Posts Tagged ‘Maddie Ziegler’

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Put Some Phunk In Dat Steampunk. It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue Again!

Wednesday, February 17th, 2016

hw

 

 

If you two just stay cute and clean up all this crap, Mama will sit here and do your homework for you.

 

 

ww (2)

 

 

Srsly with this cup in my shot again? Why can’t they pay for a commercial like everyone else?

 

 

jail1

 

 

It’s been awhile since Accounting, but I think whatever you erase just kinda goes away…

 

 

niaguns

 

 

 

Contour all you want, but you ain’t never getting my #HollyArms. They’re a work of art, Baby.

 

car

 

 

 

Whoa. I specifically asked for hot sauce in my bag. Beyoncé got hot sauce in her bag, swag. Gurrl…*

 

 

kkg

 

 

I’m going on four weeks with no sleep and a leaky pump. You sure you wanna do this right now?

 

 

dalazy (1)

 

 

I know that heifer didn’t just call me Lazy, cuz I will rip that car door right off the hinge.

 

 

 

*Before we even begin:

Drumroll, please.giphy-1

If you didn’t get that opening Beyoncé Super Bowl reference, it already means we’re gonna have trouble this week.  Imma need y’all to stay up to date on your pop culture or we can’t be friends anymore.

Also.  This is Queen Bey breaking in new shoes.giphyThis is you.

IMG_1650Any questions?

Good.  Now on to Dance Moms.

So you want Fame?  Again?

Chile, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  But it’s still gonna cost you.

And right here is where you keep paying.  Financially and emotionally this time.

So just have a seat.

And sit like this if you don’t mind…

DebbieAllen-Fame …because (…YAAAAAAAAS, Gawd!…) Debbie Allen is back!

Dat’s rite.  It was Miss Allen to the rescue once again as Abby Lee Miller continued the long, slow process of losing all her mental marbles…one by one…thanks to all the shizz that you keep seeing on the TMZ app.

Melissa and my MomCrush Jill were the first to find Abby this week, hunkered down in that crazy backroom/bedroom/storage room situation, unexplainably surrounded by a bunch of school boys and clutter.

Take Your Neighbor’s Son To Work Day, I guess.

As Abby struggled with what was either the NYTimes crossword puzzle or a page ripped out of one of those Barnes & Noble Sudoku books (…it was hard to tell…) a bunch of random child laborers were busy organizing sequined tube tops and who knows what else into more of those plastic Target bins.  Like when the Backstreet Boys used to have to do odd jobs to pay for their first demo cd.  Except nothing like that, probably.

With her hair up in those invisible, make-believe hot rollers again, Abby was a mess.

aWith an “ongoing incident” involving $170, 000 that (…allegedly…) may or may not have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, Abby clearly had more important things on her mind than setting up the latest Pyramid of Shame.  Despite Melissa and Jill’s urging, she couldn’t be bothered this week.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.

She did cry a dramatic single tear, which I have never been able to recreate even tho I attempt it every time something doesn’t go my way.

Wait for it.

tIt’s coming.

t2

There it is!

t2Just like in the soap operas.

cries-in-spanishDespite all of Melissa and Jill’s attempts at coaxing Abby out of the backroom, she wasn’t budging.  Even when the rest of the Moms joined in on the rally…nuthin.

It was like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when that guy used to stick his whole head into a gopher hole and only came back out with a bloody nose.  Some times you just have to cut your losses before you lose any eye.

Side note:  In a moment of hilarity, Jessalynn told Gianna that Abby looked exactly like Gia always does every morning at 7:10am.  I’m just gonna leave that one right here and you can decide if it was meant as point of reference or an insult.  Your call.

Abby’s cup totally matches all the crap in the back, BTW.

a1Since Pyramids aren’t Gia’s thang, we scooted right into assignments for the week.

The ‘Well-Oiled Machine’ group number was going to be a steampunk-themed dance that would include Maddie if she ever decided to show up again.  That movie was certainly taking long enough.  I’m pretty sure the new Star Wars movie wrapped up faster.

Clever Segue Dept.:  This is what R2-D2 would look like if he were steampunk-ed.

awesome_steampunk_creations_640_01

Side note:  The movie 9 was a cute movie if you still need a kinda sorta family-friendly Netflix example of steampunk.  Little kids won’t understand any of the end-of-the-world depressing stuff, but they’ll totally want a couple of these stuffed beanbags with eyes.

And the animation is insane.  Look at these little guys.

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Kalani and Brynn both scored solos.  Since the gang was headed to Arizona for this week’s Sheer Talent Competition (…and Phoenix was Kalani and Brynn’s hometown…) you could already tell where the bulk of the drama would be coming from this week.

Kalani was excited to see her Mom after all this time (…Spoiler Alert:  Kira‘s back!…) while Brynn just started doing this a lot.

bPoor little nugget.  This whole Maddie Stand-In thing is going to give her a stroke.

Which Wich Sighting/Drinking Game Alert:  That yellow cup was back again.

wwLifetime is giving away coupons for FREE Which Wich sammies if you find all 27 times the logo cup showed up in this episode.  Let’s make it a game until the network sues me.

They Said It Would Never Happen Dept.:  You might wanna sit down again, because the Moms all just agreed on something.  I swear.  All of them.  Even Jill and Ashlee, who hate each other.  But not as much as Ashlee hates Kira.  And vice versa.

Every last one of the Moms agreed that the girls would be better off rehearsing at Debbie Allen’s studio if this was how Abby was gonna play it this week.  They were going to go where they were wanted.

So Jill called all the kids into a quick family meeting and told them they were packing up their gear (…subliminal steampunk foreshadowing…) and heading outta Dodge for the week.

JoJo was all for it.

jj

Kendall looked like she was having a BrynnStroke even though she wasn’t really.

I’m not sure what that was all about.
kk

 Mackenzie is still on the show, FYI.

mzAnd Nia was straight up Whatever.  #OverItThankYou.

overitSide note:  When did our little Sasha Nia get so big?  Look at her.  Boo all growed up, yo.

niaAnd then Brynn did this again.

b1Side note:  Naturally, Holly still had Debbie Allen in her speed dial, so just to be on the safe side I made sure my phone was fully charged.  Because, you know…“DE–“ is pretty close to “DA–“ and I didn’t want to miss Holly’s call if she #ButtDialed me by mistake.

Because I’m pretty sure I’m in her speed dial, too.

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Or not, maybe.

Needless to say, the trip to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy was beyond inspirational.

Miss D was all like ‘Halleloo’ and ‘Discover The Narrative’ and wearing this…

da (1)…and doing this…

da3…and going ‘YAAAAAAAAS!’ like I don’t know what.

da1YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  And…YAAAAAAAAS with a fan!

i_B3_P20i2_SGu9_OSide note:  In all the excitement to get to Debbie Allen’s crib, I may have forgotten to mention all the nasty texts that Kira (…allegedly…) had been sending Ashlee (…who she hates…) because Ashlee (…who hates Kira…) had (…allegedly…) said nasty things about Kira and Kalani (…who nobody hates…) and that had now spiraled so far out of control that Lifetime will probably have to bail on the Which Wich freebies in order to payroll additional security when Kira comes off maternity leave.

**@!#!*#@@!**

kg1

Yeah.  What she said.

And then we came back from a commercial break and I swear they skipped an entire day of filming, because Maddie was already back.  And Kira was back.  And everyone was already in Arizona at Kira’s Adage Dance Studio.

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Exactly.

Even Abby was in Arizona.  Because it’s a dry heat.

And because she wanted to pout and complain and get all up in e’rrybody’s grill without having to actually participate in any of the dance-related activities leading up to the competition.

She did , however, show up in the parking lot with a bag full of tasty lettuce wraps.  After getting her roots done, of course.  But before getting her eyelashes glued on.

#GospelTruth.

You can’t make this show up.  You just can’t.
eat2Did you see her eating?  She kind of chews like a bunny.

MjdPanhSomething about her cheeks, I think.eatNobody could believe she flew all the way to Arizona to eat lettuce wraps.  Which must be pretty tasty if you’re gonna fly all the way to Arizona just to eat lettuce wraps, right?  I don’t even like putting my pants back on to go across the street for a slice of pepperoni.

So you go, Arizona.  You and your tasty lettuce wraps just go.

I’m not even going to address the part where Abby called Debbie Allen lazy.

Side note:  Jess’s faces are starting to give me Life.  What the what did she just say?

jjss

Q.  Anyone else notice all the stuff going on in Kira’s studio?  All the photos and writing and chalkboard artwork everywhere you looked?  Someone even drew a Cat-In-The-Hat hat on the blackboard for some reason.  Except it was purple.

kgYou could tell Holly was getting some baaaaad SchoolDaze flashbacks.

hAnd everything was labeled with hot pink paper from Staples.

Every.  Thing.

Even the water in a vending machine that was clearly designed for dispensing beverages made out of water was labeled ‘water.’

That’s just crazy.  Who does that?

AQToh-1450285111-575-blog-batmanlabels

Besides Batman, I mean.

Finally it was Showtime!

And time for Kira to show up a few minutes late because she was out back pumping gas at the Exxon station and the credit card machine wouldn’t accept her new card.

Because that’s totally what she was talking about, right?

Otherwise, she came into that backroom sharing way too much information for me that close to my bedtime.

Oh.  And Ashlee called out Kira for her 3 Baby Daddies and criminal record.

427I know, right?  El Morte.

Which doesn’t even make any sense but it’s the only Spanish I know.

Jill was like Pleeeez…

satan

…but Ashlee was trying to be all like…

tumblr_nwb9htabMV1ujoffjo1_500..and then it was nothing but screaming and yelling about boob jobs and credit fraud and who hated who the most while Abby just sat there reading the Sheer Talent program book wondering what was taking the damn waiter so long to come over to her table.

menuQ.  Srsly.  Did she even know where she was this week?

Kira swore some more, called Ashlee pathetical (…which, BTW…turns out to be a real word after all…) and then went tearing out of her own studio before the show even started.

No wonder she’s always in the back pumping gas.

That’s a lot of miles on the car if you’re gonna keep driving back and forth between your house and your business every time somebody pushes your buttons.

It all makes sense now.

Side note:  Baby Jett got cuter this week.  What a niblet.  Go creep her Facebook.

And then…finally…it was really Showtime!

And Daycare time, apparently, because the first two rows of the auditorium were filled with kids holding Care Bears and not paying attention to anything that was going on around them.  You can get plenty of gas when you need it, but I guess babysitters are in short supply in AZ this time of year.

Kalani nailed her solo.  Nailed.  It.kh

Brynn did great, too.  But she seemed a little…little…after seeing Kalani’s long legs.

Look at her with all those Little House On The Prairie braids going on.  Can’t you just see her screaming for Pa when the horses get loose?  I love Brynn.  So cute.

b.2tiff

I think I forgot the part where Kira supplied all the steampunk costumes for the group routine since Abby had emotionally checked-out for the week.  My bad.

They looked great (…and the gear-centric stencil makeup was amazeballs…) but the girls were all wearing different styles of shorts, which Abby noticed when she finally took her head out of the Chéz Adage menu.

sp

Luckily, she miraculously had a steampunk steamer trunk full of ziplock bags stuffed with matching booty shorts in the perfect burgundy accent color.  Really.  I swear.

A Bag O’ Shorts.  Outta nowhere.

Rewind the DVR.  If I’m lying, I’m dying.  And I thought I was the only one who liked to keep my booty shorts as water-tight as farmers market veggies.

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Don’t ask.

Holly couldn’t believe that everyone was worrying about costumes 30 seconds before the music started when they could have been figuring it all out three days ago before Abby melted down.  Good job this week, Ms. Miller.  Good job..

Then there was some more screaming.

And another one of those chaotic Girl Talk commercials where JoJo told me how to pack a dance bag for a sleepover and sit in my splits while I’m watching TV.

Ok.

As if.

ar

That’s the face I make when someone tells me to sit in a split.  Ashlee just stole it.

The Awards:  Kalani took First Place.  But Brynn didn’t place.  And there was clearly a third Kendall solo sumthin sumthin that ended up on the editing room floor, because KK was running all around the stage wearing a sash and beauty pageant crown that was way too small to be her mother’s.

Full Disclosure:  Haters gonna hate, but I heart the Vertes family.  Check out Mama in this lil numbah.  You know she knows she looks gooooood.

jcs

And the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  And they deserved it.

It was tough.  Sharp.  Aggressive.  With a funky grinding gear sound that made it extra steampunkish, which is just as much a word as pathetical, thank you very much.

tumblr_o2o3fiXlaP1tb8iyko1_500And then it was over.

Abby was just as vague about next week as she was last week about this week.  And made about as much sense as that sentence just did.

Maddie was back for good.  Which meant that Brynn was on probation now.  Which meant that Ashlee was on probation.  Which meant that next week was almost certainly guaranteed some more Mama Drama fo’ sho’.

Q.  Didn’t this show used to have Minis?  Wait a minute…

Never mind.  It’s late.

For now, it’s time for all us steampunks to go home.

See you next time.

Buh bye.

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Dance Moms: Abby’s Back…And She Brought Tiny Reenforcements. It’s The Invasion Of The All-New ALDC Minis!

Wednesday, February 10th, 2016

jj (1)

 

 

The girls said you can flip the camera lens and just look at yourself all day. This is life changing.

 

 

mel

 

 

Someone is literally gonna have to sit on me if that new lady says one more thing about Boo’s pigtails.

 

 

wf

 

 

I’ve never actually watched the show before. Do I kiss her ring now or how does this all work?

 

 

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Please forgive me. I promise to go home and watch all the Sia videos tonight. Just don’t hurt my family.

 

 

air1

 

 

Trust me. You’re not even worth my hair, which cost a whole lot more than that Flintstones blouse.

 

 

 

k1

 

 

It’s true. I swear to Gawd. Last week when she took the hot rollers out it was like this big. No lie.

 

 

ao

 

 

Before you make any Orange Is The New Black jokes, keep in mind that I got four lawyers on speed dial, ‘kay?

 

 

 

It’s true.

What they say, I mean.

Big Things do come in Little Packages.

Especially when you’re talking Diamonds.  And Mama Drama.

Just ask the new ALDC Minis.  About the Mama Drama part, anyway.

For such tiny little nuggets, these (…Spoiler Alert…) 5 new little girls have certainly brought along enough baggage (…both emotional and over-sized Vera Bradley…) to the party in their first month at the ALDCLA.

Or at least their Mamas have.

The kids only seem to be in charge of Big Smiles and Big Bows so far.

Spoiler Alert #2:  Look at JoJo checking out the new little squirt who arrived this week, like the kid just showed up trying to start a hair bow turf war or something.

bbowBut that’s really jumping ahead in the story.

And now I’ve ruined the surprise when Mini Numero Cinco gets here.  My bad.

Back to the beginning.

As  we settled in for another Dance Moms episode, the Original Recipe Moms were arriving at the ALDCLA mothership, which I took to mean that everyone was going to be allowed back inside the building after last week’s lock-out.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  My MomCrush was hooched up (…before lunch, FYI…) in the same shiny black leather stiletto shoe booties that Nicole Scherzinger wore in one of the Pussycat Dolls music videos.  I forget which one, but I think it was the one where she got really sweaty and kept putting her leg up on one of those Barre Method ballet barres.

Nicole, I mean.  Even tho I can totally see Jill taking a class at Pure Barre just so she can say she takes classes at Pure Barre and then have a guilt-free Starbucks.

(I swear those two businesses are in cahoots to take people’s money, because they’re always on the same block and have the same hours of operation.)

Haters gonna hate, but I love Jill.  Almost enough to justify the restraining order she put out on me last season.  Almost.

And Abby Lee Miller was back.  Finally.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Oddly MIA for two weeks after resigning from her own Life, Abby had decided to return and was basically just phoning in her job for the first 10 minutes of the show as the Moms tried to figure out what her dealio was this week.  Holly even compared it to a military invasion, which was probably a lot closer to reality than she realized.

Side note:  If you’re pressed for time and need to go, this #HollyFace pretty much sums up the remainder of the episode:

hf

Thanks for stopping by, tho.

And the Pyramid of Shame was back, too.  Super-sized.  Now with Minis!

Full disclosure:  It was basically the same Pyramid with a bunch of Mini head shots underneath, but the new kids seemed pretty excited to see themselves on a national television network.  So there’s that, I guess.

And, honestly, I don’t even remember much about the Pyramid except for the part when Abby revealed Nia and Kalani’s faces and decided that Black History Month was a good time to dissect their African Dance Duet.

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Abby said that Kalani was “A little bit more African than Nia…”

Will-Smith-OMG-Expression-On-Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air

…and that it made sense for Nia to do the dance because she was African American.

giphy-1OhNoSheDin’t.

I was all like…
2015 - 1Holly was all like…tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500

And then Holly did this.  And this.  And this.  And this.

Feel free to add your own dialogue.   h h2 h1 h4Study note:  There will be a geography quiz at the end of the episode, so make sure you know where Africa, America and Pittsburgh are…and the difference between the three, you crazy whack job dance studio owner.

I love Holly too much when she’s laying down #HollyLaw.

This week, the gang was headed to another Devotion 2 Dance Competition.

The Minis would be performing a ‘Cavemen Under Cover’ group dance while the Big Girls would be ‘Better Off Now’ with Brynn playing the role of Maddie in their own group number.  Because Maddie was still off doing her movie.  Still.

Tiny Alysa (…with one ‘S’…) scored the only solo this week, which gave her Mom Mary yet another opportunity to let us all know that she had sacrificed soooo much to be here at the ALDCLA.  We get it.

You gave up a lot.  You left your family and kids behind.

Maybe you could tell that story to Evan Frazier who’s sitting at home right now looking for the damn can opener.  Or Erno Vertes, who thought groceries just magically appeared in the refrigerator every week.  Or Greg Gisoni, who’s already lost the garage remote three times and is taking AA batteries out of the smoke detectors instead of going to CVS.

I’m pretty sure everyone’s given up a little sumthin sumthin.  Just saying.

as

And then Jill and Ashlee went at it again.

Same argument.  Different outfits.  Don’t talk smack about my kid.  I’m not talking smack about your kid.  Yes, you are.  No, I’m not.

Jill was all like (…bleep…) you.

jfuAshlee was all like don’t tell me to (…bleep…) you, because I will.  So hard.

afu

Oh, really?

real1Really.

real

You’ve got a fat a**.

Well, you’re old.

GIF-Cat-fight

No lie.

It went on for like 20 minutes and Ashlee still couldn’t get the cap off her water bottle.  You see that?  And what is Melissa always eating?  Because it looks mighty tasty.

Once the dust settled, newbie Mini Kendall finally showed up.  Two hours late, thank you.

Clearly, she was tardy because they stopped to put her birth certificate into the Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine and watch it spit back out as Kendyl, just to mess up my spellcheck and prevent her from being confused with the other Kendall that was already on the payroll.

This show.  I swear.

Too bad her Mom, Lynn (…who managed to hold onto all her consonants in transit…) has never watched it, tho, because she came in through the side door going on and on about how she didn’t want her daughter in a negative, stressful environment and that they were just here to dance at the ALDC.

Ok.  You just keep telling yourself that, honey.

kidThat bow big enough, BTW?

These little Minis are so Ka-Yooot I can’t stand it.

With only 2 days to go, Holly and Jesslaynn took Ashlee out back behind the dumpster for what I initially thought was going to be a beatdown, but turned out to only be a pep talk about being a Team Player.

I guess we’ll see have to wait and see who gets survives and who gets voted off  the Dance Moms Island as the season progresses, right Jess?

jsSide note:  Lynn busted into the studio and interrupted Abby’s rehearsals at least 7 times before she was finally shut down and sent back to the other Moms in tears.  Honestly, even if you’ve never seen the show, I don’t know how many fingers you need to lose before you stop sticking your hand in the monkey cage, lady.

l1And then Melissa wanted in on some of this New Mom Fun.

Learn from Mama Corleone-Gisoni, people.  This is how ‘this’ works.

giphySide note:  Kerri called Melissa the ‘Godfather’ later in the episode when Lynn started making fun of Mackenzie’s pigtails, but I couldn’t wait any longer to use that clip.

Side note Numero Due:  I’m the only one allowed to make fun of the pigtails.

Capiche?

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Side note Numero Tre:  Somebody had a yellow slurpee cup from Which Wich sandwich shops behind them on the viewing steps which caused quite an uproar on Twitter.

IMG_1250I’ve never been to one myself, but everyone was going on and on about how good the food was and now I want to use the residuals (…that Lifetime should have been paying me all these years for pimping out their show…) to open a franchise, even though it looks exactly like a Subway sandwich in a different piece of wax paper.

Power of: Social Media.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

For this guy, anyway.

3872959826_2aed9b9de5_oSrsly.  Where was everybody?

Nobody was outside waiting for the bus to arrive.  No screaming kids with blinged-out iPhones.  No glitter paint poster paper signs.  Nuthin.

Nuthin inside, either.  It was freaky.  Nobody could figure it out.

Lynn was trying to dial down her NewMomSpaz as everyone got ready for the competition in the back room, but it wasn’t working very well.  You could tell it wasn’t going to last very long.  The Calm Before the Storm, as it were.

Alysa’s solo was all cute and stuff, but once you’ve seen Asia Monet Ray get all sassy pants all over a stage…well…Game Over.

The_Flamingo

And besides.  Abby doesn’t do cute.  At least not this week.

Back at the makeup tables after the routine, the whole thing somehow went form worse to worser when Lynn mimicked Mackenzie’s 26 years of pigtails and Glitz Pageant posing.

Like this.mzExcuse me?

mkzThat’s when Melissa threatened to chew Lynn’s face off and when Kerri called her the Dance Moms Godfather.kk

That’s also when Holly tried to intervene but then realized Lynn wasn’t worth the air required to put up a fight and decided to tune her right out for the remainder of the day.

You just keep talking to yourself, woman.

Once the Minis were all ratted up and put into their Pebbles and Bam Bam outfits, Abby noted that only NOW did they finally look like ALDC dancers.  bbam

Because you know how Abby does love herself a good mile-high.

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The Minis finally hit the stage, swinging Cro-Magnon clubs around like I don’t know what until the newest of the new dropped hers on the ground and caused so much prehistoric drama that you would have thought the dinosaurs unthawed.

Brynn did a great job leading the ALDC group routine, giving face all the way to the empty cheap seats in the back.

Really.  Did they even have the date right?  Where is everyone?

When it was all over, both the Minis and the Junior Team (…and, from what I could tell, about 9 other dancers from who knows where…) laid around on the empty stage floor waiting for awards to be handed out.

kl

Unfortunately, Alysa lost a couple more letters in her name as well as the First Place spot.

Second Place would have to do, even though we all know what Abby thinks of that title.

Both the Minis and the Big Girls took home First Place trophies and yet still managed to find something for their Moms to all complain about outside on the way to the cars.

Each other, basically.

Ashlee didn’t get it.  Lynn really didn’t get it.  Jill wanted to give it to Ashlee right between the eyes.  And Melissa knew people who could make it happen, but you didn’t hear it from her, of course.  Let’s keep that in the Dance Moms Family.

And then Abby peaced out…and flaked out…as soon as they were out of the building.

Maybe she’d be back.  Maybe not.  Maybe she’d get rid of all the Minis.  Maybe not.

Brynn could stay for now, tho.

At least we got that much out of Abby before she bolted in the rental.brNo big fight this time.  No real last minute drama.

The whole thing just fizzled out and ended pretty much the same way it started.

Right, Holly?

hf

So, yeah.  I guess we’re done here.

See you next time.

Or not.

oitnb (1)

Dance Moms: Now You See Her…Now You Don’t. The Minis Get Their Moment But Abby Lee Never Saw It Coming.

Friday, January 29th, 2016

acr

 

 

…and I’m already missing 7 acrylic tips. They might be in my bra, but I can’t find that either.

 

 

j

 

 

Yaaaay! Maddie’s back! I better take a selfie so I remember how amazing my hair looked today.

 

 

mini

 

 

With all the ALDC merchandise she’s selling online, I can’t believe nobody can get us 4 sippy cups.

 

 

pey

 

 

 

All I know is that if I acted up like some of these ladies, I’d be in Time Out right now. They’re crazy.

 

jess

 

 

 

They said hold it like this so I look like a Real Housewife, but I can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying.

 

 

chlp

 

 

Honey, Imma need your Mama to back it up a few feet or you’re gonna do your own makeup.

 

 

a

 

 

You’re the lawyer…you tell me. How do I stop that blog kid from posting my bra picture again?

 

 

 

Ok.

No fancy intros this week.  No time.

Let’s just get right down to Dance Moms bidnezz.

If Abby Lee Miller can barely even acknowledge the Pyramid of Shame this episode, then we can certainly skip right to the good stuff, too.

Like, ummm…maybe that backroom behind the new ALDCLA studios perhaps?

What the what?

post-26182-kristin-wiig-disgusted-animate-htu2You see all that?

As the opening credits finished rolling and the Moms and kids started piling into the building for this week’s assignments, Abby was nowhere to be found.

MIA.  Again.  At least in the clean part of the building, anyway.

Turns out she was just out back in her…whatever that place was supposed to be…talking on the phone to some mystery caller, surrounded by bubble wrap, Whole Foods bags, a fort made out of plastic storage bins and one of those little freshman dorm beds that never fit the sheets you used all through high school.

bed

Eeeew.  Part Hoarders: LA and part August Back-2-School Sale at the Container Store, the whole thing was just so…

wait-what…that I wasn’t sure what to think.  It even seemed kinda funny until you started looking closer at the collection of clutter and then it got kinda…

tumblr_mebyvor9kw1rig27xo1_500_largeSeriously.  So.  Much.  Clutter.

I swear the only thing missing was Abby’s bra.

This one, probably.

ab1Because she wasn’t wearing one.  She even said so.

And her hair was in rollers.  And she was crying.  And there was a grade school map of the whole world on the wall, for some reason.

And Abby Lee Miller was not wearing a bra, for those of you who missed it the first time.

No bra.  No support system.  Nothing.  None.  Zip.  Nada.

As Abby finished up with her mystery caller, everyone else was out in the main studio welcoming Maddie back into their ranks.  She was home!  Fresh from her first movie role, Maddie had finally returned to the ALDCLA with Hollywood stories and celebrity gossip, an upcoming Seventeen Magazine photo shoot and what seemed like slightly darker hair.

But maybe that was just me.

Everyone was going nuts.

Especially my MomCrush Jill, who kept flipping her new hair all around like this…

beyonce-hair-flip.jpg…and this…

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…while plotting how to send the Mini Moms into the backroom to deal with Abby.

Freshman Hazing: Dance Moms Style.

After hearing Abby scream, everyone knew she was on the property somewhere, so it was only fitting that the new Moms get tossed into the Lion’s Den to drag out the carcass.

Kerri (…who still insists on pronouncing her daughter Peyton‘s name with that dramatic pause between PAY and TON…) headed into the bowels of the building with a few other Moms in search of their new leader, but squealed right back out as soon as she realized that Abby wasn’t wearing a bra.

kerriWe should probably give her a moment.  She was clearly traumatized.

Melissa and Jill didn’t do much better when they headed in after Abby, either.  It was loud.

Really loud.  Abby literally screamed at them so hard they almost knocked over that Makeup Lady we met last week, who was just trying to take her blood pressure medicine as they raced back to the safety of the front studio.

Needless to say, with all that adrenaline pumping, it was only a matter of mili-seconds before Jill and Brynn‘s Mom Ashlee went at it again.  Just like last week.

Except that this time we only saw the back of Jill’s new hair while she was swearing and taking off out the back door with Melissa.  Nobody had to blur out her mouth like they do on Mob Wives when they accuse each other of being passive-aggressive snitches.

You don’t mess with the (Vertes) Family, yo.  You just don’t.

jj (1)

The screaming was short-lived, tho, because as soon as Jill and Melissa swung the back door open, they hit Sergio and James from Seventeen Magazine in the head (…knocking Sergio’s hat backwards, BTW…) who were both lurking in the alley behind the ALDCLA for some reason.

I didn’t ask.  I’m not a photographer, so I don’t know how the creative process works.

Sergio was very excited to shoot Maddie for the February issue, as was James, who had decided they should come out to the studio two hours early and stand by the gas meters to figure out which other girls should be included in the photo spread.

Side note:  You ever watch Vanderpump Rules on Bravo?  That show where the restaurant staff spends more time in the back alley smoking cigarettes and talking smack about each other than they do actually serving food?  It was like that.

Well, not the smoking part.  Smoking is bad for you, kids.  Just like fighting with Jill is…

Everyone went back inside to choose which two girls would be included in Maddie’s photo shoot.  And it was as awesome as you’d imagine it would be when you pit a bunch of Dance Moms against each other for a spot in a national fashion magazine.

Holly made this #HollyFace and you already knew that Nia was guaranteed a spot.

h

She gets it from her Mama, don’t you know.  Game over.

And You Can Quote Me Dept:  Holly will be the new Oprah somebody.

Ashlee went on and on about how Brynn was a new dancer and model and astronaut and could name all the United States Presidents in both chronological order and alphabetically.

asKerri was still so traumatized by seeing Abby without a bra on that she didn’t even bother trying to pimp out her kid for this gig.  Maybe next time, thanks.

nm2And then it all came down to Nia and Kendall being asked to join Maddie in the magazine.

Congratulations!

Side note:  Look at how cute Brynn is.  What a niblet.  No wonder she models.  It’s like she just saw the Willy Wonka machine that turns rivers into Hershey’s ice cream syrup.

br

Before heading back out into the alley, Sergio and James unveiled the Pyramid, but they did it so fast that I never even saw it.  Did you?

Did anybody?  Not sure what that was all about.  Maybe we’ll find out the results in the Director’s Cut DVD box set later this year.

I think I forgot to mention that Abby eventually found some undergarments and made her way out into the studio.  Because she did.

This week, the group routine was entitled ‘The Elite.’  The new Minis would also be performing for the first time, with a number called ‘The Spotlight Is On Me.’  

And Maddie and Brynn both scored solos.

Spoiler Alert:  Competitive Moms, maybe?

And then Abby put on a QVC Quacker Factory Halloween top with glitter ghosts on it that said something about ‘Boos’ because I don’t know why.

This show.  I swear.  Season 7 or else…

Mmmkay?

giphy

As Melissa, Holly, Jill and their respective kids all headed to the Seventeen Magazine shoot, Jessalynn was left behind with nobody in the bleacher seats to talk to except Ashlee.  So they had to talk to each other.

They discussed being a Team Player.  Not being a Team Player.  Who has issues.  Who doesn’t have issues.

And then Ashlee said Jill was going through menopause.

tumblr_nk6lp22lJU1re3x32o1_500This isn’t gonna end well.

As Jessalynn grabbed her cell phone to spread some juicy gossip, the other Moms were across town at the photo shoot having a blast.

Holly was busting at the seams with excitement and pride for Nia’s success.  Jill was trying to push Kendall out of the makeup chair so she could slide right in and get contoured by a celebrity stylist.

And Melissa was trying to figure out the snacks on the craft services table.

mSrsly.  I love Melissa so much, but I don’t think she knows how to open a Capri Sun.  Is that what that is?  Or are those Gummy Bears?  I didn’t take a very clear screen shot.

Either way.  Hilarious.

Remember when Melissa tried to use an iPad with those enormous French Tips back when they were all trying to find a man for Abby and went on some creepy dating site?

Or when she used to work the front desk at the ALDC in Pittsburgh?

large

I swear she’s gonna poke her own eye out some day if she’s not careful.

When Jill found out that the makeup guy had put lipstick on Victoria Beckham one time, she almost burst whatever that vein is in your neck that’s connected to the part of your brain that does anything logical.

True Fact:  The guy in that picture at the top of this recap isn’t actually doing Kendall’s nails.  He’s putting chloroform on that rag and was 30 seconds away from putting it over Jill’s mouth when security stepped in and made Mrs. Vertes go help Melissa get her juice box open.

I’m not even making that part up either.  I swear.

I love this show.  #NoShame.

Moral Of The Story:  The shoot was awesome.  The girls looked amazing.  And the magazine is out now.  So scoot to CVS tomorrow and pick up a copy or two.

gallery-1452024647-dancemomsFinally it was Showtime!

And time for Abby to go Rogue.

Dat’s rite.  Somewhere between the commercial for Pitch Slapped and those 9 year old Genius Kids who are already way nerdier and smarter than you’ll ever be, Abby Lee Miller disappeared for the rest of the episode.  Again.

Vanished without a trace.  No clues.  No note.  Not even a bra on the backroom floor.

A bra like this one, maybe.

ab1

I think she eventually sent somebody an email that she was resigning.

But I don’t think you can actually resign from your own company or Life, so I don’t think it really counts for much.

Full Disclosure:  Clearly, we may have skipped over a few scenes because I wasted too much time making fun of Melissa’s nails and looking for just the right Justin Bieber hair whip (…like maybe when Jill said that Ashlee’s boob job was so tight that it was squishing brain…which made no sense whatsoever, BTW…) but you get the idea.

You might wanna check out a more reliable blog if you actually want a recap.

But I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how great Gianna is with those little Minis.  From rehearsals to backstage to probably taking them to tinkle when they’re already taped into a sparkly onesie, Gia is the perfect babysitter.

gOr Mom, maybe.  No pressure on her boyfriend if she’s dating anyone, of course.

Maddie’s James Bond Gold Finger solo was great.  Being in her first movie seemed to have stretched out her legs another 6 inches.  Or maybe that was just me, again.

Brynn’s routine was also great.  Plus she got a really nice pep talk from Kalani before she went on stage.  You can tell that Kalani is all about her new Big Sister role now.

Backstage, on the other hand, things didn’t go as smoothly.

Jessalynn and Ashlee and Melissa and Jill went a few more rounds on whose kid was better than whose kid and then Ashlee started throwing out dance terms and asking if Maddie could even do a Scorpion sumthin sumthin after sumthin else.

Totally lost me on that part.

Q.  Remember when the biggest issue on stage for these kids used to be whether they could all keep their hats on for 3 minutes?
partyA.  They usually couldn’t.

(Shout Out to the Original Recipe Minis!)

Jessalynn was not having any of this by the time Ashlee started wailing on JoJo.  Leave her kid out of this mess, please.

Here’s what Jessalynn looked like right before she got all ‘Someone Better Watch My Purse Because Imma ‘Bout To Take Off My Shoes And Hurt Somebody’:jdbThey were all rolling around in the back so much that they almost forgot to get the kids on stage for the group numbers.

The Minis did really well for their first evah ALDCLA dance.  They looked like they had a really fun time and everyone seemed to remember the choreography.

I couldn’t find a good clip of their routine, so here’s me at the club last weekend:

604_The_Spotlight_1When the full-size girls went out on stage after just seeing the Minis in action, the tweeny bop junior team looked like they were about 27 years old.  It was freaky.

But they nailed it.

After all the dust and glitter settled, Brynn took Fourth Place.  Maddie only received enough points for Second Place.  The Minis took home a Second Place trophy and some grape juice that Melissa swiped from the photo shoot when no one was looking.

And the ALDC Big Girls won First Place!!!

ash

And then it was over.

After a few more round of Mom vs. Mom, I mean.

And then it was really over.  I thought.

Until next week, that is, when Gianna said they were all dancing together.  All of ’em.

Big and Little and Mini and anyone else who happens to drop by the ALDC Coral for a hoe down.  You know there’s always parking in the front if you want to swing by and try to get in on the action.

And then Ashlee pulled one last AshleeMove and Melissa stormed off, dragging and clunking her luggage into the door frame like she did in Season One when she tried to carry all those trophies at once.  Remember that?

But it’s really over now.  I swear.

Go buy Seventeen Magazine.

See you next time!

kk1


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