Posts Tagged ‘Maddie Ziegler Movie’

Dance Moms: A Toast To The ALDC! Drink All That Kool-Aid And Fix Those Feet…It’s The Abby Lee Horror Story.

Wednesday, March 9th, 2016

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I know, right? It’s 3 o’clock and they’re still not dressed yet. Being a grownup looks awesome.

 

 

kpt

 

 

It didn’t get creepy until I caught her in my room, braiding her hair and wearing all my new clothes.

 

 

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As long as you’re living in my house and under my roof, these are my rules…and my pajamas.

 

 

fcdtrsulo0fjq7fazmz9

 

 

Hold up, ladies. I thought we were going out drinking. Why is everyone still in their PJs?

 

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This is way better than wearing a bra. Raise your hand if you think every day should be PJ Day!

 

 

hc

 

 

I can’t believe that not one of these heifers could tell me I left the house with curlers in my hair.

 

 

chips

 

 

 

I don’t know what’s in these chips, but they’re making me thirsty. I could sure use some Kool-Aid.

 

 

Thirsty?

Well, here you go.

I made you a special Dance Moms cocktail.

UYD9vfxJust drink it and don’t ask any questions.

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It’s awesome, right?koolkid

Oh, yeah.  That’s the good stuff.

Hold on to your glass, tho, cuz you’re definitely gonna need a few more rounds before we finish up with this recap.  If it ever gets started, that is.

Yup.  It was sloooow going when we first hit the ALDC LA this week.  Really slow.

As in:  The place was deserted.

No Moms.  No Abby.  No nuthin.

Just the ALDC kids, who were not allowed to be on camera without their Moms but were somehow, under California law, still old enough to drive themselves to an abandoned dance studio where they were quickly scooted into a secret room to do their homework.

How does that even work?

There was also my favorite sub-titled producer running around off-camera looking for their Moms as well a Sound Engineer who talked exactly like Crocodile Dundee and this guy in Converse All-Stars who asked that his face be blurred out for some legal reason.

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Oh.  And this guy on his phone.  And that other guy in winter clothes.

coatBecause it’s California.  And it’s 95 degrees out.  And everyone else is wearing shorts.

Except for that one random guy walking around in a winter coat, scarf and beanie, carrying a role of blue duct tape like he was gonna secure someone’s mouth shut and then throw them in the trunk of that white car that had been idling outside the front door since the show started.  What is even happening right now?

No wonder the guy with the glasses was calling the cops.

Kidding.  I don’t really know if it was 95 degrees that day.

So no Moms.  Just kids.  And Ashlee, who arrived with Brynn (…on time, thank you…) and immediately (…allegedly…) began plotting how to use the lack of adult supervision to her benefit.  Hmmmm.  Lemme think now…

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Eventually, Abby emerged from that whacky back room storage room dorm room thingamajig and asked what wassup.

Abby:  What’s happening?

Ashlee:  I just don’t have no clue.

Brynn:

51E0EYT3XPL-1

That kid is a hoot.

Since now there wasn’t not nobody else in the building…

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…Abby had no choice but to start the party with the few and the proud.

Beginning with the solo assignments.

This week, the gang (…hopefully…) would be headed to New York Dance Experience in San Jose, where all the dances were going to be dark and ominous, including 3 solos based on famous deaths.  Like Brynn’s Black Dahlia routine, for example, which kinda sorta freaked her out once Gianna arrived and pulled up some bloody photos from her Instagram feed.

Time to dial down the Cute?  As if.

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As Gia and Brynn got down to rehearsing, the other Moms finally showed up.

In.  Their.  Pajamas.

You heard me.  Pajamas.

And they made this big grand entrance from the parking lot trying to be all like…

giphyAnd…

tumblr_lvz3yupeoi1qg3qx4But it was really more like…yo.  Sup?

pj1Gah.  I love this show.

The Goal:  To show how the Moms were sick and tired of Abby arriving late, eating and slobbing her way around the studio with no apparent sense of urgency or desire or ambition.  Four can play this game, thank you.

The Result:  A prank that may have backfired.  Mom Strike 2.0, as it were.

The whole thing escalated quickly, with my MomCrush Jill, who had all this going on for some reason…

tumblr_ml86y3IEQa1rdzuduo1_400…blaming Ashlee for not giving the ok for the girls to start dancing before they arrived.

She knew they woulda shoulda coulda danced, so she shoulda coulda woulda blah blah blah.  Swear.  Swear.  Bitch.  Pillow Fight.

Worst.  Sleepover.  Ever.

Honestly, it might be time to revisit the name tags suggestion again, because I don’t even know who is in charge of whose kid anymore.  Especially if they’re gonna start bringing back all those Minis they showed in the new preview.

But Ashlee hadn’t been told about the prank in advance, so she didn’t realize that she was the designated babysitter.  So she didn’t do anything.  At all.  Which escalated the whole thing to a whole other level.

Side note:  Holly made this #HollyFace a lot this week.  A lot.

hSometimes it was even done really close up for dramatic effect.

hfAnd look at Jessalynn‘s hair.  She legit just got out of bed.

pj3I heart these Moms too much.

And Melissa, too.  Look at her trying to pass off that DKNY blouse as pajamas.

melNice try.  I saw her wearing the same thing out to dinner last week with a chunky necklace.

Anyway.

Before the sun set, they figured they should probably get to the Pyramid of Shame.

But at warp speed, because this whole pajama party thing had really cut into their productivity today.

Bottom Row:  Kalani, Kendall, Nia and Mackenzie.  Done.

Middle Row:  JoJo and Brynn, which left Maddie on the top.  And she was totally ok with that.  Did you hear her?  Hilarious.

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The second solo of the week would be Maddie’s ‘Lizzie Borden’ chopfest, which got her all excited for some reason.  And the third dance went to Kendall, who would (…allegedly or not…) get thrown overboard as ‘Natalie Wood.’

Side note:  Did I miss the Hair Braid Memo this week?

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Because Brynn had scored a few extra hours of private choreography, Jill was already on edge and immediately assumed that her daughter would get sub-par choreography, costuming, music, lighting, makeup, attention, salary and dental benefits simply because she carried Vertes DNA in her system.

Needless to say, Abby accused her of playing the Victim.  Just like…umm, I dunno…maybe a tall blonde she used to know but wouldn’t refer to by name.

Wait.  What?

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We love that tall lady.  And miss her so much.

Come visit, why don’t you?  There’s always plenty of parking in the front of the building.

And bring your friend there.  I bet she’d love me and my Dance Moms cocktails.

tumblr_mcd55woemI1ql5yr7o1_400Or not, maybe.

This week’s group routine would be equally as dark and ominous as the solos and was going to require the girls perform a cult-themed dance.

A Cult?

tumblr_inline_nyuts4lOfi1t4mrav_500Drink the Kool-Aid, kids.

Let’s Be Real Dept.:  I don’t think this thing is gonna be much of a stretch for anybody.

You know it.  They know it.  And they even said it out loud.

Putting the Cult in ALD…C.

The next day, everyone managed to get themselves dressed like big girls and headed back to the studio for some more bickering.  Holly still had the same #HollyFace, but in nicer clothes.

Mama didn’t fall for that pajama thing yesterday and she wasn’t falling for it today.

Jill and Ashlee went another 17 rounds, but all that really mattered was that Jill took out those freakin’ Pippi Longstocking braids and the she promises to never do that again.

Ever.  And I mean it.

Truth:  That’s not the finger she wants to give me right now, BTW.

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Finally, it was Showtime!

And time to climb down into the bowels of whatever building was hosting this shindig, because somebody forgot to get proper permits for the elevators and it was staircase-only today, people.  Watch your step, please.

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Full disclosure:  There were no sharks in the stairway, but watching the Moms lug all their dance shizzz down 27 flights in heels was almost as treacherous and funny.

Needless to say, Abby Lee Miller doesn’t do stairs, so she sat in the lobby playing Candy Crush for most of the remainder of the episode.  F’real.

Which meant that all those poor Moms had to schlep everything down the stairs and then send their kids back up and down again about 100 times to double check their makeup and moves with Abby throughout the competition.

Like Brynn’s makeup, for instance.  Holy Whoa, Batman.

bdgiphy-1And Maddie’s.

axetumblr_mz5jexLtkR1t0demio1_500And KK, of course.kn1tumblr_noh2foZRLD1r8jjn6o1_500You get the idea.

The girls were ready to go.

But can we talk about all this goodness for a minute?

hqdefaulttumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500Because Rachelle “Sas” Rak was back on the stage, hosting this whole hot mess!

I know you remember Rachelle from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

She was the judge on AUDC who wouldn’t sit still in her chair and kept jumping up on the table, telling all these 9 year old girls to bite the apple and never go on a Six Flags waterslide without pretending you’re the lead in Flashdance.

We LOVE Rachelle.

And remember how Richy Jackson used to always be like ‘Gurl Pleez, Sit Yo’ A** Down.’

Abbys-Ultimate-Dance-Competition-Richy-whatThose were good times.

And now she was back, because NYDE is the competition where you get your critiques LIVE on stage and get to stand next to Rachelle Rak while she shimmys and bites stuff. mrYes, please.

Brynn’s solo was great.  The judges just told her to work on her acting.

I swear Kendall wore the same leotard that Maddie wore last week, but I could be wrong.

Regardless, she did great, but got called out for her acting chops again.  Tell the story!

And Maddie got a hug from Rachelle.  So there was that.

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Backstage before the group routine, it became clear that Mackenzie didn’t know what a Cult was, even though she’s technically been in one since the day she was born.

I guess that’s how they get ya.  Straight outta the womb and into the studio.

And in all honesty, she just wanted something to wash down all those chips.  I love how she is growing up into this pretty young lady but still maintaining that blissful innocence.

You keep that, Boo.  You just keep that.

The group routine was off the chain.  The makeup was on point (…especially Nia Sioux for some reason…) and they nailed the choreography, which is probably why that one judge was all like ‘Whhhhaaaa was that?’ before giving them First Place in the group category.

No lie.  Her little Asia Monet Ray bun almost popped right off her damn head.

jgBrynn and Kendall ended up both taking Second Place in their respective age categories, even though Ashlee was quick to point out that the actual numerical sumthin sumthin whatevah was higher on Brynn’s card.

Gah.  Relax, lady.  Just let them enjoy the moment.

And of course, Maddie took First Place.  Because she’s Maddie.  And she’s back.

And then it was pretty much over for the week, except for a sudden rip in the Time Space Continuum that shot everyone into some odd Alternate Reality where all the Moms got along and liked each other and Ashlee burst into the lobby with Kool-Aid for everyone.

kool-aid-oJust like that.

Because that’s not creepy at all.

And then it was really over, I swear.

A toast to the ALDC!

Drink it up, kids.  Drink it all up.

There’s plenty more where that came from, don’t you worry.

Cheers.st

Dance Moms: The ALDC’s About To Put Some Phunk In Dat Steampunk. It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue Again!

Wednesday, February 17th, 2016

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If you two just stay cute and clean up all this crap, Mama will sit here and do your homework for you.

 

 

ww (2)

 

 

Srsly with this cup in my shot again? Why can’t they pay for a commercial like everyone else?

 

 

jail1

 

 

It’s been awhile since Accounting, but I think whatever you erase just kinda goes away…

 

 

niaguns

 

 

 

Contour all you want, but you ain’t never getting my #HollyArms. They’re a work of art, Baby.

 

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Whoa. I specifically asked for hot sauce in my bag. Beyoncé got hot sauce in her bag, swag. Gurrl…*

 

 

kkg

 

 

I’m going on four weeks with no sleep and a leaky pump. You sure you wanna do this right now?

 

 

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I know that heifer didn’t just call me Lazy, cuz I will rip that car door right off the hinge.

 

 

 

*Before we even begin:

Drumroll, please.giphy-1

If you didn’t get that opening Beyoncé Super Bowl reference, it already means we’re gonna have trouble this week.  Imma need y’all to stay up to date on your pop culture or we can’t be friends anymore.

Also.  This is Queen Bey breaking in new shoes.giphyThis is you.

IMG_1650Any questions?

Good.  Now on to Dance Moms.

So you want Fame?  Again?

Chile, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  But it’s still gonna cost you.

And right here is where you keep paying.  Financially and emotionally this time.

So just have a seat.

And sit like this if you don’t mind…

DebbieAllen-Fame …because (…YAAAAAAAAS, Gawd!…) Debbie Allen is back!

Dat’s rite.  It was Miss Allen to the rescue once again as Abby Lee Miller continued the long, slow process of losing all her mental marbles…one by one…thanks to all the shizz that you keep seeing on the TMZ app.

Melissa and my MomCrush Jill were the first to find Abby this week, hunkered down in that crazy backroom/bedroom/storage room situation, unexplainably surrounded by a bunch of school boys and clutter.

Take Your Neighbor’s Son To Work Day, I guess.

As Abby struggled with what was either the NYTimes crossword puzzle or a page ripped out of one of those Barnes & Noble Sudoku books (…it was hard to tell…) a bunch of random child laborers were busy organizing sequined tube tops and who knows what else into more of those plastic Target bins.  Like when the Backstreet Boys used to have to do odd jobs to pay for their first demo cd.  Except nothing like that, probably.

With her hair up in those invisible, make-believe hot rollers again, Abby was a mess.

aWith an “ongoing incident” involving $170, 000 that (…allegedly…) may or may not have vanished in the Bermuda Triangle, Abby clearly had more important things on her mind than setting up the latest Pyramid of Shame.  Despite Melissa and Jill’s urging, she couldn’t be bothered this week.  Sorry.  Not gonna happen.

She did cry a dramatic single tear, which I have never been able to recreate even tho I attempt it every time something doesn’t go my way.

Wait for it.

tIt’s coming.

t2

There it is!

t2Just like in the soap operas.

cries-in-spanishDespite all of Melissa and Jill’s attempts at coaxing Abby out of the backroom, she wasn’t budging.  Even when the rest of the Moms joined in on the rally…nuthin.

It was like on Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom when that guy used to stick his whole head into a gopher hole and only came back out with a bloody nose.  Some times you just have to cut your losses before you lose any eye.

Side note:  In a moment of hilarity, Jessalynn told Gianna that Abby looked exactly like Gia always does every morning at 7:10am.  I’m just gonna leave that one right here and you can decide if it was meant as point of reference or an insult.  Your call.

Abby’s cup totally matches all the crap in the back, BTW.

a1Since Pyramids aren’t Gia’s thang, we scooted right into assignments for the week.

The ‘Well-Oiled Machine’ group number was going to be a steampunk-themed dance that would include Maddie if she ever decided to show up again.  That movie was certainly taking long enough.  I’m pretty sure the new Star Wars movie wrapped up faster.

Clever Segue Dept.:  This is what R2-D2 would look like if he were steampunk-ed.

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Side note:  The movie 9 was a cute movie if you still need a kinda sorta family-friendly Netflix example of steampunk.  Little kids won’t understand any of the end-of-the-world depressing stuff, but they’ll totally want a couple of these stuffed beanbags with eyes.

And the animation is insane.  Look at these little guys.

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Kalani and Brynn both scored solos.  Since the gang was headed to Arizona for this week’s Sheer Talent Competition (…and Phoenix was Kalani and Brynn’s hometown…) you could already tell where the bulk of the drama would be coming from this week.

Kalani was excited to see her Mom after all this time (…Spoiler Alert:  Kira‘s back!…) while Brynn just started doing this a lot.

bPoor little nugget.  This whole Maddie Stand-In thing is going to give her a stroke.

Which Wich Sighting/Drinking Game Alert:  That yellow cup was back again.

wwLifetime is giving away coupons for FREE Which Wich sammies if you find all 27 times the logo cup showed up in this episode.  Let’s make it a game until the network sues me.

They Said It Would Never Happen Dept.:  You might wanna sit down again, because the Moms all just agreed on something.  I swear.  All of them.  Even Jill and Ashlee, who hate each other.  But not as much as Ashlee hates Kira.  And vice versa.

Every last one of the Moms agreed that the girls would be better off rehearsing at Debbie Allen’s studio if this was how Abby was gonna play it this week.  They were going to go where they were wanted.

So Jill called all the kids into a quick family meeting and told them they were packing up their gear (…subliminal steampunk foreshadowing…) and heading outta Dodge for the week.

JoJo was all for it.

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Kendall looked like she was having a BrynnStroke even though she wasn’t really.

I’m not sure what that was all about.
kk

 Mackenzie is still on the show, FYI.

mzAnd Nia was straight up Whatever.  #OverItThankYou.

overitSide note:  When did our little Sasha Nia get so big?  Look at her.  Boo all growed up, yo.

niaAnd then Brynn did this again.

b1Side note:  Naturally, Holly still had Debbie Allen in her speed dial, so just to be on the safe side I made sure my phone was fully charged.  Because, you know…“DE–“ is pretty close to “DA–“ and I didn’t want to miss Holly’s call if she #ButtDialed me by mistake.

Because I’m pretty sure I’m in her speed dial, too.

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Or not, maybe.

Needless to say, the trip to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy was beyond inspirational.

Miss D was all like ‘Halleloo’ and ‘Discover The Narrative’ and wearing this…

da (1)…and doing this…

da3…and going ‘YAAAAAAAAS!’ like I don’t know what.

da1YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  YAAAAAAAAS!  And…YAAAAAAAAS with a fan!

i_B3_P20i2_SGu9_OSide note:  In all the excitement to get to Debbie Allen’s crib, I may have forgotten to mention all the nasty texts that Kira (…allegedly…) had been sending Ashlee (…who she hates…) because Ashlee (…who hates Kira…) had (…allegedly…) said nasty things about Kira and Kalani (…who nobody hates…) and that had now spiraled so far out of control that Lifetime will probably have to bail on the Which Wich freebies in order to payroll additional security when Kira comes off maternity leave.

**@!#!*#@@!**

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Yeah.  What she said.

And then we came back from a commercial break and I swear they skipped an entire day of filming, because Maddie was already back.  And Kira was back.  And everyone was already in Arizona at Kira’s Adage Dance Studio.

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Exactly.

Even Abby was in Arizona.  Because it’s a dry heat.

And because she wanted to pout and complain and get all up in e’rrybody’s grill without having to actually participate in any of the dance-related activities leading up to the competition.

She did , however, show up in the parking lot with a bag full of tasty lettuce wraps.  After getting her roots done, of course.  But before getting her eyelashes glued on.

#GospelTruth.

You can’t make this show up.  You just can’t.
eat2Did you see her eating?  She kind of chews like a bunny.

MjdPanhSomething about her cheeks, I think.eatNobody could believe she flew all the way to Arizona to eat lettuce wraps.  Which must be pretty tasty if you’re gonna fly all the way to Arizona just to eat lettuce wraps, right?  I don’t even like putting my pants back on to go across the street for a slice of pepperoni.

So you go, Arizona.  You and your tasty lettuce wraps just go.

I’m not even going to address the part where Abby called Debbie Allen lazy.

Side note:  Jess’s faces are starting to give me Life.  What the what did she just say?

jjss

Q.  Anyone else notice all the stuff going on in Kira’s studio?  All the photos and writing and chalkboard artwork everywhere you looked?  Someone even drew a Cat-In-The-Hat hat on the blackboard for some reason.  Except it was purple.

kgYou could tell Holly was getting some baaaaad SchoolDaze flashbacks.

hAnd everything was labeled with hot pink paper from Staples.

Every.  Thing.

Even the water in a vending machine that was clearly designed for dispensing beverages made out of water was labeled ‘water.’

That’s just crazy.  Who does that?

AQToh-1450285111-575-blog-batmanlabels

Besides Batman, I mean.

Finally it was Showtime!

And time for Kira to show up a few minutes late because she was out back pumping gas at the Exxon station and the credit card machine wouldn’t accept her new card.

Because that’s totally what she was talking about, right?

Otherwise, she came into that backroom sharing way too much information for me that close to my bedtime.

Oh.  And Ashlee called out Kira for her 3 Baby Daddies and criminal record.

427I know, right?  El Morte.

Which doesn’t even make any sense but it’s the only Spanish I know.

Jill was like Pleeeez…

satan

…but Ashlee was trying to be all like…

tumblr_nwb9htabMV1ujoffjo1_500..and then it was nothing but screaming and yelling about boob jobs and credit fraud and who hated who the most while Abby just sat there reading the Sheer Talent program book wondering what was taking the damn waiter so long to come over to her table.

menuQ.  Srsly.  Did she even know where she was this week?

Kira swore some more, called Ashlee pathetical (…which, BTW…turns out to be a real word after all…) and then went tearing out of her own studio before the show even started.

No wonder she’s always in the back pumping gas.

That’s a lot of miles on the car if you’re gonna keep driving back and forth between your house and your business every time somebody pushes your buttons.

It all makes sense now.

Side note:  Baby Jett got cuter this week.  What a niblet.  Go creep her Facebook.

And then…finally…it was really Showtime!

And Daycare time, apparently, because the first two rows of the auditorium were filled with kids holding Care Bears and not paying attention to anything that was going on around them.  You can get plenty of gas when you need it, but I guess babysitters are in short supply in AZ this time of year.

Kalani nailed her solo.  Nailed.  It.kh

Brynn did great, too.  But she seemed a little…little…after seeing Kalani’s long legs.

Look at her with all those Little House On The Prairie braids going on.  Can’t you just see her screaming for Pa when the horses get loose?  I love Brynn.  So cute.

b.2tiff

I think I forgot the part where Kira supplied all the steampunk costumes for the group routine since Abby had emotionally checked-out for the week.  My bad.

They looked great (…and the gear-centric stencil makeup was amazeballs…) but the girls were all wearing different styles of shorts, which Abby noticed when she finally took her head out of the Chéz Adage menu.

sp

Luckily, she miraculously had a steampunk steamer trunk full of ziplock bags stuffed with matching booty shorts in the perfect burgundy accent color.  Really.  I swear.

A Bag O’ Shorts.  Outta nowhere.

Rewind the DVR.  If I’m lying, I’m dying.  And I thought I was the only one who liked to keep my booty shorts as water-tight as farmers market veggies.

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Don’t ask.

Holly couldn’t believe that everyone was worrying about costumes 30 seconds before the music started when they could have been figuring it all out three days ago before Abby melted down.  Good job this week, Ms. Miller.  Good job..

Then there was some more screaming.

And another one of those chaotic Girl Talk commercials where JoJo told me how to pack a dance bag for a sleepover and sit in my splits while I’m watching TV.

Ok.

As if.

ar

That’s the face I make when someone tells me to sit in a split.  Ashlee just stole it.

The Awards:  Kalani took First Place.  But Brynn didn’t place.  And there was clearly a third Kendall solo sumthin sumthin that ended up on the editing room floor, because KK was running all around the stage wearing a sash and beauty pageant crown that was way too small to be her mother’s.

Full Disclosure:  Haters gonna hate, but I heart the Vertes family.  Check out Mama in this lil numbah.  You know she knows she looks gooooood.

jcs

And the ALDC group routine snatched First Place!  And they deserved it.

It was tough.  Sharp.  Aggressive.  With a funky grinding gear sound that made it extra steampunkish, which is just as much a word as pathetical, thank you very much.

tumblr_o2o3fiXlaP1tb8iyko1_500And then it was over.

Abby was just as vague about next week as she was last week about this week.  And made about as much sense as that sentence just did.

Maddie was back for good.  Which meant that Brynn was on probation now.  Which meant that Ashlee was on probation.  Which meant that next week was almost certainly guaranteed some more Mama Drama fo’ sho’.

Q.  Didn’t this show used to have Minis?  Wait a minute…

Never mind.  It’s late.

For now, it’s time for all us steampunks to go home.

See you next time.

Buh bye.

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Dance Moms: When Abby Goes Rogue Again, It’s Debbie Allen To The Rescue. Hurray For Bollywood…And Africa.

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2016

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Don’t you cry, niblet. At least you’re not wearing any pigtails. Trust me…it’s been a looong 5 years.

 

 

da

 

 

Baby, look at me. When I’m done with you, that sore back is gonna remember remember my name.

 

 

nia

 

 

So I went online to check out all my haters’ viral music videos and…wait…there are none. Hashtag: OhSnap

 

 

ac

 

 

Aww Hell Nah. I specifically said no bathroom security jobs that involved clowns. I’m done.

 

 

h2

 

 

You trash my hair on social media and I’ll be at your house tonight unplugging the damn internet.

 

 

da3

 

 

If these babies can teach me how to take a selfie, I don’t care if they live in the backroom.

 

 

mkz

 

 

 

I’ll totally help all these little squirts if they wanna pay me in snacks. It’s still all about the chips.

 

 

 

You.

Yeah.  I’m talking to You.

You’ve got Big Dreams.  You want Fame.

Well, Fame costs.  And right here is where you start paying.

In Sweat.

debbie-allen-as-lydia-grant-in-FAME

And you can quote me on that.  Or maybe that lady right there, if you’d prefer.

Because Debbie Allen has arrived, y’all.

The Queen is in the building.  And that is awesome.  And amazing.  And inspiring.

And it’s totally jumping about four commercial breaks ahead in the recap and referencing the wrong television show all at the same time.  But it doesn’t even matter.

Because it’s Debbie Allen.

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And now that I’ve ruined the surprise, let’s start at the beginning.

Dance Moms kicked off this week’s episode already slightly discombobulated (…and completely right back where they started their whole Hollywood journey…) on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio, which was apparently once again serving as rehearsal space for the ALDC.

After resigning from her own Life (…which still makes about as much sense to me as I dunno what…) Abby Lee Miller had apparently locked the Moms out of the new ALDCLA studio and gone into reclusive hoarding/hiding inside the bowels of that freaky back storeroom, forcing everyone else to find temporary housing.

3rd Street Dance to the rescue.

Thankfully, this studio seems to have way more Salsa posters and Zumba signage than they do actual running classes, because the place always seems to be empty and available at a minute’s notice.  Or maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, the team scored a home for now.

Side note:  I’m totally ok with Lifetime using that ‘Previously On Dance Moms’ clip of my MomCrush Jill flipping out on Abby every week for the rest of the season if they’d like, because it’s been on every episode since it happened and I’ve enjoyed it immensely.j-1

True.  It’s probably not as epic as throwing a shoe while wearing Dollar Store western headgear, but sometimes even the best peak too early.  It just happens.

So, anyway. Abby was MIA.  Again.

Just like Maddie, who was not only starring in whatever movie keeps taking her away from the studio every other week, but also apparently writing it, directing it and editing all the sci-fi laser beam computer animation, because it’s certainly taking her a long time to wrap this thing up.  Let’s go, people.  Time is Money.

And now Nia was MIA, too.  Or so they thought.

Turns out she was just back a block or two on her Sidekick, voicing her concerns to the Social Media Director at NiaSioux Enterprises, LLC regarding some not-so-cool replies from internet haters to a post she had put online about how to do a spin or something.

One:  Really?

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Two:  Remember when kids used to play outside?  Is that not a thing anymore?

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Three:  Really?

h4Don’t even get me started.  I don’t understand social media sometimes.

Or toe spins.

Since Abby was…you know…Gianna was in charge this week.  And our girl doesn’t do Pyramids.  So moving right along.  Is this gonna be a 30 minute show or what?

This week, the gang was headed to Fierce Dance Competition.

But NO Solos.  Only Duets.  Three of them.

Nia and Kalani scored an African Dance number, which was going to be choreographed by Travis Payne‘s assistant Aisha Francis.  Turns out that neither Pyramids OR African Dance are Gia’s thang.  Being the best babysitter EVAH to the Minis still is, tho.

Spoiler Alert:  If this African routine turns out to be even half as #OnFleek as Aisha’s eyebrows, I ain’t too worried, because…Gurrrrl, that face is Beat.

Which is a good thing, FYI…at least according to the kids who are currently hating on my blog instead of being outside getting fresh air.

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Newbies Peyton (…Pay-Ton’…) and Alexus (…‘Alexis’ without the ‘I’…) were given the first Mini Duet Flashback of the season:  A reinvented interpretation of Chloe and Asia‘s classic ‘Don’t Be Afraid Of The Dark’ routine.

This one.

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My_dollHow much did we love Chloe and Asia Monet Ray?  And Christi.

And how about Asia’s Mom Kristie Ray?  How much did we love her?  Especially when she lost her nutty and did this thing up in the MomPerch…

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1…which is easily the best Dance Moms Gif ever in the history of Dance Moms Gifs…

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500…except for that one right there, of course.  What the What?

I really can’t look at both of them together for very long or my head will explode.

The final ‘Odd Couple’ duet went to Kendall and Brynn, which was done basically to allow their Moms the opportunity to pig pile on top of each other for the remainder of the episode.  No love lost there, folks.

Brynn’s Mom Ashlee immediately asked which part was harder.  #OhNoSheDint.

Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1Yes, she did.  And Jill didn’t like it much.  Which explains why she made a #JillFace that looked exactly like a #HollyFace and then I didn’t know what was happening.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Truth:  I could literally tell the rest of this week’s episode with just these two Gifs.

And don’t think I won’t try.

Side note:  Just so nobody says I’m not giving equal time, here is one of my all-time favorite Christi moments.  I don’t know why it is, but it is.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_n5xw6vNZ9O1ts65cuo1_500And then it was time for Nakul Dev Mahajan to arrive.

Oh, hey.

nk1And, heeeey.

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Straight outta So You Think You Can Dance, the Bollywood King was flashing hand jives and ancient finger dings from the moment he walked through the door.  Brought in to choreograph the elaborate Big & Little group number, Nakul was da bomb.  Nobody knows this Bollywood shizz better than this guy.  Trust me.

Now let’s just hope he can teach Minis how to pinky finger the Lotus.

pAs the full-size and pint-size girls all tried to work together without poking their own eyes out, the Moms headed into the back hallway to chew on each other’s necks for a few minutes.

Peyton was having trouble picking up the choreography, which meant that her Mom Kerri was already starting to unravel.  Ashlee was already psychically predicting that Kendall would not be able to act out the character in her dance.  Melissa was getting that twitch she gets when Abby’s not around.

And the rest of the Moms all sat around in what I swear was swirling asbestos dust.

Srsly.  Please tell me you saw all that fuzz floating in the air.

3Wi0XUKI know it’s an old building, but…gah.

Luckily, Holly, Nia and Kalani didn’t have to inhale it for very long, because they were off to Debbie Allen’s Dance Academy for a freebie.

YAAAAAAAAS, Queen!

Debbie Allen had offered up her studio for an African Dance class, which Holly somehow found out about by chatting up Aisha on her cellphone the night before.  Because apparently ‘Aisha’ comes right before ‘Aubrey’ in Holly’s speed-dial.  I don’t even ask anymore.  That phone’s memory card must be massive.

When you get to the ‘Ds’ and wanna go to lunch, call me.

I love Debbie Allen.  She’s strong.  Inspirational.  And every word that comes out of her mouth could go on a t-shirt or one of those expensive Hallmark cards that require additional postage because they’re so heavy.

Debbie walked into that studio and everyone was all like…YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_n84i1fYDY41rnss34Plus, she was wearing a beret.  Slightly askew.  So you knew she meant bidnezz.

When Debbie Allen speaks,  the room falls silent.  Holly, Nia and Kalani were captivated as The Queen discussed being a Performer vs. being an Artist.

She said “I would wish Artistry on both of you.”  YAAAAAAAAS!

tumblr_inline_nvgu4iNvc51satrrh_500And it just kept going.  All to a crazy drum beat.

Not gonna lie.  By the time they finished rehearsals and Debbie told them to “Never be afraid to try.  Success is a Journey.  It is always in the making.” I was like…tumblr_inline_nox6iqYyyd1qdbwps_500Call me a cab.  I’m done.

Side note:  When Debbie Allen was on the TV show Fame, she wore loose fitting Flashdance-looking tops and posed like this a lot with Billy Hufsey

fame season 3 debbie allen, billy hufsey, gene anthony ray

…who, years later, somehow ended up being Asia Monet Ray’s agent for a short time…

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…after she danced on Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition

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…which has nothing really to do with Debbie Allen training Nia and Kalani, but could totally come in handy on Trivia Night if you want to write it down somewhere.

I know, right?  Mind.  Blown.Tumblr_mrlgnaiLuP1qejlczo1_500-1

The following day(…only 24 hours before competition…) the Moms were all together again, doing that excited/jealous thing they do when one girl does something cool and the others don’t.  Everyone was happy for Nia and Kalani’s Debbie Allen Experience, but Melissa planned on having her children dance where their jackets say they dance.

Which…ok.  I love Melissa, but she didn’t say much this week.

She made this face a few times, tho.  Not sure why.

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Since the Minis were still struggling with the Bollywood choreography, Nakul had asked them all to rehearse at home together.  Which they didn’t do, because Tiffanie and Mary decided to take their kids to some secret bunker somewhere and now Kerri was starting to unravel faster.

It was getting whackier by the minute, I swear.

You just know that if Debbie Allen’s sister Phylicia Rashad had been there, she would have been looking at those Moms all like..

3.-Phylicia-Rashad-The-Cosby-Show

Finally, it was Showtime!

And time for Kerri to completely lose her marbles.  Just because Holly asked the Mini Moms how their late night rehearsals had been going.

Well, that started it, anyway.

I guess Kerri had threatened to call the po-po on Tiffanie for some reason.  Tiffanie then said that Peyton was huddled up in a corner somewhere in the fetal position last night screaming for her mother.

Which Kerri didn’t handle very well.  Since, according to her version of the story, her child was sitting on her own bleepity bleepin’ lap the whole time, you stupid bleep. kerBoom.  #MicDropFace.

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Production note:  Right around here they either edited out 27 minutes of footage, or Tiffanie is the Fastest CryBaby Evah, because she started bawling her eyes out before Kerri even lost that Kardashian pucker.

cryI know, Holly.

tumblr_nnwi1dEwiN1tb8iyko1_500Same.

Peyton came out in her Monster Doll makeup and looked waaaay crazy pants.  Kudos to whoever painted that mug.

But she still messed up a practice move with Gia and then Kerri melted down.

dollDance Moms “I’m Done” Contract Clause:  As previously discussed, every Mom is required to say it at least once per season.  And this week was Kerri’s time.  Big Time.

She snatched her phone and her kid (…in that order, BTW…) and plowed through the open doors and then straight into the closed elevator door.  You see that?

Not sure why she didn’t push the button like the sign says.

It was chaos.  Security guys everywhere.  Kerri was swinging her shoes around like she was at some Designer Sample Sale and needed to get traction on the marble floor before all her sizes were gone.  There was some nameless producer guy begging Kerri to stay on the show (…via Honey Boo Boo subtitles…) and even one guy in front of the ladies’ room who jumped out of his skin when he saw a 3 foot tall clown running towards him with a skeleton face and a barefoot Mom looking like Alice Cooper.

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But it was Mackenzie who saved the day.

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It’s not easy being 6 years old.  Nobody knows dat better than MackZ, yo.

Been there.  Done that.  So she took the little scary clown under her wings and told her everything was gonna be alright.  And that she knows her Mom is a loose cannon.  And that everything about the ALDC is clearly straight off the hook.

But if you stick it out long enough, you get chips at some point.

bad-makeup-GIFFull disclosure:  I didn’t know where else to put the animation of that little girl in her crazy makeup.  It kinda goes with the story and yet makes no sense whatsoever.  It has nothing to do with the show and yet pretty much sums up the entire episode in one graphic.  So there you go.

And now we wasted so much time on all this that there’s no room for the actual competition.  Check out Nia’s makeup, tho.

nkkThe Mini duet ended up being amazing.  For such little wieners, they both did great.  They remembered the choreography and got the job done.

Nia and Kalani’s routine was insane.  Nailed it.  To a crazy drum beat.

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Side note:  There was also a 20 minute break in programming so we could watch all the ALDC girls get tanked up on sugar and show us how to do a proper Instagram selfie.  It gave me anxiety it was so hyper.  Sleepover Commercials 2.0…

Brynn and Kendall’s duet was not as equally well received, since Ashlee immediately went in for the kill again as soon as it was over.  It was the same conversation as last week, just in different outfits.

And then they all went Bollywood, baby.

nk3Fast forward:  And then it was over.

No time for results this week.  I know you Google that stuff anyway.

Kerri vowed to chillax.  Or at least try.  Ashlee vowed to push every single last one of Jill’s buttons until something bad happens.  Which it will.

Melissa vowed to remain at the studio that’s on the embroidery.  Holly vowed to keep finding new and improved opportunities for her daughter.

Nia vowed to not let those social media haters get her down.

Because, you know…#Motivators.

And that’s it until next time.  Get outta here.

Buh bye, now.

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