Posts Tagged ‘Pageant Moms’

Toddlers & Tiaras Flashback: Love Is In The Air. Remembering The Pixie Stix Princesses And Playground Playas.

Friday, February 21st, 2014

mak

It’s February.

The most heartfelt month of the year.

I don’t know if it’s the Polar Vortex, residual Valentine’s Day mush or just a crash from all the 75% off CVS candy that’s got me feeling so redneckulously romantical this month.

(Who cares if it’s two weeks later and the candy is heart-shaped?  It’s still chocolate.)

Whatever the reason, this time of year always makes me miss my Toddlers & Tiaras and all the Life Lessons learned over those six too-short seasons.

Shoot.  When they weren’t buzzing around hotel lobbies at 70mph or staring blankly into camera lights waiting for their crazy Pageant Moms to get the Hook, those sparkly kids taught me more about love, life and putting the moves on my teeter totter crush than any self-help book I ever download onto my iPad.  Thanks for nothing, iTunes.

It’s true.  I own it.  Toddlers & Tiaras pretty much made me who I am today.

I like to call it Toddler Relationships 101.

Like how a good milkshake can always bring the Boyz to the yard.  Oh hey, Gurlz.

tumblr_lnyu1zuygp1qdu1jmA subtle bit of Side Eye can make all the difference when playing the game.

tumblr_m7ygk3jNXs1qb9pa3o1_500Sometimes you just have to tell it like it is.  Trust me…the truth hurts.

tumblr_m0efetrLZX1qd9agqo1_500A dude’s gotta do what a dude’s gotta do to score nowadays.

tumblr_inline_mg4lw5Fcxv1ryjwc0Until it backfires and you get busted, of course.  Excuse me?

tumblr_lq02shmxec1qbnfoaI hear that sometimes honesty is the best policy.  But don’t quote me.

giphy-3Unfortunately, no matter how much effort you put into a relationship, sometimes it just ain’t gonna happen.  Don’t even think it.

Toddlers-Tiaras-GifSo you deal with it in your own way and move on.

tumblr_m7zo9uD9BM1ro2d43

And when it finally does work, it makes you all like…

tumblr_inline_mp9uynmPCT1qz4rgpSo Happy Belated Valentine’s Day everyone.  Love you.  Mean it.  And, please…

hugging.gif?w=640

Mob Wives: Serving Up Papers And Birthday Cake. Before The Gathering Storm, Let’s All Sing. Call Me Maybe?

Monday, February 11th, 2013

 

 

 

This was totally worth waiting in line for two days and cutting that bitch. Ain’t that right, Siri?

 

 

 

 

Even in a flashback I can still kick your a** like a boss, honey.

 

 

 

 

 

Shoo Bop Doo Wop. Make me pop off. Skiddle Dee Dee. Don’t go to war with me. Doo Waaaah.

 

 

 

 

Well that’s where you’re wrong, Dbag. Murder She Wrote was a classic, and you bowl like a girl.

 

 

 

 

No No No! Stop her! She’s got the new white iPhone and she knows how to use it! She’s crazy!

 

 

 

So maybe I gave a prison dissertation on fault based divorce retention and how it creates an acrimonious process…for a carton of cigarettes. Whassamattah?

 

 

Alrighty then.

Let’s just get this one out of the way early.

Ramona Rizzo has a brass knuckles iPhone case.

A gigantic, shiny f*** you up set of brass knuckles soldered to an iPhone that you wouldn’t be able to take on a plane.

I’m thinking the chances are pretty good that this bitch doesn’t know how to post-edit her kid’s birthday video in iMovie, but I’m willing to bet she could split your skull open with that thing after downloading the clip to her laptop.

Love her.  And it just needed to be said.

Mob Wives was back this week to celebrate a couple of birthdays, break up a whacky old geezer bar fight and prep their Hurricane Sandy emergency kits.  All in the same episode.  Surreal much?

As a matter of fact, there was so much going on that there wasn’t any room for much actual Mob stuff, which was a little odd for a show about Mob stuff.

So this week, I give you The Real Housewives of Staten Island.

We started right out with Ramona and all ten knuckles squeezed into some crazily patterned (…jeans? leggings? jeggings?…) fancy pants as she met up with Karen and Big Ang at one of Staten Island’s seemingly endless supply of jungle print boutiques.

To cut down on trips to iParty, Ramona had decided to combine her two daughters’ birthdays into one big totally OMG LOL themed extravaganza and needed a new top for the occasion, so it was a good time to hang with the girls and catch up on some gossip.

Ramona’s daughter Melina was begging that Drita‘s daughter Aleeya be invited to the tweeny bopper par-tay, but just the thought of being in the same room again with Mama D’Avanzo had Ramona a little twisted.

As you’ll recall, the last time they got together in a social setting, one of them got a fat lip and one almost went over the balcony as Renee ran in circles screaming No No No No.

That was also the same night that Derek Tobacco (…or Marty Marlboro or whatever his game jersey name was…) had to pry Ramona off of Drita’s face with one hand while trying to prevent Karen from pulling out all of Drita’s pricey extensions with the other.

It was a roof top hot mess of double cray.  And that was before Karen started throwing plates across the ballroom like they do at Greek Weddings.  Opah, bitches!

Needless to say, the possibility of having to relive that moment had Ramona slightly on edge.  And if she was being totally honest with herself, probably a little tingly, like Mike Tyson gets right before he bites off someone’s ear.

But for the sake of all the kids at the party, she was willing to take “Use Drita’s Mouth As A Urinal” (…yeah, she said that…) off her Bucket List and kiss and make up.

For at least one night, anyway.

So now everyone can go to the party.  And I can never use the bathroom again at Uno’s without thinking I just saw Drita smiling back up at me from that little blue cake inside a pee splatter screen.  No wonder her line of Just Me lipsticks are water-proof.

Mob Wives is why I now hold it until I get home.

To try and get that visual out of our heads, we then headed down to Miami to check in on Renee at the rehab clinic.

Let’s just say that if she didn’t need therapy before she got there, she’s going to need it by the time she leaves.  Because that place was right out of Central Casting.

Sitting in Anger Management 101, Renee was surrounded by an assortment of characters, some of whom I swear I recognized from the old Bob Newhart Show.

None of them seemed very impressed by Renee’s attitude, or her mouth.  Especially one blonde woman who appeared to be wearing her bathing suit top under her maxi dress.  Maybe they get pool time in-between sessions or something, I don’t know.  But this chick don’t play.

Blonde Woman was not a big fan of anyone with a petty, gossipy 16 year old mentality and Renee did not appreciate the subtlety of that jab.  And then Blonde Woman didn’t appreciate Renee’s (bleepin’) drama.  And then Renee accused Blonde Woman of talking about her off camera, and that she shouldn’t put her in her mouth if she doesn’t know her.

I know, right?  What does that even mean?

Ten minutes into this week’s episode and we’d already had two rather orally fixated references?  Gross.

Honestly, by the first commercial break I was so confused as to what someone can, and cannot do, in someone else’s mouth that for the time being I’m just gonna stick to shoving birthday cake in there, thank you very much.

And speaking of.  With the party looming on the horizon, Ramona had to finally suck it up and call Drita to invite her kid.  Because the more kids…the more presents.  Der.

I know it’s only an ADT home security camera monitor that’s plugged into Drita’s kitchen counter, but I always pretend it’s one of those high tech spy screens at a hospital nurses’ station or Level 4 nuclear plant.  It’s just a little game I play, and it makes the boring scenes seem more exciting.

They both agreed to meet up at a restaurant and hash out any issues that hadn’t already been covered at the last Reunion Special and then we scooted off to Karen’s latest business venture.

During a meeting with a financial planner a few weeks ago, Karen had been given the suggestion to diversify her investments and start shopping at Marshall’s if she ever wanted to save any money.  And since the latter ain’t never gonna happen, Karen had decided to buy into a studio run by Producer Storm and his boyeeez.

Please, Lawd.  Not another Tardy for the Party moment.  I just can’t.

You know you thought it.

Luckily, Karen is capable of breaking every bone in your body but doesn’t have a single musical one in her own, so this was purely for daughter Karina (…who could suddenly sing.  Who knew?…) and their Get Out Of Arizona bank account.

It was the usual VH1 (…or is it VH+1 now?…) white girl in a hip hop world hilarity.  If you squinted it kind of looked like when Mariah Carey went through that phase and was always awkwardly hanging with her homies.

What’s that for?  What does that do?  Why’s he looking at my big booty like that?  Why yes, I am single.  Send me the papers.

And then Karen put her baseball cap on sideways, made a Bboy sign with her fingers and left with two phone numbers.  Oh…and a new investment.  Almost forgot what she came for.

Down the street, Ramona, her knuckles and Drita all met up to clear the air in a fairly non-eventful event.  There really wasn’t much Mob in Mob Wives this week.

They agreed that they had both fallen victim over the years to all the gossip (…”I heard in all five Burroughs that she said you said…”…) even though not one word of smack had ever actually been heard coming directly from each other’s mouths.  And since neither of them could really afford another hike in their insurance premiums, they also agreed to play nice for the sake of the children when they got to the birthday party.

But most importantly, they agreed to never come back to that restaurant ever again, because NOBODY looks good in that kind of harsh, straight above your head Target store lighting.  It was nasty.

Right about here was when someone must have realized that they forgotten to put Carla in the show again this week, because she suddenly popped up out of nowhere.

She and Drita went to the gym to relive the truce with Ramona.  Carla goes to the gym a lot, but I can’t remember if we’ve ever seen her actually use the equipment.  Luckily, the joint is always empty, because I know my gym has a sign posted that says you can’t just park your junk on a bench and gossip for an hour.

And pick up your towels.  Yo’ Momma don’t live here.

Then Carla was back home finding out that her soon-to-be ex Joe had met with his attorney at IHOP the other day, and she didn’t take it very well.

I wasn’t really sure if she completely grasped the concept of divorce and all the legal mumbo jumbo that comes along with the paperwork, because she got a little cranky.

And Joe was using some pretty big words.

Not gonna lie.  I was pretty impressed that a dude could spend all those years in the slammer and come out on the other side already owning a 3 story house, a black mercedes and talking all fancy.

He may have (…allegedly…) dropped a few bars of unscented Ivory over the years, but he appears to have kept a good grip on those prison library finance books.  I’m thinking he’s a whole lot smarter than we originally gave him credit for when he got sprung.

I’m starting to like this dude.

Meanwhile, down at the Drunken Monkey, it was just getting weird.

Big Ang had forced herself out of bed before 2pm so she could check up on the bar’s day staff.  Seems that there had been some issues with the workers and the customers, and Ang wanted to slap some sense into everybody like that Vanderpump lady does over at her Bravo TV restaurant.

Whoa.  Wait.  Now that you mention it…

Lisa Vanderpump has Giggy and Big Ang has Little Louie.  They’re both in the hospitality business.  They’re both into spending their husband’s money like it grows on trees.  They both run bars.  And yet we never see the two women together at the same time.  Ever.

Do you think…?  Could…?  Could it be like Superman?  Are Lisa and Big Ang the same person?

I’ll need to look into this a little more before I alert TMZ, but whoever it was with the substantial breasts behind the bar this week, they were not having any of this drama going down in their establishment.  No, ma’am.

Especially when the whole situation was just f***ed up.

Turns out that there were two feuding old man gangs at either end of the bar.  Like the old men who bowl and the old men who always sit at the exact same table at McDonald’s every morning no matter what, drinking their medium coffee and reading a real newspaper instead of a Kindle.

It was was a little hard to figure out who was who since one of them was wearing a Drunken Monkey tee shirt, because they sell them there, so I don’t know if he was a drunk employee or just representing the brand.

It was like the McDonald’s guys were on one end, and the Kiwanis Bowling League guys were on the other end, and it was about to go down extra early, so they could get all home before it got dark.

I can’t even explain it.  But they started old man fighting until Big Ang’s husband Neil came rushing in to break it up before someone broke a hip.

After you’ve seen Drita take a chunk out of Ramona’s face, watching one guy try to pull off another guy’s Life Alert necklace seemed pretty tame.  Neil didn’t have to work very hard to break this one up.

Then it was time for the Grand Opening of the Staten Island Apple Store!

Or maybe it was just the party for Ramona’s kids.  I’m not sure.

It was hard to tell, because there were roped off barricades in the front of the building and inside there were iPhone cupcakes and iPhone birthday cakes and people taking photos with iPhones and so much Apple Store stuff that I thought I finally solved the mystery of what happened to that truck full of iPads that got hijacked on the Long Island Expressway.

Even Love Majewski showed up on the red bathmat carpet, because no little girl’s birthday party would be complete without a woman who shot at the ex-lover who froze his baby batter and then divvied it up between two other mystery women, right?

Like I said…surreal.

To keep things moving in a similarly odd direction, after the party we headed back to Storm’s studio (…the producer, not the one from the X-Men who could make it rain all up in here if she wanted to…) so Karina and her all-girl band could demo their new single.

Think Karina & The Mobettes on Radio Disney.  All being coached by the older brother of that Gangnam Style guy.

And then as if that wasn’t enough, Ramona paid a visit to her lawyer to find out what the dealio was with her jewelry and that whole boyfriend getting arrested thing.  Honestly, there was more going on with his outfit than there was with this entire scene, so we can skip right over it and try to un-see his pin striped suit, white collared shirt and paisley striped tie.

Except we did find out that Ramona had been secretly engaged all this time.

And then Hurricane Sandy blew into town, making a Reality Show seem almost…real.

Zone A evacuated and it was over.

To be continued…

Toddlers & Tiaras: Hold Your Breath And Go Under The Sea With California Tropic Pageants. Or Just Eat Worms.

Friday, January 11th, 2013

 

 

Lady Crazy Hat says you need to practice your routine or you both go back in the glass display case.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. Stop. You’re gonna make me pee my pants. That kid doesn’t stand a chance.

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t even know where I am, but I bet there’s a Starbucks around the corner. Let’s get this party started, bitches.

 

 

 

 

 

WTF just happened?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t you worry, baby. None of them haters are gonna have a trash bag as fancy as yours.

 

 

 

 

I’d rather eat worms than do this again. Even if they were hanging off the end of a fishing line on a rusty metal hook.

 

 

 

 

Oh. Hell. No. They didn’t pick you? This pageant is boughetto ratchet.

 

 

 

 

Your Pageant Mom was right.

Always wait 45 minutes after eating before you go back in the water.

Otherwise, those Pixie Stix will cramp you up so tight you’ll spit out your flipper and sink right to the bottom of the judge’s sheet.

Toddlers & Tiaras did a sparkly belly flop face down into the ocean as the California Tropic Pageants took us way over the top and then back down Under The Sea.

It was Disney meets Liberace in an aquatically  themed Glitz pageant, and wide eyed Director Carol Fleming couldn’t have been happier as she explained how it was all going to go down this week.

If you’ve never had the pleasure of meeting Carol, feel free to just scoot on over to your local mall and select any certified bra-fitting expert at Lady Grace.

You know exactly what I’m talking about.

With that big Aqua-Net head and Free Macy’s Makeover Day eyeliner, you know you’ve seen Carol smiling behind the register, smelling like that fancy holiday cologne gift set you always recognize on your Aunt but can never name, happily stacking Double D cups into little pyramids with a tape measure around her neck.

You know you have.  And you know she has a little sissy dog at home, too.

The Under The Sea part was pretty self explanatory, so the big takeaway from her presentation was that every little girl should look like a little doll.  A little living doll.

Or fake one.  Which brought us to the first Ultimate Grand Supreme hopeful.

Tomboy Jordan and her Mom Crystal gave us a quick show & tell of all the swag collected from the 150 pageants that they had competed in over the years.  None of it signified Über Top Dawg status and none of it was more important to Jordan, when asked, than a tiny football trophy.  Mom did some quick pageant math in her head, and wasn’t too happy with that answer.

Crystal explained that pageants are like drugs or something, and that you end up spending your budgeted household bill money on sparkly stuff just so you can have friends.

Then there was an awkward silence.  Right.  About.  Here.

Yeah.  Mom seemed to be a tad more into the pageant system than her 9 year old daughter.  Perhaps even more than just a tad if you really followed the clues.

The first clue being Mom’s constant reminders that Jordan had yet to bring home the ultimate prize, despite over 150 chances to get it right.  But we’re going to keep going and going and going until you do, right?

The second clue being Jordan flat out stating that she’d rather be home eating worms all day than doing these pageants.

And then she ate some.  Real ones.  Red Wigglers, the Cadillac of Worms, as they say on the docks.  But none of them were filled with the flavorful pee that she had acquired a taste for during her last fishing trip.

I was a little concerned that a 9 year old girl even knew how to tell if a worm had to go to the bathroom, while Mom was a little concerned that Jordan was never going to hook a man if she kept eating all the bait.

Our second princess was trying to get a jump start on her scores, and had already arrived in Reno ahead of schedule.

Mama Miss Thang Ty and 9 year old Cariah were already at the hotel marking their turf, accompanied by a second little wannabe sister.

Now you know how much I love me some randomly placed, unexplained children roaming through every T&T scene.  This one was at least introduced, but then she was relegated to running around and getting sassy on her own while Mama laid it all down for Cariah.

Sister had some attitude.  She reminded me of a pip squeak Solange Knowles trying to get some candy while sister Beyoncé hogged all the good stuff.  It was kind of like that, with a little bit of neglected Destiny’s Child thrown in for good measure.

Spoiler Alert:  Sister was the best part of the actual pageant when the sugar finally kicked in and she went full-on fierce sassy pants in the audience.  If I’m ever up for an award I want that kid in the audience, crossing her fingers and testifying to the Lawd so hard that she almost passes out.  She was a hoot.

Mama started to explain how her daughters were beautiful from the day they were born, but she lost me when she started talking about stuff coming out her Exit Womb and I had to go get a cold compress for my forehead.  Thanks for sharing.

Last, but not least, was 5 year old Alyssa and her GlamMa Tina.  Mom Marilyn was also there, but Glammy was large and in charge.

Alyssa was seriously cute in that sweetie pie Telemundo music video kind of way, and had no problems following GlamMa’s instructions to smile until her face hurt.  The entire family was actually exceptionally smiley.

When the whole gang was together in the living room for pretty feet practice, accompanied by two more random boys chilling on the couch, the whole thing looked exactly the way you would imagine a recording studio would look if En Vogue was laying down fresh new tracks for a reunion album.

I’m not even making it up.  Check the Instant Replay.  Chicks standing up in the sound booth.  Dudes working the mixing boards on the couch.  And a little girl running around the building because the babysitter never showed.

While they all tweaked their new Top 40 hit, Jordan was back home rehearsing and getting creeped out my Mom’s porcelain doll collection.

Her massive porcelain doll collection.

Throughout the episode, Crystal had made numerous references to their financial situation and how tight the budget was for everything that is required to stay in the pageant game.  It didn’t take long to figure out that all the money they could have put towards reseeding the front yard had gone to cupcake dresses, refrigerator magnets and dolls.  But mostly magnets and dolls.  Lots of magnets.  Lots of dolls.

Enough dolls to fill a three hour block on QVC with nothing but Marie Osmond as a guest.  Porcelain for miles.

And they all creeped out Jordan.  Especially when Mom did the worst attempt at ventriloquism I’ve ever seen and made the crazy judge dolls give their scores.

Run, Jordan.  Run like the wind.  And never look back.

Maybe if she ran far enough she could even meet up with Cariah & Company for a pedicure.  Mama Ty had a strict NO Crusty Feet policy in her family contract (…who doesn’t, right?..) so with all that spare time in Reno she took Cariah and Solange downtown for a foot buff.  Between scrapes of the sandpaper we also got a chance to really see where the girls get their sass.

Mama sez: Pageant World…we comin’.  Pay the Cost to be the Boss.  You know what time it is, mmmkay?  Oh, snap.

Seriously.  Every word out of Ty’s mouth needs to be screen printed onto a t-shirt and sold outside the Apollo Theater on the weekends.  Love her.

Back at En Vogue’s crib, Alyssa tried on her new Under The Sea outfit, which brought the tally for this pageant up around the $3000 mark.  Think how many dolls Crystal could buy with that bankroll.  Especially if they were Today’s Special Value.

Dang, girl.

Alyssa looked like a mini JLo as she worked the carpet in her latest bathing suit-ish ensemble.  She is cute.  End of story.

GlamMa compared pageant prep to a football pre-game ritual, and now all I can imagine is that at least one male judge a week must be wearing a cup under the table.

Thanks for that visual, Glammy.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Emcee Derrick Chrisinger was back, working the table in his logo polo.  He’s a rockstar.

I’m not sure why I’m so fascinated with Derrick being able to sit down and work it like he’s demoing sun tan lotion at a local bar, but I am.  He totally looks like he was supposed to be set up with a WTLC 95.5 radio remote at one of those places that makes their own beer and accidentally pulled into the wrong parking lot in the company van.

But he works that MacBook Pro set list like a Boss and isn’t going to let go of the microphone even if the building catches on fire.

Dude grips that thing like it’s Karaoke Night and his ex-girlfriend just showed up.

Our girl Carol Fleming lost composure for a second and had a little giggle fit when she let us all know that Jordan didn’t have a chance in Hell of winning this thing, and I could picture Crystal’s email requesting a refund going out before the next commercial break.

Carol felt that Cariah had the element of surprise in her favor, but our little princess was too busy sucking down a gigantic frozen Starbucks up in her hotel room to hear the compliment.

Ty had hired a new makeup girl for this show, and flabbergasted Shanna tried her best to keep Mama happy, which was an exercise in futility.  Ty kept nagging and pointing out uneven eyebrows and pale lips until I thought Shanna was going to just hand over her eye shadow tray and hit the road.

Shanna looked exactly like one of those preppy, nerdy, quiet types who suddenly take off their glasses, undo their ponytail and just get freaky on yo’ a** at the clubs.  Like a naughty secretary in a naughty movie.  I liked her, but she didnt’ stand a chance with Ty. After one pageant she turned in her makeup card and left a patch of rubber in front of the hotel, never to be seen again.

Thanks for playing.

Jordan and Alyssa had a tougher, overly bleached out, tattooed lady for their hair and makeup and this one had no problem keeping up with the drama.  Except for Jordan’s see-through fake hair piece that was so flimsy it couldn’t even be used for the pageant.

Crystal had spent $200 on that wispy weave (…how many glassy eyed Victorian dolls could those Benjamins have paid for?…) so she had a little melt down when she found out it was useless.  There was also what appeared to be a naked dead body in the bed behind her during all the dramz.

Maybe it was just a no-name brother still asleep in a tangle of bed sheets.  But it was weird, regardless.

After being told to swallow her spit (…whoa…yes…I also thought Mama said the other thing the first time I heard it, but luckily it wasn’t the question I thought it was…) Cariah hit the stage and showed off the 50 pound dress that Ty had made as a DIY project.

There was a lot going on with that dress.

Jordan was a little speedy on her stage walk, but she looked nice with only real hair attached to her skull.  She got points taken off her score for not piling on another foot of synthetic curls, but it was refreshing to see a normal sized head.

Every week someone gets locked out of their room.  This week it was Jordan and her out of control Mom.  The way Crystal was going off on the front desk on her cell phone you would have thought one of her dolls was unresponsive in the bath tub or something.

It’s also not saying much for whichever factory makes those defective hotel swipe cards with the magnetic strips.

The Under The Sea part was what you’d expect.  Fish and Whales and a girl with lobster claws instead of hands.  I think they were just mittens and not a medical thing.

Cariah fell down in the lobby, cried hysterically and almost ran her makeup.  Mama didn’t know what to do.  I was thinking maybe she could help her kid back up off the floor or hug her or put pressure on the wound, but she seemed to be more worried about runny mascara and why Solange was always in the way.

Then some kids won some stuff.

Jordan and Cariah didn’t win what Mom and Mama had wanted them to win, so there were plenty of issues with those announcements.  What the Hell is a Mini Grand, anyway?  It’s crap.

Alyssa won Ultimate Grand Supreme and the entire recording studio erupted in applause.

At the end, all three Moms had to sit together in that little confessional moment that I love so much.  Picture three college girls who all dated the same guy being forced to sit side by side, knowing that only one of them was still getting any action back at the Ultimate Grand Supreme Frat House.

It was like that.  But way better.

Over the top.  And Under The Sea.


%d bloggers like this: