Posts Tagged ‘Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni’

Dance Moms: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are All Back For One Last Chance To Say Hello And Goodbye.

Wednesday, May 11th, 2016




Does that fool even watch the show before he writes his blog? None of this makes any sense.





You try finding a sitter in LA. They’re all at the beach or waiting tables until they get a call back.







Dunno if it’s all this screaming or my new glasses, but something’s about to give me a stroke.






My old gig shaving beards off burly lumberjacks don’t seem so scary now, does it? Girl, pleez.






I know if they put this graphic over my new dress one more time, Imma need to see that little man in the headset asap.





Not quite so tight, honey. Mama’s still not wearing a bra.






And Goodbye.

Now sit yo’self down and stay there, please.  Because it’s time.

Time for big hair and even bigger drama as all your favorite Dance Moms put on their fancy clothes and head back down into that mysterious underground bunker for another Reunion Special.

Season 6 is half in the bag.  Let’s see how it’s gone so far, shall we?

Once Abby Lee Miller shows up, I mean.

Dat’s rite.  Tardy for the Party.  Again.

Abby was just pulling into the parking lot as the Moms all finished up hair and makeup and got situated in their plush new seating arrangement.  Because it wouldn’t be a Dance Moms Reunion if it didn’t start in complete chaos, right?

Look at Holly sitting on the set waiting for Abby.


Don’t even get a school principal started on Punctuality.

And while we’re on the subject:  How about that shiny new set?

Everything got another Beyoncé Upgrade, yo.

upgrade-4 552395928c858226178e1ad0bd06b563Including the audience, who clearly had gone thru some kind of sped-up soap opera growth spurt since the last Reunion Special and now looked less like a bunch of kids waiting to get slimed at the Nickelodeon Awards and more like a J. Crew casting call for the Fall 2016 catalog.  I can’t be the only one who noticed that.

They even had a stricter dress code than the Moms:  Shades of Blue and Green or you don’t get a wristband.  No exceptions.

Except for this one lady with the pink top, who gets a Pass because I’m pretty sure it’s Oprah in disguise.  Look at the lady behind her thinking this means she’s getting all those Christmas presents for free.

oprahEven the host got tweaked.


My boy Jeff Collins was MIA, replaced by Jai Rodriquez and his OhNoSheDin’t eyeballs and jaw drop, which he put to good use throughout the entire hour.


You remember Jai.

Up until now, he’s probably best known for cleaning up all kinds of hot messes on Bravo’s Queer Eye For The Straight Guy.  Even though he was the show’s ‘Culture Vulture,’ I swear he was the one who taught us how to use Crest Whitestrips every week.

But that was back in the day.  Now Jai’s probably best known for taking the hosting gig that should have been mine.  Not complaining.  Just throwing it out there.

Side note:  I actually got some DMs asking me if Jeff was okay, since the whole world knows how tight we are…but honestly, he hasn’t spoken to me since I made fun of his GIANT pocket square a few Reunions ago.  Remember that?

It’s been like 3 years, dude.  Let it go.

And check out these two ladies.  They can’t believe that one chick totally disregarded the dress code memo and wore red anyway.


I mean, look at her.  Straight up disrespectful.redAnyway.

Abby was late.  And she forgot her bra.

And did this on national television.

bra2Bonus:  Here’s the Professor from Gilligan’s Island also holding his coconuts in anguish.professor-coconutI’m pretty certain this is the bra Abby that was looking for…

ab1Remember that time?  That was the time when I promised to never use that photo again, so I probably should have used this one instead…

…from that time when Abby had tan lines and was on whatever show that was where two loud ladies figure out your real cup size and then announce your measurements like they’re winning Lotto numbers.

Check out how fast the red car is going so they don’t have to see anything wobbling.

braRed Audi TT that crashed into a house in Suffolk

So, yeah.

Forty minutes into taping and Abby still had not found her seat next to Jai, so my other behind-the-scenes boy decided to just throw it to the first dance of the evening before Lifetime stuck another Little Women repeat in his time slot.


Srsly.  Look at the vein in his head and the show hasn’t even started yet.

bsEventually, Abby managed to find her way out onto the stage.  I forget how long it took.

Notice how Melissa got the NeNe Seat next to Jai?  I see what you did there, Lifetime.


Q.  Why is Jai so far away from everyone?  There’s not even anything on that little table.

jaAnd I thought I was the only one Abby had slapped with a 20′ restraining order.

The first round of discussions focused on how Melissa had announced the Zieglers’ departure from the show, so you know there was a lot of legal MyLawyerSaid blah blah blah flying everywhere.  Abby still couldn’t let that one go and for some reason felt that the announcement should have been made at a CNN press conference.

Because she totally said that.

Like somehow Maddie and Mackenzie leaving Dance Moms was akin to Cuba finally letting in the Kardashians.

You.  Sit down.  Nia‘s still on the show.  Relax.

trump-dismissive-gifJai:  Jill…what does Maddie leaving mean for Kendall?

MomCrush Jill:  I dunno.

jvSide note:  I expected Jill’s hair to be much larger this week.

Abby cut in and announced that Kendall would be re-recording some of her old songs as well as coming out with a new song and eventually an album.  Not sure if that was a show of support or a clever way to distract poor KK from getting more solos in Season 6.5.

Look at Abby calling everyone losers but doing it with the wrong hand.

loserThe question made for a smooth segue into the whole Brynn vs. Old Maddie vs. New Maddie saga, causing Jill and Ashlee to get so stirred up that they went another couple of rounds on who called whose kid stupid, pretty much reenacting the last 18 weeks of confrontations in much nicer clothes.

ashIt got heated.

Lawsy.  And my Daddy won’t be home for hours.

Look at Jay fanning himself like some southern belle.giphy-1fantumblr_o4z2k4NGG01tb8iyko1_500And then the Mini Me Moms showed up!

Tiffany and Kerri.

tkSari and her fingernails.sAnd Yolanda, who I think left as soon as Jai introduced her, because I don’t remember her talking at all during their segment.


Oh.  Never mind.  There she is.

My bad.  Still there.

syoSide note:  Anyone else watch Mob Wives?  I loved that show.

Tell me the two of them don’t look exactly like Renee and Carla right before they used to throw down in Staten Island.

Renee and Carla:

FullSizeRender (20)Sari and Yolanda:

syoThat’s not a bad thing.  I love all four of those ladies.  But you know I nailed it.

Game Time:  Mob Wives or Dance Moms?

Get it right and you could win one of Nia’s over-stuffed dance bags.  You see all the crap she can fit in there?  Who needs that many thera-bands in their life?
Screen-Shot-2012-12-17-at-6.29.37-PMKidding.  There’s no prize.

Sari felt that the touching dance Areana had done in honor of her brother last week had been downplayed, which opened up that whole can of worms again.  Between what Melissa said and didn’t say and what was edited and not edited…you know I’m still not touching that one.

Not even with that 10 microphone pole that Abby keeps shutting in the office door frame.

Not gonna do it.

Especially when it’s just about to get real good.


Jai-by Baby asked Abby what her biggest concern was now that she was in the middle of all this legal dramzzzz.  You know.  The federal investigation into missing money and stuff.

Yeah.  He went there.

Abby was all like…

tumblr_m8cpkvsEZC1qlvwnco1_400…and then responded that her biggest concern was that ‘they’ told Jai to say it and he said it.  Abby don’t play when it comes to TMZ.

And what about when Abby was missing in action for so many competitions?

What sup wid dat?  Anyone?  Jessalynn?


My Three Favorite Things:




hf4And Jessalynn stirring up s***.

tumblr_o43knwSvll1tb8iyko1_500Like right at this point when she blurted out that one of Abby’s biggest meltdowns this season was caused by finding out “that little girl Chloe” had just gotten a movie role.

Wait.  What?

Did she just say–?

Yeah.  That Chloe.  giphytumblr_n5hcm3Cd9y1qlvwnco1_500We love Chloe!  And it’s true.  She’s gonna be in a movie.  So proud!

Side note:  Remember when Chloe’s Mom sent me that photo of Holly reading a book and eating an apple next to a dumpster?  It was so random that it was probably the most awesome thing anyone has ever given me that wasn’t clothes.

Jessalynn got all like…

tumblr_mfwu2uFZoZ1qfkgtwo1_500And then Abby got all like…

cc2And then Jessalynn got all like “But I Can” and then touched her hair.

Q.  Was it just me or did JoJo‘s Mom touch her head a lot this week?jh46359486545315238671539361387_XPS4tzRAYc8NhHbHmp765SUSBVq2fsFWVLtLV6W8zfHzNkAc374j4wmDTk15Ya5-PbDB7wNWIn0pxrAkPPl5uPzxC942Qdsfo-luQok0z0PM6uP_jzR6BDH2M4LkoT2u9HhoFQKPjhtumblr_n2rky5nJZ21qk08n1o1_500jh2Maybe it was just me.

Luckily, the Voice of Reason took over as Holly defused the situation by discussing how she had taken matters into her own hands and gotten the girls some #DebbieFace time with Debbie Allen.

Look at how #KrazyHappy Holly looks right there.  I forget why.

h2Disclaimer:  I’m gonna pretend that Jai didn’t ask Holly how she felt now that Nia was one of the last remaining original ALDC dancers, because…duh…she’s the ONLY remaining original ALDC dancer left and…ummm…


Unfortunately, that Moment of Clarity (…still available online, FYI…) was just the calm before the storm, because all of the sudden the whole crew was back on that whole #BabySitGate scandal again.

Did she or didn’t she?

Did Kira really pawn Kalani off on Melissa for 3 months so she could take her newborn baby to the park in peace?  Did Melissa feel used?  Who was Kira really aiming for when she threw that water bottle?  Did Melissa really not sleep for 7 days worrying about Kalani’s sore back?  Does Melissa even know that if someone has a broken back they’d probably be paralyzed right now and not doing African dance with Nia?

And isn’t it racist to make all the people with glasses sit in the same section?


Or at least hilarious?  How does that even happen?

Who knows.  And who cares.

All that really matters is that we got to hear Jess tell Kira that she she’s not actually the most brightest person in the room one more time.

Oh.  And we got to see this guy in the green button down hating his life right now.hate

True Fact:  At every Reunion there’s at least one guy who gets tricked into showing up cuz they tell him it’s a sports bar.  I love this show.

And then it was down to the last 6 minutes of Melissa’s time on Dance Moms.


Which meant that we got one last montage of tears and giggles and Kristie Ray and Melissa flashing the other set of Ziegler girls to an unsuspecting Mardi Gras float.

And Kelly and Christi, too!  We miss them so much!

If you’re keeping score, we even got to see half of Rachelle Rak‘s face while Melissa ugly cried at the microphone again.

Half?  Really?  You’ll be hearing from our sassy lawyers soon.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that the Ghost of Season One Abby showed up for a brief second in the Green Room.  Because it did.  And if I’m lying, I’m dying.

s1aAnd then it got pretty emotional.

Abby broke down a little and talked about the passing of her Mom and Broadway Baby when asked how she felt about the changes in her life.

Even Ashlee teared up as everyone started saying their goodbyes to Melissa.  Shout out to Brynn’s Mom for showing some love for Mackenzie.

ashHolly cried.


I may or may not have even had to dramatically blot for a second.

crying-gif-glee-i11Until the booze got served, that is.

Cuz that always turns them Dance Mom frowns upside down.

Everyone grabbed a champagne glass and toasted to Melissa and Sisterhood one last time as they hugged it out.  This was it.

The last time they would all be getting Ziegler wid it.

Who knows what the future holds for the Z-Team.  Only time will tell.

But I’ll miss you kids.  And you too, Melissa.

Almost as much as you’re gonna miss me, right?

mfAnd scene.


Dance Moms: When The Music Stops, It’s All Over. Maddie And Mackenzie’s Final Moments With The ALDC.

Wednesday, May 4th, 2016




Well you know this s***’s all going on eBay tonight. I don’t need your Lifetime checks, Boo.







Buh Bye.







I’m just saying I got my phone on me 24/7 and not one of you could call for my damn hat size?






You can all have jackets if you don’t mind Paige, Brooke and Chloe being embroidered on them. It’s all I got.






Would’ve been nice if someone told me you were all like 2 feet tall before I paid good money for this dress. I can’t breath.







Buh Bye.







Girl…I know I didn’t spend 3 hours in a salon chair just to wear a Joan Collins hat all afternoon.




And just like that.

The end of an era.


After 6 seasons of twists, turns, tears and orthodontics (…remember when you couldn’t be on the ALDC team unless you had braces?…) it was finally time to say goodbye to Maddie and Mackenzie this week as Dance Moms sent La Famiglia Ziegler off into the Hollywood sunset in search of bigger and better opportunities.

Their time at the Abby Lee Dance Company was coming to an end.

Or at least the TV Show part.

And the Elite Competition part.

But beyond that, everyone was a little fuzzy on whether MackZ would be retaining her copyrighted Hip Hop persona and still dropping it like it’s hot back in Pittsburgh while Maddie was off padding her resume with more acting gigs and SiaStuff.

I guess only time will tell.

Regardless, they were moving on.  Saying goodbye to Hollywood, as it were.

Had it really been 6 years already?  What happened to these little squirts?

fe95cea0-ac0a-0132-454e-0ebc4eccb42fIt seems like only yesterday.

Especially since I blew off last week and didn’t do a recap, right?

I know.

tumblr_o5iyk8GrX41tb8iyko1_500How many times you want me to say it?

Side note:  I got more #HateTweets for missing a recap than I get when I actually write a recap.  Make up your mind, people.

I don’t think I understand how the internet works anymore.

After a week that saw the return of a whole bunch of ALDC Minis, followed by the exit of at least one ALDC Mini (…I believe that brings the count back down to 4 again…) it was finally time to bid the Zieglers adieu.

Full disclosure:  I have absolutely no idea how many of these hyper Minis are actually in the building at any given time now, because some weeks we seem to go from none to 100 in the span of just one commercial break.

And don’t they say that for every one Mini you can see, there’s at least 10 you can’t see?

Maybe that’s field mice.  Or squirrels in the attic.  I forget.

aeBut they’re so stinking cute it doesn’t even matter.  Look at that li’l nugget.

This was going to be a busy week for everyone at the ALDC.  And hectic.  And more than likely, emotionally awkward as everyone dealt with the Ziegler exit in their own way.

Like Abby, for instance, who chose ‘denial’ as an option, resulting in Melissa making this face a whole bunch o’ times during the Pyramid of Shame.



It was like Abby wasn’t even going to address the fact that two of her top dancers were checking out at the end of the week.  What do you think of that, Melissa?

mThis week was also Head Shot Week for the new Minis, which kinda sorta implied that maybe the tiny tots would be receiving permanent team status.

Or not.

Regardless, given Abby’s track record for multi-tasking, the general consensus was that a photo shoot could potentially take some attention away from the Elite team and the Ziegler’s last week with the ALDC.  What do you think of that, Melissa?

mWith so much activity this week, we’ll skip the Pyramid to save some time.

Just know that Maddie was on top because she came in Fourth Place and Brynn was on the Bottom because she came in Third Place.

And Ashlee made this face because Dance Math is hard.

ashSince this was Maddie and Mackenzie’s last week (…Drinking Game Alert…) everyone had hoped that Abby might have some Words of Wisdom for the girls as their time with the team came to a close.  You know…something motivational and/or inspirational.

Something other than “I took these girls from their average, suburban, hum drum, Sam’s Club, Costco Sample Day, get your hair done at JCPenney, Buy One Get One at Old Navy, Blue Collar life of misery and made them stars,” I mean.

Because that totally happened.

And then Holly made this #HollyFace a few million times.

hAnd this one.

h1I heart Holly.

This week, the gang was headed to New York Dance Experience in Riverside, CA, which is another one of those competitions where you get your critique right on stage the minute you finish dancing before you can even grab your water bottle.

I’m not sure how safe it is from a hydration point, but I find it enjoyable.

The Big Girls would be performing (…freakin’ finally…) a Hip Hop routine, since the Z’s both love doing Hip Hop.  And it’s their last week.

And time to take another shot.

giphy-1Both Maddie and MackZ scored solos, because…you know.  And the Minis got assigned one of Kendall‘s old numbers (…the ‘Kiss’ one…) and even got KK to help with the flashback choreography, which made my MomCrush Jill pretty happy.

Tiny Areana would also be performing a solo in tribute to her brother, Jordan, who suffered a disabling brain injury after open heart surgery when he was 3 months old.

If you didn’t cry a little bit when her Mom, Sari, told that heart wrenching story surrounded by all the Minis in a group hug, then I’m afraid we can’t be friends anymore.

sI can’t even imagine.

acryI also can’t imagine how a 4 year old already knows how to cry and dab her eyeballs like she’s on a soap opera.  I love this kid so much.  To Infinity & Beyond.

Out on the MomBleachers as the kids got to rehearsing, everyone was curious if Melissa recalled what Maddie and Mack’s first solos were 6 years ago back in Pittsburgh.

Google Results:  A picture-in-picture moment that was part retrospective, part Super Bowl.


Let’s go to the video tape.

fbMackenzie’s so-not age appropriate gold bullion earrings, tho.

Darling, I’m getting bored with this interview.  Somebody get my Hello Kitty fur stole and have the valet bring the Barbie corvette around front, please.

I just can’t.

Side note:  Randomly insert #CryingMomFace wherever you would like this week.


Side note #2:  Are we just not going to address this handbag?  Are those LED lights?


The next day was Head Shot Day and the Minis all arrived like they were pulling up to the Warner Brothers Studio lot or something.  What is this kid even looking at right now?


You bettah werk.  Flashbulb.  Flashbulb.  Two snaps.  Flashbulb. Flashbulb.


Needless to say, Abby barely acknowledged that the Big Girls were even part of this episode as she bounced between all the Minis rambling about Legacies and Duck Faces.

What do you think of that, Melissa?


Full disclosure:  Right around here somewhere was a really messy interaction between Sari and Melissa that didn’t go over very well on Twitter.  I’m not even touching it.

You know how we play here.

Please take all remaining issues to a chat room of your choosing.

We need to keep it light.  Because it’s lunch time.

giphy-2Ok, Ashlee.  Today you can.

All the Big Girl Moms played nice for an afternoon and went to lunch together where they reminisced, told old war stories, cried some more and then raised their glasses in a toast to the Sisterhood of the Traveling Dance Bag.

Look at how Ashlee’s glass is already half empty and Kira’s on her second refill.

toastgiphyFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for the Original Recipe Moms to arrive at the venue all like..tumblr_m4bcqiubv01qhie18o11_250jhttumblr_nj0xs0vzBd1tmcmg4o8_400m2opening-credits-13-joan-collins.nocrop.w529.h414What the what?

And why are they doing makeup on the Dark Shadows set?  Is that a candelabra?

candWhere do you even buy one of those in 2016?

Film_727w_Innocents_originalTurns out that the hats weren’t (…just…) a fashion misstep, but also a not-so-subtle representation of how the Moms were all in Mourning because it was their last competition with the Zieglers.  Because, you know…it is.

Peyton‘s Mom (…whose hair looked nice this week…) thought they were all being straight up bougie and didn’t want any part of it, thank you.

She’s sassy.

peyAfter Abby offered up yet another exceptionally awkward pep talk…

m…it was time to dance.

And to see Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak as emcee!  Whaaaaaat?

Dat’s rite.  My girl was off the judge’s table and up on stage running this whole shindig for a change.  Mama knows where the good lighting is.

Bonus:  Here’s another shot of Rachelle driving to work.  You can tell it’s a different day than the last competition because the plane is facing the other direction.

wonder-woman-invisible-jetAnd here’s another shot of the night she took a bunch of her friends out to dinner and one of them was so drunk he couldn’t find his phone or the plane.

tumblr_mcrc7frd9O1qirsuqo1_500Fun Fact:  Broadway people are hilarious.

Side note:  Rachelle’s micro dress must have been made out of the same fabric as her plane, because you could barely see either one from the stage.

Dang, girl.  Put some clothes on, there’s kids in the room.

I love her, you know.

Areana was up first with the dance for her brother.  And Jordan was there in the auditorium!  He made it for the performance and it was so emotional from start to finish.

Even when Abby went up to meet him before the show started you couldn’t help but get a little misty.  Look at how excited he was to see his little sister perform.

jAfter the routine, Rachelle sent Areana down into the audience to hug her brother and I may or may not have lost it for second.  She loves him so much.

ajNext up was Mackenzie and some naughty editing showing Abby on her iPhone.

I see what you did there.

amClearly, the days of MackZ bouncing around in a mouse onesie are long gone.

The judge even called her a “Powerful Pocket Rocket…”

ERsSj…which I’m just going to blame on Rachelle’s dress and move on.

And then it was time for Maddie’s solo.  And time for everyone to get choked up.

zieglerlastdanceThis was it.  The last one.

For all the squawking and talking about it, the time had finally arrived.

Melissa ugly cried.

melAbby did whatever this thing is and then ugly cried as well.

almI’m pretty sure Holly even thought that it was Nia‘s last dance and started bawling.




When it was over, Melissa was really starting to percolate over Abby’s lack of concern and attention for her daughters, given the fact that they were leaving the studio forever in 3 hours.  Abby’s focus seemed to be only on the Minis and the Minis and the Minis.

And the Minis.

And Melissa wasn’t liking it.

Backstage, Abby gave one last (…slightly snarky…) pep talk to everyone, pointing out that the Zieglers may be leaving for something bigger and better…or not…and that it may just be a blessing in disguise for (…slightly subtle camera shot…) others.


Check out Brynn getting all like ‘What’s Happening Right Now?’ 


And then somehow Sari and Melissa started screaming at each other and Kira stood up for the Old Moms while the New Moms rallied behind Sari right before Melissa blurted out that “The fans will not love you.”

What?  And why didn’t Kira get a hat?

To ease the tension, here’s a photo of Jill and Melissa at Graduation.

mjvBy the time the Minis hit the stage in their little KissLip dresses, I think we were all ready for some light hearted pre-school tumbling.

kissFashion Watch:  You can eyeball it or grab an actual tape measure, but I swear Rachelle’s dress is the exact same size as that kid on the end.  Am I right?

rrkmGah, I love this chick.  How do I not have a walk-on part in Hamilton yet?

And then it was time for Maddie and Mackenzie to perform with the ALDC Elite Team one last time.  And time for the ugly crying to get even uglier.

tumblr_o6mc809Tl11tb8iyko1_500tumblr_o6mca1aRvv1tb8iyko1_500By the time Rachelle called Mom up on stage, it was all over.

Melissa was a mess.


Look at Rachelle trying to do something with Melissa’s hat hair.  Good luck with that.hathAwards:  Areana…Second Place.  Mackenzie didn’t even place, which was not cool for her last ever ALDC thingamajig.  Imma need to see some judge’s sheets asap.

Maddie took First Place for her solo, which lead to a quick #MorphingMaddie video montage where they magically spun her from kindergarten up to the present day.

Like this.  But not really.

Oo9vbNeedless to say, both the Minis and the Big Girls took First Place for their group dances.

Which called for a party.

Which, conveniently enough, was all set up back stage with balloons and cake and those exploding pop sparkler things that can poke your eye out if you don’t point them in the right direction.

Side note:  Nia and Mackenzie clearly know how to party, because cake and toot horns were flying everywhere.  I love these kids.  And were those Tiffany bags?  Excuse me?


Unfortunately, Melissa wasn’t feeling it.

Abby still wasn’t saying any final words to the girls, except for critiquing their last dances.

She saw mistakes.  And Melissa saw RED.

mzgI’m done.  I’m leaving.

Some screaming.  Some head shaking and hand waving.

Not the way I thought it would end.  Unfinished business is The.  Worst.

The cake looked good, but the rest of the party tanked pretty fast.  The Minis got a spot on next week’s Pyramid as the Old Moms tried to figure out how to get Melissa and Abby to talk it out.  Maybe at the Mid-Season Reunion coming up next week?

The one where Jai Rodriguez stole my hosting gig.  That one.

From the Mouths of Babes:  Mack said stay humble and positive.  So I will.  For now.

mckzAnd then it was over.

Melissa took off.

Everyone else enjoyed a few more awkward moments before scooting out.

And then the Zieglers were gone.

Vanished into thin air.


fireball-z-smoke-trail-zorro-fireballWe miss you already, kids.

Peace Out.


Dance Moms: With Only Three Weeks Left At The ALDC, It’s Time To Hip Hop Or Pop Off For MackZ & Swaggy Lee.

Wednesday, April 20th, 2016




Moms better have my money before TMZ finds out these are real diamonds on my snap-back.






I literally can’t even keep my head up. How does she wear this every day and not pass out?






If this is Kanye tryna get in on my mix tape again, I’m not picking up. Lil’ Holly only raps solo, yo.















Telling you right now, if everyone’s gonna start rockin’ big a** bows then we’re all going back to name tags.






Sure, I got a shiner. But let’s just say the other guy won’t be stealing my look for awhile. BooYeah.






Dat’s rite. It’s been a week and #BANGS is still trending.  So, ummm…#WINNING.





Sup, homie?

1,2,3 and to the 4.

Swaggy Lee and MackZ is at the door.

And you can quote me and Snoop on that one…

…cuz it ain’t nothing but an ALDC Thang up in here this week.

Or at least that’s what Abby Lee Miller set out to prove as Dance Moms ditched the Capezios for Yeezys and attempted their first ever hip hop trifecta.

You heard me rite, Dawg.  Three hip hop routines at the same competition.

Spoiler Alert:  These three, maybe.  Nice hat, BTW.


And isn’t that gigantic bow on the wrong person?

Sorry.  Can’t give it all away yet.

So for now, just put your arms up in the ayah ayah…and your feet up on the couch…and let’s do this from the beginning.  Starting in the parking lot.

As all the Moms and ALDC Elites gathered before the Pyramid of Shame, it was clear to all involved that the team really needed a huge win this week to regain some traction on The Road to Nationals.

Q.  That’s still a thing, right?  The Road to Nationals?

Because they haven’t mentioned it even once this season, unless it’s still too early to start that mantra.  Maybe they’re saving it for Season 6B.  That could be it.

Which if fine, because honestly, the main topic of conversation for the next 3 weeks is all going to center around the Zieglers leaving the show, anyway.

Because they’re leaving the show, you know.  All of them.

Maddie, Mackenzie and Melissa.

In 3 weeks.


Official Ziegler Countdown Clock:


Official Ziegler Countdown Drinking Game:

tumblr_mk8746w9cC1ql5yr7o1_400You know what to do by now.

Once everyone made it inside the building, Abby banged out the Pyramid in record time.

Bottom Row:  JoJo, Brynn, Mackenzie and Nia.

Middle Row:  Kendall, Kalani and Maddie.

Top Row:  JoJo again.  Wait.  What?

I think I forgot to mention that when JoJo noted she had been in the basement almost every week this season, Abby snatched her head shot off the mirror and moved it up to the top, no questions asked.  Who knew it was that easy all this time?

Jessalynn made this face…

jsw…and noted that Abby was probably just sucking up to both of them since JoJo was most likely next in line for the coveted MaddieSpot in…count ’em…3 weeks.


Personally, I think she did it to give Ashlee an aneurism on national television.  Look at her chewing her own lips off so she doesn’t go to prison for manslaughter.


Side note:  I don’t even have enough animated drinking gifs on my hard drive to make it through this episode, so you’re gonna have to do most of the Ziegler Game on your own.

This week, the gang was headed to Sacramento, CA for another Xpressions Dance Competition.  Everyone seemed pretty excited, because they all clapped.

Fun Fact:  Adrienne Maloof and her overly exasperated husband Paul Nassif from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills once owned the Sacramento Kings, but now they’re divorced and sitting on $535M they pocketed from selling the team.


He’s a plastic surgeon and she once washed a raw chicken in the sink with actual soap because that’s what stupid rich people do when their personal chef has the day off.

63cInitially, JoJo and Brynn were handed the only two hip hop solos, while Mackenzie got saddled (…pun absolutely intended…) with yet another Hoe Down Showdown’ tumble jumble mess…because Lord knows you can never have enough back bendin’, hand stand-in’, pig tailin’ cowgirl dances in 6 seasons, right?

Full disclosure:  I couldn’t find the exact cowgirl clip that I had in mind and was wasting too much time Googling it, so here’s Mackenzie patting a bunch of BeDazzled lemons hot glued to her head.  Please do enjoy.

tumblr_inline_mo51oioL7v1qz4rgpWith only 3 weeks left at the ALDC LA, you know MackZ wasn’t having any of that cowgirl nonsense.  No, ma’am.  Not having it.

She really wanted to do hip hop.  And all the Moms really wanted her to do hip hop.  And Abby was outnumbered.  And this probably wasn’t going to end well at a all.

Sure enough, Abby popped a nutty.

She told the girls to do whatever they wanted and then took off into her office, screaming something about the group routine’s ‘Broken Dreams’ title before slamming the door so hard that half of the scotch tape let go on whatever all that schedule-looking clutter was she had plastered all over the wood.

You see all that?  Buy a bulletin board, maybe.


With only 3 weeks left at the ALDC LA, you know Melissa wasn’t having any of this, either.

No, ma’am.  If Mackenzie wanted to do hip hop, then she should do hip hop.

And she was going to make that point clear to Abby by busting into the office and confronting her prey face to face.  Just like that lady who climbed into the Toronto Zoo tiger’s den this week because her sun bonnet blew over the fence.

What could possibly go wrong?

I dunno.  This maybe.


Ouch.  Abby refused to talk to Melissa and tried slamming the door on the microphone guy while his boom stick thingamajig was still inside the office.

One of these things.

Except that when he finally managed to pull it out of the door frame, the fuzzy part was completely missing.  Like she had chewed it off or something.


Meat on a stick.

Side note 1:  What exactly happened in there?

Side note 2:  Why do Sound Guys always wear crazy camp shirts?

The next day, Abby was still locked inside the office as Rumer Noel, Guy Amir and some new person named Olga showed up to help choreograph all the routines.

I didn’t even know they made short-sleeved hoodies.


I love Guy.

He has mad moves and a backwards BBoy cap, so you know he’s the #RealDeal.

Rumer is a crazy good hip hopper, too, even though I swear they spelled her name ‘Rumor’ last time.  But that could just be me not paying attention.

Wouldn’t be the first time.  Or the last.  This is only Episode #16.

And that new girl Olga seemed nice enough, too, even though she was dressed in a total Debbie Allen knock-off and disappeared as soon as Abby started freaking out again.  Anyone else notice that?  Where’d she even go that fast?

I swear.  Dancers are so light on their feet when they’re under duress.

So, yeah.  Abby wouldn’t come out of the office again.

Not even when Mystery Producer Man tried to coax her out of the cave with subtitles by reminding her she had previously stated it was ok for all the kids to do hip hop if that’s what they wanted.

Remember yesterday, woman?

Wait for it.


Next thing you know, Abby stuck her head out the office window all like…


…except that is was more like…


…and probably closer to ‘”Wazowski, you didn’t file your paperwork last night”


…and started screaming at Mystery Producer Man and anyone else who would listen about how stupid everyone was until she slammed the rolling window shutter down like you do when the Snack Bar runs out of ice cream and it’s time to hit the beach.

Which is exactly what Abby did.  Really.

She took off to the beach right in the middle of all the dramzzzz.  Cheers, suckahs.

Side note:  Why are these flowers still in plastic if they’re in a vase?

flBefore Abby could even squeal out of the parking lot, tho, the Moms tried to lay down behind the car to stop her from leaving.


She was outta there.

But she did manage to call Holly on her cell from around the corner, since we all know that everyone except me has Holly in their speed dial.

Short version:  Abby was losing it.  And, clearly, she wasn’t having any of this today.

And speaking of not having any of this right now.

Look at Gianna trying to focus while that lady is screaming 6 inches from her head.


Her headset isn’t even covering both ears.  Why is she yelling?

If you can hear us…we can hear you, honey.

gI love how they don’t even try to hide camera people anymore.  #Chaos.

While Abby was off somewhere lubing up with spf 75, the rest of the crew was trying their best to prep for the upcoming competition.  It was all hands on deck.

Rumer and Guy were running the hip hop solos while Ashlee and my MomCrush Jill momentarily slid back into their old ways when Ashlee accused the other Moms of not supporting Abby in all her legal issues.

Memo to Ashlee:  Probably not something you want to say to a bunch of Moms who left their husbands and/or assorted children and pets back home to try and keep this big ol’ ALDC LA boat afloat, thank you.

Jill wasn’t having it.  And neither was Kendall.

I forget when she made these faces, but it pretty much sums up the week.

kkse kkli

And then it was MackZ’s turn to lose it.

She was having a hard time with her hip hop choreography and despite the fact that Guy thought her shoes were really cool, she melted down and ran into yet another one of those bathroom/office situations that seem to be sprinkled all over the studio.  I swear that place has more hidden passageways and secret rooms than a haunted mansion.

Speaking of.  Here’s a scene from Dark Shadows where you can actually see the shadow from one of those microphone sticks that Abby shut in the door frame.

See how it all came together?


The Circle of Life.

Luckily, it was Holly to the rescue, even though I believe Melissa is the one listed as ‘Mother’ on the birth certificate.  Not sure how they crossed wires at that moment, but somehow Holly ended up going behind closed doors to check on Mackenzie while Melissa counted backwards from 3, if you know what I mean.

I love how Holly is always the Calming Force.

I also love how she kinda looks like Jordan Sparks with this hair.  Am I right?

jsWith one day to go, Abby decided to show up again, wearing her soda can hair rollers and carrying one of those Coke Adds Life paper cups that always crumple when you try and put the lid on them with one hand.aeahCheck-Yourself-Before-You-Wreck-Yourselfah1Coming or going, Cosmo says they give you luscious, beachy Kardashian waves.

Unfortunately, Abby didn’t even have time for a comb-out before she left the studio again.

What the what is her dealio this week?

Finally, it was Showtime!

Backstage, Ashlee didn’t want Brynn going onstage looking like a prison inmate, so she somehow made a gigantic hair bow materialize out of thin air and safety pinned it to her kid’s beanie.  Like this…

bbbWhich reminded Jessalynn of this, without the foot smelling part…

dance-moms-its-solo-battle-round-1-as-jojo-go-L-EPSpwN…and resulted in 27 minutes of ‘Why You Dressing Up Yo Kid Like My Kid?’ hilarity.

Oh.  And Swaggy Lee Miller showed up.  Did I forget that part?

Yo.  Sup?

bbhmLooking like a cross between those ladies who are always in the live audience for QVC‘s In The Kitchen With David and the DOT guy who waves the flag so you don’t fall into open man holes while they’re paving your school’s parking lot, Abby busted down the back door all blinged-out like Rihanna‘s drunk aunt screaming Moms Better Have My Money on Karaoke Night.  Cuz they bettah.

I just can’t anymore.  And neither could Jill.


Or MackZ.


Or Holly.

hf1Or Elmo.

giphy-5And maybe one more Holly.

dance-moms-its-my-welcome-home-party-and-ill--L-AWK_kzAfter Swaggy checked her Sidekick and Gia discreetly updated her resume…

agia…the soloists hit the floor.

JoJo took a page out of my #BucketList and boxed in glitter gloves and painted on abs.

jjbBrynn (…allegedly…) swiped JoJo’s headgear, jumpsuit and moves.

Depends who you ask.  But she did great, regardless.


MackZ pounded out what may, or may not, have been her last solo with the ALDC.

And Abby wore these things.  On purpose.


After another one of those seemingly endless Dance Moms Guides To Everything On The Planet (…this time it was FanGirlling and then another one where they talked really fast about BFFs vs. Just Plain Fs…) it was time for the group routine.

After Jessalynn blurted out that it looked like JoJo danced twice, I mean, because…you know…the whole #BowGate thing that had erupted earlier.


Ashlee got up and moved her seat closer to Abby, forgetting to save those tears for her pillow as she got all emotional when asked what was going on between the two of them.

And then it was finally the group number.

kkmkkCostumes were cool, right?

And the choreography was pretty elaborate.  Which explains why they won First Place!

As for the rest of the results, JoJo only took Fifth Place for her Rocky number, while Brynn beat her by one and came in Fourth Place.  Which meant that now it was Jessalynn’s turn to not be having it this week.

Are you freaking kidding me?  I don’t think so.

And MackZ took home First Place for her Tiny Hat Dance.  You, go!!

mljBackstage is where it all fell apart again.

Jessalynn and Ashlee went another 17 rounds about who invented the Big Bow and for some reason, somebody felt it deserved a flashback even though we had just witnessed the scene right before the last commercial.

Look familiar?


It got a little ugly with the word ‘Hypocritical’ thrown around a few times.

And then Jessalynn pushed it over the edge by saying something about how if she wanted to dress her kid up like Brynn she would just put her in some boring leotard and a tight bun and stick her right foot up in the air…


…and wave it ’round like you just don’t care.

Well, Holly added that part.  Like the song.

You know.  Where you put your hands up in the air and wave them around like…


I’m pretty sure she was just trying to lighten the mood and get everyone to finish off the day with a good old fashioned Dance Mama rap, but when she started dropping beats and spitting eight-bars, Ashlee wasn’t having it.

Which probably explains why she tore outta there screaming how much she hated Jessalynn while the rest of the Moms started swaying back and forth holding imaginary Bic lighters and getting krunk wid it.

Dance Moms getting krunk.  It was so buck you had to see it to believe it.

And I got nothing after that.

Drop it like it’s hot, yo.




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