Posts Tagged ‘Ron Lyerly’

Toddlers & Tiaras: Pop It. Lock It. And Lose It. The Hollywood Starz Hip Hop Pageant Is Da Bomb. Just Ask Thalya.

Saturday, October 12th, 2013

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Dude. I gotta tell you. These pixie stix are way better than any of that s*** we had in the ’60s. I’m still straight buzzin’.

 

 

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I had no idea that African cheetahs invented Hip Hop either. But look who’s wearing a crown now, honey.

 

 

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They’re lucky my blood sugar is low or I’d go right back inside and get all Jerry Springer on someone’s a**.

 

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Like what you see, ladies? Wait ’til they start cranking some Eminem. Trust me…the bus ain’t the only thing super-sized.

 

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Seriously. These bitches are trippin’ harder than we ever did at Woodstock.

 

 

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Imma big stinkin’ 24 year old woman who’s been sniffing hair spray all day. You really wanna do this right now?

 

 

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The whole day was rather uneventful until my hair lady lost it and the Tiara Twins’ bus driver took his pants off.

 

 

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She needed much bigger hair, but I’m not saying a thing. You saw that chick in the parking lot. She’d f*** me up.

 

 

 

I think MC Hammer said it best.

“I’ve toured around the world, from London to the Bay

It’s Glamour, Go Glamour.  Toddler Glamour.  Yo, Glamour.

And the rest can go and play.  Break it down.  

Stop.  It’s Glamour Time.”

Dat’s rite.  Listen to these dope beatz and learn how it all went down in Jersey, yo.

Toddlers & Tiaras was mixing it like a DJ and scratching it like they had a bad rash this week, all courtesy of the Hollywood Starz Hip Hop Pageant.  Because we all know there’s nothing a preschooler likes more than glitter and gangstah rap.

Held in picturesque Fairfield NJ, the competition was (…Spoiler Alert!…) only a short Path Train ride or a 2 day walk in traffic with no water back to New Yawk City.  And it was gonna bring out the confidence and swag in every contestant.

At least that was the plan as Director Jonel Stanek laid it all out for us.

Of all the Pageant Directors that have graced the T&T screen over the years, Jonel was definitely one of the most low key and normal.  Very nice and polite, but unfortunately she barely even ticked the CrazyMeter.  I was not happy.

I mean, if my girl Tonya Bailey can rock a Swarovski eye patch on Pirate Day and lick a Rainbow Bright lollipop like a porn star on whatever day that was that she licked the Rainbow Bright lollipop, not to mention my other girl Annette Hill backing dat thang up on MotownDay, the least Jonel could have done was pop in a grill or something.

It’s Hip Hop, fercryinoutloud.  If she didn’t want to stick anything in her mouth, she could have rocked a Flava Flav clock around her neck or something.  You can buy them at Bed Bath & Beyond for next to nothing if you use that coupon they’ve been sending me in the mail every seven days for the last four years.

When it was all said and done, Jonel didn’t really tell us anything that we hadn’t already read in TV Guide at the grocery store.  But at least she got to show off her new green one shouldered Wilma Flintstone dress.  So there was that.

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Our first little princess was 5 year old Devin and her Mom Darci.  They were full of peace and love.  And probably feeling pretty groovy, too.

Mom and Dad Kevin were hippies.  Or used to be, anyway.  I’m not sure if you can still legitimately be a hippie in 2013 or not.  I should research that.

At first I thought that Devin’s older sister Cassidy was pulling our legs when she said that her parents were former Love Children, even though I could totally picture Mom falling out of a VW van on the side of the road somewhere.  And even though they did have an unusually large assortment of hula hoops scattered around the front yard, that doesn’t necessarily mean you grew your own in the basement of your parents’ house.

But then Mom took the whole gang down to the art studio to work on props for Devin’s Hip Hop routine and some of her ’60s fumes started to leak out from under the door.

Like when she explained that pageants were really just performance art and then went on to explain how African cheetahs somehow jumped a boat to America and ended up creating the Def Jam record label.  Like Planet of the Apes, but with more bling.

I swear the paint fumes were literally coming through my television.

And then Dad showed up out of nowhere, all tie dyed and hair going every which way like that Back to the Future guy.

Poor Dad.  Loved him.  But he didn’t get it.  I don’t think he even know where he was while he was talking to the cameras.  Because he’s just the Dad.  And then he disappeared back under the table and I decided that I needed to be his new best friend asap.

Mom was a body and face artist, which meant that she painted people head to toe like they do at MAC Cosmetic counters during new product launches (…I still don’t know why anyone needs to wear eye shadow on their junk, but whatever…) and was planning on covering Devin in cheetah spots before sticking her in a cage and shipping her off to America to invent rap.

That whole family shops at Whole Foods.  You know they do.

The second contestant arrived in a cloud of diesel fumes as 5 year old Adrianna and Mom Jennifer introduced us to their biker family.  Hogs.  Harleys.  Hip Hop.

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Adrianna was one of those blonde cuties who couldn’t keep her tongue in her mouth, but will hopefully grow out of that phase before she hits middle school because the world really doesn’t need another Miley Cyrus right now.

I really liked her and could tell she’ll be a looker when she grows up.  Which is no big deal, because her Dad Aaron was such a biker dude that he’ll crack the skull of any boy who even looks at his daughter’s Facebook page.

Dad is so out of his element with pageants that he fits right in, if that makes any sense.  I love Dads that support their kids.

You could tell they are all a total panic at family cookouts. Invite me next time, please.

But if you were really looking for a party, you needed to drop by 5 year old Malina‘s house for Indian food and trash talk.  Because that’s where Dad Harry and Godmother Thalya were going a few rounds.

Or ten.  Or twenty.

Fat jokes.  Mustache jokes.  Beard jokes.  OhNoYouDin’t.

Harry was one of those big guys you see at the mall with a chin strap goatee and about 5 pounds of gel stylin’ up 1 pound of hair.  Because you never know when the wind might kick up and you need to look fly for your lady friends.  A’ight?

Thalya was one of those big girls you see at the mall with mismatched sweats and a death grip on her cell phone.  Because you never know when you might get a text asking “Where You At, Girl?” and you know reception sucks in the Food Court.  ‘kay?

Malina, on the other hand, was a straight up Bollywood Bratz doll with big eyes and a tiny body.  Not a medical condition per se.  Just typical Little Kid Syndrome where you’re just waiting for the rest of your body to catch up to your head.  Been there.  Done that.

She was a hoot, all wide eyed and bug eyed and trying not to get in the middle of the whole Harry vs. Thalya Yo Mama Challenge.

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Mom Lisa was also there, kinda, but she pretty much got trampled by Thalya every time she tried to break up a fight as Malina fine tuned her booty pop.

When Thalya finally blew her first major nutty of the episode (…Spoiler Alert #2…) and threw down with Harry in the kitchen about his constant joking and insults, it should probably be noted that the whole scene looked exactly like The Muppet Show with all those crazy jiggly arms going everywhere, wobbly boom mics unintentionally hanging in the camera shot and Dad galunking out of the scene just like Sweetums used to do when he was sad.

When Thalya wasn’t smacking her cell in the palm of her hand, she was going to be doing Malina’s hair and makeup on Pageant Day.  My psychic powers kicked in right about here and I predicted how this whole thing would end up playing out at the end.

Pageant prep wasn’t going any smoother for the other two nuggets, either.  Devin didn’t like to practice and had a super-sized meltdown due to a ‘problem in her brain’ which sounded like something that should have been addressed when she got her chicken pox vaccination.  She crawled under the table and stared at the wall for awhile.

Like Father, Like Daughter I guess.  Groovy, man.

Adrianna was having issues with the new one minute time limit on Beauty Walks, and was struggling to figure out how to cram an additional 30 seconds of finger kisses into the new ruling.  I know the feeling, sister.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And…Tiara Twins Time?

Seriously.  Are we sure that there are really only two of them?

Because these twins are freakin’ everywhere.

Every.  Where.

Even when they’re not the subject of an episode, these two smiley kids somehow manage to score some screen time.  I swear their PR department must be as big as that gigantic transport vehicle they try to hide in the barn, because at least once a week the two girls either make a cameo on T&T or casually walk behind Anderson Cooper right in the middle of his newscast.  Just because they can.

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You remember the Twins.

Alycesaundra and Giavanna.  And Mom Kelly.  And Dad Ron.

They live on that farm that grows mud.  Or dirt.  I don’t know.  No one will tell me what secret thing they harvest twice a year so I have to make it up every time they are on TV.

The last time we saw Ron, he was getting his eyeball poked out by a peacock.  And the time before that he was dragging sheep and turkeys across the stage.  And the time before that, he was pulling his wife’s blouse up over her head so all of America could see her…umm…you know.

I already used “The Other Tiara Twins” joke last time, so I’m clearly running out of good jokes about bad boobs.  But we almost saw some stuff.

In widescreen HD.

This time Ron was dressed as a hip hop cop for some reason.  Momentarily anyway, before he stripped down to nothing but his sheer mantihose as Alycesaundra twerked herself off the edge of the stage.

Or at least I think it was Alycesaundra.  I’m still not very good at telling these two girls apart.  That, and that fact that my focus was elsewhere.  Pretty much at Alycesaundra’s height, but trust me…it was elsewhere.  Bow Chick A Tour Bus.

On a slightly more positive note, I can finally check off “See Ron Lyerly rub a police badge on his nibblies” from my Bucket List.

Anyway.  Back to this week’s kiddos.

Thalya blew her second nutty getting Malina ready for Beauty.  Nobody liked Bollywood Bratz’s hair and Thalya was getting cranky.  Dad was on her like I dunno what…and Girlfriend wasn’t having it.

Crazy Liza Minnelli doppelgänger judge Johnny Ray Browning was back for another pageant, being all Fierce in his Joan Rivers Five Easy Payments metallic scarf from QVC and uncomfortably touching that creepy Dateline soul patch a little too often.

Devin had this week’s Last Minute Emergency Pee Panic and had to be air lifted to the restroom ten seconds before she was supposed to be on stage.

Sorry kids, but my girl Paisley Dickey still owns the title of Biggest Pre-Show Pee Queen, so the rest of you can just go in your pants.  Save yourself some stress and don’t even try to steal that one from her if you know what’s good for you.

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Or the cheese dip.  Or the boogers.  Cuz there’s only one PDickey in the hizzle, yo.

Go see her movie, though.  Love.  Her.

The Hip Hop portion of the show began with some Sassy Sistah in the audience taking iPhone photos with her brass knuckle cell case that pretty much said all that needed to be said.

The routines went from gender bending baggy shirts and saggy pants to hand painted cheetahs learning how to breakdance in captivity.

FYI…Judge JRB didn’t care for gender bending of any sort, which made me spit Diet Coke out my nose for so many reasons that I can’t even begin to list them right now.

He sure is Fabulous, though, isn’t he?

And then some kids won some stuff.  But not necessarily what they wanted to win.

Including Malina, who only pulled a Novice title.  Which was no big dealio until Dad blamed it on Thalya’s haircare.  Or lack thereof.

OhHellNoHeDidNotJustSayThatGirrrrrrl’mSickOfItThat’sItI’mDone.

Thalya lost her marbles, grabbed her cell phone (…cuz you never know…) and stormed out of the building into the parking lot, screaming, swearing and checking texts the whole way as some poor winded TLC camera guy tried to keep up.

She was a big stinkin’ 24 year old woman, dammit.  A hard 24, maybe.  But still 24.

And just ’bout ready to pop off on someone as soon as she could get her hands on a frying pan, because Thalya don’t play.

Most of what she said was (bleeped) out, except for the parts where she kept talking about how hungry she was after slaving away all day on Malina’s losing hairstyle.

She was done.  She was over it. Nobody disses her mad skills.  Plus, she had munchies that were giving her a tight weave headache.

Thalya ended up abandoning everyone else in the building, leaving them to figure out how to get all their luggage and loser crowns back to NYC as she laid a patch of rubber on the pavement and gunned it for the nearest drive-thru.

(Bleep!)

Word to yo’ Pageant Mama.

You can’t touch this.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: Time To Work That Stage And Show Me Your Pretty Feet. All Four Of Them. It’s Me And My Pet!

Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

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Check it out. There’s a freakin’ pig on the crown. Don’t even pretend you’re not jealous, cuz you are. Haters gonna hate.

 

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Bitch, pleez. Every kid at the Ramada gets a crown. Suck on this headgear and then go slop your hog, honey.

 

 

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My Milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…and they’re usually carrying a taser and a few restraining orders.

 

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Now I’m a church goin’ woman, but that pretty one in the pink dances like a damn crazy lady. Lawd have mercy.

 

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The judges like it when I shake my booty and my poor guinea pig so hard that we both black out on stage.

 

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Not gonna lie. That hot girl in the pink started dancing and I may have squirted some water out of my plastic flower.

 

 

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Yeah. I’m pretty sure I spent all day pretty feeting through hot animal poop just so I could win this cheap a** little toy crown.

 

 

 

Do you smell that?

It kind of smells like Aqua-Net and spray tan mist, with just a hint of steamed carrots, lettuce and those crunchy guinea pig pellets they sell in bulk at Petco.

Which can only mean one thing.

They’re baaaaack!

That’s right.  Toddlers & Tiaras is back.  And this time they brought livestock.

After a brief hiatus so we could all check the gift registry down at the Kuntry Stoe and use our “Plus One” invitation to the Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Commitment Ceremony, everyone’s favorite unspoken guilty pleasure returned this week and took us straight to the barnyard without skipping a beat.

All the glitter and glitz was back, along with a few cameo guest appearances and two hotel workers who drew the short straw and got put on pooper scooper duty.

It was the Me And My Pet Pageant, courtesy of Director Jill Worley and MidAmerica Pageants.  Kids, sugar and animals.  What could possibly go wrong?

Jill was still fairly low key as far as Pageant Directors go, and basically just laid out the rules for any slow pokes out there who couldn’t actually figure out on their own what might go down at a Me And My Pet Pageant.

But I like Jill.  When I go clubbing with all my rowdy pageant friends, Jill would be more of the designated driver type while Tonya Bailey and Annette Hill are up on the speakers making it rain down on some strippers.

I’m sure Jill would loosen up eventually after a few Diet Cokes, though.

She was nice and had the same haircut that Carrie Underwood had in one of her videos.  Jill was pretty darn excited about the ginormous Old McDonald crown and the fact that the judges would not be deducting any points for pooping on the floor, which I thought was a good call given the lines in hotel restrooms, until I realized that she was referring to the animals and not the hair and makeup people.

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My bad.

The first wannabe princess we met was 4 year old Rainbow Dash and Mom Rachelle.

You heard me.  Rainbow Dash.  Like the My Little Pony pony.  Because she looooooves My Little Pony stuff.  Especially Rainbow Dash.

Not sure how that whole cartoon name thing is going to hold up in college, but for now I guess it’s a good thing that the little tyke is enamored with animated equines and not Optimus Prime or something.

Mom was a big, sassy lady who I could totally see raising the roof at church every Sunday if she hadn’t been excommunicated for raising a heathenistic little pageant girl.

Seriously?  It’s 2013, people.

To rub salt in the wound, Mom was a PK…ie…Preacher’s Kid…and got the boot even though her father was a man of the church.  Go figure.

But it wasn’t stopping RB from rockin’ a drum solo and then wailing “Yes, Jesus Loves Me” while the rest of the family did exactly what you’d expect a good church going family to do once the electric organ gets warmed up.

Take it to church, Girlfriend.  Just don’t go inside.

Rainbow Dash was a cutie, and looked like a miniaturized CNN weekend news anchor with her blown out hair and jacket/tie combo.  You could tell she gets it from her Mama.

Next up was 4 year old Gabby and Grandma Teresa.  Not NiNi or NeNe or NaNa or NooNoo or nuthin’.  Just Grandma.

Grandma was large and in charge of the pageants, because Gabby’s Mom Alicia hated glitz pageants.  They’re all fakey fake with their fake hair and fake teeth and fake tans and fake fakiness.

Fake.  Fake.  Fake.  And then for those of you who may have missed it, she said it about 29 more times.  Fake.

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Gabby was a nugget of a little blonde thing, all sing-songy and gassy as she shook her poor guinea pig Puddinin (…that’s not a typo.  Puddininininin….) until you could hear marbles jiggling in his head.  She even managed to knock the poo right out of him as the poor guy got car sick and honked out a little pellet of his own right there on the carpet.

Luckily for all of us who sit too close to our television screens, TLC thoughtfully covered up Pud’s junk with one of those Walmart Lower Price smiley face stickers so we didn’t have to actually watch a guinea pig take a toot in hi-def.

We also learned that Gabby’s flatulence reeked of carrots and lettuce, which I guess is probably something we should know in case we ever need to rescue her from an underground coal mine collapse in the middle of the night…but it didn’t feel very crucial to the current pageant storyline.

Seriously, a couple more fart jokes and subtitles this week and I would have sworn I was still watching Honey Boo Boo eating ribs.

The third and final contestant was 3 year old pipsqueak Lily and Mom Brittany.

Not only did Lily have one of the best cartoon voices ever, but she also had her own miniature horse.  A real one.  That she bought with her own money.

Shut the barn door.  Literally.

I can’t even pay my cable bill on time and a 3 year old is buying a real live racehorse with Ultimate Supreme cash?  Take that, Rainbow Dash.

And sign me up for this gig.  I want a pony, too.

Blackjack the Horse came with his own Zorro background music and one of those purple ski masks that made it look like he had some kind of super powers that would soon be revealed on stage.  I hoped he could talk.  That would be so cool.

Since Lily and Mom just happened to have a horse laying around the house, they had decided to use him in the pageant as part of their Afro Circus routine.

(The Madagascar movie song and dance number, not one of Al Sharpton‘s press conferences.  Just to clarify.)

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They even had a technicolor afro wig for Blackjack to wear during the show, hoping that a slow moving miniature pony wearing a gay pride weave could duplicate a polka dotted zebra standing on his back legs doing Michael Jackson moves.  We’ll have to see.

While Lily squeaked around the stables, we dashed back over to Rainbow Dash’s house for a major plot twist.

Rainbow Dash was ALSO doing an Afro Circus routine.

Shut.  Up.

But instead of a horse, RB was going to dress up her Dad Daniel (…who I believe only blinked a total of 7 times the entire episode…) like a crazy clown and have him assist while their little pocket dog Titi pretended he was in the circus.  The Afro one.

Dad reminded me of the short guy from Fresh Prince of Bel Air a little bit as he worked himself into an anxiety attack over standing on stage holding a hula hoop.

Chillax, dude.  You got this.

And then it was Katie Boyer Time!!!

We love pageant coach Katie and her Katie’s Kuties.

She’s your typical girl next door who you know spends waaay too much time texting her girlfriends from the mall and is the one who always silently mouths “OMG!” and then hits you whenever a hot waiter turns his back to the table.

Katie loves her kids, but hates those animal pageants.  Don’t make me touch that thing.

Note to self:  Return the iguana you bought Katie for Christmas.

After putting Gabby through some finger kisses and guinea pig shakes, Katie got in her Tiara Teleportation Device and was suddenly across town helping out Lily with her routine.

Oooh, girl.  Double dippin’ in the pageant pool.  You go.

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The most memorable part of the scene (…aside from Katie, of course…) was whatever the f*** was going on with Pageant Life Coach Aunt Sissy‘s hair.

Seriously.  That was some solid work up there.  You know Katie was dying to touch it.

I’m thinking that Sissy might be the one we send over to Syria to look for all those atomic bombs, because even if she finds one and it blows up in her face, that hair ain’t going anywhere.

Well played, ma’am.  Just don’t get me started on Life Coaches.

Finally, it was Showtime!

But first…can we just talk about what kind of hotel lets farm animals run wild through the hallways?  I mean, Blackjack just strolled through the lobby like he was going to the desk to confirm his wakeup call and ask that an iron be sent upstairs.

It’s bad enough getting stuck with a room by the ice machine.  Can you even imagine the smell?  That place better be putting extra chocolate on my pillow if I know there’s a llama in the next room.

The hair and makeup sessions were the usual chaos.  Nothing new to report.

Somehow Gabby’s dress didn’t fit correctly and they had to poach a second one from Lily’s suitcase.  Why do these people always wait until their number is being called to actually try lacing up the back for the first time?

Eventually everyone was wearing something and Jill could get the party started.

Complete with cameo guest appearances galore, which made me realize that I have been watching this show for way too many years.

Little Miss Ava Claire was giving the judges some side eye, but I almost missed her behind all of Mom’s big a** hair.  Hey, Jessica!

Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki Santiago was also standing off to the side deciding which young child to take back into the bowels of the Earth when crowning was done, which explained all the nervous animal pee that was going on in the holding area.

Just speaking for myself, I know that every time I see Nikki I need to put down some fresh newspapers under my Lazy Boy…just in case.

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Even one half of the Tiara Twins, Giavanna, was standing on stage watching her Dad get his eye poked out by a completely panic stricken peacock.  It was like that Alfred Hitchcock movie, except Ron screamed more than Tippi Hedren did when she got attacked.

I should also point out that Tiara Twins Mom Kelly just stood there and watched it all happen without lifting a finger, because I think she was still mad at Ron for that time he pulled her top up on national television.

The Beauty portion was the usual.  Stop.  Start.  Forget.

The Me and My Pet part was when the crowd woke up.

Rainbow Dash’s take on the Afro Circus was basically her Dad getting down with his bad self in big shoes.  Something tells me that’s not the last we’ve seen of Krumpy the Klown, yo.

After evacuating the first two floors of the hotel to prevent any potential running of the bulls, Brittany finally got Blackjack up on stage for Lily’s routine.

And then Katie danced behind the judges.

Crazy White Girl Dancing.  The kind of dancing that becomes the stuff of urban legends.

And screensavers.

Gabby didn’t have much better luck with Puddininininin who made a quick appearance and then hid behind a pile of maxi-pads for the rest of the show.

Did I forget to mention that Mom had lined his barnyard prop with maxi-pads just in case he…well…never mind.  If you have enough maxi-pads on hand to fill a barn, then we have bigger problems than a shy guinea pig.

And then some kids won some stuff.

But not the stuff they wanted to win.  Google it.

Right now, everyone back to the barn for a quick Tinker Tea nightcap and then hit the hay.  It’s been a long one.

Toddlers & Tiaras is back.

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Toddlers & Tiaras: When I Grow Up I Wanna Be A Pilot Or A Nurse…Or Just Throw Down At A Georgia Pageant.

Saturday, June 22nd, 2013

 

 

Puhleez. Aside from all the F Bombs and disorganization, if Heather had sat on that Mom I totally could have taken her downtown.

 

 

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The Hell? Now my toothpaste is gone? How many bitches you trying to cram into this one little bathroom, woman?

 

 

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You wanna talk smack? Let’s talk about that stupid blue hat your boy was wearing. WTF was that all about?

 

 

 

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Well, there we go. If you had told me that some grown a** man grinding his junk in a cartoon teddy bear suit would be the most normal thing I saw tonight…

 

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I forget if you’re the pretty one or not, but somebody better win this thing or next time we’re switching from beach balls to bowling balls during rehearsal. Capisce?

 

 

 

 

I ain’t just dog walking that bitch. I’m taking her to the Vet, getting her neutered and then holding her head under the flea dip water. Watch me.

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At Dawn…we ride!

 

 

 

 

Can you do me a favor the next time you go down to the hotel lobby?

Check and see if the TLC Gift Shop sells pocket calendars or day planners or racing forms, because my fight card is filling up so fast that I’m already having trouble keeping track of who threw the first punch at all these Glitz Pageants.

I mean…whoa.

Was it really only last week that we all witnessed The Hood Rat Hoe Down?  (Shout out to all my girls at the Englewood Walgreens!)  And now Toddlers & Tiaras is already back in the Ring hosting The Rumble of the Red Heads?

Remember when this show used to be about kids in cone bras?

Too boring, I guess.  Been there.  Done that.

Think about it.  When’s the last time we actually saw an awkwardly inappropriate spray tanning session?  I guess that after five seasons, that one kind of lost its shock value.

Which is fine.  To be honest, after five seasons of How-To episodes, I can pretty much climb up on my own kitchen table and give myself a nice coat or two of Krylon without streaking, though sometimes I still forget to roll up my Speedo leg holes really high and end up with that annoying butt mark that looks like you sat on a coffee filter.

I also still get some grief when I have friends over for dinner, especially if I’m hosing down the good parts while they’re trying to have dessert.  TMI?

But I’m not complaining.  You know the rules around here.  The Messier the Hot Mess, the better.  If you really wanted to discuss which kid had the best lace ankle socks you’d be in the Baby Gap chartroom and not waiting for me to throw some shade.

This week was the Coastal Georgia Pageant Productions…errr…production of…the When I Grow Up Pageant, because everyone knows that anyone who has graduated from the 0 – 23 month category should have already charted out a pretty solid career path for themselves.

Pageant Director Chasity Saunders broke it all down in a fairly low key manner, unlike some of our previous Directors.

Hmmm.  Perhaps Chasity was saving all her Krazy for later.  You think?

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The winner of this competition would receive the awesome Mega Face Supreme title and $1,000…which I’m going to assume could be turned directly over to a bail bondsman if the PoPo happened to be called at some point in the evening.

You might wanna hold that thought.

Our first contestant represented pretty much every progressive lifestyle and ethnicity on the US census form except for space aliens.  If you were looking for the Ward and June Cleaver household, let’s just say you might want to get back on the highway and reset your GPS.

Tiny 2 year old Lyric and her 19 year old Mom Amber were both pretty darn cute.

True…all babies are pretty darn cute, but there’s something about babies with uncontrollably fuzzy hair that makes me smile.  And when they look like someone just rubbed twelve birthday balloons on their head?  Even better.  And when they live in a veritable clown car full of family members?  Gold!  We loved this family.

Here we go.  Take a deep breath and we’ll do this…

Lyric was a patootie of a bi-racial baby who lived with her Mom and her Aunt and her lesbian Grandma and her lesbian Grandma’s lesbian wife and her Great-Grandma who could make some of the best flustered Great-Grandma faces ever seen on TLC.

For the cherry on top of that awesome sundae, the lesbian Grandma Jennifer and the non-lesbian Great Grandma Valerie had been professional wrestlers earlier in their lives.  They even showed old photos, gave us a few of their fight names and took Lyric to a Martial Arts Studio to show her how lesbians and non-lesbians can F*** you up if you’re talking on your cell and not paying attention.  And then my head exploded.

For some reason, they all felt it was necessary to use the one bathroom at home all at the same time every day, so enjoy that one.  If you’re claustrophobic or allergic to aerosol or the goo they put on fresh tattoos, or just don’t like crowded elevators, you might want to pass on the experience.

Moving on, the second and third contestants this week were sold together in a freshly sealed TwinPak from the local farm.

Dat’s rite.  The Tiara Twins!  So.  Cute.

Alycesaundra and Giavanna were back and just as competitive as ever, though parents Kelly and Ron seemed to have discovered a top secret way to swap out their brains since we last saw them on the show, because the normal one was now the crazy one and the crazy one was now the normal one.  Go figure.

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It wouldn’t really surprise me if they actually had a SyFy Channel genetics laboratory somewhere on that farm/plantation/biosphere thing they live on, hidden underground below the 13,000 square foot practice building, the rockstar trailer garage and the airport hanger where they store that shrink wrapped Tiara Twins tour bus.

I’m too lazy to Google it, but whatever it is they grow or sell out on that farm certainly pays the bills.  Mom did some quick math in her head and came up with a nice, round $1M that had been spent on pageant pimpin’ so far.  Nice to hear as I nuked the Lean Cuisine that I bought with a coupon.

Adopt.  Me.

There was also the ongoing 5 year old battle as to which little nugget was cuter, though Mom let us know that Gia was clearly the winner.  Hopefully Aly was out playing in that field where they grow cow poo and mud when Mom dropped that bomb on the nation.

I’ll cut her some slack, though.  Maybe Mother really does know best.  But to the untrained eye, both girls still needed name tags.  If I get a vote, they were both redoinkulously cute.

Prep work for any pageant is key.  We all know that by now.

Inside the 13,000 square foot playroom (…don’t even ask me how many sq. feet my condo is…) Kelly and Ron had devised a new training technique that would hopefully prevent the girls from being distracted on stage.  Designed to build razor sharp focus and help them acquire the Ninja-like skills required to join the X-Men, it was a cross between elementary school dodge ball and a Jimmy Buffett concert where everyone is bouncing inflatables in the air during the last song.

Basically, it was just throwing gigantic beach balls at children when they weren’t looking.

3 for $1.  Knock one down, win a prize.

Over at Lyric’s home, there weren’t quite as many balls.  Maybe none.  It was hard to tell.  I think they were probably just tucked away some place safe.

Yup.  Drag Queen Miss Navonna dropped by to show Lyric how to be fierce.

C-List Drag Queens.  Lesbians.  Non-Lesbians.  Pageant Babies.  All attempting to shake it like a Polaroid picture…and a Vegas showgirl…at the same time.

It truly was The Perfect Storm.

Finally, it was Showtime!  Too bad no one told the emcee.

Right out of the gate, the pageant was a hot mess.  Chasity had picked what appeared to be the smallest hotel in the city and for some reason everyone was doing hair and makeup and When I Grow Up stuff in the middle of the hallways.  And they were narrow hallways.  There’s no way you could have gotten one of those maid carts through, so I guess nobody got fresh linens that weekend.

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Lyric was crying before she hit the stage, and Mom gave her what looked like ecstasy or ibuprofen.  It was a little sumthin sumthin…maybe they have pixie stix in pill form now.

The Emcee missed little Lyric completely in the MacBook Pro roster and had to go back and announce her.  Goober #1.

Actually, it was the second, if you count his outfit.

WTF?  I think I wore that same ensemble to my first boy/girl junior high dance in the cafetorium.  And the Boy Band hat was a nice touch.  Just enough of a shade off from the blue shirt that it kind of made my eyes sting a little.  You know the tie came in the same package.

Along with a bonus swatch of fabric, of course, so you can go shopping for matching socks without having to bring the whole shirt to H&M.

Mom Kelly was a little wired when the party started.  I think she was still mad at Dad for lifting up her shirt in the middle of the mud bog back home and almost showing all of America the other Tiara Twins.

Trust me…if you didn’t see it, you don’t want to see it.  Just walk away.

Ali did poorly in Beauty, but she’s not Gia so it was no surprise to Mom.  I still say they could have switched in the middle like an episode of The Brady Bunch and nobody would have known the difference.

Gia did better, because she’s Gia.  That, and the fact that this time she wasn’t dragging a live turkey behind her.  And Dad finally showed up with her flipper.  That helped, too.

Seriously.  Dude.  How many flippers do you have on you at one time?  He was pulling them out of pockets like a birthday party magician.  Look!  There’s one in your ear!  And another one!  And a quarter!

Kelly was pissed.  No way to get around it.  Pissed.

The When I Grow Up Wear was pretty much every Career Barbie outfit ever made come to life.

Ali wanted to be a pilot.  A pilot who is going to miss every landing strip and dump 237 passengers into the Atlantic if she spaces out in the cockpit like she did on stage.

Gia wanted to be a Hunter in booty shorts, hunting down her Dad who was dressed in one of those life size teddy bear costumes with the giant heads.

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Before you die, you really need to see him in action when the music kicked in.  Check your DVR or look on youtube.  Unless he was groping around for another flipper, there was a little too much bumping and thrusting for a Glitz Pageant.  Especially when you have mitten paws instead of hands and you keep whacking your honey pot.

Why yes, Goldilocks.  Trust me.  This one is juuuuust right.

Of course, the emcee missed his cue for Gia as well and left the audience with nothing to do but watch the RonBear get down with his bear self at the edge of the stage.

Lyric’s showgirl routine was derailed by one of the emcee’s groupies who stood next to him and made crazy faces throughout the entire competition.  Like the crazy faces you make in maternity wards or when the Beatles are on Ed Sullivan.  Dial it down.

 And then it happened.

Great-Grandma Valerie had gotten wind that Chasity was talking smack about their family to other participants and audience members.  Something about them being low class and dropping F Bombs in every sentence.

Valerie very politely asked to speak with Chasity away from the crowds.  And then Chasity disrespected Valerie.  And then Jennifer smelled the blood and red hair dye in the water…and it was over.

Girl.  It was on like Beer Pong.

Chasity had some big thick girl named Heather following her around everywhere and Jennifer got all up in her grill, too.  I’m in Chasity’s face?  Do it!  Get me outta her face!  Get me outta her face!  Get me outta her face!

(Remember:  According to the VH1 Book Of Popping Off, you always have to repeat everything at least three times and then clang a frying pan if you have one handy.)

Heather scooted off to call the cops and that pretty much pushed Jennifer’s final button.

Everyone just pig piled at the front door and screamed and yelled and cussed and got all low klass beeotch on each other.

Chasity kept dragging other people into the argument which made Jennifer’s nutty get even nuttier.  Chasity even asked for a show of hands from anyone who had heard Jennifer swear during the competition.

Kudos to that one dude who was so mesmerized by the whole extravaganza that he just stood there holding his kid’s rolling pink zebra luggage and balancing about ten of those giant Rubbermaid bins on his shoulder.  You know he was completely cutting off the circulation to his neck and risking a stroke, but he wasn’t leaving this shiz for nuthin.

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Chasity screamed and then cried and then screamed some more.  Some random girl on a cell phone even came up behind her and tried to take her by the arm back to the CrazyTown Sanitarium but she wasn’t having it.

Check it out.  Chasity’s got some looney tunes eyes when she gets going.  You know she thinks there are bugs on her when they’re not even in season.

Finally, Jennifer’s wife Shantae (…all 97 pounds of her, not counting the gel for her spikey motorbikey fauxhawk…) managed to get her outside before she cracked Chasity’s skull wide open and let all the spaz leak out.

Chasity asked who was glad to see them go, then joined the crowd in an unprofessional round of applause, followed by the whitest “Peace Out, Mutha” I’ve ever heard on cable television.  Seriously.  I’ve heard worse on PBS.

The PoPo showed up and proved useless, as well as a couple of pageant cameos.

Now I either watch waaaay too much of this stuff, or I’m just very observant…but Pageant Coach from Hell Nikki was hanging out in the lobby, as well as Honey Boo Boo‘s Coach Amanda Carter, who apparently still goes back in her Tiara Time Machine to get those tired old chunky highlights put in every six weeks.

Gah.  Buy a Cosmo and figure it out.  It’s 2013.

Chasity had a meltdown and the emcee tried to block the cameras like she was going into the courthouse.  Nice try.  She’s a Pageant Director, not freakin’ Lindsay Lohan.

And nice hat, by the way.  Did I already mention that?

Somehow, amidst all the dramz, they still managed to finish the show and some kids won some stuff.  But not Gia.

At least not what she should have won, which sent Mom to the judges’ table for her own little F Bomb Moment.  A couple of them, actually.

Kelly flipped inside the building.  Twice.  Maybe three times.

Jennifer finished her own flip outside the building.

Frazzled Great-Grandma Valerie chewed her gum so fast that I thought her upper plate was going to come loose and Ron kinda looked like he was starting to dig that sweaty bear costume after standing in the lobby for two hours telling everyone he was Pooh.

But I’m not here to judge.

Yet.

Maybe when I grow up.

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