Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Beach Beach Baby. It’s Finally Time To Make Some Waves With Universal Royalty Pageants.

Sunday, November 6th, 2016




I have a special pink room upstairs with no doorknobs or windows just for Eden. She’s pretty.






You get them curls on point, girl. I know that little man and his blog are coming for me this week.






So, yeah. $8,000 on a teacher’s salary is basically why I do all my cooking on that plastic stove back there…






I know I didn’t come back just so TLC could pimp all their new shows in my shot. Get this s*** off my patooties.






I don’t even work for that lady and she sprayed her stuff in my face when I got off the elevator.






Lawd Geezis! She got that baby right in the eyes. She’s blind now but her skin is like buttah.






And by ‘pretty’…I mean I’m pretty sure I’ll find Eden Wood some day and keep her up there forever.




Wait.  What?

Why you crying, Boo?

It’s only been a week.


Really.  Stop it.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back already.  It’s ok.

No more tears, please.  We only like #HappyEyes here.

Well hydrated, wrinkle-free #HappyEyes.  Which (…Spoiler Alert!…) are way easier to attain than you might think, even if your orbs are still burning from last week’s Me And My Pet Pageant PoopFest.

So stay tuned for all the details.  I wouldn’t joke about crows feet on a 5 year old.

And neither would my Pageant Coach/Internet Girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield, who kicked off this week’s episode by taking the entire Cambrie’s Court contingent back to Amnesia Salon & Spa to celebrate last week’s poop-free victory and get yet another one of her favorite hangouts some free advertising.

spa1cLook at me when I’m talking to you, woman.  I see what you did there.

But it’s all good.  The kids deserved a congratulatory Spa Day, especially since they would be going back up against the Sassy Supremes at this week’s upcoming competition.

Cue the Split Screen.

ssDat’s rite.  You heard me.  After a brief hiatus, Jaimie and the Sassy Supremes were back!

And back with a vengeance, apparently.  Just check out the action over at Supreme Headquarters.

Surrounded by her Supreme Squad, some seriously retro ’50s window coverings and a whole bunch of snacks, Jaimie laid out the game plan for this week’s Universal Royalty Pageant.  S² was back, yo.

And all the Sassy Moms were eating it up.  Literally.  Like soldiers preparing for battle.

All of them except for that one in the back, that is.  The one who couldn’t stop looking at whatever was happening up on the ceiling.  She even stopped eating a slice of pizza to check out the action.ss2

Whoa.  Now it’s over there.ss1

And now it’s back over there.ss3That little Mom who called Cambrie’s Court ‘Criminal Court’ is gonna hit her head on that kitchen cabinet if she gets herself any more worked up over the competition.

And isn’t that third Mom the one with the husband who always wears cowboy hats and almost threw down in a hotel lobby a few weeks ago?

Thought so.tumblr_mwtco7tntn1qde4uko1_500So the (…alleged…) word on (…Jaimie’s…) street was that all the UR Pageants were fixed.  Straight-up rigged so that Cambrie’s girls would always win.  Jaimie said it on camera.  I think she even sang it once.


One:  Gurrrl, I do NOT wanna be around when UR Pageant Director Annette Hill hears dat.
2Two:  Gurrrl, I do NOT wanna be around when UR Pageant Director Annette Hill hears dat.

I love Jaimie, tho.  And Adele.  And Jaimie/Adele.

And this show.  Times Infinity.

Back at the Spa, where (…holla!…) Cambrie gets her own hair did, FYI…


…the Court Coach was reliving some of the most emotionally scalp-scarring moments from her own pageant career:  Split Ends and Breakage.

True Fact:  Jackin’ it to Jesus can take a toll on a girl.


And don’t even get me started on #HappyEyes of the #TexasTease.

But have no fear, America.

Cambrie’s Collagen Spray© is here!  And only 19.99 if you order before midnight tonight.

I know, right?  Cambrie Littlefield has a line of Pageant Products?  Who knew?  Because I didn’t.

Probably because she hasn’t sent me any free samples.

Or maybe because my mall doesn’t have a Pageants ‘R’ Us store yet.  Or both.

Regardless, I have no real excuse for my ignorance surrounding this necessary and life changing aerosol-free spray that not only miraculously restores elasticity to your damaged hair but also undoes all the wrinkly old lady creases you get from squinting while you finger kiss.



And #Goals.  I heart Cambrie a little too hard sometimes.

Side note:  When that P’R’Us store does sign the lease and that last Radio Shack finally moves out, you just know one of those Nisa Hooper Throwing Shade Sunglass Hut kiosks is gonna open up right in front of their damn door and the shizz is really gonna start hitting the fan.

Which reminds me.  No Nisa again?

nocryYeah.  What she said.


Cambrie had all the women yank out each other’s hair…tumblr_mczfcasmet1ql5yr7o1_400 giphy tumblr_mlbbfzaoro1ql5yr7o1_500…and then coat the strands with a few squirts of magic collagen made from the tears of unicorns…

cs…and suddenly the hair was not only invisible, but also stretchy and now stood a much better chance of actually making it all the way to Jesus without breaking off like uncooked Wednesday night spaghetti.

And then all the kids took it in the face.imagecoll1anigif_enhanced-buzz-8975-1359400095-0coll4

How do you feel about that?

cambrie z-formationSide note:  Look at Jayliana‘s Mom Deb when all this was going down.  Really?


I don’t think so.

And that guy with the visor on his head wasn’t buy it, either.  These kids are kids.

tumblr_n3kfs0rbjc1svlvsyo2_250Deb couldn’t even deal and went home to have another cocktail on the couch…


…where she lost her shoe again, forgot what year Jayliana was born and now I love her even more.

Side note #2:  Isn’t that Mustache Guy again?  Hit me.

mgtumblr_mr0svktnny1qf7ds7o4_250Finally, we moved on to some town that was clearly in the middle of a life threatening drought and met our first little contestant, who was trying her darnedest to paddle up a dried-out river bed and make it to safety before her teddy bear passenger got heat stroke and died in a pool of his own furry sweat.

boatMeet  5 year old Kaydence and her Mom Autumn.

k3 autKaydence liked baitin’ a slimy hook and fishin’ and huntin’ a whole bunch better than she liked getting her makeup done for pageants.  Getting that same wormy hook right in the eye might even be more fun for tiny KayKay than pageants, if we’re being completely honest.

But she was so cute that she can do whatever she wants.  She has my permission.

kMom was super smiley and nice and I pegged her as either a nurse or a teacher before she even blurted out that she taught school children for a measly $38,000.

People in Charge of Paying Teachers:  Shame on you for not paying our teachers more.

They’re grooming the future of our country, fercryinoutloud.  And that’s not even sarcasm.  The part about Autumn cooking dinner in an EasyBake Oven and hoping her husband doesn’t find out that $8,000 went to pay for Kaydence’s pageants instead of a new muffler might be…but gah.

And then the Gods of Reality Television gave us an early holiday gift.

They gave us this.

And this.all

And all of this.allredPageant Mom Sharilynne and 8 year old Mehalye have arrived, America.

Love.  Them.

And it doesn’t hurt that Mehalye is coached by Nikki Nicole, who made it to the last round of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Day Camp.  Because, you know…Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader Day Camp.

That’s Nikki Nicole right there, calling her lawyer because I called it Day Camp when I know better.

nn2Side note:  Mehalye also knows how to do the Cowboy Dip and you don’t.

Drop it like you’re diving for cover under the saloon table, girlfriend.

doorQ.  If that Christmas wreath around the deer head catches on fire, how are they gonna get out when the couch is blocking the door?  Or better yet, why are there two doors side by side in that house? And please tell me this episode was shot during the holiday season and that Sharilynne is not just one of those people who leave their lights up all year long?

I.  Love.  This.  Show.

Almost as much as Sharilynne loves Eden Wood.


You remember Eden, right?

One of the breakout stars from Toddler 1.0.


She sang that song ‘Cutie Patootie’ and had this whole situation going on in her room.

Eden even had her own spin-off show where her Mom Mickie would always fight with their old red haired manager.  The one who always wore khakis.  And there was also another guy who carried a little dog around all the time but I forget his name.  edensworldI think this is Eden, too.  If it’s not, it’s still trippy.

tumblr_lr8kv29ou71qdaej0o1_500There was also a whole lot of post-show drama that caused Eden to don a black wig and temporarily go undercover, just like when Luke and Laura had to leave Port Charles to escape the Mob.

jolrsd143 thIt’s a long story.  Google it, because I’m not sure if any of it is actually true.

But Sharilynne LOOOOOOOVES Eden.  That part I know is true.  You just wait.

First we had to meet 10 year old Abby and her Mom Christie and Christie’s black Amex.

a1 m1

Abby was redoinkulously cute.  Like Alfalfa from The Little Rascals.  But with a bow.

abby alfalfa

And way more money.

Like $1,800 for a dress.  And $650 for something I forgot to write down.  And $250 for hair.  And $35 for a spray tan not done on your kitchen table.  And $200 for flippers.  And something else that her Mom rattled off but the sound of my bouncing rent check drowned her out.

tumblr_inline_n96vunkmhd1sdanxj$16,000-17,000 dolla make me holla dollas.

And a privat jet.  Did I mention that yet?

h2Side note:  Her hangers don’t all match.


You can fly all around the planet on a private jet, chewing on $200 worth of vinyl teeth…but Mama can’t pick up a case of Huggable Hangers on HSN?  #NotJudgingTho

Look at how cute she is.  Really.


Side note #2:  Cambrie showed up in her daytime au natural makeup and broke the internet.

clFinally, it was Showtime!

And time for my girl Annette Hill to arrive.

ahtumblr_inline_ocefszbiuk1so6h58_500ah1Mama don’t wear no bun no more, boyeeez.

Annette is the Queen.

If it twinkles, sparkles or sounds like Motown…yes, please.

But more than ONE winner?  Excuse me?

You don’t see 4 Miss Americas when the show’s over, do you?

You know that’s right.


This week was divided into 2 categories:  Beach Ball Beauty and Swimsuit Cutie.

And the whole shebang was chock full of celebrity guest judges and bad hair choices.

Like poor Mehalye, whose brand new Hair Lady sent this creation down the runway:


But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the judges.

Yaaaaas, Gawd.  The Top Hat Boyz!  Both of them.

This one…


And this one…Full Disclosure:  Those are old photos to prove my point that the Boyz were only given 12 seconds of screen time this week and that there was not nearly enough glittery goodness to capture multiple shots.

Shame on you America for underpaying our teachers and not giving the THBz enough FaceTime.

And Mickie Wood!


Wait.  What?

Mickie?  Does that mean…?


Dial it down, honey.

Don’t even tell me…or Sharilynne, God help us…that Eden Wood is in the building.  Don’t.

Too late.  She’s baaaaaaack.ewewthbBonus Points for that Top Hat #SideEye.  Snap, gurl.  Take my screen time, bitch?

Sharilynne lost her noodle.  And her glasses.  She cried so many times I lost track.glasses cryTo lighten the mood, here are the two girls who hand out samples at Sephora every weekend.

sephSomewhere in all of this hilarity was also when Mehalye sat in the lobby with her (…Spoiler Alert…) #KrispyKremeHair, refusing to do her on-camera interviews until Mom greased her #DonutHead and palm with a crisp new Andrew Jackson.

$10 Poorer:chair

$10 Richer:chair1If I got 10 bucks every time I had a bad hair day in grade school…srsly.

Since this is another 2-parter and we wasted so much time making collagen jokes, I should probably speed this up a little by just hitting the high points until next week.

Mehalye’s #KrispyKremeHair was a big hit with the Boys.  While the one on the left got hilariously snarky about her #DonutHead, the one on the right literally licked his lips just thinking about a hot one rolling down the conveyor belt.  You think they buy those suits off the rack?  Cuz I’m kinda digging ’em.

thbLook.  Marcy likes donuts, too.


Sharilynne cried again and then crazy laughed, which now haunts even my waking moments.crazyAll the kids were cute on stage.  They always are.

aba kbaCambrie kicked #DonutHead out of the lobby chair so she could plop herself down in her new Miss Universe couture and pretend she was at a Real Housewives Reunion Show or something.

Girlfriend knows good lighting when she sees it.


The producers got a little shady and did a flashback with Mickie Wood’s old hair and face.


A couple of Moms and coaches gave hand cues, which we all know by now is not cool.

And then the TLC censors tried to cover up Cambrie’s full frontal with yellow Lady Gaga tape because there were so many kids in the ballroom.  Nice try, guys.  It can’t be done.boob gagathumbclboob


And then it was over.

Well.  Except for the part where Sharilynne went back upstairs and passed out behind her hotel room door while somebody was trying to dismantle Mehayle’s #DonutHead and somebody else with a walkie talkie was trying to come in to ask some questions.


Side note:  That lady took her sweet time putting down that boom mic before coming to Sharilynne’s rescue, but I know those things are expensive.

And then it was really over.

Until next week, I mean.

…to be continued.


Bring It!: The Dolls Face The Dollz In A Memphis Rematch. We’re Talking Hip Hop, Booty Pops…And Do I See Boys?

Friday, September 12th, 2014




Yaaaaaaaas, Honey! I wanted to ride that crazy bitch like a big diesel John Deere Weave Whacker!







Excuse me?







Honestly, I’m way too stressed out about this whole Hip Hop thang to even begin tryna figure out my Mama.






We’re going Uptown to lay some Smack Down on M-Town. It’s time to spank some babies, y’all.






Bitch, pleez. My trophy for ‘Biggest DBag Compensating For His Inadequacy’ is bigger than that. Give it to the gurlz.







Excuse me?







Lawd Have Mercy. There ain’t enough cookies in the trunk or cake in the oven for all this drama.




You know what they say.

It’s always sumthin in Memphis.

Well, maybe not when it comes to the BBQ ribs, because those are consistently pretty tasty no matter where you end up.  They’re also not as messy as the Kansas City rub variety, which is a plus if you just got your nails did or have your son’s birthday party scheduled for next weekend.

But if you and your Bring It! crew are planning to head across the border from Jackson in search of some drama-free Hip Hopping?

Then, yeah.  It’s gonna be sumthin.  Always.

Just ask the Dancing Dolls.

Been There.  Done That.  Got the Bedazzled T-shirt.

This week Dianna Williams and the girls were headed back to that little corner of Tennessee again to prove, once and for all, who Run The World.  Or at least the city of Memphis.  And hopefully with less stress and scoring errors than they’ve encountered during their last few visits.

In addition to competing in the Stand Battle (…which the Dolls can set on fiyah in their sleep, thank you very much…) the Team was also signed up for a whole new category.

Hip Hop.

Side note:  As Miss D laid out all the deets, that sound you heard in the background was just Camryn knocking her head against the wall so many times that she went through the sheet rock into the adjoining retail establishment.


Clearly, our girl’s not a big fan of the Hip.  Or the Hop.

Assuming that they even made it past the Memphis Border Patrol, the Dolls would be going up against the Sensational Divas, the Divas of Distinction, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz and the Girls Who Honestly Believe That They Stand A Chance Of Marrying One Of The Guys From 5 Seconds Of Summer.

(Good luck with that one, by the way.)

Oh.  And did I mention that the Dolls would also be facing M-Town Image?

No way.  Boyz?  In the hizzle?

M-Town was apparently a Memphis big dealio made up of nothing but boy parts, so that just raised the bar for Miss D and the Dolls.  You know how those boys dance nowadays.

As the girls all formed a human tug-of-war chain to pull Cammie’s head out of the neighboring Sleep Number Bed store, the DDP Mamas were all outside in the midst of their own majorly awesome Weave War.

I know, right?  I didn’t even know there was such a thing.

Turns out that my girl Tina, Neighborhood Surveillance MonitorMom Mimi and It’s Rittany Bitch all had a little problem with the mylar balloon arch that Seloncé had carted into last week’s competition in honor of Sunjai‘s first Stand Battle.

You know the one.  The one that spelled out S-U-N-J-A-I in letters so big that the crew of the International Space Station is still using it to recharge their solar panels and take selfies from 248 miles away.  That balloon arch.


Seloncé didn’t see anything wrong with celebrating her child.  Heck, Tina has a closet full of curvy Kayla Couture and Mimi’s got that gigantic Cammie Head-On-A-Stick (…which I totally need for my own gigantic Head-On-A-Stick collection, BTW.  Hook a brotha up…)

So what was all the whoop about a big a** balloon arch?

You had to see it to truly appreciate it.

Everyone was trying to explain how they should be celebrating the entire team, not just one girl.  It was everyone’s day, not just Sunjai’s day.  Everyone was talking at once.  They were looking at each other and then they were turning their backs on each other and then they were looking at each other again.

I call a Weave War!

And then Tina just whipped it.  Whipped it good.

Right in Seloncé’s face.  Like one of those spinning mop things they use to clean the marble post office floors that always snap your ankles when you try to walk around the crazy maintenance guy.

Oh, you got some hair now?  Well so do I.

Hair whip.  Hair whip.  MmmHmm.  MmmHmm.

Tina werked it like I don’t know what.  And then Seloncé did.  And then back and then forth.  Mimi even got a mouthful when she accidentally got too near the line of fire.

I’m pretty sure Seloncé actually did part of the Single Ladies dance at some point.

Check it out:s

Mimi tried to break it down and make Seloncé see how she always turns every Sunjai Day into a Seloncé Day.  Both of which should totally be National Holidays when the Stock Market doesn’t open, if anyone is asking for my opinion.

Side note:  You can tell Rittany works in retail, because she just stood there with her face in her palm like I used to do every Black Friday.  Once you’ve seen people throw down over a waffle iron at 5am…you’ve seen it all.

And then somehow the whole discussion suddenly turned to cake.  Which Tina loves.  Next thing you knew, the two of them were hugging it out and realizing that their energy would be better spent whipping up a box of Betty Crocker Red Velvet.

Because, I mean…who doesn’t like cake?

Make.  This.  Show.  Be.  Two.  Hours.

Back inside, the Dolls were revving up a new Motorcycle Stand.  Literally.

Like you’d see on America’s Got Talent or something, where the girls all climbed on top of each other and turned themselves into a human motorcycle.

Which you pedaled, like a normal bike.  Wait.  What?

I know.  I didn’t ask.  Dianna seemed so into the motorcycle concept that I didn’t want to burst her bubble.  Plus, I’m already afraid she’s gonna hold a grudge when I point out all that DD4L Christmas Tree Shoppe clutter again.

You see all that?  Boxes and glitter ‘Ds’ and plastic fake tupperware things from Target and that one lone broken leg crutch that’s still behind the desk.

Gurrrl, that shizz is EVERYwhere.

But I looove me some DD4L, so it’s all good until the fire department shuts you down.bp

ATTENTION! We interrupt this recap for a special announcement:

Happy Birthday, Cobe!  

It was the little peanut’s Big Day, so Dianna rented out an entire Community Center for a party waaaaay better than anything her son would get at Chuck E Cheese’s.

Full disclosure:  At first I thought it was a prison she rented out.  Really.  I swear that’s what the outside of that building looked like, but then I couldn’t recall ever seeing photos of any maximum security cellblock with an inflatable slide and a bouncy tent.  I also thought that Cobe ran through a tunnel of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, which turned out to be incorrect as well, so I think I’ll just let Dianna do all the party planning from now on and I’ll stick to what I know.

Or pretend to know.

I will also take off my cardboard party cone hat and salute pee wee Cobe for being such a playground playa.

Srsly.  Did you see all the grammar school babes he had dancing around him?  Dude has no adult teeth yet, but he’s got some serious Game.

After a few more slices of cake, because…I mean, you know… it’s cake…everyone scooted back to the Dollhouse for the final Hip Hop cuts.

Since I’m still getting death threats for making fun of the shower caps, we’ll skip right over this part.  But the names, tho.

(Love this show.  Two hours, please.  That’s all I’m asking.)cc

Finally, it was Showtime!

The Dolls hadn’t seen the Dollz (…with a ‘Z’…) since the Bucking Burlesque Battle, so Dianna knew that by now their opponents would be packing some new Stands, which DDDirector John Connor was more than happy to brag about when they arrived.

Remember John?  He’s the one with all the tattoos and not enough carbs.  Nice guy.  I like him even though the he could use a little more cake.

You couldn’t miss M-Town when they showed up, because they came into the building like every dude I ever knew in high school (…myself included…) who walked into every Friday night cafetorium dance all YoYo and Let’sDoThis and HeyGirlSup? getting all FistPump on everyone in their orbit.


M-Town Director Robert Ward made it crystal clear that his team could do everything from B-Boying to astrophysics and teleportation.  He kept tilting his head back and forth like DangGirlYouFine so much that his baseball cap ended up spinning around backwards.

Camryn was still stress bagging a little bit as the competition got ready to begin.  Before they headed to Memphis Mimi had pointed out that Cammie needed to be well-rounded if she wanted to make it in the World of Dance.  Not everybody likes Hip Hop.  But not everybody likes Algebra either, but you gotta do whatchoo gotta do sometimes.

That’s what happens when you’re too young to remember the TV show Fame.  

Forget all this pussy Glee stuff.  You want Fame?  Well Fame costs.  But you wouldn’t know that if you’ve never felt Debbie Allen slam a dance stick into your big toe right before call-back auditions.k

PS.  I wanna live forever.  Google it.

Side note:  While Dianna was giving her final pep talk before the Big Game, Camryn was shaking and practicing so much behind Miss D that I thought Lifetime had hired a sign language interpreter.

Relax, honey.  You’ll be fine.

When M-Town hit the floor in head-to-toe Mr. Clean, they Hip Hop danced like boys Hip Hop dance.  I don’t think they were ready for Step Up 3D: Part 7, but I like that thing where you go from laying on your stomach to backing up onto the tip of your Jordans.

Whatever that’s called.

Then the Dolls hit the floor.  Hit it Hip Hop Hard.  In sequined varsity jackets.

And it was Buck.  And how ’bout dat Kayla?  Holy KaylaMoly, Batman.  All slo-mo Running Man and chest popping and tucking all the boys’ stuff right back up where it came from.


And can we please have a special trophy next time just for Tina?  Cuz that bitch can’t sit still.  She was doing her signature shuffle all over the place.  And it gave me Life.

Whoever draws the short straw each week and has to sit next to Kayla’s Mama in the audience is guaranteed to go home with a bruise or two.

The crowd was going nuts.  The DDPs were going nuts.  I was going nuts.  mh1

By the time the Dolls slammed down their jackets and ended the Hip Hop routine with a Time Bomb I think my pajamas were on backwards.

Side note:  Excuse me, but I saw some Baby Dolls.  Whaaaat?  If this show was two hours like it was supposed to be, we could have seen them perform.  Just saying.

As the Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Dollz kicked into super-turbo high gear, everyone in the building was so wound up that taking the time to install all those seats in the building now seemed rather pointless.

The Dollz totally ripped off the Baby Dolls’ WhatTimeIsItOnMyNewAppleWatch? move by tapping their forearms, by the way.  I see what you did there.  Not cool.

But they done good otherwise.  Even Mimi had to admit they upgraded.

Not that it mattered by the time the Dolls rode that motorcycle.  Not one bit.  Construction guys actually came in and removed all the seats and nobody even noticed.

It was crazy.  Dianna ran in circles just slapping random strangers it was so good while Mimi jumped on Seloncé’s back and rode her all the way back to Jackson.

And then the awards were handed out.  The Dolls won First Place for Hip Hop and Robert Ward won First Place for being a Sore Loser.

The Twitterverse called him ‘salty’ (…which I don’t even know what that means…) but I prefer the term ‘being a Tool.’  Because that’s totally what he was doing.

h 2

He said that M-Town doesn’t care about trophies.  (Right.)  Because M-Town wins all the time.  (How’s that working out for you today?)  And besides, it was a little trophy.  (Mine’s bigger than yours.)  So just give it to the girls.

Thanks for the offer, dude.  But it looks like somebody already beat you to it.

Booyeah.  FistPump.

And then the Stand Battle ended in a tie.

Hold up.  A tie?

Q.  What is it with Memphis?  It’s always sumthin.  And how many outfits did John pack for this trip?  Seriously.  He was in different clothes every time they interviewed him.

Boys.  Go figure.

So another week was over.  Another win.  And another chance to learn and grow.

Camryn added another style of dance to her resume and made Mama proud.

Kayla proved that she can hang with the boys and lead her team to victory.  And the DDPs were still intact and feeling the love.  And that’s what the show is always about.

Family.  Friends.  And the Message.

That calls for a celebration.

And some cake.

Because…you know.



Bring It!: Lawd Have Mercy, Please Let Sunjai Make Cuts. I’m Running Out Of Prayers…But I Got Plenty Of Balloons.

Friday, September 5th, 2014





I don’t even think that was chicken.







Sunjai Made Cuts. OMG OMG OMG!! Sunjai Made Cuts. OMG OMG OMG!! Sunjai Made Cuts.






There’s proud. And then there’s Baby Daddy Proud. And that’s how we do.






Just saying if she mess up, Imma gon’ snatch your damn head off like it’s your Mama’s wig.






Check it, gurlz. I got my baby some balloons at iParty and found me a cardboard Jay-Z that is sooo fine.






Whatchoo wanna bet that last one ain’t floating so well cuz she sucked half the helium out of it.





Oprah sez: You get a car! You get a car! You get a car! You all get a car…and yo Mama’s Crazy!




Hold up.  Hold up.

Y’all might have to give me a minute.

I’m still coming down from last episode’s BabyBuzz and now we already have to do this again?  Seriously?  Maybe it really is a good thing that Bring It! is only one hour long, because two hours would might just lay me out for the rest of the week.

Psych.  Kidding.  Of course this show needs to be two hours long.

Der.  Love.

After the Baby Dancing Dolls (…‘Baby’ don’t mean ‘Baby,’ yo…) and the maternal DDPs (…‘Mama’ does mean ‘Bidnezz,’ tho…) did all the heavy lifting last week, it was time for the Original Recipe Dancing Dolls to come off the inactive list and get back to twerk.

And work.

This week the whole team would be staying local and only heading across the street to Jackson’s very own Buck It To The Floor competition, which up until the third commercial break I really thought was called the Bucket To The Floor competition.

Like a community clean-up day in the park or playground.  Or at that Tougaloo College they seem to like so much.  They go there enough.

Don’t laugh.  It would totally make sense since the Dolls are so heavily into being amazing role models and making a positive difference in their community.


(Which they are.  And they do, thank you very much.  Haters just gonna hate.  XOXO.)

But srsly.  Dianna Williams either needs to start talking a little slower or I need to work a little harder at putting some ‘thug’ in it, because half the time I just pretend to know what she’s saying.  I think my girl Kayla is about to give up on me after 17 episodes.

No wonder she makes so many faces.

And don’t even get me started on Neighborhood Security Cam Mimi.  

Who I totally heart, BTW.  But if she’s on her third cup of Starbuck’s or a giant bug lands on her face…forget about it.  When that happens, I’m probably better off just turning down the volume and talking like Charlie Brown‘s teacher.  MwahMwah4L!

Love.  Them.  All.  Two hours, please.

At this week’s competition the Dolls would be focused on the Stand Battle only and be coming up against the Precise Diamonds, the Sensational Divas, the return of Virtuous Divine and the Girls Who Post Naughty Nurse Halloween Photos On Facebook Every Single Year And Then Wonder Why They Can’t Find A Nice Boy.

The last time the Dolls faced Virtuous Divine, it was a close match.  Despite the fact that Virtuous Divine held a little girl up in the air for so long that half the audience left early to beat traffic, the Dolls still ended up winning the competition and I ended up using all my best ‘VD hysteria spread throughout the crowd’ jokes on the last recap.

And now I got nuthin.

Because of their history, Miss D knew that no matter how well prepared the girls were on the big day, VD could attack with a burning vengeance (…ok, maybe I still had one pretty good one left…) so she got right down to rehearsing some fresh new Stands while the Mamas lurked outside on the sidewalk.


Today’s Hot Topic:  Sunjai.

Despite her progress, Sunjai had still not made cuts even once this season and both Mama Seloncé and my little red firecracker Tina were just ’bout ready to flip their lids.


Or at least Tina was.  Her lid seems to be more easily detached than Seloncé’s.

Remember that?  That time when Tina snatched her own wig and threatened to not put it back on again until Sunjai made cuts?

And she had all that IDon’tKnowWhatThatWas hair underneath?  The kind of hair that looked like those dolls you bring to Bingo Night and rub for good luck right before the machine starts popping out ping pong balls?  That kind of hair.

What?  What?  What?  What?  Please put that back on yo’ head.

That.  Was.  Awesome.  And we got to see it again.

That one scene alone sums up the DDPs.  They fight.  They yell.  They snatch and pat and dance and laugh until they can’t breath.  And then they usually fight some more.

But while they’re getting all up in your face, you can rest assured that they got your back.

They probably got cookies in the trunk, too.  But they got your back for sure.

For real.  And for life.  DDP4L.

(Repeat:  Love.  Them.  All.  Two hours, please.)

Lawd…if Sunjai make cuts, please lemme be at that party.

Back inside, the Dolls were fine tuning a new Stand, appropriately named ‘VD.’

Part Michael Jackson‘s Thriller, part Frankenstein when he first steps off the lab table and part how I look when I’m trying to avoid mud puddles because I’m too cheap to buy suede spray for my Banana Republic shoes, it was basically a dig at the signature JerkWalk the VD’s do right before they begin a Stand.

Unfortunately, Sunjai was having a little trouble keeping up with the new shizz.  She had the old Stands pretty much under control, but learning and memorizing the new choreography was proving to be a bit of a challenge due to the fact that her memorization is kinda bad.  Her memorization.

Well, not bad.  Just not good.  Her memorization, that is.  It’s not that bad.  Just not good.

Which she totally said.  Which made my head hurt a little, but also made me want to be her new BFF and go for seaweed facials next weekend.

While Sunjai did her best to make sure that her not really bad just not that good memorization improved, we scooted over to the Virtuous Divine studio to watch Director Fulvia Ford in action.  Or Action Hero, I should say.

Because that’s totally what her name reminds me of…one of those comic book action hero figures that always fall off the pegs at Target even if you barely touch them.

And once that happens, good luck putting them on eBay because nobody wants a Flame Throwing Princess Fulvia with a dinged up cardboard corner.  Trust me.

Yes.  I’m aware that some online pervs say Fulvia’s name sounds more like a naughty lady part than a comic book character.  But they’re wrong.  And they’re also pervs.  Why else would anyone be online talking about naughty lady parts on a Wednesday night?


I mean, can’t you totally see Fulvia in head-to-toe Fulvian spandex, harnessing the power of that pearl necklace (…clearly made out of pearls harvested from the Fulviatic Sea back on her home planet of Fulvania…) to fight crime or something?  Especially when she demonstrated that run down the studio floor in front of the girls and did that turn with her invisible lasso?  You know exactly what I’m talking about.

With trusty sidekick Co-Captain Jasmine by her side, of course.

We liked Jasmine.  Quite a bit, actually.  Great smile.  She just needs to learn how to talk into the camera without sounding like she’s doing an 8th grade book report.  But I’d be nervous, too.  Bonus points were given for talking in a superhero costume.

And then back in Jackson, in the Name of God Jesus, Dianna blew a nutty on Sunjai.  And it was a Miss D-sized nutty.  Which is even bigger than the ones you can buy at Costco.

Miss D had trust issues with Sunjai.  For the LuvOfGawd she couldn’t figure out why Sunjai works so hard and then just stops right before the finish line.

What time is it?  It’s Tough Love Time.

Not fair to the Team.  Not fair to yourself.  A slap in the face to everyone.

It was a Hallmark Moment, a Maya Angelou Moment, a Teaching Moment and the first Rocky movie all wrapped up in one big Miss D NuttyBar.

And then Sunjai got cut.  Again.


Even the Mamas heard that one all the way outside.  Which made Seloncé cry like Erica Kane used to cry on All My Children.  Seloncé even cries Pretty.

Activate:  DD4L!  Tina and Mimi came racing to her side for support, proving that they really are all one big, albeit slightly dysfunctional, Dancing Doll Family.

Side note:  Tina’s “I Love My Curves” t-shirt.  Shut.  Up.  Why aren’t we dating yet?

(That was a joke, Terrell.  Pump your brakes, Big Guy.)

And then right when everyone, and everything, appeared ready to implode…JJ showed up.  Baby Daddy to the rescue!  Cuz a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.

And what this Daddy’s gotta do right now is calm everyone down.  Work his JJMagic on the hysterical crowd.  Which he did.  Daddy Baby Sunjai went back inside to continue learning the Stands, Seloncé dabbed her eyeliner like a Real Housewife of Jackson and Tina just kinda stood there popping her wig on and off a few times.

In Tina’s defense, the whole thing did get a little confusing with everyone spinning around and crying so much.  I wasn’t sure what she was really supposed to do, either.

Side note:  Some Twitter Twits actually complained that Mimi was too low-key this week.

Excuse me?  One…I know you didn’t just diss my girl.  Two…let’s see you try being a good friend to someone in need while you’re running with scissors at 100 mph.

In a circle.  With no earrings and one sneaker.

It’s called an On/Off switch for a reason, people.  Don’t you worry.  She’s still a handful.


The next morning, with only a few hours to go before the competition, Sunjai met up with Kayla for some one-on-one Stand Battle Training.  Going to get those seaweed facials a few weeks back (…without me, in case you two didn’t even notice…) really seemed to help them grow closer.  Kayla wanted to be both a good friend and a good Captain to Sunjai as she struggled with her memorizational confidence and was more than willing to run her through the choreography a few times in a really big smiley face shirt.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And time for Sunjai to ask for one last chance.

Wait.  What?

Stand Battle Cuts an hour before the performance?  Really?

That idea’s as crazy as yo’ Mama, girl.

But it happened.  And it worked.  And Sunjai nailed it.  And then, after threatening to haunt Kayla for eternity from the grave if Sunjai even f***d up one 8 count of the Stand Battle, Dianna chillaxed and allowed Sunjai to perform with the girls.

Hold hands and say it with me:  Sunjai.  Made.  Cuts.

And the crowd went wild.  Seloncé pretty much lost her marbles and ran out of the building to buy an impromptu ballon arch that spelled out her daughter’s name in silver mylar, because I guess Jackson has a lot of places open on a Saturday that can rush job a balloon arch guaranteed to block the view of everyone in the back half of an auditorium.

Srsly.  I can’t even find four dozen Batman plates at the last minute, but Seloncé knows a guy who knows how to spell ‘Sunjai.’

Mimi and Tina’s faces, though.  Lawd, those

After one last warning (…when Miss D talks with her pinky, you know what that means…) Sunjai hit the floor and made her team proud.  And her Mama and Baby Daddy proud.

And the rest of the DDPs and the DDDs.

And even me.  Not gonna lie.  A little emotional.

The new Stand was a success and gave little Camryn a chance to show all those suckahs at APAC what they missed out on.  You might want to file this one under “Y” for ‘Your Loss,’ Mr. Dean of Admissions.  Yeah, I’m talking to you.

And then the Dancing Dolls won it all!

The Fulvanian Assault was well executed, but just wasn’t enough to compete with the new and improved Sunjai & The Dollettes.

Dianna was excited for her girls.  And for Sunjai, who proved that hard work and believing in yourself and your dreams can really pay off in the long run.

It’s called a Goal, kids.  Google it.

Needless to say, Seloncé and JJ were beyond excited for their daughter.  Daddy Baby done gooooood.  Big hugz.

And Kayla?

Phew.  Kayla was just excited that she didn’t have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night and seeing Dianna sitting in a chair on the other side of the room watching her sleep.  Because I’m thinking that when Dianna Williams says that she is gonna hold you accountable for something…she is gonna hold you accountable.

Everyone’s prayers were answered.

Sunjai made cuts.

Now please.  Put that back on yo’ head.



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