Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Dance Moms: The In10sity Wasn’t Just On The Ohio Stage This Week. Maddie And Gino Sitting In A Tree…

Friday, August 8th, 2014

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Just so we’re clear. You’re a guest in my house. And my hair was straight when I walked in the door.






It’s easy, sweetie. I just always pretend there’s frosting on his face like this… Nom Nom Nom.






Now we’re talking. Lemme just put some new elastics on my braces and we’ll start this party.






Yeah. Not so much. But if I could pry Kendall’s Mom off Zac Efron? Totes McGotes yeah.






Long as everyone’s handing out kisses, somebody with sunglasses on her head is wearing flavored Chapstick.






I hope I don’t hurt any of the kids when I throw myself through that plate glass window.






I dunno. I can’t explain my hair, either. The box said it was easy but I didn’t have time to read the directions.




It’s true, you know.

Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses.

And girls make crazy faces when kissing boy’s braces.  Or something like that.

I forget exactly how it goes.  But regardless, you heard it here first.

Dance Moms was back this week and clearly our little bunheads are growing up.  Gone are the days of just counting how many somersaults Mackenzie can do before she loses another baby tooth on stage.  Now her name is MackZ, yo.  She’s got some pretty substantial Big Girl teeth coming in and an iTunes download moving up the charts.

Then there’s Maddie in that punk white Sia wig, getting all tangled up in hotel curtains, clinging to music video door frames and just generally freaking me out a little.

I mean, did you see her in that skin colored leotard getting all jiggy wid it?  Next thing you know she’ll be kissing boys, I tell you.  But let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.

First things first.  Which is always The Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for another round of geometric humiliation, it was obvious that the herd had thinned a bit.  After scooping up their second First Place trophy in two weeks, the New Team had already been given a week off as a reward for their hard work.

Really?  Two weeks on.  One week off?  Not a bad gig if you can get it.  Where do I sign?

Hopefully, the New Team was putting the time off to good use.


I’m thinking the Mall, maybe.

Jeanette‘s lawyer had mentioned to me in the Cease & Desist paperwork that she wanted to hit up some legging/jegging sales at (…anywhere but…) Forever 21, so this week was probably as good a time as any to get it done.  Tami definitely needed some new pants, because I can’t imagine that she wears those booty shorts year round.  I remember seeing on the Weather Channel that it gets really cold in Pittsburgh.

And you know Tracey needed to get something done with that bald spot in the back of her head.  There can’t be anything left back there after Tami snatched it during that whole front desk football tackle fiasco last week.

As for the other two Moms, Loree clearly already goes to Ann Taylor Loft every week, so she probably wouldn’t be tagging along.  And I’m sure Jodi was tied up helping Kamryn prepare for her bar exam or city council campaign or whatever the hell Little Miss OverAchiever 2014 was doing to keep herself busy during the break.

We love Kammie, if that’s her nickname.  Or the Kia Kamster, which I prefer.

Moral of the story:  All the newbies were MIA.

Except for shaky pup Sarah H., that is.  She stuck around as a “guest” of the Original Recipe Team this week.  Which meant that her Mom Christy (…with a Y…) also somehow snuck back in the building when Security went outside for a cigarette.

I’m thinking that even Abby is getting tired of the Pyramid lately, because once again it was just a straight line of photos with one straggler above the rest.  Seriously.  I could have done that myself with a yardstick and some double stick tape.

The entire Original Recipe Team was on the bottom because of their (…alleged…) bad attitude, both on and off the stage, when the New Team scored First Place last week.

Which meant that Sarah was on top by default, since she had performed with the winning group.  Which also meant that Holly and her soon-to-be patented HollyFace got all like SayWhaaa-?! and my MomCrush Jill did that eye roll thing that makes her bangs flick.


Did I already mention that it was also National Dress Your Mom In Black And White And Take Her To Work Day?  Because it totally was.

Every single Mom.  Black and White.  Like they were doing back-up for the Rhythm Nation Tour or something.  Even that New Mom.

And she had on horizontal stripes, which…well, you know…

This week they were headed to In10sity Dance Competition in Cleveland, Ohio.  Candy Apple’s turf.  Cue the drama.

The group routine was called “Broken Dolls” since…der…they were all broken dolls after losing two weeks in a row.  The Moms felt that the girls were neither broken dolls nor sore losers, but had simply seen through Abby’s SetUpToFail master plan and reacted realistically when the results were announced.

Abby felt that she should just ignore their completely logical point of view and instead pimp out her recent appearance on Dancing With The Stars a few hundred times.

If you didn’t take a shot every time she mentioned DWTS and pass out before the first commercial break, then you learned that there was also going to be a DWTS-inspired duet entitled “That Girl Has Got To Be Kissed” starring Maddie and…wait for it…Gino Cosculluela.  (Insert tweeny bop swoon here, please: ____________ )

Gino is a tiny little charmer who looks like a CNN anchor and used to dance up in Ohio at the Evil Dance Lair.   He also always freaks out my Macbook’s auto spellcheck.  His Dad Mickey (…like the Mouse…) got a little nutty on Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein the last time we saw him but apparently had not been buried alive behind the Beef Jerky Outlet as reported previously.

If Mickey was a Bronx Butcher he would totally be the kind of Bronx Butcher who throws meat against the wall if the cut isn’t right and then says something bad with his hands.

Father and Son would be arriving later.  Hold that thought.

Meanwhile, up in Ohio, Cathy was wasting no time getting right down to business.


And under Abby’s skin.

She was also messing up my television’s HD color balance buttons a little with whatever was going on with that new hair cut of hers.  Whoa.  It was like her original striped crazy hair was back, but cranked up a notch or two with the addition of a few chunky pieces that the stylist forgot to snip off.  Sometimes it even looked like she had just ripped the bleaching cap off out back and ran in for her scenes.  Looking a little moist up there.

One of the dreamy Nicks on her team was off in Spain doing something this week.  And Zack Attack Torres was doing something extra curricular with his dance, which I thought was strange since I always considered dance to already be extra curricular.  But whatever.

So in their place were newbies Evan and Alyssa.  A duet team to go up against the ALDC duet team, of course.

Evan was a cutie who kind of looked like he was wearing fake 1920’s hair and should have a Clark Gable mustache if he was old enough to grow one.  His Mom Vida had those big earrings you buy on Martha’s Vineyard when it’s too rainy to go to the beach.

Alyssa looked like she could be on DWTS in a few years (…shotski!…) but her Mom Meredith looked too young to actually be her Mom.  I’m going to need to see her driver’s license and then find out what moisturizer she uses.

The only two recognizable Moms left at the CADC were Brigette and Joanne.  We like Brigette because she’s always posting Twitter pictures and her kids are Lady Killers.  And of course we like Jo because she flipped every switch in the building that time Lucas called her kid a pissy little bitch, or whatever it was he said.

Chaos Cathy also had to finagle a new guest choreographer this time around since she had made Anthony Burrell so mad that he took off to do that Raising Asia Show.  And this time it was a doozy:  John Culbertson.

He’s the gentleman who may or may not have noodled Abby back in the day (…she does like her boys named John…) and has a Crest White Strips smile that won’t go away.  I’m sure you’ll remember him when you see him.  I don’t know if he bleaches his teeth or just always has a Miami tan, but you could read books without a nightlight if he was under the covers smiling up at you.


And that totally didn’t come out the way I intended it, but you get where I was going with it.

The next day it was National Dress Your Mom In Pastels And Take Her To Work Day as the ALDC ladies hit the MomPerch during rehearsals.

According to the Frazier Frizz-O-Meter, the stress level had dramatically increased in only 24 hours.  I will go to my grave believing that the more curl in Dr. Beyoncé‘s hair: the more anxiety in the room.  You are welcome to  go back and check the tapes from any previous season if you don’t believe me and my completely unscientific research claims.

Maybe I should have Kamryn do a thesis on it or something.  It’ll give her something to do after she splits a few atoms in the lab and lands on Pluto.

As soon as Christ-y All Might-y started doing what she does best, Holly was all like “You’re a guest and that’s how it works.”  Two snaps.  Now hand me my hot rollers.

Back in Ohio, John was still smiling.

And then Maddie kissed Gino.  Eventually, anyway.

First they had to dork all over each other and giggle and run away to get Cootie Shots and then come back and wait for Maddie to completely melt down while Gino stood there looking like he’d just seen his first Playboy magazine.  Slow it down and re-watch it a few times.  If you don’t have acid flashbacks to your first cafetorium dance, then you’re lying.

You also know that Gino’s gonna put his retainer in that little black t-shirt pocket when it’s supposed to be in his mouth.

Finally, it was Kiss Time!  And they did it.  On the lips.  And then Maddie guaranteed Gino about 17 years of psychological shock therapy by running out of the studio like some rabid raccoon had jumped out of a garbage can and bitten her straight in the face.

Gah.  Chicks.


As the competition date grew closer, rehearsals finished up just under the wire as Christ-y kept getting more and more un-Christ-y like with Mickey.  She went a few rounds with him over whether Gino or Sarah should become part of the ALDC crew before he bailed on that crazy bitch and went downstairs to show Gino how a real man kisses the owner of a dance studio.

Wait.  What?

Thank you Christ-y for stopping that one before it burned into my plasma screen.  Mickey wet kissing Abby is not something I need in my life right now, thank you.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Since the event was being held in Ohio, all the Candy Apple groupies were on site with their hilariously bedazzled glitter glue poster paper signs and high pitched screams.  Something about how Brigette was carrying her giant coffee cup into the building also struck me as funny.  Not sure why.

Once everyone got settled into their makeup rooms, Abby found out that one of her many Johns was in the building and scooted out into the lobby for an emotionless hug.  Hope she didn’t get any of that fake tan on her during that fake hug.

(Come on.  JC had to be wearing some bronzer.  That tan was way too perfect, even by Miami standards.  Ask Brigette.  He was the same color as her Starbucks.)

I’m just jealous, Johnny.  Still friends?

Evan and Alyssa’s duet was great.  She was all flowy and fluttery.  He was all business on the top, party on the bottom.  How he managed to score a pair of Tami’s booty shorts in his size is beyond me.

Dude.  Not cool.  Not even with a fake mustache.  I don’t ever want to see those again.


Maddie and Gino made out (…pun totally intended…) just fine in their DWTS-inspired duet.  With his little pink tie, Gino looked even more like he should be sitting in for Anderson Cooper while he’s on assignment in Istanbul.  Propped up on a couple of phonebooks, Gino totally has the forehead for news.

Both groups did well.  The Candy Apples “Conspiracy” dance looked like a bunch of Sheraton Bell Boys who had accidentally stumbled upon enemy secrets when somebody’s suitcase popped open in the elevator.  It was pretty slick.

The ALDC girls were broken ballerina dolls, complete with pink tutus and Pinocchio elbow joints.  Unfortunately, Chloe fell in slow motion coming out of a turn and that got Abby a little twisted in the audience.

But it didn’t effect their score, because the busted ballet took First Place, with the Candy Apples coming in Second Place.

The results were reversed in the Duet category, however, partly due to Gino showing too much CNN face and not enough of the ALDC version.  Abby didn’t like that and demanded that Gino and his Dad immediately evacuate the premises like they had just stolen something.  Not even a goodbye kiss.  After all that practice.

And then finally, since they were in Ohio and all, it was time for a quick hallway confrontation with Cathy.  The usual fat jokes and big nose jokes and then something about a $40 cow, which went right over my head since I’ve never priced cows in the open market.

There was also one of those plastic shelving units that Honey Boo Boo Child and her Mama use to stack all their mayonnaise directly behind all the Dance Moms while they were bickering.  It was for the Lost & Found, according to the sign, which I thought was odd since people could easily just walk right by and steal stuff off the shelves while everyone was looking at Cathy’s a**.

But I guess that would count as ‘Found.’

And then it was over for another week.

Until next time…




Raising Asia: The Sass Is Back! At The World Of Dance It Was Time For Lions And Six Packs And Stares, Oh My.

Friday, August 1st, 2014




Because after some smart a** boob joke, that fool with the blog is going right for the black electric tape. That’s why.






Srsly. I know boys have cooties. But boys with cooties AND six packs? Aaaawwwwesome!






Whoa. Who knew that doing a 5 year old’s finger curls would be tougher than 40 minutes of Iron Grip curls.






C’mon. Think, Baby. Remember. Remember. Remember. What is my name? I know it.






Some people think I’m a control freak. Maybe I should just take off my earrings and we can discuss it outside. Let’s Go!






Dang, boyeee. That Mama Ray is waaay hotter than that Candy Apples bitch. What was I thinkin’?






My luck we’ll end up at the Mall instead of the park, because Gawd knows that woman doesn’t have enough stilettos.





This is awkward.

So much for my long term Bucket List goal of becoming the next Beyoncé.

Looks like somebody beat me to it.  And her name is Asia Monet Ray, mmmkay?

Dat’s rite.  The one from Dance Moms and Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

That one.

She’s back.  A little taller than the last time we saw her.  And a whole bunch more sassier.

Like three snaps up, at least.  Maybe even four in a Z formation by now, Girlfriend.

So naturally, there is already plenty of internet buzz out there between both sides debating what constitutes too much sass and what doesn’t.  Because Miss Thang is definitely sassy.  She was born that way and has plenty of her mother’s wide eyed DNA to prove it.

But sassy is kind of a grey area for some people.  When you’re 18 months old and slap yo’ mama, someone goes “Boop!” and takes a family video that everyone watches over the holidays.  When you’re 18 years old and slap yo’ mama, it usually ends up on TMZ.

Little Asia is somewhere in between on my Sassy Scale.  But it’s all good.

Besides, I’m not here pretending to have any knowledge whatsoever on parenting.  And you’re probably not here to absorb any.  If we were, I probably wouldn’t have built my entire brand on five seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras and Kelly Hyland losing her nutty.


I’m just here for the party.

And because I love Asia and her Mom.  (…Oh, hey girl! Let’s Go! XOXO…)

So now that we got the business side of this wrapped up, let’s get to the good stuff.

We started out with a quick flashback of Asia’s ALDC and AUDC appearances.  We saw the little lion dance when she tried to make baby teeth look like growling fangs.  We saw a million different one legged spins and booty pops.  And even that one time she wore about 20 feet of black plastic Hefty bags and got all Wicked Witch up in Richy Jackson‘s face.

According to my girl, when Asia grows up she is going to rule the world.  And she is totally focused on her career…like crazy.

Yeah.  She had me at ‘Crazy.’  And speaking of…let’s meet the family, shall we?

First up was 5 year old baby sister Bella Blu.

Not gonna lie.  Despite all the times that I’ve seen them, read about them or creeped them on Facebook I never put two and two together to realize that when you say her full name all at once it ends up being Blu Ray.

Like at Best Buy.  I know, right?  Hilar.

Bella is so cute.  Redoinkulously cute.  Like the kind of cute where you have to always have Wet-Naps in your purse just in case you need to wipe up any cute that might squirt out on the floor so nobody slips on it.


That kind of cute.  Bella wants to be a gymnast, but I would prefer that she grow up and star in some kind of sitcom where every sentence begins with “Girrrrrrl, please…”  

I guess we’ll just have to wait and see how that one plays out.

Next up was Dad Shawn, who is clearly a former professional bodybuilder.  But not the kind that you see on ESPN pulling a train engine with nothing but a rope in their teeth.  Shawn’s the kind of bodybuilder that you always see covered in baby oil on those hanging GNC posters that fall down every time you open the front door on a windy day.

Dude.  Is.  Jacked.

He instantly made me feel inferior, even though I’m at the gym almost every day.  Granted, watching him on the Lifetime Lady Channel at 10pm on a Tuesday night while laying on the couch eating cheese puffs may have been part of the problem.

But regardless.  Dude.  Is.  Jacked.

And then there was Alpha Mom Kristie, Control Freak to Infinity & Beyond, doing what she does best: Gettin’ it Done…and Putting on Makeup.


From the first time she started getting all OhNoYouDin’t up in Yvette Walts‘ face way back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition, it was all over for me.

When Kristie’s gigantic Jennifer Lopez earrings start flapping side to side and her pony tail starts whipping around like someone just spooked a horse, trust me…it’s time to go.


The family unit is a little split down the middle right now due to the amount of time Kristie spends Momager-ing (…is that even a word?…) Asia’s blossoming career.  Asia wants to be a megastar, so that means that tiny Blu Ray ends up kind of lost in the shuffle most of the time.

But don’t you worry…Daddy got this.  Shawn makes sure that his littlest girl gets all the attention she deserves.  He does her hair.  Takes her on playdates.

He even feeds her eggs.  With the yolks.

Protein, baby.

Side note: WTF is Asia doing drinking out of a sippy cup?  F’realz.  Love you, mean it…but the only reason that anyone over the age of 4 should be drinking out of a sippy cup is if they’re going 4 wheeling or Mama’s planning on taking the Escalade over every speed bump in front of Target at 60mph.

And if that’s the case, she can borrow mine.  Otherwise, I don’t ever want to see that thing on screen again.  It gives you beaver teeth.

Anyway.  After a few overly dramatic dietary conflicts (…chillax, Gurl…it’s not like the yellow part fell on the floor…) and about five blank checks, Kristie and Asia headed out to dance rehearsal while Shawn stayed home to wax his head and give Blu Ray a perm.

The World of Dance Network wanted Asia to perform at their upcoming event.  OMG!  WOD!  The WOD is THE industry leader in urban hip hop.  And the dance network with THE worst logo ever.  Check it out.

What is that?  Look at the ‘W.’  Go home letter ‘E’ …you’re drunk.


Time to rehearse.  With everyone’s favorite hat-wearing studio-hopping go-to choreographer Anthony Burrell!

Seriously.  The guy is EVERYwhere.  He’s been on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.  He’s been on Dance Moms with the Candy Apples.  If he could use a hot iron Lifetime would probably stick him on Project Runway.

Anthony is an amazing choreographer who likes to wear a lot of  fancy designer hats and name drop his celebrity clients.  Both of which is does very well.  And very often.

For the WOD performance, Anthony had come up with the concept of Asia portraying a lion tamer with thigh high boots and a whip, snapping her shizz all over the bellies of a den full of shirtless Abercrombie models.

I’m going to assume that he didn’t initially present it to Mom that way, but that’s the direction they were headed.  Unfortunately, there were no naked lions yet.  Or costumes.  Or cages.  The only thing that actually made an appearance in the studio was Kristie’s signature squint/scowl thing that always happens when she gets in the Zone.

Anthony seemed to be a little behind schedule, but he promised perfection.  He also promised that it was going to be amaze balls.  And that Asia’s Little Kid Time was over.  She was a big girl now and needed to start dancing like one.

(Spoiler Alert:  He just neglected to tell her agent.)

After some imaginary lion taming, the three of them headed over to one of those stores that sells nothing but prom dresses and lion tamer booty shorts.


Naturally, Asia’s costume was also imaginary and all she had to work with was about 10 feet of red fabric that looked kind of rubbery from where I was laying eating cheese puffs.  Kristie was afraid that it was so long Asia would wipe out on stage, but the cape was still about half the size of that Oz trash bag she dragged all over AUDC.  I wasn’t too worried.

And can we just take a moment to acknowledge how Kristie always holds her purse and cell phone?  And charger.  And tire inflator.  And whatever the h*** else it is that she always has piled up in the palm of her left hand while that Louis bag catwalks back and forth in the crook of her arm?  Can we, please?

You betta Werk, bitch.

We’ll skip the next part where Asia auditioned the Abercrombie lions by making them pull their shirts up like she was on Spring Break because I don’t want Twitter to explode again.

It happened.  And I think Kristie took a selfie with one of her five iPhones when nobody was looking.  Figures.  The one day she didn’t bring Shawn’s baby oil…

Moving on.

Before the WOD extravaganza kicked into gear, we got a few minutes of Family Time to see what really happens when you try to feed Asia broccoli and film Kristie’s house when it’s not perfect.

Answer:  It doesn’t go very well.  Asia doesn’t do vegetables.  Learn it.  Now, please.


And then you might want to send your condolences to Dru the TV Guy, who found himself trapped as all 4 walls of Asia’s in-home dance room began closing in on him.

In a scene that we aren’t usually privy to, we got to witness what happens right before a reality show actually begins filming a reality show scene.  A scene where someone had turned all the dance trophies backwards, stuck gaffers tape all over every hanging competition plaque and yet somehow neglected to tell Kristie what they had done while Asia was busy spitting broccoli into the toilet.

That black tape was everywhere.  Like you do when you have to cover up corporately licensed business names or Nicki Minaj‘s boobs.

Trust me, I’m not getting out my magnifying glass to look at any on screen Energy Dance Secret Code or naked pop star sippy cups, but I totally get why Mom shut it down.

Finally, it was Showtime!

The cage managed to arrive on time.  Not sure what took so long just spray painting four gold styrofoam balls and a couple of crib guards, Anthony.  But, whatev.

As Asia and the Abercrombies hit the stage for one final rehearsal, some of the WOD officials weren’t liking it.  At all.

There was concern about Asia’s costume.  And her age.  And the whip.  And the boys.  And the combination of all the above.

As Kristie and her squint/scowl hovered in the background, everyone discussed the lyrics and the age appropriateness of the whole thing with about 12 minutes to go before showtime.

I’m sure there was some major drama on the floor of the auditorium, but as soon as Asia’s manager Billy Hufsey walked into the building everything else disappeared.


Do you remember him from the TV show Fame?  It was pre-Bieber, if that helps.  Billy used to have the biggest Kids from Fame hair evah.  And he had a poster that was nothing but him in a towel with an Abercrombie belly.

But that was back in the day.  Now he had on one of Anthony’s old hats and a haircut that I still can’t figure out even though I Googled him like forty times after the show.

If you still have no clue what I’m talking about, then One…you certainly didn’t get the hysterical Irene Cara reference in the photo sniglet next to Billy’s face up there.  And Two…you’re probably too young to be on a website that said ‘boob’ twice in one story.

But I’m not going to bust Billy on the first episode, because he did say that he was tired.

And then Asia performed.  And slayed it.  Natch.

After the show, Anthony was happy.  Kristie and Shawn were happy.  Billy was still tired and only kinda sorta happy.  He wanted his client to act more like an 8 year old because that’s how he can sell her.  Sell.  Her.

I looked on Craigslist but couldn’t figure out what category Sassy Diva Wannabes would be under.  He might want to stop referring to my girl as a product, even though I know that’s how they talk in the biz.  They do, you know.  Because I talk smack about television and now I think I’m a know-it-all.

But Asia Monet Ray is back.  That’s all that really matters.

And now she’s only got three months to get ready for her humungous, over the top, first ever Mini-Beyoncé outdoor concert at Universal Citywalk.

I’m so excited my girl is in the hizzle, yo.

Raise yo’ hands if you’re excited.


Dance Moms: Told You So. When It’s Maternal Overload In Wheeling, Double The Moms Means Double The Trouble.

Wednesday, July 30th, 2014




Just letting you know they’re all talking crap about you…and they’re totes jealz of my new highlights.






I called for back-up an hour ago. I swear if Jimmy is outside screwing around on his Twitter again…






If that Hyland chick was still here she would’ve had this thing wrapped up before happy hour.






That bitch is just lucky I forgot my pants today or I would have totally kicked her a** hard.


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Just saying we’ve been back one week and my damn hair’s already starting to curl. You really wanna do this?





What’s it gonna take to remind everyone that it’s still the International Year Of Nia? Some freakin’ crown on my head?






I ain’t running away. There’s still donuts in the lobby, but it looks like all you suckahs are taking the stairs. Peace.



Double your pleasure.

Double your fun.

It’s Two.  Two.  Two Dance Moms in one!  Sorta.

That’s right.  Abby Lee Miller & Co. is back to finish up the second half of the season.  And once again, they brought enough people to fill at least two ALDC studios to capacity.

The New Team and their New Moms.  The Original Recipe Team and their Original Recipe Moms.  Choreographers.  Camera Guys.  Producers.  Even (…Spoiler Alert…) a couple of Security Personnel and one dude who I believe was a Nightclub Bouncer.

I swear there were literally Moms and kids dropping down from open ceiling vents and crawling in through unlocked windows like ninjas.  The ALDC was definitely maxxed out on crazy this week.  Twice the Mamas.  Twice the Mama Drama.

And easily four times the amount of hair product and blowouts.

With so much going on this week, Abby didn’t waste any time getting the party started.

As the New and Old all filed in for the first Pyramid of Shame since the break, some tweaks to the routine were already pretty obvious.  Starting with the return of the stadium risers.  Which is a fancy TV term for 2×4 planks painted black.

With so many bodies in the building, Abby had to do some rearranging.  Moms on the top and their matching kids on the floor.  Except for Holly.  Wait.  What? 

Seriously.  How tall is this woman, anyway?  I’m going to assume that she didn’t want all that awesome new hair getting stuck to the ceiling tiles so she only paid for floor seats.

We love Dr. Beyoncé and whoever her sassy new stylist is, BTW.


Somebody at Lifetime also decided to blur out the makeup and backgrounds on all those Real Housewives of Pittsburgh talking head solo interview parts.  It took me a few minutes before I realized that I wasn’t actually watching the show through a jar of vaseline, but now I’m cool with it because it kind of makes the Moms look like they’re in one of those glossy magazine perfume ads that you scratch and sniff at the Beauty Parlor.

And while we’re on the subject.  I think I liked my MomCrush Jill‘s hair all blown back like some Intern BoyToy was fanning her from off-camera.

Because you know she totally has one doing that.  And he probably doesn’t even wear a shirt.  Oh, yeah.  Mama needs her Evian and her Bump-It.  That’s what I’m talking about.

Christi didn’t appear to have a BoyToy nearby, but she did have nicknames for all the New Moms since she couldn’t remember any of their real names.

Jodi was DudMuffin.  Loree was Boring Loree.  (…Yeah.  I don’t think Christi worked too hard on that one…)  Tracey was Frumpelstiltskin.  Jeanette was Count Stalkula.

Two Side Notes:  Jeanette personally let me know via her lawyer that she does NOT shop at Forever 21.  I stand corrected.  I forget what teeny bopper skinny legging store she frequents, but it’s not Forever 21.  And Two…I liked that vampire cereal when I was little.   It made the milk turn chocolate.

Tami was What’sHerFace because Christi couldn’t remember her name and Tami couldn’t remember her own pants.  More on that one a bit later.

And finally, New Christy (…with a ‘Y’…) was now and in the future to always be referred to as Christ-y.

That’s right.  Like the baby in the manger.  That one.


Who knew?  Turns out that New Christy is very religious and proudly stands by her church’s (…Spoiler Alert:  The Church of Whip Yo’ A***…) beliefs.  It also turns out that I don’t really know if it’s supposed to be spelled “Christ-y” like ‘LawdShe Was Acting All Christ-y Today At Choir Practice’ or “Christee” like a 7-11 Slurpee.  So I’m just going to keep making up names as the season progresses and you’re all just going to have to deal.

It should probably also be noted that Kamryn was wearing another sparkly headband.  I think that’s gonna end up being her thang.

You remember Kamryn.  She’s the cutie who went on and on last time listing all the millions of awards and trophies that she had won until Abby finally cut her off and my DVR stopped recording.  I have it from reliable inside sources that the Season 4 DVD box set will include a bonus disc that is nothing but Kamryn telling us how she cured polio and landed on the Moon with no oxygen mask.

We like her.

But back to business.  Abby let everyone know that during the break she had spent the last two months going to rescue other dance studios that needed her help.

Awkward Pause.

Now I’m not telling anyone else how to do their job, but I’m thinking that maybe somebody in post-production might have wanted to bleep out that last little bit of dialogue since Abby’s Studio Rescue only stayed on the air for about 90 minutes before it got replaced by whoknowswhat.  Ouch.  Too soon?

Maddie also got to pimp out her SiaChandelier” music video performance before the Pyramid was finally revealed.  Which really wasn’t much of a triangle since it was everyone in one straight line with Chloe on the top.  She came in First Place at their last performance.  So you go, ChloeBird.

This week, both teams were headed to the Sheer Talent Competition in Wheeling, WV…which actually got a round of applause for some reason.  I have to assume that it was for the Sheer Talent part and not the West Virginia part.


Both teams would be performing group routines.  The newbies were taking it to church in honor of SlushPuppy Christee while the original girls would just be putting on their pajamas and having a Ouija Board sleepover.  Because clearly what we need right now is yet another Girl Party, right?

Speaking of.  Abby pointed out that MackZ was now the Universe’s #1 Pop Star, which may or may not have been news to Katy Perry…but, whatev.  It got her a solo up against tiny Sarah H., who I really like even though she always shakes like those little dogs with no fur when they jump out of the bath tub.

There was also some major dramz over whether or not Abby had checked with the judges after the last competition to try and knock Chloe out of First Place and give the trophy to Kamryn, who would no doubt have put it up on the shelf next to her two Grammy’s and seven People’s Choice Awards.

Eleven minutes into the show and this chick is already making me feel inadequate.

First up in the MomPerch was the NewCrew, where The Loud Church Lady immediately got into it with everyone on the couch.  I’m not really sure what happened, because I spent too much time trying to figure out what was going on with those new streaks in her hair.

They didn’t really look like she went to the Mall and got all her tips pulled through the cap.  They kind of looked more like the ones you paint on yourself and then let cure on your head while you finish the laundry.

As soon as the Original Moms climbed up to the top to join them, ChristEIEIO began throwing everyone else under the bus and then the whole thing just got messy.

By the time both Christies finished barking at each other I was starting to wonder how many more episodes it would be before somebody goes completely Dynasty Moms and tosses one of the New Carringtons down those narrow carpeted stairs, leaving them all crumpled at the bottom with their legs straight up in the air like bunny ear antennas.

(I hope somebody out there just got that joke.  One person even.  I don’t ask for much.)


And then it just went from Crazy to the umpteenth power of Crazy.

It all started with the New Moms (…minus Christy…) huddled around the front desk talking shizz with Abby.  They were (…hypothetically, of course…) trying to figure out how to replace little Sarah H. in the program when Mama Bear lumbered in and busted up the party.

I don’t even know what happened.  Tami yelled at Christy.  Christy yelled at Tami.  Tami yelled some more.  Christy said “Bite Me” which I don’t remember ever reading in any Bible verse in Sunday School, and then Tami just went bazoinkers.

I mean, like, off your meds bazoinkers.

She went for Christy.  Went.  For.  Her.  She even snatched the back of Tracey’s messy hair for no reason whatsoever and yanked it like she was on The Maury Show just to get past her and up into Christy’s face.

Then Christy acted not very Christ-y-ish and grabbed Tami’s throat right before some random guy in a striped Old Navy rugby showed up out of nowhere and started pushing them apart.  It went from Crazy with a ‘C’ to straight up Krazy with a ‘K.’

The front desk got trashed.  That wire grid display thingamabob even half fell off the wall right before my boy Director Jimmy swooped down like Superman and slapped a few bitches.  (…Well, not really.  But I’m still holding out hope for the premiere of Dynasty Moms.  You know I’m onto something with this one, Bro.  Hit me up on Twitter.)

The funniest part was that after all that commotion, the front desk didn’t look any different than it does on a normal day.  Don’t they have anyone on staff with organizational skills?

Go to the Container Store fercryinoutloud.  They’re having a great Back to School Sale.

By the time the fight was over, Christy had gone into Time Out in the stairwell, Tami had lost her pants and the rest of the New Moms climbed into one of those white Whole Foods delivery vans.

Seriously.  Did you see Tami?  Booty Booty E’rrywhere.  I was just thanking the Good Christ-y that there was no “Juicy” logo bouncing around back there.


I’m pretty sure that is was also right about here when Holly’s hair started to show a slight curl at the ends.  And, Gurrrl…you know what humidity and drama does to that weave.  Brace yourselves, America.  You might want to stock up on non-perishables and go to your Safe Room right now, because I have a feeling it’s coming soon.

Once the dust settled, the Original Moms started to do the math and realized that if the two smallest dancers on Abby’s new team were removed from the equation you’d end up with a teen category group that would no longer be up against the Original ALDC girls.

I see what you did there, Ms. Miller.  And so do your Moms.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Out back in the makeup room, all the drama continued to come from the New Moms this week while the Original Ones quietly peered over their lightbulb mirrors like meerkats do right before they bite you in the neck and drag you back down the hole.

MackZ got her face all painted up like one of Celine‘s Cirque du Soleil dancers, but without the long putty nose.  Christee didn’t like that either.  I’m starting to realize that she doesn’t like much.  Except yelling.  She really seems to like yelling.

MackZ’s solo went really well.  When she strutted off the stage all sassy and flapping her arms around it reminded me of when I wear new pants for the first time.  Werk.

Tiny Sarah’s solo was good, but still a little too much Puppy Bath Day shaking for me.  But I see potential.  She just needs to practice and stay warm.

And then Holly’s hair ticked up another notch.

The New Team came out with these amazing Testify church dresses accessorized with some fancy hair bow/hat things that probably cost more than my cable bill right as the Old Team slumped out of the shadows wearing those flannel PJ sets that always come packed with a bonus pair of matching rubberized footies.

Uh Oh.  Somebody with a PhD wasn’t liking it, mmkay?


Abby tried to justify it by stating that sometimes Life just isn’t fair and then followed it up with more classic ALDC ramblings, but I lost track of what was happening because the Original Christi suddenly bolted from her seat and jumped up on stage.

Really.  I swear that was her.  Because it was, right?  Or maybe it was Chloe.

But how much did Chloe look like her Mom with all that dark eye goop and angry head snapping?  I mean Whoa.  Just.  Whoa.

She looked amazing.  I don’t know if it’s a skill set or Abby’s constant beat downs or both, but Chloe really shines when she gets handed these Come Over To The Dark Side kind of dances.  She nailed it.

There were also two hip hop guys who carried the New Team’s church pew on and off stage and stuck around for some exposure.  Hope their Moms remembered to hit ‘record.’

Then some kids won some stuff.

Sarah H. shivered her way up to Fourth Place.  MackZ swiped First Place from both Sarah and Katy Perry again.  The Old Team came in Second in the group routines.  The New Team scored their second First Place trophy in a row.

And then Jill went off.  And it was awesome.

The whole thing ended when Abby came out from what appeared to be one of those metallic Star Trek Holodeck elevators and pretended to kick Chloe and Christi in the butt.

Pretty immature and uncalled for, but it did give Holly a chance to frizz her ends just a little more before Maddie started to cry.

Oy vey, I tell you.

Dance Moms is soooo back.


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