Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Bring It!: Hey, Girl…So You Wanna Be A Dancing Doll? Well, Take A Number. And Don’t Forget The Baked Goods.

Friday, July 25th, 2014




Dat’s rite, haters. Pat yo’ weaves and shake in your boots. Cuz Miss Seloncé is back, mmmkay?






You just whip that Brazilian Bundle and let me handle the rest. Mama’s got cupcakes in the car.







Seriously. That is freakin’ hilarious.







I really shouldn’t be eating all this pizza, cuz you know some Krazy will bring in snacks tomorrow.






I don’t know if it’s my Mama or my new pink headband, but something is giving me stress right now.






I’m just saying that I know you have tasty cupcakes in the trunk. And I can see your car from here.






I’m not naming any names, but some of these edges are hanging on like Titanic passengers.




Buck, yeah.

DD4L is B.A.C.K.!

Let’s be real.  Four months ago I didn’t know that the elite world of hip hop majorette competitions even existed.  Don’t get me wrong…I could probably sound it out and bluff my way through a Jeopardy question, but that’s about as far as I could go on the subject.

Flash forward four months and now I’m pretty much an expert.  Ask me anything.  I’m also fairly certain that I could audition and make it through Stand Battle cuts despite the fact that a silver fringed, one legged leotard isn’t really my best look.  Not my worst, thank you very much.  But not my best.

Which makes for a nice, albeit visually disturbing, segue into the return of Bring It!

Lifetime’s overnight sensation blockbuster was back this week with (…depending on who you ask…) the second part of their first season.  Or a brand new second season.  I’m not really sure.  Lifetime Televsion has a bad habit of turning one season into a first half, second half, mid-season, unseen footage, summer premiere kind of thing.  So I don’t really know what I just watched.

Just ask my Dance Moms friends.  They’re all coming back next week and I guarantee you that none of them will have a clue what episode # it is until they open their DVDs on Christmas morning.

But regardless, Dianna “Miss D” Williams and the Dancing Dolls are back!  With a vengeance.  And that’s all that matters.

The last time we saw Miss D and the Dolls, they had just lost out at the Battle Royale to their arch rivals the Divas of Olive Branch.

After hooching up the DOB’s routine earlier in the season (…Pinocchio Stank, anyone?…) Coach Neva McGruder had dialed down the Olive Branch’s Pepe le Puppet Pew a few notches at the Battle Royale and taken the top prize away from the Dolls.


Not cool.

So now Miss D was back with a new attitude.  And maybe even some new dancers on the team.  Because it was audition time:  Dancing Doll Tryouts!

As a stampede of wannabe Dolls lined the Dollhouse Dance Factory sidewalk and pushed the interior of the building way over Jackson Fire Code Occupancy Limits, Dianna and Captain Kayla laid out the plan for the two day Tryout Camp.  The Dolls had lost too many competitions last season, and now Dianna wanted more from every girl.  A lot more.

And you know she meant business, because anyone who has a scotch tape dispenser shaped like a red stiletto means business.  Clearly, when it comes to office supplies and Dancing Dolls, Miss D don’t play.

As Kayla and Dianna got the auditions rolling inside, all our favorite Mamas were outside still trying to peek through the cracks in the window blinds.

All my girls were back.  And they were all nervously pacing the perimeter of the building, because just like the New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, everyone has to audition for their spot on the team every year.  No positions are guaranteed, which meant that every one of their daughters had to Buck or Die all over again this season.

Neighborhood Watch Captain Mimi was as hyper as always, pinging off the walls like some Foxwoods pinball machine.  When Pixar comes out with the animated version of this show they can pretty much just use the same face she already has it’s so pliable.

Love her.

It’s Rittany Bitch was as tightly wound as the ten pounds of braid on her head.  If you squinted, she kind of looked like a Dairy Queen soft serve with all that tasty goodness wrapped around and around on the top of the cone.  We love her, too.

She don’t play, either, btw.


Tina was still rocking her signature red hair, but this version appeared to be attached a little more securely than the one she yanked off and slammed on the sidewalk that time she threw down with Seloncé.

And speaking of.  Phew.  Selena finally showed up.

After getting all up in Dianna’s grill at the Battle Royale, nobody was certain that Sunjai‘s Mama was going to return.  But she did.  And she made it clear that if her daughter didn’t make the team this time around, she would go crazy.  Which is kind of hysterically ironic, since she’s already crazy.

But it’s the good kind of crazy.  Not the Walmart-slam a shopping cart into the side of your car because you took my space-kind of crazy.  She’s definitely the good kind of crazy.

We love Seloncé and Tina, too, just to be clear.

This time around there was also a new Mama on the scene.  Angelisa.

She’s Tamia‘s Mama.  Tamia was around last season, but I’m not sure if they actually ever said her name out loud.  Somebody pointed out that Tamia was Camryn‘s main competition for the available Head Co-Captain position while Angelisa was wearing one of those heat-pressed photo tee shirts you can buy on the boardwalk at the booth next to the curly fry place.  That’s really all the important stuff.

Back inside, Dianna put everyone through the choreography they would be performing at their final audition.  It was pretty basic.  Some girls got it right away.  Some girls poked their own eyes out.  And one white girl made all of Twitter freeze up and go Wait…What?

I swear.  It happened.  And I can point that out without being judged, because I’m a white boy who has days when I’m almost a white girl.  So there.  You go, girl.

There were also a number of open positions available on the team.  Too many, actually.  I lost track after the first ten or twenty.  Captains.  Co-Captains.  Drill Masters.  Head Drill Masters.  So many chefs in the kitchen.  It didn’t help that Dianna whipped them all off so fast that I had to pause my DVR.


Then it was off to the pizza shack with Miss D and Mimi, because everyone knows that you can’t do a Reality TV show without a little nosh.

I think they were discussing their friendship and Dianna’s (…alleged…) favoritism towards Mimi, as well as the whole Tamia vs. Camryn thang, but I was so distracted by how fast the pizza came that I forgot to pay attention.

I mean, really.  I don’t know if it was bad editing or if their waiter was actually the Flash from DC Comics, but one minute they were both sitting there with nothing but two diet cokes and the next minute Dianna’s almost finished with her pizza.

Whoa.  Chew your food, girlfriend.

While Mimi and Miss D inhaled their pepperonis, we scooted over to Rittany’s house to watch her relive her golden years as an All-American Cheerleader.  F’realz.

Wearing THE best DD4L tee shirt they’ve shown yet (…”I Roll With Dat”…) Rittany busted out some football cheers for Crystianna that pretty much gave me life.  LIFE, hunty.  My girl clearly loves her dancing.  And her Michael’s craft store wall decals, because that living room had quotes and/or floral sumthin sumthins all over da hizzle.

And now I kinda want to live with them.

Day Two of Tryout Camp kicked off with some serious butt kissing as Angelisa showed up with a gigantic box of cupcakes for Dianna.  The fancy kind.  The box had fake gift wrap ribbons printed on the lid so you know she didn’t do drive-thru.  Dianna snatched them right outta her paws, but then pointed out that a purse or a couple bags of weave would have scored Angelisa more points.

And while we’re on the subject, can we just address the elephant in the room?

The shower caps?

I’ve always admitted to knowing nothing about weaves and extensions beyond what I learned on Bravo and VH1.  But even I know that you don’t wear a shower cap out in public, fercryinoutloud.  Unless, of course, you’re the one actually slamming those shopping carts into people’s cars over by the outdoor part of the store where they sell lawnmowers and light-up Santas.  Then you probably do wear shower caps.  And proudly.


So can we not send anymore hate mail every time I jokingly point out that someone is wearing a shower cap?  I know it’s not really a shower cap, people.  Gah.  If you really ended up on this site looking for anything even remotely accurate, you need to switch from Google to Bing asap.

Thank you for your attention to this important shower cap PSA.  Especially since someone was wearing a nice pink one at the auditions that caught my eye.

But before we actually hit those auditions and found out who made the final cuts, we had a momentary downer over at Mimi’s house when Camryn got a rejection letter from Power APAC…that Kids From Fame kinda place that she applied to last season.

It’s their loss, Peanut.  Screw them and their stupid school.  Plus, you already have a glossy full color poster with your name on it up on your wall.  Did anyone else see that?

Totes Jealz.

Finally, it was Tryout Time!  At The Tougaloo College Campus.  I have no clue where that is, but it’s fun to say.  I bet their Fight Song is a riot.

After Twitter unfroze for the second time in one night (…thank you, Miss D’s belly button…) the wannabe Dolls and original recipe Dolls all hit the court floor.  Camryn busted it out.  Crystianna struggled a little.  Sunjai did amaze balls, so it didn’t look like Seloncé would need to raise the Homeland Security Crazy Level to Orange or Red.

All in all, the group routines went well.

Side note:  I want one of those “Brought It” shirts that Mimi and Calvin were wearing.

And I’m a size Medium, fyi.

The solo tryouts were when the nail biting really began.

Crystianna started out like a rockstar, but then froze in the middle of her routine.  When they started to play that slow music they used to play on Toddlers & Tiaras when the little nuggets stopped dead mid-finger kiss, I knew it wasn’t a good sign.


She eventually recovered and wrecked the place, but I had a feeling it might have been too little too late.

Camryn started out with a slow, jazzy kind of swagger and then ended up going so fast that it blurred my HD screen.  You Betta Work B**ch.  And get yo’ Mama under control because she almost knocked Seloncé right outta her seat when she jumped up in the air during her Victory Pose.  That’s My Baby!!!!!!!

Did I forget to mention that Camryn also threw about 30 seconds of major shade at Tamia when she pointed out the key differences between executing proper ballet technique and just flicking your hair like you’re grinding on the hood of a Mustang in a music video?

Because she totally did that and it was awe-some.

Oh, snap.  Yeeeeeaaaah.  I think she gets it from her Mama.

Then it was Tamia’s turn to shine.  That girl can move.  And flick it.  My neck still hurts a little.  And then it all came down to Hair vs. Lyrical.  Experience vs. Potential.

And cupcakes vs. a Michael Kors bag.

Before Rittany flat lined and had to be carried out of the auditorium, Dianna announced the results.

All our girls made the Dancing Dolls team again this season.  No real surprise there.

Crystianna, despite her momentary blackout, made Drill Master.  Tamia and all her big hair made Head Co-Captain.  Camryn made regular Co-Captain, even though I still don’t know the difference.  But she’s young and has years to prove herself and explain the position to the rest of us.

Kayla is still Captain.  Miss D still don’t like colored lipstick.

And you still ain’t Nicki Minaj.

Yup.  Bring It! is back, y’all.



Bring It! Bonus: A Jackson Quickie. Go Behind The Battles And Let Dianna Get You All Caught Up On The Good Stuff.

Saturday, May 17th, 2014



No more Bring It!…?

Aw Hell Nah.  Now what?

Psych.  We wouldn’t leave you hanging.

There was a little bit of milk left in the cow this week, so Lifetime squeezed out one more serving just to get us through until Dianna Williams & Co. return for Round Two.

Miss D gave us a behind the scenes opportunity to catch up on everything that’s been going on down at the Dollhouse Dance Factory since they burst onto our television screens.  For only ten episodes they sure have covered a lot of ground.

Most of it apparently just going back and forth to Memphis, but you get the idea.

But I know you’re all busy.

So with apologies to my girls, here’s the entire first season of Bring It! in under two minutes.  Probably less for those of you who always skim my stuff anyway.

You know who you are.

A Jackson Quickie, so to speak.  But the clean non-puppet kind.

No Stinky Divas.  No fluff.  No filler.  Just the meaty Mississippi goodness.  All in short, easy to follow sniglets for you Twitter types who are already losing your focus.


The Dancing Doll Parents.

Proof that with unconditional love, total support and some pretty fly silk screened t-shirts your kids can follow their dreams no matter where they lead.

Nobody loves you like yo’ Mama and yo’ Baby Daddy.

And I wear a size Medium if anybody wants to hook a brother up.  Red’s my color.


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The Dancing Dolls.

Without them, the DDPs wouldn’t have much to do.

So shout out to Kayla, Camryn, Sunjai and Crystianna…the girls who help make it all happen every time their Team hits the floor.

And PS…it’s not “Dee Dee Four EL.”

It’s “DD4ELLLLLLLLLL!!”  Mmmkay?



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And how about those Mamas?

Insane.  But the good kind of insane.

Wearing weaves and headgear made out of material previously only available to NASA scientists, these ladies can show us all a thing or two about family values and losing your nutty at an awards ceremony.

Trust me.  They’ll snatch yo’ wig and yo’ heart if you’re not careful.

Love.  Them.  Dotcom.


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The Baby Dancing Dolls.

Shut.  Up.

I don’t know what’s in those juice boxes, but these little niblets can lay it down like nobody’s bidnezz once the music starts playing.

Proving that you can never have too many Kaylas in your life, Captain K2 can throw Stands like it’s her day job.  If she was old enough to work, I mean.

And sassy, spunky OhNoSheBetterDon’t Taelar?

She is Slap Yo’ Mama cute.

And maybe yo’ Mama’s Mama, too.  I just can’t.


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But it wasn’t all just dancing.

We also got fashion tips from the Prancing Tigerettes.

Clearly, I have yet to master the Jerseylicous/Pee Wee Herman combo platter.

Even though Obama doesn’t carry his phone around as much as Quincy does, this dude is straight up awesome sauce.

Call me, buddy.  It’s in your right ear if you’re looking for it.


And this happened a lot.

pupSo there have it.

Everything you missed.  Kinda.  Sorta.

Now we just enjoy the summer and wait for Miss D and the gang to buck back into our lives again.  Hopefully sooner than later.

Catch y’all at the next Battle.

Wave Buh Bye, Taelar.



Bring It! Reunion: They Were Off The Sidewalks And On The Comfy Couch. Miss D And The Moms Break It Down.

Saturday, May 10th, 2014




It’s like I always say. Drop the beatz and a Daddy’s gotta Nae Nae when a Daddy’s gotta Nae Nae.






Mama’s not gonna lie, JJ. One more song and I woulda been all up on that Soul Train caboose.






I think you all know where this one got her moves. You wanna Frosty shake with that or nah?






I swear. If one more person tweets about m’ dress I’m gonna snatch Tina’s wig and hurt somebody.






Lawd have mercy. The chat rooms were right. This crazy bitch really does think she’s Beyoncé…






It was just a damn puppet show. Like Pinocchio or Punch and VaJayJay. Relax, girlfriend.



Pinocchio_l1 2



Imma gon’ need you to be a good little puppet and close yo’ legs, cuz that s*** just nasty.




Gurrrrl, pleez.  Have a seat.

A couple of them, actually.  You can all sit down.

Dat’s rite.  The Real Housewives of Jackson are in the hizzle, yo.

After almost breaking the internet over the past two months, the girls (…and boyeee…) of Lifetime’s Hip Hop Majorette Phenom Bring It! hit the couches this week for their first ever Reunion Show.  And they hit it hard.

Part Dance Moms.  Part Soul Train.  Part VH1.  Part any movie that starts with the words “Tyler Perry’s blah blah blah…,” this show has clearly grabbed America by its extensions and won’t let go.  So what better time than now to get your hair did, put on some fancy clothes, come in off the sidewalk and break it all down for the rest of us.

Hosted by Kim Coles (…who’s probably best known for being seriously HIGHlarious back in the day on FOX’s In Living Color and then letting her hair go all squiggly wiggly natural like it had a mind of its own after the show ended…) the Reunion hit the ground running with the Moms already lined up on the couch à la Andy Cohen.

Dang, gurlz.  You clean up nice.


After about nine weeks of winter jackets, Mickey Mouse hats and some unbeweavable moments of coiffured chaos (…remember the episode when my girl Tina‘s hair actually spent more time on the ground than on her head?…) it was a hoot to see all the ladies looking so fly.  Cuz you know I love me some DDPs.

The tracks were on point, the edges were laid, the Yaki wasn’t jacked and I have no idea what I’m talking about.  But someone tweeted it during the show with a smiley face after the sentence, so it must be a good thang.

Moral of the Story:  The ladies looked fine.  Lots of color.  Loads of color, actually.  And just enough crazy prints to give you the same kind of spots in front of your eyes that you get after a camera flash goes off at a birthday party.

Tina and Rittany were rocking’ some seriously bold fabrics that I couldn’t look at for very long, but they twerked it.

Seriously…stay tuned.  They twerked it.  I swear.

Neighborhood Stealth Spy Drone Mimi‘s dress was a little more of a Springtime plaid that somehow got the Twitterverse all wound up for whatever reason.  And Seloncé busted out one of those Kim Zolciak Atlanta pageant gowns with the midsection cutaways that only look good on women with 0% body fat.


Trust me.  Nobody wants to look like a human Play-Do factory squishing out multi-colored sausages while you’re screaming at NeNe Leakes.  Luckily, Seloncé doesn’t keep donuts in the house so she never poked out of her dress and therefore retained the title of ‘Hot Mom’ for another week.

Coach Dianna “Miss D” Williams led the fashion parade all strapless and curled up as Kim asked her how she balances being a Coach with being a Mom.

We got to see the softer side of Dianna as she revealed that every once in awhile she has an over achiever meltdown and just needs to go hide somewhere and cry.  Part of me could feel her pain.  The other part of me just decided to lower my expectations and have fewer attainable goals in life.  Problem solved.

We also found out that Dianna had tried out for a college majorette team a number of times but never made the final cut, which was the catalyst to opening up her own dance bidnezz.  Turning a failure into a win, as they say.

Kim took us on a quick flashback through some of Miss D’s more memorable coaching moments (…“You ain’t Nicki Minaj!”…) and then introduced the Dancing Dolls themselves, who busted out a quick field show on the other side of the room.

Kayla! Sunjai!  Camryn!  Crystianna!

After they finished the routine, each girl demonstrated a particular dance move as Dianna explained what was happening.


Cat Jump.  Death Drop.  Elbow Cartwheel.  And a Rollover Into A Backbend.

Sidenote:  When the EMTs pull my unconscious body from my building next week, tell them I was trying the second one, please.

The Dolls then scooched over onto the couches and relived some classic Mom Moments, including Rittany saying ‘Ridikilus’ and Tina’s ‘Public Service Announcement’ about cashing Reality Checks.

And there might have been a wig snatch up in there somewhere, too.  I died a little.

Love.  These.  Moms.  Period.  End of sentence.

Oh.  And Seloncé’s a grandmother, by the way.

Baby at 14.  Granny by 30.  Lawd ha’ mercy.  That kind of just came out of nowhere, but that’s what makes this show such a scream.  Don’t look away for a second.

When we came back from a commercial break the Moms had all been dipped in some kind of radioactive-resistant superhero liquid nylon and were running around in skintight bodysuits (…Pixar’s newest The Boughetto Incredibles?…) getting ready to dance.

I know, right?  Dancing DDPs.  Shut.  Up.

After a quick team twerk, each Mom hit the center stage spotlight like they were back on American Bandstand.  Rittany got in about 5 seconds of buh-buh-boogie before Seloncé took over the floor and proved that Grandmas do Run The World, Girls.


Honestly, I assumed the rest of the hour was just going to be Seloncé dancing around in a circle, because I had no idea how anyone was going to get her to stop.  But eventually Tina got the hook and brought her own brand of Wendy’s milkshake to the yard.

Boom.  Boom.  And Pow.

That was no jam.  Or jelly.  That was straight up Tina on a cracker, ya’ll.

And that wig wasn’t going nowhere tonight.  It was tight.  And right.  And whipping around like she was one of Charlie’s Angels chasing bad guys on a moped.

Mimi finished the whole thing off with a dance that started out looking like she was just going to carry a laundry basket down cellar but then ended up a lot funkier when she did a one handed upside down kinda thing.  Truth.  These Mamas got it going on.

Don’t even get me started on Tina’s Fat Girl Shuffle.  Call me, Girl.

In true Dance Moms fashion, we then had a few more minutes of Mother/Daughter bonding (…complete with a Stand Battle!..) and then Kim brought out the Evil Nemesis from the opposing dance company.

Neva McGruder.  From the Divas Of Olive Branch.  Aw Hell Nah.


Move over Candy Apples.  This is how you get under someone’s skin.

Wearing every animal print known to still be out there in the Wild, Neva came on stage and immediately started pushing all of Miss D’s buttons.

As you’ll recall, the Divas and the Dolls had not been feeling the Love for awhile.  They faced each other a number of times during the season.  In Stand Battles.  In Street Battles.  And sometimes on their backs with their legs spread wide open like hoochies.

Oh.  Yeah.  The Stinky Divas.  Now you remember?

Basically, it pretty much spiraled out of control in front of Kim as soon as Neva confronted Dianna about comments she had made regarding the Divas laying back like old fashioned bunny ear TV antennas and flashing their naughty bit channel knobs to the crowd.

During the original episode, Dianna had said “What is this?  A strip club?” after seeing the girls all…you know.  And now Neva felt it necessary to drag out Dianna’s past and accuse her of pulling the Divas back into ‘That World’ with her comments.

Umm.  That World?  Yikes.

Neva got all defensive.  Dianna got all Hashtag: GirlBye.  And then Kim looked for the panic button under the arm of her chair.


The award for Best Line Of The Night And Maybe The Century went to Neva when she claimed that the entire routine was meant to be a cutesie puppet move.

Puppet.  Move.

One.  I hope she meant ‘Marionette,’ because I don’t know anyone who’s gonna stick their hand up inside those puppets and make ’em talk.

And Two.  A Puppet Move?  #GirlBye.

I’m not even going to mention that Neva snuck in one last WTF by pointing out that it’s impossible to dance without spreading your legs.  I’m not.  So don’t ask me.

Please.  Someone save us from this madness.

Someone like JJ!

Complete with a fully charged Sidekick on his belt, Sunjai’s Dancing Baby Daddy hit the lights.  Because a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do.

And clearly, what a Daddy’s gotta do is the Nae Nae.  Because he did it.

Youtube it if you don’t believe me.  It’s the latest rage with all the kids.


Dude can dance.  James Junior was in da house to show all the ladies how it’s done and werked it like George Jefferson used to do when there were no customers inside the dry cleaning store.

Tina just ’bout fell out of her seat.  Hard.  I said Call me, Girl.  What’s the hold up?

JJ represented the supportive daddy contingent like a Boss.  He loves his baby and will go to the ends of the earth (…and most every competition…) to show Sunjai that she’s his princess.  Cuz, you know…a Daddy’s gotta do…

As the clocked ticked down, there was just enough time to bring out everyone’s favorites…The Baby Dancing Dolls!

Seriously.  These little niblets.  I just can’t.

So cute.  So sassy.  And 90% weave.  These tiny bottle rockets are pure gold and hit their marks just like the Big Girls.  They’re so tiny and so fast it’s almost like trying to watch a bug when it’s caught between your window and the screen.  They need their own Nickelodeon spin-off show asap.  Maybe it could even be animated.

Because that would be awe…some.

(See what can happen when you don’t spend all night on your PS4, kids?)

We even got to interview tiny Destini and Taelar.  (Nice to see that someone is still getting some use out of the old Toddlers & Tiaras Name Generating Machine.  I hated to see that thing go to waste when TLC cancelled the show.)


They both held their microphones like they were Whitney Houston and you need to watch that segment over and over every time you feel sad, because the Baby Dolls are exceptionally smile-inducing on a bad day.

And then it was over already.

I guess they edited out some other lady who was shown in a bunch of promo photos, because they never showed her…or her chair…during the entire show.  I’m too lazy to Google it, so I guess it’ll just be one more urban legend that will probably outlive us all.

Before she shut the whole thing down, Kim tried to get some scoop on the recently announced second season, but Dianna wasn’t giving away no dirt for free.  No way.

So I guess we’ll all have to come back later this Summer and see wassup with the Dolls.

The Big Ones and the Little Ones.

I’ve already got my spot on the Dollhouse sidewalk reserved.  I’ll be right there getting my Krazy on with all the Moms if you need me.

But for now…just pat it, snatch it, wash it and then hang it out to dry.

That way it’ll be fresh and ready to go for a whole new season of Bring It! that’s just around the corner.

See you then, mmmkay?



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