Posts Tagged ‘Reality TV Recap’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Snatch That Crown And Hit The Road. It’s Time To Pack Up And Head To Vegas, Baby. Game On!

Thursday, September 22nd, 2016

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So I never actually looked around here before. Cambrie got 7 different sets and I got a bathroom?

 

 

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No, look. I literally have two dents in my nose from the damn sunglasses that won’t go away.

 

 

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Hell yeah we’re rolling 40 Proof this weekend. Bring It!

 

 

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Now was it really that hard to get it right? I don’t even know what Math is but I figured it out.

 

 

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Gimme strength, cuz I’m about to save a horse and ride a cowboy right through that wall.

 

 

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Me? Just a banana hair clip and a black Old Navy V-Neck sweater. What are you wearing?

 

 

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I know when that bell rings, if I wake up with straight hair Imma go Aretha on somebody’s a**

 

 

 

And finally…

It’s time for Crowning.

Welcome back, e’rrybody.

Toddlers & Tiaras finally got around to handing out some headgear this week as the GemStars Heroes vs. Villains Pageant wrapped up its 14 episode arc.

Look.  Even Director Debbie Graston was all like ‘Can we just wrap this thing up so I don’t have to go out and feed the meter again, please?’

debOk.  Fine.  In actuality, it was probably less than 14 episodes.

But the new and improved Toddler 2.0 is apparently going to spread every pageant out over the span of a few weeks and then (…Spoiler Alert!…) maybe even randomly stick half a new episode onto the end of what you thought was just going to be last week’s storyline.  Like when your DVR somehow tapes the last half of one show and the first half of the next episode and then forgets to shut itself off.

And if you understood that, you’re a hardcore T&T fan.  And if you didn’t, you should probably be watching American Horror Story anyway.  Lady Gaga‘s on it, you know.

So, anyway.  It was time for crowning.  After one last hallway throw down.

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We picked up right where we left off last week with Mom Becky and her husband and his backwards sunglasses still accusing Mom Katie and her husband and his cowboy hat of being Trailer Trash and creating the fake FairPageantBureau.com website in an attempt to sabotage little Kaylee‘s chances at scoring a title.

They showed us the FPB email again…

fpb…except that this time the ‘Rebecca’ part was highlighted in yellow magic marker because Jimmy the Cowboy is the only person who ever calls Becky ‘Rebecca.’  

Which meant that there was no doubt in Becky/Rebecca’s mind that Katie was the Mastermind behind the whole elaborate scheme to purchase and set up a domain name through GoDaddy, create a fake website with WordPress, send out emails from an unsecured server and then wipe the hard drive so clean she could run for President.

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Allegedly, of course.

It’s complicated.

And it’s also why we’re 3 weeks in and there’s still nobody with a crown on their head.

Becky screamed at Jimmy.  Jimmy screamed at Becky.  Becky called them Trailer Trash about a million times and then Jimmy said “Yeah, I got horses and friends in low places” and then went outside with Katie and that Bow Tie Mom to…I dunno…feed ’em, maybe.

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For some comic relief, Katie rubbed her face all over the glass door like this…

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…except that it was her butt, not her face, which made Becky get all like Whaaaaa?glassAnd then somebody may or may not have called Katie a whore, which made Jimmy come storming back inside with his cowboy hat and blurred out Fresca and peanut M&Ms…

blur…yelling ‘You call my wife a whore?’...

dallas_aop…and getting all up in Becky’s husband’s face like…

fight…until some guy with a mustache showed up like a Redneck Ninja and broke up the party.

pillowIs it just me, or…?  Tell me that’s not the same guy.

My Pillow BoxThose pillows are proudly made in the USA, by the way.  ‘Merica.

And then Jimmy got all like “For the last time, my wife’s not a whore” before kicking open the door with his boot like they used to do on Gunsmoke and riding off into the sunset on his loyal Palomino steed.

Look at those Saloon Girls in the background.

jimmySide note:  Also look at those sunglasses.  They aren’t going anywhere.

sgOnce all that drama wrapped up, it was time to move on to new drama:  Crowning.

Tiny little squirt Selyse got the first lowball of the evening, because…remember…Pageant Math.  You don’t want to win anything at these things.  At least not until the end.

selyseTrue Fact:  That lady actually comes with the crown.  Her only job is to hold those giant things on your head so there’s no risk of paralysis before kindergarten.

Mom Kim thought Selyse’s award was BS, but blamed it on former coach Jaimie and knew that once they completed the transition to Cambrie’s Court, her baby would start winning.  Winning like a Boss.

If she ever figured out how to get home from Oz, that is.

ozWhat the what is that green room?

That bridge leads you right into the back wall, fercryinoutloud.

oz1Kidding.  That’s actually where they filmed Superman.  She’s just on a puppet break.

superman_green_screenThe next crown that nobody wanted went to Special Harlie, who didn’t even want to be there in the first place.  She took the 5-6 Princess title.  Because she’s 7.

Pageant Math.

giphy-2I know, right?

sideCheck out the #SideEye from that blonde chick.

My Boo Jayliana scored the next one.  7-9 Queen.  Whatever.

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#NaturalHairDontCare.

Side note:  I guess in Pageant Land, it’s not good enough anymore to just pop out a rib or two for a slimmer waistline.  Now they expect you to extract DNA, because JayBae actually had points taken off her score card at one pageant for not relaxing her ‘do.

boy-bye-serena-beyonce

Yeah.  What she said.

Cadence was awarded the next crown.

cadGlitz Mini Grand Supreme.  Which sounded pretty rad, but didn’t come late enough in the rankings so it made Mom Amy ugly cry out in the hall.

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Is there a body in that garbage bag or yes?

Oh, man.  I shouldn’t have said anything.  Now they’re both crying.

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#ProudMamas.

Poison Ivy Piper stole the Beauty Turquoise Supreme title, whatever that was.  I’m seriously starting to think the emcees are just making this s*** up as they go.tumblr_odtwtdqfod1tb8iyko4_500That’s actually a shot from this week’s Dance Moms, but it’s still how all the Moms were acting when they heard their kid’s names and it will get DM fans off my a** for not recapping Season 6.5…Everyone happy now?

Except Piper, I mean.

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Kaylee won Pink Diamond, which again sounded cool, but turned out to be a category that was supposed to be reserved only for kids who have not made more than $300 in their entire career.  Which pretty much makes me eligible for my first crown ever.

tumblr_odtwtdqfod1tb8iyko4_500I’d like to thank the Academy.

The final leg of cutie patootie Caitlyn‘s 2016 Redemption Tour paid off with a Glitz Grand Diamond Supreme crown, which nobody snatched off her head for a change.

wig-snatchLook at these two niblets.

One of us is gonna have to change and it’s not gonna be me.  #BitchStoleMyLook.

caitAnd to put this thing to bed, Riley shut the joint down by winning Ultimate Diamond Grand Supreme Deep Dish Double Cheese.  And the crowd went wild.

Mom Sheena was super excited, but not so much Jaimie, who got all like…

tumblr_m4yd0ybahz1r3e62yo1_500…and then made a pouty Kardashian Face to show her disdain for the results.

kkDid you see that article about how Kylie’s lip plumping whatchamacallit is actually made in the same factory that spits out $1.99 CVS chapstick?  We love Adele.

Needless to say, Katie wasn’t having it with any of those results.

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She felt that her daughter Piper should have won the Top Spot.

And would have won the Top Spot if she had not tripped on her gown.  Twice.

And then she took all the progress that our country has made on mental health legislation and set it back about 100 years by fake calling an Insane Asylum to come pick up Kim, Sheena and Becky and to lock them up in the same room that she herself had just escaped from last week.

kpI swear.  The sheets were still hanging out the window through the iron bars.

And you know that’s a joke, right?

Because you know I love all these (…allegedly…) crazy Moms.

And they don’t put bars on windows anymore.  They just bolt them shut from the outside with L brackets.  Google it.  It’s true, I swear.

The whole scene was enough to make you wanna pull out your own eyelashes.

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Doesn’t Katie look like she’s ordering takeout for the office?  Hold on.  One at a time.

kphoneWhich reminds me.

Where the hell is that waitress with my two styrofoam heads and hash browns?

waitressAnd then the next episode started!

hypExcept it was the same episode, ‘kay?

Because Toddler 2.0.  Don’t ask.

It doesn’t even matter how or why, really.  Because this was about to happen…

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We were back in Vegas.

Cambrie Littlefield‘s home turf.  And it was Game On, bitches.

Cambrie’s Court was about to go up against one of their toughest competitors in the bidnezz:  Top Models.  So it was time get serious.

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Ladies and Gentlemen…Amanda.

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Pageant Director/Coach at Top Models.

A woman who don’t play when it comes to pageants.  And a woman who has a penchant for wearing Michael Kors sunglasses on her head.

And Nisa.

n3Talent Coach at Top Models, who also don’t play when it comes to pageants and has a penchant for wearing sunglasses on her face.  At all hours.  And with every outfit.  And in every situation imaginable, looking like she just got dilated and had to drive herself home from the optician even though it specifically says on the eye drop bottle to call a friend.

Part Dr. Evil.

giphycatPart Invisible Man.

15819953anPart Yoko Ono on her craziest day.

LONDON, ENGLAND - JUNE 22: (EXCLUSIVE COVERAGE) Yoko Ono introduces a special screening of 'GasLand' as part of the BFI Screen Epiphanies series at BFI Southbank on June 22, 2013 in London, England. (Photo by Ben A. Pruchnie/Getty Images)Nisa is…well…she’s Nisa, dahling.snAnd Nisa doesn’t care for Cambrie, dahling.  Even though Cambrie is #Goals.

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Side note:  Dat dress, doe.  You could literally put Becky’s husband’s sunglasses on those things and they wouldn’t fall off.  Did I already say #Goals?  I forget.

Honestly, the best part about when Amanda and Nisa get together is the way Amanda looks at Nisa like she’s never seen her before.

an1Who is this?

an2No really.

see1Who is this?

seeAmanda’s daughter Landree also competes in the circuit, but Nisa sucked so much oxygen out of the room that I don’t remember anything except the $7,500 in kiddie pageant money that paid for the above-ground pool.  Because that totally happened.

And then Nisa picked up her dog/cat and told somebody that Cambrie should be a lady in the streets but a freak in the car before dramatically leaving the studio.

giphy-1One.  I don’t think that’s how the song really goes.

And Two.  I don’t think I even told that story in the right order.

20Still. #Goals.

Somewhere around here was when we met 5 year old Addison and her Mom Trish and her Mom Trish’s red eye shadow.

addredIf that wall was an adobe color, I’d swear she was the hostess at Olive Garden.

And doesn’t that seem like a lot of poop for such a tiny dog?  It took two people with two garbage bags an entire scene to pick up everything that came out of that hamster.

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At least we know why their eyes were burning.  Who left that in the hall?  You nasty, gurl.

bagPost-poop, Addison had a Skype coaching lesson with Amanda and Sia…skypeAustralian singer Sia arrives at the 57th annual Grammy Awards in Los Angeles, California February 8, 2015. REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni (UNITED STATES - Tags: ENTERTAINMENT) (GRAMMYS-ARRIVALS)…which cost them $125 per hour, probably because Sia is so famous.

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And then freakin’ FINALLY we got to spend time with Jayliana and her Mom Deborah, who was sprawled out on the couch putting back vino but not putting up with any crap.

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We heart Deb so hard.deb1

Mostly because she keeps an ice bucket literally on the couch next to her so she doesn’t have to get up.  And because she still has that one shoe on the sofa table.  And because she likes funky socks.  And because she’ll mess you up if you try and flat iron her kid’s hair without parental consent.

But mostly, mostly because she’s a riot.  Period.  End of story.

Whoa.  Looks like she dozed of there for a second.

debzzzNope.  She’s back.  Oh, yeah…Mama likes.

40I can’t even do justice to Deb’s rant about Pageant Mama Drama and taking a hiatus and coming back and blowing things out your blow holes and hitting somebody if they don’t shut up, so I’ll just raise my glass of pink slushie whatever that is and then sleep it off.

Side note:  Jayliana has a Michael Jackson Thriller costume just hanging in her room like it was nothing.  Because of course she does.

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Side note:  Cambrie dropped by to run JayBae through some Macbook powerpoint presentations where everyone’s hair seemed to really be on point.

mac And then we got hypnotized.  Really.

dcBecause that totally happened next.

Since Jayliana and two other little nuggets were having trouble keeping their smile-on during judging, Cambrie brought the whole Court over to some Vegas Hypnotist Dude’s PALACE home to help them stop smoking.

Or something.

vegasI dunno.

The fact that his house was bigger than the town I grew up in got me so twisted that I wasn’t paying attention.  Did you see that real estate?  That can’t be one person’s house.

Relax.  Sleepy.  Sleepy.  Cowbell.

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Then Pretty Feet.  And they were cured, I guess.

pillow2Disclaimer:  I’m dying to make a joke about how Mr. Vegas should’ve probably hypnotized this dude right here in the green polo to stop looking at Cambrie’s boobs, but I don’t know if that’s her Dad or not and that would just be gross.  So I won’t.

Please tell me that’s not her Dad, because the more I look at their noses I’m thinking I should probably hit ‘DELETE’ but it’s too late now.

Finally, it was Showtime!  The Supreme Me Pageant in Vegas, Baby.

And almost the end of this episode.  Because, you know…Toddler 2.0.

So we’ll whip a Nae Nae through this part, since it’s really a preview of next week.

Cambrie’s Court showed up on the TMZ Tour Bus.

tmzJayliana dropped a second Nae Nae.

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Everyone thought that Cambrie’s makeup guy Mykel Baca was going to also be doing makeup for all 73 of Amanda’s girls…

mbp  …until they got a call informing them otherwise.  A call which Amanda thought might at first be just a poorly executed prank by someone with too much time on their hands…

kphone…until they found out that it was true and confronted Cambrie, who pulled a fake call of her own, walking away saying she didn’t have time for their Mama Drama even though it was clear to everyone she was just holding the Weather App up to her head.

fakeMom Trish lost her noodle and said that this is the worst thing that could possibly happen (…trumping even cancer and the typhoon that wiped out an entire city last year, I guess…) and then made this face before threatening to book a flight back to Dallas asap.

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No makeup?  Sorry, kids.  It’s a scheduling thang.  Mykel made this face.

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A little peanut made this face, which was so sad I wanted to put lipstick on her myself.

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Nisa made this face.
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And now we just wait until next week.

When Jayliana gets her hair did and we all make this face.hairNisa.  One more time, please.
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Dance Moms: All The First Ladies…Put Your Hands Up! In DC, The Politics Of Dancing Give Chloe Her Revenge.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

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You need to stop hating on us New Moms. That strap looks exactly like a real Louis bag.

 

 

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What you need to do is give those tiny shorts back to your daughter and then maybe we can talk .

 

 

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If I had known that slapping her really voids your contract, Kelly and I would be at Disneyland today.

 

 

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Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie

 

 

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They were booty shorts. I used to send kids home with a note for hoochin’ up in those things.

 

 

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Do you think they’re coming back or can we start working on those mozzarella sticks over there?

 

 

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So am I the only one concerned that it says ‘suck’ and ‘flank’ on the board behind me? Really?

 

 

 

And so it begins.  Again.

The Road to Nationals.

Get used to hearing it.  A lot.

It’s a pretty big deal.  At least according to the Dance Moms Advisory System, because we’re already at Threat Level: Orange and there are still five weeks to go.

And you could tell, because as soon as Abby Lee Miller activated the Countdown Clock, everyone started running around like they were Jack Bauer trying to single handedly intercept a Candy Apples drone strike aimed directly at the ALDC.

I actually suggested to Lifetime TV that they incorporate the 24:Live Another Day digital ticker before every commercial break leading up to Nationals, but they haven’t responded yet.  I also suggested they pay me to write these hilarious recaps and send me advance DVD copies of each episode so I can get some sleep on Tuesday nights, but that hasn’t happened either.  I must have the wrong email address.

Regardless, even when Cathy Nesbitt-Stein has your studio in the crosshairs of an impending launch sequence, there’s still time for a quick Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for the latest reveal, the room was almost filled to capacity.  The Original Recipe Moms and dancers were once again joined by most of the New Select Moms and their offspring.  Hiatus is over.  Back to work, New People.

Reunited and it feels so good.

They were coming out of the woodwork.  Moms For Miles, which should totally be the name of a charity walk if it’s not already.

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Future City Council wife Loree and Jade were still hanging with the Original Moms, so the scale was tipped a little heavy on the Elite Team side of the room, which didn’t go unnoticed by the Select Moms.

Side note:  Every time they called themselves the Select Moms all I could think of was low-sodium soup or that dog food you have to cut with a knife.

Have you ever seen Freshpet Select at the store?  You should Google it.  It looks exactly like the Pillsbury Tollhouse Cookie sausage that you cut and bake.

Except that it’s dog food.

Trust me, you do not want to confuse the two when you’ve got the munchies at 3am after stumbling home from a frat party.  At least that’s what a friend told me, I mean.

At the Pyramid, there was only one Christi this week, so it was easier to keep track of who said what snarky thing to Abby.

Christi #1 was there behind Chloe.  Kristie #2 was off doing that Raising Asia show with the guy from Fame who used to have a mullet.  And Christ-y #3 was still banned from the studio and was presumably back home somewhere taking out the garbage.

Seriously.  This show sure has a lot of Christies.

Jeanette and Ava were back after spending time shopping at (…legally required disclaimer…) Not-Forever 21.  Tami and tiny Tea’ were also standing there, getting all OhNoYou’reNotStayingWithTheOldTeam as soon as they saw Loree.

My girl Kamryn even took a breather from over-achieving and managed to find some time to pop on another glitzy headband and hang with her New Team homies.  Mom Jodi was behind her looking all proud of the Kia Kamster’s recently awarded Nobel Peace Prize, even though she could barely see over her daughter’s head.

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Tracy and Sarah (…no ‘R’ needed this week since the other Sarah was MIA…) were also in the line-up, though I don’t think this Sarah actually talked during the entire episode.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MackZ, Chloe and Nia.  Middle row: Jade and Kendall.   

Jade had a really gorgeous headshot that thankfully didn’t incorporate fans or anything that would make Mom say “She looks the part” again.  How odd was that last week?

And then Maddie was at the top.  Rinse and Repeat.

FYI…just so you know.  I have it from a reliable source that they had to reshoot part of this scene because Holly‘s hip hop majorette outfit was showing underneath her long blue dress.  It’s true.  You could totally see the silver fringe.

I told you when Dr. Beyoncé started wearing her hair all clipped and swept to one side that I knew something was up.  That’s some serious Bring It! hair if I’ve ever seen it.

DB4L!

It was also nice to see that Melissa and my MomCrush Jill had finally worked out an arrangement where they would alternate who wore the Bump-It so there was no more unnecessary competition in that category.  You go, Mrs. Z-G and all your big hair.

Jackin’ it to Jesus like they used to say on Toddlers & Tiaras.

This week the mob scene was headed to Washington, DC for the Believe Dance Competition.  Ava scored a ‘Drizzle’ solo (…like the rain, not the ice cream syrup…) which got her very excited.  Maddie was also handed a solo which was going to be set to music written specifically for her, because apparently she is now also an inspiration to songwriters as well as all the kids down at Miss Tina’s School of Tap.

(Spoiler Alert:  You just wait till this song lady shows up.)

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Miley Cyrus licked a sledge hammer and sat naked on a Wrecking Ball to beat out Sia at the VMAs this week, BTW.  Which was not cool.  Not cool at all.  Maddie was robbed.

The New Team would dance a group routine entitled ‘First Ladies’ which was right up Loree’s alley if you’ve ever seen her Bucket List.  But unfortunately she and Jade stayed with the Old Team, which would be doing a number called ‘America Gone.’

Side note:  I’m calling them Old and New from now on, because I keep losing track of Elite and Select and Junior Elite and Junior Select and Normal ALDC labels.  This show has really gotten to be a lot or work lately.

Oh.  And Chloe got booted to the New Team to balance things off a little.

Christi Meltdown in 3…2…1.

As the New Moms hit the Old MomPerch (…see how much work this is now?…) the Old Moms (…no offense intended…) and one relocated New Mom headed outside for some fresh air and smack talk.

Honestly, I don’t even remember what they talked about before they went back inside because they were all standing in front of a new secret door that we’d never seen before.  What is that?  With the pink awning?  Did you see that?  Is that a yogurt place?  Because that would be awesome after a long rehearsal.  It didn’t match the ALDC door, so now I need to know what’s going on over there.

Remember how the Candy Apples joint had that secret attached beef jerky store that we never saw until Chloe put on a meat dress?  Maybe that’s a thing now.  (Lucrative side businesses…not meat dresses.)

Anyone reading this in Pittsburgh who can scoot over on their lunch break and tell me what the dealio is?  I’d be forever grateful and I’ll even cover your mileage if it’s a hike.

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The next day, ALL the Moms ended up outside again.  The Old ones and the New ones.  And we probably need to talk about these shorty shorts that Jeanette and Tami insist on wearing every day.

What the what?  OMG.  Mom, you’re embarrassing me.  Totes McGotes Embar.

You know Holly was dying inside.  Dying.  Jill, on the other hand, didn’t even try to hide her smirk and just made me love her more.  When she pretends to be having issues with her bangs…that’s VertesCode for Hot Mess.

And what’s with the pervy camera man who always shoots them from behind every time they wear those things?  Cuz he does.  You saw it.  And I saw it.  Remember when Tami threw down in the lobby and then walked outside?  Butt shot.

And he did it again this time as the Old Moms went inside and the New Moms wandered off into the distance.  And where do they keep going that they always need to walk away from the building in the middle of taping?

I’ll bet you a FroYo with sprinkles from the pink awning store that next week it’s in slow motion like Baywatch.

Rant is over.  Moving on.

Clearly, shifting Chloe to the New Team had really gotten under Christi’s skin, because she didn’t let up for a minute about how they were all now set up to fail.  She was super-sizing her negativity this week.  Ava is the sacrificial lamb going up against Maddie and Jade.  Blah Blah.  And one more Blah.

And then Rachel Sage showed up to celebrate National Maddie Day by singing a special Maddie Song.  And it was…colorful.

Google her.  We loved her.  She’s a SoHo BoHo WhoaNo independent visual artsy singer songwriter type who looks exactly like you’d imagine someone would look if they had filmed Blue’s Clues in Greenwich Village and made a puppet out of construction paper and glitter that came to life once you found the magic unicorn dust.

Exactly like that.  But with a flower in her hair.

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She was borderline obsessed with Maddie and had written her a coffee shop guitar song with a chorus that went something like “None of the other girls matter.”  I forget exactly.

Everyone was a little WhoaNoSheDin’tJustSingThat.  Especially Christi, who was really not having a good week.  But Rachel meant well.  I even put on my felt beret and finger snapped when she was done.  It’s a look that I might hold on to for Fall until it gets cold.

As the competition got closer, Christi got crankier, Ava fumbled around with her drizzly umbrella prop and Loree invited all the New Moms to lunch so they could discuss why everyone thought she was a traitor.

Side note:  Jeanette wore a Not-Forever 21 top in an interview sniglet that had a big knife gash across the chest, which I sincerely hope didn’t happen when she was alone in the parking lot wearing those booty shorts.  Maybe that’s why they always travel in packs.  I’d hate for anything to happen to any of them.

Should probably also mention that somedays Jeanette has some seriously curly Flashdance hair going on up there.  Just needed to be addressed.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like her.  She’s kinda crazy.  I’m just not sure what kind of crazy she is yet.

At the New Mom luncheon, two Old Moms snuck in as back-up for Loree.  Jill and Melissa joined them either to stir the pot or have some free wings on Loree’s dime, neither of which went over very well with the New Moms.

Apparently all the drama stemmed from the fact that the New Moms had been together a whole whopping TWO weeks before the hiatus and now Loree couldn’t understand why they still weren’t all Besties.

Two weeks?  Really?  Honey, when I was a freshman in college and lived in a triple at the dorm I didn’t even know my third roommate’s name for a month.  Take it down a notch.

Luckily, Melissa forgot to put quarters in the meter and the three of them left as soon as they got there, so not much was accomplished aside from leaving way too many untouched tasty appetizers on the table.

tami

Gah.  There are starving kids in Boston, ladies.

I don’t even know what kind of tulle ballet skirt looking thing Christi was wearing in the next MomPerch scene when she threw Jeanette to the Abby Wolves down in the studio, so we just need to skip this one completely.  I’m serious.

Bonus Points to Gianna for either being aggressively firm in her Pro-Umbrella stance or being a total beeotch when Jeanette tried to get the prop taken out of Ava’s dance.  The jury is still out on that one, but clearly…Gia don’t play.  Triple points, actually.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Umbrellagate.

Did they switch umbrellas in the middle of the routine?  Did they film two versions and fake out the part where it turned inside out on stage?  Why did it look like a lighter blue by the end of Ava’s dance?

So many unanswered questions that everyone posted on Twitter with incorrect spelling last night.  Oy Vey.

I dunno.  But Ava’s umbrella popped inside out like it does to me every time I come around the corner by Burger King.  You’d think I’d learn by now, because even when I don’t do a split into a belly arch my umbrella still reverses itself and I’m out another $3.99.

Yes, I buy the cheap ones from the Lotto place when it starts raining.  Don’t you judge me.

Backstage, Abby went bazoinkers.  Ava sat on her Mom’s lap (…what?…) and fanned herself with her hand like she was getting all verklempt at a Barbra Streisand concert.

I swear to Gawd she did that.

Get off yo’ Mama!  (Abby said that, not me…)

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Both group routines were comparable in skill set and level of difficulty (…and you said I could never be a judge…) but the New Team ended up winning First Place.  Again.

Which totally should have been given to Melissa and Jill for the MomDance they busted out in the seats.

I told them they should have been entered in the Duet category, not Group.  They never listen to me anymore ever since that one time I suggested Jill dye her hair blonde.  One time I mess up.  One time.

The Old Team came in Second, but only by 1/10th of a point, which I don’t even know how you’d calculate without one of Kamryn’s NASA calculators and eleven fingers.

Ava came in Third Place and had a really good cry backstage.  Some little girl they refused to show placed Second.  And then Maddie took home the trophy for her bluesy Blue’s Clues routine.  I snapped again with both hands (…Richy Jackson would have been so proud…) and then popped an espresso K-Cup into my new Keurig.

There were also some oddball editing moments where people’s hats were on and then off and then on again.  (Yeah…I’m talking to you, Ava.)

Somebody upstairs needs to stop staring at Tami’s a** and pay attention to continuity.

Holly’s hair never really held a curl this week, so you know the drama must have been pretty low key.  Next week looks a little more bouncy.

Abby invited Tea’ to come back to the ALDC again.  Which meant that Tami would probably also be back again.

Which meant that Tami just did the exact same thing that she dissed Loree for doing the week prior.  Now who’s the traitor?

And that loud church lady will be back, too.

You heard it here first.

And now I’m overheating just thinking about it.

Pardon me while I go fan myself.

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Toddlers & Tiaras Flashback: Pass The Pixie Stix, Please. It’s Another Look Back At Classic Glitter Girl Moments.

Friday, November 8th, 2013

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Oh.  Hell.  No.

This just ain’t right.

Still banging your head against the wall because Toddlers & Tiaras has gone away?

Having trouble detoxing after six seasons of sugar buzzing?  Missing the sweet taste of Tinker Tea on your tongue and the residue of tanning overspray on your kitchen table?

Well, you’re not alone.  Seems like a lot of people are having trouble dealing with TLC’s sudden decision to shut off our pageant crack pipeline.  Coming down’s the hardest part.

And I hate to see anyone suffer, so I’ll take another one for the team and rewind a few more classic Glitter Girls Gone Wild moments to help everyone deal with the loss.

Because I feel your pain.

26770285eBtYou can never go wrong with money and snacks.  Right, Paisley?

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Any outfit looks better with attitude and a Ni-Ni.  Right, Makenzie?

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‘B’ is for Boy.  ‘D ‘is for Diva.  Put ’em together and you just spelled Brock.

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Seriously.  After that one, I got nuthin’.

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Bitch, I’m out.

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