Posts Tagged ‘Mikey Minden’

Dance Moms: When It Comes To MDP Drama, You Know The West Coast Is The Best Coast. Abby vs. Erin…Again.

Friday, June 26th, 2015




Grandma ’bout to go off on that little girl back there who’s tryna steal your pink bow/side pony look.






What? That noise? I’m sorry. I can’t hear you over the sound of my hat being so awesome.






So you just spray the s*** out of it and then rat it all up? I’m totally trying this on my kids tonight.






First I lose the receipt for the doll. Then that crazy chick cuts all the hair off. What the–?







Look, honey. I had a baby while you were dancing…and she looks just like a tiny Priscilla Presley.






I swear to Gawd. These people. Not even that much common sense. Am I asking too much?






I don’t know who writes this thing, but I swear it’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. Hashtag: TotalCrap.




Today’s off-topic Dance Moms lesson:  Geography.

Specifically, the states over on the right side of the map.

They are part of what is called the East Coast, which is generally defined as those states bordering the Atlantic Ocean, although Vermont does not actually touch water and only a very small part of Pennsylvania does.  I mean, like very small.

Like I had to enlarge the Google Map five times just to see if I was being punk’d by Wikipedia.  I swear, it’s the tiniest little piece of land evah that apparently meets the Delaware Bay way down at the bottom somewhere and probably maxxes out at 27 people on a good beach day.

But it counts as the Atlantic Ocean somehow.  And that’s all that matters, because not only does it qualify Pennsylvania as an Eastern State by default, but it also makes the following East  vs. West hip hop rivalry comparison almost make sense despite the excessive amount of time it took to actually get to the point.

Almost.  The More You Know.

The Notorious B.I.G vs. 2Pac?

Forget it.   ah

I’m talking the new East Coast vs. West Coast.

The ALDC vs. MDP, yo.  

Abby Lee Miller vs. Erin Babbs.

With Ms. Miller and her team finally, kinda sorta relocated to Los Angeles in anticipation of what has thus far been only an imaginary unicorn named ALDCLA, the Moms and girls were already hunkered down at 3rd St. Dance bracing for their 3rd Straight Face-off with Erin’s Murrieta Dance Project as soon as the credits rolled.

As the girls all stretched out in some random room that I swear had giant bags of restaurant rice and a case of 16 oz party cups sticking out of the closet door (…did you see that?  What was all that stuff behind Mackenzie‘s head?…) Maddie was still having trouble digesting the fact that she had come in second to her own sister at last week’s Center Stage competition in Anaheim.

Side note:  Personally, I was still having trouble digesting the fact that every one of these girls is already shlepping around their own Louis bag when they still have baby teeth.  But I digress.  And it’s not like I want one for myself, because I don’t.  I’m more of a Burberry Charcoal Check kind of guy, even though today I brought my lunch to work in a GNC bag.

But still.  Duh.  Louis Vuitton.  Haters gonna hate hate hate.


Side note 2:  That is also totally how I picture the fake Louis factories that make those knock-off bags they sell in Times Square, even though I have no proof whatsoever that they actually employ child laborers.  But, c’mon.  Tons of kids with no shoes on, crawling around the floor, surrounded by a million Louis Vuitton bags with the stuff all falling out of them.  Go back and watch that scene again.

And then contact my lawyer if I’m lying.

The two little Ziegler SisterZ went a few rounds until Maddie grabbed Mackenzie by the base of her neck the same way Hulk Hogan used to do right before he slammed ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage‘s face into the corner post of the wrestling ring.   I’m pretty sure she was about to bear hug the oxygen out of her lungs in the name of sisterly love until Abby broke it up for the Pyramid of Shame.

Saved by the Yell.

Bottom of the Pyramid was home to Kendall, JoJo and The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia.  The Middle tier was taken up by Kalani and Maddie, because Kalani had been just meh last week and Maddie had nearly shattered the Time Space Continuum by losing to somebody and then making a scrunchy face while she checked her Instagram likes.

Which left the top spot wide open for MackZ.  Applause all around.


This week the gang was headed to Fierce Talent Competition in Calabasas, CA.  But before Abby could even hand out solos, JoJo piped up and announced that her Grandma, who was battling Stage 4 colon cancer, was flying all the way to LA just to see her dance.

So could she, you know…get a solo?  Not to be greedy, but because she loves her Grandma.  And it could be the last time she gets to see her dance.

And because cancer sucks.

Needless to say, everyone got a little sniffly.  Yes.  Even Abby.  Who got all like…


…and immediately gave JoJo with the BowBow a SoLo, no questions asked.

But then she got all like…


…and immediately kicked her out of the group routine so she could focus on that solo.  So Cindy Lou…Who…knows how that lady thinks sometimes.

Kendall scored the remaining solo, which would be the one she was supposed to perform two week prior when Abby had no-showed with the no-costume.  With an additional 14 days to rehearse, that thing better be perfect by now.  Understood?

The group dance, entitled ‘Voices In My Head,’ would be led by Mackenzie even though it was supposed to have gone to Maddie.  But Maddie lost last week.  So there you go.

Let the punishment fit the crime.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  The first one was very subtle, but by the middle of the show it was all about the SiaFace.  And The MaddieFace.  And even (…Spoiler Alert!…) The MackenzieWhateverFace.


As the girls got to rehearsing and the Moms headed out to that mystery room with the satellite feed, we scooted over to join the MDP crew for an outdoor bootcamp class that was being held uncomfortably close to the edge of the LA Freeway.

Srsly.  You see that?  The Moms were literally watching it from the breakdown lane.  One bad backward crab crawl and somebody could have ended up being the lead story on last night’s KTLA news.  And they were on an incline fercryinoutloud.  Does Lifetime not even have a legal department anymore?

Speaking of getting sued.  The MDP group routine was going to be a full-on Abby-bash called ‘Monster Under The Bed’ that got all the girls diabolically giggling the minute Erin diabolically announced her diabolical plan.

Not gonna lie.  Because they all have the exact same MDP hair and MDP face, it was a little spooky when they all started to MDP laugh at the same time.

MDP of the Corn.  Google it.

Back at 3rd St., Abby was putting Mackenzie through the hoops with her group dance lead role.  A little rough, but she threw her a bone once in awhile.  In a backhanded compliment kind of way, she even acknowledged that “Your dance was very pretty…”

“…for you.”


Good thing a commercial came on after that one.

Side note:  Except that it was the same kid in two different commercials.  F’real.  With two different sets of parents.  Like my head isn’t already spinning during this show.  Especially when tonight’s episode of Dance Moms was brought to you by Sea World, which made no sense at all.  (Remember the vintage episode where Kelly Hyland called Abby ‘Shamu’ because she was wearing a black and white ensemble that looked like it came with a whale spout?)

I really don’t remember much after this point, so I’ll be making stuff up as we go.

The next stop was lunch with Jessalynn, JoJo and Grandma Cathy.  Who.  We.  Love.

It was a short scene, but so positive and so full of SiwaLove that you couldn’t help but get a little misty.  Grandma has the best attitude and best smile and by the time JoJo started to cry I may or may not have gotten some dust in my eyes that made me blink.

Really fast.


Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  Even when she’s talking about two kinds of cancer, chemo and waiting for a waitress who’s taking waaaaay too long to show up with the drinks, Jessalynn just gives me side cramps.  I wish I could remember the exact day when she went from nut-job to stand-up, because she is a riot.

(Spoiler Alert:  And quite a fashionista when it comes to accessories, I must say.)

Real quick:  Erin gave some little MDP nugget named Caylie a solo and almost made her hyperventilate.  Really.

And then Jessalynn put on her Big Girl Hat.

576563672 Ok.  It was more like this, maybe…

h1 (1)But it was awesome.

And made no sense whatsoever.  Which made it even more awesome.

Even my MomCrush Jill was all like WhatTheHell’sThatOnYou’reHeadGurl?” even though she only thought it and didn’t really say it out loud.  But you could totally tell just by the way her hands were going everywhere.  Her Bump-It even fell out half way through the scene she was so traumatized.

jOr maybe jealous.  Because you know how Mrs. Vertes loves her headgear.

This whole show does, actually.  Even though the kids can’t keep a hat on their head to save their lives during a performance, the Moms do love their dome decor.

Remember Engineer Jill?  All aboard the Vertes Express.  Toot Toot.

d5Or Sick Of This S*** Cowboy Jill?  Where’d my other shoe go?

d12 And don’t forget Dapper Chapeau Jill.  ‘Ello, Gov’na.

d23And you know how Dr. Holly always likes a good topper that can go directly from a morning of backyard gardening to Coachella.  She doesn’t wear them much anymore though, now that her hair is so on point.  We love Holly.  Did we mention that already?

dance-moms-season-5-episode-6-holly-hatAnd this hat, of course, which has nothing to do with anything.  But it’s faaabulous.

That wasted enough time that we need to skip right to the MDP again to catch up on their American Girl Abby Dance.  Because that’s what it was now.

Erin had dropped by the Galleria and picked up one of those Revolutionary War dolls that the other Moms were pimping out into an Abby Lee Miller bouffant.  As hilarious as that was, the really hilarious part was that Erin gave it to a Mom who looked exactly like the doll.  Who was sitting next to another Mom who looked exactly like the first Mom who looked exactly like the doll.

Not gonna lie.  I may have momentarily lost track of which one was actually getting their hair teased into one of those Jack It To Jesus poofs because there was so much activity going on behind the scenes.

And I’m being serious.  I challenge you to tell me which one of these plucky brown-haired chicks comes with a Colonial dress and a comic book:


Back at the ALDCLA (…to nobody’s surprise…) Abby replaced Mackenzie as the lead in the group dance with Maddie at the very last minute.  I guess a First Place Face still trumps a Second Place Dance when it comes to competition day.

Side note:  The Moms had the same ‘Stick Up For Your Kids’ discussion with Melissa they had last week, so we can skip right over this latest one to save some time.  Plus, you know how I go out of my way to avoid all the dramzzz that everyone else seems to love on Twitter.

Side note numero dos:  Speaking of.  How do these people have that much time to tweet and retweet and smack talk and talk smack about a television show when I can’t even get my recaps out on a timely basis?  Don’t you have jobs?  Or new grandkids?  Or cable?

Here’s a thought:  Hate the show?  Change the channel.  You’re welcome.  I just saved you at least one hour a week.  Think how productive you can be now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Knowing that she couldn’t compete with Jessalynn’s Big Girl Hat this week (…I mean…who could, really?  You see that thing?…) Mama V had been laying low until the bus pulled into Calabasas to unleash her new multi-colored, multi-striped MTV meets Get Your Hair Did With Your Kid Day meets I don’t know what Aerosmith hair in her confessional shot.

I heart Jill so hard.  Rock on, bitches.

But like her new ‘do, I’m gonna need a week to process.  Remind me next episode.


Now let’s wrap this bad boy up.  Warp speed.

Erin showed up with a cluster of Welcoming Committee balloons right after Kira knocked over that fabric partition contraption that always hides all the bagels.  No clue what Kalani’s mom was doing back there, but thankfully she still had her clothes on when the divider fell over or I’d be coughing up coins for Lifetime’s new Adult Pay-Per-View.

Abby had Maddie go out into the wings and pretend that she was warming up for a non-existent solo, just to make poor Caylie start hyperventilating for the second time in as many days.  It worked, but I’m pretty sure Erin has some MDP-branded inhalers in her dance bag.  Everything else had a logo on it.


JoJo did a great job on her solo, but didn’t place.  But it didn’t matter.  She danced for her Grandma and everybody cried.

Even Abby admitted that it wasn’t about winning.

It’s true.  I had to rewind that part just to make sure I heard her correctly.  She said it.

Kendall’s solo only scored Second Place, which would have been ok if she hadn’t been sitting on the choreography for two weeks.  Abby was not happy.

Unfortunately, the MDP’s MonsterMash beat the ALDC (…is it legit “–LA” yet?…) in the group category for the second time in three competitions.  And Abby hated that.  A lot.

Naturally, the whole thing spilled out into the hallways like a bar brawl and everyone got overheated.  Some MDP Mom had dropped an F-Bomb when Caylie wobbled in her solo and the ALDC Moms couldn’t stop talking about it.

Which led to something about how proud you must be of your MDP Mother.

Which led to some MDP Mom saying that Abby’s Mom must be so proud of her, too.

Which led to Abby pointing out that her Mom was dead.

Hashtag: Dead.

I got nothing after that.

Is it hot in here, or is it just California?


Doll down.


Dance Moms: When It Comes Down To Maddie vs. Mackenzie, There’s Enough Mama Drama To Knock Your Hair Off.

Friday, June 19th, 2015




I know, right? It popped off like she was one of those glitter babies from Toddlers & Tiaras.






This would be a lot easier if I was still sitting in the kitchen sink giving myself a pageant spray tan.






It literally feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Or it could be the bow.







Turnt Up. Turnt Up. My Weave is with my Girls…Layin’ on the Dance Floor.







She snatched that mofo thang right off her own head. I’m the one who should be crying, honey.






All the money I’m paying this woman and she’s still going online for synthetic? Gurrrrrrrrl, pleez.






Honestly, I don’t understand any of these weave jokes. I just know that big hair makes your butt look smaller.




Lawd have mercy.

Dance Moms, I swear.  This episode was snatched.  Literally.

And you know how much I love a good weave joke, so let’s not waste any valuable time and just get this party started right now.

Week Two of what I assume is finally kinda sorta full-time LA status for Abby Lee Miller & Co. began just like it did in the last episode, with all the Moms and kids loitering on the sidewalk in front of the 3rd Street Dance Studio getting ready for the Pyramid of Shame.

That appears to be a thing now.  Meeting up at the street level entrance with a bunch of half empty Dunkin Donuts Iced Coffees, I mean.  Or at least until the new studio is open for bidnezz, anyway.  Which, BTW, seems to be taking freaking forever to complete.

For.  Ev.  Ah.

Seriously.  The Mystery Studio.  Haven’t we been talking about this move to Los Angeles ever since Brooke skipped out on rehearsals and went to cheerleading try-outs?


(Full Disclosure:  That may or may not be a photo of the actual tryouts.  But the girls are wearing my old high school colors, so it’s kinda sorta the same thing.  Plus, I miss the Hylands and nobody is making you read this.  So sue me.)

Anyway.  I don’t know if there’s an issue with the studio gas meters or asbestos removal or if they’re just holding out for a new season of ALDC:Cribs for the Big Reveal.  But c’mon, people.  You gotta be paying the floor guys triple overtime by now.

Side note:  I have no idea where the Lifetime Limoliner drops them all off in the morning, but these Moms certainly had to walk far enough just to get to the studio door.  Anyone else notice that?  It was a pretty quick camera shot, but long enough for me to notice Melissa checking herself out in the reflection of an appliance store window while my MomCrush Jill tried to catch up to the other ladies by running like she was signed up for one of those Drag Queen high heel charity races.

Don’t leave me back here with Kira!  Wait for me!  Sissy that Walk!

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  You try hustling down W. 3rd in skinny jeans and wedges while carrying a 32 oz. plastic cup, your kid’s dance bag, ten pounds of Louis Vuitton and two feet of Bump-It.  Try it.  Then maybe we’ll talk.

And the cup had a straw in it, too.  So it was almost like she was running with scissors.

Jill’s an icon.  Your arguments are invalid.


As the girls headed up the 17 flights of stairs to their rented space, the Moms all chilled a few more minutes curbside to catch their breath and wonder out loud if the LA air was once again going to make Abby go insane.

I don’t know the actual medical term for terminal jet lag (…unless the term is actually just “terminal jet lag” and I’m making things harder than they need to be by using the word “term” five times in one sentence…) but something about being three hours off her normal eating/sleeping/screaming cycle had really done a number on Abby the last two times the ALDC visited California.

Spoiler Alert:  Third time ain’t gonna be any different.

As everyone filed in for the Pyramid, Abby was actually in the building this time.  Present and accounted for, Sergeant Vertes.  At least physically, anyway.

Mentally?  Not so much.

Side note:  As long as we’re on the subject, you can still purchase Sergeant Vertes’ new Wear Em Out music video right here if you haven’t already, even though I’m pretty sure the only person on the planet who hasn’t coughed up some coins and downloaded it by now is Taylor Swift.  Feel free to Google that one if you didn’t get the joke.

Because it’s yummy.


(Bonus Points to the soldier in the background who was all like Dat’sItI’mOuttaHere as soon as Cougar Abby started tickling those underage tummies.  Don’t Scratch.  Don’t Tell.)

Since Abby would clearly rather be revealing sweaty military six packs than shiny tweeny bop 8×10 glossies, she’s been flying right through the actual Pyramids the last few weeks, so we might as well do the same and only hit the high points.

The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia was on the bottom because last week’s solo had only been awarded a 5th place trophy.  By itself, that wasn’t very newsworthy, but the new and improved Nia Sioux’s politely worded, maturely delivered “If I had more opportunities, maybe I would have been better at it” BooYeah got everyone’s attention as well as a couple of near church faints from a few of the Moms.

Not gonna lie.  Part of me wanted my girl to just start unclipping some of that new hair and go all Jerry Springer on Abby’s a**.  But Dr. Mama didn’t raise her to be like dat, so no chairs were harmed and/or thrown during the discussion.  I don’t know what kind of Wiley Coyote ACME machine Aubrey O’Day put little Nia through during those recording sessions, but when she came out the other end on the conveyor belt she was a well spoken young lady, I must say.

With just enough of a subtle sassy undertone to make me a little verklempt, of course.


#StarInYourOwnLife.  And then tell your mother she doesn’t have to wear her cross body bag like that when she’s inside the building.  That’s how people wear them the first time they ever take the New York City subway without their husbands.

It’s ok.  Nobody’s gonna snatch yo’ chapstick inside 3rd Street just because you made eye contact with a stranger, ma’am.  You can let go of your purse now.

Srsly.  How much do we love Holly?  Werk that maxi-dress, gurl.

The rest of the Pyramid was the usual.  I don’t think the whole thing means very much anymore since we blow through it so quickly each week.  Even when Maddie tumbled from the top to the bottom it was still all just meh.

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart/Big Girls Cry Reference:  Yeah.  There’s a third one now.  Hold that thought.

This week the gang was headed to the Center Stage Dance Competition in Anaheim, CA.  JoJoWithTheBowBow, MackZMusic and SiaBeYaMaddie all scored solos and Melissa scored some really big beachy hair in her confessional talking head segments.

Do The Math Time:  This meant that Melissa must have either gotten new hot rollers or one of those curling irons that rotates in both directions for the perfect summer curl AND that Maddie and Mackenzie would be competing AGAINST each other for the first time in the history of I don’t know what.


Ziegler vs. Ziegler?  Madness, I tell you.  Mark my words…Chaos in the streets.

Spoiler Alert:  I’m pretty sure Melissa was way more excited about her new hair than she was the prospect of pitting her two kids against each other in a cage match.  For a number of reasons.  Some clear.  Some not so clear.  And some clearly made up online as the evening progressed.

Elephant In The Room:  Was it editing?  Was it bad attitude?  Bad parenting?  Was it the three hour time difference?  All of the above or none of the above?  From this point on, the internet never quite recovered from anything and everything that went down between Melissa and her children for the remainder of the episode.  But take it up in the comment section or the chatrooms if you’re about to explode.  You know the rules around here.

I mean it.  I have enough trouble keeping track of my two iTunes passwords and the extra long one for my modem, much less creating 20 more for every chatroom that burst into flames during this episode.  I’m an equal opportunity Snarkster, thank you.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  We just covered that topic.  Don’t even tell me you weren’t paying attention.  Or worse…skimming.

Programming Note:  If you haven’t time-stamped your DVR yet, do it now.  Because right here is also when it started getting crazy and never stopped.


The group routine was being choreographed by Travis Payne.  You heard me.  The same Travis Payne who worked on Michael Jackson‘s This Is It! Tour before MJ passed.  A little gig he picked up between dancing on Janet‘s Rhythm Nation Tour and winning three MTV Video Awards.  Totes jealz.

Of him.  His dancing.  And his exceptionally airbrushed internet headshots.  It’s like the guy has no pores online.

And of course he brought along Beyoncé‘s backup dancer Aisha Francis because she’s Beyoncé’s backup dancer so why not.  She toured with Queen Bey and even co-created the “Crazy In Love” Booty Dance.

That makes two of us, bitch.

Moral of the Story:  Everyone went crazy.

Especially Abby, who snatched her own weave just for something to do.  I swear.  Like BLOOP and it was completely off her head.

And then she played with it.  Like a furry chew toy or something.

It was one of those little wiglet ones that babies wear in kiddie pageants that look like a cross between guinea pigs and Star Trek Tribbles.  So she took it out all crazy like…

w3  And then it kinda turned into more of this…


Until she just went completely Nutella and ended up playing with it all like…

Wences03 (1)

No words.

Luckily, by the time the girls had to work on their solos the next day, Abby had figured out the tag goes in the back and was once again sporting a giant poof.  All was right with the world for a few minutes.  But just a few.

Maddie’s solo was a Go-Go Dance tap routine that she already knew somehow.  Not to diss Maddie (…since the internet took care of that for me this week, thank you…) but I never realized that there was more than one tap dance even available out there for people to perform.  I swear every time I’ve ever seen anyone tap dance I thought they were doing the same dance.  Is it just me?

I mean, I know you can heel-toe-it a few times and make those big arm circles, but other than that.  Am I wrong?

Mackenzie’s solo was another acrobatic sumthin sumthin with more mature choreography and fewer mouse and bee costume changes.  I think she’s finally growing up, despite those two big Ellie Mae Clampett ponytails that Melissa insists on incorporating into every routine.

And the third routine would give JoJo the opportunity to be a Rebel Without A Cause…if she could ever stop crying.

That’s right.  Abby made JoJo cry when she busted her for using “Master Class” terminology in some Facebook post promoting an upcoming Meet & Greet.  Making the assumption that JoJo’s Dad didn’t earn enough money to cover the mortgage probably didn’t help the situation either.  But Travis came to the rescue out in the hallway (…which totally looked like the same hallway that goes to the Olive Garden bathrooms…) and gave JoJo one of those motivational pep talks that Mike Brady always gave Jan.

You can do it, champ.  Now put your glasses back on.


That bow big enough?

As all that hilarity was ensuing, the Moms were getting updated on Maddie’s third Sia music video that had just debuted on the internet at 4am.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  This Hollywood trip is comedy gold.  If she doesn’t bring her One Woman Show to the Wang Theater in Boston this fall, I’m going to be very unhappy.

Sia texted Melissa just as the Moms were starting to cluck like hens.  I’m going to say that there were approximately 419 HollyFaces this week because there’s no way I could count that fast during these MamaMoments.  At least 86 of them were during this video conversation.  That much I know for certain.

Shia LaBeouf even texted Maddie at some point for some reason, but hopefully not at 4am because that would make even Chris Hansen squirm in front of the Dateline cameras.  I’ll stop here before I get inappropriate.

And then Kira said that everyone else said that the video was boring, which opened up a whole new can o’ worms.  Melissa said she didn’t care what little kids had to say.  And then Holly made some HollyFaces and Jessalynn did another couple minutes of stand-up.

1….What is Kira doing up at 4am in a strange new city anyway?  2…Why does Shia LaBeouf need Maddie’s cell phone number?  3…Why is Maddie’s phone nicer than mine?  4…And why did Melissa just diss a billion 10 year old girls who have the words and choreography to every Sia video memorized when she knows there’s strength in numbers and they could rip the whole front of her new million dollar mansion right off with their bare hands if they all got together after a One Direction concert?


She knows they’re all still emotionally fragile since Zayn left.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Well, after Travis gave Abby some of THE best Side Eye ever seen in the choreographical world, that is.  I don’t think Abby will be interrupting our boy again any time soon.

Then it was Showtime!  And time for Abby to snatch her weave again.

But at least this time it was for a good cause.  Turns out that Maddie’s Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In bouffant bump wasn’t big enough, so Abby’s Tribble jumped from one head to another just like it did in the Starship Enterprise’s kitchen.  A couple of MacGyver bobby pins and a prayer later…Nancy Sinatra was born.

These boots are made for tappin’.

The Short Version:  JoJo’s Biker Chick rebel even had an arm tattoo and received an Abby Lee Miller High Clap.  Mackenzie’s Surfer Acrobat received the Abby Lee Miller ‘Close To Perfection’ blessing and I almost spit my soda out.  And Maddie’s tap routine almost knocked that same damn weave out a third time.

You that thing bouncing?  She had Muppet Head.  There.  I said it.

I don’t know which Muppet.  I forget.  But it’s the one who popped up and down out of a hole while he was singing with Kermit and his hair kept flapping around the whole time.

As opposed to waacking around.  Which was one of the style of vogueing dances incorporated into the group routine.

Waacking.  The More You Know.

kk (1)

And how ’bout dat group dance?  Awesome.

Travis nailed it.  The girls looked amazeballs in his new (…coming soon!…) line of dance wear.  Half Ariana, Half Janet and completely not lyrical…the ALDC killed it.  They even whipped the hair and hit the Nae Nae…mmmkay?

And then the Awards were handed out.  Which you knew were a big deal because some girl brought out one of those big sticks from iParty that you pull back like a hunting rifle and then confetti pops out.  Money’s no object for Center Stage.

JoJo got 3rd.  Maddie got 2nd.  Mackenzie got First.

Wait.  What?

You heard me.  Mackenzie beat Maddie.


And everyone freaked.  But not all in the good way.

This is also when all that editing or not editing drama came into play.  It was a hot mess.

Did Melissa really diss Mackenzie and say that Maddie should have won?  Did Maddie diss Mackenzie by not being happy for her own sister and copping an attitude?  Was Maddie really mad that she ‘only’ got Second Place, which is usually the First Loser?


Why was everyone rolling their eyes and making so many faces?  They know they’ll never beat a HollyFace.  Why was everyone crying and sulking when we know the Moms love and support all the kids?  And why did Abby say that Mackenzie was already working on her second record when they’re not even called ‘records’ anymore?


Fercryinoutloud.  It’s 2015, woman.

This is also when I’m glad this recap has gone on way too long and I can end it without having to deal with any of these issues.  I’m still not big on having any adult conversations.

I get nervous whenever they pop up.

Which reminds me.

You should totally watch the Dance Moms SuperFan Takeover shows that are running after the normal Dance Moms episodes.

I find them to be slightly hilarious.  Just saying.


The End.

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Dance Moms: They’re Baaack! Let The West Coast ALDC Adventures Begin. It’s KendallK In LA…Wear Em Out, Girl.

Wednesday, June 10th, 2015




Yaaaaaaaaaaaas! Rodeo Drive! Sunset Strip! Hollywood Blvd! Mama and her Amex are home!






I can’t believe I sat in coach for 2,500 miles just to find out I’m the most normal one in the bunch.






I can’t even see through the eye holes. Who keeps coming up with this crazy s***?



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Left Right Left strike a pose, oh oh. Mom stop wearing my clothes, oh oh… No. Srsly. I mean it.






So, yeah. She had more people at her premiere, but I had way more hair. Let’s call it a tie, mmkay?







No way. You just answer the survey and they give you a free Whopper? This one’s a keeper.


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Gurl. You see that mess? I don’t need a doctor’s note to tell me White People Are Crazy. Lawd.






OhMyGawd. Please tell me you can’t see up my skirt in that Beyoncé video.




They’re baaaaaack!

It’s Dance Moms: West Coast Addition.

No photos, please.

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Welcome to the ALDCLA.

Brace yourself for the time change, because all the MamaDrama and DancingTrauma that you’ve come to love in Pittsburgh will now be coming at you three hours earlier.  At least for the foreseeable future anyway.  Hollywood or Bust, baby.

After threatening and/or bragging about it for the past 17 seasons, Abby Lee Miller finally uprooted her team and moved everybody to California this week to launch the second location in her ALDC Empire.  It took a couple of trips, but now it’s actually happening.

And third time’s a charm, right?

The last time we saw everyone, the Real Housewives of Pittsburgh were all dressed up at the mid-season Reunion Show giving Jeff Collins some upper lip sweat as they rehashed the first 18 weeks of the season and phutzed with their holiday party hair.


Well, actually, that’s not even true.

The lip sweat part is true.  Because that totally happened.  The Moms freak him out.

Side note:  Did you know that Jeff used to grocery shop for Leeza Gibbons?  Or cook her dinner when he was her butler or something.  I forget.  I only skimmed the Wiki page, but it was something like that.  How awesome would that job be?  You totally know she requires the crust be cut off all her sandwiches.  You can just tell.  It’s always the nice ones that are high maintenance.  She won Celebrity Apprentice, BTW.

Anyway.  The last time we actually saw everyone together was down under during their Australian Tour.  But apparently I missed out on some of that hilarity.  Or all of it, maybe.

Clearly, I slacked on the Aussie adventure and I’d like to personally thank the Twitterverse for publicly shaming me and making me feel all like…


Basically, you missed a bunch of exceptionally cute koala bear photo opps, Maddie wobbling a turn that momentarily crashed the internet (…NewsFlash: She’s Human…) and my girl Nia Sioux (…that’s her new name now, I guess…) dancing like Janet Jackson.

Because Miss Frazier if you’re Nasty.

You might have also missed Mikey Minden being Fabulous.  That’s his thing, you know.  It just kinda happens, even when he’s sitting at traffic lights drinking a Starbucks.

And, of course, Jessalynn making some of the best crazy audience faces EVAH during Nia’s FrazierNation dance.  You missed all of those.  And they were awesome.

But you can clear your DVRs now.  Because you’re caught up.

For the third time, the Moms arrived in California only to find out that the new ALDC location still wasn’t ready for occupancy.  It wasn’t clear why, or when, or if the place would ever get a second coat of primer, a working door, a sign that wasn’t scotch taped to the window and a certificate of occupancy from Ryan Seacrest (…he still owns Los Angeles, right?…) so once again we were back at 3rd Street Dance for another Pyramid of Shame.ap

Don’t get me wrong.  It’s a nice enough temporary base of operations, but going up and down those 8 flights of stairs every morning has got to wear a girl out.  No wonder nobody points their toes anymore.

As everyone headed to the penthouse for Pyramid, Holly was still basking in the glow of Nia’s Australian concert as my MomCrush Jill began getting herself worked up for Kendall‘s own upcoming music video premiere.

Let’s get all the contractually required business out of the way early…

Abby’s Weekly Sia Chandelier/Elastic Heart Reference:  Jill actually brought it up this week and it happened before anyone had even made it though the front door.  I forget why she even mentioned it.  That’s how fast it happened.

Jill Vertes Fashion Watch:  Speaking of.  Jill seems to be transitioning quite nicely from Muppet feathers to breezy summer weight cold-shoulder tops.  The warmer California climate has to be a challenge for anyone who likes a good furry Star Trek vest and a popped collar.  I feel your pain.  Luckily, whatever Jill had to give up in layering pieces she clearly gained in Bump-It height.  Because that thing was closer to God than I’ve ever seen it.  And it scored the DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval.

Melissa Ziegler-Gisoni Hair Watch:  Looks like somebody brought a GlamSquad with her all the way from Pittsburgh.  Hollywood likes MamaZ.  Half Jill Vertes/Half Ariana Grande, Melissa’s ‘do was definitely catching up to her new found LA fashion sense.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  This is a new one.  She is a freakin’ riot.  Period.


Unfortunately, before the Pyramid could even begin, Abby had the first of what would prove to be many unexplainable Moments of Lunacy (…Spoiler Alert: The working title for Holly’s second book…) as she dumped the entire contents of her Old West saddle bag onto the floor in search of earrings.

Because if you’re going to lose your nutty, it’s important that you’re properly accessorized.

Side note:  We all know how everyone involved in this show has been overloading social media lately with complaints about editing and blah and blah and whatever and blah.

That’s why they call it social media, people.

But I’m sorry.  That hot mess of a bag didn’t have anything to do with editing.  Or fights with producers over creative differences.  Or even Star Wars CGI graphics, though I did half expect Jar Jar Binks to fall out of that black hole eating a cookie when Abby dumped it upside down.

Srsly.  There was a leftover Chips Ahoy with a bite taken out of it, some lady things that probably should have been blurred out like they do with Melissa’s mouth when she swears, enough scrap paper for a Coachella bonfire, a ziplock Baggie with whoknowswhat inside, half a kitchen junk drawer and even an acrylic fingernail that, thankfully, wasn’t still attached to anybody’s finger.

ab And then a commercial for this.  Hilarious.


I see what you did there, Lifetime.

After Jill and Melissa dug through the Prada Landfill and found enough stuff to win the weekly Collins Avenue Scavenger Hunt, it was on to the Pyramid.  Which, after all that build-up, didn’t really matter much on the first week back.  Especially when this recap is already half over and we haven’t gotten anywhere yet.

The only thing I will mention is that Abby pointed out Maddie was on top of the Pyramid for one reason:  Her Humbleness.  And her insistence on including all the girls in her  world-wide success.

Which is actually two things.

Clearly, ten minutes in and Abby was already as messed up as that bag.

This week the gang was headed to another Energy Dance Competition.  Everyone but Abby, anyway, as she announced that she would probably not be attending the event.

Here we go again.

She rambled something about a contractor who shows up at the new location every day except Tuesday (…random…) and then I got so distracted by how flat her hair was that I stopped paying attention.  Guess somebody forgot their hot rollers back in PA.

The ‘Shame On You’ group routine was going to be a poorly veiled dig at Nia (…I think it was when she called Nia a traitor that I figured it out…) even though Abby initially kept the theme a secret from everyone.  Nia also scored a solo, entitled ‘Master Of Disguise’ where she was going to wear two masks on top of each other (…making her Two Faced, get it?…duh…) even though if you count her RealFace it would come out closer to Three.


Nothing really made sense this week.  Let’s just call it what it is.



Speaking of faces.  I couldn’t keep track of the HollyFaces.  And I didn’t even try.  Going forward, I really need to figure out some kind of spreadsheet or Apple watch app or something if this is how we’re gonna play it for the rest of the season.

Gah.  We love Holly.

Kalani and Kendall also scored solos.  But all that mattered right now was Kendall’s music video premiere!

Before the premiere, the Moms did attempt one last united front when they approached Abby to try and convince her to come to the competition, but she ended up telling them that “This is America. We don’t have to do this.  We don’t have to be here.” which made so little sense that I dumped my own purse upside down and almost went to bed.

Honestly, ever since Vivi-Anne did her Fourth of July Citizenship Dance I don’t even know what’s happening anymore.


sal And as long as we’re saluting…

It was time for Kendall’s military-inspired video to premiere at Universal CityWalk, which I swear must be owned by Lifetime since that’s also where Asia Monet Ray did her first booty popping live concert on Raising Asia.  Oh hey, Boo!  Miss you!


It was a hoot.  Everyone was signing autographs and running in circles waiting for the premiere like it was another Nickelodeon Awards Show.  Jill was gripping the biggest Slushie cup I’ve ever seen as everyone escorted Kendall to the stage.  Anyone else notice the security guy who looked like a giant park ranger?

The crowd was screaming and sign-holding and iPhone-ing like it was their day job.  I was especially fond of these overly excited girls below.  I didn’t realize that you were only allowed access to the event if you had a cell phone or wore glasses.  I guess if you had a cell phone AND wore glasses you were pretty much guaranteed front row.


And how about this guy in the Times Square Rockin’ New Year’s Eve hat waiting for his Nivea Kiss?  The Dad behind him with the kid on his shoulders hates his life.


And is it me, or does that really tall dude seem a little old to be that much in love with Kendall?  Look at his face.  He hearts her.

And where were they showing this video, anyways?  Off the side of the Goodyear blimp?

That can’t be healthy to tip your head back that far for 3 minutes, especially since you know every kid out there was sucking on gummy worms or jawbreakers from the CityWalk kiosk.  You could swallow your retainer fercryinoutloud.

Bonus Points for how proud Mom was during the premiere.  The one thing Jill always puts before anything else is her Family.  Except for when the lighting is so good that you just gotta take a selfie.  Werk, Mama.  Werk.

jThe important takeaways from this event:

Kendall is gorgeous, like all the Vertes girls.  She kind of looked like Military Barbie, except that she’s not blonde.  So she actually looked more like Barbie’s dark haired friend in the military, whoever that was.  Was that Midge?  There’s so many of them in that pink Target aisle now.  No clue.

KendallK (…her stage name…) danced in what I originally thought was an unhealthy amount of helicopter exhaust fumes until I figured out that it was only the dry ice smoke they use at Celine concerts.  Some junior high kid jumped the fence and gave Kendall such a big hug that I almost called the park ranger to pepper spray him in the eyes.  I hope she knew the guy because he got enough KK to make him a Legend in gym class tomorrow.

And, most importantly,  Abby wore the same outfit on stage that Bea Arthur wore in one episode of her Maude sitcom.  Even the sensible shoes.

Wear Em Out, girl.

Bonus Points also given to #TeamFrazier for supporting Kendall and all the girls equally.  I know everyone does, but they don’t show it onscreen enough, so it’s nice when it’s vocalized.

Group hug.

Back at 3rd Street the next day, Nia and Kendall’s face and head props were all missing.  No masks.  No hats.  Nada.  Naturally.  Why does this show insist on using props when you already know how it’s gonna end up?

I mean…


 As Kalani tried her best to not be beautiful during rehearsal (…that’s why the dance was called ‘Unbeautiful’...) Abby decided to dump out a second purse and go through all her receipts.  Because sometimes bookkeeping just can’t wait.

Jessalynn Hilarity Scale:  I know we already did it, but when did this lady get so funny?  I mean, really.  She used to drive me 400% nuts.  Now she’s HIGHlarious.  Dot com.

And then they premiered the second video of the week.  Jessie J‘s ‘Masterpiece,’ danced to by all the ALDC kiddos.

I like Jessie J.  And I like the fact that it was the real singer and not the karaoke version that they have to use during dances.  I even liked that it was so similar to Beyoncé‘s 7/11 video that Jay Z is probably already on the phone with his lawyer as we speak.

But the best part was actually just seeing the kids be…ummm…what’s the word…?

Kids.  That’s it.  They were being kids.

They were goofing and spoofing and doofing around town like you’re supposed to do when you’re tweeny boppers and still swallow your gum if a boy talks to you.  It was fun to see.  Second DanThat’sCool Seal of Approval this week.

Finally, it was Showtime.

But we’re out of time.  Guess that’s what you get first week back.

Here’s the wrap-up:

The makeup room was actually the principal’s office.  If that.  They cheaped out on the venue this week.  Like Costco cheap.  What was that place?

Nia thought she looked like one of the guys from Blue Man Group in her costume, but I think she looked more like a cross between these two guys from the Beatles cartoon…


Abby never showed up.  Which meant that Kendall never got a costume.  Which meant that Kendall didn’t dance.  #RipOff.

Melissa was looking FLY.  I’m out of DanThat’sCool stamps for the week, otherwise she would have gotten two just for that outfit and hair.  IOU.

Kalani forgot her dance but pulled another one out of her brain and won First Place.  Nia unfortunately lost half her faces before the dance even started and ended up with only Fifth Place.  That mask must have been like those plastic Kmart ones you wore on Halloween that got really wet under your nose after 30 seconds.  I hated those.

The group routine pulled First Place.  Dat’s rite.  The ALDC…LA…has arrived.

Too bad Abby didn’t.

They did try to call her at the end, but she was clearly tanked up on a double dose of Nyquil and started rambling on about hotel security guards and paralysis and having lunch with Elvis and how a unicorn was hogging all the sheets…and…and…and…


They just put the phone down and left.

Which seems like a good idea right about now.

See ya next week.



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