Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Bring It!: The Baby Dolls And Daddy JJ Show Everyone How It’s Done When The Tigerettes Return For Round 2.

Saturday, March 29th, 2014

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What What? You see what time it is? It’s called Nap Time. So where’s my damn juice box, woman?

 

 

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You can cry all you want, but we’re still listening to Beyoncé again cuz she’s the freakin’ Queen Bey.

 

 

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And dat’s why a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy’s gotta do. Because Mama is Kray-Zee.

 

 

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Not gon’ lie. I could nibble off a little piece of that JJ right now and still have room for dessert.

 

 

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Buck, yeah, Gurl.

 

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Bitch, do I look like a nibbler? I want the whole burger with a big side of JJ fries. Dang, he is so fine.

 

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The hellz that on her head? I don’t even have that color in my Crayola 64 box.

 

 

 

The wait is over.  

DD4L is finally available in Toddler sizes.

But no need to run all over town looking for the perfect fit, because Bring It! was back this week with the full size range of Dancing Dolls.  Everything from Babies to Big Gurlz.

And trust me…”Baby” don’t mean Baby, if you know what I mean.

It means Cute.  Freaking cute.  Straight up Slap yo’ Mama Cute.  With attitude.

Surprise.  Turns out that Dianna Williams has been down at the Dollhouse coaching not one…but two…hip hop majorette teams all this time.  Who knew?

The Dancing Dolls and The Baby Dancing Dolls.  DDs and BDDs.

Not to be confused with the DDPs, the DD4L cheer or the (…Spoiler Alert: JJ…) soon to be announced DDDs.  Would have been nice if Lifetime had told us in advance that we needed to purchase Flash Gordon decoder rings in order to play along.

After posting losses two weeks in a row, Miss D and the Teams were hunkered down inside the Funk Fort prepping for a battle on their home turf.

This week it was The River City Rumble, where they would once again be going up against their arch enemies the Prancing Tigerettes.  And losing was not an option.

Which meant that it was time to pull out all the stops and unveil the Secret Weapon.

Activate The Baby Doll Brigade.

Never before in the entire history of the entire World had a Baby Team ever gone up against a Big Girl Team in competition.  But Dianna needed her own Big Girls to focus all their energies on choreographing some fresh new Tigerette bitch slaps, so to alleviate the pressure she was sending the Tiny Tots into battle.  They would be scooting out onto the floor for the Field Show and going head to head against teams twice their age.

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And twice their size.  But don’t you worry ’bout them, mmmkay?  They got dis.

These Baby Dolls were complete cutie patootie niblets.  Every stinkin’ one of them.

Especially this one little nugget who was all poofy hair and OhHellNo as she watched the Big Dolls bust out a few 8 counts.  And this other mini squirt who I swear was still in a onesie, who had those dangly beaded hair braid things that probably click against the side of her car seat every time Mama hits that speed bump in front of Target.

When she fell backwards watching the Big Dolls, I just ’bout joined her on the floor.

They were all cute.  And sassy.  So sassy.  Baby don’t got Back yet, but Baby got baby teeth and dance moves for days, which they proved when they took over the floor and showed the Big Girls how it’s done on the playground.

After twerkin’ out to some Yo Gabba Gabba, the Baby Dolls got sleepy and were sent home.  I would have needed a binky after all that bucking, too.

Once the Baby Dolls were home chilling with their sippy cups, the Big Dolls got to sitting and talking about last week’s loss and what needed to be done to guarantee they brought home First Place this time around.  Just the usual Monday Morning quarterbacking until one girl casually mentioned that maybe the team could have done better at the Stand Battle.  Which meant that she just kinda sorta dissed Kayla‘s lead as Captain during the aforementioned Stand Battle.

Which meant that she just kinda sorta dissed Kayla.  OhNoSheDin’t.

Ooooh, girl.  You better stand up.  And then just have a seat, please.  Bloop.

You thought that was cold?  Try outside on the sidewalk, where all the Moms were literally chilling in their winter beanies, trying to sneak a peek through the windows.

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I’m no meteorologist, but they must have had a major storm front move in overnight, because they weren’t all bundled up like that last week.  Not even close.  But now they were all wrapped up like some kind of Gap Holiday commercial blooper reel, bumping into each other and getting loud in their knit gloves and ski caps.

Hilariously crazy as always.  Now also comfortably protected against the elements.

Except for maybe Seloncé and It’s Rittany Bitch, who were both wearing those pleather jackets that always seem to be in the window at Rainbow.  Those didn’t look very warm.

I would imagine that constantly picking on each other every waking moment must raise their body temperatures a few notches, though, so they were probably ok.

For the fourth week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig Bright Enough To Flag Down Rescue Helicopters If You Ever Get Shipwrecked On A Deserted Island went to my girl Tina.  She can do no wrong.  End of story.

Neighborhood Look-Out Mimi was exceptionally well padded in her winter gear as well.  I wasn’t sure if that was done to keep her toasty or as protection for that inevitable day when someone finally knocks her down on the pavement as payback for all the years that she has spent stirring things up at the Dollhouse.

She tight wid Miss D.  She tight.

If I didn’t love her already I would now, just because of all those crazy Warner Brothers cartoon faces she makes during her interview shots.

Back inside, Dianna was running the girls through some new moves.  And there’s really nothing better than Miss D cracking necks during a Tigerette Mime and showing all us living room dancers how to snap it high, pop it low, come at me bro and then walk away all MmmHmmIJustToldYouBitchInTheMiddleOfMyLivingRoomInMyBoxerShorts.

My neighbors below me must wonder what all the racket is upstairs and why they keep hearing somebody bumping into furniture every Wednesday night.

MmmHmmIJustToldYouCoffeeTable.  That’s gonna leave a mark.  Bitch.

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The next day it was down to the wire as Miss D worked it out with the Baby Dolls one last time.  I just can’t with all the cuteness.

Not to mention the bedtime story that went along with their song.

What time is it?  Where you been?  I been waiting on you.  Dat’s rite.  Pee Wee Pop Pop.

I think it’s pretty safe to say that when these little peanuts grow up, their men will never be showing up late for dinner.  Hell Naw.

Then they got sleepy again and had to go home for the night.

It gave me a warm fuzzy when Dianna reminded them all to put on their shoes and jackets before leaving, because it proved once again how much Miss D loves these kids.  It also proved she’s smart enough to know that a 6 year old will run outside and face plant directly into a snowbank in their underoos unless you remind them that their ski pants are hanging right in front of their face.

As the evening wound down, it was time for cuts.  And it wasn’t pretty.  Inside or Out.

Inside, Sunjai got cut from the Stand Battle after forgetting the choreography.  And not just a move or two.  But the entire thing.  At which point she should have just faked something out and kept grooving, but instead chose to freeze in place like someone had just called her name out on Toddlers & Tiaras.

And I was really rooting for her, too.  I’m a softie for the underdogs.

Outside, Mama handled it worse than her daughter did and before you knew it, Seloncé took her short fuse, knit gloves and all that pleather right inside the building.

Seloncé flipped a switch or two.  Sunjai cried.  Dianna tried to run a routine with one hand and push a crazy lady out the door with the other.  Seloncé kept flailing her big knit hands around so much that it reminded me of that first Mickey Mouse cartoon where all he did was whistle and do jazz hands.

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Sunjai cried some more and then ran into the car to escape.  Dianna finally got Seloncé out the door and made a mental note to call someone to change the locks in the morning.

By the time Seloncé got in the car, Sunjai was breathing into a paper bag she was crying so hard.  It made me sad.

Sunjai blamed her Mama for all the drama and unnecessary pressure.  Mama imagined Sunjai growing up to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader.  Sunjai cried even harder when she heard that and then I started breathing into a paper bag just to be safe.  Seloncé suddenly remembered that she already had her own Naughty Big Girl Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader costume at home for some reason and then the last thing I remember was both my shin and my head hitting the coffee table at the same time.

When I came to, it was finally Showtime!  And JJ time!

Sunjai’s E’rry Day I’m Shufflin’ Daddy JJ showed up at the competition with his daughter.  Because a Daddy’s gotta do what a Daddy gotta do, yo.

Dianna had banned Seloncé from the show this weekend after she lost her nutty back at the Dollhouse, so JJ and his swag swooped in to save the day.

Dude is 200% playa.  But the good kind.  He wants the best for his baby.  He knows his ex-wife is a little quirky.  And he can dance like Bill Cosby used to do in the opening credits of his show.  Maybe even better, because Cliff Huxtable never wore low riders.

So he’s got my vote for Daddy of the Year, even though at one point I think he did say that he wants to see Sunjai ‘Prospect and Blossom.’

My boy Quincy was also back again coaching the Tigerettes.  After you’ve seen him dressed like Pee Wee Herman all his other outfits pale in comparison, so I forget what he was wearing below the neck.  I do wonder how many hats he owns.

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Newsflash: The ladies looooove their JJ.

Don’t tell the Teams, but I’m pretty sure the loudest cheering was actually for JJ when he did his patented Sanford and Son arrival into the stands.  Lamont, you Big Dummy.

And the DDP ladies really love JJ, because they were practically giddy when he shimmied his butt down onto the bleachers.  Tina even used the big rollers to curl up her Farrah Fawcett meets Lucy Ricardo wig. Girlfriend must’ve known company was coming.

The show was amazeballs, as always.  Both shows…on the floor and in the stands.

I’m not even sure which one I liked better.

The crowd was cray.  Cray to the umpteenth power of Cray.

The Baby Dolls piled on about 7 inches of cheerleading hair and wrecked the place.  They looked like sparkly versions of those 1970’s dolls that magically grew hair when you pushed on their belly buttons.  Werk that First Place trophy!

Not to be outdone, the Big Dolls also showed up to win.  Let’s just say that when they started cracking Tigerette necks, the competition didn’t stand a chance.  

Thanks for playing, girls.  If you leave now, you’ll beat traffic.

Game Over.  Kayla was back.  The Dolls were back.

And the First Place trophy was back on the DD shelf where it belongs.

You might wanna check your watch now.

Because that’s what time it is, mmmkay?

Any questions?

Pop.

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Bring It!: Pat Yo’ Weave And Snatch Yo’ Wig. You Might Wanna Hold On To Yo’ Hair…It’s The Dolls vs. The Tigerettes.

Saturday, March 22nd, 2014

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Yup. Looks like I gotta lace up the Jordans and show these crazy bitches how it’s done.

 

 

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Lawd. I ain’t seen dancing that smooth since they cancelled Sanford and Son. That boy is so fine.

 

 

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A’ight. Rock Paper Scissors. Best 3 outta 5. Loser gets their a** whooped and buys donuts.

 

 

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Tell me to check my Boo one more time and somebody’ll be checking the trash for that tired weave.

 

 

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Best part of these synthetics is I can beat you senseless with it and it still holds a tight curl.

 

 

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Dat S*** Bucked Up.

 

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Hope you all got enough money to tip the waitress, cuz you’re ’bout to get served. Pop Pop!

 

 

 

Public Service Announcement #1:

Talk to the Hand.

And make it fast, cuz Imma gon’ need that hand back as soon as possible so I can pat my weave.  It’s getting hot up under there and I need to get this situation under control asap.

Which, coincidentally enough, also fairly accurately described everything that was going down at The Dollhouse Factory this week as Bring It! brought an extra helping of heated tension and stress to the dance floor.

And to the sidewalk, of course.

Last week’s JudgeGate Scandal (…7 judges for 6 teams?  I don’t think so…) had not only prevented the Dolls from going up against their toughest competitors the Prancing Tigerettes, but at the end of the day had also cost them the big win.  And that ain’t right.

But Dianna Williams and her squad weren’t going to sit around Hip Hop Headquarters licking their wounds.  AwHellNaw.  They were going to turn those tears into anger, dab some extra sparkles under each eye and come back fiercer, sassier and more Boom Boom Pow-ier than ever before.

Starting right now.

Or maybe after Camryn‘s Mom (…and President of the Neighborhood Watch & Snoop…) Mimi finishes up talking with Miss D.  Yeah.  After that.  Then they’ll start.

Oh, Mimi.  She cray.

If they ever build a second floor on top of that studio, Mimi will be the one dangling out a window, hanging laundry on the line keeping an eye on e’rryone within a 12 block radius and then reporting it all back to Dianna in Real Time.  I don’t know if Mimi can sing or not, but I’ve already signed her up for 227: The Musical with Jackée Harry and we need to make that happen as soon as possible.

“Maaaaaaaarrry!”  (Now say it with ‘Mimi’ instead.  Still hilarious, right?)

Mimi wears her DDP Secret Agent badge like a true war vet and proudly keeps Miss D in the loop at all times.

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This week’s Big Scoop was that Camryn would be getting her first solo.  She’s the most diverse little dancer on the squad and Dianna was excited to see her in action.  But for now, Mimi was sworn to secrecy, which in Mimi’s World is the equivalent of handing her a shiny new quarter and pointing her in the direction of the nearest pay phone.

Good luck keeping that news off CNN.  Even my phone rang during the first commercial.

As Mimi headed back outside to discuss everything that she had just promised to not talk about 30 seconds earlier, the girls got to stretching and finding out the deets on the latest competition.  It was called Queen For A Day, so you already knew it was going to be epic if it was anything at all like the one they had on TLC two years ago.

This week’s routines included Pom Pom, African Dance and Stand Battle, which for some reason Dianna felt obligated to explain in detail again just in case there was a pop quiz or something when the episode was over.

Srsly.  Three weeks into the season if you can’t figure out what a Pom Pom Dance is on your own, we have much bigger problems than semantics.

At the competition the Dolls would finally be going up against the Prancing Tigerettes as well as the Dancing Cloverleafs, the Dynamic Diamond Dolls, the Memphis Sizzlers (…who I initially thought were waitresses.  I love their T-Bone steaks, btw…) the Big Girls Who Always Talk Too Loud On iPhones and the Sparkle Babies, who clearly had not been notified that Toddlers & Tiaras was cancelled last season.

As rehearsals and cuts got rolling inside, outside was where the party really got started.

Mimi blurted out everything that she knew about Camryn’s upcoming solo.  All the info that was supposed to remain a secret.  We seriously better hope that Mimi never gets abducted by any of America’s overseas enemies or everyone on the other side of the globe is going to know exactly where we hid all the plutonium as soon as they rip the duct tape off her mouth.

The other Moms wanted to know why Mimi was always Dianna’s Favorite.  Seloncé made a valiant attempt at looking happy for Camryn’s solo even though she clearly wanted Sunjai to be the star of the show, despite her own daughter’s on again/off again energy switch.  Maybe a bigger breakfast might help that girl.

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For the third week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That Not Only Reflects Sunlight But Also Looks Great Laying Upside Down On The Sidewalk went to my girlfriend Tina.

Love.  Her.  She is da bomb.  End of story.  Not even up for discussion.

Tina was pretty chillaxed as the show started, but you could tell that Seloncé was starting to push her buttons.  And that big ol’ pile of red on Tina’s head is like one of those silicone lids they always sell on QVC.  It looks amazing.  It matches everything in the kitchen.  You probably have one in every color.  All your friends want to know where you got it.  And it pretty much contains all the heat in the pot no matter whatchoo cookin’.

But crank the heat up too high and that thing will pop off so fast it’ll stick to the ceiling.

So, yeah.  You just stay tuned for a few more minutes.  Mmmkay, Boo?

Back inside, Sunjai made it through the African Dance choreography but struggled in the Stand Battle practice.  I really like that kid, but she needs to spend less time phutzing with her hair and more time building up some lung capacity if anyone’s asking for my opinion.  She gets winded half way through the first 8 count and then her energy level takes a face plant.

Not happy with what she saw, Dianna told Sunjai to go to the corner and Buck herself.

And then I was all like Wha–?  That’s inappropriate.  And then Dianna clarified things.  I keep forgetting that I know absolutely nothing about the elite world of hip hop majorettes and I tend to jump the gun a little now and then.  Good thing the rest of the internet haters keep reminding me on a daily basis that I really have no Bucking clue about anything.

What Dianna actually told Sunjai to do was to go into the Bucking corner and Buck her brains out once she puts on some good Bucking music.

Buck:  Drop It Like It’s Hot.  I get it now.  My bad.

Unfortunately, Sunjai was cut from the Bucking Stand Battle, too.  Time for an energy drink, honey.

And then J.J. showed up.  Randomly.  But Awesomely.

Seloncé’s ex-husband.  Here to pick up Sunjai, I guess, J.J. strolled up the street all Sup Girlz and doo rag and hoodie and backwards hat.  MasterCard would call him Priceless.

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Clearly the best dancer in the family, J.J. immediately busted down the door and strut his stuff right up to the front of the studio like he was picking up a Moon Man at the MTV Awards.  J.J. got krunk and the crowd went wild.

Think Fred Sanford meets George Jefferson meets that guy who works at the Foot Locker in my mall who’s always dancing to the Muzak.  It literally takes him 20 minutes to find my damn Nikes, but the dude is a hoot so I’m Koolio wid it.

Dear Lifetime TV:  I expect a J.J. spin-off show by Fall 2014.  Thank you in advance.

Tina and J.J. also shook it like a Polaroid picture on the sidewalk after his floor show and it pretty much gave me life.  Why haven’t I gone clubbing with these people yet?

To catch our breath after that, we scooted over to Camryn’s house for a few minutes so she could run Sunjai through some more Bucking choreography.

They were either in an empty room dedicated to rehearsal space or Mimi needs to get some La-Z-Boys in the hizzle asap.  I wasn’t sure.  But regardless, Sunjai picked up a few pointers and it was nice to see the girls just goofing around like girls without hitting their shins on any furniture.

With one night to go before competition, it was back to The Dollhouse so Camryn could nail down her solo.  Tight and Right.

Tina’s wig on the other hand?  Not quite as secure.

Not gonna lie.  These are the moments I live for.

It was off the hook.  And it went a little sumthin like dis:

Tina sez to Seloncé that she should get J.J. to help Sunjai with her dancing, because that brother was here last night and Girrrl, he was Gettin’ It.  And then in the same breath she just casually mentions that she wishes Kayla‘s Daddy was more involved with his daughter’s dancing.  It ain’t his thang, apparently.

To which Seloncé had to put her Five Two Cent In (…what does that even mean?…) and suggest that maybe J.J. should call Terrell (…totally his name…) and show him how to be a supportive father.  Which I believe pretty much implied that he’s not a supportive father.

OhNoSheDin’t.

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And then Tina did that thing where you start yelling at one person while you’re looking at another person so you don’t completely lose your noodle and pop off on the first person before you even finish the sentence.  It’s like a temporarily calming HoldMeBack kind of thing.  You don’t know Terrell, Baby.

Fingers everywhere.  You don’t make him do nothing.  More fingers everywhere.

And then Seloncé sez maybe Tina needs to check her man.  Check.  Her.  Man.

Excuse me?  Who gon’ check me, Boo?  Really?  Even I know you don’t tell someone to check their man and I had to have Pom Pom dances explained to me three times.

Tina sez she just wanted 2 seconds of respect.  Seloncé counts ’em out for her.

One.  Two.  Done.  Tina sez You need to be 2 feet away from me before I F*** you up.  (Which is way worse than Bucking somebody up, trust me.)

Next thing I knew they were picking tacks out of a tiger’s a** and going What?  What?  What?  What? all up in each other’s faces like two boughetto scarecrows before the final PSA came over Tina’as loud speaker.

You not gonna take the PSA?  You not gonna take the Public Service Announcement?

Then let’s do it.

And then she did it.

She took her wig off.  Wig…Off.

Just like they do on the internet.  And Tina had THE best crazy a** Kool-Aid hair under that thing that I’ve ever seen and she was all like Here’s your window, Bitch.  Watch Sunjai not make cuts.  And Seloncé was all like PLEEZ put that thing back on yo’ head.  And Tina was all like I’ll put it back on when Sunjai makes cuts.

Two random Moms in the way back part of the sidewalk tried to call 911 without anyone noticing.  Mimi fell down unconscious.  Seloncé kept begging Tina to put that thing back on her head.  Two cars even drove by honking their horns in agreement.

And then I ended up having to change my onesie before I went to bed.

I think I may have even blacked out for a second, because suddenly it was Showtime!

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Let’s be honest.  I don’t even remember most of the competition after having just gone through all that weave trauma.  But I remember my boy Quincy from the Prancing Tigerettes was back.  And instead of the Pee Wee Herman tie he was a little more thug this time with some sweatshirty-looking thing and one of those Verizon ear pieces that made him look like he was running security for the NBA.

I think he’s a riot and deserves mad props for sticking up for all the Dolls last week when they got boned by that seventh judge.

Before the performance, Seloncé burned off a little more steam by getting into some Talk To The Hand action with Dianna in the back stairwell.  Mama wanted her baby to start snagging some solos.  Dianna wanted Mama to get out of her face before she slapped her back into yesterday.

Then the girls hit the dance floor.  Which was covered up in plastic like you do when you’re painting the ceiling and don’t want to drip anything on the carpet.  I’m assuming that was done to protect the floor underneath, but it didn’t look very booty pop-friendly.

Camryn rocked her solo and Mimi cried.  Proud Mommy Moment.  Yaaaaaas.

The African Dance number took it back to the Homeland and got the whole crowd on its feet.  The Dance Moms kids could definitely learn a lesson or two from the Dolls on how to keep headgear secured for an entire performance.  Those feathers weren’t going anywhere.

I should probably also point out that if all the bling on Mimi’s cellphone was real she could easily pay off the outstanding debt owed by a number of small countries.  You see that thing?  That phone must weigh 10 pounds.

And speaking of headgear, Tina was rocking a new wig.  Her old one either still had gravel in the lining or was lost inside one of the 200 Walgreen’s handle bags that were all over the dressing room floor.  Did I miss a sponsorship announcement?  I’m more of a CVS kind of guy myself, but I really need one of those sweet bags for Laundry Day, please.

The Stand Battle against the Prancing Tigerettes was nothing but Boom Boom Pop Pop Take That Bitch You Wish You Had These Moves I Know You Do Bitch Pop Pop.

Kayla got it done, but the judges only gave the Dolls Second Place.  And I wasn’t liking it.

But Dianna said it best.  It was just a minor setback for a major comeback.  Always a teaching moment for the team.  And that’s why we love her.

Next week…the Baby Dolls!

DD4L.  Now available in Toddler.

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The Bachelor Flashback: If They Gave Out Roses For Saying The Same S#*! For 18 Seasons…In Under 2 Minutes.

Saturday, January 18th, 2014

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Well.

That didn’t last very long.

Apparently the first Resolution I’ll be breaking this year is my goal of never mentioning The Bachelor or The Bachelorette or Bachelor Pad or any show that looks, sounds or smells like it was bred from the franchise on this site.

Ever.

Not that I don’t appreciate a good Hot Mess.  Because you know I do.

And the latest incarnation is just as messy as the 17 seasons that came before it, thanks to Venezuelan Juan Pablo Galavis and his stable of mujeres desesperadas.

That’s right.   Español.

You don’t have to be desperately searching for love to use Google Translate, thank you very much.  And they did that, you know, as they prepped for their one chance at telenovela-worthy romance.

Not to mention that ‘Loco’ sounds way cooler than ‘Crazy’ when you’re sobbing your way out of a camera shot and losing your nutty in a limousine, right?

But just in case you’ve been otherwise occupied in the Real World, I figured it couldn’t hurt to recycle this classic video one more time and give you a chance to catch up on the last 17 heart breaking, gut wrenching seasons of The Bachelor before you become too emotionally invested all over again this JUAN-uary.

Everything you ever missed in 17 seasons.  Ever.  In under two minutes.

Literally.

I still think Ben Flajnik said it best.

“I cried a little bit today, I’m not gonna lie.”

El amor es una perra.  

Google it.

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