Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

Toddlers & Tiaras Flashback: Whaaat?! Oh No They Din’t Just Do That! A Few More Outrageously OMG Moments.

Saturday, November 16th, 2013

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Not gonna lie.

I’m still having a little trouble reconciling myself to the fact that Toddlers & Tiaras may be gone for good.  I can tell this is gonna be a long process.

I’m missing my guilty pleasure giggles and flabbergasted forehead slaps.  Not to mention all the Life Lessons learned each week.

I’m talking about those classic T&T Moments.  The ones that made us spit our drinks out and then hit Rewind on the remote.  The ones worthy of the TLC Time Capsule. 

Classic.  And outrageous.  And there were lots of them.  Especially the outrageous ones.

The ones that made us laugh more than they should have…and taught us more than we ever needed to know.

Like my girl Paisley, who showed all the Haters how to turn a yellow Muppet Show wig and a couple of wobbly runway struts into mini superstardom.

Umm.  Hello?  Drama Queen on E! anyone?  Or movies?  Or photo shoots and airline peanuts on cross country trips to Hollywood?  Because that’s totally happening, bitches.

Or Mia-donna, who taught me how a true diva should always enter a coat check room at the club.  Running with scissors is so over rated.  Try these bad boys.

26770282kLdAnd don’t forget Makenzie and her keen eye for fashion.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-25856-1326297775-1And Kayla.  Who…well…you know.  Suck it, Miley.

vodka-n-wiskySo TLC, you bring back my show.  Now.  You wouldn’t like me when I don’t get my way.

tumblr_m1zp2hfiWt1qfk1qeo1_500I’m kind of a big deal in the Toddler Blogosphere, mmmkay?  Just sayin’.

tumblr_lq02ous3rb1qbnfoaSo bring it back and I promise I’ll be happy.

tumblr_lq02vv0jOM1qbnfoaHappy.  And pretty fabulous.

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Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition: If It’s Miss Asia Monet Ray Back In Da Hizzle, Then It’s Diva Week Fo’ Shizzle.

Wednesday, November 6th, 2013

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All I know is that if Mama doesn’t get served some of that cake pretty soon, every one of those kids is going home.

 

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Pardon me while I unleash a Bucket of Sass all up in your face. You might wanna take notes.

 

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How ’bout Asia’s Mom and those stilettos? Bitch probably doesn’t even own flip flops.

 

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OhMyGod. Asia? This calls for three hair bows AND a glitter headband.

 

 

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Yeah. I’m all set with that one, thank you.

 

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Seriously. What happened to you people while I was in Pittsburgh?

 

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Plus I think I read on TMZ that her Mom bitch slapped JLo or something. I forget. Crap, they’re fierce.

 

 

 

Girl, pleez.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

You better pop off those Hello Kitty acrylics and make sure yo’ wiglet is sewn on real tight, because the Battle of the Mini Divas is about to go down.

And while you’re at it, you’re probably also going to need some protective eyewear and a bicycle helmet.  Maybe even a medical waiver.  And definitely something sparkly.

Because this week was Diva Week on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition.

And Miss Asia Monet Ray was back in the hizzle to spell it out for you.  

D-I-V-A.  All in caps.  In glitter glue.

With only five tiny dancers remaining, the coffee pot was really starting to percolate now and both the Moms and the kids were feeling the pressure as they filed in for this week’s mini challenge.  Especially when they came face to face with Abby Lee Miller and her pink boa.

Because any time you pull out the pink boa, you’re pulling out the Big Guns.

The theme:  Divas.  Sassy ones.

The skill:  Performance.  Because that’s what Diva’s do.  Duh.

The challenge:  Diva Dance-Off.  Oh, yeah.  It is SO on.

The number of times that Rachelle Rak will probably stand up and chew on some produce during the judging portion of this week’s extravaganza:  I can’t count that high without a calculator.  And I still can’t believe she can trademark ‘Apple Bite.’

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As soon as the kids heard the word ‘Diva’ they got all excited.  Because kids love being all sassy and stuff.  Especially Honey Bow Bow JoJo, who was clearly bred in some underground laboratory solely for the purpose of wearing reflective hair ribbon and being fierce on the playground.  This was gonna be her week.  That’s what she said.

(Spoiler Alert:  More than you know, honey.  More than you know.)

The winner of this week’s Dance-Off Challenge would get to choose their dance routine and then hand off the next choice to the next dancer…and so on and so on down the line.

Like a Diva Chain.  Which set me up with so many jokes in my head that I can’t remember any of them right now, except for the dirty ones.

With a flip of her Big Gun boa, Abby announced that they would be dancing off against the Ultimate Diva.  The Diva’s Diva.  The Diva of all Divas.  The biggest Diva in the history of Divadom.  Wait for it…

Divas to the Dancefloor Drumroll, please.

Asia Monet Ray!  Come on down and show these little wannabes how you do, mmmkay?

Boom.  Boom.  Front flip.  Pow.

Last season’s booty poppin’ breakout star (…and recent Dance Moms SassyPants…) was back to get the party started.  And she had taken down her signature pumpkin donut hair bun on the way to the studio, so you knew she meant business.

Asia don’t play when she loses her bun.  I whip my hair, bitch.

One by one Asia faced off against the girls until only Kalani and McKaylee remained standing.  When the Diva Dust finally settled, Kalani threw enough glitter and shade to win the contest and the other girls took their place on the Diva Chain.

Side note:  Kalani’s Mom Kira kept the whole Fake Kristie Ray thing pretty low key during this week’s challenge, most likely because she knew the real Kristie was backstage somewhere getting ready to flap those hoop earrings around if anyone tried stealing her identity on national television.  You don’t mess with JLo’s shiz.  You just don’t.

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Isn’t that right, Yvette?

After coming to the realization that our public school systems don’t even teach history anymore (…Marie Antoinette who?  Cleopatra who?…) the dances were assigned and everyone headed off to rehearse and Google ‘Name Some Famous Divas from History’ on their pink iPads.

Seriously.  Do they still make encyclopedias?  There’s a cigar bar in the financial district that I swear used to be a library.

Kalani had played it safe and given herself a sassy jazz Movie Star routine during the Diva Chain, choreographed by the guy I mistook for a Harlem Globetrotter in a previous episode.  As Victor Rojas tried to bring out her inner Sasha Fierce, Abby strolled in and voiced her disappointment in Kalani not challenging herself with something more acrobatic.

Kalani squirmed a little.  Kira sat on her hands and tried really hard to not to go to her Kristie Ray dark place.  And then Victor shot a three pointer.   I have no idea who this guy really is.

For some reason that nobody could seem to fathom, JoJo had not only chosen a hip hop routine (…which she imploded on last time…) but also chose Trinity as her duet partner.  So basically she had set herself up with a style of dance that she was not comfortable performing and then picked the girl who had out danced her in a previous routine.

I think Mom is tying her bows too tight.

As choreographer Q Pittman balanced a tiny yellow beanie on his head and tried to figure out how to turn two young girls into Down N Dirty Divas without getting NBC’s  Dateline cameras involved, he somehow KaBoomCha KaPowie Booyeah’d the routine into a krunk-worthy piece of KaChowza PowZizzle.

I swear Dance and Cheer people talk in Klingon just to mess with my head.

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Down the hall, Giaaaaanna had finally figured out who Marie Antoinette was in the big scheme of things and was now working on a Let Them Eat Cake routine, choreographed by Joyce Chittick.  I’m sure she knows her stuff, but Joyce has the same haircut as everyone who works at the Chico’s in my mall and I prefer my choreographers to have edgier coiffures.  But maybe that’s just me.

The coolest part about Giaaaaanna’s dance was that she got to flap a Cee Lo Green fat lady in church fan and use a real Betty Crocker cake as a prop.  Shut.  Up.

I know, right?  Eating AND dancing?  All the time?  At the same time?  Add free internet and that’s pretty much what Heaven must look like.

Giaaaaanna’s Mom Cindy was still holding onto that grudge over JoJo being in the competition for another week and was once again slouched back in her comfy chair like she was back home cleaning out all the old General Hospitals from the DVR.  You know she bawled like a baby during Luke and Laura‘s wedding.  You just know she did.

Plus, she’s from Philly.  L-O-V-E.

Due to an apparent rip in the space-time continuum, Victor Rojas was also in another room choreographing McKaylee‘s Queen Of The Nile routine at the same time.  Now I’m not sure If I remember this guy from the Harlem Globetrotters or Star Trek.

Mom Shari was all bug eyed and stressed out again about the dance, because they were from Nebraska.  And in Nebraska they only raise cows and corn.  And sometimes sheep.

But not Divas.  So this one was gonna be a challenge.

I’m thinking that Mom might also want to double-check that theory with Shania Twain to confirm whether or not country girls can actually be Divas, if you know what I mean.

Man, I Feel Like A Woman.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Asia and Kristie Ray time!

Did you see them in the audience?  When they waved at me?  Because that’s totally what they did, you know.  Because JLo and I are tight.

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Hey, Girlfriend!

Did you also see little mini-Asia Bella next to Mom?  Not many people know that Kristie and her husband (…who could bench press me with one hand while shaking up a GNC protein drink with the other, by the way…) are secretly creating an entire society of fierce little Miss Thangs as part of their long term goal of World Diva Domination.

It’s true.  She told me.  Because we’re tight.

Let’s Go!

My boy Kevin Manno was rocking yet another skinny suit and pointing around the stage like a traffic cop.  I keep telling you…Adam Levine better watch his skinny legs and back, because the Kevlar knows how to work the slim fit, too.

Richy Jackson was in another signature comic book vest and an armful of plastic watches.  His hair grows awfully fast, if I do say so myself, because I swear he has a different crop circle pattern on his head every week.

Miss Grown-Up SassyPants Rachelle was already werkin’ the judges’ desk like a theater prop before Kevin even finished the intros.  She was also basically wearing underwear and a vest, disguised by a bazillion silver studs.

Live It.  Want It.  Own It.  Bump-It.

Speaking of.  Giaaaaanna was up first with some major lift in her hair as she flapped her fan around and ended up cramming a fist full of cake straight into her face like she had just gotten out of a woman’s prison.  It was pretty hot.  And sloppy.  D-I-V-A.

Rachelle and Richy L-O-V-E’d it.  Abby, not so much.  Something about her shoes not matching her leg color and the prop guys not using the tasty frosting that Abby specifically requested from Cheesecake Factory.

Then it was down the Nile with McKaylee’s Cleopatra routine.  Two tear-away costume changes and a two finger wave from Richy and she was clearly safe for the week.

Of course, Rachelle stood up and showed McKayKay how the Egyptians used to werk a vanity mirror before Richy shoved her back in her seat again.  It’s called ‘Sass.’

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Can you even imagine sitting next to Rachelle on an airplane?  I mean, really?

Kalani’s Movie Star dance was ok, but her DivaFace was more DisneyFace for a good portion of the routine.  And then Rachelle stood up again.

But Trinity and JoJo’s hip hop routine was when it really got good.

Clearly blinded by the dust that Trinity was kicking up as she hit each move wicked hahhhd, JoJo didn’t stand much of a chance against her partner.  Maybe it was the can of Lady Gaga soda wrapped in her bangs that was slowing her down.  I told her to stick with juice boxes, but she never listens.

As soon as they finished the dance, Rachelle was on her feet, channeling every Diva on the DVD box set.  She was testifying like Whitney.  She was spinning around like Patti LaBelle.  She was giving us Celine Realness.

That crazy bitch even threw her white fur coat across the room at Trinity like it was Holy Water.  Like some shot putter at the Drag Queen Olympics or something.

I don’t know if she was trying to knock JoJo down or what…but it was a true D-I-V-A moment.  And a middle finger to PETA.

Once Kristie Ray’s husband finally rushed the stage and restrained Rachelle with a few of those buckle straps that nobody can chew through, it was down to eliminations.

Kalani and JoJo ended up in the Bottom Two.  No real surprises.

In the end, JoJo was sent away to pack up all her hair bows and hit the road.

It was not her day.  She cried.  Everyone cried.

Good luck to JoJo.  And good luck to Rachelle trying to get her coat back from Trinity.

And then there were four.

Diva Week was over.  Go home, please.  Nothing to see here.

Miss Asia has left the building.

Everybody wave buh bye now.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: Stars And Stripes. Sparkles And Swag. It’s The History Of America…Sorta. You Got This, Baby.

Saturday, October 19th, 2013

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You might wanna step aside, cuz my baby ’bout to put a whole lot of Playa back into this li’l Playground, ‘kay?

 

 

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Chillax, Girls. You don’t even need a knife to spread all this on a cracker.

 

 

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He looked taller on The Jeffersons, but dang that boy is a fine piece of candy.

 

 

 

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Heaven’s missing an angel and your boy is missing a baby tooth. Coincidence? I don’t think so, Girl. Let’s get this done.

 

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Sup? Just hanging out in a wig and an Old Navy polo shirt. Chicks dig that s***.

 

 

 

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Imma ’bout ready to whoop his a** for gettin’ in my weave drawer. But srsly…how cute is my baby? He got this.

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It makes me sad knowing that there’s some girls out there that are never gonna get a piece of this.

 

 

 

America.

We salute you.

We wave our flags for you.  Proudly support our troops for you.  We won’t deliver mail on holidays for you.  We even take the Metro-North train into New Jersey on Sundays just to buy illegal fireworks for you.

And now we’re even blowing awkward finger kisses right in your face.

America.  You totally sparkle, baby.

Toddlers & Tiaras lifted their cupcake dress and flashed us some patriotism this week when the History of America Pageant paid tribute to the Red, White & Blue.

Think of it as a cross between a 4th of July picnic on steroids and one of those firework factory explosions you always see on the news where all the rockets go off at once in a thousand different directions.

Because that’s basically what happened as sugarized kid after sparkly kid criss crossed the stage in everything from Abe Lincoln hats to foam Statue of Liberty crowns.

It was also the return of SwagMaster Traven and the realization that not one person in America actually knows anything about American history.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

Director Dena Jackson explained how the History of America Pageant was going to go down, and if you really needed somebody to explain this one to you than you clearly skipped all of Fifth Grade and should be Googling online Adult Ed courses right now and not reading hilarious blogs.

It’s the History of America.  Figure it out.

The first contestant we met didn’t really need an introduction if you’ve been creeping TLC for the last few years.  It was 7 year old Traven and his Mom LaNesia.

Dat’s rite, ladies.  Hold onto your Huggies LIttle Crawlers.  He’s baaaack.

Smooth Operator Traven.

With his SexyWink and his GetItGurlPoint and all that MadSwag.

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The last time we saw Traven, he was a 6 year old playground chauvinist (…“This is MY house, woman!  I’m the MAN!”…) who used a fairly age-appropriate combination of testosterone and toddler terrorism to win loads of crowns and drive Mom even more cray cray than she already was.  And you know how much I love me some cray.

Especially when your kid makes you that way.

But that was then.  Way back when he was 6 years old.

Now he’s 7.  And he’s straight up Kanye West.

Yo, Mom.  I’m really happy for you…and Imma let you finish yo’ KFC, but…

This kid is off the chain.

Mom referred to Traven as “…still a little devil…” in that exhausted, eye rolly way a Mom does when her kid gets caught by the local news on Super Bowl Sunday tossing a trash can through a Best Buy window and then running down the street with a Samsung SmartTV under his arm.  Go Patriots!

That scamp.

Truth.  There’s probably a whole psych ward out there somewhere full of nothing but Traven’s old babysitters all curled up in a ball drooling gibberish and eating jello with their fingers.

He’s a handful, to say the least.

But Mama’s got a new man in her life.  A man who likes Traven and has become a father figure of sorts to the boy.

A man who also likes Big Butts and he cannot lie.

He really does.

That little tidbit came up in passing around the same time that Traven laid a smack down on Mama’s substantial Cushion for the Pushin’.

All I know is that someone else would be writing this recap right now if I had ever told my Mom she had a fat a**, because there’s no wi-fi internet connection six feet under.

But TMan got away with it somehow, even though Mama did whip her Sidekick out of her bra and threaten to call new Baby Daddy Johnny.

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Not gonna lie.  Big girls who keep their communication devices inside their ‘happy spot’ pretty much give me life.  It also makes waiting in that long line at Burger King everyday much more entertaining now that I’ve honed my eavesdropping skills to CIA level.

Where you at, bitch?  You want fries or rings?  Is that Tyrone I hear?  OhHellNo.  Do NOT tell me he’s there.  No, I said fries or rings.  I dunno which one is cheaper, bitch.

While LaNesia put her cell back into her MamaCup to recharge, we moved on to meet 6 year old Jaidyn and Mom Tiffany as they whipped up a pan of Green Eggs & Ham.

Yeeeuck.

Little Jaidyn’s History of America Outfit of Choice was going to be The Cat In The Hat for some reason.  I don’t really remember the character playing a pivotal role in the Civil War, but in all honesty it’s been a long time since I’ve read the book.  They were coloring scrambled eggs to help get into the Zone to win this week’s pageant.

Because it’s all about winning.  Jaidyn said it.  And then Mom said it.  And then they both said it about 100 more times.

Jaidyn was a cutie and Mom was already a little nervous with four days to go.  She’s a fidgeter, especially when it came to Jaidyn’s ill-fitting Beauty dress.  But they made a good team and I loved the way Jaidyn always wrapped herself into a human pretzel when she talked.

After trying to digest all those eggs, we met up with our final petite princess, 5 year old Aja and Mom India.

When is the Kate Gosselin haircut thing finally going to be over?

Seriously.  Haven’t we had this discussion after nearly every T&T episode for the past six seasons?  I know we just talked about it a few weeks ago.  Even Kate finally threw in the towel.  And where do they keep finding salons trained to do that cut?

And who even keeps a picture of that spiky skunky hairstyle hanging around after all these years?  How old are the magazines at that JCPenney?  There’s a reason Jon is living in the woods now.

Aside from Mom’s flashback head, the family liked huntin’ and fishin’ and Dorothy Hamill, because that’s the ice skater haircut that Mom had back when she was in pageants herself.

Kudos to any stylist who can turn a Dorothy into a Kate.  That feat alone probably required two sets of clippers and a NASA degree.

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Aja was a patootie of a nugget who liked finger painting Mom’s face with so much camouflage that they both looked like they were going out after dark to spy on Jon’s tent from the bushes.  Where did all that DBag Ed Hardy money go, anyway?

Mom worked FIVE jobs to keep Aja in pageants.  Clearly none of them involved salons or NASA, if you know what I mean.  Being as busy as she was out in the corporate world, that may explain why India wasn’t up to date on any of the latest hair trends or the fact that there are only 50 states in America.  Not 52.

Because that totally happened.

Aja was going to be rocking a sailor outfit for the History of America portion of the competition, which I guess made more sense than something from a Dr. Seuss book even though Mom had no idea why they had chosen it over one of the Whoville characters.

Oh, Mom.  By the time she tried answering a simple off-screen question from one of the TLC interns my head started to hurt.

Back at the TMan’s hizzle, LaNesia was throwing a big a** BBQ send off for Traven, with so many kids and family and friends that it looked like some ’80s sitcom reunion show.

Gah.  I need to hang with this crew.  Asap.  They know how to par-tay.

And I love me some LaNesia.  Especially when she wears her sunglasses on her head and makes all those crazy faces, because obviously a tight pair of knock-off Chanels is a lot cheaper than getting your weave sewn in securely.  She is a RIOT.  All in caps.

Hit me up on your Ta Ta Telephone, Girl.  I mean it.

Unfortunately, when Mama decided to toss a surprise pop quiz at all the kids to see if they did their American History homework, it became pretty clear that Russia will own the United States before the next generation ever graduates from high school.  Really.

Despite the fact that nobody knew who Uncle Sam was, or who discovered America, or what the President’s job description included…I think it went fairly well.

Even Aja and Jaidyn’s family got in their own version of Jeopardy before the commercial break.  Nobody took home any lovely parting gifts over there, either.  I think they lost points when one of the little girls thought that President Obama was in charge of giving baths to cats.

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There was also something about pole dancing.  I kind of blacked out for a second.

The future of our country.  It’s all yours, America.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Franky time!

You heard me.  There was a new boy in town.  And he was gunning for Traven’s turf.

Franky was a 10 year old slickster best known for chillin’ like a villain in his Nike Swoosh shirt and breaking hearts just by being in the same room with all the lovelies.

But LaNesia wasn’t afraid, because her baby had it goin’ on.  It’s called SWAG.  Also all in caps.  And nobody got the swag that Traven got.  Mmmkay?

In between fine tuning his George Jefferson dancing moves and busting out a few practice winks, Traven noted that any dude who thought they could beat him on stage was a chump.

When it came down to Mano a Mano on the stage, Franky was described as having Handsome Hair (…what does that even mean?…) and Traven worked a zebra print cane like he was pimping playground bitches, yo.

And what was the deal with the guy in the audience who kept standing up and clapping above his head?  Please tell me you saw him.  Dude certainly appeared to be a little over stimulated to be around that many small children, don’t you think?  I appreciate enthusiasm and support as much as the next person, but I think someone took a few hits off his daughter’s pixie stix when nobody was looking.

Wth 24 seconds to go before her number was called, Jaidyn decided it might be time to try on that ill-fitting Beauty dress again.  And guess what?  It was still ill-fitting.

Really?  Right now you decided to give it a test drive?  Why does this always happen?  Clearly, they did not watch last week’s episode when they same thing happened.  Or the week before when the same thing happened.

It’s called Time Management, people.  Or Common Sense.  I forget.

The History of America portion is when it got good.

Franky did a soft shoe Dancing With The Stars routine dressed like the ROTC guy who goes to all the universities in September.  LaNesia was all like ‘meh’ and not impressed.

Her baby got this.

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Traven was Uncle Sam, George Jefferson and Kanye West all rolled into one big iParty hat as he busted out every youtube dance he could remember on the fly.  He even threw in a little Chris Brown if you count when he slammed the microphone down like it was Rihanna‘s head.

Ouch.  What?  Too soon?  It’s been like forever.

Jaidyn got up on stage just in time for the sound guys to put in the wrong CD and freak her Cat In The Hat pants off.  But she recovered and made it out alive.  Aja’s sailor dance looked like it was pulled straight from the Warner Brothers archives.  Somebody should really call her when they do a remake of some old ’40s movie.

She is stupid cute.

By the time it was over, some kids won some stuff and other gets got patriotically boned, so to speak.

Poor tiny Aja got the “Rising Star” crown, which was explained as basically being a participation trophy.  Or a ‘thanks for coming’ attaboy pat on the head.  If you framed your room receipt from the front desk it pretty much amounted to the same level of prestige.  Wah.  Kate Gosselin was not happy.

Jaidyn got handed a flag, which meant she pulled for a higher title, and then they spent way too long on a camera shot of some old lady putting on lipstick.  I didn’t ask.

Franky stole Traven’s crown right out from under him and for the first time the TMan had to go home without the top prize.  Uh oh.

No Ultimate Grand Supreme?  LaNesia was all like SayWhatOhNoTheyDin’t and I was all like WhyIsFrankyWearingALittleGirl’sTiaraDuringCrowning?

Jaidyn won Most Beautiful which I thought was a good thing, but Mom was not happy.  I know I hate it when people tell me I’m beautiful.

And then it was over.

We never really got a straight answer on what year Christopher Columbus discovered America, but at least we got to see the Statue of Liberty booty pop.

I’d love to chat longer, especially since this may or may not have been the LAST episode of Toddlers & Tiaras EVAH…but Barrack and I have to give the cat a sponge bath.

So for now, God Bless the USA.

And TLC.

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