Posts Tagged ‘Reality TV Recap’

Toddlers & Tiaras: It’s Boogie Shoes And Performance Enhancing Pixie Stix When Bailey’s Pageants Goes Disco.

Friday, June 7th, 2013

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Shut Up with these sick shoes. I am so totally wearing them to the next Real Housewives of Texas Reunion Show.

 

 

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Hand to Gawd. It’s only sweet tea, soda, pixie stix and that stuff they give to greyhounds before the race starts.

 

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Bitch, please.

 

 

 

 

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Oh yeah. Dat’s what I’m talkin’ about. Who’s yer Daddy? These’ll make you spit your cupcakes out, ladies. Pow. Pow.

 

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Srsly. Is it just me, or does that man with the Popeye arms smell like baby oil and Axe sport spray?

 

 

 

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Ok. Don’t tell JD, but I tried that Tinker Tea and that s*** is off the hook. My hair was straight when I woke up this morning.

 

 

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Whatchoo lookin’ at? Hell, yeah I’m drinking straight sugar out of a sippy cup. Maybe you should just find your seat, cuz it’s Go Time.

 

 

 

 

Umm…yeah.

So Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Is there a problem?  Cuz if there is, maybe we should just take this outside and settle it.

Or maybe over there by the weight bench, and see who can max out on tricep dips.

Gold’s Gym or Bailey’s Pageants.  What’s it gonna be, you little pussy?

Whoa.

Sorry.  Didn’t mean to get so aggressive.  Apparently I’m still coming down from either Roid Rage or Pixie Pump, because this week’s premiere was definitely jacked up on sumthin.  Biceps and Booties were literally poppin’ up and out everywhere you looked.

And except for the sudden crash after the closing credits, you know I love me some Toddlers & Tiaras.  Not to mention platform shoes.  And Tonya Bailey.

So when Bailey’s Pageants put ’em all together for the Disco Fever Pageant…it was an incurable case of Boogie Fever.

Pageant Director Tonya got the disco ball rolling by explaining how this whole extravaganza was gonna go down.  And it was gonna go down hard.

The pageant was full Glitz, and if you don’t know what that means by now, there’s really not much I can offer you this late in the game.  Sparkle and Tans and Big Hair and Glitter and Confetti and Laser Tag and who knows what else.  Just make it Glitz.

Tonya always gets really excited over her pageants.  Like wide eyed excited, which is how you should get if you just spent all that money on Ramada security.  And this time, since she wasn’t wearing her signature Swarovski crystal pirate eye patch, you could really see her enthusiasm.

Sometimes she reminds me of a long lost friend who is so excited to see you that she forgets to blink, and other times I flash back to the look your Mom gave you when she first found that Playboy magazine under your mattress.  Hypothetically, of course.

But either way, Tonya was excited to be getting her disco down.

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Not only is Tonya big on eyes, but she’s also big on props.  And this time it was a Studio 54 Jimmy Choo stiletto.  Thank you Disco, for this shoe…which…umm…ok.

It was really more the kind of shoe that you’d thank your pimp for, but whatever…she’s paying.  She can thank the Academy if she wants to.  She’s Tonya.

The Grand Supreme deep dish winner this week was going home with…well…with basically a second summer home, I guess.  A ginormous (…say it with me…) $15,000 toy house from Lilliput Play Homes, and the thing was massive.

One:  Tonya.  Honey.  Where the hell are you supposed to put that monster?  You tell me half the Moms weren’t throwing the score just so they didn’t have to tear down the garage to make room for that thing.  I couldn’t afford the property taxes, much less the zoning ordinance fees.

Two:  Props to the dude from Lilliput Play Homes who had to walk around in public with a button down shirt that said Lilliput Play Homes on it and not get beat up on the playground.

Our first little princess was 2 year old Alexa and Mom Tori.  Seriously cute.

She had the kind of face you just wanted to squish it was so cute.  But you’d have to catch her first.  And good luck with that, because Mom puts Super Premium in her tank.

Alexa drinks coffee.  Just one cup a day, though.  Since she was 9 months old.

That’s right.  I didn’t even know what my own toes were used for when I was 9 months old, but apparently Alexa knows how to place an order at Starbucks.  Mom said one cup was not an abundancy, which rhymes with redundancy…and neither word makes sense.

Clearly, through the magic of television editing, it looked like Alexa slugged it down from morning to night, with no caffeinated nap time in the middle.  But if that was the case, we’d be trying to track her down on America’s Most Wanted or she’d be running the Olympics next to Usain Bolt, and neither of those things happened during the episode.

But Mom clearly loved her daughter, and that’s always the most important thing if I’m gonna sit through all this crazy every week.  All the parents did.  And supporting your kids is key.  You heard it here first.

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Alexa also talked in the best baby gibberish.  Evah.  And it needs to be my new outgoing voice mail message immediately.  Sorry I can’t come to the play in the water look so listen no I don’t…..unicorn.  Beep.

I have no idea what she said for most of the show, and it usually had nothing to do with the subject at hand or the questions she was asked.  But who cares?  When TLC waves the white flag and doesn’t even try to subtitle her ramblings ten minutes into the show, then you know it’s good stuff.  Did I mention cute?

Down the road a bit they were a little more focused, thanks to protein shakes, ginseng and grilled chicken with the skin off.

Between reps in her Fisher Price gym, we met 4 year old Brooke, Stepmom Linda and Dad Lou Ferrigno, better known as JD.

Dad liked to Pump.  It.  Up.

He was a competitive bodybuilder who only believed in extreme lifting, extreme healthy eating and those extreme animal print MC Hammer pants that they all wear down at Mike’s Gym.

Granted, we never actually saw him rocking any Zubaz (…please tell me that someone else remembers those…) but you know he totally had a pair in the closet hidden behind a FedEx box from BodyBuilding.com.  Linda was a fitness model and Brooke got Muscle Milk if she didn’t mess up her practice sessions.  Booyeah.

JD pretty much sealed his fate in the pageant world by blatantly making fun of thick girls and Honey Boo Boo‘s Mom before reenacting the opening sequence of a He-Man cartoon.  It wasn’t pretty.  And he swore that he didn’t like to judge people.  But when your biceps are bigger than your head, I guess you sometimes say things that really piss off everyone in line at Walmart.

The last contestant this week was sassy 3 year old Janeyah and Mom #1 Toya and Mom #2 Naye Naye.

I know, right?  Two Moms.  Dos Mamás.  How progressive.

They totally looked like they should be sharing the middle box in Hollywood Squares back in the day, like those two whacky ladies from 227 or something.

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(OMG.  If your favorite show right now is Bunheads, you may have to Google it to get that last joke.  But trust me…a long time ago, in a galaxy far away, there were non-HD sitcoms.  I swear.  And you couldn’t watch them online.)

Mom and Mom were like VH1 meets BET meets LOGO TV.  And they were a hoot.

Janeyah (…JaNEIGHaah…not Jane-Yeah like some internet doofs were saying after the show…) was diva sassy sassy diva all the way.  She kept saying “Spread Your Leg Out” which had something to do with disco I assumed, but it reminded me too much of NeNe Leakes telling Kim Zolciak to “Close Your Legs To Married Men” on one of the Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Shows, and before you knew it the whole NeNe vs. Naye Naye thang got me so confused I had to walk away for a second.

Mom 1.0 had Type 2 Diabetes and tried to pay attention to what Janeyah ate so she didn’t overdo the sugar intake, which was a smart move.  Just a thought, but she might want to avoid any future play dates with Alexa just to be safe.  I’m sure that JD, on the other hand, would be more than happy to have GiGi (…why isn’t it JayJay?…) come over and learn how to use his Montel Williams juicer.  Or she could join them at the roller disco, because that totally happened before the pageant.

Speaking of Alexa.  After she had drained her Box o’ Joe, Mom whipped up another special cocktail to get her through some mid-day pageant rehearsing.

Go-Go Juice is so 2012, people.  It’s all about the Tinker Tea now.  Soda, sweet tea and a 12 pixie stix shooter.

BOOM goes the dynamite.

Alexa tore through Amber Tatum‘s dance studio like Speedy Gonzales in a hair bow until somebody suddenly hit the Pause button on her DVR and she just stopped moving.

NASA calls it a crash & burn, I believe.

Amber said working with Alexa while she was tanked up on TT was like trying to put two cats in a bag, which I thought was a little goofy, since I don’t think putting one in a bag would be any easier.  Two cats would be a bit of an abundancy, don’t you think?

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The other little princesses also worked on their routines a bit, but nothing too jaw dropping hit the screen other than Janeyah singing “We’re going to the pageant” so many times that I thought Mom 2.0 was going to tape her up inside that giant box they were gift wrapping for the stage.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Tonya showed us the difference between a fake smile and a real smile, which turned out to be no difference, and then we got down to disco bidnez.

(Side note:  I was oddly fascinated by those gigantic sparkly crowns that had a little disco ball dingle dangling in the middle like a Charlie Brown tree.  I kinda need one, for some reason.  And I have a huge head, so they may have finally found someone who fits into those things.)

My boy Todd Bailey was back as emcee.  Still looking like the lost Backstreet Boy with those frosted tips, he’s my new spotter at the gym.  He just doesn’t know it yet.

Not gonna lie…now that I know he’s actually Tonya’s husband and not some  young lover that she picked up in the hair care aisle on Cougar Double Coupon Day, I’m a little bummed.  In my head it was such a great story that I may still use it anyway.  She could be lying, right?

Alexa looked like Kellie Pickler sucking down Tinker Tea at the CMAs.  Her one-on-one interview spots pretty much gave me life.

Janeyah brought her “A” Game and had some pretty sassy Showtime at the Apollo hair going on up there.  She froze on stage for a second in the Beauty part, but the two Hollywood Squares ladies snapped her out of it pretty quickly.

Brooke was really dragging.  And crying.  And since JD had banned all unnatural pixie stix from their medicine cabinet, he and Linda scooted her into the ladies room (…ie…out of sight from what must have been a male camera guy…) and pumped her full of a mystery beverage that looked a lot like Red Bull on a foggy day.  At first I thought it was just my eyes glassing over from all the aerosol and glitter at the hotel, but then I realized that they blurred out the label.  But it was Red Bull.

Go read the online stories about Red Bull.  Something about Vietnam and heads bursting off at the neck or something.  I’ll stick with my Tinker Tea, thanks.

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The Disco Wear portion was exactly what we’ve all come to expect from the Disco Wear portions.  Except for JD, who jumped up on stage to assist Brooke in her routine.

Wearing nothing but an afro wig and Under Armour man panties, he flexed and did pushups and basically forgot that it was supposed to be Brooke’s day to shine.  I didn’t think it was possible, but somehow Tonya’s eyes got even bigger, and one lady in the audience fell out of her banquet chair.

Maybe it was just me, but with that nappy ‘fro and that roll-on, spray-on tan that they use for body building shows, he almost looked like Al Jolsen on steroids.  Am I right?

Pageant Mammy, how I love you.

It’s 2013.  I don’t know if I’d be taking that act on the road anytime soon, dude.

Brooke’s real Mom Vanessa showed up to watch her daughter compete, and after the musclepalooza she pretty much let the world know she thought her ex-husband was a Dbag.  She didn’t come right out and say it, but when a person swallows their gum, rolls their eyes and then says that “Yeah…he’s…umm…he’s something alright” you pretty much know she de-friended him on Facebook and threw out the two pair of lifting gloves that he left at her place.

Everyone did their thing.  And then some kids won some stuff.

None of the three tiny tots won that summer home.  They were all bummed.  But it is what it is, so build a pillow fort like the rest of us and get over it.

What really mattered was that waaaay in the background during the crowning flashmob was crazy Jessica McClamroch and all her crazy Mom hair and baby Ava.

Hey, Girlfriend.  Nice herrrrr!

Yup.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

Wednesdays.  9pm.

And Tinker Tea and crumpets at noon, of course.  Cuz we’re klassy like dat.

Sparkle, baby.

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Dance Moms Reunion Part One: The Real Housewives Of Pittsburgh Are Back To Stir Up More Mama Drama.

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013

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I would have called you sooner, but you know I don’t get cell service inside that damn karaoke bar.

 

 

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That’s it. I’m outta here. Nobody talks to me like that while there’s a full table of snacks out back. Mama needs a nosh.

 

 

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If I wasn’t wearing my Spanks right now I’d be all up in that chick’s grill.

 

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I have no idea where the exits are located. I’m literally trapped in here with these crazy hens. Realz.

 

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And then I went like this, and used my psychic maternal healing power to cure Mackenzie’s f***d up toe.

 

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Bitch. Please.

 

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And then they bring in this hot new Mom with giant earrings and boobs out to here. So not fair.

 

 

And here we go again, folks.

Grab a cocktail, or two or ten, and settle in for another Dance Moms Reunion.

The Real Housewives of Pittsburgh were back this week to rehash the latest round of studio stress and dancing dramz, in what was either a season ending get together, a mid-season filler, or simply an excuse to put on fancy dress up clothes and get out of doing housework again.

Your guess is as good as mine.

As you can tell, I’m not really clear on how they work this whole scheduling thing out since the show is already advertising next month’s June Premiere.  (Set your DVRs and plug in the blender.)  So it’s not like they’re getting a full Summer hiatus like CSI and then coming back, months from now, with a two page spread in that special edition of TV Guide.

Like I’ve said before, it’s probably more like a month off from filming just to wash out some leotards and detox all the alcohol out of their system before the next round of competition.  You need to be on your game when it’s time for Nationals.

Regardless, they were back.  And back in that odd little basement studio with the bad lighting and Mardi Gras beads.

I know, right?  I don’t get it, either.

With all the money that Dance Moms and Jane Seymour movies bring in for Lifetime, I still can’t figure out what they’re all doing down there.  It’s almost like some youtube wannabe had booked that studio for the day, but finished early and offered up the same set to the Dance Moms people since it was already paid for through midnight.

And remember last time, at the Fall Reunion (…as opposed to whatever this one is called…) when they classed it up and all sat in those Andy Cohen knock-off couches like the New Jersey ladies?  Granted, instead of Bellagio chandeliers they had a lot of HomeGoods knick knacks cluttering up the joint.  But it was still a couch.

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I dunno.  Maybe the Spring version goes in the basement, and the real end of the season one gets a couch.  If I don’t even understand the difference between technical and artistic scores, I can’t be expected to figure out the intricacies of studio rental fees.

Anyway.

As always, my boy Jeff Collins was back to host and squirm and change subjects on a dime.  He cracks me up.  But in a good way.  We’re tight, you know.

Just by the look on his face, it’s pretty clear that way back on that historic day when he first dreamed up the whole Dance Moms concept (…while listening to some Broadway musical soundtrack on one of those radios that you can take in the shower, no doubt…) Jeff never thought that years later, he’d actually have to be the one sitting in a dark, windowless room with all these crazies.

Watch him, and then tell me he doesn’t look like the commander of some submarine who can’t open the escape hatch in an emergency.

Love me those Dance Moms.

For you technical types who are into this kind of thing, I should also note that this year the production people have been busting out that two camera confessional shot a lot.

You know the one.  The one where sometimes the person is looking right into the camera and yakking, and then sometimes they are shot slightly from the side looking off into space.

Which I guess works for MasterCard commercials and The Real World when trashy chicks get totally wasted, but on Dance Moms it tends to look like they don’t know which camera has the flashing red light.

Just saying.

Abby Lee Miller was first on the scene, of course, and played a little word association with Mr. Collins to loosen everybody up before the good stuff.

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After dissing Melissa a bit, they called her out from the Green Room, which seemed to catch one of the crew members completely off guard and sent him racing onto the set with her booster seat.  On camera.  Get off Facebook and pay attention, dude.  We only have the studio until midnight.

Melissa talked about her wedding.  The Wedding.  Which was secret, and then wasn’t, and then happened so fast that none of the other Moms even showed up for the event.

Melissa admitted to trying to get the nuptials televised, but her previously married, then still married while dating, then divorced and now newlywed-ed (…did I just make up a new word?…) Greg Gisoni didn’t want cameras at the blessed event.

So William and Kate got all the Royal coverage, while Melissa and Greg just signed some papers in the living room, took a few iPhone movies and called it a day.

As much as I love me some Jeff Collins, his transitional questioning still leaves a little to be desired.

Moving On.  Anyway.  Changing Gears.  He’s like that kid in junior high that starts talking about his World of Warcraft character’s wicked awesome weaponry arsenal for no reason at all while you’re in the middle of discussing how your BFF just texted your boyfriend while you were at cheer practice.

Pump the brakes, man.  Don’t slam ’em or somebody might get hurt.

All of the sudden he cuts off Melissa and asks Abby about the time that Holly called her a Monstrosity of Evil.  Which was classic, I’ll give him that one.  Classic.  But Melissa wasn’t done raving about her kids.

After announcing on national television that Holly had cankles, Abby and Jeff welcomed Nia‘s Mom (…and her allegedly fat shoe toppers…) to the studio audience.

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Once again, Holly showed amazing posture and her Proud Mama Face.  In three seasons I don’t think I’ve ever seen that woman slouch in her seat.  Unfortunately, she barely had time to discuss Nia’s RND symptoms before you could hear Kelly and Christi scratching at the back door.

Let’s get this party started.

Apparently, Kelly and Christi still had some outstanding issues regarding the breakdown of their friendship earlier in the season.  Or they were having a 6th grade cafeteria fight over who stole who’s Justin Bieber glitter stickers .  It was hard to tell.

You didn’t call me.  Na Huh…yes I did.  No you didn’t.  I called you three times.  Melissa said out by the monkey bars that you called from her house, which is a lie.  No way, I did call.  Ask her.  Melissa says you always make s*** up.  Yeah, well Melissa is a big poopie head.

Keep in mind that their entire falling out this season was based on Chloe not being able to keep a Bob Fosse hat on her head.  Or something.  I forget.  But being blessed with a massive Pez Head myself, I feel your pain, sistah.

Then all of the sudden while Christi was blowing off steam, Abby walked off the set like she had left her baby in the car.

That’s it.  She’s done.  Outie.

Someone say Snacks in the Green Room?  Thanks for playing.

Before Kelly and Christi went face down in the sandbox, Jeff dripped a little flop sweat and called for Jill, who proudly sashayed out completely Bump-It-Free and no longer sounding like some Cougar waiting for the pool boy to show up with his massive…ummm…pool swabbing stick.

Bow Chick A Vertes.

As long as Jill swears to never Gangnam Style again, we’re good.

Jeff ground his gears again and asked Kendall‘s Mom about all those secret private lessons and her water balloon fight with Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein.

I’m starting to think those two women don’t along very well.

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Then it was a Momapalooza as all the Dance Moms lined up their high chairs and started talking over each other.

We relived the Tribute Dance for dead puppy Broadway Baby, the lack of formal invitations to Melissa’s wedding and Mackenzie’s on again/off again mystery foot ailment.

Melissa actually choked on it for a second and admitted that she regretted using a dead dog in her master plan to regain First Place positioning on the Mom Pyramid, and then danced around the whole foot thing again.

Jill stood up for Mackawhacka’s seniority when it came to dancing on The View, even with a hot mess of a toe, while Christi insisted that the whole thing was still a set up to prevent the little nugget from having to go head to head against Miss SassyPants Asia the week prior.

Trust me, I would back my car right up over my own foot before I’d twerk a booty pop against that tiny firecracker.  Monet Ray?  Oh Hey.

And then Jeff asked “Who wants to talk about Cathy?”

Well, yeah…duh…I raised my hand, but I’m not sure he could really see me.  That might only work on Romper Room through the magic mirror.

(Look it up, kids.  It’s a hilarious reference for us old timers.)

And then with a puff of smoke, Chaos Cathy burst up through the Yellow Brick Road to terrorize all the dancing Munchkins.

Cathy immediately started waving her award-winning jerky in everyone’s face, claiming that Abby was jealous of the Candy Apples.  Abby countered with some whacked out story about pent up water pressure accidentally forcing the cap off her Poland Springs bottle during the infamous backstage Slip ‘N Slide throw down.

Seriously.  She did.

Sorry, but unless that 16 oz piece of plastic was attached to a working city fire hydrant, I’m gonna have to give this round to Cathy.  Nice try, though.

Then it was a discussion about choreographer Anthony Burrell calling out Paige from the audience during her group dance performance last week, which crumbled into an argument on what dance teachers can and can not say under the legal guidelines for “critiquing.”

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The short version was that you can publicly make fun of a kid, but not call their Mom a Bitch unless you really want to go there.

According to Abby, somehow during the water fight, Cathy’s tiny little purse had managed to find its way to the back of Abby’s head, causing immediate bruising, emotional duress and something that probably sounded like Julia Child tenderizing a juicy slab of raw beef.  And there were photos to prove it.

Yeah.  Melissa drew the short straw and had to snap a few shots of Abby’s bare, battered (…bare battered, not beer battered…) back, which I’m totally Googling after I’m done writing this.

Can you even imagine?

I should also point out that throughout the Reunion Show there were random questions from audience members, who I’m going to assume had either won a contest or drawn a lucky number out of one of those hats that kept falling off the kids’ heads all season.

I don’t how that worked either.  But that shizzle is totally going on Instagram, you know that.  Because they were darn excited to be in the basement in the presence of such dancing awesomeness.  Except for a few Dads who appeared to have either lost a bet or needed to be there in exchange for who knows what kind of future favors.

Jeff also tossed in some dance numbers whenever he needed a drink to sooth his nervously dry mouth.

The last routine was a group number.  Complete with Miss SassyPants herself…Asia!

So you know what that meant, right?  Do the math.  That meant that her Mom JLo was somewhere in the building.

Boom!  Kristie with a K was in the hizzle!

I could just feel it already.  And it gave me life.

Because.  We.  Love.  Her.

But then it was over.  Until next week, anyway.

Part Two.

When this happens, mmmkay?:

Let’s Go, Bitches.

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Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: Y’All Hear The Vajiggle Jaggle Of Wedding Bells? June & Sugar Bear Got Hitched.

Sunday, May 5th, 2013

honeyboobooOr did they?

Only TLC and the head cashier at the Kuntry Stoe know for certain.

It was Cinco de Mayo meets Cartoon Network meets that aisle in Walmart that stocks all the camouflage hunting gear and canned deer urine as Mama June Shannon and her front yard Santa Sugar Bear tied the knot today.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo just taped an episode for the upcoming new season that might give even Luke and Laura a run for their matrimonial money.

I mean, really.  Who needs Elizabeth Taylor when you’ve got Uncle Poodle and a three thumbed baby in your wedding party?

I know I can’t be the only one getting secretly antsy waiting for the return of Toddlers & Tiaras reigning breakout star on July 17.  Man can not live on sketti and cheeseballs alone.  It just can’t be done.

I need me some Boo.

But until Alana, Pumpkin, Chubbs, Chickadee and Kaitlyn Elizabeth all mud bog back onto our television screens, we’ll have to settle for the official photos from today’s Redneckulous nuptials.

Everyone is being a little vague on whether this was the real 4-wheelin’ deal or not, and whether they are officially hooked as they say down at the Bait Shop.

But c’mon…does it really matter?  It’s Honey Boo Boo Child.

And it looks like the Coupon Queen just tied the knot with her Skoal Pinchin’ Prince.

In that dress.

It is what it is, people.

I’ll chug to that.

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