Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Alana Is Back And She Done Brung Her Family With Her! Get Ready For Some Mud Splashing, Glitzy Pig Squealing Fun!

Thursday, August 9th, 2012

 

 

That’s right, bitches. I’m back. And you’re gonna need a jug of Honey Booze Booze to wash down all of this Redneckosity!

 

 

 

OMG! Triple bonus coupons on Brawny, right when I was down to my last 423 rolls of paper towels.

 

 

 

 

I don’t need no manners. The smell of pigs feet and my Rubbermaid hat bring all the boys to the yard, thank you.

 

 

 

 

Everyone hit me up in the chatrooms as soon as I posted that I do Mud Facials and Cheese Balls. What’s up widdat?

 

 

 

Seriously. I work seven days a week and I still have to go out and hit me some dinner every night? That’s messed up.

 

 

 

I don’t even know where babies come from, but check out that TV! If you get knocked up you get free cable! Score!

 

 

 

 

Sheeeoooot.

I love me some Honey Boo Boo Child.

There.  I said it.  I own it.  And now I can’t take it back.

Being, at least in my own head, the blogosphere’s authority on All Things Reality I get to watch some fine hot messes just so I can report back to all of you.  And sometimes when I have to pass all the juicies along, I have to make something out of nothing if the show is not up to my exceptionally high standards.

Pimpin’…and bloggin’…ain’t easy.

But then at other times, the Gods of Reality simply dump a bucket of pigs feet and television magic on my head and it just happens.

This is one of those moments.

Ladies and Gentlemen.  Rednecks and Etiquettes.

I give you Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

After months of nervous hand wringing and coupon clipping, the most recent undisputed Toddlers & Tiaras breakout star finally plopped out onto our television screens this week like a newborn baby calf, all covered in a gooey coating of cheese ball dust and bat s*** crazy.  And the World is now either a better place for it, or is frantically spinning towards the end of civilization as we know it.

That one is up to you to decide, because the internet arguments will undoubtedly drag on longer than Huntin’ Season, and I’m just here to report the deets as I see ’em…with perhaps a few questionable embellishments if I deem them necessary.

But you already know how I roll.  So let’s do this.

Alana Thompson, the 6 year old pageant firecracker, still likes to Holla for a Dolla and win moneeeeey.  There’s no doubt about that.  But now she is taking us on a behind the scenes view of what really goes down in her Georgia hometown.  And there is Reality TV gold in them thar hills, along with a made to order sitcom family right out of Central Casting.

They’re real, and they don’t make no excuses about it, which is why I love ’em.  They don’t care if we like them.  They don’t care if we hate them.  They just want to be left alone to do their extreme couponing, win pageants and do Redneck stuff.

Mom June is still big, loud, proud and thrifty.  Fame has in no way diminished her desire to scarf up every multi-pack of toilet paper and 2-ply Brawny within the city limits, all at a considerable discount by the way, and display them like the biodegradable equivalent of Precious Moments figurines on approximately 8 linear miles of plastic Home Depot shelving.

Fame has also in no way diminished her desire to hold in any bodily functions, regardless of their point of origin.

Burps, honks, toots, farts and Super Sneezes were all seamlessly integrated into pretty much every one of her conversations.  If you can look past the stigma that society usually puts on letting one rip during a television interview or Target run, it really is almost an art form.

This week was a Meet & Greet of sorts, so we could all get to know and love the Family, who are all packed into a house that looked to be wedged less than 6 inches from the train tracks.  I don’t even know how that one got past the Zoning Board, but I bet property taxes are about $15.34 a year if you round up.

Imagine living near an airport where the plane actually lands on your roof, and then inside are 5 women and 1 man (…who could really use his own flipper, by the way…) all fighting over one bathroom.  In the first 3 minutes of the show you didn’t need a NASA degree to figure out why they were all so loud and why everyone chose to wash their hair and road kill in the kitchen sink.  I only hope they don’t multi-task when they’re under a time crunch, because venison is stringy enough fresh off the highway.

Dad Mike, aka “Sugar Bear,” works seven days a week mining chalk.  I have no clue how you do that, or whether it’s done in a chalk mine or harvested off trees in the Fall, but whatever it is…he does it.  And he does it non-stop apparently, so Georgia must be the Chalk State or something.  I’m a little fuzzy on some of my 7th grade Social Studies, so I apologize in advance on that one.

Sugar Bear never actually said it, but I bet that getting out of that Amtrak station once in awhile probably makes him smile a big, spacious jack-o-lantern smile, so I’d be curious to actually see his time card.

There are also three gum poppin’, mud sloppin’ sisters hanging around the house, and you didn’t need that degree or a DNA swab to know they all fell off the same turnip truck.

(Side note.  Apparently, you also didn’t need to know English to watch this show, because approximately 98% of the production was subtitled as though I had just tuned into Spanish HBO.  Granted, they all talk in a southern drawl with a mouth full of snacks, but I think I can make out what they’re saying on my own.  If I wanted a foreign art film I probably wouldn’t be hitting up Honey Boo Boo on a Wednesday night.  But thanks, anyway.)

Lauryn (“Pumpkin“) was the crazy pig feet bobber in the family, and proudly proclaimed that she was pretty much born without manners.  Jessica (“Chubbs“) could cram enough cheese balls in her mouth to warrant a call to the Guinness World Record people all while wondering how she got her nickname.  Anna (“Chickadee“) was the 17 year old pregnant teen in the family, since according to MTV everyone in Georgia should have at least one.

Taking into consideration that Anna is 17 and Mom is only 32, you didn’t really need a calculator to figure that one out.  You actually didn’t even need all your fingers and toes.  At one point between toots and sneezes, June commented on how proud she was of Anna for staying in school until she popped.

As if on cue, a few scenes later Anna then showed off that high school edukashun by not knowing what an “abdomen” was…so…umm…yeah.

The first family trip was to the Redneck Games down the road a bit, and June hit the barn nail on the head when she warned us that there were some “broke down” people in that town.

Ok.  Broke Down is one thing.  But not even an Emergency Broadcast System scroll across the bottom of the screen would have prepared me for some of the Vajiggle Jaggle that Georgia unleashed at the Games.  When Mama Boo Boo said some blub would be eating some bikinis up, Girlfriend wasn’t lying.

You know how when you make an omelet and you toss in some ingredients and then watch them slowly soak down into the warm cheese until they completely disappear from sight?

Yeah.  It was like that.  Except your oven doesn’t get as hot as the Georgia sun.  Or as moist.  Now try to get that visual out of your head.

You’re welcome.

Pumpkin bobbed for pigs feet in one of those big plastic bins that you store your Christmas decorations in while Chubbs and Alana belly flopped in the mudbog.  They didn’t win the mud prize unfortunately, most likely because they couldn’t hold a beer and belly flop at the same time like one Vajiggler did.

Again.  An art form.

There was also a brief moment when June proved that she’s Sexy and She Knows It by booty grinding up against some Redneck cowboy butt just long enough to burn my retinas, and my tears burned like a midnight cheese ball toot.

Back home at the train station, everyone gathered around the world’s largest cup holder couch to shovel down even more cheese balls and talk about how fat they were getting.

Seriously.  More?  Is there like a secret cheese ball room somewhere that we are not privy to yet?  Do we get to see it during the final episode or something?

I swear, it was literally the kind of endless supply that Feed The Children should be dropping out of planes somewhere.  They were so busy passing around the industrial vat of round puffs that they never even noticed a train conductor walk through the house and steal a 6 pack of toilet paper for the ride home.

Between fistfuls of the magic cheese confection, everyone complained about how fat they were getting and then had a cattle auction weigh-in.  Then they went back to the cheese balls.

Since Alana is still a pageant princess under all that yellow dust, everyone hit up a Natural Faces practice competition to get her revved up for the next big glitz show.

Unfortunatley, Alana lost again, and went home with nothing.  And losing at a practice competition that pretty much awards the winner with a bag full of nothing has got to suck.

But luckily, nothing cures the blues like a teacup piglet with a manicure, right?

Move over all you Reality TV pocket sissy dogs, because Glitzy the Piggy has arrived.

Dad swung by Posh Pigs, which is some kind of pork store apparently owned and operated by a former Spice Girl, and snagged a little squealer for Alana.

And believe me, if anyone or anything is capable of drowning out the roar of those trains, it’s Glitzy, because that little piggie went wee wee wee from the minute he left the store right up until he made my ears bleed and then blacked out from piglet exhaustion.

Posh Spice had hooked him up with some purple and green pig nail polish too, so watching a piglet question his own sexuality was a nice touch.  Alana was going to dress that little boy piggy up like a pageant girl until he chewed his own pork rinds off, or died trying.

One of the talking points when Alana lost at the Natural Faces pageant was her refinement and polish (…go figure…) so Mom had hired an etiquette specialist to jump off a box car and swing by the house for a training session.

Barbara Hickey, from the Etiquette School of Atlanta (…who is now most likely in secluded rehab somewhere far away strapped to her bed with restraints…) drew the short straw and arrived with her laminated Miss Manners presentation boards to put Alana and Pumpkin through a quick bootcamp.

In hindsight, Mrs. Hickey should have bolted as soon as she made eye contact with the pig.  But people with manners don’t bolt unless there’s no caviar.  So she mustered up enough strength to enter the Coupon Queen Paper Towel Restaurant and attempted to show the girls how to eat with utensils.

Watching someone with manners slowly deteriorate into a mere shell of their former self, complete with back sweat and the kind of fake smile you use when meeting old classmates at reunions, was delightful.  By the time Pumpkin asked if it was rude to pass gas at the dinner table, Mrs. Hickey would have thrown herself through the glass window pane if all those F***ing paper towels weren’t blocking her exit.

As the dust from Mrs. Hickey’s tire spin out was dissipating, Mom and Alana hit up the local H&H Auction to bid on some past expiration bundt cake and home goods.  You have no idea how much I loved this show right around this point.

It was basically held in one of those armory looking places where they always lay out all the belongings after they empty a house on Hoarders Buried Alive.  I need to go there.

Honey Boo Boo Premiere Week ended with a quick trip to the strip mall ultra sound store.  No lie.

A couple of goo squirts on Anna’s belly and the world got to see the future Kaitlyn Elizabeth staring back at us in horror.  I’m pretty sure the fetus was even holding a post-it note that said “I’ll stay in here, thank you.”

And since you never know when a pageant judge is going to ask you where babies come from, we finished off the evening learning way more than anyone should ever know about southern hospitality and Poppin’ Fresh biscuits.

Whacking them on the counter will never be the same.

And neither will Reality TV as we know it.

Because Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.

Love ’em or hate ’em, they’re here to stay.

And I love ’em.

Holla.

Dance Moms: Paige Gets The Boot And Jill Gets Her Bump-It Back When The ALDC Heads To Starbound. Break A Leg, Ok? Or Maybe Both Of Them.

Wednesday, August 8th, 2012

 

 

Sing along. I’m Bringing Bump-Its Back. Them other Dance Moms don’t know how to act.

 

 

 

 

Shut. Up. I would kill for a juicy drumstick as big as that boot Paige is wearing. Literally. I would kill someone for it.

 

 

 

 

 

Soon. Very soon, baby girl. My Master Plan is slowly falling into place…bone by broken bone.

 

 

 

 

When I close my eyes, Kendall is a really famous dancer. And I’m on “Knots Landing” wearing shoulder pads and fur.

 

 

 

 

 

Just. Shoot. Me.

 

 

 

 

 

Alouette, Gentille Alouette.

That’s French.

French for “I’ll break ALL your legs if it will help my kid get in the Group Number.”

Knowledge.  The More You Know.

So stay in school kids.  And run like the freakin’ wind if you see Jill Vertes coming in your direction, because Mama will do whatever it takes to get Kendall into the ALDC and you do NOT want to get in her way.

That also pretty much just summed up the latest episode of Dance Moms, so if you’re short on time you can go now.  You’ll miss all the hilarity, but you got the gist of what happened.

For the rest of you with time to kill at work, here we go.

Fresh off a victorious trip to Lancaster, where Abby Lee Miller and her tiny tot dancers brought home oodles of high scores and displayable shiny hardware, it was time to prep for yet another Starbound National Talent Competition.

But as you know…and say it with me…nothing can get done until the Pyramid of Shame is revealed, so Abby whistled everyone into the studio like livestock at a farm bankruptcy auction and got down to bidnezz.

However, during the pointe shoe platoon of mom and daughter soldiers falling into formation it was glaringly apparent that they were missing Kelly, her crazy a** haircut and Paige.

As you will recall last time in Lancaster, Paige had decided to rehearse her backwards whatchamacallit in the makeup room.  Now, personally, I didn’t need to actually see the hotel construction blueprints to know that there was probably nothing but solid concrete under the synthetic carpet squares, but for reasons we may never know Paige shot backwards like a Slinky when you flip it down a staircase and immediately doinked her toe.

Turned out she didn’t just doink it, she really doinked it.  Which explained why she and Mom were still at the doctor’s office having all the little piggies on Paige’s left foot scoped out.

But even if the doctor had to cut that thing off at the ankle with no anesthesia, the Pyramid must go on.  So chop chop, girls.

The bottom row was all about Paige, Mackenzie and Chloe.

Proving that even when you’re MIA you can get knocked down a peg or two, Paige was at the bottom because of that backwards whatchamacallit.  I guess Abby’s reasoning was that compared to a potentially career ending face plant on solid concrete, having your photo taped to the bottom of the Pyramid wouldn’t seem so bad.

Mackenzie was there basically because she was Mackenzie.  Love the MacAttack.  No matter how many times Abby pokes her with a stick, Mack just pokes with her tongue through one of those missing tooth spots and goes on like a trooper.

Chloe was there to make room for Maddie at the top, even though Abby didn’t actually verbalize it quite like that.  But I’m psychic, and I knew.

Middle row was all about Brooke, her teenage angst and Nia.

Now that you bring it up, even Brooke’s headshot looks a little mopey.  It’s a pretty photo and all, but it kind of looks like something that would be attached to the resumé of some young soap opera ingenue who’s had a rough start to life in Pine Valley, if you know what I mean.  She’s already really pretty, but Girlfriend needs to get her smile muscles to work as hard as her core.  She also needs to pop an Advil and foam roll her back muscles, because she was hurting this week.

Nia werq’d it last week with her Laquifa What? sequel, but again…the whole Maddie thing threw a wrench into that climb up the hill.

Finally, Top Spot was again reserved for Maddie, and I hope you all do a better job of faking a surprised look when they throw you a birthday party in the office breakroom next year than you did at that reveal.

MackAttack, Brooke and Maddie all got solos for the competition.  But more importantly, for the first time after begging for years and years…Chloe finally got her duet with Paige.

One minor KidSpaz later, the excitement was quickly dialed down about 100 notches when Paige klunked into the studio wearing one of those Terminator walking boots on her busted foot.

Yeah.  That duet wasn’t gonna happen.

At least not for 4 to 6 weeks anyway.  No dancing for Paige.  Just soft beachy curls and note taking.  Breaking her toe also seemed to have cut into her age-inappropriate hairstyling regimen, because Paige’s ‘do didn’t seem to irritate me as much as it had in the last few weeks.  Granted, it was still borderline fake I.D. photo that you buy on the pier at Hampton Beach and then try to scuff up to make it look like you’ve had it in your purse forever, but yeah…it was definitely more chillaxed.

So, have you been reading about how all these baby seals are congregating on New England beaches this summer?  And how all these great white sharks are now smelling them and swimming really close to the shore to try and eat them all?

Well.  Stick a Bump-It on one of those great whites, shove it in a mini-van, set its GPS for Pittsburgh…and there you have it.

Jill was back.  Again.  And she smelled the blood in the water.

The podiatrist had barely even licked the x-ray envelope shut and Jill was already in the building trying to slip Kendall into the group number.  She actually swooped down so quickly I thought she might break Paige’s other foot in her haste to get some lipstick on her kid and shove Kendall into Abby’s face.

Under the guise of being there to “take a class,” Jill booted Kendall out of the studio and then swam up to crippled baby seal Paige, who I’m pretty certain started to scribble Save Me in her notepad and then slowly held it up towards the camera lens like a kidnap victim does in the back window of a getaway car.

After telling Paige how sorry she was about her foot, in much the same tone of voice I would use if I was proclaiming how sorry I was that all those Krispy Kreme donuts fell off the truck onto my doorstep unharmed and still warm, Jill scooted up to the Mom Perch to get under everyone’s skin.

Side note.  If this whole dance thang doesn’t work out, it’s probably good to know that Christi has a future in cartoon voiceovers.

I’m just throwing this one out there in case she is ever looking for additional income to put towards all her glitter tops, because I swear the woman channeled Grover from Sesame Street when she started worrying about Kendall now having a spot on the Pyramid.

Or Yoda, maybe.  I couldn’t decide.

Place on Pyramid, She Has.

In the midst of all this hub bub, Maddie had to fly out to Atlanta to film her scenes on Drop Dead Diva, because otherwise Lifetime wasn’t going to be able to run 72 commercials for the show during this episode.

Seriously.  Lifetime.  We get it.

On the other hand, Kelly didn’t get The Diary of Anne Frank, which was the theme for Brooke’s solo.  Going forward, she may want to keep in mind that Holly is a school principal and the freakin’ book was required 5th grade reading, because Holly’s face alone was worth the price of admission.

Not to mention that they even made a comic book out of it, lady.

Since someone else was now going to have to shimmy around with Chloe in the duet, Abby threw together what I guess you would call an audition.  She figured it would be in her best interest to fake one out instead of just telling Nia NO and then giving it to Kendall, because you know how Al Sharpton somehow always magically shows up like an ambulance chaser every time something like that goes down.

While working on the costumes for the Alouette themed group number, Holly saw what was happening in the auditions and wasn’t liking it.  She probably also wasn’t liking all the distractions of the Secret Moms on the other side of the Perch.  They were exceptionally active this week.

And who are these people?  Do we ever get to see them?  They’re like that other side of the island on LOST or something.   If one of them doesn’t do an impromptu puppet show off the back of the couch or stick a sign up behind Melissa‘s head pretty soon, I’m going to be really disappointed.

Finally, all the Moms put down their French costume scraps and went downstairs to get all up in Abby’s grill about Kendall and Jill again.  The usual.

The best part was Holly twirling Nia’s beret around on her finger like some crazy Mime who’ll cut you if you don’t drop 5 Euros in her tin can.  I love Holly.

Then there was about 15 minutes of Jill hissy fits, Jill outfits and Jill hairstyles.

Not for nothing, but I’m starting to think that the girls down at the salon didn’t really walk Jill through what to do with her hair when they’re not around, because every time we saw her she was trying something else in an attempt to get a handle on it.  But she brought the Bump-It back, and that’s really all that matters.

Maddie’s trip to Atlanta was just a show within a show for a few minutes, and a cleverly disguised commercial before we broke for the real DDDiva commercial.

Well played, Lifetime.

Finally it was Show Time!

This time around, the competition was set up in the hotel ballroom on one of those parquet floors they roll out for bar mitvahs and receptions.  No platform.  No nuthin.

Full disclosure, I was secretly hoping that a rogue housekeeping cart would roll across the middle of the stage at some point, with one of those delightfully crazy women with Windex in her apron pocket and a pillow under one arm running after it screaming like she works at Taco Bell.

But no such luck.

The group Mime number went off without a hitch, or a Room Service tray, so that was a good thing.  I wasn’t quite sure what was happening with Abby’s hair when they cut to one of her interview shots right after the number…guess somebody forgot their conditioner that day.  Whoa.

Brooke’s back continued to act up until all she could do was lay face down on the floor, which seemed kind of counterproductive since most chiropractors tell you to lay on your back when it hurts to align your spinal cord.  But whatever.

Kelly finally got her Mom Courage up and pulled Brooke’s number, figuring that risking paralysis is probably not worth the souvenir Starbound t-shirt.

That resulted in another throw down between pretty much all the Moms, the kids and that lady with the Windex.  Abby swore that Kelly and Brooke were in cahoots to pull the number because they were scared of the level of competition that was out on the parquet, which deteriorated into Abby’s declaration that “Lazy Gets You Nowhere!” which in turn gave us one of Holly’s patented Whatchoo Talkin’ About Willis? faces.

Did I mention that I love her?

Maddie’s solo was entitled “This Is Me Over You” which was Abby’s poorly veiled middle finger flip to all the other girls.  And it didn’t go unnoticed.  I feel sorry for the kid, because she hates that Abby keeps rubbing her successes into the faces of all her little friends, and she really does try to not get all Mini Diva on them.  But Abby won’t let up.

It’s really gotten to the point where I swear that if Abby had any upper body strength she would pick up Maddie like the Lion King baby and let all the other gazelles gather ’round in awe.

By the way, if you want to know the results of the competition, you may want to Google a site that has a clue what they’re talking about.  All I know is that the emcee changed his tie in the middle of the show.  What was that all about?

By the time it was all over, Brooke was still face down, Jill was still phutzing with her hair and wishing that Brooke had been in more severe pain earlier in the week so Kendall could have moved in for the kill and Abby was still hugging Maddie so hard that I thought the kid’s head would pop off like one of Kelly’s wine corks.

For a little more salt in the wound, Abby then requested that Maddie show everyone her DDDiva routine.  Because she’s Maddie.  And they’re not.

Next thing I knew there was so much Mom Meltdown going on that my next door neighbor pounded on the wall thinking I was having a party.

Somebody screamed something about Role Models.  Christi accused Abby of sabotaging her daughter.  Abby called Chloe a Sneak or a Snake or both.  Christi called Abby a Whore.  Four times, I believe.

Oh Snap.  She went there.

Then Chloe cried, which set off all the other girls like dominos.  Melissa yanked Maddie out of the room like there was  a shoe sale in the lobby and Holly did another ‘Willis face or two.  Maybe more.

Abby then implied that Brooke was past her prime and may never dance again.  You can figure out how Kelly reacted to that one on your own.

Jill just sat back and took it all in, knowing that the more blood that they spill in the room, the closer to the shore she and Kendall can swim.

It got tense.  The kind of tense that smelled like dancing baby seal meat.

And Mama’s hungry.

Mob Wives Chicago: Everyone Has Some Daddy Issues When Giana Goes Behind Bars, Nora Gets Bewildered & Leah Gets Seriously BeDazzled.

Monday, July 30th, 2012

 

 

No. For the millionth time, it’s not “Team Edward or Jacob.” It’s “Team Jacquie.”  Were you even listening to me?

 

 

 

 

And I didn’t text anything bad. Just a sideways kitty face and some LOLs, so back that thing up outta my face.

 

 

 

 

You know that every time Nora hears a cell phone beep she thinks it’s an Alien Mothership. You’re just being mean.

 

 

 

 

Seriously. Do we have enough pink sequins left to spell out “Team Shut The F*** Up, Bitch?”

 

 

 

 

I find that if you Biff ’em in the Gob with a rolling pin, they shut up and go back to their crafting. It’s a Goombalicious good thing.

 

 

Hey, Baby.

Who’s yer Daddy?

Trust me on this one.  Those are words that you never want to hear spoken by any male cast member from The Jersey Shore, or by anyone employed at a maximum security penitentiary.  Both will send you back home feeling kind of dirty and bummed out.

This week Mob Wives: Chicago was all about Family Issues.

Daddy Issues.  Mommy Issues.  Brothers & Sisters who dump dead bodies off at a cemetery Issues.  The usual.

And the list went on and on.  Some of the issues were seriously raw and touching.

Some…not so much.  But regardless of the level of sensitivity, they were all handled in perfect ChiTown style.

First off, we headed to the local Bead & Sequin Emporium for something shiny.

As you will recall, Leah‘s Mom Jacquie had been diagnosed with cancer and just recently begun treatment.  So sad for anyone…no jokes allowed in this paragraph.  The girls were all going to participate in a Walk to raise awareness, so Leah and Christina were scooping up sparkly stuff to BeDazzle their pink team tee shirts.  Some of the most touching moments in any of those Walks are always the homemade signs and tee shirts proudly remembering both those who survived and those who lost their fight, so I was really hoping they would max out that credit card on Bling.

We love Jacquie and her sassy Golden Girls attitude.  If the rigatoni sauce ain’t spicy enough, just have Mom stick her finger in the pot and you won’t be able to feel your tongue in the morning.

And you don’t need to waste your time on a DNA test to prove she is Leah’s Mom, either.  All Jacquie has to do is open her mouth and you have proof that would probably hold up in any court.  So if anyone deserves a tee shirt that can be seen from Space, it’s Jacquie.  You go, girl.

Christina was going to host the Crafting Night at her house, so she and Leah needed to make sure there were plenty of supplies on hand, knowing full well that if all the girls were going to get together under one roof it was inevitable that at least one bowl of Swarovski crystals would get hurled at someone’s head, and those things are impossible to find in the carpet.

Leah had also decided to invite Nora to participate in the Walk and zazzle up her own tee shirt, more likely out of pity than with the outside chance that she would somehow suddenly become the life of the party.  Ever since Renee unleashed all that ‘Roid Rage Barbie on Nora’s face a few weeks back, Leah had been straddling the fence on the whole issue.  She doesn’t support most of Nora’s decisions, or even support Nora opening her mouth if at possible, but she also doesn’t support half of Chicago ganging up on a woman-child who still thinks hair extensions come from unicorn tails.

While Leah and Christina stocked up on enough epoxy and cubic zirconium to easily enter Nora into any Toddlers & Tiaras Glitz Pageant (…And how amazing would that episode be?  Ladies and Gentlemen–Noraaaaaaaaah.  She likes spinning in circles and seeing own her reflection in soup spoons… ) there was a different kind of family drama brewing down the road.

Renee’s daughter Giana was getting ready to go visit her incarcerated Dad and it was giving her some anxiety.  And we all know that nothing takes the edge off a stressful day like really soaping up your puppy.

(Whoa.  I know what you probably thought I just said since you were skimming this post.  Slow down and read the thing.  You might like it, and not jump to such racy conclusions.)

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  I just don’t get these Take Your Dog To The DogWash Store places.  We’ve all seen Renee’s house.  She has a sink.  And a tub, I assume, to wash off all that lavender eye makeup and body bronzer.  The dog is a whole 5 pounds if that…even a quick toilet dunk would hose him off.  Granted, as we learned later on in the episode he can dump on a dining room floor like a St. Bernard that’s been holding it in all week, but he’s pretty much a big purse puppy.

But whatever.  Giana took dirty tiny Blue to the DogWash Store, accompanied by that kid Marco who we all assume by now is her token Whacky Sidekick, styling in his skinny jeans and Club Kid haircut.  Marco is nice enough, but he’s the one who always gets really pink cheeks when he’s flustered or faced with awkward situations.

So you can imagine what the combination of Giana’s impending prison visit did to his complexion when compounded by having to soap up some Blue nibblies.

(I couldn’t say it.  I was dying to say it, but it was just too easy.  You fill in the blank….Blue ____s …and let the hilarity ensue.)

The more Giana thought about the last few years, and the more she scrubbed on those little blue things, the more she realized that some pieces of Renee’s Daddy stories weren’t making sense.

Renee had always explained to Giana that her father never came to see her when she was young, and yet Dad’s story was a completely different version.  He claimed that Renee kept him from seeing his daughter.  Hmmm.

Giana just shook her head, Blue shook off his suds, and they all went home to pack for their trip.

Meanwhile, now that Nora had finally sorted out the phonetic differences between Resume and Exhume, she met with a lawyer to figure out her next step in resuming the exhuming of her Dad’s body.

As Lawyer Man Michael nervously spun his pen between his hands like an Amish furniture maker turning a full set of table legs, Nora rambled on about Frank “The German’s” ORTopsy and what steps needed to be taken in order that she could finally have his body dug up and then tossed back into the ocean.

Hopefully there will be a cremation somewhere in between those two scenarios, because otherwise I can just see him floating back up on shore and we’d have to go through this all over again next season.

After Michael had spun his pen into a toothpick, he sent Nora on her way to meet with a Funeral Director.

Then he changed the locks on his office door.

Since we all know that Mob Wives need to eat, next it was time for some munchies.

Pia had been invited to meet up with Leah and Golden Girl Jacquie.  Pia had never met Leah’s Mom, and since her own Mom was a Survivor, Leah thought it would be good for the three of them to get together to hear Pia’s insights on how to deal with what they were facing.

The scene itself was pretty heartfelt, interspersed with just enough Leah (bleeps) to keep it from being a Lifetime Movie.

Wearing basically the same over-sized spherical earrings that Chinese people hammer gong right before they go to war or do a Dragon Dance, Leah introduced the two women and then just sat back and watched the show.  It turned out that Pia’s Mom and Leah’s Mom knew a lot of the same Mob people in the neighborhood from back in the day, so the whole lunch turned into what I can only imagine it sounds like when two crazy women hang out of their windows in Little Italy flashing gang signs.

“I was with the Goombalotto family.  My Mom was with the Giambalugas. OMG you know Tony Pepperoni, too?  And Tony Bologna?  And how sexy was he when he chewed gum?”

I need to watch that scene again it was so endearing.  Jacquie’s totally gonna beat this thing, because the world needs more women hanging out the window.  Capisce?

Since Pia did so much talking at lunch, she was still hungry so she and daughter Bella hit up the yogurt shop.

Now that Mom’s stripping days were almost behind her, they needed to figure out their next step.  Mom wanted to make sure that Bella knew she would be taken care of and they would be just fine, even if they had to cut corners for awhile.

Bella just wanted to know how they were gonna buy stuff.  Period.  From the mouths of babes.  Gotta love 15 year old kids.  Before you unstraddle that pole, you better make sure I still have cable in my bedroom.  Facebook doesn’t update itself, lady.

But the kids actually get all the props this week.  Both Bella and Giana proved that they are pretty wise beyond their years, and extremely level headed for being raised in what some would consider a less than stable environment.  There seemed to be some underlying hurt that was undeniable, but they both seemed to have their shizzle together, all things considered.

As Giana, Marco and his skinny jeans all headed to Terre Haute for some quality prison time, Leah and Christina took it in a lighter direction and went for some ice cream.

Beyond just reaping the calcium benefits of Fudge Ripple, Christina also needed to fill Leah in on something that had gone down between herself and Renee and Pia.  Turned out that the other night she had met up with the girls, and somewhere along the line Pia had dragged Christina out of the room just long enough for Renee to text Nora.

From Christina’s phone.  Oh.  Hell.  No.  She.  Din’t.

Before we go any further, it should be noted that Leah has THE best Oprah Face when it comes to listening to all this nonsense.  For realz.  She squints and tilts and leans like she’s talking to the freakin’ President every time one of the women barfs up their drama.

Love.  Her.

Anyway.

Even though Renee had brushed the whole thing off as a joke, Christina had begun to feel that Pia and Renee are somehow in cahoots as they say in ChiTown, and she wasn’t liking it.

She promised to stay cool when they all got together for Craft Night, much the same way I promised to stop bringing up the whole Pia and the Kia incident every week.

…and you know how well that worked out, as witnessed by some delightfully misspelled hate mail stuck sideways up my inbox.  Conjunction Junction, What’s Your Function?

Schoolhouse Rock.  Google it, kids.

So the only way to see if Christina would keep her promise was to get right to the arts & crafts.  Bring on the BeDazzling.

Nora didn’t show up to play because she didn’t trust Renee with a hot glue gun, but everyone else was there and…try to act surprised…before they even got the word “TEAM” stuck to the front of their tee shirts Renee popped her cork.

Christina felt violated by anyone touching her phone.  Renee thought it was a hoot.  Rinse & Repeat.  About 32 times.

The whole thing turned into another round of screaming and (bleeping) and accusing and yelling and basically not glueing anything to tee shirts.

Raise your BeDazzler if you didn’t see that one coming.  Anyone?

Finally, Leah Winfrey got up and slapped everyone back into Sweat Shop mode and the tee shirt assembly line was back in bidnezz.

The Daddy issues hung on right up until the very end as Nora met up with a second Funeral Director who reminded her that Frank had been in the ground for quite some time now, and might not be in perfect factory condition if they ever get approval to open the lid again.  That one didn’t really seem to register with Schweihs Spice, even though she vowed to be there for the unveiling even if she was too medicated to operate heavy machinery.

Yeah.  Until all the other family members sign on the dotted line, the jury is still out on this one.

Just remember Geraldo Rivera‘s face when they finally opened the Titanic safe.

Since maximum security prisons are not big on VH1 cameras in the commissary, we didn’t actually get to witness Giana’s reunion with her Dad.  We did get a quick glimpse of his mug shot, which kind of looked like he could have been the Dad of one of those One Direction dudes, and a quick recap of his murder rap.

Convicted murderer or not, he was still Giana’s Dad, and she loved him and missed him.

Tag.  You’re it.  I’m not even going near that one.

Giana cried.  And then cried some more.  She also began to believe her Dad’s side of the story and not what Renee had led her to believe her entire life.  It might be time to confront her Mom.

Yeah.  Renee.

That realization made Marco’s cheeks as pink as those BeDazzled tee shirts.

Get well soon, Jacquie.


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