Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s A Hair Raising Countdown Flashback. Jessica And Justin Get All Frizzy And Fierce, Girl.

Wednesday, May 29th, 2013

JESSIs your wiglet a little wobbly?

Are your fake falls freaking you out?

Is your Miss America arm flapping around like it’s attached to an air traffic controller?

Well, then it must be time for another Toddlers & Tiaras flashback.

Because that’s what we do.  Especially when there’s still a week to kill until Season 6 SparkleSplats across our TV screen with all new episodes.

Lucky for all of us, there appears to be a limitless supply of  leftovers in the pageant pantry for everyone to nosh on one mo’ time.

Like Jessica and baby Ava and all that luxuriously awesome hair.  One of my favorite Moms evah.  Remember her?

Love me some Jessica.  Everything about her was big.

Like Best Buy TV big.  That big.

Big Personality.  Big Laugh.  Even bigger Hair.

Apparently, even her credit card bill from HomeGoods was pretty substantial.

I mean.  C’mon.  Everywhere you looked there was a rooster or sunflower or country sumthin sumthin from that front aisle when you first walk in the store.  If she doesn’t invite me over pretty soon for homemade lemonade and fresh snacks from the Farmer’s Market, I’m going to take it personally.

Big Butt jokes aside, she definitely got it from her Mama.

The personality, I mean.  Because Nana or Namna or Ninja or whatever Klingon name she had given herself…Grandma was just as much of a hoot.  And I’m a big fan of the Hoot DNA being passed down from generation to generation.

Dancing around the living room like she had all six numbers for Powerball, Nimna Helen made me love her right there on the spot.

Rocking out with that side to side arm thing that Bon Jovi always does in concerts, Helen swished her snappy Kohl’s sweater all around the living room like a Boss.

Namajama loved her pageants.

So did Mom Jessica, and she didn’t care what anyone else thought.  No ma’am.  And that was cool beans with me, because Jessica could do no wrong in my book.

Seriously.  Only a woman with that big a personality could anchor down that much hair without falling over backwards.  Months later, I still rewind the DVR and have no idea what a person does to make all that happen on their head every morning.  It must be like a sculptor creating a masterpiece out of clay, or something.

Except that this one is inexplicably created with just a full red CVS basket of hair care products that somehow allow Jessica to counteract the gravitational pull of the Earth.

Bucket List:  Spend one night at an ’80s Hair Band Tribute in the mosh pit with Jessica.

And live to tell the story.

And then there was that rogue housefly who took over her on-camera interview.

A classic television moment that will go down in history alongside Lucy & Ethel in the chocolate factory and pretty much everything…ever…from The Carol Burnett Show.

From that moment on, it was clear that I would always greet Jessica with a smile, open arms…and a closed screen door.

Cuz it’s mosquito season.

And I don’t want people thinking it’s nasty up in here.

FIERCEAnd speaking of fruit flies.

Remember Justin?

Justin Fierce.

From Fierce by Justin?

Like Bond.  James Bond.  But slightly sassier.

Part Muppet, part Annette Funicello and 99% strip mall Drag Diva, Justin was brought in by Grandma Pam to show little Ariana how to werk the runway for her upcoming pageant.

I don’t even know where to start, and it’s been like 100 years since the episode originally aired.  I should have been able to process all this by now.

I guess we could start with that weave.

Justin’s hair was equally as fascinating as Jessica’s, but for all the wrong reasons.  I’m still not really sure what was going on up there, with that odd combination of twisted hemp rope, Brillo and those headbands they always put on bald babies.

But he was Fierce.  Totz fierce, all you West Virginian Bitches.

From the neck up, anyway.  From the neck down he looked a little more like one of those customers at Hooter’s who keeps trying to cop a feel.

Yeah.  Justin was an odd juxtaposition of Fabulous and Flea Market.

But it took someone as fierce as Justin to stand up to Ya Ya Pat, her Pittsburgh Steelers mascot headgear and that crazy a** puppy tee shirt.

Honestly, if I was trapped in an elevator with both Ya Ya and Menomena Helen, my head would explode before we ever made it to the lobby.  It was that good.

Ya Ya was a spitfire, and it was clear that she could wreck the place on Bingo Night without ever putting down her Solo cup.

As Justin back kicked and lip licked his way around the back yard, Ya Ya ate it up with a spoon while Ariana tried to figure out how to butch it up a little before she hit the stage.

Dude.  The kid’s just going to walk around the Ramada in a cupcake dress, not headline in Vegas.  And she’s like 9 or something.

Clearly, Justin’s over the shoulder facial techniques were designed to score both points from the judges and free drinks at the club.

Needless to say, I’ve been practicing all the variations that he laid out in his tutorial and I’ll let you know how they go this weekend.  Daddy’s either gonna land some cocktails, a black eye or a night in jail.

Stay tuned.

And there you go.  Another round of flashbacks to get you through the dry spell.

Don’t worry.  All the glitz and guilty glam that you’ve come to know and love will be back soon enough.  And then the party really starts.

Until then, put your hands up in the air and wave ’em around like you got Grandma hair.

Whoop Whoop.  Who let the flies in?


Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Another Toddlers & Tiaras Flashback As Alana And Paisley Walk It And Werk It.

Saturday, May 25th, 2013

BOOIs your spray tan tingling?

Are your pretty feet dragging?

Is your energy level and pageant hair not quite as high as it should be?

You must still be looking to fill that void until Toddlers & Tiaras returns for Season Six.

Maybe some Boo Boo and Booger Realness will keep you off the streets until June 5, because Honey Boo Boo Child and Paisley Dickey are here to save the day.

Another Best Of Flashback, as it were.

Because that’s what I do.  I make everything all better.  And talk smack.

It’s like a gift or something.  I don’t question it, and neither should you.

Just strap yourself into the Tiara Time Machine and check out a few blasts from the past featuring two of America’s favorite pixie-stix princesses.

Who can forget the first time we all met Redneckulous Alana Thompson and her Redneckulous coupon clippin’, mud boggin’, cheese ballin’, butt tootin’ family?

Something about hollering for a dollar if memory serves me correctly.

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And how about that paper towel fight when Mama JuneSugar Bear and Boo Boo emptied out the Coupon Cavern and catapulted Brawny double-ply missiles all over the living room?

Or that dance.  That beautiful, captivating moment of musical spaz.

It’s true.  Alana’s Go-Go Juice inspired acid trip boogie still gives me life on rainy days.

It makes the best screen saver evah, and has probably set off way more strobe light seizures than TLC is willing to admit to in court.

Love.  Her.  And her backwoods, bat s*** crazy family, though I’m still waiting for my dinner invitation.  I can be there on the next train.  The one by your bathroom window.

I’ll cut them some slack and assume that they must be too busy cleaning the pig poo off the dining room table to hit me up on my Sidekick right now.  But call me, maybe?

Or we could just meet up in the Piggly Wiggly parking lot on Double Coupon Day.

And then there was tiny Paisley learning how to walk like a runway diva.

Seriously.  C’mon.  How cute is she?  Just.  Shut.  Up.


Paisley’s such a nugget that all Mom Wendy really needed to do was prop her up inside that Barbie corvette and let her sit there collecting trophies, but for some reason they felt she should walk around the stage a few times at the next pageant.

It probably had something to do with Dad having that bad habit of backing toy cars up over his daughter whenever the light turns green.

Or maybe it was just because the all other girls walked around.  I dunno.

I watch pageants.  I never claimed to understand them.

Regardless.  Remember when Mom, Dad and my sassy BFF agent Blake Woodruff all took Li’l PDickey (…yes, I just gave a preschooler a gangstah rap name…) to some random jewelry store to learn how to walk like they do on RuPaul’s Drag Race?

I know, right?  I always practice my best moves at Zales, don’t you?

Twerkin’ at the Ring Case.

One.  I’m pretty sure that the woman in all that zebra print who taught Paisley how to go heel/toe and pop a hip was the Missing Pointer Sister that TMZ keeps talking about.

Two.  My Boy Blake could have done a better job showing Paisley how to werk it to the end of the stage.  You know he could.  And you know he wanted to.

I’ll bet my salary that they edited out the part where he jumped over the wooden display case and shoved that Pointer Sister chick out of the camera shot.

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Shake It like a Polaroid picture.

Then Bobble It like you’re suction cupped to a dashboard, bitches.

And have fun with that, mmmkay?

Love.  Them.  Even More.

So there you go.

Enjoy a few flashbacks while we wait for the next round of sparkly awesomeness.  It’ll be like tripping with Alana all over again.

But just remember when it comes to drugs…and glitz…that coming down’s the hardest part.  Trust me.

Oh.  And I almost forgot…

Hey.  Isabella.

What do you think about all this hilarity?

Still a big fan of my site?


Toddlers & Tiaras: Ready Or Not, Here They Come Again. Stock Up On Your Pageant Crack Cuz The Glitz Is Back!

Wednesday, May 22nd, 2013


You know the drill by now.

Tease it and Tan it.  Spray it and Sparkle it.

Then Werk it, Girl.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Put on your protective Glitter Goggles, because everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure is about to walk its pretty feet right back onto your television screens.

And Season 6 looks to be just as blindingly sparkly as the last five, with loads of your favorites teaming up with a whole new batch of cray cray.

But there’s not much time to prepare yourself, emotionally or otherwise.  You only have until Wednesday, June 5 to stock up on Mountain Dew, Pixie-Stix and Twizzlers.

Then it’s Go Time.

So while you’re busy stocking the fridge and canceling all your other Wednesday plans for the Summer, celebrate the highly anticipated return with a quick visual flashback to some of our favorite, most outrageous moments from years past.

You can thank me, and blow me finger kisses, later.

For now, just enjoy.  And sparkle, baby.

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