Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Dance Moms: The ALDC Tribal Council Is About To Vote Off All The Crybabies, So You Might Wanna Pull It Together.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

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I just wanted to get some sleep, so I told that little crybaby there was a pony in the back of the bus.

 

 

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Chief YearOfTheNia is about to shut this Tribal Council down.

 

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Hey! Was that a Dunkin Donuts? I told you to never pass by a damn Dunkin Donuts!

 

 

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Sometimes all the world really needs is Jill Vertes making a crazy face. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

 

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I dunno what’s in this Aqua Net, but it is some strong s***. I swear I just saw dancing Indians.

 

 

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You can do this. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Be the Cher, Nia.

 

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Srsly. Will you look at that tiny crown. And I thought MY kid got the shaft every week…

 

 

 

Okay.

Let’s just address the elephant in the teepee right now and get it out of the way early so we can focus on all the choreographed hilarity.

Road to Nationals means heap big drama for Dance Moms.

There.  You were thinking it and I said it.  And now that we’ve started this thing off as politically incorrect as possible, we can get right to the good stuff.

I think I’ve proven over the last few years that I have absolutely no idea what the rules are anymore when it comes to being PC.  Honestly, I’ve barely figured out the rules for dance competitions.  And don’t even ask me how they judged Toddlers & Tiaras.

But I thought we weren’t supposed to call the Washington Redskins the Washington Redskins anymore.  I’m so confused.  At least I know the correct term is Native American.

So when Abby Lee Miller pulled out a feathered headdress in the first 3 minutes of this week’s episode I knew she was going to break Twitter.  And she did.

Some people called it racist.  Some people called it a glowing Native American tribute.

And more than a few fabulous gentlemen literally gagged over the outfits.

Because, let’s face it, they were to die for.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.  Dead.

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Regardless, I’m just putting it out there before anybody gets themselves too tightly wound up over the subject matter.  You know by now we’re just here for the party.  Head over to the Gymboree chat rooms if you want to get into anything heavier.  I’m sure they’re still bashing me for that whole home schooling fiasco.

So no offense intended, or taken, as we go all tribal this week.

And honestly, with all the money I’ve lost at Mohegan Sun over the years, I think they can cut me some slack just this once.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the Pyramid of Shame.  Which was actually the Totem Pole of Shame this week.

Which was actually just a bunch of photos stacked on top of each other.  I mean, it’s not like there was an eagle head at the top or anything.  It was just Maddie again.

It was, however, National Dress Your Mom Up In Crazy Pastel Summer Prints And Take Her To Work Day and all the Moms were representing like a double page spread in the Sunday Kohl’s flyer.  I swear these women call each other every morning.  How else do you explain them all ending up in the same color pallet almost every week?

All the matching Original Recipe Moms were there, along with Tami “She Who Wears Shorty Short Booty Shorts” Adamson (…her Native American name…) and her little daughter Tea’, who had both been asked to return after last week’s successful group routine.  Just like when Loree and Jade had been asked back and Tami gave them crap for jumping the fence from New Team to Old Team.

Just like that.

Oh.  And Christ-y was back.  The loud Church Lady had returned, but apparently taken some Oath of Silence to prevent her daughter Sarah from being kicked out of the building for a second time this month.

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Can someone either check Sarah’s body temperature or get her a sweater, please?  She’s always shaking.

Since it was a Totem Pole of Shame this week (…to foreshadow the upcoming theme…) Abby zoomed from the bottom of the elevator to the top so fast that it made my ears pop.

Nia, MackZ, Kendall, Tea’, Chloe and Maddie “On Top Again She Is” Ziegler.

(That was supposed to be Maddie’s Native American name, but the more I look at it the more it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say.  I just can’t win this week.)

The gang was all headed to the Energy Dance Competition Regionals in Waterford, MI where the tiniest ALDC dancers would be battling it out for a spot at Nationals.

MackZ, Tea’ and Sarah all scored solos.  So the pressure was on.

The group routine, if you actually haven’t figured it out by now, was going to be a sparkly Cher-inspired ethnic Native American tribal council dance.

Seriously.  Inspired by Cher.  From the Sonny & Cher Show.  That Cher.

Apparently Abby had gone to see one of Cher’s never-ending Farewell Tour performances (…Seriously.  This beeyotch has been saying farewell for the last 10 years…) and was so inspired by the iconic Half-Breed song that she raced back to Pittsburgh with one of those feathered headdresses they sell next to the ‘I Got You Babe’ t-shirts.

Nia was going to be the featured lead in the dance.  I hate to keep saying ‘I told you so’ when it comes to the International Year of the Nia…but…well…look at that, will ya…

I told you so.

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Pssst.  Newsflash:  Booty Short Tami let Abby know the ‘word on the street’ was that Jeanette had entered her daughter Ava into the competition as well, which would mean that 12 year old Ava would be going up against Abby’s pint-sized triplets.

Something about a 9 -12 year old category that magically changed to a 10-12 year old category at some point during the episode.  I guess Tea’ was in her own category for Mini Grand Supreme or something (…I think I’m getting my toddler shows confused…) but then her overall score would put her up against Ava.

Or maybe I was too busy you tubing Half Breed to pay attention.

I mean, come on.  Who didn’t want to slap on a Village People headdress and ride into Study Hall on a horse when they were little?  Cher is…gah.

She’s f***ing Cher, for crying out loud.

Oh.  And ps…‘word on the street’ is code for ‘Jeanette told me at Starbucks.’

They’re BFFs.  Just saying.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls got to rehearsing.

Sarah had the nervous sniffles.  Again…sweater, please.  Or can we at least turn the heat up a skootch?  Abby wanted her to drag herself across the floor like she was in a horrific bus accident and could no longer walk.  (Spoiler alert:  I think I just figured out what the next scene’s trauma stems from…) while MackZ had a sassier, more mature solo.

Work it.  Work it.  Walk it.  Walk it.

Tea’, on the other hand, was straight up little girl Boop-Oop-A-Doop 1920’s crybaby, complete with a face down hissy fit like she had just missed out on front row Cher tickets.

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Upstairs, Christi was trying to psych out Tami just like she had psyched out Loree the week before, by suggesting that even though Tea’ made an awesome crybaby, she was going up against an even bigger crybaby and didn’t stand a chance.

Remember last week?  Ava sat on her mother’s lap and almost ugly cried herself into a blackout.  You’re like 12 years old.  Going on 6 feet tall.

Pull it together, sister.  You’re an amazing dancer.

The group rehearsal is when it started getting good.

Abby wanted more Face from Nia.  More!  More!  I wanna see Cher!

(Gurrrl, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  Have you seen the ticket prices?)

Maddie can do it, why can’t you?

Wait.  What?  What did she just say?  Ooooh, Holly didn’t like dat.  At all.

Do it, Maddie.  Show Nia how to give Face.

And then Maddie jumped in and showed Nia how to give Face.  And then Holly noticed that it was the same MaddieFace that she had used last week in her solo.  And then…wait.  It was the same face she had used the week before that, too.

Are we talking FaceGate?  Hold up.  Maddie’s been using the same face every week for four years?  And nobody told me?  Good thing Holly’s on the case.

When Holly turned to Melissa and pointed out that she’d never seen one 8th grade social studies book with a photo of Chief MaddieFace, I just ’bout hit the floor.

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By the time Abby came up to the MomPerch for some NiaFace-Bashing, Dr. Beyoncé wasn’t having it.  All right…whatever.  Shut it down now.  Game Over.

Stick a fork in it.  I’m done.

And then Sarah had some major bus anxiety.

I mean, major.   Like breath into a paper bag kind of anxiety.

I’m not really sure where it all stems from, though the last time there was an issue with public transportation Christ-y tried to peg it on home schooling and the fact that Sarah had never been away from her side in 9 years.

Now unless they do one room home schooling, I’m not sure why the poor little nugget couldn’t go to the back of the bus without her Mom, because I’m going to assume her bedroom is on the other side of the house.  There has to be a point in the day when Mom is not her in sight line.

I felt bad for Sarah.  Especially when Abby yelled at her to pick a damn spot and sit down.

And so did Holly, who took Sarah under her stylishly on-trend Gap dark denim jacket wing and helped her to the back seats, explaining that buses only break apart in the middle and lose the front half over a cliff in the movies.  Not Real Life, honey.

And I don’t know why your Mama isn’t helping me.  Now go blow your nose.

Side note:  Abby said Bull Crap.’  With the kids in the car.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Christi lost track of all the kids as soon as they arrived, which was hilarious.  Anyone seen the children?   Where are the children?

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(Wasn’t that the name of a dance or something?  The one where crazy Vivi-Anne just sat in a swing?  I miss that kid.  I hope she’s getting enough ice cream up there in Ohio, because you know how I worry about her calcium levels.)

Jeanette and Ava showed up.  Mom was wearing some tight jeans from Not-Forever 21 and had that kind of curly hair that never dried the entire episode.

Tami kept finding excuses to sneak out of the back room and go narc on the ALDC Moms with her BFF.  I’m not sure how she expected to keep that one a secret with two cameras following her down the hallway, but all right…whatever.

And then the editing just turned into a hot mess.  Hot.  Mess.  And you know that’s my pet peeve.

The group routine went on first, even though in reality it clearly went later since the girls were in and out and back in their Native American makeup about ten times during the rest of the show.  Seriously, people?

Nia was a-maz-ing in the Cher Dance, even though Maddie kept hogging the lead spot.

(Did you see them all standing on the giant Tom-Tom?  Git out my center spot, gurl.)

Was it just me, or did that seem a little odd?  And what was up with MackZ’s crab crawl handstand thingamabob around the drum?  Is that a contractually required move every week now?  Because I’ve never seen any Native Americans bust that one out before.

Sarah clearly drew on all that bus angst during her solo, which was a mix of that kid from Les Misérables and those old Italian women who throw themselves on top of caskets at funerals.  Her Mom’s face when she was dancing, though.

Tea’s hair bow looked like bunny rabbit ears but she Betty Boop’d herself into a meltdown quite nicely.  She totally has a silent movie face.

And then MackZ proved once and for all that the Bumble Bee costume is a thing of the past.  Our baby is all grown up.

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Side note:  They came back from commercial break and showed some mystery group doing a Li’l Abner looking dance with a double wide trailer and lawn chairs.  Excuse me?  I need to see that Redneck Dance in its entirety, asap.  Dolla makes me holla, yo.

Next up, Ava did her solo but Kendall missed it because she was out back putting on her NativeAmericanFace for the 2nd time.  Seriously.  Editing, people.  Don’t make me keep saying it.

And then all of the sudden Maddie was dancing.  Giving some unexpected, and not even listed in the program, MaddieFace to all of Michigan.

Don’t ask.  Abby had asked her to bring a costume under the premise of ‘psyching out Ava’ in the wings of the stage, but then all of the sudden there she was in the spotlight doing the dance that lady from Greenwich Village had written for her last week.

I said don’t ask.

Backstage, all the Moms ganged up on Melissa, accusing her of sabotaging MackZ’s chance at First Place by shoving her out of the way so Maddie could perform.  Melissa said Nope.  The Moms said Yup.  And Abby said it was done to make sure Ava didn’t win.

My MomCrush Jill (…who was rocking some serious snake skin, BTW…) accused Melissa of throwing MackZ under the bus, which almost put Sarah into cardiac arrest until someone told the kid it was just a figure of speech.

Lawd, that girl’s gonna be the death of me.

Holly even called it a Defining Moment for America…and probably MackZ’s career…and I vowed to vote for Dr. Beyoncé in 2016 instead of Loree’s husband.  I think an American flag even unfurled behind her as she spoke, but everyone was so busy putting their NativeAmericanFaces back on for the third time that they all missed the I Have A Dance Dream speech.  Love me some Holly when her hair starts curling.

Not so much the Post-Production Editors and the Continuity Guy.

Wax On.  Wax Off.  Hats On.  Hats Off.

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And then all the little Chers went out to collect their awards.

Sarah won First Place Petite Solo, which I now realize is not the same thing as Mini Grand Supreme.  Kiddie Pageants give out waaaay better crowns.

Did you see that tiny thing on her head?  It was like the ones you buy at iParty and put on cupcakes for Disney Princess Birthday Parties.  I’m afraid she’s gonna swallow it the next time she starts hyper-ventilating.

What a rip.

Tea’s solo came in Fifth.  MackZ took Third.  Ava Second.  And then Maddie won First Place, even though the judge with the bow tie was going to have to UPS her trophy to her on Monday since she was such a late entry.

The Native American group dance easily took First Place.  Probably something to do with that whole International Year of the Nia thing I keep hearing about.

Abby still wouldn’t admit that Nia was amazing, even when Holly pressed her for feedback and her special recipe for sugar cookies.

(Seriously.  Did you hear that interaction?  What the what?)

And then Jeanette and Ava got booted off the New & Improved ALDC Select Team because of this week’s sneak attack against Abby.  When will these people learn?

Tami did ask Abby if it was okay to use the restroom, though.  I guess even Narcs need a potty break.

And then it was over.  Until next week when the Road to Nationals brings the ALDC face to face with the Candy Apples again.

Oh, yeah.  Me see heap big trouble brewing.

Sing us outta here, will ya Nia?

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Bring It!: Y’all Put The Trunk Down And Get Ready To Throw Down Because It’s Gonna Be A Nashville Smackdown!

Friday, August 22nd, 2014

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Girl, please. You just took the plastic nose off a pair of iParty glasses. I still see the mustache.

 

 

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Then she ’bout poked her eye out. Those Groucho glasses didn’t even have any lenses.

 

 

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You pick, baby. Just don’t take the one the lady’s touching. She might have got some Krazy on it.

 

 

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I don’t know Jazz, but I can snatch an iPhone if this chick kicks my damn seat one more time.

 

 

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I just wanna know why she always gets to be Beyoncé every time we play dress up. It ain’t fair.

 

 

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Dat’s rite DDPs got Junk in the Trunk, suckahs. Chocolate ones, Oatmeal ones and Snickerdoodle!

 

 

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I know y’all only showed up cuz you thought I was from Real Housewives of Atlanta, mmkay?

 

 

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Hit our sales goal. Increased our profit margin. And I’m still the pretty one. Now who’s laughing?

 

 

 

I say it every week.

Why can’t this show be two hours?

Lifetime Television needs to work on that, because there are just too many important Life Lessons to be learned and way too much hilarity to ensue (…not to mention some actual dancing parts…) in every episode of Bring It! to confine it all to 60 minutes.

Less than 60 actually, if you subtract all the Raising Asia commercials and the hundred or so times that Tim Gunn comes on screen and says “Turnt Up For What?” like he even knows what that means.

So, yeah.  Bring It!  Expanded Edition, please.

This week Dianna Williams and the Dancing Dolls were Saving a Horse and Riding a Cowboy all the way to Tennessee for the Nashville Spring Showdown.

Nashville.  Music City.  Where dreams are made, hearts are broken and a 15 foot tall musical note always seems to get stuck half way down the flag pole on New Year’s Eve.

But that Times Square Crystal Ball-wannabe and the 6.5 hour bus ride weren’t the only things bigger and better this week.  The competition was also super-sized, with both old and new faces coming up against the Dolls.

The scoop would have to wait a few minutes though, because we started the episode out on the sidewalk with it’s Rittany bitch and quiet little Crystianna sharing a motivational Mother/Daughter moment.

Rittany was proud of the growth that shy Crystianna had shown so far this year, but now that her baby was stepping into a leadership role with the Dolls it was time to ramp it up.

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This is our season.  Turn it up, just like they do on Project Runway.  Then leave it on the floor.  Then pick it back up again.  We need to go straight Beast Mode.  Who dat?  Who dat?  Chest pump.  Let’s do dis!  Let’s do dis!

Oh, and while you’re at it…get more confident like yo’ Mama.

Lawd.  I couldn’t tell if Rittany was just being supportive or getting ready to shove her kid out of an airplane at 40,000 feet with no ‘chute.

And that part about being more like her Mama?  My girl Seloncé heard that and right away she was all like AwHellNah We Don’t Need Another Rittany In The World, Thank You Very Much.  And then she gave us that ShantayYouStay Seloncé Walk she always does right before she and Rittany go a few rounds.

Seriously.  Could we love Sunjai‘s Mama any more than we already do?

The answer is No.

I’ve said it before…Seloncé is crazy.  But the good kind of crazy.  Capital ‘K’ Krazy.  And she knows it and wears it proudly like a badge of honor.  Just like she was wearing her new, totally on-trend Dirty Nerdy Girl glasses.

You know the ones.  The kind of specs that get comic book geeks all flustered and sweaty in their boy parts when they Google hot chicks who post selfies wearing nothing but bikini tops and tortoise shell rims.

I guess it’s not just the Kardashians.  Apparently Harvard and M.I.T. girls also like to make pouty faces before they go back to the lab and splice RNA at the atomic level.

Not gonna lie.  If there’s not a two hour bonus disc in the Season One DVD Box Set that is nothing but scenes of Seloncé and Rittany pointing and snapping at each other while Mimi shakes her head side to side like she’s Stevie Wonder, I’m going to be pretty upset.

Those two give me Life when they fight.  Life…with a capital ‘L.‘  Just like the ‘K.’

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Back inside, Miss D was going over the Nashville deets.

The Dolls would be going up against Nashville’s own Royal Dazzlers and Glam Squad Majorettes, as well as  the Elite Starz, the Mini All-Starz, the Ladies of Excellence and the Girls Who Try On Lip Gloss At Sephora And Then Put Their Nasty A** Q-Tips Back In The Cup Instead Of The Trash Can.

The Ladies of Excellence were the Doll’s biggest rival this week.  The last time they met, Dianna and the girls beat them so Miss D knew the LOE and Director Brittany Grayson would be gunning for a win.

You remember Brittany.  We like her, even though I still think someone needs to check the chlorine levels at whatever pool she swims in because her eyes are always too pink.  She also has that one random curl in her bangs that always reminds me of the lady you see in the HOV lane on the way to work who is completely oblivious to the fact that she still has one lone pink curler in her hair.

Some things you just can’t rush in the morning.  Truth.

In Nashville, the Dolls would be competing in the Creative Dance and Stand Battle categories, which meant that Captain Kayla got to unleash another KaylaFace when she heard the words ‘Jazz’ and ‘Funk’ in the same sentence.

I can’t.  No.  No.  I’m not doing that.  I’m sorry.

If you know Makenzie Myers from Toddlers & Tiaras, than that last quote was hilarious and probably the funniest part of this whole recap.  If you have no idea what I’m talking about, I apologize for wasting your time.  And shame on you for never watching T&T.

More shame on you than was felt by those of us who actually watched it.

And that’s a lot of shame.

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But since I’m such a nice guy, I’ll go out of my way and attach the aforementioned classic Makenzie Moment at the bottom of this story so you don’t feel left out when everyone else is raving about all the hilarity next time you’re at work.

Anyway.  The Creative Dance portion would be a duo or trio instead of the usual 85+ Dollapalooza, so Dianna was requiring anyone interested to audition for the part.

Sunjai, Crystianna, Camryn and Makalah (…where’d you come from?…) were all about it.  Kayla, on the other hand, got as far away as she could from all that jazziness without actually going outside the building.  Which was lucky for her, because things were really getting Capital ‘K‘ out there now.

Seloncé was tired of all the MamaRules.  Especially the one where they all have to stay outside and try to read lips through the slats of the window blinds.  Not liking it.  At all.

Since I have no clue how the brains of all these awesome Mamas work, I don’t really remember how they went from lip reading to discussing the plausibility of planting a James Bond 007 microphone chip in Sunjai’s braces to simply deciding on a Target run to pick up a baby monitor…but somehow that ended up being the plan.

They needed to hear what was going on inside the building and since dangling Tina through an open air vent wasn’t really an option, planting a baby monitor inside the building was gonna have to do.

CNN Newsflash:  Babies…and baby monitors…ain’t cheap.

So time for a Bake Sale!  I believe that Tina (…and Dr. Seuss…) said it best:

Everybody likes Cookies and Sweets!  Everybody likes to eat!’

I would have agreed with her but you need both hands for the Fat Girl Shuffle, so I owe her a High Five when my bowl is finally empty.  It’s Booty Booty E’rrywhere when my stories are on, I tell you.

Cammie, Crystianna and Makalah made the trio.  Sunjai got cut but had her usual good attitude about the whole thing and took it as another chance to learn and grow.

You go, Girl.

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Kayla took some heat from Miss D for not being willing to try other forms of dance and not making enough of an effort to get out of her comfort zone.  She had a bit of a wake up call and realized that she may need to push herself more.  Since I’m still not a big fan of growing up and being an adult myself, I felt her pain.  She had a sad KaylaFace that I didn’t enjoy very much.

Side note:  Did I already mention that Dianna has one of those big satin State Fair Valentine Teddy Bears that you win by popping balloons on her bed at home?  Because she totally does.  I don’t think Robert is a big fan, though. His RobertFace was kinda like ‘What Is This Thang?’ when they climbed into bed for the night.

With one night to go before their road trip, the Mamas pulled up to the bumper with a trunk full of cookies and then the party really got started.

Two dollah, dollah bills, yo.

Mamas getting s*** done.  That’s what it’s called.  They even had a glitter glue sign dingle dangling from the trunk that made it look more like a real bakery and less like a 20 minute oil change at Jiffy Lube.

Those bitches thought of everything.  In the event of an emergency, there was even a secret ‘Hooty Hoo’ call that was the cue to shut the down the entire operation and evacuate like everyone did when the Three Mile Island plant melted down.

Since I was still mid-Fat Girl Shuffle when the initial plans were laid out, I may have misunderstood part of the DDP emergency alert explanation because I swear Mimi said ‘Hi De Ho‘ was the code word.  Which I guess would be fine, but I did wonder why she thought it would be a good idea to break into a Cab Calloway/Duke Ellington medley if anyone saw Dianna coming to the front door.

My bad.

It didn’t really matter, though, because when Miss D opened the front door it was total chaos.  With a Capital ‘C.’

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Tina and Seloncé dove under the car like it really was Jiffy Lube while Mimi shoved $20 worth of perfectly fine ginger snaps down the back of her pants.

Two hours.  Make this show be two hours.  Now.

Finally, it was Showtime!

After a few touching moments with Kayla on the bus and an interview sniglet with Tina and her old wig (…she cried and made me sniff my nose…) it was clear that these Mamas love their babies no matter what.  I just wanted to hug everyone.  Even Mimi…even though I could tell she still had some leftover baked goods in their somewhere.

Nashville was Off.  Da.  Hook.

To Maximum Capacity and Beyond!

People on the floor.  People in the balcony.  People lined up outside like it was Black Friday at Walmart.  Way too many people.

Side note: Most of the gymnasium was covered up in these huge tarps, so I don’t know what they were hiding back there.  And I’m so nosey that it was killing me.

They were the kind of gigantic concert curtains that I thought were going to all of the sudden drop down and then there’d be some big explosive pyrotechnic sumthin sumthin and then an insane live performance by  Rascal Flatts or Sugarland or Lady Antebellum or Brooks & Dunn or that’s all the country groups I know.

(Yeesh.  Sorry.  Didn’t plan that sentence out very well.)

But that never happened.

The emcee did look like Derek J. from The Real Housewives of Atlanta, though.  But I knew it wasn’t really him because he wasn’t wearing lady shoes.

Bloop!

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The Dancing Dolls trio did amazing.  (Spoiler Alert:  They won!)

And then the Po Po shut it all down.  Hi De Ho.  Time to go.

Listen up.  Listen up.  The event was way over fire code capacity.  Way over.  So according to Derek J., everyone had to pick up their toys and go home immediately.

Without even doing a Stand Battle or nothing.

I know, right?  Not cool.

The Dolls were literally on the bus longer than they were in the building.

After watching the trio perform, Kayla realized that it was time to step out of her own shadow and start taking a few Buck-Free dance classes.  It was time to grow a little and she was excited to spend her last year with the Dolls learning everything she could from Dianna.  She’s gonna make her Mama proud.  You heard it here first.

Growing up is hard, but it can be fun I heard.

So it was a short trip, but a good one.  The Dolls scored one trophy.  And probably a few cookies that fell behind the spare tire.

All in all, Nashville was a success.

Now back to Jackson.

Hooty Home, y’all.

…And as promised:  Little Kayla.

You’re welcome.

DD4L!

 

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Dance Moms: If You’re Gonna Talk The Talk, You Better Walk The Dawg. It’s 3 Soloists, But Only One Star…For Now.

Wednesday, August 13th, 2014

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If I turn this way, you can totally tell I only had time to curl three pieces of hair before breakfast.

 

 

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I am phoning it in this week. Maybe what we need is fewer Girl Parties and more sugar.

 

 

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Nia in a dog collar? I swear, if that electric fence around the Moms wasn’t turned on right now…

 

 

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The Ellen Show has a game where you fall in a box and are never heard from again. Hmmm…

 

 

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I got carded at the Teen Choice Awards after-party! And Zac Efron was totally checking this out!

 

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Yeah. I know, right? Claire’s was having a sale. Look who’s wearing a trendy new headband!

 

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Really? So this how we’re gonna play the game today?

 

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I was wondering if you had one of those logo t-shirts in XS. And if you could make today suck any harder.

 

 

Here we go.

Another episode of Dance Moms.

And for the second week in a row, the New Team was MIA.  On hiatus, Abby called it. 

Just so we’re clear.  Abby spent the bulk of two seasons crossing the country looking for her new and improved Dream Team, threatening the Old Dream Team with their imminent arrival on a daily basis, auditioning them, training them, dressing them in ALDC tube tops and then ended up only using them twice before sending everyone on Spring Break?

Really?  Why didn’t somebody send me a text? I would have totally dropped everything and gone down to one of the Open Call Auditions if I had known it was only a two week commitment.  I never leave the house without my ATM card and some leg warmers, so that wouldn’t have been an issue.  Boy Scouts are always prepared, you know.

So yes, they were down a few dancers.  But no worries, because what they lacked in bodies this time around, they more than made up for in drama and headbands.

A lot of headbands, actually.  They were heavy on the headgear this week.

I blame that new girl Kamryn Beck for single handedly bringing back the noggin noodle.  She’s the one who was late to her first day at the ALDC because she was out in the parking lot notating the molecular density of a complex mixture of asphalt and mineral aggregates, trying to determine if the hydrocarbons were insoluble in carbon disulfide.

Seriously.  All I asked this chick to do was fill the damn potholes, not add another page to her resume.  Over-achieve, much?

We even got a quick flashback of the Kia Kamster listing off everything that she accomplishes in a day before I even get my a** out of bed.  Nice headband, by the way.

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As the Old Team scooted in for the Geometric Shape of Shame (…it wasn’t even a Pyramid, fercryinoutloud…) they were already down another dancer because Melissa and the oldest Ziegler were off in Hollywood taping The Ellen Show, where Maddie would be recreating the Sia music video.  This television appearance would give Maddie some serious national network exposure as well as give Abby the opportunity to say Maddie’s name like a mantra every 15 seconds for the remainder of the show.

Truth.  If you edit out the word ‘Maddie’ from this week’s episode there were only about 247 other words spoken for the entire hour and most of them were just Holly saying “OhNoTheyDin’t just put a dog collar on my baby” over and over again.

Count ’em.  I ain’t lying.

So the Pyramid of Shame was really just a square this time.  Maddie was on the bottom row because she was in Hollywood, which messed with my head because I thought the Pyramid was based on LAST week’s results, not the current week.

Poor punching bag Chloe was also in the basement because she fell during the “Broken Dolls” group routine.  I forget the exact ballet terminology for the move she wiped out on, but it sounded like when someone makes fun of how British people talk.

The final spot on the bottom was for Nia.  Ballet’s not really her thing either, but it doesn’t matter since we’re still in the International Year Of The Nia.  Snap in a Z formation.

The top row was home to newbie Sarah H., MackZ and Kendall.  Nothing earth shattering to report.  Sarah was still shaking.  Kendall didn’t appear to be breathing at all.  And MackZ get penalized for being short.  Thankfully her fish lip headshot was on the mirror or I would have completely forgotten she was on the show this week.

Abby announced that the gang would be heading to Shenandoah Valley for the Powerhouse Dance Competition.  Kendall, Nia and Chloe all scored solos and the group number was entitled “Gypsies, Tramps And Thieves.”

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But not the hoochie kind of tramps.  Abby was quick to point out that these tramps were like Charlie Chaplin tramps.  So they weren’t dirty.

I dunno if it’s still fallout from that fiasco when the girls were all naked dancing with fans or what, but somebody in the Legal Department always seems to make sure Abby clarifies that nothing is ever dirty anymore.

Charlie Chaplin ate a shoe, but he wasn’t nasty.  Are we clear?

As the girls started rehearsing the not-dirty group number, the Moms hit the MomPerch to discuss this whole Maddie Thang.  New Christ-y could already tell that Abby was grooming Maddie for super stardom and playing favorites.  Old Christi didn’t want to gossip, because you didn’t hear it from her, but she had heard that Sia’s studio called the ALDC looking for girls and somehow the whole thing ended up being an opportunity that was only offered to Maddie.

(Full Disclosure:  Old Christi also went on a Twitter bender after the episode and said that the show was edited and that she didn’t exactly say that exactly and that what she said wasn’t exactly…you know.  That also sounds exactly like I creep her on Twitter, which I don’t.  Because she won’t exactly follow me on Twitter.  So there’s that, too.)

My MomCrush Jill was understandably concerned that Kendall was once again only playing the role of Maddie and not really getting a chance to shine on her own.  I was understandably concerned that we were already three episodes into Season 4.5 and Jill hadn’t worn anything crazy yet.

I’m gonna need my girl to put on some ostrich feathers and throw a shoe pretty soon or we might have to break up.  I don’t wanna say I started something, but America lives for the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch.  I hope Daddy Vertes didn’t cut up her Chico’s card.

With three days to go before competition, Melissa and Mini-Sia were back in the hizzle bragging about their time with Ellen DeGeneres.  Maddie had slayed her performance, Sia had oddly faced the wall with her clothes on backwards for the entire song and Melissa had neglected to bring back even one postcard for her friends.

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Since Maddie was on another level now (…ALDC MindGames: The Sequel, coming soon to a theater near you…) Abby decided that Maddie should assist in the choreography.

That went over well as the solo rehearsals kicked into high gear.

Kendall’s prop was going to be a mirror and a big ol’ Phantom of the Opera scar on her right cheek.  Clearly, not just another pretty face.

Chloe had apparently somehow missed 4 years of dance classes and according to Abby was no longer a contender for the top titles, which made me want to immediately go and post a sad face on her Instagram account.  We love Chloe and her pouty face.

And then Nia came out in a dog collar and the party really got started.

Abby wanted Nia’s “Underdog” routine to be truly authentic, complete with barking and other canine randomness.  Holly wanted to go downstairs, take off her shoes and earrings and just lose her nutty but she knew how much Nia hates standing around in a dog collar and Petco leash while her Mom has a stroke.  So she didn’t.

And me?  Well, apparently I wasn’t paying attention in the beginning when Abby handed out the solos because up until this point I thought Nia was going to be the “Have no Fear! Underdog is Here!” cartoon.

Not gonna lie.  A little disappointed.

Holly was quick to point out that Jazz Dog Dances don’t win many trophies, which is exactly the discussion I was having over cocktails the other night.  What are the chances?

During another group rehearsal, I believe that MackZ and Sarah were somewhere in the building, but I didn’t actually see them.  Upstairs, Jill did some quick math in her head and realized that Maddie had somehow learned Kendall’s dance behind everyone’s back and wanted Melissa to fess up about how this keeps happening.

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Now I don’t know enough about home schooling to make any judgements, and I know people who are both for and against the topic, but when Jill pointed out that Maddie only goes to the kitchen table for one hour a day and Kendall goes to public school for 8 hours a day, I was all like Wait…What?

I’m leaving the debate for all the Gymboree chat rooms.  I’m not getting in the middle of this one.  All I know is that when I was in public school and I suggested that we only stay in homeroom for one hour and then go to the cafetorium and dance for the rest of the day, I got sent home with a note for my parents.  So I dunno wassup with kids nowadays.

But somehow Maddie got a private with Gia and learned the dance just in case Kendall disappeared in the woods behind the studio.

Chloe struggled a bit while practicing her solo because she hadn’t gotten to the studio until 3pm that day (…gah, school…) whereas Maddie had been at the studio since 8:30am.  Clearly the Ziegler Gurlz do their one hour of home schooling before sunrise while Melissa milks the cows out back in the barn.

And speaking of Gia.  She came in with the not-dirty-at-all Gypsy costumes and once again…one costume short.  No Tramp Tights for little Sarah.

Will somebody please dig through that landfill of a front desk and find Abby’s calculator so she can finally get a proper headcount?  Thank you.

Needless to say, Christ-y got all Not Very Christ-y-like and started to come unscrewed.

Side note:  Anyone else notice Christ-y’s hair?  I don’t know if she was in the middle of curling her hair when the Leggo My Eggos popped up or what, but she never finished.  It looked like when QVC demonstrates that contraption that gives you soft, luxurious beachy curls but they only do a few of them so you can see the Before and After difference.

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But it didn’t really matter, because the next thing you know Abby told Christ-y to pray to the God of FedEx (…good luck with that by the way, I try it every Christmas Eve…) and then all of the sudden she called Abby ‘Trash’ and got both herself and her tiny girl kicked out of the competition.  Again.

I swear it’s gonna be a race to see who has that stroke first.  Holly or Sarah.

Deep, deep…way deep…down Abby still has a heart I guess, because she felt bad and offered Sarah the chance to join them on the bus as long as her Mom didn’t come along.  Unfortunately, Christ-y wouldn’t let Sarah out of her sight and ended up taking her back home.  Where she has been “since birth.”

Which didn’t creep me out at all.

I guess four Dance Moms, five tweeny bops, a fleet of cameramen, two sound guys, my boy Director Jimmy and a bus driver who looks like Santa without a beard aren’t trustworthy enough to babysit Sarah for a sleepover at the Ramada.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Kendall’s costume was basically Maddie’s costume.  Jill was momentarily mesmerized by all the pretty sparkly stuff and it gave me hope that once the weather cools off a little bit, the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch will be back in full swing.

Nia’s costume was pretty elaborate and did kind of look like what you would expect a dog to look like if you put lipstick on it and let it do a Death Drop for treats.

Love me some Nia.  Even if it wasn’t the International…blah blah blah.  She’s awesome.

Chloe had on a leotard.  That’s all.  And an ALDC logo on her chest.  If Abby had thought to put “Kick Me” on her back with glitter glue she probably would have.  The only thing on stage lamer than her costume was the actual Powerhouse logo.  I don’t know why Abby has to be so mean to our little Chloebird.

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All the solos went amazeballs.  I could totally relate to how hard it is to dance while holding a vanity mirror.  Just saying.

And can we all just take a moment to truly appreciate Jill’s face while Kendall was dancing?  What the What was going on there?  Mama likes, I guess.

Miss Nia got all Mad Dawg and got it done.  She marked every judge’s hydrant, if you know whaddimean.  Take that, Abby.  Who let the dawgs out now?

Chloe got even taller and more graceful than last week.

Results:  Nia 4th.  Chloe 2nd.  Kendall 1st.

The group routine wasn’t dirty at all and came in First Place.  There was also a special award given to the emcee for rocking that argyle sweater and TJMaxx hat.  (Don’t forget that Back to School sales are already in progress, people.  Shop early.)

Back in the Science Lab/Makeup Room (…Seriously.  How many people do you think Googled the word “Homeostasis” after seeing that construction paper ransom note all over the back wall?…) Abby was still being Abby.

They team did good.  Very good, in fact.

But never good enough.  Maybe they needed to be threatened all the time.  Maybe they needed a new dancer or two to keep them on their sickled toes.

Maybe Nia could make a few more of those reactionary backstage faces, because they were The.  Best.  Ever.

Augh.  New dancers again?

Ruh Roh.

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