Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pop In Your Flipper Fangs, Boo Boo. Halloween Means It’s Time To Spook And Sparkle, Baby!

Friday, October 26th, 2012

 

Trick or Treat.

Pretty Feet.

It’s Halloween time.  The biggest head rush holiday of the year.  And nothing says “Gimme Sugar” like a little touch of Toddlers & Tiaras.

If you’re still scrambling inside your closets or digging through a pile of costumes on the floor at Walmart (…seriously?  Is it really that difficult to put the thing back on the peg where it came from, lady? Get your kids under control…) I felt it was my civic duty to inspire you to embrace your own potential Glitz Greatness.

Even celebs Redneckognize the power of…well…Pageant Power.

That’s right.  Now that Honey Boo Boo Child has successfully completed Phase One of her world domination, there ain’t no stopping them Toddlers (…or their Moms…) y’all.

Hope the neighbors are stocking up on pixie stix and cheese balls for the big day, because an army of cupcake dresses are about to invade the neighborhood.  And they’re looking for more recruits.

So spray it, tease it, bling it…and bring it, bitches.

Happy Halloween.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was All About The Story. Show Me Some Extreme Face And Just Let The Damn Kids Dance. Get In Character!

Wednesday, October 24th, 2012

 

 

No way. That little boy is gonna pick her up? She better keep that fat suit on cuz girlfriend is going down hard.

 

 

 

 

Seriously? After last week she still wants to get all up in my grill? I am about to pop off my acrylics and just do this.

 

 

 

 

Toddlers & Tiaras in the hizzle, yo. Pretty feet or sickle feet, you know that Dolla still make me Holla.

 

 

 

 

Lemme break it down for all you bitches. There’s only one Ultimate. And Baby got Face. Mmmkay?

 

 

 

 

And Baby got Back, too. I think I just popped something I’m gonna need when puberty hits.

 

 

 

 

Holy S***! I am gonna freakin’ kill that chick from the salon who said this would make me look like Dance Mom Jill.

 

 

 

“American Extremes.”

As in:  Too much junk food.  Too much spending.  Too much Reality TV.

Psych.  As if.

We all know there’s no such thing as too much Reality TV.  That was a test.  I wanted to make sure you were really paying attention and not just skimming over all my hard work while eating lunch at your desk.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition jazz-handed its way into Week 3 with a salute to Extreme Excess, proving once again that whether we’re talking about pearlized Bare Escentuals eye shadow or crazy a** Mama Drama…too much is never enough.

As we all know by now, the party doesn’t really start until the mini Group Challenge.  That’s the one where all the little dancers gets about 45 minutes to learn a new dance routine and Kevin Manno gets to show off his newest skinny tie or H&M vest.

I love that guy.  Maybe it’s the Underdog Factor.  Or the I Could Be Abby’s Lap Dog Factor.  I dunno.  He just wants a piece of that Ryan Seacrest pie so bad that sometimes I just want to go on Twitter and tell the dude to unclench before his legs give out.  He’s just so into whatever Abby wants him to do that it makes me want to save up my allowance and rescue him from the Pound.

As noted earlier, this week’s theme was all about Extreme Excess…because we all know that America can’t make it through the day without a 64 ounce Slushie.

Too much of this.  Too much of that.  The only thing that Mom Erin took issue with was the definition of too much makeup.  Raising those permanently etched-in-charcoal circus eyebrows, she chuckled that too much seemed pretty normal to her.  Then she chuckled again, but her eyebrows never came back down.

Choreographer Kitty McNamee (…wasn’t she a Bond Girl?  That name sounds so familiar…) was in the house to help put everyone through the challenge routine. Based on that go-to Dance Moms theme of outsiders vs. the cool kids at school vs. wanting something so badly vs. getting wedgies because you’re a dancer, the routine hit a little too close to home for Brianna and Mom Kris.

Brianna is often the outcast at her school and it did get a little touching when she totally lost it and collapsed, hysterically sobbing into Zack’s tender scarecrow arms, nearly crushing him like a pile of matchsticks.  Hopefully my boy will take the notes from last week’s Strength challenge and get a GNC Gold Card in his stocking this year.

(Sidenote: Elisabeth and her big crocodile divorce tears could take a lesson or two from Brianna on how to sincerely cry and mean it.  Just sayin’.)

Mom Kris, who for some reason thought it would be fun to show up at rehearsal in a full-on Snooki Jersey Shore Halloween costume, patted her ginormous poof and teared up as Brianna revealed the trauma of being Type A in a Type not-A school.  It was a little ironic that Abby Lee Miller, the biggest bully ever to Kelly and Christi back in Pittsburgh, would be the one preaching No Bullying.  But whatever gets the point across, I guess.

No kid should ever get bullied.  Ever.

Unless you’re a bully.  Then you should get smacked upside the head.

But don’t try that at home, kids.  Do not.

Lexine ended up winning the mini challenge, which was nice since I almost forgot she was on the show.  Mom Maria is too nice and normal, and I’m sure Abby hates that, so I can’t even remember if they were in last week’s episode.  Maria is totally the kind of woman at one of those local-docal neighborhood restaurants who brings you more water before you ask for it.  She’s that nice.

As winner of the challenge, Lexine got to pick her duet partner since it was Duet Week.  I may have forgotten to mention that part earlier.  It was Duet Week.

So she picked Hadley and then everyone split up into their twosomes to work on their routines and their faces.  Yes, their faces.  Because it was all about Character and Face this week.

Excessive Face, if necessary.  Which was right up Asia‘s alley.

Despite her Mom Kristie pretty much throwing down JLo Style with smiley faced Yvette last week, Asia had managed to maintain control of her Diva Face and was planning on using it to her full advantage in front of the judges.  Because Baby got Face.

Which could go either way as she grows into it.  I’m never sure how I feel about mini divas when they have a growth spurt.

Don’t get me wrong.  That sassy, Beyoncé on the playground attitude is redoinkulously cute on a 6 year old.  But sometimes by the time 6 1/2 comes around it’s been well documented that Diva Face can turn hella bad.

I mean, you’ve all seen it.  I’ll say it.  Six year old Diva Face can end up being that girl skipping school in front of Burger King screaming “Where you at, Jerome?” into a blinged out iPhone.  Which is always on speaker, thank you for that.  Love hearing your convo, honey.  And fix your shirt, I can see your BK muffin top.

Or Diva Face ends up being the breakout star on Real Housewives of Atlanta, gets really rich, bitch…and totally disputes my theory.  So never mind.

Regardless of any potential future outcome, Asia was all Pageant Face as she paired up with little Tua for a little dance on Animal Rights Activism, which concerned Mom Shayna immensely.  Not because they were clubbing baby seals for fur, but because even though Tua is equally as much a cutie patootie as Asia, she didn’t know how to Work the Judges, Smoochie…if you know what I mean.  Holla.

So Mom was concerned, and Creeper Mom Yvette could smell that fur coat blood splatter in the water from all the way across the room.

Stay tuned.

Hadley and Lexine were paired in one of those Homeless girls meets Rich Snobby Girl numbers à la Maddie on Dance Moms, which gave Yvette yet another opportunity to make sure everyone within ear shot knew she was a dance teacher as she once again tried to take over the number.  All while smiling.

Yvette likes to smile a lot.  Like the Joker in Batman.  That kind of smile.  And you know how that story always ends.  Batman Rules.

Amanda and Jordyn were paired in a hip hop booty pop routine, which was basically the opposite of everything they ever teach you in Ballet class.  Needless to say, ballerina Amanda was stressing while Jordyn was poppin’ and lockin’ like a crimped out, pimped out Tupperware lid all over the dance floor.

Madison and Elisabeth were taking on the polarizing subject of Beauty Pageantry, which in my head immediately translated to Toddlers & Tiaras because…well…that’s just my thing.  After having to listen to Elisabeth go on and on last week about how hard it is to be pretty (…I feel you pain, sister…) I’m pretty sure that I was also subconsciously hoping a chunk of her weave would come out if Madison yanked the crown off her head during the climactic last few seconds of the dance.

OhNoSheDin’t just yank my wig.  Where’s my iPhone?

Brianna pulled it together and rehearsed her politically-themed number with Zack, which I found to be kind of ironic since her voice kind of reminds me of those TV commercials where the Lieutenant Governor bashes her opponent a week before elections.  For real.

We love her, but her voice doesn’t seem to fit her face.  Not a bad thing, but go back and listen with your eyes closed and I swear…

She should have Zack’s voice.  We’ve already discussed this, so not hate mail.  He’s my bro…I got his back.  But dude has got to start benching or he’s never going to be able to hoist these dancers over his head during auditions.  When he picked up Brianna and tried to plop her on his shoulder like that waitress when she put that gigantic rack o’ ribs on Fred Flintstone‘s car, the whole thing came crashing down and almost distracted me from choreographer Ricky Palomino‘s shorty shorts.

Almost.  What was that all about?  Dude.  Please.  No high kicks.

And then they showed someone dressed as Batman taking photos with the tourists out on Hollywood Blvd, which made my night.  Batman Rules.  End of story.

This time around, since the herd was thinning, all the kids got to do a group number as well.  This would give them more face time with the judges and also allow a few more adolescent insecurities to manifest themselves on national television.

Brianna was chosen to be the featured dancer, which got her all excited until they wrapped her in a foam fat suit and sent her wobbling out on stage.  Packed with more insulation than UPS would use to ship a piano overseas, Brianna was once again the outcast.  But the starring outcast this time, bitches.  So in your face.  Diva or otherwise.

Throughout the rehearsals, Yvette and Kristie continued to chew on each other’s necks, egging each other on until Kristie was ready to go outside and just get this thing done.  She was ready to cut somebody.  But Yvette just sat there with her P-P-Poker Joker Face and plotted a different attack.

Sneaking into Shayna’s hotel room the night before competition, Yvette slithered up to her new BFF and tried everything except Dr. Phil hypnosis to coerce Tua’s Mom into breaking Asia’s knee caps before the curtain went up.  There was a whole lot of Mean Girl hand waving and way too much discussion on the pros and cons of underage performance facials (…wha?…) before Yvette stole all the mints from Shayna’s pillow and hit the road.  Her job was done here.

Mind games.  No better nightcap.

Finally, it was Showtime!

I live for Richy Jackson every week.  He’s no Bobby Newberry (…who was once again way too MIA…) but he’s still SlapYoMama fierce.

Sitting at the judges table wrapped in pretty much every in-stock colored handkerchief he could find at the Hollywood & Vine Army Barracks Store, Richy worked his two fingered Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy sashay until he got the 11 year old audience about one squeal away from a wet spot.  Seriously.  My ears.

Where do they get these kids?  These 5,000 little girls have to be winners of some Facebook contest or something, right?  Did you see all those Hello Kitty sweaters?  Were they tricked into thinking this was a Bieber concert or what?  I don’t know why I need to know so badly, but I do.

Not to be outdone, Robin Antin was working her best yellow Mad Men retro look, while Abby seemed to be channeling Priscilla Presley when she had really…really…big hair.  If you were seated behind Abby, you didn’t stand a chance of actually seeing the show tonight.

Backstage, Kristie and Diva Face were missing in action, and Shayna was reaching her percolation limit on all this drama.  Sending Tua out on stage to do a duet with only one person was not an option, and probably went against the rules.  While Yvette smiled a little victory smile, Shayna hit the boiling point.

When Asia and Mom finally strolled in with their Starbucks (…was that kid drinking a mocha grande grande espresso or what?  Did you see the size of that cup?…) Shayna blew her first official Dance Moms Nutty.

Welcome to the Club, Girlfriend.

Kristie did one of those Talk To The Hand things when Shayna approached her and then…Boom!….went the dynamite.

“Just let the damn kids dance!”  No drama!  Shayna went there.

Kristie tugged on her strapless top a little and then the damn kids actually danced.

You can Hulu all the good stuff.

I’ll just mention that Jordyn and Amanda’s Addicted to Technology hip hop number looked exactly like an Apple Store kiosk would look if it opened in the middle of a Hooters Restaurant during a weekend vacuum cleaner salesmen’s convention.

I got your iPod right here, Big Boy.  Touchscreen.

No lie.

Zack didn’t drop anybody.  Elisabeth didn’t lose any tracks.  And PETA didn’t picket the auditorium.

When it was all said and done, Richy did a few more finger waves and Tua was sent home.  Little Tua.

The awesome power of the Diva Face just squeaked Asia through this round.

Mom was relieved.  Yvette?  Not so much.  This battle ain’t over yet, sister.

And then there were 9. 

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: It Was Time To Unleash The Monsters And Release All The Crazies Into The Night. It’s Really Hard Being So Pretty.

Thursday, October 18th, 2012

 

 

The AUDC Honey Badger don’t give a s*** that you used to choreograph for Lady Gaga, dude.

 

 

 

 

Oh…Hell…No. Seriously? You wanna go there? Jenny from the Knock Your Block Off don’t play, bitch.

 

 

 

 

This is the same face that got me Homecoming Queen and kicked out of my sorority in the same week. True story.

 

 

 

 

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark finds that face unacceptable. Unless you’re at the buffet table and it’s closing time. Bam!

 

 

 

You don’t talk. Do not talk. Do you understand me? Answer me. But do not talk. Hellooo?

 

 

 

 

 

A tractor beam from the Cray Cray Mothership claims yet another victim.

 

 

 

I’ve said it before, and I’ll probably say it again.

The second date is always more fun than the first.

That’s the date when you’ve made it past the awkward introductions and artificial small talk, gotten past the forced smiles and back stories, and can finally start being yourself.  The date when you can stop sucking in your stomach and let some of the Crazy out to play.

Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition was back for Round Two this week with tougher dance numbers, noticeably heavier and inappropriately shiny daytime makeup and much crazier Moms.

Much.

It was still no Dance Moms, though they are trying their gosh darnedest, but beggars can’t be choosers between seasons.  I’ll take any Crazy that I can get in a dry spell, thank you.

Now that we all made it through the rules and regulations last time, we could get right to the good stuff without any paperwork.

Right out of the gate, everyone’s favorite wannabe network host Kevin Manno gathered all the little dancers together to lay down some deets for this week’s competition.

You gotta love Manno.  You just know he religiously follows Ryan Seacrest on Twitter, probably has LA’s KIIS FM loaded into one of the first buttons in his Hundai and totally stays home on New Year’s Eve just to watch the luckiest s.o.b. ever (…next to Justin Bieber…) model yet another Burberry coat in front of some couple making out in foam Nivea hats.

But I’m not judging.  We all need something to strive for.  And sooner or later Seacrest is going to blow his back out carrying around all that money, and someone is going to have to step in to cover.  At least temporarily.

The mini Group Number challenge this time around was focused on the dancers’ sheer physical strength.  Something that should be a piece o’ cake for a boy, right?  A point which Kevin threw like a football towards the show’s token Alpha Male Zack.

Except that Zack doesn’t play football, or weight train, which the little guy demonstrated by flexing his Olive Oyl biceps.  Yeah.  Not so much.

Dude likes to style girls’ hair though, and can do a mean updo for a 13 year old.  You might want to stick around for that revelation later in this week’s game.  Even Mom Gina had to scrunch her nose and admit that maybe her son isn’t the one to call when you can’t get the pickle jar open.  But I really like the kid.  And he has a Bro Card, so it’s all good.

The winner of this week’s mini challenge would get a solo at the competition.  So it was game on.

I’m going to assume that Lady Gaga must have an unlimited stable of choreographers at her disposal, because otherwise I don’t know how she would ever learn any moves considering that everyone on her payroll seems to be taking part in this show.

Not to be outdone by Judge Richy Jackson and his newly carved zig zag gangsta dancer hairdo, yet another Little Monster showed up to run this week’s mini challenge.  Victor Rojas was in the house.  And he wasn’t putting up with any slackers when it came to nailing down his choreography.

Right away, bite sized Beyoncé wannabe Asia admitted that she was not very good at picking things up.  Unless it’s a makeup brush and a full MAC cosmetic tester unit from Macy’s, that is.  Did you see that poor little nugget’s face?  Girlfriend was painted up with enough age inappropriate makeup to keep her going the entire Mardi Gras parade route without a touch up.

In the rain.  Twice.

Asia put NutWad bumble bee Vivi-Anne‘s A.M. glitter eye shadow to shame.

Somebody needs a juice box and some cold cream.  Stat.

After playing the Divorce Card last week and trying to uncontrollably and hysterically sob her way out of a bad performance, Elisabeth figured that she would give it one more try this week.  When questioned by Victor as to why she was spacing out a little bit, it was all about the water works one mo’ time.

Though we’re only in the second week the other Moms had pretty much already come up with a number of Conspiracy Theories as to why Elisabeth and Mom Erin kept throwing a broken marriage in everyone’s face, running the gamut from a simple distraction technique to International Espionage.

Whatever the reason, that girl likes to cry.  A lot.  Big, drama-filled tears.  Like you see on the CW.  The kind of tears where if you don’t see a dead body anywhere in near proximity to all the hysteria you may begin to kinda sorta feel that someone may be faking it a little.

That kind.

Today was her parents’ anniversary.  The last one.  Ever.  So que the sobs.

By the time the first round of tears were done and the mini challenge performed in front of Abby, it was Jordyn who took top prize.  Mom Kelly, who you will remember almost wet herself on the initial cab ride over last week, had another moment and almost blacked out.  Mom appears to be overly excitable.

God help the Publisher’s Clearing House Patrol when they pull up to that condo.

Not only did Jordyn score the coveted solo spot, but as an added twist she was allowed to hand a second solo to one of her competitors.  I know, right?  OMG.  Way to tweak the rules, Abby.  Never saw that one coming.

Since Jordyn is a pretty sly smarty pants and didn’t want any another girl looking better than her on a solo, she picked Zack because he was the closest thing to not a girl in the room.  (No hate mail, please.  I love the dude.  That was just for a chuckle, not to imply anything or make any improper judgements.  Besides, I’m saving that for the paragraph on hair styling.)

As all the Moms and kids split into their trio groups to figure out costuming and such, it was almost time for another Elisabeth meltdown.  Since the theme for the show was “Monsters of the Night,” everyone was trying to figure out how to bling out a zombie when crazy a** dance teacher know-it-all Yvette asked Erin if she would be willing to cut Elisabeth’s hair.

Sure.

Even her fake hair?

Oh snap.  She went there on hair extensions.  Which people do all the time in the ‘hood and on VH1.  But I guess not at Elisabeth’s school.  Because of all her meltdowns so far, this one was the best.

The.  Best.  Ever.

I can only hope to move my own butt that fast someday if my building ever catches on fire, because Elisabeth took her Barbie weave and bolted from the crowd so fast I was afraid she was going to lose a few inches from just wind sheer alone.

And then it just spiraled out of control into a classic moment that almost dislocated my jaw it was so good.  A moment so classic that I actually have to break my own unwritten Toddlers & Tiaras rule and basically just verbally slap a kid for saying something so stupid that I spit my drink out.

Spoken between hiccups and breathy sobs, I give you Elisabeth’s explanation on her behavior:

Like.  Duh.  She’s pretty.

And she knows she’s pretty.  But she’s not cocky, ok?  She’s humble about it.  People want to be her.  And sometimes it’s just really hard to be her because she’s so pretty.

Really hard to be her?  Just.  Shut.  It.  Down.

No wonder her Mom’s eyebrows are always in a constant state of WTF.

Seriously.  How does that happen?  Feel free to discuss it on some online child rearing forum when we’re done, because right now we need to move on.

After Elisabeth tightened her tracks and pulled herself together, everyone got down to rehearsing.  Fierce Bobby Newberry was back to show them bitches how hip hop is done, but we barely got to see him this week.  And I wasn’t liking that one bit.

More, please.

Zack’s solo was going to be a bloody Prom Night car crash number, while Jordyn’s solo was something to do with spiders under her canopy bed.  Mom Kelly took the whole “Monster” thing a little too far and went completely vampire bats*** crazy on her daughter as they ran through the number, telling Jordyn to do it and don’t talk.  Don’t talk.  You don’t talk.

Lights out, said the Warden.

Back at the wardrobe tables, Yvette and Asia’s Mom Kristie weren’t feeling the love and somehow ended up in a ginormous street fight over Yvette’s Crazy Cheshire Cat grin that never seems to disappear from her face.  Kristie coudn’t understand why Yvette smiles when she’s happy, smiles when she is yelling, smiles when a little kid cries and probably smiles when she sleeps.

Gah.  I officially now love me some Kristie.  She’s like Jennifer Lopez.  If Jennifer Lopez had ever really been from The Block and had stayed on The Block and knew how to snap a neck while still keeping one hand on the wheel of her Fiat.

That JLo.

You don’t know me.  You wanna go?  Oh, you wanna go?  It almost got a little ghetto for a Dance Moms spin-off, and I approved.  Two thumbs and a one switch blade up.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, Elisabeth cried again in her trio.  I forget if it was before or after or during.  Or maybe she was still crying from last time.  Whatev.  But she cried again.  I’m really starting to think that perhaps back home on whatever planet she and Erin come from that it could be possible that junior high drama club cafetorium stage crying is how their alien race lubricates their eyeballs.

Maybe it’s actually a necessity in their culture.  This may require additional research before next week’s breakdown.

Finally it was Competition Day!  And time to get your hair did at the Haus of Zack.

Now any of you who have been around this hot mess of a blog long enough know that I am the world’s biggest supporter of kids doing whatever they want, and following whatever path they choose.  And boy dancers get a bonus point just for putting up with all the crap that the other Dbag kids in school hand them in gym class.

Purple Nurples, anyone?

But a boy dancer who also looooves doing hair instead of playing football just made me grin.  Nothing bad.  Just made me grin.

And props to Mom Gina again, because not only does she have that whole pickle jar scenario to explain to all the relatives every holiday, but now she also calmly admitted that Zack is ‘very comfortable’ with himself.  Which can lend itself to about as many interpretations as their are languages.  Which is a lot, not even counting Elisabeth’s planet.

You go, Zack.  I got your back, buddy.

It’s just not necessary to knock over two of the other Moms just so you can get to someone’s makeup chair before anyone else touches the hair.  That’s where I grinned.

Yvette did her usual huddled up pep talk to her daughter confirming that, once again, none of the girls were as good as Hadley.

Then everybody danced.  It was all ghosts and goblins and werewolves.  And dry ice and gravestones and that fake blood you can buy at CVS.  And three kind of dirty, slutty vampires that totally reminded me of those college girls who always dress like Naughty Nurses every Halloween.

(I should probably also mention that at the start of the dirty vampire number Abby moaned “Oh Yeah” like you’re supposed to only do when the fireman comes on stage at Chippendales.  That was just odd.)

Robin and Richy didn’t get much face time this week.  I’m surprised that the judges don’t do much more than judge.  Go figure.  Maybe later on in the season.

Some of the kids did great.  Some did not.

When it was all said and done, Jordyn got called out for not doing all the things that Mom had told her to do, so she received a very supportive “This is on you” from Kelly.

Thanks for that, Mom.  See you in Therapy.

Poor little Kyleigh Jai was sent home, primarily because her Mom Kristen was too nice and normal.   Crazy sells.  Normal is boring.  But maybe that’s just me.

I’m sure somewhere in there Elisabeth must have cried a few more times, but by the end I had lost track of who was who with all that runny Thriller makeup.  Everyone was either crying or bleeding by the time it was over from what I could tell.

It was a graveyard smash.

And then there were 10.


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