Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Bring It! Finale: Divas And Tigerettes And Dolls…Oh My! It’s A Battle Royale Guaranteed To Make Your Tail Spin.

Saturday, May 3rd, 2014

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And Lawd, please. Just one weekend without a DDBaby spilling their juice box. I’m a dancer not a dry cleaner.

 

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Insert your own Tina Wig Joke Here:___. But make it totally awesome, because she’s awesome. My blog. My rules.

 

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Hell No. She cuts my baby and I’ll dance myself. I’m wearing a leotard and two pairs of Spanx right now.

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You know the hot Mom? Yeah. On the Crazy Scale she’s probably up here somewhere. But dang…she be fine.

 

 

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Shut. Up. Tina’s been wearing wigs all this time?

 

 

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Do your best, baby. And if you forget the moves, just blink and blind them with that nasty a** gold eyeshadow, ‘kay?

 

 

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I don’t even care who wins this damn thing now. We just got 2.3 Million Total Viewers! Suck on that, bitches…!

 

 

 

Whew.

That was close.

The day before the Bring It! Season Finale aired, Lifetime Television announced that 10 more episodes of this redoinkulously addictive show would be coming soon.

So it wasn’t really over for good.  Just over for a little while.

And that I can handle.

Otherwise, it wouldn’t have been pretty if I thought this was really the final…final…episode.  I’m already having some separation anxiety issues over leaving my crazy Pittsburgh Dance Moms behind for the Summer, so if I had to leave the DDPs on the side of the strip mall curb as well, I’m not sure what would have happened.

Especially since I’m nowhere near finished picking up on all the choreography.

That’s right.  You think the club can’t handle me now?  Just wait until I Tailspin some Robot Dog Walking on the parquet next time I hit up the Ramada for Happy Hour.

Yeah.  You should be scared.

This week was the Big One.  The Battle Royale.

Royal.  But with an ‘E’ at the end.  So you know they meant business.

Headed back to Memphis (…say it with me: “Again”…) for the Ultimate Hip Hop Cage Fight, Dianna Williams and her Team would be coming face to face with all their fiercest competitors from the past season, so they were already hard at work as soon as the credits stopped rolling.

The Dolls would be going up against the Ladies of Excellence, the Divas of Olive Branch, the Prancing Tigerettes and the Girls Who Always Seem To Leave The House With Lipstick On Their Teeth for the biggest prize in the biggest showdown the South had ever seen.

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The judges for the event were all going to be professionals in the industry, so being seen at the competition could be a great stepping stone towards a career in dance or the performing arts.  Dianna was excited.  The girls were excited.  And the Moms were wound tighter than Rittany‘s new braids.

Rittany.  Love.  Her.  She didn’t have her braids screwed in the entire time, but when she did I could totally picture her at closing time running through Target in slow motion like Bo Derek on the beach.

Really.  Don’t even try to figure out the sidewalk situation.  Just enjoy it.

The hair and the outfits keep changing so often that I don’t even know what day or season it is anymore.  And after all these years of still trying to figure out how to open my Excel program, making a spreadsheet isn’t gonna happen.

One minute Human Spy Satellite Mimi is wearing her white DDP dental exam jacket and the next minute she’s bundled up like she’s going ice fishing at Disneyland.

Mimi.  Love.  Her.  The way she flails her arms around in that puffy jacket like a kid at recess, I hope she’s got mitten clips attached to that thing or she’s going to end up with a drawer full of left handed knitwear by Spring.  And can we all just agree right now that nobody can rock two big balls on their head like our girl, Mimi?  Nobody.

After a week of going kinda sorta au naturale, Tina and her blindingly neon wig were back with a vengeance and I couldn’t have been happier.

You know I love me a good hairpiece.  Especially when it’s the same color as sour gummy worms and can be quickly removed during a fight.

Removed…Snatched.  Potatoe…Potahhhtoe.

Tina.  Love.  Her.  If her weave is even half as bright as her kid’s future, then you know Kayla is destined for greatness.  Mama raised a good one there.

And then there was Seloncé.

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Srsly.  That bitch is so crazy that I just want to marry her, move to CrazyTown and have 20 crazy babies.  Love.  Her.  Especially when (…Spoiler Alert!…) she loses her marbles and gets her freak on.  Stay tuned.

Back inside, Dianna was working on the Secret Weapon for this week’s competition:

The Baby Dolls!

Yaaaaas, hunty!  The Dancing Dolls…once again in Toddler sizes and back for even more Teletubby Twerking.

These little nuggets are da bomb.  So.  Cute.  Dot.  Com.

This time around the Baby Dolls would all be wearing fuzzy little petting zoo tails safety pinned to their Baby Booties as they crawled out from under the Big Girls in a new stand aptly entitled Tailspin.  Just watching them rehearse it one time almost put me into a diabetic coma they were so sweet.

After weeks of hard work, smiley Sunjai finally made Stand Cuts and pretty much broke through the plate glass window on her way outside to tell Mom Seloncé the news.

Can you say ‘Halleloo?’  Seloncé danced down the sidewalk with Sunjai and then dropped to her knees like it was Sunday Service and then got back up and danced some more.  Maybe it was just me, but she seemed fairly excited that her daughter had finally made it to the finish line.

It should also be noted that right here was when somebody decided to run a commercial for Wendy’s.  F’realz.  I literally watched the entire thing before I realized that it wasn’t Tina and her Pippi Longstocking wig who were flipping the burgers.  The irony of the situation was not lost on me, even though I did momentarily wonder why the Moms were all having a cookout on the sidewalk in the middle of Winter.

I don’t know who planned that one, but they need a raise right now.

With time running out before the competition, Mimi still had to scoot Camryn out for an audition at a local performing arts school.

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Cammie wants to make this whole bidnezz her career, so they all headed over to APAC (…sumthin ‘Performing Arts‘ sumthin I imagine…) where she got her Kids From Fame on in front of the judges.

Mimi’s kid is a patootie, so I hope it all goes well.  They probably won’t let her wear that gigantic red gift wrap bow on her head while she’s there, but I’m sure she’ll adjust to the environment if she gets accepted into the program.  Fingers are crossed.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And old home week!

I’m not even going to mention the shower caps again, because clearly some readers didn’t pick up on the hilarity last time.  Obviously I know the difference between a shower cap and a sleeping cap.  And a baseball cap and a bottle cap.

And even a night cap, thank you.  Der.

Nothing else on my site makes any sense.  Why would comments about wearing shower caps on a tour bus be any different?  Girl, bye.

All your favorite coaches and teams walked up the plank and into the ship like it was some kind of hip hop Love Boat.

There was Quincy and the Tigerettes.  The girls were all hyper and our boy still had his Verizon hands-free plug stuck in his ear.  I’m starting to wonder if he can even get it out to change the batteries.  He either had the very beginnings of a faux hawk or some funky hat head going on up there.  And a pretty fly bow tie.

Neva and the Divas (…I just rhymed the name of the next great Girl Group without even realizing it…) also entered the building like rockstars.  A couple week ago, Neva was the one who had whipped her hair all around the room like the drunk one on Moms Night Out.  The Divas were the Team who had flashed their hoo has to everyone in the cheap seats at a previous competition.  I’m sure you remember all that VaJaJay goodness.

And bringing up the rear was Brittany and the Ladies of Excellence.  We never really saw too much of them this season.  Brittany was the coach who’s eyes were always red and watery every time she was on camera.  She either needs new swimming goggles or a better filter for her bedroom air conditioner.  Not having the car vents blow directly into your face would probably help, too.

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Or maybe Brittany had just stared directly into the metallic gold eyeshadow that the Divas were wearing when they arrived.  What the What was that all about?

Clearly, Neva loves her SyFy Channel fashions.  More (…dilithium crystal…) power to her, I say.  But that shadow?  Really?  Step away from the gold leafing and nobody gets hurt.

Backstage, Dianna ran the Stand Battle one more time.  Better safe than sorry, right?

The short version:  Sunjai got cut minutes before the performance.

The long version:  Seloncé found out Sunjai got cut minutes before the performance, blew a nutty and stormed off in search of Dianna.  Her ex JJ was definitely Home Boy Stylin’ in his camouflage ensemble, but totally useless when it came to stopping his Baby Mama as she tore up the staircase like that scene in Rocky.

If Sylvester Stallone had been wearing skin tight white jeans and a dual-toned weave and waving his arms above his head like Oprah Winfrey did when Obama got elected, I mean.  Then it would have been exactly like that scene in Rocky.

Needless to say, ain’t nobody got time for dat.  Dianna shoved Seloncé right back out the door and into the hallway, where Mimi came to her rescue with an inhaler and some supportive Girl Talk.

Mimi had her hair all pinned and curled up like those women do at Walmart when they go early to beat the crowds.  But she also had the same earring that Janet Jackson wore one time on Good Morning America so she scored extra points and made up for not wearing her shower cap in public like she’s supposed to.

Finally, it was really Showtime.

The judges filed onto the stage.  The crowd went nuts and I realized that I either have never watched Hit The Floor or it’s not offered as part of my cable package.

Memo to self:  Google the judges.

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First Round:  Divas vs. Ladies.  Say buy bye, Ladies.

Second Round:  Dolls and Baby Dolls vs. Tigerettes.

It wasn’t Quincy’s day.  Plus…Baby Dolls rule.  I think there were even a few extra points given just for the spaz that Mimi, Rittany, Tina and Seloncé were throwing out in the audience.  Seriously.  Where were these chicks when I was singing in chorus?  Damn.

Which meant that the Dancing Dolls and the Divas of Olive Branch were in the Finals!

And then it was on.

Clearly, the Divas had been practicing.  And they pretty much kept all the leg spreading to one routine done on those self-stacking hotel banquet chairs.  But it was a classy one that didn’t offend an easily offended judge, I guess.  At least that’s what she said.

The only part that offended me was that now every time I go to a wedding I’m going to wonder what kind of action my chair has seen.

But the Dolls were killing it, too.

One judge even said they were Swaggy, so take that Justin Bieber.

Throughout the entire round, Neva was either filming the showdown or taking selfies.  It was hard to tell at the angle she was holding her iPhone.  Hope the flash didn’t reflect off her Starfleet Commander epaulets.

When the Final Round Stand Battle was over, it took the judges For.  Ev.  Er . to announce the winner.

Drumroll…

The Divas of Olive Branch.

Wait.  What?

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Neva and the Divas went ca-razy and then left to cut their first demo record.

It was a devastating blow for the Dolls.  And for me.  I think I cried more than little Camryn did.  I just didn’t look as cute doing it, trust me.

Backstage, Dianna once again turned a loss into a teaching moment.

Probably her best one yet.

Sometimes you win even when you don’t.

The judges dropped by to give a pep talk and commended Miss D on the amazingly talented group of girls she had on her Team.

Duh.  We already knew that, people. What else you got?

Don’t get me wrong.  Winning is better than losing.  Waaaaay better.  But Dianna loves the girls like family.  To the Moon and back.  And she’s just going to keep driving them to be better and better.

Because that’s how Champions do, mmmkay?

Then it was off to the showers.  With real shower caps, thank you.  Game Over.

For now.

If I were you, I’d fix that nasty weave and get ready for next season.

Cuz it’s gonna be off the hook.

Don’t cry, baby.  They’ll be back soon.

DD4L.

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Bring It!: Locked In And Turnt Up. It’s The Dolls Vs. The Dollz In A Memphis Bucking Burlesque Showdown.

Saturday, April 26th, 2014

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All the crazy ladies. Put your hands up.

 

 

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She’s totally two gurlz short of a Destiny’s Child Reunion, but dang that bitch is fine.

 

 

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Somedays I just wanna lock ALL the crazy ones in the building and go buy stuff at the mall.

 

 

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This is the most ratchet Disneyland vacation evah. They’re even gettin’ cheap with the hats.

 

 

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I dunno whether Miss D said to put some stank on it or some steak on it. But I like ’em both.

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Dat’s rite. Whip that around. Mama like.

 

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Memphis just lucky I didn’t wanna mess up my new hair or it woulda been Black Friday at Walmart.

 

 

 

Srsly.

If you don’t love Bring It! I’m not sure we can be friends anymore.

I mean, c’mon.

Sure, it’s crazy.  Everything about it is.  But it’s the good kind.

From the Moms (…and Dads!…) to their whacky hair and whacky fashion choices to the even whackier way they talk and scream and giggle all over the sidewalks of Jackson.

Cray.  Zee. To the umpteenth power of Cray.

But deep down there is still a strong message about working hard and loving your family and supporting your kids in whatever dream they dare to dream.  There’s even a ton of hip hop dancing that is waaay harder than anything I’ve ever busted out at the clubs.

(Not that I couldn’t, of course.  I just hate showing off…)

Heck, I’m even learning how to paint toxic glitter swirlies directly onto my own eyeballs without going legally blind.  It’s not as easy as it looks.

So, yeah.  Bring It!  We like it.

This week, the Dancing Dolls were headed back to Memphis, Tennessee.  Again.

Since I pride myself on only blogging about subjects that I know absolutely nothing about, I have no idea why they keep going back to Memphis.  They just do.

And now they’re going again.

After having lost out to the Purple Diamonds at the most recent competition, it was important to Coach Dianna Williams that everyone hit the ground running.

That meant bigger Stands, more elaborate choreography and working through the trauma of having just witnessed your rivals spank their own jiggly purple bodonkadonks in a show of both poor sportsmanship and clear love for fast food.

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‘Member dat?  Dat s*** nasty.  The Purple Diamonds turned and spanked themselves all up in the Dolls’ faces as they snatched the trophy.  I’m having trouble getting that visual out of my brain when I go to bed every night and I only saw their junk on a TV screen.

I call it PDPTSD.  When you figure it out, it’s inappropriately hilarious.

This week the Dolls would be competing at the Bucking Burlesque (…with a ‘B‘…) Competition and be facing off against the Dancing Cloverleafs, the Prancing Tigerettes, the Rockettes (…probably not the New York ones…) the Sparkling Jewels, the Dynamic Diamond Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘ like Liza…) and the Girls Who Would OMG Literally Die If They Ever Met One Direction.

The Dolls would be performing in the Stand Battle and Burlesque categories, which would put them head to head against their other closest rivals the Diamond Dollz.

Miss D was concerned about over-sexualizing the Burlesque routine.  The Dolls are all still just school age girls, remember, so we’d like to keep it that way a little longer.

Honestly, after six seasons of Toddlers & Tiaras nothing really phases me anymore, but I totally get where she was going with it.  Once you’ve seen a 3 year old booty pop to a Shirley Temple song it takes a lot to make me look up from my snack tray.

As the Dolls got to rehearsing inside, the Mamas were all outside doing what they do best.

Seloncé got the party started by declaring that the Team needed to win this weekend because they didn’t need any more ‘looses’…as opposed to ‘losses’…which has more ‘Ss’ and less ‘Os’ in the word.

Oh, Selena.  You just stay cute.

Right about now was when the Mamas lost their marbles.

It’s Rittany Bitch, who was balancing about 3 feet of new braids on top of her head, almost untied them all she was laughing so hard.  My girl Tina actually did knock her wig off, because she was standing their in kinda sorta her own hair for the first time ever.

Except that a few weeks ago, if you’ll recall, when she snatched her own weave during some drama with Seloncé she only had fuzzy Kool-Aid hair up under there.  And now it was long.  Still as neon red as that Play-Doh you’re not supposed to put in your mouth.

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But really long now.

So I’m thinking…you know.

And then there was Mimi.  Everyone’s favorite Neighborhood Watch-er was bouncing around like a tennis ball in a dryer, which made these two gigantic pom poms on her knit hat wobble back and forth like she was Mickey Mouse having some kind of a stroke.

I’m not really sure if the hat was supposed to look like a bootleg Disney gift shop item, or if it was the Real Deal, or if Mimi even knew there were two pom poms boinking around on her head.

But it didn’t matter.  Love her.  Love them all.  Don’t make me choose.  That would be like picking one of my kids.

Back inside, the Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) were still working on the Burlesque choreography.  It was new.  And different.  And required about 72 girls all on the floor at the same time, so needless to say a few of them were having some fender benders in all that traffic.

When they finally made the switch to rehearsing the new Stand specifically created for the Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) it was getting late and it just wasn’t happening.

Lock-In!!!

Wait.  What?  It’s like a sleepover.  If they have sleepovers in Hell, that is.

Dianna announced that the Team was being locked inside the Dollhouse for the night and would rehearse until paramedics discovered their bodies in the morning if that’s how long it took to nail down these routines.

Bitch was getting Krunk.

The Mamas took the Lock-In news fairly well, except for Mimi.  Aw.  Hell.  Naw.  Her Mickey ears were flapping so hard that the International Space Station probably picked it up as code for some kind of international disturbance.

Gurrrrrl, pleez.  Chillax.

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The Moms were sent home to retrieve sleeping bags and shower caps, so naturally Seloncé returned with enough shizz to get Sunjai through her Freshman year at college.  The 45 pound Poland Springs water jug was a nice touch and would certainly have come in handy during the Lock-In if Sunjai had remembered to pack a 100 pound office water cooler base unit and industrial extension cord in her dance bag that morning.

Really, Seloncé?  Lawd.  Or Lort.  You choose.

Not to be outdone, Rittany showed up with one of those ribbed inflatable air mattress/pool floaty things that always remind me of giant Oscar Mayer wiener packages.

After every Mama emptied out their daughter’s bedroom and shoved it through the door of the Dollhouse, the girls went back to practicing until they couldn’t practice anymore.  Then it was time to hit the wieners and call it a night.

The next morning we got to see what happens to your hair when you sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor of a dance studio all night.

But it’s all good. Trust me, I’m not taking selfies when I wake up on the floor either.

At least that one girl brushed her teeth, right?

(Relax.  That’s a joke.  They all did.  It’s only a one hour show.  You do the math.)

 With only one day before competition, the Stand cuts took place and poor Sunjai got cut.

Again.

But she was Coolio wid it and even stayed with the Team to continue learning the moves on her own.  Dianna was really impressed that Sunjai stuck around, even though there was clearly no way for her to get out anyway since the doors were still locked.

Outside, the Mamas returned to check up on progress after the Lock-In.

Their girls were looking good.  And so was Seloncé, who took full advantage of the Dance Factory‘s free overnight babysitting service and spent the entire Sunjai-free day whipping herself into a Day Spa frenzy.

Facial:  Check!  Mani:  Check!  Pedi:  Check!  You Just Stay Cute:  Check!

Finally, it was Showtime.

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Two shows, actually, if you count Selonceé in her full-on Salute to Burlesque ensemble.  Mama was representing her baby girl by working a pair of long black All That Jazz gloves, a flower in hair and a bustier that kept popping open.

John Connor, Coach for the Dynamic Diamond Dollz, arrived in his white polo and khakis, looking exactly like one of the sales guys who works at whatever store it is where they all wear white polos and khakis.  I forget.

I know it’s not Target, because they have red polos.  And Best Buy has blue polos.  And a place up in Maine has yellow ones with a lobster wearing a raincoat on it.

Whatever.  He looked like he works at the White Polo Store.

Jamar, the Host of this shindig, was another Boyz II Men look-a-like who held out the last syllable of every team like the guy used to do on Toddlers & Tiaras.

In our Burlesque Outfit of Choice:  The Dancing Doooollllllllllls and MaKenzzzziiiiiiieeeee.

(That’s two T&T flashbacks, if you’re keeping track.)

The Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) hit the floor first for Burlesque.  There were only five of them dancing around and one was holding a Ben and Jerry‘s ice cream cone that later turned out to just be a toy microphone.  I guess she was channeling Christina Aguilera or something.  It was screwy.

By the time all 72 Dolls (…with an ‘S‘…) stormed the spotlight, nobody even remembered the other routine.  They killed it.  There was even a part where they were all on the floor in a circle and then one by one they all rolled and whipped their hair like synchronized swimmers would do if their pool caps popped off during a Vegas casino show.

It was Miss D’s favorite part and it kind of made her get all jiggly like you do when the steakhouse waitress brings over your meal and tells you that they upgraded it to a better cut of beef for free because they dropped your first order on the kitchen floor.

The Stand Battle is where it got Buck(ing) Wild.

The Dynamic Diamond Dollz came out with a handful of those generic Barbies they sell at the Dollar Store and proceeded to pop off all the heads like they were killing real the real Dolls.  One by one by one by one.

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Except that, according to their track jackets, they’re also real Dollz themselves.  Just with a different last letter on the embroidery.  So it didn’t really make much sense if you thought about it for too long.

The second Dynamic Diamond Dollz Stand was equally as much of a head scratcher.  Or more of an eye scratcher and hair puller, if you really want to get technical.

They do like their props.  And this time it was some kind of a staged girl fight where they all ended up dancing with straggly pieces of weaves and clumps of white fabric that looked like diapers all over the floor.  Not sure what that was all about.

But whatever it was, it must have inspired some dude in the audience, because all of the sudden a real fight broke out.

I swear.  I never left the room.  I never changed channels.  I was looking directly at my television.  But I still have no idea what happened.

Or how it happened.  Or who started it.  Or what it was about.

Or why that one Dollz (…with a ‘Z‘…) chick in the blue pants just stood there with her back to all the dramzzz (…with 3 ‘Zs‘…) the entire time.

F’realz.  She never moved.  Go check your DVR.  Even when Tina and Dianna and Mimi all pressed themselves together like a sandwich and got their freak on, this little chick was just standing their like she was waiting for the 39 bus.

Needless to say, Jamar called off the event and sent everyone home.

It was bad for the Dolls.  But probably worse for the Tennessee Department of Tourism, because I swear every time someone goes to Memphis they get rolled in a parking lot.

I’ll pass, thank you.

Kayla rose to the occasion and corralled all the Dolls into a back room to catch their breath.  Kayla to the rescue.

As always, Dianna turned yet another mess in Memphis into a Teaching Moment about facing adversity and accepting challenges.  Her girls are better than this.  Way better.

Locked-In or Turnt Up.

They’re the Dancing Dolls.

DD4L.

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Bring It!: We Got Baby Daddies In The Dollhouse And Sunjai In Stilettos. It’s A Michael Jackson Memphis Thriller!

Saturday, April 5th, 2014

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They wanna know why he’s always wearing that Sprint earpiece even when there’s no damn cell service inna gym.

 

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We show up. We win. That’s pretty much how we do, mmmkay?

 

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Daddy gotta work again this weekend. Those crazy a** red wigs ain’t gonna pay for themselves.

 

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You know Imma standing right here and can totally hear everything you say, right? Srsly, Boo.

 

 

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Dang, Boyeeee. She just played you like a refurbed Xbox 360.

 

 

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Baby, it don’t matter there’s no lenses in these glasses when you look like a hot Librarian Beyoncé.

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Lawd, dat gurl. Next thing you know she’ll be walking in with a giant bag of Payless shoes.

 

 

 

Seriously.

How much do we love this show?

I mean Love.  This.  Show.

And I’m not even talking about the positive role modeling or messages of high self esteem and confidence that Dianna Williams instills in all her Dolls on a daily basis.

That’s like a given.  And it’s beyond awesome.

I’m talking about how much bucking fun the whole thing is every episode.

And this week was no exception as Bring It! brought it once again.

Whether you like your TV Old Skool or New Skool, there was a little sumthin sumthin for everyone this time around as the Dancing Dolls got ready to hit Memphis for another face off with their arch rivals the Prancing Tigerettes.  Crossing state lines into Enemy Territory, the girls would need to pull out all the big guns if they wanted to bring home another trophy, which meant that both the moves and the Moms needed to be on point this week.

Starting with Seloncé, who was outside the Dollhouse getting a quick little swat on the nose from baby girl Sunjai.

After bringing her Why You Keep Cutting My Baby Tour right into the Dollhouse last week, Seloncé had been banned from their most recent competition.  To prevent history from repeating itself, Sunjai wanted to make certain that her Mom and all her vicarious Mama Drama remained outside the building, which was pretty much like telling a brand new puppy to sit and then hearing it follow you into the next room as soon as you turn around.

Mama loves her baby and only wants the best for her.  She just wants it yesterday.

Inside the Krunk Kompound, Dianna was laying out the 411 on the upcoming Memphis competition and it sounded like it was gonna be killer.  Or Thriller.  Or both.

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Hosted by the Dynamic Diamond Dolls, the event would include performances from the aforementioned Prancing Tigerettes, the Divas of Olive Branch and the Girls Who Can Put On A Full Face Of Makeup While Driving Stickshift During Rush Hour.

The Dolls would be presenting two routines.  A Stand Battle against the Tigerettes and a Michael Jackson inspired theme dance.  Fun, right?  Michael Jackson.  MJ.

Fun, that is, until I realized that most of the girls probably had to Google ‘Michael Jackson’ when they got home.  Then I just felt old.  Then I really did the math and after realizing that none of them had ever seen, much less owned, an actual vinyl copy of Off The Wall I decided to just pause the show to go outside and lay in traffic for awhile.

Speaking of outside.  The Moms were all snooping in the windows and goofing around the sidewalk in their snuggly winter gear as Dianna began rehearsals.

Seloncé was rocking some exceptionally skin tight leggings and vowing to take Sunjai’s place on the team if her baby didn’t get her shiz together soon.  Mama wants it bad.

For the 5th week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That’s The Same Color As The Costumes In Pixar’s The Incredibles went to my girl Tina.

Full disclosure:  I went out last week to one of those strip mall Beauty Supply places and bought myself a hot a** weave just so I could snatch it off my own hot a** head whenever Tina comes on screen.  I should probably also point out that so far I’ve saved up almost $37 in bail money for when I go clubbing with these hot a** Moms.  Hit me up, Bitches.

Love. Dot Com.

Especially Tina in that Alexis Carrington chinchilla hat.  It was freakin’ Dynasty Night at The Apollo, I tell you.  She can do no wrong.

On a side note, it was nice to learn that synthetic weaves keep your ears warm.  I had no idea.  Good to know when Cher and I go skiing in Aspen next winter.

There was also a little boy in a Where’s Waldo beanie and puffy red jacket jumping around like he really had to go the bathroom in the middle of recess.  No lie, it was probably 25 minutes into the show before I realized that it was just Mimi in a marshmallow parka.

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She so cray.

Back inside, the girls were rocking out to their routines and they were pretty intricate.

The MJ theme alone consisted of FOUR parts:  A chair dance, some Way You Make Me Feel moves in heels, a jazzy bit of boogie and the climactic fight scene.  Cuz You Know I’m Bad.  I’m Bad.  You Know It.

Congrats to Sunjai who scored the front spot in the stiletto portion of the routine!!!!  After the last few weeks, it was good to see our girl regaining some of her confidence and working hard for that front row.  Since me and my slippery dress shoes could barely make it across the dance floor at my prom, I gotta give mad props to anyone who can do an air split into a face plant in Jimmy Choos.

And then JJ showed up again.  Sunjai’s Baby Daddy.  Back for another visit channeling even more Cliff Huxtable and Fred Sanford than last week, if that’s possible.

His Dance-Off with Seloncé pretty much gave me life.  I can’t even do it justice.

With Tina and Waldo singing ‘Get It Get It Get It’ riffs like those beat boxers who perform in clown pants on the Boardwalk all summer, JJ and Seloncé showed us all once and for all in a Solid Gold vs. Soul Train kinda throw down where Sunjai really got all her moves.

Needless to say, JJ won.  Because the ladies love JJ.  Dude could run in a circle with sharp scissors and still snag the prize.  Pimpin’ ain’t easy.  You heard it here first.

Hold up.  Where’s Rittany, Bitch?  Whaddupwiddat?  Where’d she go?

As everyone scooted home for the night, Tina Carrington and Kayla had a quick heart to heart next to the car about why Kayla’s Daddy hardly ever goes to any of the competitions.  Terrell (…yup, real name…) loves and supports his daughter 400%, but he doesn’t really get into the whole Dance Thang like the other Daddies do.

It was kinda sad to see Kayla’s face get all pouty, but after remembering what happened the last time Seloncé told Tina to ‘Check Yo’ Man’ I decided that it would probably be in everyone’s best interest to not offer up any opinions or suggestions at this time.

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Daddy loves her.  That’s the most important part.  We’ll work on the rest later, mmmkay?

As a special congratulatory treat for making it into the front row, Seloncé took Sunjai to the day spa for some Mother/Daughter pedi action.  Gotta smooth those things down before you cram ’em into the Louboutins.  E’rrybody knows dat.

Aside from a few meltdowns in the Dollhouse and cheering on the Team in various gymnasiums, this was pretty much the first time that the world had gotten a good look at Seloncé’s hair under fluorescent lighting.

Let’s be honest.  As I’ve noted previously…as little as I know about the elite world of hip hop majorettes, I know even less about how a sistah does her hair.  I don’t know how you get it to look like that.  I don’t know if it started out that way.  I don’t even know what part she bought and what part God gave her.  All I know is that Seloncé is a riot and she was working those nerd glasses like that waitress at Lisa Vanderpump‘s Sur restaurant.

Somewhere between the initial soaking of the toes and the second coat of polish we learned that Seloncé had given birth to her first child when she was only 14 years old, which was pretty much the exact opposite of what I was doing when I was 14 years old.

It only takes one time, kids.  One time.  She was clear on that point.  Just like it only took one time for the gamma radiation to turn Bruce Banner into the Incredible Hulk.

Which basically just showed you where my priorities were while Seloncé was busy popping out babies in junior high.  Trust me.  Maturity is overrated.

With only one night to go before the competition, Dianna and the girls were also busy popping out some new things for the Stand Battle.  I don’t know which I like best.  The actual moves.  Or the backstory that Miss D always throws into the mix.

Why you running yo’ mouth?  Pop Pop Your Butt.  Hip Hop Robot.

Then it was time to head home and hit the sack so everyone could rest up and be extra Fierce for the Big Game.  Before the girls headed to Memphis, though, Tina and Kayla wanted to give it one last shot with Terrell.

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Dat’s rite.  Over at Kasa Kayla we finally met Daddy Terrell.

Side note:  I don’t know if Tina matches all her home furnishings to her hair or her hair to all her home furnishings.  Not a clue.  Doesn’t even matter.  All that matters is that it happened and it was awesome.

Everything matched.  Perfectly.  You could literally drop one of her hot a** weaves on the couch and be sitting on it for days and never know.  I’ll bet you anything that more than once my girl has left the house with a red pillow on her head.

Love.  Dot Com.

Unfortunately, Terrell had to work and couldn’t go to Memphis.  Maybe the next one.

Finally, it was Showtime!

And Quincy from the Prancing Tigerettes time!  And Neva from the Divas of Olive Branch time!  Who I swear both sleep with their hands-free ear plugs in their heads.

JJ was there, too.  And Calvin.  Mimi’s husband and Camryn‘s Daddy.  There were literally Baby Daddies coming out of the woodwork this week.  It made the girls all really happy, but made Kayla a little bummed.  Next time, baby doll.

And then Seloncé showed up with a giant bag full of stilettos in support of Sunjai’s role in the MJ routine.  Because apparently handing out buttons with your kid’s face on it is soooo last year.  Now it’s all about the footwear, I guess.

I wasn’t really clear on whether we were supposed to wear the shoes, wave them in the air or just throw them directly at the Prancing Tigerettes eyes when they came around the corner.  Mimi’s funny faces totally distracted me from hearing any of the rules.

But regardless,  it was a true Oprah Moment.

You get a pair of shoes!  You get a pair of shoes!  Everyone gets a pair of shoes!

ss

After a last minute pre-show costume panic, the Dolls hit the floor and it was so good it was redoink.  Every piece of the Michael Jackson routine was mad dope insane.

Sunjai did moves on heels that defied gravity.  I don’t want to see the x-rays on those ankles.  Yeeouch.  She was on fiyah.

The fight scene at the end was like a school yard youtube brawl, except that everyone was dancing instead of dragging chicks around the playground by their hair.  Even the Memphis crowd stood up and screamed and clapped for about ten minutes before they realized they were cheering on the wrong team.

The Stand Battle between the Dolls and the Tigerettes looked like a clear win for Dianna until the last judge couldn’t make up his mind and called for one last Death Match battle between Captains and Co-Captains.

Dianna was all like WTF? and Kayla was all like Let’s Just Do This And Win and one Tigerette Captain was all like Lemme Just Do My Own Dance Over Here Don’t Mind Me.

Not sure what that was all about.  But the Dolls won it all in the end.  MJ and the Stand.

In yo’ face.

And can we talk about how crazy Tina gets during these routines?  Lawd.  Drop an electric toaster into the tub while someone is taking a bubble bath.  That’s how they would act.

In.  Sane.  Dot Com.

All the Baby Daddies were so proud.  All the Daddy Babies were so proud.  Except Kayla, who seemed a little sad and made me want to friend her on Facebook or something.  I hope Terrell gets someone to cover his shift next time so he can be there to show Kayla how much he loves her.

And then it was over for another week.  The Dolls wiped the floor with the competition.

Again.

Time to hit the road.

JJ.  Seloncé.  Dance us out, will ya?

DD4L.

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