Posts Tagged ‘reality tv’

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: Big Wigs, Bad Weaves & Baby Mommas. Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained.

Monday, November 7th, 2011

 

 

 

 

MmmmHmmm..?

 

 

 

 

 

What have I done?

 

 

 

 

 

Why are you even here? This is my show, bitch.

 

 

 

 

Child, please.

If you’re gonna throw down with NeNe Leakes you better make sure yo’ weave is serious tight, because once she grabs hold of them tracks ain’t nuthin gonna pry her loose, no matter how long ago you done her wrong.

Star Jones, and the rest of the world, learned that one tonight.

Hide all the sharp objects.  The Real Housewives of Atlanta are back.  And they’re back with new weaves.  And a vengeance.

Without even having to touch our remotes, the Golden Egg of Bravo’s Housewives franchise somehow magically managed to take us all around the cable box tonight, with what seemed to be a little something from every channel to keep us glued to the lounger.  I’m not sure if it was done on purpose to prevent the morning after guilts, or it just kind of happened…but regardless, it felt like we got to see every channel in the TV Guide during the premiere.

Right out of the gate we get Kim Zolciak and her new toy Kroy Biermann for a little taste of ESPN and HGTV.  Kim, who is best known for poorly lip synching on Pride Parade floats and having ginormous breasts, has hooked up with the Atlanta Falcons defensive end after meeting him at Sheree Whitfield’s poor man’s Dancing With The Stars benefit gala.

Kroy, previously best known for getting sacked by the opposing team is now known as the dude with the nice butt who accidentally knocked up a Housewife and ended up on a reality TV show during the NFL lock out.

If you can pig pile it on the field with 12 other footballers sitting on your face, I guess you can handle Kim and her silicone for a few minutes every day.

It’s only the first episode, so I can’t be certain, but Kim may eventually take the crown for Most Dramatic Pregnancy Evah right off Rachel Zoe’s head and bobby pin it to her own new wig.  Waddling around like her ovaries have somehow reversed the gravitational pull of the Earth, Kim shleps Kroy and her assistant Sweetie to the storage units where she has stashed enough furniture to open a high end Atlanta Ikea.

Back when she was gold digging through Big Poppa’s credit line, Kim had apparently purchased way too much furniture in anticipation of them living together, and what she couldn’t sell at her Yard Sale last year now has to be moved into her new home.  And who better to move it all than a defensive end with a nice butt from the Atlanta Falcons?

Trust me.  If this was The Real Housewives of Dallas, Kim would have already branded that thing out behind the barn and marked it as her property, because she can’t stop talking about it.  Or looking at it.  Or slapping it.

While Kroy hoisted a couple million dollars worth of HGTV home decor into the truck, Kim and Sweetie and a stuffed monkey (for real…rewind and look…) lounged around in the car checking him out while looking at pictures of Kim when she was skinny to kill time.  First ten minutes of the season, and I bet the poor guy was already hoping the Uhaul brakes would give way and drive the trailer hitch thru his abdomen.

And then there’s NeNe, who can someone even turn car shopping into a big ol’ mash up of Diva and product placement.

NeNe is currently separated from her husband, which explains why they photoshopped him out of those little nameplate intro dancing shots.  Because she sent him packing, NeNe has to now manage her two boys and her 2011 Self Promotion World Tour all on her own.  Luckily both her attitude and bank roll seem to be up for the challenge.

Son Bryson, who was given 3 months to shape up and move out the last time we saw him, is now inexplicably being given a brand new car as a reward for having no job, crashing his last truck, being arrested and cutting off his dreads.

Seriously?  Where do I sign up?

Car Dealer Mr. Jay is one of NeNe’s former romantic conquests, and she is turning up the Flirt to Code Red in hopes of shaving off a couple G’s on the asking price.  We get a little free advertising for some car brands, though I’m pretty sure that Chevy isn’t going to be using the “Impala is so ghetto” tag line in their upcoming marketing materials.

NBC gets it’s first shout out of the night as NeNe gushes over how she has mastered The Art Of The Deal by simply being on Celebrity Apprentice, almost knocking out Star Jones and talking smack about LaToya Jackson while she was still in the room.

Girl, please.  I’ve got a Barnes & Noble in my mall, too.  And it’s on the Kindle for half price, so bring it.

Turns out that NeNe may have used some of that Trumpster wheeling and dealing to try and scam some money out of Sheree during an event in Philly last year, which we find out about when Sheree drops by her Hair Boy’s recording studio session.

Lawrence, best known for…well…being Lawrence and doing a fierce weave in high heels, is trying to expand his empire into synthesized club anthems.  His new Parade Float masterpiece “Over It” is in the early stages of creation, so Sheree swings by the studio to get her groove on and check out her Boy laying down some tracks of the non-hair variety.

Taking a break from rehearsal, Lawrence comes out of the booth with the same flourish that he probably left the closet with, adjusts his table cloth/shoulder wrap scarf and sits down to dish with Sheree and get all the dirt on NeNe.

Sheree points out that Donald Trump only brought NeNe on the show because he needed an “Irate Crazy Bitch” and definitely got his money’s worth.  Then without warning the two of them morph into a triple threat of BET, VH1 Bad Girls and a Mrs. Butterworth commercial as they diss on NeNe and her head bobbing, neck rolling, ‘tood throwing hot mess self.

Sounds like Dr. Trumpenstein may have created a Monster.

Then it was on to the CW and America’s Next Top Model.  Or so I thought at first.

Cynthia Bailey, who finally pulled it together and went through with her Jurassic Park themed wedding last season, has now begun work on The Bailey Agency, which will bring high fashion to style starved Atlanta.

Dat’s rite.  She is opening up a Miss Bailey’s School for Wayward Girls and Model Wanabees.

And who better to help out with All Things Fierce than Miss J from ANTM?  You don’t think Tyra would play second fiddle to a Housewife, do you?  Please.  Miss J sashays his way into the cafe seat, gets all fierce and offers to help turn these poor Atlanta fashion dont’s into fashion doobies.  Oh Lawd.  He gives us all the same fabulous runway poses and heel/toe walks that we’ve come to expect, and Cynthia can hardly breath.

It was Fashion to die for.

And speaking of…if that runway does kill anyone, Phaedra Parks may be your girl.

After losing her baby weight, but keeping her felon husband, Phaedra is now considering a career change.  With the solemn passing of her Great Auntie, she and her family make a visit to Willie Watkins and the Funeral Factory.  (I know…I thought they said Willie Wonka the first time, too.)  Phaedra, best known for some seriously big lips and sass to match, gets a crash course in over the top funerals by Mr. Wonka.

Top hats, horse and buggies and a hearse that plays the same music the ice cream truck does.  I know, right?

The only thing missing from that procession will be Lawrence sitting on the hood in stilettos throwing beads to the crowd, screaming “Show me your t***!”

With one rotation of the hearse strobe light Phaedra found her new calling.

And speaking of tasteful, or at least tasty…Kandi Burruss is expanding her career as well.  Best known for making Beyonce famous and auto-tuning Kim’s “Tardy for the Party” remix, Kandi wants to grow her Kandi Koated Nights online dirty nasties into an adult toy line.  And who better to help in product test marketing than horny Phaedra and prudish Sheree?  Both the girls show up at a high end adult toy store to check out the goods with Kandi.

Let’s just say you haven’t lived until you’ve seen Phaedra Parks swinging around 12 inches of hypoallergenic rubber like she was the Black Princess Leia.

We’ll just leave it at that and move on in case there are any kids out there.  Go do your homework, kids.  Stay in school.

Hopefully she washed her hands before heading to Phuneral Phun with Phaedra, because it was Mardi Gras amidst the headstones when they finally buried Great Auntie.  Mr. Wonka forgot he had another funeral to attend, so Phaedra took over as MC of the festivities and loved every minute of it.  She even busted out an impromptu graveside speech, thanking pretty much everyone but The Academy for this honor.

And finally, the loudest piece of drama this week could probably be heard by everyone except the newly buried Great Auntie.

As is customary in the Bravo Housewife religion, NeNe and Sheree meet up at a public restaurant to try and settle things and get to the bottom of who said what to who and when and why.  Bravo must have a bottomless pit of money for insurance reimbursement, because every restaurant owner has to be shaking in their boots when these women walk into the establishments.  Between table flips and glass breakage, these shows ain’t cheap to produce.

NeNe and Sheree were probably in their seats for 28.5 seconds before the whole thing exploded like soda and mentos.

This is how it all went down:  According to NeNe, Sheree is jealous of NeNe.  According to Sheree, NeNe went behind her back.  It’s a woman thing.  It’s a black thing.  It’s a black woman thing.  Star Jones is a bitch.  NeNe called Tyrone.  OhNoSheDin’t. NeNe is rich.  Sheree is richer.  NeNe needs to get her teeth fixed.  Star Jones is still a bitch.  NeNe already got her teeth fixed for a stupid amount of money.  Sheree got Tyrone on her cell to prove that NeNe got him on the phone to set up the Philly event.  NeNe got Diane on her cell, whoever that is, to prove that she didn’t get Tyrone on the phone.

Something about the Celebrity Apprentice again.

And Star Jones is a bitch.  Did NeNe already mention that?

I swear they went at each other like two mall chicks caught on youtube outside of H&M.

It was classic ATL.  You want some of this?

It’s on.

The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills: Otherwise Engaged. Propose A Toast To Momma’s New Nose & Camel Toes.

Tuesday, November 1st, 2011

 

 

 

 

The girls are right. I need to start dating again.

 

 

 

Kelsey was right. She does smell like camel.

 

 

 

Ken was right. She does smell like sissy dog.


 

 

 

Excuse me?

 

 

 

 

With all due respect to those second string Real Housewives of New York, I’m pretty sure that I just experienced more of Morocco at one California party than I did during that entire drawn out multi week trip Ramona and The Countess had forced everyone to take part in this past season.  Seriously.

And this time it wasn’t even on Bravo’s tab.  No passports required, and you didn’t need to put all your toiletries into little airplane bottles.  This is the way to see the world, people.  Travel to a foreign land and still be home in time for Leno.

This week The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills went to fake Morocco…and infinity & beyond…to prove to any remaining doubters still out there, that they have more money than you will ever have.

End of story.  You lose.  They win.

Don’t even try to keep up, because this time around we got a reserved front row seat and the chance to witness excessive partying, excessive face lifting, generally excessive Beverly Hills excess…and a gigantic camel thrown in just to prove their point.

The Big Event was finally here.

Or at least the second biggest one if you count the upcoming Wedding.

Or maybe even third, actually, if you count the highly anticipated, though nervously stalled for eight episodes, first appearance of Russell Armstrong in what will undoubtedly go down in TV history as one of the most awkward and uncomfortable voices from the grave scenes ever.

Ever.

But whatever number you give the thing on the Superficially Important Bravo Scale, it was time for The Engagement Party.

On those rare occasions when Lisa Vanderpump actually stops talking about herself long enough to change subjects, the conversation usually veers towards her daughter Pandora who is still living in sin with her prepster boyfriend Jason and not making much progress on producing a grand baby to go head to fuzzy head against Sissy Dog Supreme Giggy for Mom’s attention.  Lisa wants a marriage license and a grandchild and she’s getting a little tired of waiting.  Thankfully Jason finally proposed, and it’s time for the Engagement Party!

Lisa and her live-in dog walker, husband Ken, have ample room in their home to host any party.  Casa Vanderpump is ginormous, in a crazy Architectural Digest meets the Barbie aisle at Target kind of way.

Ginormous.  And very pink.

But since Lisa doesn’t like other people using her bathroom, and large crowds give Giggy nervous pee, she has secured the mansion of her BFF Mohamed for Pandora’s bash.  Let him clean up after everyone leaves.  She’s no fool.

Not to be outdone, Taylor is planning another birthday party for 5 year old Kennedy.  Taylor took some heat last time for the over the top Wonderland Crazy Hat birthday party she threw that involved everyone but her daughter, so this time she is working the family friendly angle.  That requires lots of animals, a rodeo cowboy theme and a trip to what appears to be the country’s most expensive cake bakery.

In a quick little flashback to the party, knowing what we all know now, that entire episode last year was one big laser pointer signaling that something wasn’t right in Armstrong Land.  Seriously wrong.

Label junkie Dana meets her for some taste testing and design discussion at the bakery.  I’m thinking it’s because in Dana’s mind if she buddies up to Taylor, then Taylor will put in a good word with Camille, and Camille will finally give Dana squatters rights at the Hawaii Bungalo, because we all know that Dana won’t rest until she has her toes in that white sand.  I swear the only person who wants to get into that house more than Dana is Kelsey, and he probably stands a better chance of spending the night.

Since we all know that most 5 year olds are going to end up wearing more of the birthday cake than eating it, I’m not sure I could justify spending $1000 on any baked good shaped like a Unicorn, but Taylor didn’t seem to mind.  I guess if your daughter thinks that Unicorns actually really live on rodeo ranches then you have bigger problems to deal with down the road.  But still.  And 200 guests?  How big is that pre-school?

Before all the Housewives can get to Mohamed’s House of Morocco, Kyle has to accompany her mother-in-law to Paul’s House of Face Lifts.  Taking a break from driving Adrienne to an early grave, Paul is performing surgery on Mauricio’s Mom, because it’s Beverly Hills and that’s what we do.

Kyle is not a big fan of surgery and is already a little queasy just from watching Paul doodle magic marker lines all over Mom’s face.  After dotting enough lines and arrows on her face to run Super Bowl plays, Paul takes Mom into surgery while the family waits outside, apparently oblivious to the fact that all of his surgical tools are on a Sears Craftsmen workbench.  He’s a real doctor, right?

Considering I won’t even go the dentist, I’m probably not the one to judge the skills of anyone in the medical profession, but I’m not sure that if I was lying on the table with my face pulled back over my hairline while a nurse applied suction, that I would want my doctor chatting up Mark Wahlberg on the phone.  Seems that one of the anesthesiologists claims he is Marky Mark’s doppleganger and Paul just happened to have The Funky Bunch on speed dial.

Sometimes it’s better to not even ask, and just move on.

After Mom’s surgery…minutes after it seems…Kyle and Mauricio go in to check on her progress.  Now I’m not sure what they expected 4 minutes after Paul put her face back together, but no wonder Kyle had a meltdown.  Poor Mom looked like Mr. Bill from the old SNL skits.  Except it was Mr. Bill with his head wrapped in that cheesecloth the Fromagerie guys use to drain mozzarella down in Little Italy.  And all Mom could muster was a shaky Fonzie thumbs up “aaaaaaay” over and over.

Needless to say, Kyle took off down the hall like the Cowardly Lion did that first time the scary Wizard Head yelled at him.  I’m rethinking my lip implants.

But the Mr. Bill face wasn’t as disturbing as the first, and only, scene so far this season with Russell.

We knew it had to happen sooner or later.  There really wasn’t any way to completely avoid the subject, and I’m sure that Bravo spent the last 8 episodes trying to figure out how long they could go and not drop him into a scene.  Hoping that viewers might just forget about him, they put it off as long as they could but tonight he returned.  And it was creepily like he was reaching out from the Other Side.

Kyle and Mauricio dropped by the Armstrong’s place for the most clumsy, hard to eat plate of food anyone has ever been served, but luckily no on had much of an appetite as it became very clear early on that Taylor and Russell were on the outs.  US Weekly had just hit the stands with an article that Taylor was separated, and Russell swore that it was Lisa who leaked the inaccurate story.

While Kyle and Mauricio had a little inappropriate dinner table canoodling, Taylor and Russell sat across from them like they had never met each other yet, and had never witnessed a couple in love.

Awkward ain’t the word.  It was either 30 seconds, or 60 minutes, of silent eye shifting and looking up and looking down and looking side ways that went on way too long.  If Bravo wanted to make Russell the Bad Guy for the upcoming rodeo, they did what they set out to do.  Even Kyle’s daughter in her mini Rachel Zoe fur vest couldn’t break that tension.

The rest of the episode shifted to fake Morocco and all that money can buy.

Pandora got both Lisa’s British accent and cleavage in the DNA chain as she and her mother prepared for the party.  The Vanderpumps were looking quite Vanderplump.

You’d think with all that boobage in his face 24/7 Ken would be in a better mood, but Lisa seems to have beat him down into submission after all these years.  Or maybe he misses his buddy Giggy, who was noticeably MIA for most of the episode.

Lisa had received a 10K diamond bracelet when she was preggo with Pandora, and recently had it rebuilt into a $68,000 heart shaped engagement necklace for Pandora.

Guess they don’t do Best Buy gift cards.

For a final slap in Ken’s face, she engraved the back of the heart with code for “Mommy loves you,” probably scratching out the “Daddy” part on her way back from the jewelers.

To get her back, Ken re-gifts a $21,700 watch that Lisa gave him and wraps it up for Jason.  Take that you wannabe Barbie.

If I was Jason I would have put that thing on ebay and ran as far away as possible, but for whatever reason he chose to stick around and go through with the party.

Maybe he knew there would be a camel there.

That’s right.  Mohamed had a big ol’ camel to greet the guests as they arrived.  And snake charmers.  And tents.  And exceptionally flexible dancers.  And every whacky thing that Morocco could offer a tourist.  Honestly, he and Lisa would have spent less money if they just shipped everyone overseas on a cargo boat, but it’s Beverly Hills.

And that’s what we do.

The party was so out of control that I almost gave myself a Henna tattoo while I was sitting on the couch just to feel like I was a part of the festivities.  But it wouldn’t have been as Gangstah as the air brushed ink that Adrienne got sprayed on her bicep in the lobby.

I know, right?  $10,000 worth of jewels on her gladiator dress chest plate, and a Krylon stencil on her arm.  She is a keeper.

Snuck in the middle of all this was our first glimpse of Kim’s secret lover whom she met while he was picking up his ammo catalogs or Sopranos Netflix DVD or something out of  his mail box.

The whole thing would have been more exciting if there hadn’t been a camel.

Sorry, Kim.  Camels are way cooler.

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta: They’re Back! Before They Were Stars. Before Hair & Make Up People. Bloop!

Monday, October 31st, 2011

 

 

You wish, boys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OMG. That’s my real hair? Lawd have mercy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You might want to be Tardy for this Party. Just sayin’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh hell, no.

Lawd help Andy Cohen the next time he runs into Sheree Whitfield or Phaedra Parks in the Bravo TV cafeteria.

Would you want to be in his Ferragamos when he runs into those two Georgia peaches and has to explain why they didn’t make the cut for this week’s ATL Special?  I dare you.

As a little teaser and refresher course for next week’s Season Premiere, The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Before They Were Stars slapped us all in the face with enough sass, bad hair and “OhNoSheDin’t” NeNe-isms to guarantee that DVRs all across America are now set on Series Record.

Combining all the best re-enactment production stylings that Bravo could steal from 60 Minutes, E! True Hollywood Story and I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant without getting sued, they gave us a look into where some of our favorite ATL Housewives came from and…well…why they ended up like they are now.

Tastefully deciding to not subtitle the opening credits with “…except Sheree and Phaedra, who aren’t interesting enough…” the special focuses on over the top Housewives NeNe Leakes, Kim Zolciak, Kandi Burruss and Cynthia Bailey.  That last one must really have Sheree grinding her jaw given the fact that Cynthia and all her financial drama just showed up this past season, and apparently already eclipsed Sheree’s Community Theater acting career.

NeNe sez “Oh Snap.”

You knew right from the opening graphics, which were an odd mix of The Brady Bunch and any random ’80s sitcom of your choosing, that this was going to be classic Housewives.  After a summer away from the girls, everything seemed even more outrageous and expensive.

NeNe seemed even more NeNe.  Nobody loves NeNe more than NeNe loves NeNe.

Kandi’s crazy laugh still exploded out like a homegirl sitting on the stoop with her boom box, but even crazier now.  She’s still all wide eyed and fabulous.  She “owns this city.”

If that’s true, maybe she could do something to fix that nasty school system cheating scandal that was just exposed.  For real.  Google it or turn on CNN when Housewives is over.  It shouldn’t be my job to keep you up on current affairs…it’s Anderson Cooper’s.

Cynthia seemed prettier, except when they kept flashing back to her in no make up.  Yikes, thanks but no thanks.

And Kim’s boobs seemed even bigger, if that is even gravitationally possible.

Seriously, Kim?  There’s underwire, and then there’s the cable they use for suspension bridges.

NeNe sez “Girl, please.  Get real.”

Between NeNe, Cynthia and Kandi there were enough whacky friends and family members giving testimonials to fill an Atlanta arena.

If the arena was hosting the TV Land Good Times, Cosby Show, 227 Reunion Convention, that is.

Girrrl, please.

Memo to Bravo: Kandi’s Momma Joyce and Uncle Bebo and anyone else falling out of that family tree needs to be immediately given their own show.  I know times are financially tough, but it would be the best and cheapest show to produce.  Ever.  I swear.

Just prop a camera up around the kitchen table and walk away.  I guarantee you television gold.

Plus the money that you save on production costs for The Joyce & Bebo Show could be used to replenish the supply of push pins for the Bravo War Room Baby Daddy map, because I’m certain that you have to be running low after tagging every dude who ever knocked up an ATL Housewife and then left town.  For real.  The list went on and on tonight.  No wonder Momma gets all fidgety at dinner time.

My new ringtone is totally going to be Momma Joyce and “The Baby Daddy/Baby Momma Remix.”

NeNe sez “Close your legs…!”

But anyway.  The special followed each Housewife from their humble beginnings to their current OK! Magazine lifestyle.

NeNe relived her cheerleading years, her Sweetheart Trophy and 4H Club activities.  Since everyone in her family seems to share the same name, Aunt NeNe showed up to give us some insight into what our NeNe was like in school, and the tough period in her life when she was dealing with an abusive boyfriend.

In typical NeNe style, even when she was discussing a not so pleasant incident in her past, she made it fiercely clear that at the time she was wearing a pony tail weave that got pulled out.  Nobody touches NeNe’s weave.

Kim’s early years were typically Navy Brat, moving from town to town.  When they finally settled down, she got herself kicked out of Catholic School.  Try to act surprised.  Most of Kim’s past involved wanting to be a dancer, which I found a little surprising since she can’t sing or dance according to any Pride Week Tardy for the Party lip synch I’ve ever witnessed on the show.

I want to be an astronaut, but you don’t see me on the Shuttle, do you?

Without actually running an animated “Gold digger” crawl under Kim’s face, Bravo managed to point out that for quite some time she had no problem taking all of Big Poppa’s money, before suddenly switching gears and backing Kroy Biermann into a pregnant corner this year.

NeNe sez “Trailer trash.”

Cynthia was pretty much a text book story of getting discovered and becoming a high fashion model, with some step dad issues thrown in for good TV.

After pulling a George Jefferson and movin’ on up from the Projects to a nicer neighborhood, her life started to change.  She was the first Homecoming Queen at her school who was not pasty white, and when she was later competing with other Queens in some kind of pageant or whatnot, was spied by a rep for Willamina Modeling and the rest is Annie Leibovitz history.  Her modeling career was definitely more successful than her engagement career as she went through NBA players and Hollywood actors before settling down with Peter Thomas.

For those of you still trying to catch up, Peter is the man she just married last season in an extravagant Flintstone’s wedding under some massive dinosaur bones.  Can’t make this stuff up.

NeNe sez “Work it, girl.”

Kandi was the most legitimately famous of the girls before Andy Cohen laid the Housewives Golden Egg.  She beat boxed it out with her girls as part of the singing group Xscape and scored some Grammy trophies for her song writing.  I’m pretty sure she’s not on Beyonce’s speed dial, but Kandi did help keep Destiny’s Child on Billboard’s Top 100 long enough to hopefully get a Christmas card each year.

Not that it was a news flash by any means, but the special also touched on the fact that the Housewives like to talk and act and dress a little dirty some times.  From NeNe’s stripper days to Kandi’s instructions for sugar coating your HooHa, we were all reminded again why the kids need to go to bed before the show starts next week.  Thankfully Panasonic has not completely mastered Smell-o-Vision TV yet.

NeNe sez “Girl, you nasty.”

And now we just sit at home like Sheree and Phaedra, and wait for the new season of ATL to begin.  I don’t know about you, but I’ve got my snacks all ready.

Hold on to your wigs.  The Real Housewives of Atlanta is about to get all up in yo’ face again.

Bloop!


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