Posts Tagged ‘Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni’

Dance Moms: The ALDC Tribal Council Is About To Vote Off All The Crybabies, So You Might Wanna Pull It Together.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

h1 2

 

 

I just wanted to get some sleep, so I told that little crybaby there was a pony in the back of the bus.

 

 

n1

 

 

 

Chief YearOfTheNia is about to shut this Tribal Council down.

 

b

 

 

 

Hey! Was that a Dunkin Donuts? I told you to never pass by a damn Dunkin Donuts!

 

 

j

 

 

Sometimes all the world really needs is Jill Vertes making a crazy face. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

 

c

 

 

I dunno what’s in this Aqua Net, but it is some strong s***. I swear I just saw dancing Indians.

 

 

n

 

 

 

You can do this. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Be the Cher, Nia.

 

s

 

 

 

Srsly. Will you look at that tiny crown. And I thought MY kid got the shaft every week…

 

 

 

Okay.

Let’s just address the elephant in the teepee right now and get it out of the way early so we can focus on all the choreographed hilarity.

Road to Nationals means heap big drama for Dance Moms.

There.  You were thinking it and I said it.  And now that we’ve started this thing off as politically incorrect as possible, we can get right to the good stuff.

I think I’ve proven over the last few years that I have absolutely no idea what the rules are anymore when it comes to being PC.  Honestly, I’ve barely figured out the rules for dance competitions.  And don’t even ask me how they judged Toddlers & Tiaras.

But I thought we weren’t supposed to call the Washington Redskins the Washington Redskins anymore.  I’m so confused.  At least I know the correct term is Native American.

So when Abby Lee Miller pulled out a feathered headdress in the first 3 minutes of this week’s episode I knew she was going to break Twitter.  And she did.

Some people called it racist.  Some people called it a glowing Native American tribute.

And more than a few fabulous gentlemen literally gagged over the outfits.

Because, let’s face it, they were to die for.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.  Dead.

mz

Regardless, I’m just putting it out there before anybody gets themselves too tightly wound up over the subject matter.  You know by now we’re just here for the party.  Head over to the Gymboree chat rooms if you want to get into anything heavier.  I’m sure they’re still bashing me for that whole home schooling fiasco.

So no offense intended, or taken, as we go all tribal this week.

And honestly, with all the money I’ve lost at Mohegan Sun over the years, I think they can cut me some slack just this once.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the Pyramid of Shame.  Which was actually the Totem Pole of Shame this week.

Which was actually just a bunch of photos stacked on top of each other.  I mean, it’s not like there was an eagle head at the top or anything.  It was just Maddie again.

It was, however, National Dress Your Mom Up In Crazy Pastel Summer Prints And Take Her To Work Day and all the Moms were representing like a double page spread in the Sunday Kohl’s flyer.  I swear these women call each other every morning.  How else do you explain them all ending up in the same color pallet almost every week?

All the matching Original Recipe Moms were there, along with Tami “She Who Wears Shorty Short Booty Shorts” Adamson (…her Native American name…) and her little daughter Tea’, who had both been asked to return after last week’s successful group routine.  Just like when Loree and Jade had been asked back and Tami gave them crap for jumping the fence from New Team to Old Team.

Just like that.

Oh.  And Christ-y was back.  The loud Church Lady had returned, but apparently taken some Oath of Silence to prevent her daughter Sarah from being kicked out of the building for a second time this month.

a1

Can someone either check Sarah’s body temperature or get her a sweater, please?  She’s always shaking.

Since it was a Totem Pole of Shame this week (…to foreshadow the upcoming theme…) Abby zoomed from the bottom of the elevator to the top so fast that it made my ears pop.

Nia, MackZ, Kendall, Tea’, Chloe and Maddie “On Top Again She Is” Ziegler.

(That was supposed to be Maddie’s Native American name, but the more I look at it the more it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say.  I just can’t win this week.)

The gang was all headed to the Energy Dance Competition Regionals in Waterford, MI where the tiniest ALDC dancers would be battling it out for a spot at Nationals.

MackZ, Tea’ and Sarah all scored solos.  So the pressure was on.

The group routine, if you actually haven’t figured it out by now, was going to be a sparkly Cher-inspired ethnic Native American tribal council dance.

Seriously.  Inspired by Cher.  From the Sonny & Cher Show.  That Cher.

Apparently Abby had gone to see one of Cher’s never-ending Farewell Tour performances (…Seriously.  This beeyotch has been saying farewell for the last 10 years…) and was so inspired by the iconic Half-Breed song that she raced back to Pittsburgh with one of those feathered headdresses they sell next to the ‘I Got You Babe’ t-shirts.

Nia was going to be the featured lead in the dance.  I hate to keep saying ‘I told you so’ when it comes to the International Year of the Nia…but…well…look at that, will ya…

I told you so.

n2

Pssst.  Newsflash:  Booty Short Tami let Abby know the ‘word on the street’ was that Jeanette had entered her daughter Ava into the competition as well, which would mean that 12 year old Ava would be going up against Abby’s pint-sized triplets.

Something about a 9 -12 year old category that magically changed to a 10-12 year old category at some point during the episode.  I guess Tea’ was in her own category for Mini Grand Supreme or something (…I think I’m getting my toddler shows confused…) but then her overall score would put her up against Ava.

Or maybe I was too busy you tubing Half Breed to pay attention.

I mean, come on.  Who didn’t want to slap on a Village People headdress and ride into Study Hall on a horse when they were little?  Cher is…gah.

She’s f***ing Cher, for crying out loud.

Oh.  And ps…‘word on the street’ is code for ‘Jeanette told me at Starbucks.’

They’re BFFs.  Just saying.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls got to rehearsing.

Sarah had the nervous sniffles.  Again…sweater, please.  Or can we at least turn the heat up a skootch?  Abby wanted her to drag herself across the floor like she was in a horrific bus accident and could no longer walk.  (Spoiler alert:  I think I just figured out what the next scene’s trauma stems from…) while MackZ had a sassier, more mature solo.

Work it.  Work it.  Walk it.  Walk it.

Tea’, on the other hand, was straight up little girl Boop-Oop-A-Doop 1920’s crybaby, complete with a face down hissy fit like she had just missed out on front row Cher tickets.

hf1

Upstairs, Christi was trying to psych out Tami just like she had psyched out Loree the week before, by suggesting that even though Tea’ made an awesome crybaby, she was going up against an even bigger crybaby and didn’t stand a chance.

Remember last week?  Ava sat on her mother’s lap and almost ugly cried herself into a blackout.  You’re like 12 years old.  Going on 6 feet tall.

Pull it together, sister.  You’re an amazing dancer.

The group rehearsal is when it started getting good.

Abby wanted more Face from Nia.  More!  More!  I wanna see Cher!

(Gurrrl, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  Have you seen the ticket prices?)

Maddie can do it, why can’t you?

Wait.  What?  What did she just say?  Ooooh, Holly didn’t like dat.  At all.

Do it, Maddie.  Show Nia how to give Face.

And then Maddie jumped in and showed Nia how to give Face.  And then Holly noticed that it was the same MaddieFace that she had used last week in her solo.  And then…wait.  It was the same face she had used the week before that, too.

Are we talking FaceGate?  Hold up.  Maddie’s been using the same face every week for four years?  And nobody told me?  Good thing Holly’s on the case.

When Holly turned to Melissa and pointed out that she’d never seen one 8th grade social studies book with a photo of Chief MaddieFace, I just ’bout hit the floor.

s4

By the time Abby came up to the MomPerch for some NiaFace-Bashing, Dr. Beyoncé wasn’t having it.  All right…whatever.  Shut it down now.  Game Over.

Stick a fork in it.  I’m done.

And then Sarah had some major bus anxiety.

I mean, major.   Like breath into a paper bag kind of anxiety.

I’m not really sure where it all stems from, though the last time there was an issue with public transportation Christ-y tried to peg it on home schooling and the fact that Sarah had never been away from her side in 9 years.

Now unless they do one room home schooling, I’m not sure why the poor little nugget couldn’t go to the back of the bus without her Mom, because I’m going to assume her bedroom is on the other side of the house.  There has to be a point in the day when Mom is not her in sight line.

I felt bad for Sarah.  Especially when Abby yelled at her to pick a damn spot and sit down.

And so did Holly, who took Sarah under her stylishly on-trend Gap dark denim jacket wing and helped her to the back seats, explaining that buses only break apart in the middle and lose the front half over a cliff in the movies.  Not Real Life, honey.

And I don’t know why your Mama isn’t helping me.  Now go blow your nose.

Side note:  Abby said Bull Crap.’  With the kids in the car.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Christi lost track of all the kids as soon as they arrived, which was hilarious.  Anyone seen the children?   Where are the children?

am

(Wasn’t that the name of a dance or something?  The one where crazy Vivi-Anne just sat in a swing?  I miss that kid.  I hope she’s getting enough ice cream up there in Ohio, because you know how I worry about her calcium levels.)

Jeanette and Ava showed up.  Mom was wearing some tight jeans from Not-Forever 21 and had that kind of curly hair that never dried the entire episode.

Tami kept finding excuses to sneak out of the back room and go narc on the ALDC Moms with her BFF.  I’m not sure how she expected to keep that one a secret with two cameras following her down the hallway, but all right…whatever.

And then the editing just turned into a hot mess.  Hot.  Mess.  And you know that’s my pet peeve.

The group routine went on first, even though in reality it clearly went later since the girls were in and out and back in their Native American makeup about ten times during the rest of the show.  Seriously, people?

Nia was a-maz-ing in the Cher Dance, even though Maddie kept hogging the lead spot.

(Did you see them all standing on the giant Tom-Tom?  Git out my center spot, gurl.)

Was it just me, or did that seem a little odd?  And what was up with MackZ’s crab crawl handstand thingamabob around the drum?  Is that a contractually required move every week now?  Because I’ve never seen any Native Americans bust that one out before.

Sarah clearly drew on all that bus angst during her solo, which was a mix of that kid from Les Misérables and those old Italian women who throw themselves on top of caskets at funerals.  Her Mom’s face when she was dancing, though.

Tea’s hair bow looked like bunny rabbit ears but she Betty Boop’d herself into a meltdown quite nicely.  She totally has a silent movie face.

And then MackZ proved once and for all that the Bumble Bee costume is a thing of the past.  Our baby is all grown up.

ch

Side note:  They came back from commercial break and showed some mystery group doing a Li’l Abner looking dance with a double wide trailer and lawn chairs.  Excuse me?  I need to see that Redneck Dance in its entirety, asap.  Dolla makes me holla, yo.

Next up, Ava did her solo but Kendall missed it because she was out back putting on her NativeAmericanFace for the 2nd time.  Seriously.  Editing, people.  Don’t make me keep saying it.

And then all of the sudden Maddie was dancing.  Giving some unexpected, and not even listed in the program, MaddieFace to all of Michigan.

Don’t ask.  Abby had asked her to bring a costume under the premise of ‘psyching out Ava’ in the wings of the stage, but then all of the sudden there she was in the spotlight doing the dance that lady from Greenwich Village had written for her last week.

I said don’t ask.

Backstage, all the Moms ganged up on Melissa, accusing her of sabotaging MackZ’s chance at First Place by shoving her out of the way so Maddie could perform.  Melissa said Nope.  The Moms said Yup.  And Abby said it was done to make sure Ava didn’t win.

My MomCrush Jill (…who was rocking some serious snake skin, BTW…) accused Melissa of throwing MackZ under the bus, which almost put Sarah into cardiac arrest until someone told the kid it was just a figure of speech.

Lawd, that girl’s gonna be the death of me.

Holly even called it a Defining Moment for America…and probably MackZ’s career…and I vowed to vote for Dr. Beyoncé in 2016 instead of Loree’s husband.  I think an American flag even unfurled behind her as she spoke, but everyone was so busy putting their NativeAmericanFaces back on for the third time that they all missed the I Have A Dance Dream speech.  Love me some Holly when her hair starts curling.

Not so much the Post-Production Editors and the Continuity Guy.

Wax On.  Wax Off.  Hats On.  Hats Off.

sh1

And then all the little Chers went out to collect their awards.

Sarah won First Place Petite Solo, which I now realize is not the same thing as Mini Grand Supreme.  Kiddie Pageants give out waaaay better crowns.

Did you see that tiny thing on her head?  It was like the ones you buy at iParty and put on cupcakes for Disney Princess Birthday Parties.  I’m afraid she’s gonna swallow it the next time she starts hyper-ventilating.

What a rip.

Tea’s solo came in Fifth.  MackZ took Third.  Ava Second.  And then Maddie won First Place, even though the judge with the bow tie was going to have to UPS her trophy to her on Monday since she was such a late entry.

The Native American group dance easily took First Place.  Probably something to do with that whole International Year of the Nia thing I keep hearing about.

Abby still wouldn’t admit that Nia was amazing, even when Holly pressed her for feedback and her special recipe for sugar cookies.

(Seriously.  Did you hear that interaction?  What the what?)

And then Jeanette and Ava got booted off the New & Improved ALDC Select Team because of this week’s sneak attack against Abby.  When will these people learn?

Tami did ask Abby if it was okay to use the restroom, though.  I guess even Narcs need a potty break.

And then it was over.  Until next week when the Road to Nationals brings the ALDC face to face with the Candy Apples again.

Oh, yeah.  Me see heap big trouble brewing.

Sing us outta here, will ya Nia?

tumblr_n5w70nlf0X1sgnbi9o1_500

Dance Moms: All The First Ladies…Put Your Hands Up! In DC, The Politics Of Dancing Give Chloe Her Revenge.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

jt

 

 

You need to stop hating on us New Moms. That strap looks exactly like a real Louis bag.

 

 

h3

 

 

What you need to do is give those tiny shorts back to your daughter and then maybe we can talk .

 

 

c

 

 

If I had known that slapping her really voids your contract, Kelly and I would be at Disneyland today.

 

 

blue

 

 

Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie

 

 

h1 2

 

 

They were booty shorts. I used to send kids home with a note for hoochin’ up in those things.

 

 

eat

 

 

Do you think they’re coming back or can we start working on those mozzarella sticks over there?

 

 

ava

 

 

So am I the only one concerned that it says ‘suck’ and ‘flank’ on the board behind me? Really?

 

 

 

And so it begins.  Again.

The Road to Nationals.

Get used to hearing it.  A lot.

It’s a pretty big deal.  At least according to the Dance Moms Advisory System, because we’re already at Threat Level: Orange and there are still five weeks to go.

And you could tell, because as soon as Abby Lee Miller activated the Countdown Clock, everyone started running around like they were Jack Bauer trying to single handedly intercept a Candy Apples drone strike aimed directly at the ALDC.

I actually suggested to Lifetime TV that they incorporate the 24:Live Another Day digital ticker before every commercial break leading up to Nationals, but they haven’t responded yet.  I also suggested they pay me to write these hilarious recaps and send me advance DVD copies of each episode so I can get some sleep on Tuesday nights, but that hasn’t happened either.  I must have the wrong email address.

Regardless, even when Cathy Nesbitt-Stein has your studio in the crosshairs of an impending launch sequence, there’s still time for a quick Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for the latest reveal, the room was almost filled to capacity.  The Original Recipe Moms and dancers were once again joined by most of the New Select Moms and their offspring.  Hiatus is over.  Back to work, New People.

Reunited and it feels so good.

They were coming out of the woodwork.  Moms For Miles, which should totally be the name of a charity walk if it’s not already.

m

Future City Council wife Loree and Jade were still hanging with the Original Moms, so the scale was tipped a little heavy on the Elite Team side of the room, which didn’t go unnoticed by the Select Moms.

Side note:  Every time they called themselves the Select Moms all I could think of was low-sodium soup or that dog food you have to cut with a knife.

Have you ever seen Freshpet Select at the store?  You should Google it.  It looks exactly like the Pillsbury Tollhouse Cookie sausage that you cut and bake.

Except that it’s dog food.

Trust me, you do not want to confuse the two when you’ve got the munchies at 3am after stumbling home from a frat party.  At least that’s what a friend told me, I mean.

At the Pyramid, there was only one Christi this week, so it was easier to keep track of who said what snarky thing to Abby.

Christi #1 was there behind Chloe.  Kristie #2 was off doing that Raising Asia show with the guy from Fame who used to have a mullet.  And Christ-y #3 was still banned from the studio and was presumably back home somewhere taking out the garbage.

Seriously.  This show sure has a lot of Christies.

Jeanette and Ava were back after spending time shopping at (…legally required disclaimer…) Not-Forever 21.  Tami and tiny Tea’ were also standing there, getting all OhNoYou’reNotStayingWithTheOldTeam as soon as they saw Loree.

My girl Kamryn even took a breather from over-achieving and managed to find some time to pop on another glitzy headband and hang with her New Team homies.  Mom Jodi was behind her looking all proud of the Kia Kamster’s recently awarded Nobel Peace Prize, even though she could barely see over her daughter’s head.

ch1

Tracy and Sarah (…no ‘R’ needed this week since the other Sarah was MIA…) were also in the line-up, though I don’t think this Sarah actually talked during the entire episode.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MackZ, Chloe and Nia.  Middle row: Jade and Kendall.   

Jade had a really gorgeous headshot that thankfully didn’t incorporate fans or anything that would make Mom say “She looks the part” again.  How odd was that last week?

And then Maddie was at the top.  Rinse and Repeat.

FYI…just so you know.  I have it from a reliable source that they had to reshoot part of this scene because Holly‘s hip hop majorette outfit was showing underneath her long blue dress.  It’s true.  You could totally see the silver fringe.

I told you when Dr. Beyoncé started wearing her hair all clipped and swept to one side that I knew something was up.  That’s some serious Bring It! hair if I’ve ever seen it.

DB4L!

It was also nice to see that Melissa and my MomCrush Jill had finally worked out an arrangement where they would alternate who wore the Bump-It so there was no more unnecessary competition in that category.  You go, Mrs. Z-G and all your big hair.

Jackin’ it to Jesus like they used to say on Toddlers & Tiaras.

This week the mob scene was headed to Washington, DC for the Believe Dance Competition.  Ava scored a ‘Drizzle’ solo (…like the rain, not the ice cream syrup…) which got her very excited.  Maddie was also handed a solo which was going to be set to music written specifically for her, because apparently she is now also an inspiration to songwriters as well as all the kids down at Miss Tina’s School of Tap.

(Spoiler Alert:  You just wait till this song lady shows up.)

ch

Miley Cyrus licked a sledge hammer and sat naked on a Wrecking Ball to beat out Sia at the VMAs this week, BTW.  Which was not cool.  Not cool at all.  Maddie was robbed.

The New Team would dance a group routine entitled ‘First Ladies’ which was right up Loree’s alley if you’ve ever seen her Bucket List.  But unfortunately she and Jade stayed with the Old Team, which would be doing a number called ‘America Gone.’

Side note:  I’m calling them Old and New from now on, because I keep losing track of Elite and Select and Junior Elite and Junior Select and Normal ALDC labels.  This show has really gotten to be a lot or work lately.

Oh.  And Chloe got booted to the New Team to balance things off a little.

Christi Meltdown in 3…2…1.

As the New Moms hit the Old MomPerch (…see how much work this is now?…) the Old Moms (…no offense intended…) and one relocated New Mom headed outside for some fresh air and smack talk.

Honestly, I don’t even remember what they talked about before they went back inside because they were all standing in front of a new secret door that we’d never seen before.  What is that?  With the pink awning?  Did you see that?  Is that a yogurt place?  Because that would be awesome after a long rehearsal.  It didn’t match the ALDC door, so now I need to know what’s going on over there.

Remember how the Candy Apples joint had that secret attached beef jerky store that we never saw until Chloe put on a meat dress?  Maybe that’s a thing now.  (Lucrative side businesses…not meat dresses.)

Anyone reading this in Pittsburgh who can scoot over on their lunch break and tell me what the dealio is?  I’d be forever grateful and I’ll even cover your mileage if it’s a hike.

jt1

The next day, ALL the Moms ended up outside again.  The Old ones and the New ones.  And we probably need to talk about these shorty shorts that Jeanette and Tami insist on wearing every day.

What the what?  OMG.  Mom, you’re embarrassing me.  Totes McGotes Embar.

You know Holly was dying inside.  Dying.  Jill, on the other hand, didn’t even try to hide her smirk and just made me love her more.  When she pretends to be having issues with her bangs…that’s VertesCode for Hot Mess.

And what’s with the pervy camera man who always shoots them from behind every time they wear those things?  Cuz he does.  You saw it.  And I saw it.  Remember when Tami threw down in the lobby and then walked outside?  Butt shot.

And he did it again this time as the Old Moms went inside and the New Moms wandered off into the distance.  And where do they keep going that they always need to walk away from the building in the middle of taping?

I’ll bet you a FroYo with sprinkles from the pink awning store that next week it’s in slow motion like Baywatch.

Rant is over.  Moving on.

Clearly, shifting Chloe to the New Team had really gotten under Christi’s skin, because she didn’t let up for a minute about how they were all now set up to fail.  She was super-sizing her negativity this week.  Ava is the sacrificial lamb going up against Maddie and Jade.  Blah Blah.  And one more Blah.

And then Rachel Sage showed up to celebrate National Maddie Day by singing a special Maddie Song.  And it was…colorful.

Google her.  We loved her.  She’s a SoHo BoHo WhoaNo independent visual artsy singer songwriter type who looks exactly like you’d imagine someone would look if they had filmed Blue’s Clues in Greenwich Village and made a puppet out of construction paper and glitter that came to life once you found the magic unicorn dust.

Exactly like that.  But with a flower in her hair.

blue

She was borderline obsessed with Maddie and had written her a coffee shop guitar song with a chorus that went something like “None of the other girls matter.”  I forget exactly.

Everyone was a little WhoaNoSheDin’tJustSingThat.  Especially Christi, who was really not having a good week.  But Rachel meant well.  I even put on my felt beret and finger snapped when she was done.  It’s a look that I might hold on to for Fall until it gets cold.

As the competition got closer, Christi got crankier, Ava fumbled around with her drizzly umbrella prop and Loree invited all the New Moms to lunch so they could discuss why everyone thought she was a traitor.

Side note:  Jeanette wore a Not-Forever 21 top in an interview sniglet that had a big knife gash across the chest, which I sincerely hope didn’t happen when she was alone in the parking lot wearing those booty shorts.  Maybe that’s why they always travel in packs.  I’d hate for anything to happen to any of them.

Should probably also mention that somedays Jeanette has some seriously curly Flashdance hair going on up there.  Just needed to be addressed.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like her.  She’s kinda crazy.  I’m just not sure what kind of crazy she is yet.

At the New Mom luncheon, two Old Moms snuck in as back-up for Loree.  Jill and Melissa joined them either to stir the pot or have some free wings on Loree’s dime, neither of which went over very well with the New Moms.

Apparently all the drama stemmed from the fact that the New Moms had been together a whole whopping TWO weeks before the hiatus and now Loree couldn’t understand why they still weren’t all Besties.

Two weeks?  Really?  Honey, when I was a freshman in college and lived in a triple at the dorm I didn’t even know my third roommate’s name for a month.  Take it down a notch.

Luckily, Melissa forgot to put quarters in the meter and the three of them left as soon as they got there, so not much was accomplished aside from leaving way too many untouched tasty appetizers on the table.

tami

Gah.  There are starving kids in Boston, ladies.

I don’t even know what kind of tulle ballet skirt looking thing Christi was wearing in the next MomPerch scene when she threw Jeanette to the Abby Wolves down in the studio, so we just need to skip this one completely.  I’m serious.

Bonus Points to Gianna for either being aggressively firm in her Pro-Umbrella stance or being a total beeotch when Jeanette tried to get the prop taken out of Ava’s dance.  The jury is still out on that one, but clearly…Gia don’t play.  Triple points, actually.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Umbrellagate.

Did they switch umbrellas in the middle of the routine?  Did they film two versions and fake out the part where it turned inside out on stage?  Why did it look like a lighter blue by the end of Ava’s dance?

So many unanswered questions that everyone posted on Twitter with incorrect spelling last night.  Oy Vey.

I dunno.  But Ava’s umbrella popped inside out like it does to me every time I come around the corner by Burger King.  You’d think I’d learn by now, because even when I don’t do a split into a belly arch my umbrella still reverses itself and I’m out another $3.99.

Yes, I buy the cheap ones from the Lotto place when it starts raining.  Don’t you judge me.

Backstage, Abby went bazoinkers.  Ava sat on her Mom’s lap (…what?…) and fanned herself with her hand like she was getting all verklempt at a Barbra Streisand concert.

I swear to Gawd she did that.

Get off yo’ Mama!  (Abby said that, not me…)

av1

Both group routines were comparable in skill set and level of difficulty (…and you said I could never be a judge…) but the New Team ended up winning First Place.  Again.

Which totally should have been given to Melissa and Jill for the MomDance they busted out in the seats.

I told them they should have been entered in the Duet category, not Group.  They never listen to me anymore ever since that one time I suggested Jill dye her hair blonde.  One time I mess up.  One time.

The Old Team came in Second, but only by 1/10th of a point, which I don’t even know how you’d calculate without one of Kamryn’s NASA calculators and eleven fingers.

Ava came in Third Place and had a really good cry backstage.  Some little girl they refused to show placed Second.  And then Maddie took home the trophy for her bluesy Blue’s Clues routine.  I snapped again with both hands (…Richy Jackson would have been so proud…) and then popped an espresso K-Cup into my new Keurig.

There were also some oddball editing moments where people’s hats were on and then off and then on again.  (Yeah…I’m talking to you, Ava.)

Somebody upstairs needs to stop staring at Tami’s a** and pay attention to continuity.

Holly’s hair never really held a curl this week, so you know the drama must have been pretty low key.  Next week looks a little more bouncy.

Abby invited Tea’ to come back to the ALDC again.  Which meant that Tami would probably also be back again.

Which meant that Tami just did the exact same thing that she dissed Loree for doing the week prior.  Now who’s the traitor?

And that loud church lady will be back, too.

You heard it here first.

And now I’m overheating just thinking about it.

Pardon me while I go fan myself.

hf

Dance Moms: If You’re Gonna Talk The Talk, You Better Walk The Dawg. It’s 3 Soloists, But Only One Star…For Now.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

cc

 

 

If I turn this way, you can totally tell I only had time to curl three pieces of hair before breakfast.

 

 

mack

 

 

I am phoning it in this week. Maybe what we need is fewer Girl Parties and more sugar.

 

 

hh

 

 

Nia in a dog collar? I swear, if that electric fence around the Moms wasn’t turned on right now…

 

 

m

 

 

The Ellen Show has a game where you fall in a box and are never heard from again. Hmmm…

 

 

jv

 

 

I got carded at the Teen Choice Awards after-party! And Zac Efron was totally checking this out!

 

hhh

 

 

 

Yeah. I know, right? Claire’s was having a sale. Look who’s wearing a trendy new headband!

 

k

 

 

 

 

Really? So this how we’re gonna play the game today?

 

s

 

 

 

 

I was wondering if you had one of those logo t-shirts in XS. And if you could make today suck any harder.

 

 

Here we go.

Another episode of Dance Moms.

And for the second week in a row, the New Team was MIA.  On hiatus, Abby called it. 

Just so we’re clear.  Abby spent the bulk of two seasons crossing the country looking for her new and improved Dream Team, threatening the Old Dream Team with their imminent arrival on a daily basis, auditioning them, training them, dressing them in ALDC tube tops and then ended up only using them twice before sending everyone on Spring Break?

Really?  Why didn’t somebody send me a text? I would have totally dropped everything and gone down to one of the Open Call Auditions if I had known it was only a two week commitment.  I never leave the house without my ATM card and some leg warmers, so that wouldn’t have been an issue.  Boy Scouts are always prepared, you know.

So yes, they were down a few dancers.  But no worries, because what they lacked in bodies this time around, they more than made up for in drama and headbands.

A lot of headbands, actually.  They were heavy on the headgear this week.

I blame that new girl Kamryn Beck for single handedly bringing back the noggin noodle.  She’s the one who was late to her first day at the ALDC because she was out in the parking lot notating the molecular density of a complex mixture of asphalt and mineral aggregates, trying to determine if the hydrocarbons were insoluble in carbon disulfide.

Seriously.  All I asked this chick to do was fill the damn potholes, not add another page to her resume.  Over-achieve, much?

We even got a quick flashback of the Kia Kamster listing off everything that she accomplishes in a day before I even get my a** out of bed.  Nice headband, by the way.

a1

As the Old Team scooted in for the Geometric Shape of Shame (…it wasn’t even a Pyramid, fercryinoutloud…) they were already down another dancer because Melissa and the oldest Ziegler were off in Hollywood taping The Ellen Show, where Maddie would be recreating the Sia music video.  This television appearance would give Maddie some serious national network exposure as well as give Abby the opportunity to say Maddie’s name like a mantra every 15 seconds for the remainder of the show.

Truth.  If you edit out the word ‘Maddie’ from this week’s episode there were only about 247 other words spoken for the entire hour and most of them were just Holly saying “OhNoTheyDin’t just put a dog collar on my baby” over and over again.

Count ’em.  I ain’t lying.

So the Pyramid of Shame was really just a square this time.  Maddie was on the bottom row because she was in Hollywood, which messed with my head because I thought the Pyramid was based on LAST week’s results, not the current week.

Poor punching bag Chloe was also in the basement because she fell during the “Broken Dolls” group routine.  I forget the exact ballet terminology for the move she wiped out on, but it sounded like when someone makes fun of how British people talk.

The final spot on the bottom was for Nia.  Ballet’s not really her thing either, but it doesn’t matter since we’re still in the International Year Of The Nia.  Snap in a Z formation.

The top row was home to newbie Sarah H., MackZ and Kendall.  Nothing earth shattering to report.  Sarah was still shaking.  Kendall didn’t appear to be breathing at all.  And MackZ get penalized for being short.  Thankfully her fish lip headshot was on the mirror or I would have completely forgotten she was on the show this week.

Abby announced that the gang would be heading to Shenandoah Valley for the Powerhouse Dance Competition.  Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos and the group number was entitled “Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves.”

na1

But not the hoochie kind of tramps.  Abby was quick to point out that these tramps were like Charlie Chaplin tramps.  So they weren’t dirty.

I dunno if it’s still fallout from that fiasco when the girls were all naked dancing with fans or what, but somebody in the Legal Department always seems to make sure Abby clarifies that nothing is ever dirty anymore.

Charlie Chaplin ate a shoe, but he wasn’t nasty.  Are we clear?

As the girls started rehearsing the not-dirty group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to discuss this whole Maddie Thang.  New Christ-y could already tell that Abby was grooming Maddie for super stardom and playing favorites.  Old Christi didn’t want to gossip, because you didn’t hear it from her, but she had heard that Sia’s studio called the ALDC looking for girls and somehow the whole thing ended up being an opportunity that was only offered to Maddie.

(Full Disclosure:  Old Christi also went on a Twitter bender after the episode and said that the show was edited and that she didn’t exactly say that exactly and that what she said wasn’t exactly…you know.  That also sounds exactly like I creep her on Twitter, which I don’t.  Because she won’t exactly follow me on Twitter.  So there’s that, too.)

My MomCrush Jill was understandably concerned that Kendall was once again only playing the role of Maddie and not really getting a chance to shine on her own.  I was understandably concerned that we were already three episodes into Season 4.5 and Jill hadn’t worn anything crazy yet.

I’m gonna need my girl to put on some ostrich feathers and throw a shoe pretty soon or we might have to break up.  I don’t wanna say I started something, but America lives for the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch.  I hope Daddy Vertes didn’t cut up her Chico’s card.

With three days to go before competition, Melissa and Mini-Sia were back in the hizzle bragging about their time with Ellen DeGeneres.  Maddie had slayed her performance, Sia had oddly faced the wall with her clothes on backwards for the entire song and Melissa had neglected to bring back even one postcard for her friends.

k1

Since Maddie was on another level now (…ALDC MindGames: The Sequel, coming soon to a theater near you…) Abby decided that Maddie should assist in the choreography.

That went over well as the solo rehearsals kicked into high gear.

Kendall’s prop was going to be a mirror and a big ol’ Phantom of the Opera scar on her right cheek.  Clearly, not just another pretty face.

Chloe had apparently somehow missed 4 years of dance classes and according to Abby was no longer a contender for the top titles, which made me want to immediately go and post a sad face on her Instagram account.  We love Chloe and her pouty face.

And then Nia came out in a dog collar and the party really got started.

Abby wanted Nia’s “Underdog” routine to be truly authentic, complete with barking and other canine randomness.  Holly wanted to go downstairs, take off her shoes and earrings and just lose her nutty but she knew how much Nia hates standing around in a dog collar and Petco leash while her Mom has a stroke.  So she didn’t.

And me?  Well, apparently I wasn’t paying attention in the beginning when Abby handed out the solos because up until this point I thought Nia was going to be the “Have no Fear! Underdog is Here!” cartoon.

Not gonna lie.  A little disappointed.

Holly was quick to point out that Jazz Dog Dances don’t win many trophies, which is exactly the discussion I was having over cocktails the other night.  What are the chances?

During another group rehearsal, I believe that MackZ and Sarah were somewhere in the building, but I didn’t actually see them.  Upstairs, Jill did some quick math in her head and realized that Maddie had somehow learned Kendall’s dance behind everyone’s back and wanted Melissa to fess up about how this keeps happening.

mz

Now I don’t know enough about home schooling to make any judgements, and I know people who are both for and against the topic, but when Jill pointed out that Maddie only goes to the kitchen table for one hour a day and Kendall goes to public school for 8 hours a day, I was all like Wait…What?

I’m leaving the debate for all the Gymboree chat rooms.  I’m not getting in the middle of this one.  All I know is that when I was in public school and I suggested that we only stay in homeroom for one hour and then go to the cafetorium and dance for the rest of the day, I got sent home with a note for my parents.  So I dunno wassup with kids nowadays.

But somehow Maddie got a private with Gia and learned the dance just in case Kendall disappeared in the woods behind the studio.

Chloe struggled a bit while practicing her solo because she hadn’t gotten to the studio until 3pm that day (…gah, school…) whereas Maddie had been at the studio since 8:30am.  Clearly the Ziegler Gurlz do their one hour of home schooling before sunrise while Melissa milks the cows out back in the barn.

And speaking of Gia.  She came in with the not-dirty-at-all Gypsy costumes and once again…one costume short.  No Tramp Tights for little Sarah.

Will somebody please dig through that landfill of a front desk and find Abby’s calculator so she can finally get a proper headcount?  Thank you.

Needless to say, Christ-y got all Not Very Christ-y-like and started to come unscrewed.

Side note:  Anyone else notice Christ-y’s hair?  I don’t know if she was in the middle of curling her hair when the Leggo My Eggos popped up or what, but she never finished.  It looked like when QVC demonstrates that contraption that gives you soft, luxurious beachy curls but they only do a few of them so you can see the Before and After difference.

h2

But it didn’t really matter, because the next thing you know Abby told Christ-y to pray to the God of FedEx (…good luck with that by the way, I try it every Christmas Eve…) and then all of the sudden she called Abby ‘Trash’ and got both herself and her tiny girl kicked out of the competition.  Again.

I swear it’s gonna be a race to see who has that stroke first.  Holly or Sarah.

Deep, deep…way deep…down Abby still has a heart I guess, because she felt bad and offered Sarah the chance to join them on the bus as long as her Mom didn’t come along.  Unfortunately, Christ-y wouldn’t let Sarah out of her sight and ended up taking her back home.  Where she has been “since birth.”

Which didn’t creep me out at all.

I guess four Dance Moms, five tweeny bops, a fleet of cameramen, two sound guys, my boy Director Jimmy and a bus driver who looks like Santa without a beard aren’t trustworthy enough to babysit Sarah for a sleepover at the Ramada.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Kendall’s costume was basically Maddie’s costume.  Jill was momentarily mesmerized by all the pretty sparkly stuff and it gave me hope that once the weather cools off a little bit, the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch will be back in full swing.

Nia’s costume was pretty elaborate and did kind of look like what you would expect a dog to look like if you put lipstick on it and let it do a Death Drop for treats.

Love me some Nia.  Even if it wasn’t the International…blah blah blah.  She’s awesome.

Chloe had on a leotard.  That’s all.  And an ALDC logo on her chest.  If Abby had thought to put “Kick Me” on her back with glitter glue she probably would have.  The only thing on stage lamer than her costume was the actual Powerhouse logo.  I don’t know why Abby has to be so mean to our little Chloebird.

j

All the solos went amazeballs.  I could totally relate to how hard it is to dance while holding a vanity mirror.  Just saying.

And can we all just take a moment to truly appreciate Jill’s face while Kendall was dancing?  What the What was going on there?  Mama likes, I guess.

Miss Nia got all Mad Dawg and got it done.  She marked every judge’s hydrant, if you know whaddimean.  Take that, Abby.  Who let the dawgs out now?

Chloe got even taller and more graceful than last week.

Results:  Nia 4th.  Chloe 2nd.  Kendall 1st.

The group routine wasn’t dirty at all and came in First Place.  There was also a special award given to the emcee for rocking that argyle sweater and TJMaxx hat.  (Don’t forget that Back to School sales are already in progress, people.  Shop early.)

Back in the Science Lab/Makeup Room (…Seriously.  How many people do you think Googled the word “Homeostasis” after seeing that construction paper ransom note all over the back wall?…) Abby was still being Abby.

They team did good.  Very good, in fact.

But never good enough.  Maybe they needed to be threatened all the time.  Maybe they needed a new dancer or two to keep them on their sickled toes.

Maybe Nia could make a few more of those reactionary backstage faces, because they were The.  Best.  Ever.

Augh.  New dancers again?

Ruh Roh.

dog


%d bloggers like this: