Posts Tagged ‘Pageant Director Jill Worley’

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Know What They Say About Those Me And My Pet Pageants…Monkey See, Monkey Poo.

Saturday, October 29th, 2016

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Attention: License plate TTWINNZ. Your lights are on and there’s poop all over your back seat.

 

 

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Where’s my damn purse? I could sure use some of those animal tranquilizers right now. Lawd.

 

 

doodydoo

 

 

Jiminy Crickets! Pardon my potty mouth, kids, but the fudge nugget doody doo just hit the fan.

 

 

kr

 

 

 

I’m telling you right now I saw one that was this big. Either clean it up or I rub your pink face in it.

 

 

callyn

 

 

 

Speaking of. I sure scored some sweet s*** this weekend.

 

 

baby

 

 

Don’t say a word, sweetie. Just act cool and let them blame that poop smell on the baby.

 

 

girraffe

 

 

 

I know, right? He’s like the only animal that didn’t take a giant crap on the floor this weekend.

 

 

 

Finally.

We’re back.

And not a minute too soon.  Because I couldn’t hold it in much longer.

My excitement for this show, I mean.  That’s what I meant.

After a week off for some distracting Debate Night nonsense surrounding the future of our country…
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Toddlers & Tiaras returned to finish up what they started down in St. Louis.

The Me and My Pet Pageant: Number 2.

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I mean…Part 2.

peeweeLet’s just be honest here.

If you picked #POOP as your Secret Word or Safe Word this week…Game Over.  You win.

jd7bb4v7vhpzk2zbhvfaOn the other hand, if it was your Drinking Game Word…not so much.  You should probably check your DVR to see how the episode ended, because there’s no way you made it past the first commercial break.

520ba90e31598b420ab5ed342a4c132dI’m telling you right now.  #POOP is the word.

It was everywhere.  Literally.

As you’ll recall, when we last saw our pageant princesses it was full-on Poopapalooza Panic as moms and kids alike were all trying to maneuver around a ballroom carpet covered in what CNN described as strategically placed Iraqi goat poo landmines.

Srsly.  It was panic in the streets.

p1tumblr_n6t7dzy6ve1qaqx8xo2_500People were stepping over it.  Around it.  On it.  In it.

And every time you looked down, it had spread wider and juicier all around the ballroom like…

tumblr_nr5yxhkpom1s9bqq4o1_500 p1…until my favorite Mom Deb stepped in it with her funky socks and lost her nutty.

Spoiler Alert:  I can’t even wait until the end of this recap to discuss the top Jayliana‘s Mama was wearing during Crowning, it was so good.  I mean…

eyes

Can you even?  Because I can’t.

8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1e#StyleIcon.

And it’s already sold-out online, so don’t bother wasting your time going on the Neiman Marcus website.

According to most of the moms, the #PooGrenades had all been (…allegedly…) launched from the #TeamLyerly goat, even though nobody actually saw Blackberry discharge any ammo on the carpet.

And, honestly,  I’m not even sure when the goat would have had time to do that much damage since he spent the majority of his screen time cradled in the loving arms of Dad Ron Lyerly.

bSide note:  How much do I love the Lyerlys?  If that’s even how you spell it.  Is it Lyerlies, like plural?

Haters gon’ hate, but Ron cracks me up.

vintage-naked-winking-kewpie-doll-piano-baby-ceramictumblr_lzjxb6zetk1rogt97o1_500And Kelly?  You don’t mess with Kelly.  Because she will mess you up.kl3

Check it out.  I was creeping Kelly on the internet and found a picture from back when she hit her head on a beam in their barn and spent the next 6 months thinking she was Martina McBride.

kelly_headshotIt’s true, because it was on the internet.

Anyway.  Back to #Poopgate.

Everybody was ganging up on Ron and Kelly to clean the carpet, but they weren’t having it.

Not one bit.

And you know who else wasn’t having it?

My new favorite Mom Elicia, who was walking around the ballroom with her blurred out Coca Cola, cellphone and glue stick (…I think, or maybe it was a really big chapstick…) all like AwHellNaw You Pick Up Your Goat’s Poop, Little Man.

eGirlfriend was NOT having it.

She WAS having a smokey eye, tho, that was so fierce it could make a MAC counter girl cry.

e1And she was also having a ride around her living room on what I believe has to be the world’s biggest iRobot Roomba vacuum cleaner.  And she was doing it with that dog from the Taco Bell commercial. e2gifs-01Where do you even buy one of those?  Not the Roomba.  I’ve seen those at Best Buy.  I’m talking about that round thing Elicia and the Taco Bell dog were sitting on.

Yo Quiero.

Somewhere around here tiny Kailia had a moment of rambling randomness, discussing her disdain for poop and Jello pudding that basically just served to reinforce the two things we already knew:  Her mom is crazy and a 10 year old girl has better French tips than you can ever hope to have in your lifetime.

2 k2 k

Needless to say, nobody picked up any poop before the competition got started.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.  With real animals.

What could possibly go wrong?

Side note:  Here’s Kim Kardashian the Bride, in a Mermaid Trumpet Spaghetti Strap Lace Corset Layered Ruffle Chapel Train Organza Vera Wang gown.

kim-kardashian-mermaid-spaghetti-lace-corset1.  I’m pretty sure that blonde chick was born with that hair.

2.  Kim’s marriage didn’t last as long as it took you to read that description.

And here’s Kim Kardashian the Pig, in a stroller, wearing the same dress.pigandy-dwyer-shock#MicDrop.

First on stage was Elicia’s baby girl Hallee, who held up the Taco Bell dog like the opening of The Lion King and then Walked  Like an Egyptian until her CD ran out of music.9u4jdSpoiler Alert:  Zebras.

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Next up was Giavanna (…who keeps spellchecking to ‘Giovanni,’ so I apologize in advance…) and Kim Kardashian the Pig in a tribute to Pageant Moms everywhere.

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I see what you did there, Gia, with your pig and your Walmart pajama bottoms.

And so did #JudgeJessica.  Look at how her hair takes up literally 50% of my TV screen.

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The other two judges didn’t quite get the shtick at first, but being a (…former or nah?…) Pageant Mom herself, Jessica McClamroch picked right up on all that slander.

As soon as Gia left the stage, Mom Kelly accidentally tipped the stroller over, knocking Kim Kardashian onto her back so hard that her legs went up in the air and her dress fell off, which is something we’ve all seen so many times that I’m not even gonna bother looking for a picture.

andy-dwyer-shock

While all that hilarity was ensuing, all that poop was still laying on the carpet out back until someone finally called the front desk and told them what was going on in their own ballroom.

img_2414Enter Employee of the Month Kim…kim

…whose face was so good that you need to see it 3 times.

www.NotMyJob.com.

Mom Marcy ran around showing Kim all the poop, which I’m gonna assume she could have found on her own if you put her on the scent.  But whatever.  I love Marcy.

Side note:  At one point Marcy even called all that nasty s*** by its scientific name of Doody Doo and now I love her even more.  Because…you know.  Doody Doo.  She’s in her 40s.

Side note 2:  Maybe they should have just called the folks at DoodyCalls.

Because that’s a real thing and now they just got free advertising on my site.  No wonder I can’t make any money off this thing when I keep giving away complimentary ad space.

doodycallsnj

Their website actually asks; “Pet waste piling up?”

Wait.  What?

At least they get to drive the Scooby-Doo van to work every day.

doodycalls-van-mike-k-5While Hotel Kim was downstairs giving HR her 2 weeks notice, Alycesaundra took to the stage with her goat in a routine that was completely lost on me unless I just missed something.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one before.

rb goat1So a girl and a goat walk into a bar…

I dunno.  Both of those Tiara Twins are so cute I can’t stand it, so I’m going to overlook the fact that Alycesaundra walked on stage with a goat, slammed back a couple of brewskis and then picked up her goat and left the bar without paying her tab.  I don’t even understand the concept, much less why any waitress would serve an underage girl two root beers and a bottle of warm milk with a rubber nipple on it and then just walk away.

Did I already show you this?

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Because nothing else is making any sense right now.j3 bbjjThankfully, it was right about here when I realized there was not nearly enough Cambrie Littlefield in the episode.  No ma’am.  She’s my girl.  Does TLC even read this thing?

c#Goals.

And what about Nisa Hooper?  Are we really going another week without Nisa?

an1-1

We LOVE Nisa.  Remember that episode where she had too much to drink and got all like…north-west-wears-kim-kardashians-sun-glasses-ftrOr that time she had that massive fight with Cambrie and got all like…

tumblr_o46vwufpmt1qhzi2jo2_540…and then Cambrie got all like…

x-men-apocalypse-gif-56d595fe9ae5cOr maybe that episode hasn’t aired yet.  I forget.

Butt (…poop humor…) I digress.

Backstage, #Poopgate was out of control.

Kim came back with a bunch of hotel managers and made that face again.kimRon and Kelly still refused to pick up after their goat, which made Elicia put her #NisaShades on top of her head so she could get all sassy and wave her finger around like…

Aw.
e6

Hell.e4

Naw.e5

Ron never let go of that goat, FYI.
ronNot even when he got all Bill Nye the Poop Science Guy on Kim and tried to explain the difference between Coco Puffs, Goobers and Whoppers when it came to discerning what animal butt makes the best holiday chocolates.

billnyethehandjobguy-41470I don’t even know what’s happening in that picture.

Luckily, Kailia hit the rings for her Tarzan & Jane routine, temporarily breaking the tension in the room.  Or so I thought, until Mom Marcy prepped us for the number by explaining how her daughter was going to rip off her Jane dress like a Rain Forest stripper but not be wearing any pasties underneath.

Because she totally said that.

Newsflash:  Not everyone can wear pasties like a Boss.  Just saying.

eyes 8048041f69fb5aed4f83e46f1f979e1eKailia nailed her performance…kk1kk

…even though #JudgeJessica thought the parrot sitting on top of K’s Ring Thingamajig.

Side note:  Marcy was INTO Kailia’s routine.   Look at her face.

mAnd look at Mustache Guy.  There he is again.  He’s everywhere in this show!

I know who he is now, too.  Thanks to a slightly awkward recap a few weeks ago, I might add.

But I’m not telling you.

Just take a shot every time he’s in a scene.  It’ll be fun.

rb

Gah.  She’s cute.

#Poopgate Round 3:  This is when it really hit the fan backstage.

Ron and Kelly were screaming at all the other Moms.

All the other Moms were screaming at Ron and Kelly.

This new Mom right here went OFF on them all like Pick Up Your Poop, Bitch.

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And then Kelly was all like You Wanna Go Outside, Bitch?  Don’t Make Me Take My Shoes Off.fight

And then Ron was all like Don’t Make Me Put My Goat Down, Bitch.fight1
And don’t even ask me why Marcy thought she could stop #NervousPoop from shooting out just by putting up one hand like she was making a Force Field or something.

They’re not filming Fantastic Four, honey.  This is TLC.

Marcy also wanted to do an impromptu Cambrie’s Court cheer, because that always works to break the tension right before fists and Doody Doo start flying, right?

And, finally…to seal the deal…Elicia and her smokey eyes caught a good glimpse of Kelly when she bent over and before you knew it a simple discussion on whose butt was bigger quickly transitioned into…

Umm…well…

article-2446556-188fd31600000578-900_634x438Excuse me?  I don’t think so.  Not with kids in the car.

butt

I almost forgot about the pageant.

Tiny Emily hit the stage dressed all in pink like Reese Witherspoon (…where do they find all these little chihuahuas on such short notice?…) and rocked it like a pro.  Mom Alysha was so proud she didn’t even notice Mustache Guy sneaking up a row.mggiphy-5Side note:  Only on Toddlers & Tiaras is a rampaging zebra the most normal thing you’ll see.

Because that happened next.

 giphy-6Callyn‘s Secret Weapon Zebra just wasn’t feeling it that afternoon and refused to come up on stage with her for the routine.  Which kinda defeated the whole Me and My Pet theme, I guess.

But she still did great.

z z1And Mom was proud.

So proud in fact, that she too was oblivious to her surroundings.

mg1ty0wl4aAnd then it was over.

Except for Crowning and stuff, I mean.

But we wasted so much time with funny pictures and Drinking Games that I’m almost out of space.

The Short Version:  The Tiara Twins didn’t score as high as they would have liked, but they’re so cute it doesn’t matter.  They have a Greyhound bus with their faces on it, fercryinoutloud.

Callyn scored higher than her cousin for the first time in…I dunno…forever, maybe…and Mom was over the moon.  But the two girls are still Besties.  So don’t you worry.

And Kailia won the Mega Grand Supreme!  The Big One.

Mom was all like…

nm

And Kailia cried she was so happy.

When it was all over, one of the cousins pulled out her own eyelashes on live TV.

lash

The hotel’s expensive carpet still smelled like poop and Kim was in therapy at an undisclosed location to protect her privacy.

During the wild after-party, a goat photobombed the security guards.

enhanced-buzz-23031-1345556666-2And a judge photobombed the Winner.

cvvz8yzwiaektpc-jpg-large-2Because #BigHairDon’tCare.

Poop there it is.

moxiegirlz

Toddlers & Tiaras: You Really Stepped In It This Time. Shovel And Sparkle At The St. Louis Me And My Pet Pageant!

Sunday, October 16th, 2016

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Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.

 

 

maracy

 

 

I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.

 

 

jh

 

 

I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.

 

 

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I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.

 

paint

 

 

 

I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.

 

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No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.

 

kly

 

 

 

I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.

 

 

 

So.

Couple things before we get started.

One.  Yeah…I know.  I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner.  Like maybe not at all in a timely manner.  I know.
dance-moms-6x15-recap-melissa-should-be-sorry
My bad.

And I feel bad.  I swear.  And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms.  Look at how crooked my crown was.

toddlers-and-tiaras-crying

And now this one is late, too.

abbey-lee-crying

But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile.  Not my first choice.  Or even my second.  But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.

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Two.  Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?

gigThree.  For all you up and coming bloggers and journalist types:  See what I just did there?

In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties.  I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page.  I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs.  And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.

The Me and My Pet Pageant.

Because that’s how it’s done.

And that’s how I do, mmkay?

Make that 3 Dance Moms gifs.

Spoiler Alert:  Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.

None.  Which was not cool.

So here’s one.  And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.

Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from.  No wonder Nisa wears shades.

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I love Nisa.

And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals.  Because she is.  The #Goals part, I mean.

The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.

Oh hey, Gurrrrl.

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Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair.  It’s dark outside now.

cnightSoooo anyway.

I guess we could get started now.

To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on danthatscool.com.

Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.

cowbThe entire park was shut down so Miss Cambrie and her little kids and her even littler bathing suit top could all slide down the chute and have some old fashioned splash time before heading back to the studio to focus on this week’s competition.

Look at all that right there.
sb1#Goals.  Whether you’re going to the Water Park or Coachella with the Kardashians, I guess.

Just #Goals.

And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.

sbSpring Break, baby.

They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…

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Bonus:  Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide.  Because she can.

mjslidemaccheeseAt this week’s Me and My Pet Pageant, the biggest competition for Cambrie and her pack of princesses was going to come from some familiar faces to all you long term T&T-ers.

Dat’s rite.  They’re baaaaack!

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  The Tiara Twins.

sun2

 And Mom Kelly Lyerly.

kl1And Dad Ron, who we last saw dressed up as one of the Village People for some reason.

rYou remember them all from Original Recipe Toddler 1.0…right?

Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7.  The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.

Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office.  Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?

toddlers-tiaras-lamb-chops-and-doggies-and-sn-l-ulyvp7Because pet pageants were kinda their thing back then.  They won the last two.

And they were gunning for win #3 this week.

Side note:  Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness.  I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.little_rascals_moneytossFor this year’s pet pageant, they decided to head to one of those places where you can bid on live goats instead of taking your chances on eBay.  I forget which girl wanted to bring a goat on stage, but given their history with turkey and peacock props, moving forward without poultry seemed like a good idea.

Look.  This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy.  Cuz she’s fancy.

goatNumber 9422 and Number 9456 seem nice.  I like them.g3Number 9422 seems to like Number 9456, too.

g2Don’t look, honey.  ag2

As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction.  But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll.  Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.2318Time to restock the shelves.

g2To cleanse the palate and get the sting out of our eyes…sun

…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.
hu

Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey.  Just a little animated.  Like seizure animated.m3monkeyclmclm2

Let’s be honest.  Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.gif-monkey-smile-940834Marcy was so whacky that I immediately had to put her on my holiday card list.  Some people online felt that Kailia’s Mom was slightly bug-eyed, but it’s all relative, right?tb

Tonya Bailey.  Queen.  Don’t even argue with me on this one.

I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this… giphy-3

…and this…

giphy-2…and even this…

stretchstretch2Those are Kailia’s feet, BTW.  Up where her arms are supposed to be.

Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.41-frozen-katie-lopez-facciamo-un-pupazzo-insiemecdoor

Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…

c7699d00b4ed4e13075bcfc16642b022cdoor2“Bitch, I know you’re in there.”

Take aways from this scene:  Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.

Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.

We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot.  And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…

Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.

Next up:  The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.

Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.

Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.

crown shoes2You can’t even make this stuff up anymore.

We looooove them.  Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.

You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.

FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.emilyash

Do the math:  Sibling Rivalry.  Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.

Side note:  You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.

And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?

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No wonder she’s so excited.  That is way better than any stupid monkey.  #TotesJealz.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.

Look at all that sweet loot.  Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner.  We love Jill.stashAnd where else can you find spray tanned legs, a bronze monkey butt and a pig in a stroller all in one place?  It’s like THE best Pier 1 Imports evah.  Jill don’t skimp on the decor.pig Look at how terrified that dog is, tho.dogEven the judges’ table got pimped out with snacks.

Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having.  And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp.  And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?

jtableI swear the judge with the giant hair looks so familiar.

Side note:  Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit.  Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe.  The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt.  And his gelled hair.  Because I just can’t right now.ron90dab38819536415230e6158570ab616Lyerly = Life.  Because that’s what they’re giving me right now.

Side note:  Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.

pig2 So there’s that.

Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.

Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well.  The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap.  Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial.  Because she’s Cambrie.  #Goals.

Emily was first up in Beauty.

And then the judge’s critique.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  I give you Jessica McClamroch.

689df2564a90bab01983f5c4d6c9f7bfI knew she looked familiar!

j3She is one of my all-time favorite Moms EVER from Toddler 1.0…’member her?

jessShe’s the one with the big a** hair who didn’t want America to think it was all nasty up in here when a fly started buzzing around her house during taping.

j5Hashtag:  LoveHer.

And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.j6 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo4_500j159f8206c2920826b29caf79e486ab447 j4 tumblr_njufggv7ly1rarhivo5_500jThe rest of the Beauty portion kinda flew by after Jessica’s appearance.

And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown.  You see dat thang?  Dang.14568072_1215074351847700_4265855368280907370_nI mean.  C’mon.

Even Cambrie was all like…tumblr_lq035of2qt1qbnfoaMiss Cambrie knows pageant beauty when she sees it.

And then the s*** hit the fan.  And the floor.  Literally.

Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.

tumblr_lk9wlnsslj1qi4ns0o1_500A zebra?  Really?  In a hotel?

debThe email clearly stated that there was a 40 pound limit and the animal needed to be caged until taking the stage and could not be shipped in a wood crate across the ocean from Madagascar even if it did know how to do the Running Man.85042-zebra-dancing-gif-imgur-bvf2

And excuse me.

If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.
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Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.

40-1I think I’m starting to love these people a little too much.

And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.

jessYou got that right, girlfriend.

Oh.  And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.

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And then it was over.

To be continued…

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Toddlers & Tiaras: Time To Work That Stage And Show Me Your Pretty Feet. All Four Of Them. It’s Me And My Pet!

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

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Check it out. There’s a freakin’ pig on the crown. Don’t even pretend you’re not jealous, cuz you are. Haters gonna hate.

 

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Bitch, pleez. Every kid at the Ramada gets a crown. Suck on this headgear and then go slop your hog, honey.

 

 

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My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…and they’re usually carrying a taser and a few restraining orders.

 

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Now I’m a church goin’ woman, but that pretty one in the pink dances like a damn crazy lady. Lawd have mercy.

 

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The judges like it when I shake my booty and my poor guinea pig so hard that we both black out on stage.

 

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Not gonna lie. That hot girl in the pink started dancing and I may have squirted some water out of my plastic flower.

 

 

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Yeah. I’m pretty sure I spent all day pretty feeting through hot animal poop just so I could win this cheap a** little toy crown.

 

 

 

Do you smell that?

It kind of smells like Aqua-Net and spray tan mist, with just a hint of steamed carrots, lettuce and those crunchy guinea pig pellets they sell in bulk at Petco.

Which can only mean one thing.

They’re baaaaack!

That’s right.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.  And this time they brought livestock.

After a brief hiatus so we could all check the gift registry down at the Kuntry Stoe and use our “Plus One” invitation to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Commitment Ceremony, everyone’s favorite unspoken guilty pleasure returned this week and took us straight to the barnyard without skipping a beat.

All the glitter and glitz was back, along with a few cameo guest appearances and two hotel workers who drew the short straw and got put on pooper scooper duty.

It was the Me And My Pet Pageant, courtesy of Director Jill Worley and MidAmerica Pageants.  Kids, sugar and animals.  What could possibly go wrong?

Jill was still fairly low key as far as Pageant Directors go, and basically just laid out the rules for any slow pokes out there who couldn’t actually figure out on their own what might go down at a Me And My Pet Pageant.

But I like Jill.  When I go clubbing with all my rowdy pageant friends, Jill would be more of the designated driver type while Tonya Bailey and Annette Hill are up on the speakers making it rain down on some strippers.

I’m sure Jill would loosen up eventually after a few Diet Cokes, though.

She was nice and had the same haircut that Carrie Underwood had in one of her videos.  Jill was pretty darn excited about the ginormous Old McDonald crown and the fact that the judges would not be deducting any points for pooping on the floor, which I thought was a good call given the lines in hotel restrooms, until I realized that she was referring to the animals and not the hair and makeup people.

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My bad.

The first wannabe princess we met was 4 year old Rainbow Dash and Mom Rachelle.

You heard me.  Rainbow Dash.  Like the My Little Pony pony.  Because she looooooves My Little Pony stuff.  Especially Rainbow Dash.

Not sure how that whole cartoon name thing is going to hold up in college, but for now I guess it’s a good thing that the little tyke is enamored with animated equines and not Optimus Prime or something.

Mom was a big, sassy lady who I could totally see raising the roof at church every Sunday if she hadn’t been excommunicated for raising a heathenistic little pageant girl.

Seriously?  It’s 2013, people.

To rub salt in the wound, Mom was a PK…ie…Preacher’s Kid…and got the boot even though her father was a man of the church.  Go figure.

But it wasn’t stopping RB from rockin’ a drum solo and then wailing “Yes, Jesus Loves Me” while the rest of the family did exactly what you’d expect a good church going family to do once the electric organ gets warmed up.

Take it to church, Girlfriend.  Just don’t go inside.

Rainbow Dash was a cutie, and looked like a miniaturized CNN weekend news anchor with her blown out hair and jacket/tie combo.  You could tell she gets it from her Mama.

Next up was 4 year old Gabby and Grandma Teresa.  Not NiNi or NeNe or NaNa or NooNoo or nuthin’.  Just Grandma.

Grandma was large and in charge of the pageants, because Gabby’s Mom Alicia hated glitz pageants.  They’re all fakey fake with their fake hair and fake teeth and fake tans and fake fakiness.

Fake.  Fake.  Fake.  And then for those of you who may have missed it, she said it about 29 more times.  Fake.

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Gabby was a nugget of a little blonde thing, all sing-songy and gassy as she shook her poor guinea pig Puddinin (…that’s not a typo.  Puddininininin….) until you could hear marbles jiggling in his head.  She even managed to knock the poo right out of him as the poor guy got car sick and honked out a little pellet of his own right there on the carpet.

Luckily for all of us who sit too close to our television screens, TLC thoughtfully covered up Pud’s junk with one of those Walmart Lower Price smiley face stickers so we didn’t have to actually watch a guinea pig take a toot in hi-def.

We also learned that Gabby’s flatulence reeked of carrots and lettuce, which I guess is probably something we should know in case we ever need to rescue her from an underground coal mine collapse in the middle of the night…but it didn’t feel very crucial to the current pageant storyline.

Seriously, a couple more fart jokes and subtitles this week and I would have sworn I was still watching Honey Boo Boo eating ribs.

The third and final contestant was 3 year old pipsqueak Lily and Mom Brittany.

Not only did Lily have one of the best cartoon voices ever, but she also had her own miniature horse.  A real one.  That she bought with her own money.

Shut the barn door.  Literally.

I can’t even pay my cable bill on time and a 3 year old is buying a real live racehorse with Ultimate Supreme cash?  Take that, Rainbow Dash.

And sign me up for this gig.  I want a pony, too.

Blackjack the Horse came with his own Zorro background music and one of those purple ski masks that made it look like he had some kind of super powers that would soon be revealed on stage.  I hoped he could talk.  That would be so cool.

Since Lily and Mom just happened to have a horse laying around the house, they had decided to use him in the pageant as part of their Afro Circus routine.

(The Madagascar movie song and dance number, not one of Al Sharpton‘s press conferences.  Just to clarify.)

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They even had a technicolor afro wig for Blackjack to wear during the show, hoping that a slow moving miniature pony wearing a gay pride weave could duplicate a polka dotted zebra standing on his back legs doing Michael Jackson moves.  We’ll have to see.

While Lily squeaked around the stables, we dashed back over to Rainbow Dash’s house for a major plot twist.

Rainbow Dash was ALSO doing an Afro Circus routine.

Shut.  Up.

But instead of a horse, RB was going to dress up her Dad Daniel (…who I believe only blinked a total of 7 times the entire episode…) like a crazy clown and have him assist while their little pocket dog Titi pretended he was in the circus.  The Afro one.

Dad reminded me of the short guy from Fresh Prince of Bel Air a little bit as he worked himself into an anxiety attack over standing on stage holding a hula hoop.

Chillax, dude.  You got this.

And then it was Katie Boyer Time!!!

We love pageant coach Katie and her Katie’s Kuties.

She’s your typical girl next door who you know spends waaay too much time texting her girlfriends from the mall and is the one who always silently mouths “OMG!” and then hits you whenever a hot waiter turns his back to the table.

Katie loves her kids, but hates those animal pageants.  Don’t make me touch that thing.

Note to self:  Return the iguana you bought Katie for Christmas.

After putting Gabby through some finger kisses and guinea pig shakes, Katie got in her Tiara Teleportation Device and was suddenly across town helping out Lily with her routine.

Oooh, girl.  Double dippin’ in the pageant pool.  You go.

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The most memorable part of the scene (…aside from Katie, of course…) was whatever the f*** was going on with Pageant Life Coach Aunt Sissy‘s hair.

Seriously.  That was some solid work up there.  You know Katie was dying to touch it.

I’m thinking that Sissy might be the one we send over to Syria to look for all those atomic bombs, because even if she finds one and it blows up in her face, that hair ain’t going anywhere.

Well played, ma’am.  Just don’t get me started on Life Coaches.

Finally, it was Showtime!

But first…can we just talk about what kind of hotel lets farm animals run wild through the hallways?  I mean, Blackjack just strolled through the lobby like he was going to the desk to confirm his wakeup call and ask that an iron be sent upstairs.

It’s bad enough getting stuck with a room by the ice machine.  Can you even imagine the smell?  That place better be putting extra chocolate on my pillow if I know there’s a llama in the next room.

The hair and makeup sessions were the usual chaos.  Nothing new to report.

Somehow Gabby’s dress didn’t fit correctly and they had to poach a second one from Lily’s suitcase.  Why do these people always wait until their number is being called to actually try lacing up the back for the first time?

Eventually everyone was wearing something and Jill could get the party started.

Complete with cameo guest appearances galore, which made me realize that I have been watching this show for way too many years.

Little Miss Ava Claire was giving the judges some side eye, but I almost missed her behind all of Mom’s big a** hair.  Hey, Jessica!

Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki Santiago was also standing off to the side deciding which young child to take back into the bowels of the Earth when crowning was done, which explained all the nervous animal pee that was going on in the holding area.

Just speaking for myself, I know that every time I see Nikki I need to put down some fresh newspapers under my Lazy Boy…just in case.

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Even one half of the Tiara Twins, Giavanna, was standing on stage watching her Dad get his eye poked out by a completely panic stricken peacock.  It was like that Alfred Hitchcock movie, except Ron screamed more than Tippi Hedren did when she got attacked.

I should also point out that Tiara Twins Mom Kelly just stood there and watched it all happen without lifting a finger, because I think she was still mad at Ron for that time he pulled her top up on national television.

The Beauty portion was the usual.  Stop.  Start.  Forget.

The Me and My Pet part was when the crowd woke up.

Rainbow Dash’s take on the Afro Circus was basically her Dad getting down with his bad self in big shoes.  Something tells me that’s not the last we’ve seen of Krumpy the Klown, yo.

After evacuating the first two floors of the hotel to prevent any potential running of the bulls, Brittany finally got Blackjack up on stage for Lily’s routine.

And then Katie danced behind the judges.

Crazy White Girl Dancing.  The kind of dancing that becomes the stuff of urban legends.

And screensavers.

Gabby didn’t have much better luck with Puddininininin who made a quick appearance and then hid behind a pile of maxi-pads for the rest of the show.

Did I forget to mention that Mom had lined his barnyard prop with maxi-pads just in case he…well…never mind.  If you have enough maxi-pads on hand to fill a barn, then we have bigger problems than a shy guinea pig.

And then some kids won some stuff.

But not the stuff they wanted to win.  Google it.

Right now, everyone back to the barn for a quick Tinker Tea nightcap and then hit the hay.  It’s been a long one.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

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