Posts Tagged ‘Sarah R and Tracy’

Dance Moms: Tick…Tick…And Boom! The White Board Of Doom Just Turned Maddie’s Buddies Into Understudies.

Wednesday, September 10th, 2014

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So you really think it’s a good idea to do this right now? You do know who my mother is?

 

 

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I know, right? If you squint I totally look like Vanna White.

 

 

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Me? Just Grandma pillow fringe, some Spanx and a squirt of jerky juice. What are you wearing?

 

 

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Imma need one of you to hold my Ph.D. cuz Mama’s about to shut this thing down hard.

 

 

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Forgot his costume at home, but I got a 3pack of Hanes and a crayon. Guess it’s time to MacGyver some warrior s***.

 

 

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I told you NEVER shoot me from this side unless you want me going all Mariah on your a**.

 

 

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Can one of you stop yelling long enough to fix whatever’s going on with my hair right now?

 

 

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Srsly. If this chick doesn’t stop talking I’m going right over the back of this seat. Today is NOT the day, sister.

 

 

 

With apologies to the other Beyoncé

        Abby, can you handle this?

        I don’t think you can handle this.

Because like the song says…I don’t think you’re ready for this smack down.

I know I wasn’t.

Trust me on this one.  Don’t mess with Holly Frazier.

Just don’t.

If you’re pressed for time, that’s the short version of this week’s Dance Moms episode.

Thanks for stopping by.  Be sure to enjoy the rest of your day.

But if you’re sticking around for all the details, you’ll probably want to grab a snack and pop a B-12 or a couple of Stresstabs, because it’s gonna be a long one.

With only two competitions, a concert and a couple of recycled Director Cut edits to go before Nationals (…which you get to via that infamous Road to Nationals…) the tension was already on the rise inside the studio as the gang rolled in for the Pyramid of Shame.

Seriously tense.  To the point where you could almost peel it off everyone’s skin like that ratchet paint job on the outside of the ALDC building.

Which, if we weren’t so pressed for time and space this week, would open up a whole other ironic discussion on how Abby managed to criss cross the country on Lifetime’s dime rescuing every podunk studio in America but couldn’t find one painter on Craig’s List to fix up her own damn house.  Really?

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I’m being serious.  If that little pip squeak Sarah Hunt eats one flake of lead paint I’m calling Child Services and shutting this entire production down.

This week it was back to just the Original Recipe Moms and Daughters, minus the Hyland contingent, of course (…Holla back, gurlz.  We miss you!…) which made it much easier to keep everyone’s names straight once the drama really kicked into gear.

Because let’s be honest…after four seasons half the viewers probably still don’t know which Christi/Christ-y/Kristie is which until they start yelling at each other.

The Pyramid started out positively enough with a quick celebration of last week’s winning (…yet questionably maybe racist or maybe not depending on your chat room preferences…) Native American group routine.

Nia had proven that 2014 is still clearly the International Year of the Nia by killing the lead dancer spot in her big Village People headdress.  Even Abby gave her props, which made her get all smiley and do that shoulder thing she does when she gets all smiley.

And then Melissa and my MomCrush Jill did a quick palm-of-your-hand-on-your-mouth Indian Scalp ‘Um White Man Tomahawk Dance in the background that somebody probably should have pixelated out before Tuesday night, given all the recent controversy on ESPN.

Live and learn, I guess.  But since Jill only goes to football games so she can wear bulky sweaters and watch her daughter do cheerleading tumbles, I’m pretty sure that neither of them have even heard of the Washington Redskins.

And can we just pause here to properly acknowledge that the Jill Vertes Fashion Watch was totally on-point this week?

Because it was.  Dang, Miss V.

Bottom of the Pyramid was reserved seating for Kendall, Chloe and MackZ.  Nothing new to report there, except that having only five dancers on the clock clearly made it difficult for Abby to create an actual working Pyramid since Nia and Maddie ended up side by side above the other three girls.

mdSo naturally, I got all excited thinking that there was some kind of tie for the Top Spot, which there wasn’t, of course.  Maddie was on top again, even though she was really just to the left of Nia by about two inches.

Geometry and Dance were never my favorite subjects in school.  Let’s just leave it at that.

This week the Old Team would be headed to Wayne, NJ for another performance at the Sheer Talent Competition.  Just like the Candy Apples.

Yeah.  Those Candy Apples.  Here we go again.

Abby had some inside scoop (…those producers just can’t keep their mouths shut any more, can they?…) that Cathy would be bringing back Gino Cosculluela for a solo.

You remember Gino.  He’s that kid with the TV News Anchor forehead who gave Maddie her first BoyKiss during a duet a few weeks ago.  The duet that ended up sending her running from the studio in search of two tins of Altoids and a year of psychotherapy.

That duet.

I swear Gino and his Dad Mickey must live in their car, because all they do is zip back and forth between Ohio and Pittsburgh.  Can’t you just picture the trunk of their Mazda all full of school books and hair gel?

To compete against Gino and prove that he totally kisses like a little boy wearing braces, Maddie scored a ‘Fool Me Once’ solo.  Except that she might not even be around for the competition by the weekend, due to some mystery Miami Project that may or may not actually happen.

Or even exist.

It was a little vague.  But just to be safe, Abby pegged Chloe and Kendall as Maddie’s understudies.  That way, should Miss America no longer be able to fulfill her duties, some one else could step in and take over the role for the remainder of her reign.  Or something like that.

Side note:  Melissa made this face a lot this week…

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The group routine was entitled Playing With Matches.  Pretty self explanatory, even though Abby felt the need to point out that the girls would not actually be torching any buildings in New Jersey since that state already has enough problems.

We get it.  Mess with Abby, you get burned.

As the girls started flicking their Bics in the studio, the Moms hit the MomPerch and quickly realized that Abby was crossing the line when it came to comparing all the girls to Maddie.  Enough already.

Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Maddie this.  Maddie that.  Why can’t any of you be like Maddie?  You’re not as good as Maddie.  Maddie is better than you.  Way better than you, actually.  Like Infinity & Beyond better.  That much better.  Which is a lot.

Holly was getting agitated.  Jill pointed out that the girls were looking defeated.  And Christi kept eating what appeared to be a box of those Goobers you get at the movies.  At least that’s what they looked like to me.  Girlfriend definitely had the munchies.

Everyone agreed that they should start keeping track of how many times Abby compared their child to Maddie, because that shizz just ain’t rite.  The Moms were at maximum capacity when it came to all this MaddieTalk.  Over.  It.

(Except maybe Melissa, of course.  Who I always feel bad for when this kind of thing starts happening.  She gets all squinty like there’s dust under her contact lens.  We love her.)

And then Holly started using Big Words.

Holly:  “We need a Quantitative Analysis.”

Christi:  “You mean, like a chart?”

Thank you for dumbing it down for the rest of us, honey.  Not everyone can afford Harvard.

Apparently there’s an App for That, because Christi immediately whipped out her iPhone and started tracking how many times Abby said the word ‘Maddie.’  So basically, what you’re telling me is that Apple can help you chart how many times your child is humiliated on national television but can’t get my f***ing mail down from the Cloud.  Nice.

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The next day, it got even better.

Jill showed up with one of those gigantic white boards that you always see in the deli when cheese goes on sale.  The kind of board that only comes clean with that special spray from Staples that smells like nail polish remover?  Do you know what I’m talking about?  No?

Have you ever accidentally pushed the wrong buttons on your remote and ended up on that cable public access channel where the guy is doing math in non-HD?

One…who watches that?  And two…he uses the same white board.

(Weekly Kamryn Beck-ism:  I bet she uses one in her bedroom when she’s calculating something that us normal, non-glitter headband wearing types will never understand.  Where has she been lately, anyway? #BringBackTheKiaKamster.)

The next 90 minutes or so were taken up with Abby yelling and screaming at everyone in the studio (…except Maddie, duh…) while Jill stood up in the Perch ticking off hash marks like she was counting down the days until her parole hearing.

It kind of looked like a cattle auctioneer and the final round of Wheel of Fortune and that lady score keeper from the Summer Olympics who couldn’t speak English all rolled into one.  I forget if I already knew that Jill was left handed or not, but it certainly explained all the bling on the right one every week.

There was also some drama with Abby and Gia trying to figure out what that white board was all about, even though all I really wanted to know was why Jill carries around a tripod easel and dry erase markers in her SUV.  Who does that?

If you watch South Park then you also got a pretty good chuckle when Abby said “Respect My Authority!”  My Authoritaaaaah!  

Hilarious.  But I guess if you don’t know who Cartman is then I just wasted your time.

Finally, it was Showtime!  And Meltdown Time!

But first…

That little 12 year old bride having a complete spaz when the ALDC bus pulled into town.

That one right there.

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What the what with that kid?  Did she just get left at the playground altar or something?  Please tell me you saw that.  Buying the complete Season Four box set at full price is gonna be worth that 5 seconds of your life.  I promise.

(Spoiler Alert:  12 year old bride.  Hold that thought.)

As Abby and Company filed into the high school venue, Chaos Cathy Nesbitt-Stein had somehow commandeered the front office and was squawking over the P.A. system like today was Fish Stick Day.

(Monday morning when the janitor opens the supply closet looking for those little urinal cakes, you know the principal is gonna fall out on the floor all terrorized with an apple duct taped in his mouth.  You just know it.)

Back in the makeup room, Jill wanted to know why all three girls couldn’t do the same solo in the competition.

Did I forget to say that Maddie didn’t go to Miami and was there with the ALDC?  My bad.

They also brought the deli board with them.  Because why not?

Flashback:  Even though Abby had previously put two girls into a competition doing the exact same routine before, somehow the rules were different in Jersey.  So it wasn’t gonna happen.  No other solos besides Maddie’s.  And no trio with a bunch of Maddie wannabe understudies bumping into each other and bringing down the scores.

And then Gino danced in his underwear.   I swear.

I think Gino is da bomb.  And a total playa just like Lady Killer Lucas Triana.  But I’m not putting Gino’s photo in this recap or I’ll end up on some government Offender Watch List somewhere.  Uncomfortable much?

Let’s just say that Cathy certainly saved money by cheaping out on costumes this week.

He rocked his solo, though.  And gave me some great moves to use the next time I BathroomDance in my tighties.

If I did that kind of thing, I mean.  Please.  I’m focused in the morning.m

Maddie was up next with her I Kissed A Boy And Hated It two step.  Abby couldn’t find anything wrong with the dance and Jill had to switch to a new dry erase marker because the old one ran out of ink.

And then it all went downtown.

Holly tried to explain to Abby what the board represented (…an ‘Observable’ for all you scientific MIT types…) but Abby wasn’t buying what Dr. Beyoncé was selling.

I can’t really even do it justice, but basically Holly stood loud and proud for all the other girls, past and present, that Abby continually beat down with her Maddie Mallet.

And it got real.

The ticks on the board represented disrespect.  And it was a big a** board, BTW.

Disrespect!  For Nia.  For Kendall.  For Chloe.  Even for MackZ, yo.

And then suddenly Abby announced some big Maya Angelou (…in an afro wig, no doubt…) extravaganza for Nia next week that nobody had even heard of up until this moment, but was now being benched because Holly had just confronted her in front of the other Moms like a Boss.

Nobody would know Nia if it weren’t for Abby Lee Miller.  You’re a grown woman taking it out on a kid.  You’re a baby.  Where’s the baby?  There’s a baby!  Got your nose.

Nia’s 12.  She’s not a kid.

She can have babies and get married in some countries.

Stop.  Stahhhp.

What.  Just.  Happened?

Melissa’s dirty contact literally popped right out of her head as Holly stormed out the door.  You’re ugly.  What you say is ugly.  And you just crossed the line.

Truth.

I don’t know where the Moms actually go when they storm out of a room.  They never take their purse or bus ticket, so I know they’re not getting very far.  But all the other Moms ran after Holly to make sure she was ok and didn’t assault that camera guy who was all up in her face like it was some Jersey Housewives Reunion.

Dude.  Back it up a few.  Mama is not in the mood.hf

Even Melissa tore down the hall, because at the end of the day, Friendship and Support is how they all roll even when they’re losing their nutty on each other.

(In case anyone cares, I also got up off the couch, put on my big hat and testified to Holly for Keeping It Real and saying what all the other Moms have been feeling for so long.)

Eventually everyone made it back into the auditorium to watch the Candy Apples bust out their group dance tribute to The Fault In Our Stars.  Cathy even gave the little girl one of those oxygen nose plug things like in the movie, but thankfully decided against the kids all dragging IV bags around the stage.  Probably a safety issue.

Not gonna lie, though.  The ALDC Moms could probably have used some of that purified oxygen by the time they found out that Abby pulled the group routine from the competition.

Because that’s what she did, just as they were about ready to hit the stage in their Li’l Abner acid wash denim overalls.

Side note:  Overalls are never an option.  Ever.  I would have cut the number just for the Farmer Pants.

Needless to say, backstage was not much fun after that move.

Holly and Abby went a few more rounds but Abby wasn’t even listening.  It was Her Way, or No Way.

It got heated.

How much is too much when it comes to taking somebody’s crap?  Melissa was obviously caught in the middle.  Jill and Christi sat in the choir getting all like MmmHmm while Holly ground her back teeth into chalk dust.

Aretha even stuck her head in the door and said R-E-S-P-E-C-T.  The Queen of Soul.

And then it was Abby’s turn to storm out of the room with one last zinger, leaving Holly and the other Moms to decide if this was even the right place for them anymore.

Holly:  “Get Some Class.”

Me:  “This is probably why they say never poke a bear cub while the Mom is standing right there in front of you spitting Big Words and dripping foam from her mouth.”  

And then I did my celebratory HollyDance.

Which is way different than my BathroomDance, FYI.

Oh, yeah.

Don’tchoo be touching the babies.

Not while Mama’s in the house.

Tick.  Tick.

And Boom.

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Dance Moms: The ALDC Tribal Council Is About To Vote Off All The Crybabies, So You Might Wanna Pull It Together.

Wednesday, September 3rd, 2014

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I just wanted to get some sleep, so I told that little crybaby there was a pony in the back of the bus.

 

 

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Chief YearOfTheNia is about to shut this Tribal Council down.

 

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Hey! Was that a Dunkin Donuts? I told you to never pass by a damn Dunkin Donuts!

 

 

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Sometimes all the world really needs is Jill Vertes making a crazy face. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

 

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I dunno what’s in this Aqua Net, but it is some strong s***. I swear I just saw dancing Indians.

 

 

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You can do this. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Cher is the Queen. Be the Cher, Nia.

 

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Srsly. Will you look at that tiny crown. And I thought MY kid got the shaft every week…

 

 

 

Okay.

Let’s just address the elephant in the teepee right now and get it out of the way early so we can focus on all the choreographed hilarity.

Road to Nationals means heap big drama for Dance Moms.

There.  You were thinking it and I said it.  And now that we’ve started this thing off as politically incorrect as possible, we can get right to the good stuff.

I think I’ve proven over the last few years that I have absolutely no idea what the rules are anymore when it comes to being PC.  Honestly, I’ve barely figured out the rules for dance competitions.  And don’t even ask me how they judged Toddlers & Tiaras.

But I thought we weren’t supposed to call the Washington Redskins the Washington Redskins anymore.  I’m so confused.  At least I know the correct term is Native American.

So when Abby Lee Miller pulled out a feathered headdress in the first 3 minutes of this week’s episode I knew she was going to break Twitter.  And she did.

Some people called it racist.  Some people called it a glowing Native American tribute.

And more than a few fabulous gentlemen literally gagged over the outfits.

Because, let’s face it, they were to die for.  Oh.  My.  Gawd.  Dead.

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Regardless, I’m just putting it out there before anybody gets themselves too tightly wound up over the subject matter.  You know by now we’re just here for the party.  Head over to the Gymboree chat rooms if you want to get into anything heavier.  I’m sure they’re still bashing me for that whole home schooling fiasco.

So no offense intended, or taken, as we go all tribal this week.

And honestly, with all the money I’ve lost at Mohegan Sun over the years, I think they can cut me some slack just this once.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.

First, the Pyramid of Shame.  Which was actually the Totem Pole of Shame this week.

Which was actually just a bunch of photos stacked on top of each other.  I mean, it’s not like there was an eagle head at the top or anything.  It was just Maddie again.

It was, however, National Dress Your Mom Up In Crazy Pastel Summer Prints And Take Her To Work Day and all the Moms were representing like a double page spread in the Sunday Kohl’s flyer.  I swear these women call each other every morning.  How else do you explain them all ending up in the same color pallet almost every week?

All the matching Original Recipe Moms were there, along with Tami “She Who Wears Shorty Short Booty Shorts” Adamson (…her Native American name…) and her little daughter Tea’, who had both been asked to return after last week’s successful group routine.  Just like when Loree and Jade had been asked back and Tami gave them crap for jumping the fence from New Team to Old Team.

Just like that.

Oh.  And Christ-y was back.  The loud Church Lady had returned, but apparently taken some Oath of Silence to prevent her daughter Sarah from being kicked out of the building for a second time this month.

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Can someone either check Sarah’s body temperature or get her a sweater, please?  She’s always shaking.

Since it was a Totem Pole of Shame this week (…to foreshadow the upcoming theme…) Abby zoomed from the bottom of the elevator to the top so fast that it made my ears pop.

Nia, MackZ, Kendall, Tea’, Chloe and Maddie “On Top Again She Is” Ziegler.

(That was supposed to be Maddie’s Native American name, but the more I look at it the more it sounds like something Yoda from Star Wars would say.  I just can’t win this week.)

The gang was all headed to the Energy Dance Competition Regionals in Waterford, MI where the tiniest ALDC dancers would be battling it out for a spot at Nationals.

MackZ, Tea’ and Sarah all scored solos.  So the pressure was on.

The group routine, if you actually haven’t figured it out by now, was going to be a sparkly Cher-inspired ethnic Native American tribal council dance.

Seriously.  Inspired by Cher.  From the Sonny & Cher Show.  That Cher.

Apparently Abby had gone to see one of Cher’s never-ending Farewell Tour performances (…Seriously.  This beeyotch has been saying farewell for the last 10 years…) and was so inspired by the iconic Half-Breed song that she raced back to Pittsburgh with one of those feathered headdresses they sell next to the ‘I Got You Babe’ t-shirts.

Nia was going to be the featured lead in the dance.  I hate to keep saying ‘I told you so’ when it comes to the International Year of the Nia…but…well…look at that, will ya…

I told you so.

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Pssst.  Newsflash:  Booty Short Tami let Abby know the ‘word on the street’ was that Jeanette had entered her daughter Ava into the competition as well, which would mean that 12 year old Ava would be going up against Abby’s pint-sized triplets.

Something about a 9 -12 year old category that magically changed to a 10-12 year old category at some point during the episode.  I guess Tea’ was in her own category for Mini Grand Supreme or something (…I think I’m getting my toddler shows confused…) but then her overall score would put her up against Ava.

Or maybe I was too busy you tubing Half Breed to pay attention.

I mean, come on.  Who didn’t want to slap on a Village People headdress and ride into Study Hall on a horse when they were little?  Cher is…gah.

She’s f***ing Cher, for crying out loud.

Oh.  And ps…‘word on the street’ is code for ‘Jeanette told me at Starbucks.’

They’re BFFs.  Just saying.

As the Moms hit the MomPerch, the girls got to rehearsing.

Sarah had the nervous sniffles.  Again…sweater, please.  Or can we at least turn the heat up a skootch?  Abby wanted her to drag herself across the floor like she was in a horrific bus accident and could no longer walk.  (Spoiler alert:  I think I just figured out what the next scene’s trauma stems from…) while MackZ had a sassier, more mature solo.

Work it.  Work it.  Walk it.  Walk it.

Tea’, on the other hand, was straight up little girl Boop-Oop-A-Doop 1920’s crybaby, complete with a face down hissy fit like she had just missed out on front row Cher tickets.

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Upstairs, Christi was trying to psych out Tami just like she had psyched out Loree the week before, by suggesting that even though Tea’ made an awesome crybaby, she was going up against an even bigger crybaby and didn’t stand a chance.

Remember last week?  Ava sat on her mother’s lap and almost ugly cried herself into a blackout.  You’re like 12 years old.  Going on 6 feet tall.

Pull it together, sister.  You’re an amazing dancer.

The group rehearsal is when it started getting good.

Abby wanted more Face from Nia.  More!  More!  I wanna see Cher!

(Gurrrl, pleez.  Who doesn’t?  Have you seen the ticket prices?)

Maddie can do it, why can’t you?

Wait.  What?  What did she just say?  Ooooh, Holly didn’t like dat.  At all.

Do it, Maddie.  Show Nia how to give Face.

And then Maddie jumped in and showed Nia how to give Face.  And then Holly noticed that it was the same MaddieFace that she had used last week in her solo.  And then…wait.  It was the same face she had used the week before that, too.

Are we talking FaceGate?  Hold up.  Maddie’s been using the same face every week for four years?  And nobody told me?  Good thing Holly’s on the case.

When Holly turned to Melissa and pointed out that she’d never seen one 8th grade social studies book with a photo of Chief MaddieFace, I just ’bout hit the floor.

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By the time Abby came up to the MomPerch for some NiaFace-Bashing, Dr. Beyoncé wasn’t having it.  All right…whatever.  Shut it down now.  Game Over.

Stick a fork in it.  I’m done.

And then Sarah had some major bus anxiety.

I mean, major.   Like breath into a paper bag kind of anxiety.

I’m not really sure where it all stems from, though the last time there was an issue with public transportation Christ-y tried to peg it on home schooling and the fact that Sarah had never been away from her side in 9 years.

Now unless they do one room home schooling, I’m not sure why the poor little nugget couldn’t go to the back of the bus without her Mom, because I’m going to assume her bedroom is on the other side of the house.  There has to be a point in the day when Mom is not her in sight line.

I felt bad for Sarah.  Especially when Abby yelled at her to pick a damn spot and sit down.

And so did Holly, who took Sarah under her stylishly on-trend Gap dark denim jacket wing and helped her to the back seats, explaining that buses only break apart in the middle and lose the front half over a cliff in the movies.  Not Real Life, honey.

And I don’t know why your Mama isn’t helping me.  Now go blow your nose.

Side note:  Abby said Bull Crap.’  With the kids in the car.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Christi lost track of all the kids as soon as they arrived, which was hilarious.  Anyone seen the children?   Where are the children?

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(Wasn’t that the name of a dance or something?  The one where crazy Vivi-Anne just sat in a swing?  I miss that kid.  I hope she’s getting enough ice cream up there in Ohio, because you know how I worry about her calcium levels.)

Jeanette and Ava showed up.  Mom was wearing some tight jeans from Not-Forever 21 and had that kind of curly hair that never dried the entire episode.

Tami kept finding excuses to sneak out of the back room and go narc on the ALDC Moms with her BFF.  I’m not sure how she expected to keep that one a secret with two cameras following her down the hallway, but all right…whatever.

And then the editing just turned into a hot mess.  Hot.  Mess.  And you know that’s my pet peeve.

The group routine went on first, even though in reality it clearly went later since the girls were in and out and back in their Native American makeup about ten times during the rest of the show.  Seriously, people?

Nia was a-maz-ing in the Cher Dance, even though Maddie kept hogging the lead spot.

(Did you see them all standing on the giant Tom-Tom?  Git out my center spot, gurl.)

Was it just me, or did that seem a little odd?  And what was up with MackZ’s crab crawl handstand thingamabob around the drum?  Is that a contractually required move every week now?  Because I’ve never seen any Native Americans bust that one out before.

Sarah clearly drew on all that bus angst during her solo, which was a mix of that kid from Les Misérables and those old Italian women who throw themselves on top of caskets at funerals.  Her Mom’s face when she was dancing, though.

Tea’s hair bow looked like bunny rabbit ears but she Betty Boop’d herself into a meltdown quite nicely.  She totally has a silent movie face.

And then MackZ proved once and for all that the Bumble Bee costume is a thing of the past.  Our baby is all grown up.

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Side note:  They came back from commercial break and showed some mystery group doing a Li’l Abner looking dance with a double wide trailer and lawn chairs.  Excuse me?  I need to see that Redneck Dance in its entirety, asap.  Dolla makes me holla, yo.

Next up, Ava did her solo but Kendall missed it because she was out back putting on her NativeAmericanFace for the 2nd time.  Seriously.  Editing, people.  Don’t make me keep saying it.

And then all of the sudden Maddie was dancing.  Giving some unexpected, and not even listed in the program, MaddieFace to all of Michigan.

Don’t ask.  Abby had asked her to bring a costume under the premise of ‘psyching out Ava’ in the wings of the stage, but then all of the sudden there she was in the spotlight doing the dance that lady from Greenwich Village had written for her last week.

I said don’t ask.

Backstage, all the Moms ganged up on Melissa, accusing her of sabotaging MackZ’s chance at First Place by shoving her out of the way so Maddie could perform.  Melissa said Nope.  The Moms said Yup.  And Abby said it was done to make sure Ava didn’t win.

My MomCrush Jill (…who was rocking some serious snake skin, BTW…) accused Melissa of throwing MackZ under the bus, which almost put Sarah into cardiac arrest until someone told the kid it was just a figure of speech.

Lawd, that girl’s gonna be the death of me.

Holly even called it a Defining Moment for America…and probably MackZ’s career…and I vowed to vote for Dr. Beyoncé in 2016 instead of Loree’s husband.  I think an American flag even unfurled behind her as she spoke, but everyone was so busy putting their NativeAmericanFaces back on for the third time that they all missed the I Have A Dance Dream speech.  Love me some Holly when her hair starts curling.

Not so much the Post-Production Editors and the Continuity Guy.

Wax On.  Wax Off.  Hats On.  Hats Off.

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And then all the little Chers went out to collect their awards.

Sarah won First Place Petite Solo, which I now realize is not the same thing as Mini Grand Supreme.  Kiddie Pageants give out waaaay better crowns.

Did you see that tiny thing on her head?  It was like the ones you buy at iParty and put on cupcakes for Disney Princess Birthday Parties.  I’m afraid she’s gonna swallow it the next time she starts hyper-ventilating.

What a rip.

Tea’s solo came in Fifth.  MackZ took Third.  Ava Second.  And then Maddie won First Place, even though the judge with the bow tie was going to have to UPS her trophy to her on Monday since she was such a late entry.

The Native American group dance easily took First Place.  Probably something to do with that whole International Year of the Nia thing I keep hearing about.

Abby still wouldn’t admit that Nia was amazing, even when Holly pressed her for feedback and her special recipe for sugar cookies.

(Seriously.  Did you hear that interaction?  What the what?)

And then Jeanette and Ava got booted off the New & Improved ALDC Select Team because of this week’s sneak attack against Abby.  When will these people learn?

Tami did ask Abby if it was okay to use the restroom, though.  I guess even Narcs need a potty break.

And then it was over.  Until next week when the Road to Nationals brings the ALDC face to face with the Candy Apples again.

Oh, yeah.  Me see heap big trouble brewing.

Sing us outta here, will ya Nia?

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Dance Moms: All The First Ladies…Put Your Hands Up! In DC, The Politics Of Dancing Give Chloe Her Revenge.

Wednesday, August 27th, 2014

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You need to stop hating on us New Moms. That strap looks exactly like a real Louis bag.

 

 

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What you need to do is give those tiny shorts back to your daughter and then maybe we can talk .

 

 

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If I had known that slapping her really voids your contract, Kelly and I would be at Disneyland today.

 

 

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Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie Maddie

 

 

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They were booty shorts. I used to send kids home with a note for hoochin’ up in those things.

 

 

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Do you think they’re coming back or can we start working on those mozzarella sticks over there?

 

 

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So am I the only one concerned that it says ‘suck’ and ‘flank’ on the board behind me? Really?

 

 

 

And so it begins.  Again.

The Road to Nationals.

Get used to hearing it.  A lot.

It’s a pretty big deal.  At least according to the Dance Moms Advisory System, because we’re already at Threat Level: Orange and there are still five weeks to go.

And you could tell, because as soon as Abby Lee Miller activated the Countdown Clock, everyone started running around like they were Jack Bauer trying to single handedly intercept a Candy Apples drone strike aimed directly at the ALDC.

I actually suggested to Lifetime TV that they incorporate the 24:Live Another Day digital ticker before every commercial break leading up to Nationals, but they haven’t responded yet.  I also suggested they pay me to write these hilarious recaps and send me advance DVD copies of each episode so I can get some sleep on Tuesday nights, but that hasn’t happened either.  I must have the wrong email address.

Regardless, even when Cathy Nesbitt-Stein has your studio in the crosshairs of an impending launch sequence, there’s still time for a quick Pyramid of Shame.

As everyone trampled in for the latest reveal, the room was almost filled to capacity.  The Original Recipe Moms and dancers were once again joined by most of the New Select Moms and their offspring.  Hiatus is over.  Back to work, New People.

Reunited and it feels so good.

They were coming out of the woodwork.  Moms For Miles, which should totally be the name of a charity walk if it’s not already.

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Future City Council wife Loree and Jade were still hanging with the Original Moms, so the scale was tipped a little heavy on the Elite Team side of the room, which didn’t go unnoticed by the Select Moms.

Side note:  Every time they called themselves the Select Moms all I could think of was low-sodium soup or that dog food you have to cut with a knife.

Have you ever seen Freshpet Select at the store?  You should Google it.  It looks exactly like the Pillsbury Tollhouse Cookie sausage that you cut and bake.

Except that it’s dog food.

Trust me, you do not want to confuse the two when you’ve got the munchies at 3am after stumbling home from a frat party.  At least that’s what a friend told me, I mean.

At the Pyramid, there was only one Christi this week, so it was easier to keep track of who said what snarky thing to Abby.

Christi #1 was there behind Chloe.  Kristie #2 was off doing that Raising Asia show with the guy from Fame who used to have a mullet.  And Christ-y #3 was still banned from the studio and was presumably back home somewhere taking out the garbage.

Seriously.  This show sure has a lot of Christies.

Jeanette and Ava were back after spending time shopping at (…legally required disclaimer…) Not-Forever 21.  Tami and tiny Tea’ were also standing there, getting all OhNoYou’reNotStayingWithTheOldTeam as soon as they saw Loree.

My girl Kamryn even took a breather from over-achieving and managed to find some time to pop on another glitzy headband and hang with her New Team homies.  Mom Jodi was behind her looking all proud of the Kia Kamster’s recently awarded Nobel Peace Prize, even though she could barely see over her daughter’s head.

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Tracy and Sarah (…no ‘R’ needed this week since the other Sarah was MIA…) were also in the line-up, though I don’t think this Sarah actually talked during the entire episode.

Bottom of the Pyramid:  MackZ, Chloe and Nia.  Middle row: Jade and Kendall.   

Jade had a really gorgeous headshot that thankfully didn’t incorporate fans or anything that would make Mom say “She looks the part” again.  How odd was that last week?

And then Maddie was at the top.  Rinse and Repeat.

FYI…just so you know.  I have it from a reliable source that they had to reshoot part of this scene because Holly‘s hip hop majorette outfit was showing underneath her long blue dress.  It’s true.  You could totally see the silver fringe.

I told you when Dr. Beyoncé started wearing her hair all clipped and swept to one side that I knew something was up.  That’s some serious Bring It! hair if I’ve ever seen it.

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It was also nice to see that Melissa and my MomCrush Jill had finally worked out an arrangement where they would alternate who wore the Bump-It so there was no more unnecessary competition in that category.  You go, Mrs. Z-G and all your big hair.

Jackin’ it to Jesus like they used to say on Toddlers & Tiaras.

This week the mob scene was headed to Washington, DC for the Believe Dance Competition.  Ava scored a ‘Drizzle’ solo (…like the rain, not the ice cream syrup…) which got her very excited.  Maddie was also handed a solo which was going to be set to music written specifically for her, because apparently she is now also an inspiration to songwriters as well as all the kids down at Miss Tina’s School of Tap.

(Spoiler Alert:  You just wait till this song lady shows up.)

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Miley Cyrus licked a sledge hammer and sat naked on a Wrecking Ball to beat out Sia at the VMAs this week, BTW.  Which was not cool.  Not cool at all.  Maddie was robbed.

The New Team would dance a group routine entitled ‘First Ladies’ which was right up Loree’s alley if you’ve ever seen her Bucket List.  But unfortunately she and Jade stayed with the Old Team, which would be doing a number called ‘America Gone.’

Side note:  I’m calling them Old and New from now on, because I keep losing track of Elite and Select and Junior Elite and Junior Select and Normal ALDC labels.  This show has really gotten to be a lot or work lately.

Oh.  And Chloe got booted to the New Team to balance things off a little.

Christi Meltdown in 3…2…1.

As the New Moms hit the Old MomPerch (…see how much work this is now?…) the Old Moms (…no offense intended…) and one relocated New Mom headed outside for some fresh air and smack talk.

Honestly, I don’t even remember what they talked about before they went back inside because they were all standing in front of a new secret door that we’d never seen before.  What is that?  With the pink awning?  Did you see that?  Is that a yogurt place?  Because that would be awesome after a long rehearsal.  It didn’t match the ALDC door, so now I need to know what’s going on over there.

Remember how the Candy Apples joint had that secret attached beef jerky store that we never saw until Chloe put on a meat dress?  Maybe that’s a thing now.  (Lucrative side businesses…not meat dresses.)

Anyone reading this in Pittsburgh who can scoot over on their lunch break and tell me what the dealio is?  I’d be forever grateful and I’ll even cover your mileage if it’s a hike.

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The next day, ALL the Moms ended up outside again.  The Old ones and the New ones.  And we probably need to talk about these shorty shorts that Jeanette and Tami insist on wearing every day.

What the what?  OMG.  Mom, you’re embarrassing me.  Totes McGotes Embar.

You know Holly was dying inside.  Dying.  Jill, on the other hand, didn’t even try to hide her smirk and just made me love her more.  When she pretends to be having issues with her bangs…that’s VertesCode for Hot Mess.

And what’s with the pervy camera man who always shoots them from behind every time they wear those things?  Cuz he does.  You saw it.  And I saw it.  Remember when Tami threw down in the lobby and then walked outside?  Butt shot.

And he did it again this time as the Old Moms went inside and the New Moms wandered off into the distance.  And where do they keep going that they always need to walk away from the building in the middle of taping?

I’ll bet you a FroYo with sprinkles from the pink awning store that next week it’s in slow motion like Baywatch.

Rant is over.  Moving on.

Clearly, shifting Chloe to the New Team had really gotten under Christi’s skin, because she didn’t let up for a minute about how they were all now set up to fail.  She was super-sizing her negativity this week.  Ava is the sacrificial lamb going up against Maddie and Jade.  Blah Blah.  And one more Blah.

And then Rachel Sage showed up to celebrate National Maddie Day by singing a special Maddie Song.  And it was…colorful.

Google her.  We loved her.  She’s a SoHo BoHo WhoaNo independent visual artsy singer songwriter type who looks exactly like you’d imagine someone would look if they had filmed Blue’s Clues in Greenwich Village and made a puppet out of construction paper and glitter that came to life once you found the magic unicorn dust.

Exactly like that.  But with a flower in her hair.

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She was borderline obsessed with Maddie and had written her a coffee shop guitar song with a chorus that went something like “None of the other girls matter.”  I forget exactly.

Everyone was a little WhoaNoSheDin’tJustSingThat.  Especially Christi, who was really not having a good week.  But Rachel meant well.  I even put on my felt beret and finger snapped when she was done.  It’s a look that I might hold on to for Fall until it gets cold.

As the competition got closer, Christi got crankier, Ava fumbled around with her drizzly umbrella prop and Loree invited all the New Moms to lunch so they could discuss why everyone thought she was a traitor.

Side note:  Jeanette wore a Not-Forever 21 top in an interview sniglet that had a big knife gash across the chest, which I sincerely hope didn’t happen when she was alone in the parking lot wearing those booty shorts.  Maybe that’s why they always travel in packs.  I’d hate for anything to happen to any of them.

Should probably also mention that somedays Jeanette has some seriously curly Flashdance hair going on up there.  Just needed to be addressed.

Don’t get me wrong.  I like her.  She’s kinda crazy.  I’m just not sure what kind of crazy she is yet.

At the New Mom luncheon, two Old Moms snuck in as back-up for Loree.  Jill and Melissa joined them either to stir the pot or have some free wings on Loree’s dime, neither of which went over very well with the New Moms.

Apparently all the drama stemmed from the fact that the New Moms had been together a whole whopping TWO weeks before the hiatus and now Loree couldn’t understand why they still weren’t all Besties.

Two weeks?  Really?  Honey, when I was a freshman in college and lived in a triple at the dorm I didn’t even know my third roommate’s name for a month.  Take it down a notch.

Luckily, Melissa forgot to put quarters in the meter and the three of them left as soon as they got there, so not much was accomplished aside from leaving way too many untouched tasty appetizers on the table.

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Gah.  There are starving kids in Boston, ladies.

I don’t even know what kind of tulle ballet skirt looking thing Christi was wearing in the next MomPerch scene when she threw Jeanette to the Abby Wolves down in the studio, so we just need to skip this one completely.  I’m serious.

Bonus Points to Gianna for either being aggressively firm in her Pro-Umbrella stance or being a total beeotch when Jeanette tried to get the prop taken out of Ava’s dance.  The jury is still out on that one, but clearly…Gia don’t play.  Triple points, actually.

Finally, it was Showtime.  And Umbrellagate.

Did they switch umbrellas in the middle of the routine?  Did they film two versions and fake out the part where it turned inside out on stage?  Why did it look like a lighter blue by the end of Ava’s dance?

So many unanswered questions that everyone posted on Twitter with incorrect spelling last night.  Oy Vey.

I dunno.  But Ava’s umbrella popped inside out like it does to me every time I come around the corner by Burger King.  You’d think I’d learn by now, because even when I don’t do a split into a belly arch my umbrella still reverses itself and I’m out another $3.99.

Yes, I buy the cheap ones from the Lotto place when it starts raining.  Don’t you judge me.

Backstage, Abby went bazoinkers.  Ava sat on her Mom’s lap (…what?…) and fanned herself with her hand like she was getting all verklempt at a Barbra Streisand concert.

I swear to Gawd she did that.

Get off yo’ Mama!  (Abby said that, not me…)

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Both group routines were comparable in skill set and level of difficulty (…and you said I could never be a judge…) but the New Team ended up winning First Place.  Again.

Which totally should have been given to Melissa and Jill for the MomDance they busted out in the seats.

I told them they should have been entered in the Duet category, not Group.  They never listen to me anymore ever since that one time I suggested Jill dye her hair blonde.  One time I mess up.  One time.

The Old Team came in Second, but only by 1/10th of a point, which I don’t even know how you’d calculate without one of Kamryn’s NASA calculators and eleven fingers.

Ava came in Third Place and had a really good cry backstage.  Some little girl they refused to show placed Second.  And then Maddie took home the trophy for her bluesy Blue’s Clues routine.  I snapped again with both hands (…Richy Jackson would have been so proud…) and then popped an espresso K-Cup into my new Keurig.

There were also some oddball editing moments where people’s hats were on and then off and then on again.  (Yeah…I’m talking to you, Ava.)

Somebody upstairs needs to stop staring at Tami’s a** and pay attention to continuity.

Holly’s hair never really held a curl this week, so you know the drama must have been pretty low key.  Next week looks a little more bouncy.

Abby invited Tea’ to come back to the ALDC again.  Which meant that Tami would probably also be back again.

Which meant that Tami just did the exact same thing that she dissed Loree for doing the week prior.  Now who’s the traitor?

And that loud church lady will be back, too.

You heard it here first.

And now I’m overheating just thinking about it.

Pardon me while I go fan myself.

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