Trust me. The MDP ain’t scared of a few little pricks like you.

 

 

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I’m just saying if he tweets that video of me Mom Dancing one more time, I’m calling my lawyer.

 

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So when you fall asleep with wet hair in Hollywood, they call it a Beachy Wave. Who knew?

 

 

 

You’re right.

That’s a lot of hair jokes in the first 30 seconds.

But that’s how it went down on Dance Moms this time around.

Between the never ending MamaDrama and the ever changing HairCare, there was a lot going on in Hollywood this week.  A lot.

So much so that if I wasn’t such a lazy couch potato I would totally go back to beauty school and get another degree, because there’s clearly a need for more qualified psychotherapists who can do a blow out.  And I think I’d be awesome at it.

But I love my Moms, regardless of any mood swings or fly aways.  So on with the show.

This week started out on the windy sidewalk in front of 3rd St. Dance studio as everyone filed in for the West Coast Pyramid of Shame.

Sasha Nia was rocking a new hip hop snapback and Honey Bow Bow Child JoJo had a clip-on that was bigger than the gift wrapping on the roof of that Prius in last year’s Toyota Christmas commercial.  I swear that little peanut’s headgear is either gonna stunt her growth or give her the neck strength of those guys who pull Monster trucks around the State Fair race track with their teeth.

Side note:  I need to know who Kira uses as a cell phone provider, because she’s always first with the download of any social media dirt.  Every time you turn around she’s all like LookAtMyPhoneGurl and then flashing a tweet or Facebook sumthin sumthin before anyone else can even get their phone out of their Louis.

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This time it was some smack talk from Erin Babbs and her Murrieta Dance Project, allegedly “looking forward to kicking some Pittsburgh booty” at this week’s competition.

Except they’re called MDP.  Because it’s Hollywood, baby.

If you don’t remember Erin and all the MDP hilarity that ensued when she hooked up with the Candy Apples a few weeks back, you’ll need to Google it yourself and research the details, because the MDP vinyl banner was dangling so crookedly on the MDP back wall that I just can’t right now.

OMG.  MDP.  OCD.

Once they caught their breath after scaling the seven flights of stairs to the ALDC’s rented studio space, the girls had a quick discussion about Kendall‘s upcoming military music video and then quickly changed the subject before MackZ realized that jumping on a twin bed for three minutes doesn’t really compare to parachuting out of an actual Black Hawk helicopter as it explodes in mid-air on an 8-count techno beat.

Wear Em Out, gurrl.  Just Wear Em Out.

Abby does like to pick and choose her favorites on a weekly basis, don’t she?

Side note:  In her one-on-one Real Housewives confessional sniglet, my girl Nia was wearing her new music video hair.  Dang.  SuperLong.  SuperFly.

Miss Frazier, if you’re Nasty.

Spoiler Alert:  Did you see the clips from Nia’s own upcoming music video?

WERK.  All in caps, Miss Thang.  We love Nia.

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This week, the ALDC team colors were white.  And white.  Whatever.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Nia, MackZ and JoJo.  Nia had some technique issues, MackZ got called out for something or other in the group dance and JoJo’s hair bow was so big that I just forgot what I was talking about.

Middle of the pack was all Maddie and Kalani.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Too late.  You missed it.  Abby snuck that one in when she pointed out that Sia doesn’t require any proper technique in her music videos and now Maddie can’t even remember how to do a je ne sais quoi.

Which meant that Kendall was on top!  And so excited.  We all were.  And next week was the taping of her music video.  Double the excitement!  Which was also the week that Nia was filming her own music video.  Triple the excitement!  Which meant that Nia should probably not assist in Kendall’s project becau——

And then Abby cut off Holly in the middle of her conversation just like that.

Girl, pleez.  Holly and I gave the best HollyFaces ever right then.  Both  of us.  You just couldn’t see mine.  But it was awesome.

Cut me off?  I don’t think so.  My BFF has a PhD.

This week the gang was headed to Riverside for another World-Class Talent Experience.  Kalani and Maddie both scored solos.

Abby’s New Implied Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Maddie was going to be MIA again tomorrow because she would performing on the Ellen Show and unless she was doing card tricks or celebrity impersonations, it’s probably safe to assume that it was going to be a Sia dance.  So there you go.  Implied.

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Side note:  Have you seen Ellen’s stuff that she sells on QVC?  Some of it’s cool.  Some of it’s a little countryfied for a city slicker like myself, but I’d still buy some if it was on Easy Pay.  I’ll never understand the whole battery operated timer phenomenon, tho.  I mean, if you’re seriously too lazy to get off the couch, walk over to the mantel and turn on your candle, then I think we have bigger issues here.

Personally, I blame the internet.  And blogs that take forever to get to the point.

Speaking of technology.  So even with my new iPhone 6Plus, iPad, MacBook Pro, Apple TV, two desk calendars and one of those magnetic thingamabobs from the grocery store that’s stuck on my refrigerator, I still somehow missed the notification that it was National Pick On Nia and Make Her Feel Like A Second Class Citizen Day.  Because apparently it was.  At least according to Abby.  Because she was relentless on my girl.

I wasn’t liking it one bit.  And neither was Holly.

(Take Kendall outside and shut the door in my face?  Really?)

But I love the way Holly supports Nia.  Especially when it comes to accountability and equal support for all the girls.  She doesn’t want all this music video hysteria to take away from the experience and the learning and the friendships within the team.

I also love how she ends everything on Twitter with #starinyourownlife.

I bet she totally talks like that in real life.

Buy milk.  Pick up dry cleaning.  Get my hair did.  Did you watch Scandal last night?

Hashtag: starinyourownlife.

If only it were that easy.  As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms got to raising the Homeland Security Tension Level to Orange, we had just enough time to scoot across town to check in on the MDP and their crooked a** banner.

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The girls were all tightly tanned-up and bunned-up (…as previously noted, I haven’t gone to beauty school yet, so I’m not certain that’s the correct term for all those matching Asia Monet Ray hairdos…) and were going through the choreography for their own group routine while Erin yelled at them and talked more cellphone smack about the ALDC.

I don’t think Erin smokes.  I just think she yells too much and could use a Ricola.

The MDP was using a big prop that was either the makeup table from RuPaul’s Drag Race or a bar from Hooter’s.  It was hard to tell.  Since the girls were doing some pretty fancy chair work it could have gone either way, I guess.

You can tell the MDP is all LA.  They look the part.

Back at the ALDC camp the next day, things got uncomfortably heated between Holly and my MomCrush Jill.

Turns out that Kendall, Maddie, Mackenzie and I don’t know who else all ended up hanging out with Todrick Hall the night before.  Like a sleepover or something, I guess.

Except Todrick is a youtube sensation.  And you’re not.

It wasn’t really clear who called who and why Jill just dropped her kid off in an unfamiliar city in the middle of the night without even asking any questions, or why Todrick always wears a Mickey Mouse hat.  But for some reason Nia was the only person not invited.

Well…Nia and me, actually.  Which was not cool at all.

Especially when we both cried ourselves to sleep.  FYI…I don’t like when people cry.

Especially Nia.  Or Kalani.  Or Maddie.  Or MackZ.  Or JoJo.  Or Kendall.

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(And don’t even get me started on next week’s sneak previews already.  Holly crying inside some automobile?  No.  Not doing it.  Unless she caught her finger in the car door, I don’t even want to know what’s going on.  I’m already stressed out.)

I’ll let Todrick off the hook for this week, tho, because realistically nobody would be able to dial a phone wearing those big, floppy Mickey Mouse hands of his (…HellzYah I want Disney to pay MY rent, too…) but I’m not sure why somebody else couldn’t have just knocked on Nia’s hotel door and let her carpool.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Somehow, even when she stormed out of the room like Christi Lukasiak 2.0, she was still on point.  I was especially fond of her plaid blazer the next day when she and Holly kinda sorta made up a little.

Side note:  Where do they go when they keep running out of the room?  Do they just stand on the other side of the door and wait for someone to pull them back inside?  I was afraid Jill might end up wandering the streets and find herself back at Todrick’s again.

Or worse.  Rodeo Drive.  And her credit cards were in the hotel safe.

If you want to see the whole argument, you’ll need to rewind your DVR because you know how I avoid confrontation at all cost.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Fashion Watch:  Digging the new Aria Grande look.  Since I’m sure you hang on my every word, let me just suggest that you wear your hair like that more often.  It’s a really good look.

Plus there’s less to catch on your eyelashes when you NervousBlink.

We love Melissa.  And she doesn’t hate me.  Yet.  So there’s that.

Side note:  The MDP had this tiny little squirt of a kid named Keara doing a solo.  She was really cute and ran in crazy circles around a tree throwing leaves up in the air like she just don’t care.  If this whole Dance Thing doesn’t work out, she already has the perfect misspelled name for Toddlers & Tiaras.

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I think I left out the part where the ALDC girls were having a test run scotch-taping super long fake nails onto their little hands and using them to represent the thorns on a rose.  Which I guess would make more sense if I had also remembered to mention that the group dance was entitled ‘The Rose Garden.’

They were crazy nails.  Like those really, really long, completely non-functional jeweled-out acrylics that the ladies who hold up DMV lines insist on wearing while they try to pick up forms with their lobster claws.  You know who you are, gurrrrlzz.

Tapping them things on the counter ain’t gonna make me process your paperwork any faster, either.  So how ’bout you just take a number and tell your baby to stop crying.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The MDP had broken into the ALDC dressing room and tagged their makeup mirror with some lipstick graffiti welcoming them to the ‘hood.  Not only was it rude, but it was also last season’s color palette.

Melissa scrubbed that thing down like it was radioactive waste.

Maddies’ solo was great, overshadowed only by Abby’s crazy MTV Awards bracelet.  Did you see that thing?  When Lil’ Kim realizes you stole her bling, she gon’ be maaaaad.

Keara, not Kira, ran around in circles until she found a baby tree behind the big tree.  That kid can dance.  Look out when she’s tall enough to ride the rides at Universal.

Kalani followed that one with her own stellar solo.  I think her legs got longer this week.

Right around here, Lifetime snuck in a video clip commercial with all the ALDC girls spazzing out at last year’s Reunion Show having some kind of sleepover slumber party thing that got me so overly stimulated I ended up screaming “GO TO BED!” at my television screen.

Holy Sugar Buzz, Batman.  They were Instagraming and Instagram selfie screaming and having Instagram selfie contests while cartoon Instagram selfie word balloons were flying around like I don’t know what.  Like SpongeBob on selfie acid maybe.

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MackZ’s shoes even popped off.

The two group routines were both really well done.  The ALDC Rose Garden headpieces were so elaborate that I think my cable bill might go up next month.  Clearly the days of Kelly Hyland hot glueing beer can tabs onto the hem of Paige‘s tutus are long gone.

When the awards were finally handed out, it was ALDC all the way.

Not only did little Keara’s ‘Resurgence’ solo only come in 5th Place, but the emcee managed to completely F*** up the name and called it ‘Resurrance,’ which I totally misheard from the kitchen as ‘Sponsored by esurance.’ 

At this point, I don’t even know what makes less sense…the fact that Lifetime didn’t fix that goober in post-production, or that for a minute I actually thought Allstate gave a rat’s a** about lyrical dance on the LadyChannel.

Kalani took Second Place.  Maddie took First.  Bravo!

And then the ALDC shoved the MDP back down to Number Three in the group category by snagging the First Place spot right out from under them.

Everyone was going nuts.  JoJo even popped a fake nail right off and almost blinded some little kid who was chewing on one of those plaques they give everyone.

And then it was over.

Until next week, that is.  When it’s Battle of the Pop Stars: Part Two.

Video Wars.

Which will probably go a little sumthin like…

Hashtag:  YouKnow.

hf


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