Posts Tagged ‘Mikey Minden’

Dance Moms: It’s Second Verse, Same As The First When Abby And Kira Go Another Round. Is It The Final Battle?

Friday, July 17th, 2015

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Chill. I’m just here to teach my student. And I was so excited to get here I forgot to put my pants on.

 

 

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Imma let you finish that last donut, Jill, but then I think you need to lay off the bus snacks. Dang.

 

 

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#OhNoSheDin’t.

 

 

 

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They say it’s a dry heat, but you know the minute I step outside Imma frizz up like a chia pet.

 

 

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#ToldYouSo.

 

 

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Imma let you finish, but Kendall K. had one of the BEST videos of all time. And her Mom’s hot.

 

 

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Now I know my hair looks amazing and all, but this blog doesn’t even make sense anymore.

 

 

 

Kidding.

About the donut part, I mean.

My MomCrush Jill doesn’t need to lose any weight.  She’s looking straight up fly these days, coming back from every commercial break with a new hairdo and climate-friendly LA ensemble in her confessionals.  Despite the fact that the aerosol emissions from this show alone are probably eating a gigantic hole in the ozone, Mrs. Vertes still somehow manages to keep it on-trend every week.

It’s just that the picture was too good to pass up.  I mean, c’mon.

Look at Holly all up in the back of Jill’s stuff like “How many Bump-Its you got on today, Woman?”  Timing is everything in the butt-shot screen-cap world, people.

Just don’t get me started on Kanye,  because I’m only allowed one big a** joke per week and I already used it at Jill’s expense.

But we love Jill.  And Jill’s multiple Bump-Its.  And Holly, of course.  Mad love for Holly.

So y’all relax.  I’m just here to make fun of everybody.

Which sets up a nice segue into this week’s episode of Dance Moms.

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The Road to Nationals: Mentioned within the first 24 seconds.  Jessalynn for the win.

All the Moms were back on the sidewalk outside 3rd St. Dance as the show started, wondering if Abby Lee Miller would even show up after last week’s (…self-imposed or maybe nah?…) Siberian exile.  Jill was drinking from one of those mysterious iced coffee cups covered in black electrical tape and poking everyone in the eye with the straw because she talks with her hands too much.  You ever notice that?

Jessalynn was incognito behind a giant pair of those blinged out sunglasses they always wear on Mob Wives until someone calls you a (bleepin’ bleep) and bitch slaps them off your face with a cocktail glass full of Grey Goose.  Melissa‘s hair looked nice, but she was acting like she hadn’t had her first cup of Joe yet.  Holly was selling tickets to her Michelle Obama gun show (…I swear Dr. Beyoncé must have a travel gym bag that came with those colored rubber tubes you tie around bathroom door knobs and a CD for bicep and tricep work.  Pow Pow…) and Kira, as always, was on the cutting edge of social media.

R.I.P. Pyramid of Shame:  Is that not a thing anymore?

Before they even entered the building, the Moms somehow knew they were headed to Phoenix this week for the Xpression Dance Competition.

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Arizona.  Kira and Kalani‘s home state.  Which meant that Kira had called up Kalani’s old dance instructor and asked her to choreograph a solo for her former student and that I had Googled ‘Ditat Deus’ because that’s AZ’s state motto and I don’t even remember taking Latin in 7th grade even though my report card says I did.

Ditat Deus:  It has something to do with how cost effective it is to fly an Arizona dance teacher all the way to California and then fly her right back to Arizona for a competition.

Through the magic of social media, Melissa and Kira also knew that the ALDC‘s dreaded arch nemesis Candy Apples would be at the competition in Phoenix.  After flying all the Apple Kids and Apple Moms from Ohio to California to rehearse for some reason and then flying them all to Arizona for the competition and then flying them all back home to Ohio, that is.  Because, you know…Ditat Deus.

I swear this show is a test.  Just put down an answer.  Don’t worry about how you got it.

Speaking of.  Next thing you knew, we were at the International Dance Academy down the street somewhere, getting reacquainted with the Candy Apples Contingent.

Everyone except Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein, that is.  The leader of the Evil Dance Lair was nowhere to be seen.  Just like Abby, who we had not yet laid eyes on.  So that’s 2 for 2 if you’re keeping score.  And no explanation given on this disappearance, either.

But have no fear.  The CADC would not be wandering aimlessly, bumping into each other on stage, because in came Jeanette Cota to save the day!

Insert RyanLochteFace here: ________.  Jeeeeahhhh!

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Dat’s rite.  You heard me.  Ava‘s Mom, her crazy hair and even crazier shortest shorty shorts evah were in charge of the entire Candy Apples production this week!

(Spoiler Alert:  Don’t get too attached to that shorty short title, honey.)

You remember Ava.  She’s the pretty, pretty lengthy dancer that Abby tagged as a Praying Mantis.  Which is totes mean, BTW, but not as mean as the hit that other girl with the big ears took that night in the back hallway.

Side note:  That was a joke.  We’ve already had this Who’sGotTheBiggestEars discussion a million times.  So hate tweets, please.  And keep your voice down around Chloe.

Because…you know.

Bonus Points to Chloe’s Mom, Liza, for that Power MallWalk she took down the hall when she was chasing after Abby that night.  Remember that?  That one still gives me Life.  You go, girl.  You go and check out the sale windows at Kohl’s.  We’ll wait.

I’m going to assume that Jeanette got the fill-in job because she runs her own dance studio back in Michigan.  Which means she probably flew all the way from Michigan to Ohio, found the CADC building empty, got back on a plane and flew to California to meet up with the Apple Moms.  Which also means she’ll probably fly back to Ohio with them to help unpack all their (…Spoiler Alert #2…) Björk tutu dresses and then board yet another Delta 747 home to Michigan.

Racking up some serious Frequent Flier Ditat Deus miles along the way, of course.

This show.  I swear.

And what’s the deal with all the frizzy hair at Candy Apples now?  It can’t just be a coincidence.  Is there a box to check off on the applications now?

You’ve got Jeanette on the days she doesn’t flat iron.

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And Melanie, who still owes me for the soda she knocked over in a Boston foodcourt.

mh2And this Mom, who either really likes that razor slice necklace or just can’t get it off, because I’ve never seen her not wearing it around her throat.

fz1And this lady, who’s actually a famous person and a test to see if you’re even paying attention or just skimming all my hard work and looking at pictures.

Shakira-575x359Side note:  The name of Jeanette’s studio is JC’s Broadway Dance Academy.  Like the guy from ‘N Sync.  He’s so dreamy, right?  Even though he’s like 74 now.

Back at the temporary ALDC studio, Abby finally showed up after a week’s hiatus.  At least physically, anyway.  Mentally, she kinda reminded me of myself when I get my drowsy and non-drowsy allergy pills mixed up on the weekends.

(Srsly.  Is it really that difficult to make them in different colors, CVS?)

No Pyramid.  No talk.  No fun.  Nothing.  Just dance class.  Just like the Moms had been asking for ever since Christi threw that Slushie in Leslie‘s face down in N’awlins.

Something ain’t right with that woman.  And it’s not just fatigue from picking out Home Depot switch plate covers for the new ALDCLA.

And then Alexa Moffett showed up!  Kalani’s old dance teacher arrived to snap her former student out of her dance funk and to also snatch that shortest shorty shorts EVAH trophy right out of Jeanette’s sweaty hands.

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Srsly.  Did you see those things?  Or…could you even?  I’m going to assume Alexa didn’t drive to the studio, because there was no way she could fit keys in there.

But we really liked Alexa.  First when she was out back talking to Kira, figuring out a plan of attack.  And then even more so when she finally got up the nerve to fix her wedgie and go face-to-face with Abby in the studio.  Before she even spoke her first word, Alexa had already been on screen longer than Tessandra Chavez had last week.  That was a plus.

You might remember Alexa from Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  Or a billion other things, including her OVER ALL win for Disney’s SHAKE IT UP competition, where she and her peeps beat out 60,000 other entries for I dunno know what.  But she won.

And she’s really cute, even though she slouches more than I thought a dance teacher was supposed to slouch.  But that could just be me after seeing too many Boston Ballet students waiting for the subway in 4th position.  Who knows.

Alexa also has that sorority girl kind of hair that you comb through with one hand over the top of your head while you’re holding your iPhone and a Starbucks with the other and somehow the part magically changes sides.  And you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Note to Chloe Smith:  The song on Alexa’s website really blasts when the screen first loads.  It’s Star Wars music or something.  So be careful.  Because…you know.  Ears.

After a few seconds of gratuitous chit chat, Abby finally looked up from her phone.  Alexa looked at Abby.  Abby said “So what’s your story?”

And then Alexa said “I’m just here to teach my student.”  

And the gravitational pull of the Earth momentarily shifted.

Holly and her #EmptyChair were all like…

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Jill was all like…

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 And then she was all like…

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tumblr_mqprgc5cBC1sd5i8po1_500Alexa ain’t scared of no Abby Lee Miller.  Or her contract, which Abby tried to pull up on her phone to prove I don’t know what while Gianna noted that she had not approved Kalani’s music, since I guess she is now in charge of iTunes DRM copyright clearance or something.  Sometimes the editing on this show, combined with sitting too close to my television, just gives me brain static.

Somehow, through the magic of shorty shorts, Alexa swiped control of Kalani’s solo right out from under Abby and Gianna.  No contract.  No arguments.  No pants.  No nothing.

No idea how it happened, either.  But she did it.

Side note:  The girls from both teams actually did some rehearsal dancing in and around all this hilarity, but it paled in comparison to the drama.  So just trust me on this one, because we’re already going OT on the recap.

Finally, it was Showtime!  In beautiful hot, humid, gross Phoenix, AZ.

Backstage, Gianna and Abby were still eerily silent as they sat and watched Alexa (…who had traded in her shorty shorts for a more formal dress with no front and no back…) run Kalani through her no-acro solo.  Our girl was getting her mojo back.  You could just tell.

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On stage, Ava nailed her crazy leg ‘Praying Mantis’ routine.  Followed by Kalani, who definitely got her money’s worth during ‘The Investment.’  Not gonna lie.  Both girls know their shizz.

As everyone prepped for the group routines back in the dressing room, Gianna and Abby started doing Dance Math again.  Five minutes before curtain showtime.

11125348744_2a75b75427_bSuddenly Kalani was too old and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was just right and Mackenzie showed up just in time to drop the team’s average age down a notch because I don’t even remember her being in the first 52 minutes of the show at all.

I swear these girls will be 42 years old and still somehow performing in that damn Junior category.  I don’t know how Abby does it, but clearly she’s no better at counting birthday candles than she is at measuring carpet squares and getting her freakin’ ALDCLA studio open before 2017.

Needless to say, Kira and Kalani flipped out.  Maybe Kira a little more than Kalani.  But enough was enough for both of them.

After reliving their last epic meltdown, thankfully sparing us another shot of Abby in her Lane Bryant undergarments…

ab1(Psych.  There it is again.)

…Kira was done.  You could just tell.

But not until the group routines were performed.  At least according to the version they showed on my TV.  The Twitter version says the opposite.  Leave me out of it.

The CADC girls danced their ‘Famous Infamous’ routine in tutus that I really thought had carrots sewn into the halters straps for the first 32 counts, until I realized they were supposed to be swans.

Like this.

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But actually more like this.

3404005The ALDC girls, on the other hand, didn’t dance in any form of poultry and yet managed to make it out of ‘The Panic Room’ just fine, actually taking First Place for their performance.

Ava scored 4th and Kalani took First Place like a rockstaaah.  Alexa got all ToldYouSo.

And then it all got bad.  Really bad.

From this point on, I don’t really know what happened.  Everyone has a different version on how it all went down.  Before the awards.  After the awards.  During the awards.  On the bus.  Off the bus.  Under the bus.

All that really matters is Kira and Kalani quit at some point.

And that’s not cool.  At all.

Everyone started screaming and crying and quitting and threatening to quit and un-quitting and re-quitting until my palms were so sweaty I couldn’t grip my own shorty short trophy from high school.  Yes, I have one.  And I earned it, thank you very much.

And then Kalani cried and it was all over.

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Our girl was gone.

For good this time.  I think.

As they walked off into the sunset (…was Alexa’s dress on backwards?…) everyone was bawling and trying to figure out what had just happened.

akkGoodbye, Kalani.

If you’re really gone, we miss you already.

Muah.

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Dance Moms: It’s Kidz Bop And Death Drops When Shangela Returns To The ALDC. But What Happened To Abby?

Friday, July 10th, 2015

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I know, right? That chick is wearing pigtails again. Isn’t she the same age as Miley Cyrus now?

 

 

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No, I’m serious. Is somebody gonna move this gold statue? It’s starting to freak me out.

 

 

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I don’t remember yo Mama’s hair being so on point the last time. It’s Chica Mica on Fleeka. Halleloo!

 

 

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#ThatsMyBaby!

 

 

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#TakeYourOwnSelfie

 

 

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I swear to Gawd I’ll block my own mom on Twitter if she screws up my hair again next week.

 

 

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Just so we clear. When you’re this Fabulous, even yo’ fleek is on fleek. Mmmkay, girl?

 

 

 

Hello?

Anybody there?

Can you hear me?  Anybody?

Waldo?

1407167638732Carmen Sandiego?

carmen_sandiegoAbby Lee Miller?

Insider-Abby-Lee-Dance-MomsWhere the hell is everybody?

Not on Dance Moms, that’s for sure.

It was quiet this week in City of Angels.  Eerily quiet.

Probably because Abby Lee Miller was gone.

Not RIP gone.  Sorry.  Don’t get your hopes  up, all you people on Twitter who spend more time worrying about a reality television show than about what you’re gonna feed your own kids for dinner tonight.  You know who you are.  And don’t some of you have jobs or new grandkids or…I dunno…television remotes with a channel-changer button?

(Got that weekly rant out of the way extra early this time.  I feel better already.)

I mean MIA gone.

Like nowhere to be found.

And she took the Pyramid of Shame with her, apparently, because as soon as the credits rolled we were already 17 stories up in the 3rd Street Dance Studios wondering where everybody was and how Mackenzie already has over 2 million Instagram followers.

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Seriously.  Did you see her laying there on the floor clicking smiley faces and “like” hearts while everyone else was worried that Abby’s lifeless body could be laying in a ditch somewhere under the northbound 14 overpass?  😂 Hysterical.  We ♥ Mackenzie.

Or MackZ.  Or MackenzieBoo.  Or whatever her name is this week.

Even the Moms were having issues with Abby’s no-show status.  Especially my MomCrush Jill, who was justifiably concerned that Abby’s absence could adversely effect the upcoming seven day celebration known as Kendall Vertes Week.

Drinking Game Alert:  Slam one back every time Jill mentions that it’s “Kendall’s Week” and then find yourself a nice park bench somewhere to sleep off that bender.  I dare you.

Side note:  The way she was going on and on about it, I was a little concerned that banks and post offices would be closed during this newly christened national observance, because I always wait till the last minute to cash my payroll check and then try to float rent every month.  But false alarm…they’re open.  Just be aware that buses and subways are running on a limited holiday schedule.

Speaking of.  Jill, I mean.  Not me bouncing checks…

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch: Honestly, I don’t even remember what she wore this week because I was too busy trying to keep track of all the hairstyles that kept popping up on my screen like Mackenzie emojis.  I mean…whoa.

There was NewBigHair Jill.

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And AerosmithGroupieRockerChick Jill.

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And ShortHairWithFrostedSideSweptBangs Jill.

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And I don’t even know what this thing is so I’ll just call it PTABakeSaleFlashback Jill.

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How’d she get all them fancy hairstyles in one week?  How does that even happen?

I mean, I know how it happens with a Pretty Growing Hair Barbie if you inappropriately stick your finger up under her pink Mad Men dress, find her belly button…button…and yank on her ponytail like you’re snatching somebody’s weave in a Target parking lot.

But how does all that happen to a real human being in 60 minutes?

(Forty two minutes if you subtract all the Magic Mike XXL commercials.  I’m starting to think that Lifetime ladies are just dirty girls like the rest of us.)

It was like somebody was using the same CGI special effects you always see in action hero movies or something.  Like she’s really just wearing one of those old lady bathing suit caps and they’re green screening her hair on during every talking headshot.  Not that seeing Jill shoot laser beams out of her eyes would be a bad thing, of course.  It might be even cooler than watching her throw a shoe while wearing a cowboy hat in 3D.

But I doubt it.

One….Yes.  Kendall’s Mom IS pretty much my hero.  And Two…Please don’t tell me I’ve been crushing on an imaginary LucasFilm Jar Jar Binks Jill all this time.

Side note:  It’s true.  I love Jill almost as much as she used to love me until I started stalking her online and retweeting this MomDance gif every other week.

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Side note 2:  Kidding.  Stalking is bad.  This gif on the other hand?  Hilarious.

Side note 3:  No.  I did NOT play with Barbie dolls when I was little.  My sister did, thank you very much.  I was all about Captain Action back in the day.  Did you know that his Spider-Man costume in mint condition now goes for enough bank on eBay to cover all that rent I’ve been bouncing?  Keep your toys in the original packaging, kids.

Trust me.  Just do it.  Never play with your toys ever.  Sacrifice your childhood.

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Anyway.  Where were we?

Oh, yeah. A Programming Note:  For tonight’s performance, the role of Abby Lee Miller will be played by Gianna Martello and her ombré highlights.  Please do enjoy the show.

Since there was no Abby in the hizzle, we zoomed right past the Pyramid and let “G” assign solos.  Cuz that’s what the Moms call her, you know.  G.  Cuz she’s so gangsta.

Like a G-6.  Sippin on sizz.  Imma make it fizz.  Poppin bottles at the crib.  Google it.

To shake things up at the competition this time, EVERYONE  was getting assigned solos.

Wha–?  That’s crazy.  Everyone?  So not only was it Kendall’s Week…but it was also Solo Week!  Which means that for the next month and a half we’re going to hear the word “Nationals” so many times you’re gonna want to pull out your own Ariana Grande clip-on by the time we get to the Reunion Show.

Brace yourself.  The Road to Nationals begins now, folks.

We’ll cover who got what solo at some point, I’m sure…but right now we needed to scoot over to the recording studio and see what sort of Fabulousness my boy Mikey Minden was about to spray in our unprotected faces, because it was time for The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia to put on a funky chapeau and get working on her new rap song.

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Clearly, this #StarInYourOwnLife Acela train is showing no signs of slowing down any time soon, so you might want to secure those Louis Vuitton carry-ons in the overhead compartments before anyone gets hurt.

This week, Mikey fabulously hugged everyone and then fabulously introduced us all to Music Producer Andrew and some very nice lady with no name when Nia and Holly arrived for a Skype call with singer Coco Jones.

You remember Coco.  She sang a song on that Dance Moms Holiday Special right before Abby gave Nia Sioux all those pots and pans and told her to get back into the kitchen and bake her a cake.  Coco also hosted that sleepover slumber party thingamabob where all the ALDC girls ate too much candy and then tried to see who could text a boy fastest with one hand.

Coco was also on some Disney something or other movie, because that’s kind of a thing with this show lately.  I blame Todrick Hall.  Who’s awesome, BTW.

Basically, Nia and Coco Skyped and got all excited to meet up soon while Holly just sat back and made a bunch of ProudMama HollyFaces.

We love Holly.  When she gets excited she just needs to watch what she’s doing, though, because she almost slipped in some of the Fabulousness that Mikey dripped on the floor.

Back at the temporary ALDCLA, the Moms were still wondering if Abby would ever show up again after last week’s massive blowout with Kira.  Jill was concerned that Abby was neglecting her duties as Kendall’s manager (…especially important during this National Kendall Week when her new single was dropping on iTunes…) and I was concerned that if Abby never returned, the last thing I would remember was seeing her in a bra.

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So there’s that.

Side note:  I think I forgot to mention that Kira and Kalani came back after storming off to Arizona last week.  And that JoJo with the BowBow was performing at Disney’s Kidz Bop this week, whatever that is.  And that I saw Abby Lee Miller in a bra.

Because I did.  And still do.  Even when I close my eyes.

Side note:  As each girl rehearsed their respective solos, I hope everyone was paying close attention to all the subtle zingers that Gianna was tossing at their heads like grenades.  You haven’t won lately?  You got beat by who last time?

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Best.  SideEyes.  Ever.

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And then this happened.

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Shangela Laquifa Wadley arrived, bitches.

IMG_1231Halleloo!  Nia’s Death Drop Mentor busted through the door just like I do when my skinny jeans still fit on a Monday.  And the crowd went wild.

Remember back in Season One when Shangela first taught Nia her signature move and almost gave the kid an aneurism?  That was a moment for the Time Capsule.

This time, Holly had called up Shangela for help with Nia’s rapping skills.  Because, I mean, what good mother doesn’t have at least one drag queen on speed dial for just such an occasion, right?  You never know when you might need to lay down an eight count bar or duct tape a leaky pipe.

Are you kidding me?  Shangela on speed dial?  First Mikey Minden and then Aubrey O’Day and now Laquifa What?  Can I just live in Holly’s iPhone for one day, please?

Gurrrrrrl.

Shangelas was all like flippin’ it.

tumblr_nr54r3B1yO1tb8iyko2_500And posin’ it.sw1And werkin’ it.

tumblr_nr54r3B1yO1tb8iyko4_500And giving me so much Life that I just ’bout did this on my living room floor…

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To help Nia Sioux channel her Inner Snoop Dog, Shangela had brought along a blinged-out necklace that was kind of a cross between Flava Flav‘s clock and one of those tiny DIY chalkboards they sell at Crate & Barrel to identify what kind of cheese balls you’re serving at a party.

After ceremoniously placing it around her neck, Shangela and the the Royal Family of Frazier announced that, from this day forward throughout the land, Nia Sioux’s rap name would be Chica Mica.  All hail Chica Mica.

Whose eyebrows are on Fleeka.

Foshizzle, Jill was groovin’ on the dope a** beat dropz, but she didn’t seem very happy that Shangela was taking up valuable studio time during National Kendall Week.  Let’s just say that it was an issue for the remainder of the episode and keep it moving.

Side note:  There was also a lot of discussion surrounding whether or not Melissa knew where Abby was this week, what she was up to and why she wasn’t answering her cellphone.  I guess some friends of the Ziegler Familia had gone out with Abby the night before but refused to turn her over to the authorities, so Melissa stuck with the story that she had no idea what happened to Abby and then (…according to Kira…) somehow ended up calling herself a liar before running out of the room.m1

Melissa also firmly stuck to the story that all the other Moms were being big bitches before she slammed the door.  Honestly, I was too busy thinking of words that rhymed with ‘Fleeka’ to really know what was happening for a few minutes.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time to fix that nasty gash in the Sheer Talent backdrop.

You see that thing?  It looked like a human head went through it during some frantic acro jazz flip gone awry at the last competition.  Sheer Talent keeping it klassy with a giant bandaid and some pink paint.  That’s how they do.

Sorry.  Not even close, folks.  So not cool.  Especially since it was right down there where all the kids were crawling and flipping and flopping all day.

Side note:  I’m pretty sure that if they can give Jill Vertes 23 different hairdos in one episode, somebody could have pixelated out that eye sore in post-production.

Kalani’s ‘Reign’ choreography fit her perfectly.  Plus she looked like one of the ladies you always see on a deck of cards in Vegas, so bravo.  Mackenzie performed to ‘SuperStar’ in an attempt to get her to stop dancing “so little” even though somebody gave her more kindergarten hair again.  One step forward.  Two pigtails back.

National Kendall Week continued with a ‘Welcome To My Life’ introspective routine that Jill wasn’t loving from the second it hit the stage, mostly thanks to Abby’s lack of support.  Nia Sioux had much better luck with her ‘House of Voodoo’ performance, thanks in part to a crazy good costume and Skeletor makeup.  And mad talent, of course.

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Maddie was head to toe gold spray paint during her ‘Golden Girl’ dance, which was ok I guess, though I had hoped for more of an homage to Sophia, Blanche, Rose and Dorothy.

And then some kids won some stuff.  And right before Nationals, too.

MackZ took First Place and then finally took out those stupid pigtails.  Kendall snagged Third, Maddie came in First, Nia scored Second (…which was huuuuuge according to Mom…) and Kalani was back on top with First Place.

I probably forgot to mention that there were 27 different age categories, which is why none of that scoring probably made any sense.  My bad.

Maddie did manage to get Abby on her cellphone at some point after the awards were handed out, but it was pretty insignificant so I can’t remember much of what they said.  Abby sounded all messy, tho.

And then the Moms fought some more.

Nothing compared to last week, because everyone kept their tops on.  But Jill still got mad at Holly for taking advantage of opportunities.

Which made Holly get all like…

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…again.

And then it was Jill’s turn to say “I’m Done!” before heading out the door with two roly poly suitcases that kept tipping over.  Five seasons later and I swear that slapstick routine never gets old.  Wheelie luggage is just not meant for dramatic exits.

And that’s all I got for this week.  It’s over.

I think we drag (…queened…) this one out as long as we could.

So just go now, please.

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Dance Moms: When It’s Abby vs. Kira, Hold On To Your Hard Hats And ALDC Tops…And Maybe Cover Your Eyes.

Wednesday, July 1st, 2015

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So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #BigHairDontCare.

 

 

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I swear to Gawd my mother didn’t have that much hair on her head when we left the hotel. WTF?

 

 

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Just keep drinking. As long as everyone thinks it’s coffee we can get through the day without a fight.

 

 

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It was a nice dance, girls. But honestly, that topless woman running behind you is a bit distracting.

 

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Officer Girard here. Put out an APB on Miller. We lost her, but at least she’s wearing a bra today.

 

 

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Gurrrl. Mama’s ’bout to use somebody’s head to pound in nails and finish this pokey a** project

 

 

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So much yelling and crying and Mama Drama this week. But you know what? #StreakOnFleek

 

 

 

Safety first.

Trust me on this one.

I realize it might mess up your new big hair, but you should all probably put on your complimentary Dance Moms logo hard hats before we get started this week.

And even though protective headgear is only an OSHA requirement when visiting active construction sites, in all honesty I would probably keep it on for the entire episode, just to be safe.  Because I have a feeling somebody’s gonna get hurt before we’re done here.

So, yeah.  Hard hats and supportive undergarments.  Just do it, please.

It’s now Week# IDon’tKnowWhat and Abby Lee Miller and Crew are still in California, still hoping for some big wins and still waiting on the completion of the still not ready for prime time ALDCLA MotherShip.

Slowest.  Construction.  Ever.

Side note:  For those of you who watch Real Housewives of Atlanta, I swear this pokey a** job site is another Chateau Shereè.  For those of you who don’t (…and what’s wrong with you, BTW?…) I swear this pokey a** job site is that pothole in front of your city’s elementary school that still hasn’t been repaired in over 6 years even though at least one kid a day bumps his head when the bus drives over it.  Every city has one.

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The Good News:  The ALDCLA Clubhouse finally has a ceiling now.  That’s progress, right?  Enough so that Abby could finally bring the gang over to see how the construction was (…or was not…) progressing this week and get a tour of her new digs.

And to rush through the Pyramid of Shame: Sheetrock and Exposed Beams Edition.

According to the general contractor…

CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC, David Hodo (standing), 1980, © Associated Film Distribution…the project would be completed in three weeks and the ALDCLA could open for bidnezz.

Looking around the empty space with its open floor plan and 2×4 stud work still begging for insulation and union-compliant electrical work, it was hard to believe.  But he’s the general contractor, so I guess he’d know best.  The project was (…allegedly…) still moving forward.  Because you can’t stop the music, right?

cantstop02That was fun.

Ok.  One more, since you’re begging.

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Now I’m done.

As Abby ran through the team’s latest list of losses, it was immediately obvious that Mackenzie was MIA.  Is it me, or do we need to attach some form of GPS locators on these Ziegler GirlZ lately?  I swear we’re gonna find one of them all alone just wandering the mean streets of Hollywood one night, looking for their Kids’ Choice Awards trophy.

And that worries me.

But speaking of.  MackZ was off filming an episode of Nickelodeon’s Nicky, Ricky, Dicky, Banana Fana Fo Ficky & Dawn Show, whatever the Fo F***y that thing is.

(I just got older right in front of you.  And I’m horrified.)

I guess it’s a pretty big dealio for anyone who’s never owned a black & white tv, because everyone was smiling and clapping and a few girls on Twitter got exceptionally wound up.  But all those smiles quickly disappeared as soon as Abby started in on the technical issues and blah to the blah from last week’s competition.

Issues which, according to my MomCrush Jill, could be easily addressed simply by having the girls take dance classes every day like they used to do back in PA.

Screeeeech.  I was wrong.  Stop.  The.  Music.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  The Hair.  Lawd Almighty.  The Hair.

Now I know we got a glimpse of Jill’s new streaks and extensions and grown out/blown out ‘do last week, but this week was the Big Reveal.

No warning, tho.  Nothing.  Just all of the sudden Jill was all like…

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…and my laptop overheated.

Mama V was Beat.  To.  The.  Gods.  Hunty.  Which is a good thing.  RuPaul says so.

After I splashed some cold water on my lap…top, we were back to the Pyramid Pics, which were dingle dangling off a piece of plywood like notices reminding you to wear steel toed boots when pouring concrete and to not hire minors for heavy lifting after 9pm.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and Mackenzie.  The middle row was filled up with The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia and Kalani.

Which meant that Maddie was back on top, even though she was still suffering from Ellen/Saturday Night Live/Sia burnout.  Luckily, taking the lead away from her baby sister helped score her some much needed Pyramid Points.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  These kind of happen all the time now.  Some pretty subtle.  Some right in yo’ face.  So I think it’s time to retire this gimmick, since it’s pretty much a given that somebody somewhere is going to mention it within the hour.

Plus, adding Pretty Little Liars to the list now is just too much typing.

It was fun while it lasted.

This week the gang was headed to Fresno, CA for the Believe Talent Competition, which Melissa looooves because she clapped and said so.

Kendall, Nia and Maddie all scored solos, which was good news all around.  The group routine was going to be a 1950s inspired musical theater number entitled ‘Dance Bop’, which Melissa also loved because she said so again.

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I’m not sure if she was referring to the title or the actual dance stylings, but Melissa sure loves a lot of things.  Just not responding to my tweets, apparently.  Ahem.

Since everyone agreed that it was probably not in the kids’ best interests to be doing backflips in a studio with no retaining walls to keep them from rolling out into traffic, we all scooted back to 3rd St. Dance to rehearse this week’s routines.

As the girls got to doing their thang in the studio, the Moms were all back in that video monitor room getting fired up about the lack of dance classes being offered to the team.

Kira was (…Spoiler Alert: already…) exceptionally fired up and decided to call LA choreographer Tessandra Chavez.  Who just happened to be in her speed dial.  Just like how Aubrey O’Day is in Holly‘s speed dial.  And like how Maddie is in Shia Labeouf‘s speed dial.  And like how I’m in nobody’s.

Tessandra is the choreographer to the talent show stars.  She’s done America Idol,  SYTYCD, X Factor and even Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition back when Kira and Jessalynn used to punch each other out at that glue gun crafting table every week.

While we’re on the topic…this week’s Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  I swear she’s gonna make me wet the bed before the season is over.  If she tours with Kathy Griffin this fall I’m going to have a stroke.

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Personally, I remember Tessandra for having bangs that are cut too short.  But that’s just a thing with me that I’ve never been able to get past since my first bowl cut in kindergarten.

Anyway.  Calling another choreographer and asking her to teach a class at another director’s studio without asking any permission whatsoever before you make the call.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Abby left the building right around now to go pick out some carpet swatches at Home Depot.  Because, you know.  Carpeting is key if you’re building a padded cell.

The next day, the girls hit their solos and it even smelled like they hadn’t been to a technique class since they left Pittsburgh.  And don’t get Abby started on sitting on yoga balls.  Honestly, I don’t even think she remembered to pack them she’s been such a mess lately.  But in her defense, they probably sell yoga balls at the gas station in California, cuz that’s kind of their thing.  That and rollerblading and just being LA Fab.

There was also a little sniglet about stretching classes and the lack thereof, but every person in that studio is more flexible than I am so we’ll move right along.

To when Tessandra showed up the next day.

Of course it was drama.  Of course there was no security and of course Tessandra managed to climb 12 flights of stairs and walk right past 53 camera guys and whoever it is that keeps giving Gianna those ombré highlights.  And of course Abby pretended that she had no idea who she was when Tessandra walked in.

But all that really mattered was Holly’s face.  I mean…c’mon.  Look.

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I don’t know if she was reacting to the bangs, the outfit or the fact that Abby was pretending to have no clue who this woman was…but it doesn’t matter.

It was Classic HollyFace.

If this was an animated show, Holly’s eye balls would’ve popped out on bouncy springs.

Needless to say, it didn’t go well and Tessandra turned right around and left the building.  Hopefully her Uber was still idling curbside, because if she paid for parking she must have been pulling her short hair out when the cameras stopped filming.

Side note:  Melissa talked to Maddie outside for a few minutes while she (…Melissa, not her kid…) was holding a silver can all covered up with black duct tape.  I’m going to assume it was a Diet Coke because I don’t think even Melissa can slam a Colt 45 at 10am.  We love Melissa and Holly.  I think I forgot to say that this week.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Critique On Stage Time again!

Yup.  Believe was one of those newfangled competitions where you dance and then stand on your SecretSoda tape mark and get immediate feedback from the judges.

Not gonna lie.  I got a pretty excited thinking that maybe Rachelle Rak was gonna be back biting some apples and jumping out of her chair like a Price Is Right lady again.

That bitch is crazy.  We heart her.

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But no such luck.  This time the judge was a very nice lady in a pink outfit who had hair like you see in Bridal magazines.  She was nice, but not even close to being worthy of a trademarked ‘Sas’ tee shirt.

All three solos went well and got fairly good feedback.  They all did a great job if you ask me, but Nia looked amazeballs in her silver costume.  Knowing how she werk’d that #StarInYourOwnLife music video, I secretly wish Abby would finally just admit defeat and give my girl some kind of Rhythm Nation lyrical routine that I promise will make everyone’s head explode.

And speaking of.  You might want to put your hard hats back on.

Because backstage after the solos, it all went downhill.  Fast.  Like Abby vs. Kelly fast.

Except it was Abby vs. Everyone fast.  And then Abby vs. Kira DeathMatch fast.

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Tick…

The Moms pointed out that every critique received from the pink judge with the fancy hair only reaffirmed their concerns that the ALDC team was not getting enough technique classes now that they were in LA.  Which Abby processed as overstepping boundaries and criticizing her skills as a dance teacher.

Even Nia tried to explain that they all want the same things, but Abby shut her down before she even finished her first sentence.  Then Kira piped up, saying something about balance and bringing some PA to LA.  (Which I’m pretty sure has never been uttered by anyone ever in the history of ever…ever.)

Tick…

Abby said she doesn’t like “Mommies playing dancing school.”

And then BOOM went the dynamite.  And the waterworks.

Kira:  “Well I’ve done it for 14 years and that’s why my child is the dancer she is.”

Abby started crying.  Everyone was like ‘What’s Happening?’  The girls all rushed to Abby’s side with kisses and huggies, which she rejected like a true Toddlers & Tiaras princess.  Just like this…

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Except for Maddie.  She took Maddie’s hugs.

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Kira lost her nutty.  Don’t you dare.  Abby lost her nutty.  Call MattyB.  You’re kid would rather be with any other Mother here than you.

Wait.  What?

Kira chased Abby into the hallway, screaming for Kalani to come back so they could leave.

Special shout out to what I guess were two catering people or something who were coming up the stairwell and got caught in the cross fire.  One jumped over the railing and the other one just put her head in the corner like some self-imposed Timeout.  Did you see that?  I wish their faces hadn’t been blurred out.  Hilarity in the middle of all this tragedy.

Christi…I mean Kira…was done.  DONE.  (Srsly.  Has any Dance Mom not said that yet?)

Abby crossed the line and said she doesn’t want Kalani hanging around with somebody like Kira who is sleeping with a man she’s not even married to and…

Wait.  What?

Melissa told Kira to get back inside the room.  Kira told Melissa to go to Hell for some reason.  Holly shoved every kid she could find into the secret bagel curtain room like the building was on fire.  Dr. Holly activated full HollyMode.

Side note:  Remember when Holly took charge after Kelly slapped Abby?  It was just like that.  Once a flight attendant, always a flight attendant, I guess.  Everyone to the nearest exits!  Bring your blow-up vests!  And that bag of gummy bears!  Go!  Go!  Go!

Side note:  Was it just me, or were there a lot of men walking in and out of that back doorway that was clearly labeled women’s dressing room?  Didn’t anybody try to stop them or was everyone more concerned with those two cafeteria people who were still trying to get back downstairs?

You’re not gonna believe what happened next.

Abby busted back out into the room just wearing her bra for some reason.  I swear.  Just her bra.  And she was all like…

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Or maybe it was more like…

abBut, whatever.  It was a bra.

Kira was all like WHOA.  Hold up.

kgJill swallowed her gum and yet still looked amazing.jb

Jessalynn totally got all…

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Holly didn’t say it or do it, but you know she was thinking it.

hfwAnd Melissa’s eyes burned so bad she got hysterical blindness like on General HospitalmbSupposedly there’s some urban myth that Abby always swore to take her top off if she didn’t want to get filmed.  Or beat up.  Or who knows.  The internet went spaz and somebody screamed to take the cameras off Abby’s underwire.

Or maybe that was just the Inner Voices in my head.

I dunno.

All I know is that all the people that hate this show kept watching and then talked smack online until I got too tired to creep them.  Why are they still on this channel again?

Don’t you have jobs?  Or books?  Why do we have to have this discussion every week?  Most of you are old enough to go to an R-rated movie by now.  Gah.

Side note:  I forgot to mention that when Abby first came into the room with just her ALDC or E cups hanging out that she was accompanied by some gentleman with his face all blurred out like their double wide trailer had just been raided by the PoPo on COPS.

You see dat?  The PoPo.

You can’t make this stuff up.

Well, I can.  But you can’t.

I don’t even know what happened after that.

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Abby left.  Mackenzie showed up somehow.  Does she have her license now?  How’d she even get there?  I’m so traumatized I can’t even find a good picture of Mackenzie right, so just look at JoJo in her yellow outfit.  She’s cute.

The group dance happened without Abby and then ended up only coming in Third Place.  Like Maddie, who also came in Third Place with her solo.  Melissa clearly doesn’t love Third Place as much as she loves a good 1950s doo wop.

Nia took 4th.  Kendall took 5th.  It was just not a good day all around.

And then it was over.

Q.  Will Abby walk through the door tomorrow?

A.  Probably.  But hopefully with her top on.

I’m exhausted.

And so done.

DONE.

Or like Abby said when she disappeared into the sunset…

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